Good points.

I agree on the problem of being “Judgmental” on some fronts. The answer seems to be in both Grace and Truth. Ref John 1:14

OK. Can you complete that thought? It seems like there should be a few more sentences.

I have done a lot of study into what betrothal meant, and it did not mean sharing a bed. Yes, there was a legal contract, but consummation happened after the “wedding.” (I put “wedding” in quotes because that also did not look like our weddings today, but it was still a recognized moment of union.)

Also, using “premarital sex was happening” as support that God wanted it happening doesn’t pass muster. Read through the OT, and you can see there was also murder, rape, idolatry, oppression, false prophecies, and other stuff happening that God didn’t condone. No, premarital sex isn’t as bad as murder, but my point is that plenty of tales in the Bible are descriptive (telling us what happened) rather than prescriptive (telling us what should happen).

What a tale! HUGS. But I want to contradict one thing: “the white dress isn’t legit.” Who cares what others think, if God has said, “I’m ready now to bless this union that involves a commitment, exclusivity, mutuality, and intimacy.” You don’t lose your purity once and for all; God can make us white again. (“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” Isaiah 1:18)

You did it the right way. You also make observation that older people (mom, granddad, etc.) are doing everything to keep their young” (17-25) family member from even considering marriage. The pressure is especially strong on young women. You have never seen distress until you see a 40-something mom learning that her 18-year old daughter is head over heels in love with some boy she met at college, said boy being a 21-year old senior. Mom panics that the daughter won’t finish college, then law or med school, and won’t have some mega-career where she makes six figures every year for the rest of her life (and doesn’t have to depend on a man for her livelihood). Mom starts in on everything that is wrong with the guy she hasn’t even met yet. You know, things like “Why isn’t he dating someone his own age,” as if he is some sort of predator. Then grandma starts in. Then the older ladies at church get involved when she is back home for Christmas break, with great one-lines like . . . “Honey, don’t throw away your career,” and “You have plenty of time, don’t rush into marriage.” Everywhere the girl turns, the notion of having a serious relationship at age 18 is openly attacked. Of course, the old folks know that there’s a good chance of breaking the girl’s spirit if they work on her long enough. When returning to college in January, she, almost in tears, ends up breaking it off with the guy . . . . . guess what, another guy asks her out; he’s cute, but not really a keeper; she dates him off and on, she knows marriage is nowhere in sight, and for sure this guy isn’t the one, but doesn’t want to wait until she is 100 to have sex, and well, as things typically go, the new sort-of boyfriend and the girl end up having sex. It’s not true love. It never was. They last until the school year is over, and it’s over. The now 19-year old non-virgin returns home for the summer, and her family (and the old ladies at church) are so happy that the boy she was totally in love with is out of her life, probably forever at this point (she thinks he would never take her back now, anyway). Nobody back home seems to care that she isn’t a virgin anymore (they probably don’t even bother to know the answer to that question), as her virginity was never a top-level concern for any of them. Over the years that follows, she dates a series of guys, not having sex with all of them, but most of them; there’s also the occasional wild moment, like a spring break hookup. She eventually gets her romantic life back on the right path, and she finally meets another guy she falls totally in love with, gets married at age 32, and lives happily (as possible) ever after. But the 10 or so years — and more than she cares to admit sex partners — will always be there on her record, even though she has put it behind her. And on her wedding day, her bridesmaids (most of whom are friends from college days) all know that white dress isn’t legit. And the mom, grandma, and gossiping old ladies are at the wedding, too; when coming through the reception line, they have the audacity to say, “I was worried that this day would never come.”

Your story sounds similar to mine, J, as I had more or less concluded that I couldn’t get married if I wanted to travel and have a career…then I went on a mission trip to Sicily along with my future husband…and we became friends, then started dating a few months later. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Bill Keller’s ministry (www.liveprayer.com) – although I’ve told him about yours – but one thing he repeats often is that if we’re about God’s business, He will be about our business. In my case I wasn’t looking for a husband either but I apparently needed one, and it seems that many people meet their future spouses in the course of serving on a mission trip or other ministry. One young woman I knew who was already married but hadn’t been able to get pregnant learned she was expecting a few months after returning from a trip. What was it that Jesus said, “Seek ye first…and then…?”

“If you can’t easily find a spouse, then what?” Then you don’t have sex. Our sexuality matters, but it’s not everything. If my husband dies tomorrow—God forbid—I will not have sex unless and until I marry again. And who knows if that will happen? (Even if it happens, it would not happen quickly, as I would certainly grieve for a long time.)

If you don’t want to follow that prescription, then you’re choosing something outside God’s design. And the Church shouldn’t create a third option for morality. They could, however, better prepare people to seek and find a spouse, and especially to be the kind of person who is appealing to someone of the opposite sex who is also wanting a spouse.

I met my own husband at a devotional hosted by a very active singles’ group at a church. I wasn’t actually looking for a relationship. Frankly, I was done with relationships at that point and was focusing on drawing closer to God. Maybe that’s why things worked out after all. Maybe???