It’s been a while since I had a guest poster on here, but this one is well worth it! Dr. Corey Allan is a marriage and family therapist who’s worked with couples and addressed godly sex for a long time. You may recognize him from the Sexy Marriage Radio show/podcast where he’s been cohost for 16 years! Feel free to check my episodes with Corey on higher desire wives here and here later, but first here’s his wonderful post aimed at wives about how going along to get along may not be your best choice.

Take it way, Dr. Allan!

I want to talk to the woman who said “it’s fine” last night when it wasn’t.

Maybe it was about sex. Maybe it was about something else entirely — the plans he made without asking, the comment that landed wrong, the way he scrolled through his phone while you were mid-sentence. Whatever it was, you felt something rise in your chest. A flash of hurt. A flicker of anger. And then, almost instantly, you made a decision.

Let it go. Don’t make it a thing. Keep the peace.

You’ve made that decision a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time, something small inside you goes quiet. Not peaceful. Just… quiet.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’ve been counseling couples for over two decades. And I need to tell you something that might be hard to hear: that silence is costing you far more than the argument ever would.*

*Quick note from J that I know Corey would agree with: if you fear that you’ll experience abuse if you speak up, please get help. That isn’t the situation for most of you reading, but for those few, it’s important to mention.

The Deal You Didn’t Know You Made

In my practice, I see a pattern so common it could be its own diagnosis. I call it mutual toleration — the unspoken agreement between two spouses to tolerate what they don’t respect in each other so neither one has to confront what they don’t respect in themselves.

It looks like peace. It feels like maturity. From the outside, people might even say you have a great marriage because you never seem to fight.

But underneath the calm surface, something is slowly dying. Your vitality. Your desire. Your sense of self.

Mutual toleration is a trade: I won’t bring up how you hurt me if you don’t bring up how I hurt you. I’ll manage your weaknesses if you manage mine. We’ll both pretend this is working.

The result? Low conflict, low connection, and a bedroom that feels more like a business arrangement than an intimate space. Therapist Terry Real calls this “stable misery.” I’ve seen it in hundreds of marriages, and it almost always starts the same way — with a woman (or a man, but in my experience it’s often the wife) deciding that the cost of speaking up is higher than the cost of staying silent.

It’s not. The math just feels that way.

Why You Keep Quiet (And Why It’s Not What You Think)

Most of us don’t swallow our truth because we’re doormats. We do it because we’re scared.

Here’s what’s actually happening: when something occurs in your marriage that feels like a criticism, a dismissal, or a threat — even a small one — your nervous system kicks into gear. You get a surge of anxiety, and you have about three seconds to choose: stay present and deal with it, or find an exit.

Most of us take the exit. And we’ve gotten remarkably creative about it.

Maybe you smooth things over with a cheerful tone that doesn’t match what you’re feeling. Maybe you redirect the conversation so you don’t have to sit in the discomfort. Maybe you tell yourself you’re “choosing your battles wisely” when the truth is you’re just afraid of what happens if you actually engage.

These aren’t character flaws. They’re protection strategies. Your brain learned a long time ago — maybe in childhood, maybe in a previous relationship, maybe in the early years of your marriage — that certain emotions aren’t safe to express. So you developed ways to manage the people around you instead of managing yourself.

The problem is, every time you take that exit, you teach your spouse (and yourself) that your real feelings don’t have a place in this relationship. Over time, you stop feeling safe enough to want what you want, say what you mean, or show up as who you actually are.

And if you can’t show up as who you actually are, desire — the real, embodied, I-want-you kind — doesn’t stand a chance.

The Mirror You Don’t Want to Look In

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable. I want you to try something.

Read the following paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 slowly. I’ve broken it into single lines for a reason.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not proud.
Love does not dishonor others.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Now replace “love” with your first name. Read it again.

How’d you score?

I take this test periodically. I land between six and ten out of sixteen, which tells me I’ve still got work to do. And I’m a professional who teaches this material for a living.

The point isn’t to shame you. The point is to show you what you already know: nobody aces this test but Jesus. And without him, the kind of love described here — the honest, enduring, truth-rejoicing kind — is beyond what we can manufacture on our own.

But here’s what matters for your marriage right now: several of those descriptors are impossible to live out if you’re keeping the peace instead of telling the truth. Love “rejoices with the truth.” Love “always protects” — including protecting your own integrity. Love “is not self-seeking” — but neither is it self-erasing.

Keeping the peace at the expense of your honesty isn’t love. It’s fear wearing love’s clothes.

What Courage Looks Like at 9 PM on a Tuesday

So what do you do instead? You go first.

Not first as in you escalate, attack, or deliver a lecture. First as in you tell one true thing. One honest sentence, said with warmth, that represents what you’re actually experiencing.

“I felt dismissed when you picked up your phone while I was talking.”

“I’m saying yes to you tonight, but I want you to know I need to feel pursued, not just available.”

“When you made that joke in front of our friends, it landed on something tender.”

“I’m not fine. I don’t know exactly what I need yet, but I wanted you to know that.”

That’s it. One sentence.

You don’t need to have the whole conversation figured out. You don’t need to present a case. You just need to stop pretending you don’t feel what you feel.

Will it be comfortable? No.

Your nervous system will scream at you to take it back, soften it, laugh it off. That scream is not the voice of wisdom. It’s the voice of a protection strategy that has outlived its usefulness.

Will your husband respond perfectly? Probably not.

He might get defensive. He might go quiet. He might not know what to do with what you just said. That’s okay. His reaction is his to manage. Yours is yours.

The goal isn’t a perfect conversation. The goal is staying real. Because every time you choose honesty over silence, you build a muscle — the muscle of showing up as your full self in your most important relationship. And that muscle is the foundation of everything: deeper trust, real connection, and the kind of desire that doesn’t have to be manufactured because it grows naturally in the presence of two honest people.

The Peace That’s Actually Worth Having

There’s a difference between the peace that comes from avoiding conflict and the peace that comes from resolving it. The first one feels easier. The second one costs more.

But the second one is the only kind that leads somewhere worth going.

Your marriage doesn’t need you to be quieter. It needs you to be braver. Not the dramatic, blow-up-the-relationship kind of brave. The Tuesday-night, one-honest-sentence, I’m-going-to-trust-that-this-marriage-can-hold-my-truth kind of brave.

Go first. It will cost you the comfort of silence.

It’s worth it.

Dr. Corey Allan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the host of Sexy Marriage Radio, and the author of the forthcoming book Go First: It Will Cost You. It’s Worth It.

For a free Healthy Marriage Mini-Course, visit tinyurl.com/smrcoursehhh.

The post What “Keeping the Peace” Is Actually Costing You appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Couples often struggle to discuss sex, or other issues in their marriage, because they approach communication differently. Today, I want to address a particular communication hang-up—the frustration many a husband has when his wife expects him to pick up on what she wants based on hints, clues, and open-ended questions.

Now I’ve have explained to wives why they should be more straightforward with the men in their lives, but I also think it’s helpful for husbands to hear from a woman that your wife isn’t trying to be difficult but rather behaving in a way that makes sense to her. Because men and women tend to send and receive messages in distinct ways.

A quick reminder: When we talk about how men and women tend to do something, it doesn’t mean you or your spouse fit the typical. Please use generalizations as a launching point for conversation with your mate. The question “Is this true for you?” can be especially helpful in figuring out how you each function and how you can better understand and support one another.

Here are some common male and female differences in communication.

Assertive vs. Polite

Have you heard of “nice girl syndrome”? It’s a real thing, believe me. If you are too straightforward or blunt as a woman, you get labeled a, well, a word that rhymes with “ditch.” And that’s about how you get treated too. Women socialize one another to be polite more than assertive, sweet more than strong, “nice” more than bold.

Growing up in the church, one of the verses I heard most was: “Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4). “Gentle and quiet” was often conveyed as “don’t speak your mind.” So having to say something straight out can actually feel like being too pushy, even unfeminine or ungodly.

Status vs. Connection

Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., linguist and author of You Just Don’t Understand Me: Women and Men in Conversation, has studied gender communication extensively, and she makes the point that men’s conversational rituals are often about exchanging information and negotiating status, while women’s conversations tend to be about building and maintaining relationships.

By our very nature, women’s goal in communication is to understand each other better. We often think that should be your goal too — so why aren’t you trying just as hard to figure us out as we try to figure you out? It’s not a shell game we’re playing; it’s a relational dance we learned while growing up and playing with other girls.

Direct vs. Indirect

One research study about communication differences in the workplace had participants identify strengths and weaknesses in one another. Women said that men were “overly blunt and direct,” while men said that women were “meandering—won’t get to the point.”

Okay, but if the point for her is to build relationships, then just cutting through all the red tape and saying, “I want X” feels like a cheat. To her, the conversation becomes transactional rather than relational. So there’s a reason she’s being indirect, because the point is, again, getting to know each other and showing you understand each other.

Us vs. Them

There’s a real debate in the research about whether women are better at detecting emotions than men. More studies have said yes, others have said no, but one interesting finding from two separate studies was that women read women better and men read men better.

Which means that sometimes we think we’re broadcasting an emotion that he should be able to get, because our girlfriends all see it. Sure, we should know better, but people instinctively do this — expect that how we view things is how others view them. What helps is to become aware of findings like this and recognize that you have to ask, clarify, and confirm your understanding with each other.

Straightforward vs. Subtle

Research has supported what many of us women have also experienced: we pick up on subtlety better than our male counterparts. While men and women are equal in identifying full-blown facial expressions, women are better able to recognize less intense expressions.

God may have hardwired this one, since many women consider this ability key to good mothering. As nurturers, we often need to look at our child and quickly determine what he or she needs. But that also means we can (erroneously) think you in turn can figure out our subtlety.

There you go—several common differences in how men and women communicate.

Of course, communication shouldn’t be all on her terms, or yours. But when we understand that these differences are kind of built into the system, we can at least give ourselves a break for not understanding each other right away and make the effort to put ourselves in one another’s shoes, or brains, as best we can. So that we can communicate well in marriage—whatever the topic.

Related Post: When Women and Men Struggle to Communicate

Sources

• Science Daily – Science Daily – Women Outperform Men When Identifying Emotions
• NY Daily News – NY Daily News – Men have harder time reading women’s emotions: study
• Deborah Tannen – Deborah Tannen – gender specific language rituals
• Forbes – Forbes – Is Your Communication Style Dictated By Your Gender?
• Yes! Magazine – Yes! Magazine – Women Are Better At Expressing Emotions, Right? Why It’s Not That Simple
• PubMed.gov – PubMed.gov – Expression intensity, gender and facial emotion recognition: Women recognize only subtle facial emotions better than men

This article first appeared as a guest post on The Generous Husband as Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think) on June 5, 2018. It has been updated and edited for my readers.

The post When He Wants Straight Talk and She Wants—What DOES She Want? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before we jump into the topic, I want to remind you that I’m having a sale on three of my books right now. You can get signed paperbacks for ONLY $5 each, and that includes shipping. Make sure to order what you want before I run out!

Christmas is over, and the New Year looms. For some, that means setting new goals. Others disagree that January 1—”just a date on the calendar”—should prompt us to reconsider our plans. While I respect the naysayers’ take, I find this to be a good time to reassess where I’ve been and where I’m going.

Rather than come up with a long list of goals, however, I typically choose a single word to guide my year. And I’ve written about the one-word approach several times:

• Resolution Week: What’s Your “One Word” for Your Marriage?
• My One Word for 2022 (and What It Means for My Ministry)
• My One Word for 2023, and 8 Quick Tips for Finding Yours
• Our One (Sex) Word for 2025

Choosing a single word to guide you is a common approach, but there are plenty of others. Whether you use them at the New Year or another time, it can be helpful to set some goals for yourself and/or your marriage.

Goal-Setting Approaches

What are the options? Let’s look at a few.

SMART Goals. With this strategy, make however many goals you want but be sure they are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For instance, instead of jotting down, “I want our marriage to thrive,” write something like: “We will go on a date at least once every two weeks in 2026.” It’s specific, measurable, achievable (depending on your situation), relevant to having a thriving marriage, and time-bound—though one would hope you enjoy it so much, you continue the practice.

Start / Stop / Continue. Identify habits or projects to begin, to let go of, or to keep doing. I’ve done this with my work life and found it very helpful to assess where I am, what I want, what needs to give, and what is worth my ongoing effort.

Life Wheel. A life wheel is a chart that shows key life areas, and you make goals within each area. I personally like the 8 Dimensions of Wellness, with growth areas being physical, intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, occupational, financial, and environmental.

Vision Board. With a vision board, you collect images, words, or symbols to display what you hope to experience or cultivate in the year ahead. You can put them on an actual board, a One Note page, a sketch pad, or wherever you want. Your board might include a picture of someone jogging (if you want to exercise more), photos of faraway destinations (if you want to travel), examples of beautiful bedrooms (if you want to redecorate), a graphic of an open Bible (if you want to read more Scripture), and so on.

Color. I only recently heard about this one—people choosing a color to represent the tone you want for the year. Maybe that would work for you! Would you prefer a calm blue? A cheery yellow? A bold red? Or maybe something very specific like muted teal or apricot cream to get just the feel you want? You could also go with a full palette. (Check out this cool palette generator: Coolors.)

One Word. Choose a single word to guide your mindset, priorities, and decisions. Some words I’ve heard include health, focus, yes, peace, and surrender. You can find more tips and inspiration from One Word For 2026: How to Choose Yours (Plus 236 Ideas) — Sweet PlanIt.

Phrase or Motto. Instead of one word, select a short phrase to represent how you want to show up this coming year. Want examples? “Slow progress is still progress” can remind you to appreciate how far you’ve come and keep going. “Be faithful in the small things” can help you focus on everyday kindness and godliness. “Stay in the moment” might be exactly what some of you need to relax and enjoy time spent in nature, with children, or in the arms of your spouse. Plenty of mottos are out there, or you can make up your own.

Scripture. Find a Bible verse or passage to meditate on throughout the year and to guide you. There are so many possibilities! You might have one already in mind, look in your Bible for a verse/passage that really fits where you are now, or discover the right option with posts like Top 101 Encouraging Bible Verses to Inspire You | Bible Study Tools.

My One Word

As previously stated, choosing one word is my favorite approach, because it’s simple, broad, and flexible. That said, I actually changed my word a few months into 2025—from open to enough. Open was supposed to guide me to be more open to experiences, but I learned after some helpful sessions with a spiritual coach that what I really needed was to let go of feeling like I had to do All The Things. I needed to remember that sometimes I have done enough, that I am enough, and that when I’m not enough, it’s still okay because God is more than enough.

I embraced my one word so heartily that I got a bracelet with it and haven’t taken it off since I put it on. (Thank you, Etsy.)

Although I will take it off and replace it soon with my word for 2026: serve. Why serve? Because that’s the season I’m in. In the course of this past year, I have:

• Visited my aging, Alzheimer’s stricken mother several times (five hours away)—not sure how much longer she’ll be with us.
• Walked with a dear friend as she made the difficult, but well-warranted, decision to leave her marriage.
• Welcomed my son and his fiancée back to our no-longer-empty nest so they could return to college and avoid debt.
• Traveled to see my sister (three hours away) and sit at her bedside as she recovered from two serious strokes and an emergency brain surgery.

And in 2026, I’ll be caring for my husband for several weeks after a much-needed knee replacement surgery in January and then providing childcare from time to time after my first grandchild is born in February.

It’s a lot, y’all. And I’ve had moments of overwhelm. But then I remember: “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). No one’s asking me to be flogged and die on a cross but simply to be there for my loved ones in need. Not only can I do that, but I can do it with joy.

Though the one-word reminder helps.

What Season Are You In?

Whatever goal-setting approach you use, pause and ask what’s going on in your life? Where do you need to focus? What about your marriage and sexual intimacy? (You knew I’d get to that topic eventually!)

Do you need to invest more time in connection with one another? Better understand your sensuality? Address body image issues?

Do you need to say “enough!” to the mental load and emotional labor you’ve been carrying in your marriage? Set boundaries with your spouse regarding sexual frequency and repertoire? Finally break free from your porn and/or erotica habit?

Do you need to learn better communication skills? Speak each other’s love language more? Increase your sexual savvy?

Do you need to be okay with a lapse in the intimacy you’d love to have, because that’s where your life is right now? (God knows Spock and I haven’t had as much sex as we’d like in the last few months.) Do you need to cast a someday vision of what you want life to be like when you get through your current hardship?

Do you need to go to counseling? (I recommend Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network or Better Help.) Attend a marriage event? (Check out Intimate Covenant’s annual retreat.) Read a book together? (Faves include God, Sex, and Your Marriage by Juli Slattery; Secrets of Sex and Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn & Dr. Michael Sytsma; and, of course, my resources.) Take a marriage course? (Such as The Gottman Institute’s Art and Science of Love or Awesome Marriage’s Sex Course, in which I’m a contributor.)

Where are you now? Where do you want to be? And what’s the next step?

Choosing a word, a vision, a plan, etc. can clarify what you truly desire for your life, your marriage, your sexuality, and how to get there.

Are you a goal-setter? What goals do you have for yourself and your marriage in the New Year?

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

The post My One Word for 2026 & Other Ways to Set Goals appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

My email inbox has been flooded with messages about Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, and Giving Tuesday. I have refrained from sending y’all any of those. Even though my publisher and marketing experts wish I had! I simply want to treat you the way I’d want to be treated.

As Luke 6:31 says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” And I don’t like being pummeled with emails that could summarized as GIMME $$$! That said, I appreciate learning about resources that could help me. So how do I balance those two impulses?

Just Because

First, let me share resources I have little to nothing to do with—no contribution, personal attachment, affiliation, etc.—that can enhance many marriages.

• Authentic Intimacy. If you want to know who’s speaking about sexual intimacy in a godly, practical way, this is a great resource. Dr. Juli Slattery and her team take on various sex topics with biblical grounding and compassion that address the complicated circumstances many Christians face. I encourage you to check out their books and Juil’s podcast. (I know Juli, but we’re not close.)
• Gottman Institute. Drs. John and Julie Gottman founded a relationship institute that focuses on what really matters for marriages to make it in the long run. John’s book, cowritten with Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, was a groundbreaking resource for couples to kick out the bad habits destroying their connection and adopt new patterns to build better marriages. While I don’t agree with all of the Gottman Institute’s values, their research-based resources are valuable.
• Boundaries. A fair number of questions I receive from stressed spouses could be answered by reading a Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I started with the original, but Boundaries in Marriage might be the best resource for many husbands and wives to figure out when and how to draw some lines, stand up for that’s right and reasonable, and positively influence their spouse.

Affiliates I Believe In

Many times, I’ve been offered to promote products or services that would have made me more affiliate income, but I didn’t want to recommend them. I only send y’all to resources I’ve had a good experience with myself. With that in mind, here are a few of those.

• Married Dance. On their website, Married Dance invites visitors to “shop our carefully curated selection of sex toys for couples with confidence that your shopping experience is discreet and presented in a nudity-free, marriage-focused environment.” I really appreciate that marriage focus. Honestly, I don’t love every item on the site, but they carry quality brands, provide useful marital aids, and have top-notch customer service. If you’re looking for personal lubricant, sex toys, or supportive furniture/pillows, this is the place to go.
• Mentionables. Mentionables is a lingerie shop that has both sensual-classy and super-sexy items, all tastefully displayed. Their products can cost a little more, but they also wear well, meaning better value in the long run. Sizes range from XS to 3X.
• Everylove Intimates. This bimonthly date night subscription provides exclusive lingerie and sensual products delivered right to your home. I’ve been very impressed with how this is put together and the creativity of the intimate date nights.

My Inexpensive Options

For many of you, money is tight this year. (Maybe it is every year.) Yet, you want to do something a little extra for your spouse this Christmas that says, “I love being intimate with you.” Here are a few resources from my shop that convey that message.

• Marriage & Mistletoe Game ($2.99) — Spice up the holidays with an intimate board game! You and your spouse will enjoy unwrapping and savoring the gift of one another, as you follow the path to a mutual “win” in the bedroom.
• Christmas Gift Coupons for Him ($2.99) — Each Christmas-themed coupon features an affectionate or intimate activity and a companion scripture from Song of Songs. Perfect stocking stuffer for your husband that he can cash in any time of year!
• Christmas Gift Coupons for Her ($2.99) — Each Christmas-themed coupon features an affectionate or intimate activity and a companion scripture from Song of Songs. Perfect stocking stuffer for your wife that she can cash in any time of year!
• Just You and Me Christmas Gift Tags ($2.99) — Gift tags for those special gifts privately given between husband and wife! 10 to a page. 
• Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design (Signed) ($5.00), available in contiguous US — God does not shy away from the subject of sex. Hot, Holy, and Humorous gives candid advice for wives from a foundation of faith with a splash of humor.
• Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples (Signed) ($9.99, now $5.00), available in contiguous US — This full conversation guide book helps couples to better communicate about sex in marriage and to put into practice habits that enhance their intimacy.
• Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage (Signed) ($9.99, now $5.00), available in contiguous US — This devotional book helps wives better understand God’s design for sex and how to pursue healthy and holy sexuality. 
• Under the Mistletoe ($0.99) — Romantic holiday short story about a married couple.

My Latest Book

Published earlier this year, The Higher Desire Wife has been a passion project for me. But it hasn’t reached nearly enough wives! It was never my goal to make a lot of money with this book, but rather to get it into the hands of those women who would benefit from it.

If you are that higher wife, married to a higher desire wife, or know a higher desire wife, please consider getting this book. Only a handful of Christian resources exist for this group of wives, even though they represent about one-fourth of all marriages. I genuinely believe my book could help.

A husband always wants more sex than his wife, right? Many marriage resources make that assumption, but up to 25 percent of marriages have a higher desire wife! While these women are not alone, they may feel that way as standard sex advice doesn’t address their needs. They may even feel like there is something wrong with them or they should be ashamed of their high sex drive.

Author and speaker J. Parker has been there. In The Higher Desire Wife, she pairs extensive research and personal stories to help the higher desire wife nurture healthy and holy intimacy in her marriage. In these frank and compassionate pages, you’ll discover that you’re not alone and things can get better.

And be sure to check out our latest Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode with our annual gift guide! We feature items that enhance not only physical intimacy, but also intellectual/creative, emotional, and spiritual intimacy.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

The post Holiday Gifts I Truly Recommend for Your Marriage (No Pushy Sales Pitches Here) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

A wife recently reached out to me about her struggling marriage, and in the course of our back-and-forth, I made this observation:

Lack of safety may be the #1 reason marriages dissolve. It could be emotional safety. Physical safety. Financial safety. Whatever. But when you no longer feel safe with someone, intimacy is simply not possible.

Do You Feel Unsafe?

At times, we all feel a little unsafe. Most people have some nervousness about sharing private thoughts and feelings, becoming physically and sexually vulnerable, and relying on the other person in a relationship.

Plus, we have all experienced disappointment and hurt. Our past wounds can make us more skittish about trusting others. Some of that hurt might well have come from your spouse, because we are flawed humans and too often say or do something careless or rude. We may even lash out at our mate when our self-protection feels triggered.

Such typical caution is not what I’m what I’m talking about when I use the word “unsafe” regarding marriages in crisis or already severed.

Rather, it happens when a spouse demonstrates a pattern of cruelty, neglect, disrespect, and/or selfishness. They have disregarded your sense of safety, leaving you feeling alone and on edge.

Let’s Look at Real-Life Examples

What makes for that deep sense of being unsafe? Here are a few examples:

• He physically abused her, making her fear for her physical safety.
• He refused to work or couldn’t hold down a job, risking their financial safety.
• He viewed pornography or acted out with others, shattering her sexual safety.
• He belittled and insulted her, eroding her emotional safety.

I worded those as he did something to her, because women more often share their stories with me, but it could certainly go the other way. A husband might feel unsafe around his wife.

Can You Come Back?

Once one spouse feels unsafe, is the marriage over? Not necessarily. Plenty of marriages come back from the brink—moving from a lack of safety to genuine, sustained trust.  But it requires honesty, humility, sustained effort, and often outside help. That help might be from a couples’ therapist or simply one of you pursuing counseling on your own to shift the relationship dynamic.

Frankly, my husband and I never had a great couples’ therapy experience, but counseling on my own did wonders for my perspective and approach. Once I stopped messing up my part of things, my husband eventually changed what he was doing, and together we worked out a lot of our problems.

Others I know have had marvelous couples’ therapy experiences. And of course, some have changed their side of the relationship dynamic only to find their spouse unwilling to put forth any effort on their part.

Whether you can come back depends on your willingness to work hard and hurt more—as you work through difficult issues—to achieve true healing.

You Matter More Than Your Marriage

Some marriages absolutely should not continue because they involve the kind of oppression God consistently stood against! Isaiah 1:17 instructs us: “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.” 

If one or both spouses have been guilty of abuse, neglect, sexual betrayal, addiction, etc., they must take full responsibility for their actions and get help to overcome. And their mate should set healthy boundaries to encourage that (see Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend).

If the offending spouse repeatedly refuses to work on their issues, then you are not safe. And as I’ve discussed before on my site, some abusers can reform (“situational abusers”), and others will not (“characterological abusers”). If you’re married to an abusive spouse who does not own their problem and want to fix it, then get help and get out. As Ephesians 5:11 says, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

Marriage should not be sustained at the cost of one’s body, heart, and soul. Some emotional pain is normal in any relationship, and marriages in crisis usually experience greater emotional pain as they tear down the old and broken foundation to build a new one, but God doesn’t call us to suffer for no good reason. God created marriage to be between two equally valued partners, not for one to be the bully and the other to be their victim.

Take Stock of Your Safety

Do you feel unsafe in your marriage? Is it because of what your spouse has done? Or are you perhaps misreading your spouse or bringing your own baggage into your perceptions?

Is your spouse aware of how you feel? Are they acting with intention or maybe reacting to their own baggage, stress, personal flaws, etc.?

Have there been times in your relationship when you felt truly safe? If so, what made you feel that sense of security? And how could you foster that bond?

What outside help might you need to discover or regain safety in your marriage? Do you need to work on some issues individually to overcome sin or heal from past wounds?

Have you been oppressed or mistreated by your mate so much that you are truly unsafe and need to get out?

As you consider these questions, the best place to start is likely with prayer—asking God to give you wisdom and clarity. I’m saying a prayer for you too.

I write mostly about sex in marriage, but this topic has been on my mind for a while. If you want to know more about how these issues impact sexual intimacy, here are a few other posts to check out:

• What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?
• What I Hate About Sex
• What about the 3 A’s? Addiction, Adultery, and Abuse

And an episode of our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives:

• Episode 191: What Is Sexual Betrayal and How Can You Address It? – Sex Chat for Christian Wives

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