It sounds like she’s flooded, feeling overly pressured. I’m not saying you are necessarily pressuring her; sometimes a person just has a lower sensitivity threshold with a certain issue, and sex is that issue for some spouses. You may need to back off for a bit, but you can’t ignore it forever.

Look, sometimes I’m just throwing suggestions out there in hopes that something will stick for someone’s situation. (I don’t know all the details, so I do the best I can with what I know of the scenario and the wisdom I’ve gained in my ministry!) But here are a few more options. Yes, you may have tried these too, but just in case…

• Tell her that you’re backing off, but you need her to do something about this issue in the next 30 or 60 days, whether that’s read a book or see a counselor or visit her gynecologist or whatever. If she doesn’t, then you set some boundaries.
• Set an appointment with a marriage counselor. Tell her that this is her opportunity to explain to a mediator where she thinks the marriage is having problems or even how she thinks you’re mistreating her regarding sex (not that you are, but she may view it that way and this validates her feelings) and that you’ll listen and engage. Explain that if she doesn’t go, you’ll go and give your side of the story. And then go see the counselor with her or alone. Even alone, you might get tailored advice from the counselor to help your marriage.
• Explain that you’ve tried and tried to heal the intimacy in your marriage just between the two of you, but you cannot imagine the rest of your marriage going without it. So your next step is to tell the pastor or a mentor and invite them to intervene. She can head that off by doing one of the two prior options or wait until the intervention.

Throughout anything like this, stress that it’s not about you getting the physical release of sex but you wanting to be one flesh with your wife in every way and giving her pleasure and connection with you as well. She needs to know that you aren’t trying to force her into an act she doesn’t want but invite her into a relationship good for both of you.

Blessings!

I have asked her on many occasions to read articles from various Christian bloggers but she gets offended and refuses to read them. I even tried just leaving a few of them open on her computer in the hopes that curiosity would take over. Nothing has changed. In a couple years of trying. I even bought Shaunti Feldhahn’s books For Men Only and For Women Only for us to read together but she refused to pick them up. I’ve run out of things to try and honestly, I’ve run out of motivation to keep trying. Apparently she doesn’t value me or our marriage enough to bother trying anything at all.

It sounds like she sees the issue as you or her. That is, if you get the sex you want, she suffers. If she doesn’t have sex with you, you suffer. It’s either-or. When in fact, sex is for her too! I wonder if she would read an article from a blog that isn’t focused as much on sex. My podcast partner, Gaye Christmus, has a wonderful site, Calm.Healthy.Sexy., that addresses whole-health issues. This is one of her excellent posts: “Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too.”

If she won’t, continue to talk about how you want her, miss her, and desire for her to experience pleasure and connection. Praying.

You’re not alone. It may be helpful to also read a post I wrote for our site for husbands: How Wives Feel During the Pandemic. We also talked about this situation in a couple of podcast episodes of Sex Chat for Christian Wives: Intimacy During Lockdown and Doing the Best We Can. Sometimes, it’s just a rough season. Praying for you! ♥

Bill, Thank you for your apologies and I agree, often it does feel like a prison. I spent many years praying that God would change him, but now I pray acceptance and contentment with all that my husband does right. Divorce/infidelity will never be the answer, so I will keep my eye on God.

I’m so sorry. This is a frustrating time for many!