Yes, it’s the 10 minutes that I picked up on straight away. I’ve heard this so much in articles and comments over the years and I’m left shaking my head each time. The fact that a ‘good body massage usually puts her to sleep’ could be a starting point. You might have to put in a lot of work before sex the way you want it takes place. If you are not prepared to do something intimate (initially) which might relax her so much that she falls asleep, she might sense your impatience and this is maybe all she can manage at the moment. Massages could be the on-ramp to mutual, fulfilling sex. It was for me. Oh and let her take her time, never mind 10 minutes.

I agree with so much you’ve said here! I do advise, however, that before concluding that a spouse has become physically or emotionally engaged with someone else, you look at more than sexual avoidance; that is, there should be more than that single sign to begin suspecting something like that.

My heart hurts for the husbands on here who are voicing the level of pain I hear in your words. However, I agree with Martha re 10 minutes. I sense your frustration in your responses, but I hope you didn’t voice such thoughts to your wife as it probably only served to reinforce the idea in her mind that sex is only for you and all you want from her is sex. From what you’ve said, your wife is making excuses. Is there any possibility that she has become emotionally entangled with someone else? You say you have love and I get the impression that you’re saying your wife returns your love, but how do you know? In a marriage relationship, I would have thought that when spouses say they love each other, that includes being intimate (unless they are working through other issues as J mentioned above) or working towards that goal if there are obstacles or reasons it’s not possible (such as after having given birth or after surgery, etc). As to where you go from here, I like what J suggested: tell your spouse that you’re going to counselling and will be talking about these issues and if she wants her side heard she needs to come too.

Thank you Martha. The problem is in my experience a good body massage usually puts her to sleep at bedtime, and a foot massage (which happens more often) pretty much does the same thing. I’m not making excuses, it’s just how it is.

Plus all this is getting to me so much it’s affecting my mood, which in turn affects how I react to things and now according to her I’m moody and grumpy. I’ve internalised it for too long and now I’ve cracked.

Deprived,
You wrote that your wife can’t find 10 minutes for sex. For a sexual encounter to be physically and emotionally satisfying for a woman it should last definitely more than that.
I would recommend starting from a whole body massage for her. That should relax her but the time dedicated to the whole experience (massage and hopefully sex later) ought to be at least one hour.

Did she like sex at some point? Because if I were in conversation with her, I’d be asking how she feels about sex itself and whether it was satisfying for her. Does she recall enjoying it? What her views on how sexual desire work? That is, does she expect that sex happens when people are “in the mood” or can they start and get aroused later? How does she feel about herself as a sexual being? And what would make her feel more sensual? Just a series of questions! Mind you, she’d likely answer someone like me more honestly than the person whom she knows wants sex more than she does, even though you’re the only she should most talk about this with.

Also, there’s no abuse or anything in our pasts. She’s just got complacent, blames tiredness/kids (teenagers knowing what we’d be doing behind closed doors; and she is very selective of timing – not before work because of being uncomfortable all day, and not at night because she can’t sleep afterwards). But you can’t keep that excuse going for years. Not being able to find 10 minutes in 12 months doesn’t stand up. Whenever I bring up how long it’s been, I get the “we’ve been married 20 years” blurb. Sometimes when it’s been heated she’s said, “we’re obviously not compatible, maybe you should find someone else”. The problem with that being said again is that I’ll probably say I should. But that’s the first nail in the coffin. Other counsellors have suggested long term deprivation is a Biblical reason for divorce. If I had the money to be self sufficient, I wonder if I would. We have love, but at the moment love isn’t enough.

Thank you J

“I shudder every time people say about God wanting you to have a great sex life.” I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I do continue to say it, because I believe it. In the same way that God wants all of us to be saved (see 2 Peter 3:9). BUT it requires our cooperation. God won’t force either on us, but rather gives us free will to choose His design or not. In the case of marriage, that can be particularly disheartening; after all, you’re only half of the equation. You can agree entirely with God’s plan for sexual intimacy, but if your spouse rejects that plan outright, what next?

As for solutions, I’m glad you’re continuing to love her in other ways. But you’re right that the lack of physical intimacy impacts one’s relationship, one’s heart, and at times one’s faith in God (even though He is there, rooting for you both). I have suggested to spouses before that they tell their spouse they’re going to counseling and talking about these issues no matter what, and if the spouse wants to make sure the counselor hears their side, they’re welcome to show up. Another option is to bring it up to a trusted pastor or mentor and ask them to intervene, BUT this has to be done very carefully and gently and certainly not come across as an ambush but rather outreach. Finally, I wonder if your wife knows how much this is hurting you (to the point of considering leaving) and why it matters (not because you need a “release” but because you want and miss her). It’s not easy to get that across, but one option is to share an article with her and just check in later to ask if she had any thoughts about it. Two such articles I would suggest are:

How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels (And I suggest you read How the Sexually Disinterested Spouse Feels for yourself.)

A Moment of Hard Truth – Forgiven Wife

Oh, I’m so sorry. The whole “you don’t do it after 20 years of marriage” is especially sad to me, because it’s not at all true and oftentimes sex is best when you’ve had many years to, well, get good at it. I wonder where your spouse got those messages or why the wall is there (past trauma perhaps?). I always wish I could talk to those spouses and share why sex isn’t just for their partner but for them too and why an intimate sex life really matters. Praying for a breakthrough. But I do ache for the rejection and loneliness you’ve experienced in your marriage.