Thanks, Bill. And I’m sorry that y’all have gone through that difficult journey. I pray that God will bless you, maybe not in the way that you want in that area, but in many other ways that demonstrate His love and faithfulness.

I have chafed (and complained in posts here) so much about the assumption that I see in so much Christian literature: that God will “bless” us with improved sex lives if we are just patient and hard-working enough. I understand that most people do need encouragement and tips. And it’s hard to write “well maybe nothing will change; too bad for you.” But my wife and I are coming up on thirty years of marriage and trying to get our sex life to lift off, without much improvement. I’ve scoured and read everything I can and tried to talk and listen as much as possible; but every time I think we’ve found and addressed “the cause,” there’s always a new one underneath.

So while I’m happy for those that are able to experience a marked improvement, I can let myself get angrier and angrier at those (not you, J) who do seem to push a “sexual prosperity gospel” that just makes me feel like an ineffective loser for not yet figuring out the magic solution to the “blessing” that I am _entitled_ to. I have frankly often found secular literature on sex a lot more helpful, because it does not come with a “blessing” framing that assumes things _can_ get better or that we’re all entitled to good/great sex; it’s often more matter-of-fact and realistic that sometimes nothing will change.

We inevitably take “blessing” to mean “more/better/abundance” of the things we want. But as your post wisely says, God gives us different sex lives for different reasons, and the real blessing may be the spiritual growth that comes from whatever we receive.

I also don’t think you were entirely wrong; God does work to improve our sex lives…just not always. And you have always been a much more sensitive writer and commenter than many of your peers out there. So thank you for this reframing, and thank you for all the work you have done and continue to do.

Oh I know, now. At the time there wasn’t very many resources on the subject of what the birth control pill did to a woman’s libedo. My wife and I are educating our children so they don’t go through the same thing we did.

I don’t have comments on this article but I find it interesting that this book is out there…I think it’s scary that women can order birth control through the mail now, without ever talking to a doctor and being informed of the tradeoffs – i.e., it’s more than a matter of, “take this pill and you can have all the sex you want without getting pregnant.” I was on the pill for 7 years, from a little before I got married until I finished graduate school; and even though I saw an RN for an exam once per year there were still things I wasn’t told, possibly because they weren’t known then. But I wonder looking back how it might have stunted my productivity and might still be affecting me all these years later.

One of the most important books I’ve read in the last few years was THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON BIRTH CONTROL by Sarah E. Hill. She did a fabulous job of addressing the concerns of hormonal birth control without being alarmist. I’m so glad y’all figured things out! And if anyone else wants to know what the big deal is: https://amzn.to/3Ce1ZNe

C.S. Lewis spoke quite well about sex and sexual desire. I loved that statement about starving and gluttonous men. And thanks for your kind words, Matthew. Praying for things in your marriage to change!

J,
Great post! Reading this caused me to reflect on my own sometimes selfish perspective when it comes to sex within the marriage bed with my own wife. When you’re in a virtually sexless marriage it’s very tempting to turn your sexual appetite into an idol, even when its a God-given desire (to quote Calvin, the human heart is an idol factory). This topic also reminds me of that quote by CS Lewis that its not just “starving” men who think about food but also gluttons (using this as an analogy to our sexual appetites). Thanks for providing some spiritual perspective on this matter. Your husband is blessed to have you as a spouse and you’re awesome 🙌.

You’re welcome.