When I started blogging in December 2010, I’d already learned quite a bit about sex, but I’ve gained far more knowledge since. I’ve read books and articles, done deep-dive Bible study, discovered interesting research, gained information and insight from fellow authors and speakers, and heard from many spouses through the years who shared their stories and struggles.

So when I pulled up a post from 2013 and read it recently, I winced a few times at my wording. While I stand behind the principles of what I said, I’d say it differently now.

Could my words be harmful?

At times I wonder whether I should take old posts down altogether…except that I still get messages from a spouse now and then who gained something important and helpful from an older post.

Someday soon, I hope to go back through all my posts, re-read them, and correct what I’d say differently now. But I’ve been blogging for 10 years and have published over 950 posts. How long will that project take? And I don’t want to spend all my time revisiting old posts but also writing new ones based on current issues.

It’s a conundrum. Something I said way back might be harmful if read by someone without the context of all I’ve written around or since then. Or it could be used by an ill-willed spouse to pressure or demand sex they feel owed in their marriage.

The weight hangs over me, wondering if and when something I said could hurt a marriage rather than help it. That would obviously be the opposite of my intention, my hope, my prayer!

Will I be mischaracterized?

It doesn’t help that we live in a culture currently in which some will take a snippet of text out of what someone wrote, share and criticize the excerpt, and mischaracterize the author’s intent.

Now that’s just a hazard of being a writer, so I’m not asking for some special sympathy. If I can’t take that heat, I need to leave the kitchen. But I would prefer our society to operate more __ like Hell’s Kitchen.

Just as an example, I finally got a one-star review for my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. Not from someone who read the book, but felt it necessary to share her opinion of me on Amazon anyway.

I’m fine with having a bad review, but I wondered what made her say “her behavior and beliefs are crazy and abusive towards women.” What exactly made her believe that I was such a hazard? Hey, I could accept I’m a little crazy at times, but “abusive towards women” is a definite mischaracterization of me and my ministry. After some background research, I concluded the reviewer saw a single Facebook post from me she disagreed with and decided I was bad news. (Oh, and my book is based on blog posts, but expanded and edited. Just so you know.)

It’s possible to lift out something I said, reframe it, and mischaracterize who I am and what I stand for.

What would I say differently?

When I started blogging, I was mostly trying to encourage wives to prioritize physical intimacy, increase their sexual knowledge and confidence, and enjoy the experience. My personal conversations had largely been with lower desire wives who had either liked sex before but let it fall by the wayside or who had struggled with embracing sexual delights due to “good girl syndrome.”

Among the things I was off about:

• I emphasized the need to keep sex going in marriage without always addressing some good reasons for it not happening.
• I focused on sex tips and techniques at times in a way that perhaps minimized theology and relationship.
• I used lighthearted terminology when more serious and compassionate language might have been better.

And I’m sure there’s plenty else.

May I have some mercy?

It’s easy to read or see something and become outraged. I do it too! But most of the time, I try to step back and ask why I’m getting so riled up. Is what I saw really that bad, or am I blowing it out of proportion? Did I read it accurately or add something based on my own experience or biases? Does the person have bad motives or did they just get something wrong?

Also, what if everyone treated my wrong, bad, or oops stuff the same way I treat theirs? Would I survive the same kind of scrutiny I give others?

Sometimes I have to remind myself that Jesus said, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:2). And later, He shared a parable with the moral being: “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?” (Matthew 18:33).

May I simply ask for your mercy too? And for you to help me out? If you read something here or elsewhere that seems uncharacteristic of my ministry or that seems harmful to you, reach out and ask me about it. Give me a chance to clarify or reword.

In fact, extend that mercy to others when and where you can. Ask bloggers privately and/or directly rather than lambasting them publicly.

With so many words written, we’re bound to get some wrong. Please help us improve our message and ministry.

The post Blogging About Sex: I’d Say It Differently Now appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

What do you call the 1977 movie about Luke Skywalker? My husband and I, a Baby Boomer and a Gen Xer, call it Star Wars, while our Gen Z sons call it A New Hope. Somehow, between the film’s release and the vast expansion of the Star Wars franchise, it got renamed.

Honestly, 2020 for me, and for many others, felt like Star Wars, with planetary-level destruction, personal heartache, and challenges to our physical and/or emotional survival. But maybe we should reframe it and rename it. Maybe we should think more about how difficult times can be defined by A New Hope. Sure, you don’t know how it will all work out, but even a Death Star is surmountable with fresh skills, fresh allies, and fresh hope.

(Can you tell we watched The Mandalorian over the holidays?)

What are your challenges?

There’s a scene in the second Star Wars movie, The Empire Strikes Back (we can all agree about that title!), in which Han Solo decides to enter an asteroid field to escape an enemy attack. It begins with Han saying, “I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one” and ends with the C-3PO droid giving him the statistical probability of surviving an asteroid field and Han answering, “Never tell me the odds!” Spoiler alert: They survive. (Sorry, but if you didn’t know that, where have you been for the last 40 years?)

Han Solo doesn’t know how they’ll go from under threat to surviving and thriving, but he does know the challenges he faces: a ship on the fritz, enemy fire, and no easy path. In the short term, entering the asteroid field makes things seem more dire, but it’s the best way through. And he believes enough in himself, his ship, and his crew to give it his very best shot.

What are your challenges? Personally and relationally?

• Did your sexual intimacy simply get off track in 2020?
• Are there physiological reasons why sex isn’t what it could and should be?
• Have you struggled with personal issues, grief, or baggage?
• Is your marriage experiencing conflict, tension, or distance?

You may not know how you’ll get to surviving and thriving, but the first step is taking stock of what your challenges are. Then you can find the right path and know that, even if that path is a difficult journey, it’s worth your best shot.

Where is your hope?

When Luke Skywalker first meets Obi-Wan Kenobi, he brings the droid R2-D2 with a message from Princess Leia Organa. Leia outlines a request and finishes with “You’re my only hope.”

Whether you’re just hoping next year is an even better year of sex for you and your spouse, or you’re hoping to resurrect a seemingly dead sex life in your marriage, or somewhere in between, where is your hope?

Go search for “hope” in your Bible, and you’ll see that the correct answer is not a something but a someone. Princess Leia also placed her hope in someone, but our someone is far greater than a legendary Jedi like Kenobi—He is Christ the Lord. That’s the theology, but what’s the practical takeaway?

Well, I see a lot of couples looking for hope with a new product, a fix-it system, a one-and-done marriage course, or a begging-God-for-it conversion of their spouse on the issue of sexuality. Believe me, I wish I could give y’all the 10 Surefire Steps to the Sex Life You and Your Marriage Deserve! Actually, that’s a good subtitle for a book. Unfortunately, I’d need to remove the word surefire, because there are no guarantees.

Look, I’m a huge fan of marriage education, insight, encouragement, and products that do all of that. They have helped me in my marriage and many others. But when someone tells me something I wrote or said made the difference in their marriage, I’m a bit baffled. It wasn’t what I wrote or said—it’s what the couple did with the information they encountered.

And all of that important change and renewed love comes back to the foundation of God Himself, where all hope resides. So start by asking yourself: Which do I want more—sex according to my desires or God working through me to love my spouse?

Answering that correctly—putting your hope where it should lie and living that out—will go a long way toward getting that sex life you both deserve.

How can I help?

“You must unlearn what you have learned,” Master Yoda says in The Empire Strikes Back. To embrace God’s design for sex in marriage, we all have bad ideas and habits and selfishness we have to unlearn and replace with new and better practices.

My goal is to share everything I possibly can to help the sexual intimacy in your marriage thrive in a way that strengthens you individually and together. To be your Christian Sex Yoda. (Okay, that sounds a little creepy, but you know what I’m trying to say! ~smile~)

Let me pull out some key features of that goal:

Sharing what I know

My avenues for sharing hope and help are through writing, podcasting, and speaking. I will be focused on providing both free and paid resources within those areas.

Doing what’s possible

Like everyone else, I have limited time, knowledge, and resources. I’m owning that upfront and planning to do only what I can, while believing wholeheartedly that I’m only one small part of God’s plan that involves many other wonderful marriage ministers.

One upshot of that is, as much as I’d like to blog daily or podcast weekly, it’s not happening. I’m aiming for twice a week here with summer and winter breaks and will maintain biweekly podcasts with Sex Chat and Knowing Her Sexually. Within those boundaries, I can follow Yoda’s other advice: “Do or Do Not. There is no try.”

Concentrating on sexual intimacy

I recently asked a question on my Facebook page about how broad my ministry should go, and the answers I received felt like God’s Spirit speaking through the wise counsel of friends. While I personally have opinions on broader cultural and theological issues, my calling is to keep my eyes and ministry firmly fixed on godly sex in marriage.

Helping both individuals and couples

Do I minister to wives? Or husbands? Or couples? I’ve wavered on this in the last 10 years, but the answer is: yes. Some of my resources are aimed at wives (e.g., Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, Higher Drive Wife community, and Intimacy Revealed book), while others are aimed at husbands (Knowing Her Sexually Community and podcast), and even others for couples (blog, Pillow Talk book, Sex Seminar).

But also, as much as I’m a believer in the blessing that marriage and sex in marriage can be, I agree 100% with Gary Thomas’s post in which he said: “If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.” And that’s also true if that marriage destroys a man. Thomas was talking about clear abuse, and his post is well worth reading. My reason for restating his words is that I want it clear that I first and foremost value the people God made.

I believe so much in marriage because I think it’s a blessing to people to be have a life partner, to experience love and joy with another, to be challenged and grow as “iron sharpens iron,” and to form the foundation of family for the sake of children and community. The intimate act of sex between husband and wife supports all of that as well.

If none of that describes your marriage, your issue is not sex. Not even close. Go find the help and hope you need.

Most of what I write assumes both spouses at least want a good marriage, and from that place, you can spark or spice up your sexual intimacy. Even if you don’t exactly know how just yet. But we’re here together—with new and renewed hope. Let’s make our marriages better than ever in the coming year and beyond.

The post New Year, New Hope for Marriage and Beyond appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

The first four principles from last week’s post are:

1. Sex is for both of you.
2. God created sex for more than reproduction.
3. Sex is not just a transaction.
4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.

Let’s address the remaining three.

5. Even within marriage, there are some limits.

“Anything Goes” is a song written by Cole Porter, not a verse written by the Holy Spirit. And yet, that is the attitude of a few Christian bloggers—that once married, you can do anything and everything. As if the words “I do” mean “I do any kinky, crazy thing I want.”

One specific blogger used Hebrews 13:4 as his proof text that all activities were equally fine once married. In the New King James Version, it reads, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Thus, the blogger interpreted that the marriage bed is undefiled no matter what happens.

But that’s not what the verse is saying! A better translation would be any of the following:

• Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
• Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (ESV)
• Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. (NLT)
• Let marriage be honorable in all, and the marriage bed undefiled; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers. (BLB)

Hebrews 13:4 isn’t about green-lighting every kinky idea you’ve ever had, but rather keeping the marriage bed pure by avoiding adultery and sexual immorality. Plus, we have to consider how the rest of the Bible commands us to treat one another in marriage—and that doesn’t involve using our spouse as our personal sex toy.

Which brings me to another fallacy: that if God didn’t specifically ban an act, it’s automatically honky-dory.

Certainly the Church has at times banned or belittled a sexual practice that is perfectly fine. And we should not place undue burdens on believers, as the Pharisees did. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).

But later in that chapter, Paul also points out: “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love” (5:13). We should follow God’s direct commands but also apply godly principles to determine what can be on our bedroom menu and what should be left off.

We should follow God's direct commands but also apply godly principles to determine what can be on our bedroom menu and what should be left off. @hotholyhumorous
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1 Corinthians 10:23-24 puts it this way: “‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say—but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.”

Faithful Christians can argue about where the boundaries are, but the idea that there are boundaries should be no-brainer.

6. Porn and erotica are bad.

Here’s another should-be-obvious point, but it’s apparently not. Because I’ve read plenty of excuses for engaging with porn or erotica—everything from “it doesn’t hurt anyone” to “we learn from it” to “it helps us get aroused for each other.” And then there’s the standby claims that porn is a reasonable substitute when a spouse won’t provide sex or that erotica is okay because no actual persons are involved.

If you want to know what I think about porn and erotica, you can head to any of these:

• 5 Reasons to Stop Using Porn…Now
• Why I Haven’t Talked About 50 Shades
• It’s True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life
• Is Animated Porn a Problem?
• 50 Shades of Here-We-Go-Again

But the summary is that they’re bad for your soul and your marriage. They move focus away from your spouse and onto others; they prioritize the physicality of sex above any other aspect; and they normalize fringe activities and searching for that next high.

There’s the storytelling subgenre oddly titled “Christian erotica.” All that means is that it has the same purpose and effect as other erotica, but the characters are married. C’mon! Are we really that gullible? Is it somehow okay to involve others in your exclusive, one-flesh bedroom if they’re married too? Think through that logic, and you’ll find it’s not logical at all.

In addition, porn involves real people who get hurt. Do not cite their willingness, the pay they receive, or “amateur porn” unless and until you have fully researched porn’s high prevalence of abuse, sexually transmitted infections, and sex trafficking. And just because that girl looks twenty-one doesn’t mean she is.

Whether you want to call porn and erotica sin or not—and I believe it is—it’s definitely unwise. Just ask all the couples who had their marriages wrecked by it. Ask couples who had to walk the journey of rebuilding their intimacy. Even ask non-Christian experts who researched the subject thoroughly (An Open Letter on Porn, The Gottman Institute). And if you’re in a sexless marriage, engaging in porn or erotica will worsen an already difficult situation.

7. The Bible is not your bludgeon.

Last, but not least, could we please stay away from sites that recommend using a Bible passage as your personal bludgeon against your spouse?

The Word of God definitely has something to say about what sex should look like, as well as what we owe each other within marriage. But the Bible is God’s love letter to you—not His edict against your spouse. The primary goal of reading Bible passages should be applying them to our own sin-filled lives.

What then does one hope to gain by pulling out scriptures and hurling them at our spouse? Is it our defense mechanism? Are we lashing out to make our spouse feel pain like we’ve felt? Or do we simply expect our spouse to hurt so much they’ll change to avoid more of it? Even if that were to happen, how would that improve your overall intimacy?

Let’s take the most common infraction in the area of sex: using 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to demand your spouse give you sex. Wanna see how that makes this blogger feel?

I actually like that passage because it’s NOT about obligation but the priority and mutuality of sexual intimacy. But you have to understand its context.

At that time, some Christians in Corinth had proclaimed celibacy a holier state so spouses were trying to avoid sex to be more spiritual. Rather than agreeing, the apostle Paul reasserts that God wants married couples to make love regularly, that sex is a crucial part of marriage, that we should not deprive one another as if that is a higher form of obedience when God Himself created sex for marriage! Paul’s not offering spouses a bludgeon, but rather affirming God’s invitation for couples to enjoy sexual intimacy with gratitude not guilt.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Paul's not offering spouses a bludgeon, but rather affirming God's invitation for married couples to enjoy sexual intimacy with gratitude not guilt. @hotholyhumorous
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But let’s presume your spouse is completely wrong—on this or something else—and needs conviction by the Holy Spirit. You still don’t get to be the one to hammer down judgment. As Christ said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7, ESV).

What you can do instead includes:

• Pray for your spouse
• Communicate your feelings and concerns
• Ask about their feelings and concerns and give them real consideration
• Propose studying the Bible together
• Suggest marriage counseling
• Attend a marriage class or conference
• Work on yourself
• Set proper boundaries
• Continue to communicate and ask for what you want, with gentleness and love
• Involve others if persistent sin warrants (e.g., abuse, addiction, adultery)
• Keep praying

But please don’t use God’s words like Thor’s hammer on your spouse. No matter how right you may be in what is said, how you say it matters quite a lot to our Heavenly Father.

Have you seen problematic teaching on these points? What other principles are important for Christians to affirm?

The post 3 More Principles Christian Bloggers Should Affirm About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

While the overall message about sex from the Church has improved a lot in my lifetime, misconceptions and false teaching still circulate. I worry about spouses looking for answers who land on such pages. Will they recognize the errors or be misled?

In an effort to correct the record, let me set forth seven principles every Christian marriage blogger should affirm about sex. Today I’ll cover four of them and next week I’ll wrap up with the other three principles.

1. Sex is for both of you.

Through the years, too many Christian-based resources have acted like God created romance for women and sex for men. Excuse me, but there is zero evidence of this perspective in God’s Word. God created sex to benefit and delight both husband and wife. And romance is for both of them too!

Just look at these verses:

• “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8).
• “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10).
• “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
• “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1).

God intends for two people to be willingly involved in sexual intimacy. Sex is not just for men. It’s for women too.

If we don’t understand that important truth, we may:

• Overlook her unique sexual response, making male sexuality the standard
• Define a man’s sex drive as “too much”
• Fail to recognize intimacy obstacles as solvable
• Ignore the reality of marriages with a higher desire wife
• Excuse pressuring and demands from a higher drive husband
• Deny both spouses the delight of mutual physical intimacy

Let’s get this one right: God created them male and female, and He wants both to be sexually satisfied in marriage.

2. God created sex for more than reproduction.

Too many Christians historically believed that sex was just for the sake of having babies.

But if sex’s sole purpose is reproduction, does it matter whether you enjoy it? In fact, isn’t it better to do other things with your time when no baby is possible? Could sex simply be a necessary evil for the sake of breeding and/or a temporary surrender to the flesh?

While all this was happening, I imagine God up in Heaven like this:

Today, Christian theologians and leaders rarely argue that sex is only for having children. But many husbands and wives report that their spouse checked out after the children arrived or reached adulthood. And I’ve seen tacit support for this idea on a few Christian blogs.

While it’s incredible that connecting our body parts has the potential to create life, the Bible teaches that sex in marriage goes beyond reproduction. God designed it to bring pleasure and intimacy as well. Consider Proverbs 5:19: “A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Ever sounds to me like past those childbearing years. And the entire book of Song of Songs celebrates marital intimacy without once mentioning children.

God’s design of our biology also displays His intention—with the health benefits of regular sexual intimacy, the presence of a woman’s clitoris (serving no reproductive purpose but providing ample pleasure), and the release of Oxytocin, a “bonding chemical,” during lovemaking. Research also shows that couples who engage in ongoing sexual intimacy are closer and happier.

3. Sex is not just a transaction.

It may seem obvious that God did not intend sex to be merely transactional, but plenty of statements suggest the opposite. Well-meaning Christian bloggers (and authors and speakers) may identify sex as something one spouse wants while the other spouse wants a different thing and then propose negotiating a trade.

Thus, sex becomes—dare I say it these days?—a quid pro quo. (Whatever your politics, I hope you laughed at that joke and don’t write me hate mail.) In case you still don’t know what quid pro quo means, it’s a Latin phrase meaning “this for that.” It’s like the saying, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

There’s subtlety here. Because we might negotiate frequency, suggest taking turns with sexual pleasures or climax, or tend to our spouse’s emotional needs knowing all along that makes them more likely to attend to ours. But those aren’t in the same vein as “You do X, and I do Y, and we’re done.”

Sex should not be something a spouse does only to get some unrelated goodie from it. God designed sex to have goodies for both husband and wife!

Do things for each other because that’s what Christ-like love looks like! But don’t look at sex—or other good things in marriage like affection and communication—as trading chips in the game of marriage. You both deserve better.

4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.

For the love of all that is holy, if I read one more Christian blogger suggesting you have every right to demand, pressure, or even force your wife to have sex with you…

No, I did not say “force your husband,” because oddly, I’ve never read that. (I’m sure it’s out there, but I haven’t read it.) I have, however, read several articles written by both men and women with notions like “there’s no such thing as marital rape.” Oh hogwash!

But, you say, doesn’t my spouse owe me sex? Hey, I’ll be first in line to say that marriage should, if at all possible, include sexual intimacy! That’s how God intended marriage to roll.

But hopefully, you’ve read the rest of the Bible in which God makes it eminently clear that His people should not demand their rights or ignore the feelings and value of another person. Hopefully, you’ve read about Christ’s sacrifice and humility, providing us the example we should follow. And maybe we should all camp out on this passage for a while: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8).

Now I’m not talking about communication, confrontation, or nudging, which are all reasonable at various times in marriage. I’m talking about abuse, force, or persistent pressure.

Even from a practical standpoint, those are terrible ideas. Think of times in adulthood you’ve been forced or pressured to do something. Did it make you more excited about the event or less likely to enjoy it? Of course others can pressure us to do things we’re later glad for, but most times we walk away with resentment and a desire not to repeat the experience. Do you really want your spouse to feel that way about sex with you?

Stay tuned next time for three more principles all Christian bloggers, and Christians generally, should affirm about sex.

Have you seen any of these false teachings about sex? How have they affected your marriage’s sexual intimacy?

Note: This isn’t about airing out particular websites or bashing individuals. Let’s remain Christian in how we treat others, including our enemies.

The post 4 Principles Christian Bloggers Should Affirm About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Don’t worry—I’m not quitting marriage ministry! Hot, Holy & Humorous will be here for a looooong time, if I have anything to say about it.

But here’s what I mean. Burnout is defined as “exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration” (Merriam-Webster). And I do lack emotional strength or motivation sometimes, because I get stressed or frustrated with some of what I hear out there about sex in marriage!

So today, since I owe y’all a post anyway, I’m going to lay it all out there and tell you what gets me burned out on marriage ministry.

Gender Bashing.

There’s always been gender bashing—men complaining about women, women complaining about men. We don’t totally understand each other, and yet we have to live together. So like siblings, we find it easy to blame and complain about the other.

To be fair, I’ve sighed or rolled my eyes about such things as “man flu.” But always in jest and with a sense that we gals have our own stuff too. But the humorous point out of differences is not what I’m talking about.

Example of such humor:

Rather, real gender bashing seems to have ramped up lately, particularly in Christian circles! Either all the problems of the world are the patriarchy or they fall at the feet of those nasty feminists. Good gravy, y’all! Have you not heard that evil was here on earth before man and woman were in conflict? Satan slipped into that garden in the form of a serpent (literally or figuratively, take your pick) and tempted humankind to sin.

Of course there are men who promote the patriarchy and angry feminists who attack men, but the vast majority of men and women around you aren’t them. So stop falling for the manosphere’s and angry-feminists’ hoopla and look at what God says. No, no, not that one verse they pulled out to support their position, but the whole of God’s Word. What does God say? ” In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

Stop the gender bashing already. We need to learn to live with these other people with the kindness and respect humans made in God’s image deserve.

Stop the gender bashing already. We need to learn to live with these other people with the kindness and respect humans made in God's image deserve. @hotholyhumorous
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Martyrdom.

This is my tell it like it is post, so I’m just going to say it: Some of you are more invested in being a martyr than making your marriage better. If you’ve been complaining about the same thing over and over and over, and nothing ever changes, you might be a martyr.

I’ve witnessed caring, support, terrific advice, and action items given to someone struggling with the sexual intimacy in their marriage and that person rebuffing all or nearly all of it. They usually give reasons why all that won’t work with their scenario, but at the end of the day, that’s often bunk. They just don’t want to do the right thing or the hard thing to make the situation better. (Admittedly, now and then, leaving the marriage is the best decision, and that’s an incredibly tough choice.)

Ask yourself what you really want when you come to a blog like mine. Do you want ideas to make things better? Or do you secretly wish someone would tell you that you’re right, that you’ve been sorely mistreated, that have every right to be angry? And you may be correct, but what has that gotten you?

If you’re steeped in resentment and bitterness about where your marriage or the sex in your marriage is, write down ten things you’ve tried to do about it. Put the paper away, come back in a few days, and read the list. Be honest: Are all the things basically the same thing? For instance, talking to her, pointing out Scripture, over and over. Did you give those efforts long enough to work? Even if it’s 90% of your spouse’s fault, do you listen to advice on where you need to change?

Hedonism.

I hedged on what to call this category, but I think it’s accurate, since hedonism is the belief that pleasure and the pursuit of happiness are the highest goal in life. Now apply that to the marriage bed, and you get what I hear and see: Spouses and couples chasing the sexual high.

Look, I’ve written extensively about how to make sex more pleasurable and exciting. I’ve got lots of tips here and in my books for spicing up your sex life! But at the core of everything I say is God’s design for intimacy between husband and wife.

Yet that doesn’t seem to be the goal for an increasing number of Christians anymore, or even some Christian sex authors frankly. Rather, you can find information on every kind of kink out there, with some Christian saying it’s the thing that will make your marriage bed sing! Whether it’s:

• anal sex (a risky practice that has increased in frequency with the use of porn and erotica)
• sex toys that mimic body parts (I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard from that want or use a dildo, but would they be as excited if their husband wanted to use a vaginal sleeve?)
• BDSM (bondage/discipline-domination/submission-sadism/masochism)
• exhibitionism (having sex in public, or sharing the specifics of your sex life with others, as if you’re aroused at the thought of others reading it)

Or some other fringe practice. We need to be careful not to put pleasure ahead of all other considerations. God calls us to treat our bodies and others with honor, gentleness, and kindness. Pleasure is absolutely good in the marriage bed, but it must remain in the context of agape love and covenant intimacy.

Pleasure is absolutely good in the marriage bed, but it must remain in the context of agape love and covenant intimacy. @hotholyhumorous
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Argumentativeness.

I like debate. Raised by a father who enjoyed the back-and-forth of ideas, I was the child who took to it and remained at the dinner table with him to discuss deep topics and debate theological issues. I continued that practice with others in college and can recall many conversations, particularly with men, in which I verbally sparred over politics, religion, and philosophy. These discussions helped me hone my own viewpoint and sometimes changed my mind.

But what I like individually isn’t the same as what’s good for my ministry and my readers. All too often, I get comments or emails where someone takes me task for a statement I made or asks me a follow-up question on a particular, and while it’s an interesting idea and I might engage if we were sitting at a restaurant table over coffee, it’s not relevant to the primary point or what people need to hear.

Example: If I just spent 900 words explaining to wives that men are not pigs after all, and some dude comes on and leaves a comment arguing one point in a way that smacks of yeah, men are pigs, I’m not approving that comment! I feel bad sometimes about it, when they’ve written 900 words themselves and I know that took some time and effort, but this blog ain’t just about you! Nor is my email inbox or my Facebook page. It is about you, but not just about you.

If you want to debate something from my blog, ask whether your comment will be constructive and whether it’s primary or petty. And if you’re just going to argue no matter what, ask yourself if you wouldn’t rather use your time more productively. Because you’re exhausting the rest of us. Seriously.

Sales pitches.

I hemmed and hawed about including this one at all, because it’s my problem really. But it is causing me some burnout moments, so here we go.

I hate selling you stuff. I mean, I love offering you fantastic resources, telling you about my books and podcast webinars, encouraging you to use what’s available to improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage! But I hate selling. I always end up feeling like “Professor” Harold Hill from The Music Man or a snake oil salesman, even though my products are definitely not snake oil.

But the reality is that people don’t buy a product or service unless they’re convinced they should get it. And that convincing—which can be called marketing or selling, depending on how it happens—is increasingly a huge part of being an author and speaker.

Blatant sales pitch below!

Truth is, I make very little money from what I do. I’ve joked about it before, but I honestly would be better off working as a toll booth operator. And I’ve heard all the encouragement about how one should be in ministry and/or the creative arts for other rewards. But no one tells the surgeon who saves lives that should be enough; they get a paycheck. (And no, I’m not comparing what I do to surgeons who save lives! That would be preposterous. I was simply going for the most exaggerated version and showing they get paid too.)

So my burnout conundrum is always: How can get people to buy my resources, which I believe in 100%, without constantly doing sales pitches? A close corollary would be: How can I make enough money to continue doing this ministry, when my family needs me to bring in a higher and more consistent income? I don’t know the answer, but if you have ideas, I’m willing to listen.

The other thing that’s burned me out is my own schedule, but that’s on me. I’ve had an unusual year, with my older son getting married, releasing four books (only one with HHH), and 19 trips on my calendar. Don’t feel too bad for me, though, because one of those trips is an upcoming Caribbean cruise in November that I got for a steal! Still, it’s all sapped my energy somewhat.

Fair is fair. Are you feeling burned out? What’s sapping your energy?

The post 5 Things that Burn Me Out on Marriage Ministry appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.