Thank you for the insight! I have been really making sure I don’t sweat the small stuff. We have a fantastic relationship. We’re such good friends. That’s literally his only thing he could improve . But at the end of the day I think I was being more angry at him instead of explaining the why, and it’s gotten much better !

I posted this as a response to Alie, but apparently it didn’t go through as such. I might be inclined to agree with S’s thoughts (and I also conferred with my husband before posting) but I must also agree with J that we don’t know enough about his motivations to conclude that he’s being childish. My husband tries to help with things and asks me when he’s “done” if there’s anything else as he knows he might not see what I see. But if Alie has already explained time and again what needs to be done it does seem that there’s a disconnect somewhere.

I don’t know that book, but I did see it was a Reese’s Book Club pick! And that the author did a lot of research for it. It might be a helpful resource.

However, your reading of the situation is quite negative (“he does see the mess,” “he just chooses not to care,” and insinuating he’s not an adult). But we don’t know this person, his history, etc. It’s a lot to assume based on a single blog comment.

Moreover, being married, having two sons, and hearing from hundreds of men over the years on this, I’m convinced some guys do not perceive the mess many women do. Plus, personalities can view it differently, with some having a much higher tolerance for mess than others. Yes, there needs to be a fair distribution of labor (I’ve said a whole lot in my writing and speaking), but it doesn’t seem fair either to describe this husband as a selfish child, given what little we know.

I encourage spouses to start with viewing their mate’s actions in the best light, consider their expectations and desires, communicate, negotiate, and then yes, set boundaries if needed.

I would ask your husband to read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky with you, it’s a great system. Setting up a standard of care is something taught. It’s not okay that he half does jobs and he does see the mess, he just choses not to care. It’s not okay for him to take on a task and not to own it completely by doing it all the way. Washing the sink out and wiping down counters is part of the job. He wouldn’t behave at work that way, so expect him to complete tasks all the way at home. You following behind him and moving his shoes, washing out the sink, and cleaning his crumbs even if it doesn’t take a long time is adding more to your labor and breeds resentment. He needs to be a full adult.

Sorry, but you can’t make him do it your way. Yes, I agree that it would be helpful, kind, and good for him to be more conscientious with these tasks, but he probably just doesn’t see what you’re seeing. And telling him how to do things better likely comes across as nagging. Even if he responds in the moment by fixing what he did incorrectly, that tactic builds resentment and distance in a relationship. Some alternatives include:

1. Giving him tasks he does well or that you’re less concerned about, and taking on the ones you’re more particular about.
2. Asking him questions to help him see what you see, “I’m seeing crumbs. Do you see crumbs?” You have to do this with a nonjudgmental attitude. (But it worked in the one and only disagreement my college roommate and I ever had!)
3. Letting it go, because it’s not that big a deal in the end. (There’s a limit to this, of course, as in you shouldn’t be expected to carry a much heavier load. But this is the tactic I employed regarding my husband leaving his shoes out. It takes seconds for me to put them away, which ended up being far easier on both of us.)
4. Inviting him to make a chore list with you and negotiating the distribution of labor.

Also, talk about the why of things. Why does it matter for him to put his shoes on the mat? He may not see the point, while you have a good reason for it. Both my husband and I have had to do that about issues: explain the underlying concern, so that the request doesn’t seem like a petty, controlling thing but rather a legitimate concern.

Hope this helps!

Good for y’all! Sounds like you negotiated a great partnership, and I applaud you for it.

And sure, that kind of sharing of the load is not a turn-on for many, but not feeling like you have a real partner in your marriage is certainly a turn-off.

Oh my! I’m so sorry. I can only imagine your hurt. Praying for a breakthrough!