Comments on: Is Purity Culture to Blame?

By: Why I've Always Hated "Boys Will Be Boys" - Hot, Holy & Humorous

Why I've Always Hated "Boys Will Be Boys" - Hot, Holy & Humorous — Tue, 16 Aug 2022 15:08:09 +0000

[…] I’ve written more about Purity Culture (here and here), as well as the calling and challenge to abstain from premarital sex. But I had this post […]

By: J

Mon, 06 Sep 2021 02:20:25 +0000

In reply to RV.

Well then, you might want to read something I came across the other day! This is from an article I did for Crosswalk.com a while back on myths about sex you learned in church. One of those sections had this:

9. Sexual feelings before marriage are sinful.

When I was growing up, the church conveyed that it wasn’t just sex outside of marriage that was wrong. Rather, sexual feelings themselves were dangerous and needed to be shut down. As a result, too many teenagers and young adults either became repressed in their sexuality all the way into their marriage or chucked the whole idea and became promiscuous instead.

But it’s not the feelings themselves are not the problem, but what we do with them. God created us as sexual beings, but, wanting the best for us, provides proper parameters. We are not to have sex outside of marriage or to engage in lust: “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). But we need to define lust more clearly, so that we can embrace our sexuality while keeping ourselves from sin.

We should teach singles how to avoid lust and sexual sin, but their sexuality should be acknowledged, channeled, and placed in the right context—a covenant marriage.
____

As for how to talk about it before marriage, I strongly encourage you to get some premarital counseling or take a pre-marriage course. Also, run a search on my blog for articles intended for newlyweds or wedding night; you might find good info there. Blessings!

By: RV

RV — Sat, 04 Sep 2021 02:19:22 +0000

Just reading through this gives me some anxiety. I got thrse messages from the book (ironically but sadly not only has Joshua Harris divorced but abandoned his faith as well) from church from any youth stuff and other general messages. My parents on the other hand didn’t talk about it at ALL. (Or much else either, they were/are pretty emotionally immature and disconnected.) So I got both short ends of the stick. Really trying to work out my mental fears before marriage. I’m pretty terrified, though I know my fiancee will be kind. But (somehow it feels safer to ask strangers sometimes) why is he so talkative about everything except this subject? I’m scared enough to open any conversation that may have conflict (getting better and he has had reassuring response to trying to explain that). I can’t try to open this subject again and am utterly petrified at how many posts and other resources say “talk about it” as if that’s normal… I have no idea how to tell what he likes, as we have kissed some but he always backs off. I’m very frustrated and tense a lot.
The messages I’ve heard include that men think about it a lot. I dont want to assume that about him but if he doesnt and I already think about it more… That feels really wrong. But I’m not even certain he thinks of me that way… Or maybe he just has great self-control, as he does in many other areas. He does say nice things about me but they’re so unspecific. Because of stupid purity culture and my parents irrelatability combined, I have no idea how to interpret flirting, understand what he means by touch, if I actually affect him… And certainly not to talk about it or really “know myself”. That’s another thing, the recommendation to signal what you like or don’t, as if I know?
And since I’m pouring my heart out to strangers, I’m so beyond aggravated by thr messages to singles, inside and outside purity culture. “Just dont” as though there’s a magic containment box. Of course biblically S is for in marriage only, but we’ve got to quit shaming young people for having desire, and giving them utterly no outlets, alternatives, or positive structure. If our sexuality is part of our created biology (which I am starting to accept, though I’m still not sure if its regrettable or not) then it doesnt magically change when we get married. I need to learn what to teach my kids one day so they dont rnd up the repressed, obsessed, terrified mess I feel like when I try to contemplate this subject. Maybe someday I’ll get to talk to a certain person about that, when I get over my own terrors. I hope.

By: J

Sun, 11 Apr 2021 00:49:57 +0000

In reply to archie Davis Jr. I'm sorry that you were hurt by such comments. That happens too often! And thanks for the encouragement.

By: archie Davis Jr

archie Davis Jr — Sat, 10 Apr 2021 19:29:32 +0000

Great insight. I agree with you said. Could part of the problem be some be rushing to get Married an not prepared to handle life issues that it will bring. A few years ago a Christian Marriage Blogger shame me because I got married at 35 years old and my whole thing was I had some issues in my life like debt and getting alot of that paid off. I got one two bills left to pay. Most dont talk about this debt can kill a marriage before it starts. Also growing up some of the churches who had good solid teaching would not let me in their churches so I had to get people get me sermons to help me grow. I am wary of Christian Marriage Bloggers because come off as a know it all and to me you are a good blogger who seems humble. Keep up the great work you do.

By: J

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 22:58:29 +0000

In reply to Brendan. Well said. And I pray that you can embrace all that God wants your marriage to have in the intimacy department, and beyond.

By: J

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 22:56:21 +0000

In reply to Courtney.

Great! It sounds like you had other good sources of biblical truth as well. And of course, I agree that we should teach and practice waiting until marriage. That’s part of God’s design!

But we shouldn’t add burdensome requirements that aren’t in the Bible, we should focus more on a godly foundation from which to make good decisions, and we should be clear about redemption and grace for those who didn’t wait. Perhaps most importantly, we should share how much God wants to bless marital unions regardless of our past. May God fully bless your union!

By: J

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 22:53:11 +0000

In reply to Raphael. Nope, not true! Just because there were arranged marriages doesn't mean people didn't fall in love. Marriage for love has existed since nearly the beginning, and the Bible absolutely talks about it. Jacob fell in love with Rachel before they married. Samson fell in love with Timnah. King Xerxes fell in love with Esther (in a less than ideal situation, for sure, but it's there in the passage). Those are just three off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more. Honestly, Raphael, what you said is exactly the kind of stuff I told myself during my premarital promiscuous past, as I was looking for rationalization on why God's Word about sexual purity didn't apply to me. But I was wrong. God's design for sex applied then, and it applies now.

By: Where Purity Culture Got It Wrong, Let's Get It Right | Hot, Holy & Humorous

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 21:59:00 +0000

[…] Last week, I asked if Purity Culture or simply bad messages about sexual purity have contributed to struggles you’ve had in your marriage bed. Today, we’ll address some of the specific myths and come up with better, biblical truths. […]

By: Raphael

Raphael — Thu, 08 Apr 2021 07:57:30 +0000

In reply to J.

The Bible doesn’t have any answers either. The Bible was written in a context where people married young and married for economic reasons. Marriage for love is less than 200 years old. Dating is even more recent.
Every time the Bible mentions sex or marriage it does so with the assumption that marriage is based on economics and that a person could easily get married if they wanted to.
There was no hyper-competitive dating market in biblical times.