I agree some just don’t think sex is important, but even then, when I’ve had a chance to talk with such wives and really dig into what’s going on, there’s a backstory for why they believe that. Do I think some might be genuinely disinterested in sex and never become interested in sex? Sure. But I think it’s a much smaller percentage than some claim. If we did a better job with our messaging and we compassionately helped people figure out why they have their hangups about sex, we might reawaken a lotta love out there and heal many marriages.

And again, I’m sad about your own difficulties. I wish I could flip a switch and get you and your wife on the same page to pursue a healthy, satisfying sex life. Praying for your peace and comfort.

Some, just aren’t interested. They don’t think sex is important. I wish we could do a better job in marriage counseling trying to flush out those on the second camp. They shouldn’t get married and there is nothing wrong with that.

Agreed! Amen, and PREACH!

But what are their “victims?” supposed to do when they don’t find this out until AFTER they are married? What, then? Does God expect us, women or men, to live in misery and resentment for the REST OF OUR lives when we have been told just about the biggest lie there is in a marriage? Only thing I can think might be worse is “I am really gay.” Or maybe “I was born a dude.” Or knowing you want children and getting married knowing they are sterile without disclosing it. And yeah “you can adopt”, but THAT isn’t exactly the point here is it?

Or maybe “I owe “”Guido’s Goons”” Loan Sharking, Inc. a 1.5 million gambling debt because of my shoe addiction.”

And they BALD FACED LIED about ALL of it BEFORE you got married. This is long before there was an “app” for that.

I am writing this in SEP 2021. You mentioned a post forthcoming in reply to Active Mom. Have a name we can look up?

That may be the most raw, genuine, heart-felt, and well-said explanation of this unique misery I’ve every read. I’m guessing many of us out here wish we had the word skills to express it as well as you did. It is a unique kind of hopelessness, and you do well, it seems, to avoid the kind of anger that many of us succumb to. Kudos, sir. Hang in there.

Explain how you feel. Inquire as to why they don’t see it is important with a genuine desire to understand. Decide based on the outcome of that conversation whether to stay or go.

I am a firm believer in “don’t have sex with a person who doesn’t want to have sex with you. And, don’t be married to a person not sexually interested in you.”

But, if you decide to remain, in light of denial and disappointment you simply must find a way to be happy that doesn’t involve your spouse.

I certainly know how difficult this is to do, and there are days that the burden seems insurmountable. But, I will never voluntarily leave my children. When they are living their own lives, then things may change.

When the church, and I have to say parents also, don’t teach on this, then kids – and yes, church members – will inevitably go looking for the answers on the street. Not literally, perhaps, and certainly not everybody, thank God, but a certain number will definitely be lost that way. I know first hand that God is able to redeem that lost time, but why prolong it with erroneous or incomplete teaching?

I think of my own background in this, of course, and your parenthetical remark about fantasy got me. I have had a rich fantasy life for a very long time, which I was very open about with my dating partner/ fiancee/ wife of 26 years now. I still believe it jumpstarted our romance in some ways, but it also got us – I’ll just own it and say me – sidetracked.

That’s only one issue I’m dealing with as a husband. I don’t expect pastors, teachers, or parents to be perfect or have all the answers. But we have to do better – all of us.

Oh, Jim! 22 months? My heart hurts for you. Praying for something to change, soon. Thanks for praying for others too!