What a convenient explanation: It’s the fault of women. Oh, and denying the research, the hundreds of stories I’ve heard through the years, and the experience of many marriage and sex therapists I know (who say, yes, there is a substantial percentage of higher desire wives) doesn’t change reality. Clearly, the scenario you’ve dealt with—and perhaps heard about from others—involves a willing husband and a reluctant wife. But if your response to that is to frame the problem as us vs them or him vs her, then I don’t know how you make progress from here. A wife will likely pick up on that resentment and become even less willing to work on the sexual piece of a marriage.

I’m not giving a refusing wife a get-out-free card here. For instance, you can what I’ve said on that subject here, here, and here. But what a resistant spouse needs is not pressure or condemnation but invitation and compassion. Why? Because that’s what both of you need. It’s what agape love looks like.

While I appreciate your willingness and commitment to clean, it is neither choreplay nor emotional connecting for you to kiss and touch your wife when she’s trying to get a task done. If you want to actually partner with her, pick up a towel and dry or help her load the dishwasher. Again, trade chores, not chore for sexual contact (including, in this case, you getting to touch her body when she isn’t ready for it).

yep, but even standing behind the spouse kissing her neck or behind her shoulder area while she is doing the dishes, is a form of “choreplay” I explain that I’m “helping” her. Except she seems to freeze up and rests the palm of her hands on the edge of the sink, then says “this isn’t helping.

I grew up the eldest of 5, with both parents working. I cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, ironed shirts, did the laundry and the dishes growing up. In fact I concentrated more on keeping a spotless clean house than I did doing my homework and I know my spouse appreciates that we mutually keep a clean house. Our friends and family sometimes shake their heads as we even keep the bottom of waste basket in the kitchen clean.

It’s just another form of emotional connection whenever we do something together, even doing the dishes.

I think it’s entirely accurate. But it’s not because they’re bartering housework and childcare for sex. It’s that these wives feel the support of their husbands, they witness their guys accomplishing things, they see the tender relationships they have with their children, and they have more time and energy to devote to sexual thoughts and actions. Chris Taylor and I talked about this on an episode of Knowing Her Sexually: https://khsministry.com/2020/06/04/episode-6-does-choreplay-work/ (Patreon-protected on our site, but you might be able to find the episode elsewhere). Also see, Why Being a Good Father Turns Your Wife On