What should a wife know about sex? Well, lots of things, including how Tab A fits into Slot B. ~grin~ But with 12+ years of ministering to wives and couples regarding sexual intimacy in marriage, a few important points rise to the top. Here are three things I believe every wife should know about sex.

1. You Were Made in God’s Image.

The older I get, the more favorite Bible verses I have. In my Top 10 might well be:

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Genesis 1:27

That one verse is bursting with truths that make a huge difference in how we live our lives … if only we believe them. God—the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Master of the Universe—created us. As if that isn’t cool enough, He made us in His own image! So, our very existence testifies to who God is, including the beauty and intimacy inherent in His person. And He expressed His image in two same-but-different aspects—male and female—that when brought together represent Him even more. Mind. Blown.

But what does any of that mean when it comes to women and sex? Well, it means that we are an integral part of the equation. Our feminine nature—displayed through our bodies, our minds, and our hearts—has value. And if we want to honor our Creator, we’ll own that truth.

Too often, we don’t value ourselves as much as God does. So, we don’t like our bodies, we don’t speak up for what we want sexually, and we don’t value our contribution to the sexual relationship we have with our husbands.

As the saying goes, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking about yourself less.” When we feel secure in God’s love and embrace our inherent worth as a daughter of the King, then we can let go of thinking about ourselves so much and simply enjoy the experience of pleasure and intimacy with a loving husband.

Let’s live out made in his image, even in the bedroom.

Struggling with this?

• Body Image: Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
• 5 Reasons to Embrace the Body You Have
• Episode 111: Accepting Your Body – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
• A Love Letter to Yourself
• Wives, Your Voice Matters (in the Bedroom & Beyond)

2. Sex Should Feel Good.

While playing Spouse-Ology, a newlywed board game, with our son and daughterish, we received a question that began with the scenario of “if you were going on a 10-day camping trip” and then a follow-up about which you’d rather do. Spock and I won that round by playing an off-script token that allowed us to choose an answer not in the multiple-choice list. That answer? J. Parker would never go on a 10-day camping trip. Leave me at the posh hotel and pick me back up after your masochistic adventure of self-deprivation!

Some of you are screaming at me right now, because you can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t love camping. And for y’all, here’s a tip: You can’t convince me to enjoy camping with stories about how much you like it, or with a slightly different suggestion (“Try a mini-camper!” “Go to this national park!”), or encouragement to “Go anyway, because you’ll make great memories with your family.” I went camping with my Boy Scout son, because I love him, but I stopped as soon as he left Scouts.

Why am I telling you about my camping aversion? Because for some wives, sex doesn’t feel good. It hurts, or it doesn’t do much for you, or you end up with an infection afterward, or you feel used. And no one telling you how much they like it, or offering a slightly different suggestion, or telling you to do it anyway because it’s good for marriage will convince you that sex can give you pleasure. If you haven’t experienced it, then why would you believe that things could change?

But I will posit two things, one that I don’t currently believe and one that you don’t currently believe: Camping should be fun, and sex should feel good. And for each of us to believe that, the experience itself must change.

Thus, our first question is: Why don’t you enjoy it? Once you answer that, you can begin to explore answers and pursue healing to bring you to a better place. Your journey might involve a visit to your healthcare provider, a conversation with your husband, individual or marital counseling, fresh tips and techniques for arousal and pleasure, figuring out orgasm, recovering from past trauma, addressing your husband’s or your own pornography use, or something else entirely.

The reason I don’t enjoy camping isn’t the same reason others don’t enjoy it. For instance, mosquitoes rarely bite me, so that’s not my issue. But lack of plumbing? Oh yeah, that’s something that would need addressing for me.

Figure out what you need to address regarding sex in your marriage and take that first step.

Struggling with this?

• Is Sex for You Like Going to the Dentist?
• Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage
• Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design
• Q&A with J: Your Pleasure & Orgasm Matter
• How To Tips Archives
• Episode 154: Why We’re Against Porn and Erotica – Sex Chat for Christian Wives

3. Your Sexuality Matters.

Too often in Christian circles (and secular ones too), sex has been discussed a man’s desire and a husband’s privilege. Plenty of resources messaged to wives that their calling was to engage in sex for the sake of their husband and their marriage. Even my own blog began in great part as an attempt to convince wives who weren’t having enough sex in their marriage why it was a worthwhile endeavor (though I never suggested she had to have sex, much less bad sex!).

Through the years, I’ve seen how misguided it is to set the husband’s drive as the standard for sex in a marriage. God designed sex to be mutually desired and satisfying, meaning that the sex life that a couple builds should reflect both of them. Defining sex according to what he wants left far too many wives feeling obligated, used, and/or less valued. And 20–25% of wives couldn’t express their full sexuality because they had married a lower drive husband.

Please hear this, wife: Your sexuality matters just as much as his!

You should both know how your desire and your body work. Your sexual frequency should be negotiated to fit both spouses’ needs and the good of the marriage. Your sexual repertoire should include activities you want or are willing to try. Your pleasure and orgasm should also be prioritized.

Bedroom tango should involve two dance partners moving in sync.

Struggling with this?

• The #1 Myth Christian Women Learned about Sex
• Understanding Your Sex Drive – Webinar Replay – Sex Chat for Christian Wives (only $5!)
• Sex Is for You Too (guest post from Scott Means)
• Episode 118: Sex Is for You Too – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
• You Are Not Your Husband’s Sex Toy
• Q&A with J: Should A Higher Drive Spouse Lower Their Expectations?
• 5 Truths for High-Drive Wives
• Desire Con 2023 – Higher Desire Wife Conference (Replay)

While these three principles aren’t the only ones I could suggest (Hey, I have >1000 posts here), embracing these foundational beliefs can lay the foundation for wonderful sexual intimacy in your marriage.

The post 3 Things Every Wife Should Know About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

One of the aspects I adore about the Song of Solomon, the one biblical book devoted to marital intimacy, is how the wife communicates her own enjoyment of sex with her husband. She doesn’t just make love to meet his needs and desires; she finds pleasure in the experience too!

And then, she goes a step further and shares with her husband her appreciation of their sexual intimacy.

How handsome you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

Song of Solomon 1:16

How can we wives lovingly communicate our enjoyment of marital lovemaking?

Here are five ways to let your husband know you enjoy sex.

1. Say yes.

One sure way to let your husband know you don’t desire and enjoy sex is to say “no” often. Of course, the opposite is true: Say “yes” often, and he’ll get the message that you see sex as a priority for your marriage. But don’t merely be available; get engaged. Say “yes!” to the whole experience.

Show up to the marriage bed as a fully participating lover. If you give your physical intimacy more attention and focus, you’ll likely find yourself enjoying sex more and more.

Note: This doesn’t mean you can’t say no. You certainly can, but overall the setpoint in a marriage should be toward yes. If you have good reasons for refusing, address them so you change the course of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

2. Move your body.

Lean into the lovemaking. When you have sex with your husband, touch and caress him. Kiss his lips and his body. Rub against him with your body. Tilt your hips toward him. Move in rhythm with his thrusting.

Your movement will likely increase your own arousal. Moreover, when you “get into it,” you convey to your husband that you’re fully involved in what’s happening with your bodies. It’s like the difference between a man dancing and dragging his partner across the floor, and the both of you fully enjoying the “mattress mambo.”

3. Make some noise.

No matter how focused your husband is on other things, he can probably hear you throughout the sexual encounter. So let your voice convey when you are feeling pleasure.

Noise can be anything from low moaning to heavy breathing to unbridled screaming—whatever fits the moment, your comfort zone, and the distance from your bedroom to the children’s bedroom. But don’t worry so much about sounding weird or being overheard. Let loose a little and make some bedroom noise.

(Oh, and don’t worry so much how you look either: Forget What You Look Like While Making Love.)

4. Initiate Sex.

Show him you like sex by outright asking for it! Most husbands revel in that moment when a wife overtly suggests sex. Your initiation can take the form of sexy flirting, setting a romantic scene and donning special lingerie, requesting sex at a particular time and place, or simply straddling your husband in bed and saying, “Let’s do it!”

But make it a priority to initiate sex, at least now and then. Express to your husband that sex is so wonderful you’re eager to make love again.

Not your situation? We can help!

5. Just tell him you like it—but not subtly.

We wives are often brought up to use courtesy and subtlety as ways to communicate in a ladylike fashion. That’s all well and good, ladies, but most men don’t read social cues and body language as well as we do. They don’t take hints. So simply say it—as candidly as you can.

It can be as straightforward as “You’re an amazing lover,” as meaningful as “I adore feeling like one flesh when we make love,” or as playful as “Honey, you put the wow in bow-chicka-bow-wow!” But get the point across to your husband that sex is important and satisfying.

Those are small ways to let your husband know that you enjoy making love. And they can foster your enjoyment of lovemaking as well!

The post 5 Ways to Let Him Know You Enjoy Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

None of those is a terrible goal in and of itself, but I’m always struck by how hard we woman are on ourselves. When it comes to appearance, we can be our own worst critic, looking in the mirror and giving ourselves a one-star review.

We have to stop being so hard on ourselves! But I agree that it’s a struggle. Here are some common messages we tell ourselves, along with reality checks.

“I can’t compete with those women!”

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others, and notice when they have physical characteristics we wish we had. Maybe another women you know has smoother skin or a flatter stomach or lovelier eyes or sleeker hair or perkier breasts.

Maybe that woman just has the whole package. And standing next to her makes one feel like a garbage heap next to the Taj Mahal. How can we compete with that?

Reality Check: If we think we’re competing, we all lose.

We don’t like being judged solely on our appearance, so why do we do it to others? That woman who is gorgeous-times-ten may not have your singing voice or your cooking talent or your math skills or your wit. Maybe she had terrible parents or went through a bad divorce. Or perhaps she’s just spent the majority of her life having everyone size her up based on her looks or batting away ongoing harassment.

God created us as total beings, and appearance is just one part of our appeal. Stop comparing yourself on one aspect of the total and finding yourself wanting. For all you know, that woman is doing the same thing, comparing herself to you in another area and believing she doesn’t measure up. Isn’t it time we gals instead encourage one another to own our unique worth?

“But I used to look so much better.”

Another option is comparing to our own selves, to those days when we looked and felt better about ourselves. Maybe you used to have that flat tummy, when you were a ripe 20 years old; or your skin was smooth, before a murder of crows’ feet clawed all around your eyes; or your breasts once stood at attention, and now they’re fully at-ease.

(Moreover, 2020 was not kind to many of us as we couldn’t engage in our usual exercise program or ate through the Ben & Jerry’s flavor options as a coping mechanism.)

It aches not to have the beauty you once possessed.

Reality Check: We can only go forward.

Time only goes one way. Not even Hermoine’s time-turner can take you back a single hour. Now that you know that, what’s your plan? How about looking ahead to what you can do?

If you looked better before because you were in better shape before, prioritize health and exercise. If you just want to be your best, study up on how to look and feel better at your age. (I have actually watched YouTube videos with makeup and style advice tailored to ladies over 50.) If you’re simply stuck on how the past was kinder to you than today, shift your thinking.

Remind yourself of all the great aspects of getting older! Seriously, I’m wiser, calmer, more confident, and closer to being a grandmother than ever before. These are all good things! Make your own list.

Many women also report being better off sexually as they get older—more aware of their body, able to speak up for their desires, capable of orgasm or even multiples, and more. All good reasons to embrace the body you have!

“My husband notices other women!”

Your husband notices pretty women. Because God—what was He thinking?—gave your man eyes. And you notice your husband noticing. Which makes you feel like his taste is, well, not you. Because otherwise, wouldn’t he only have eyes for you?

So we wallow in feeling inadequate, even to the guy who swore at the altar that you were his one and only. Maybe you should have gotten that in writing…in blood.

Reality Check: Noticing isn’t wanting.

Can you name a male celebrity you think is attractive? You can?! Oh my, that means you noticed him. That doesn’t mean you want that guy. And your husband noticing some other woman, and her beauty, doesn’t mean he’s lusting or wanting her either.

(Now, he may be lusting, in which case you have every reason to object! See What Is Lusting? and Does Your Husband Look at Other Women?)

If you have noticed him noticing, tell him it bothers you. Not in an accusatory, how-could-you way, but rather letting him that his actions are sending a hurtful message. It’s reasonable to ask your beloved to change a little something about their habits or behaviors to help you feel more secure and loved in your marriage.

“I can’t get away from the negative messages.”

The messaging about what women are “supposed” to look like can feel relentless. Impossible standards of beauty are held up everywhere from Photoshopped magazine covers to fashion runways to social media attacks on those who don’t fall in line (just ask celebrities who’ve been “fat-shamed”).

Reality Check: The messages won’t stop.

While we could make a pastime railing against the purveyors of ridiculous beauty criteria—and we should speak up routinely—it probably won’t stop. Because if they can convince us we’re not good enough, we’ll buy their beauty product, clothing line, plastic surgery, or fashion magazine.

The ease of promoting such messages and the economic incentives to do so are much too high to expect they’ll cease. It’s up to us, as individuals, couples, and communities, to believe in the beauty of the individual woman, whoever she is.

We as Christians, in particular, must hearken back to a Creator who created us to feel beautiful and strong and confident when we rest in Him.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
 the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
 and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
 and crowned him with glory and honor.

Psalm 8:3-5

Summary: heavens awesome, but wait—we’re even more awesome, made in God’s image!

Okay, don’t be a jerk about it. (I can find plenty of Bible verses against that idea.) But own the idea that you are enough.

Beauty isn’t the only thing or the most important or even that big a thing when you’re talking about the value of your body. Your body was made to do things, and it does them pretty well!

Stop comparing to others, your past self, what you think someone else is thinking, and the ads meant to make you buy things. Let’s go easier on ourselves and our view of our bodies.

The post Body Image: Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But it’s a bit different in the internet age, in that I met Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife through blogging channels and got to know her through comments and Facebook messages. Together, we then hatched the idea of a roundtable podcast, invited Gaye of Calm.Healthy.Sexy. and Bonny of OysterBed7 to join us, and deepened our connection through Skype chats and podcast recordings. We finally got together in person last fall and did it again this past April.

What really seals our friendship is our similar personalities and shared mission to promote godly, intimate, and satisfying sex in marriages. So what a pleasure today to have my good friend Chris with us to share her thoughts on the secret sex lives of real wives. Take it away, Chris!

The Bible very clearly tells us that God created men and women differently.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

Not only do men’s and women’s bodies look different, their sexual response is different too.

I’m going to let you in on a secret about that.

This is God’s design.

A Male Paradigm

Our differences are part of God’s design—yet we seem to think our sexuality and sexual response should work the same way in either sex. More often than not, we look at male sexuality and assume it should be like that for all of us, women included.

This male paradigm of sexual response tells us several things:

• Orgasm is reached after only a few minutes of sexual stimulation.
• Even if you’re tired or stressed, sex should be easy.
• Intercourse is the way to have an orgasm.

For most men (not all), this is pretty much the way sexual response works.

For women? Not so much.

What About Women?

For most women, sexuality looks very different from what we see in men—but far too often this is such a secret that we ourselves don’t know how our sexual response works.

We learn about sex from our parents, our schools, our churches, and popular culture.

We’re taught about how our bodies will change during puberty. We may learn the basics of sexual mechanics (although even that instruction presumes that arousal has already taken place). Some of us have learned from our churches that boys think about sex a lot.

It’s rare to find a woman who arrives at adulthood with information about female sexual response.

It’s rare to find a woman who arrives at adulthood with information about female sexual response. – Chris Taylor via @hotholyhumorous
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Without accurate information about women’s sexuality, we assume that our sexual response should look like a man’s—and when it doesn’t, we easily can feel defective or broken or think it means we have a low sex drive or sexual dysfunction.

A woman’s sexual response has nothing to do with whether she has more or less sexual interest than her husband does. A wife with a higher drive than her husband has a female sexual response, just as a lower-drive woman does.

On our podcast, we’ve often talked about how sad it is that we were married and sexual for so long without understanding our own sexual response. I’ve heard from many women who’ve read my blog and say how relieved they are to learn that they are completely normal.

Secrets of Female Sexuality (and Tips for Husbands)

Female sexuality is shrouded in mystery—and it shouldn’t be. Today I’m going to lift the veil and reveal some things that shouldn’t be secret at all.

Unfortunately, our husbands might be even more in the dark as we are about our sexuality. So for each of the secrets below, I want to include a tip to help husbands make the most of that aspect of female sexual response.

1. Orgasm requires time.

Women require an average of 20 minutes to reach climax, which means that although some women need less time, some will need quite a bit more.

Instead of thinking it is taking you a long time, tell yourself that it takes how much time it takes—and that your sexual pleasure is worthy of both your time and your husband’s.

Tip for husbands

In Song of Songs 6:2-3, we see a husband who takes his time browsing in his wife’s garden. So guys? Take your time to browse. Slow waaaaaaayyyyyyy down. (See J’s The One Sex Tip I Give Husbands Over and Over.) Don’t be in a rush to get to a happy ending. Enjoy the journey of your wife’s body.

2. Sexuality is contextual.

Research into women’s sexual desire and response* shows that women are influenced by many factors that seem to have nothing to do with sex: their emotional state, current life stresses, dysfunction in her family of origin, physical and mental health, self-image, general level of intimacy and connection in non-sexual aspects of her relationship with her husband, and more.

So ladies? Take care of that context. Tend to your health. Learn to deal with stress. Work on intimacy outside the bedroom. Taking care of yourself helps your sex life.

Tip for husbands

Make it easier for your wife to take care of herself. Take on some of the mental and physical responsibilities of caring for your home and children. Create space for her to do things that help her feel good about herself. Encourage her to seek healing of old emotional wounds. Be intentional about fostering non-sexual intimacy in your marriage. The Bible tells you in 1 Peter 3:7 to live with your wife in an understanding way. Let that understanding come with support and encouragement.

3. Intercourse is not the most effective means to reach orgasm.

Only about 30% of women achieve climax through intercourse. Most women find that manual or oral stimulation have the best chance for leading to orgasm.

Many couples find that it works best for her to experience orgasm in some way first. Then they proceed to intercourse and his orgasm. Talk with your husband about what kinds of touching and kissing you like, and when. If you like to be aroused through kissing and your husband’s hands first and then proceed to oral sex, be sure to communicate that to your husband.

Tip for husbands

Learn the kinds of touch that are most helpful and pleasurable for your wife. Be sure to check out this great post at Awaken Love about how to touch your wife.

No More Secrets

Women, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Our sexuality works the way it does because God created us in this way.

If it takes you a while to achieve climax, if you find that you are easily affected by other things in your life, or if you need something other than intercourse to help you experience an orgasm, know this:

You are not broken. You are not lesser than. You are not defective or dysfunctional.

The secret is out: You are a woman.

To learn more about your sexual response, check out the upcoming Sex Chat for Christian Wives webinar series. Two of our webinars about your sexual response—one webinar for you and one for your husband.

If you’d like to talk with other women about women’s sexual desire and response, I’d love to have you join my new Honeycomb & Spice community for Christian wives.

Chris Taylor encourages women to enjoy sexual intimacy in their marriages at The Forgiven Wife, on the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, and in the Honeycomb & Spice community for Christian wives.

She lives with her husband in southeastern Wisconsin where she enjoys Wisconsin weather even in the winter.

Sources:
*Basson, R., et al. (2003). Definitions of women’s sexual dysfunction reconsidered: advocating expansion and revision. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 24, 221-229.
Basson, R. (2002). Women’s sexual desire—disordered or misunderstood? Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 17-28.
Brotto., L., Heiman, J., & Tolman, D. (2009). Narratives of desire in mid-age women with and without arousal difficulties. Journal of Sex Research, 46 (5), 387-398.
Goldhammer, D., & McCabe, M. (2011). A qualititative exploration of the meaning and experience of sexual desire among partnered women. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 20 (1-2), 19-29.

The post The Secret Sex Lives of Real Wives appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

• “Sex drive” refers to one’s independent desire to have sex; that is, feeling “in the mood.”
• Your sex drive is less than his.

But what if those two presumptions aren’t true.

Sadly, we women often don’t understand our sexuality. We may know how our own bodies work, but we still feel like something’s missing when our sex drive doesn’t look like our husband’s. I’m not even talking about low-drive vs high-drive wives, because our misconceptions span across that continuum.

Where can you get the truth?

As I have learned more, I’ve wanted to share what I know about female sexuality. And the same is true of my podcast partners, Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife, Bonny Burns of OysterBed7, and Gaye Christmas of Calm.Healthy.Sexy. We want to right the record, reform our perspective, and release women’s sexuality to be what God created it to be.

That’s why we’re thrilled to offer our first Sex Chat for Christan Wives webinar on the topic of Understanding Your Sex Drive! We’re inviting wives to pour a cup of java or tea, join us at our virtual kitchen table, and learn about God’s perfect design for a wife’s sex drive.

We know you busy ladies don’t have a lot of extra time on your calendar, so we’ll be meeting for less than 40 minutes, but that time will be packed with great insight. Plus, you’ll get to see us the way we get to see each other when we record our podcast episodes.

There will also be an opportunity to submit questions, which we’ll answer as time permits.

How can you join our webinar?

For right now, just mark your calendar for July 18, 2019, 7:30 p.m. Eastern Time. Give your work or family a heads-up that you’ve set aside that time. Then sign up for our emails, so we can alert you when the sales page goes live in early July.

Of course, I’ll also continue to share about the webinar here, on my blog, and on Facebook.

What does the webinar cost?

For each webinar, we’re only charging a whopping $5!

Yep, for about the same as a Chick-Fil-A kid’s meal, you can hang out with us, gain a great perspective, and improve your sex life. And with four of us, our smiles outdo your typical Chick-Fil-A employee!

(I’ll even add “Have a blessed day” if you want. Though I might opt for “Have a blessed night…bow-chicka-wow-wow.”)

Is this the only webinar?

This is the first webinar in three we’re offering in 2019. In addition to Understanding Your Sex Drive, we’ll also be talking to wives about Foreplay and to husbands about Understanding Her Sex Drive. So put those dates in your calendar as well.

We look forward to seeing you there!

The post What Wives Should Know about Their Sex Drive appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.