I’m glad that you discovered your sexuality and came to enjoy this gift. Blessings!

My heart breaks for your wife, she must have so much pain, and shame for something that happened to her. I hope she is able to heal. Having no confidence in your looks is a hardship many women have, losing your breasts and developing other conditions that can feel disfiguring. I hope you both can look into resources that can give her confidence and knowledge of her own beauty so that part of her can heal and you both can move forward.

Thanks, J.

Yep, this is why I added a note at the end of that section: “*Note: There are good reasons for not wanting sex in marriage. You can find more about that in 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and other posts on my site.” My 7 understandable reasons in that post are:

1. You Don’t Understand Your Sexuality
2. You’ve Been Hurt by Sex
3. Your Body Isn’t Responsive
4. You Don’t Feel Good About Yourself
5. Your Pleasure Isn’t Prioritized
6. Your Marriage Is Troubled
7. Your Theology of Sex Is Incomplete

Obviously, how to handle each of those is different, and I cover that in the post. Sometimes, the answer is to pursue health, healing, and better understanding for yourself, and sometimes the answer is to avoid sex unless and until you are safe.

Thanks for the question.

Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me add another hate to my list: I hate that your wife felt she couldn’t even show her body anymore. It’s still beautiful. May you find some comfort somehow in the absence of the sex life you two could have / should have had.

Ugh, Andrew. I hate that it ever caused you pain!

But I do enjoy your poetry. You’re a quite talented poet.

Be well, my friend.

Fatalism can be taken too far, I guess. Pride, too.

So many things were meant to be
accepted, not complained about,
and I thought that this kept me free
from having to protest and shout
to the the Lord that it’s not right
(like that widow who assailed the judge).
It was easier not to fight,
more dignified than even nudge
any worthwhile agency
to take up and plead my cause.
Yeah, this was my strategy,
and you can surely see its flaws
for what they are in light of day,
with pride foremost, as hell to pay.

Haven’t been intimate since cancer 20 years ago. Double mastectomy and bad varicose veins keep me from her. No touching she says, don’t even look!

Seems perfectly happy living a celibate life and forcing one on me , too. I entered a Christian marriage with an understanding of God’s view and looked forward to a normal sex life but have been bitterly disappointed. I’m afraid we’ll be judged for this!