I don’t know where you got the idea that “Sex is not a top need for women, but it absolutely IS for men.” That’s not the biblical view. Rather, both husband and wife can find emotional connection through physical intimacy, and about 15-30% of the time, the higher desire spouse is the wife. Moreover, to the idea that sex is a “need” for anyone, I direct you to Q&A with J: Sexual Wants Vs. Needs and Is Sex a Need? (For Christian Wives podcast).

Sex is not a top need for women, but it absolutely IS for men. Not only physical, but it is one of their top emotional needs. It took me a long time and alot of marital books and counseling to get this, because I am very strong willed. I agree with this article almost completely, except the part about a marriage surviving if sex can’t be had. That’s called survival mode. No one needs to be living there long. And for a man, it’s only a matter of time.

I know you’re busy with a lot more than this, so I won’t belabor beyond here.

To clarify, the rest of what I said after “most husbands”, was, “and many wives”. My thought was inclusive of both husbands and wives, not exclusively the “needs of husbands”. I also said “for the enrichment of their marriages” to umbrella the relationship, not just individual needs. So I don’t think my perspective risks being problematic.

Just as I would struggle with the statement “no wife needs sex”, I also struggle with the statement “no husband needs sex”. Why ? Because I can’t possibly know either of their drives, nor how physical intimacy contributes to their feeling of being loved, desired and appreciated. So even in a circumstance of bullying, where a husband (or wife) is coercing, or a wife(or husband) is constantly refusing, I believe the first step is to lean into the love and commitment, and exhaustively work toward a solution that serves both wife and husband, and ultimately their marriage.

Again, I feel like sex is a need for the marriage, not the individual. Honestly, your suggested language could prove problematic if/when a bedroom lifts out the part of “sex is a critical need for most husbands…” without regard to the other aspects. Not saying you and most of those husbands would, but I have moved away from talking about sex as a need or duty as much, in part of because of how that phrasing gets misused!

That’s why I wrote the Reply. Even in this context that statement, with no qualifications, seemed strange and contradictory to what I’ve read here over the past ~10 years. And as you’ve described in past posts, depriving a spouse of intimacy without every effort to repair the situation is very destructive, and creates marriage-altering divisions. So how about this —
” Sex is a critical need for most husbands and many wives, and for the enrichment of their marriages. But ‘I need’ or ‘I’m entitled’ are not excuses for bullying or any form of abuse. If this is occurring in your marriage, seek help immediately ! “.

And yes, I’ve had a very deep appreciation for your ministry for many years !

I never said it’s okay for husbands to go through life without sex, and this isn’t me either: “However, if a husband won’t or can’t make an emotional connection with his wife, he is told that he owes it to his wife to get help and do what’s necessary to engage with and support her.” Moreover, I agree there’s an obligation to have sex or work on that area of the marriage. Rather than picking out that one phrase, how about reading it in the context of the whole post? Or, even better, my entire ministry that continues to encourage husbands and wives to engage in healthy, other-honoring sex?

However, if a husband won’t or can’t make an emotional connection with his wife, he is told that he owes it to his wife to get help and do what’s necessary to engage with and support her.

I believe husbands and wives have an obligation to engage with and support each other in the “love language” needed to make that connection.

On the flip side, unfortunately, there are some wives that think vanilla sex more than a few times a year equals being her husband’s sex toy. Hopefully they will follow your links to discern the difference and read the links in the links that address underlying issues.

Lastly, thank you for articulating the devastation porn has on intimacy in marriage. Don’t stop!

A healthy marriage requires compromise on the part of both spouses. It is not selfish to meet somewhere in the middle. Just something to think about.