My blog is aimed at married couples, so I don’t typically write on subjects that would be more useful for singles. However, I received a great question I want to cover:

What verses in the Bible are the basis of teaching abstinence/ban on premarital sex? My wife and I both grew up in Christian homes and environments where that was taught. But now as adults with kids/grandkids, I’m beginning to wonder if we were simply obeying parents or basic Christianity.

Premarital sex is such a big issue that I’m going to cover it in three posts:

• Part 1 – What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?
• Part 2 – “But What About…?”: Challenges to the Church’s Ban on Premarital Sex
• Part 3 – How to Maintain Sexual Integrity Before & After Marriage

What We Were Taught

I was also raised in the Christian environment where it was a given that premarital sex was wrong. The primary message I received regarding sex was “Don’t.” Don’t do it. Don’t think about it. Don’t have feelings about it. Don’t, don’t, don’t.

Well, until marriage, and then you’re supposed to somehow flip a switch! To which, many spouses mutter right here, “As if.”

When I became sexually active, I began to seriously question that wisdom. At some point, I convinced myself that premarital sex was either not wrong or an unrealistic view. After all, the biblical age of marriage for women was between 13 and 17 years of age, and I’d remained chaste that long. Why was I expected to abstain for another 10 years or so? Wasn’t that at the very least an outdated expectation?

Let’s look at what the Bible actually says about the issue of sex before marriage.

What the Bible Says

First off, you won’t find a scripture that says straight out: “Thou shalt not have sex before marriage.” I’ve looked. It’s not there. Yet we have numerous reasons to believe that God intends sex to occur within marriage.

Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start):

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
    and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
    for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:22-24

Of course, there was no marriage ceremony for Adam and Eve with relatives and 200 guests in attendance. But God’s design is clear: The man and women leave their families of origin and unite in some way, and then sex happens.

From then on, the pattern essentially repeats:
A. Meet, court, and/or be arranged
B. Get married
C. Have sex
ABC, ABC … ABC. I could cover a lot more examples in the Old Testament, but let’s jump forward a bit.

In Ezekiel 16, God compares himself to a husband and Jerusalem to a wife. Here’s where you can see God’s view of sex and marriage.

Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.

Ezekiel 16:8

The woman is “old enough for love”—meaning that she is fully developed physically and thus of marriageable age—and what does the man do? He gives a solemn oath and enters into a covenant. Moreover, “uncovering nakedness” in the Bible is a reference to sexual sin, so “covered your naked body” is the opposite; that is, protecting her virtue.

Jesus also addressed this topic, not head-on but in a conversation about marriage and divorce. In Matthew 19:3-12, He’s approached by Pharisees wanting to test him, and they ask, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” Jesus answers that no one should separate what God has brought together and that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, is committing adultery. This isn’t the time for a deep dive on marriage and divorce passages; rather, look at what’s said next:

The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Matthew 19:10-11

The implication is that there two choices: faithful sex with your spouse (“between a husband and wife”) or no sex (“live like eunuchs”). Jesus makes no allowance for sex outside marriage.

Paul the apostle speaks to this expectation of sex within marriage as well.

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

1 Corinthians 7:2

and later…

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

1 Corinthians 7:8-9

The presumption is that if an unmarried woman wants to have sex, she should get married.

But—some argue—that was because a woman in that time could get pregnant and needed the physical and economic security of a husband.

First, the Bible has no problem in other places telling people to care for others they aren’t married to. God could have come up with another plan. But also, you don’t have to rely on this passage alone. There are more!

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

By the way, this is the passage that helped me heal and embrace God’s full forgiveness for my own promiscuous past. I am washed, sanctified, and justified through Christ—and if your history includes premarital sex, dear Christian, so are you.

However, did you notice that “sexually immoral” (Greek pornos) is distinct from “adulterers” (moichos)? This next passage makes the same distinction:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Hebrews 13:4

Pornos, translated as “sexually immoral,” is from the Greek root word porneia. Sounds familiar, right? Yes, that’s where we get our word pornography.

But while porneia is strictly defined as selling sex, in New Testament times, it had a broader definition that included various forbidden sexual practices, including sex outside marriage. (See this article for more.)

What Conclusions to Draw

The overwhelming message in the Bible is that we are to marry and then have sex.

Let’s not be surprised if this seems like a really hard teaching. We can say that’s because of our modern-day world, with all its sexuality and later ages of marriage, but the people Jesus addressed balked too. And He responded, “Not everyone can accept this word…” (Matthew 19:11).

Hey, some of what we’re called to do as Christians is difficult. We need God’s divine presence in our lives to make it happen. If you try to do it all in your own strength, you’ll either fail or wear yourself out.

Only a few verses later in Matthew 19, Jesus says, in response to a different question, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (26).

Next time, we’ll tackle exceptions to this sequence in the Bible and objections people raise. I suspect some of those will be in the comments to this post! But hang out with me, and I’ll get to them, as best I can, the next time around.

The final installment will be practical advice on maintaining sexual integrity—a phrase Ruth Buezis introduced to me that feels more accurate than “purity”—both before marriage and after, regardless of your past.

Related posts: Are You a Single Christian Man? Should You Be Faithful to Your Wife Before You Meet Her? – FAITHFUL MAN®

The post What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Teaching your children a biblical view of sexuality is important, and difficult. Parents know this! Just look at one recent, somewhat controversial example.

Christian music artist Matthew West put up and took down a music video, all in the course of a week. The song’s title was “Modest Is Hottest,” and while West intended it to be satire, that phrase is so loaded with baggage that he got understandable pushback.

After withdrawing the music video, here’s what West said:

When a reader asked me about the song, I responded with a Facebook post you can read here. But basically, I wasn’t inclined to bash a struggling dad for (what he thought was) a tongue-in-cheek song about modesty. What I’m inclined to do is use such opportunities to discuss what modesty really is—not how much skin is showing, but how you present your whole self humbly and faithfully in the world—and how we can teach our kids what we really want them to know.

Likewise, we can use many real-life situations to teach our teens about sex. What should we tell them?

Several years ago, I wrote a guest post I for another website years laying out what I wanted my then-teenagers to know about sexual integrity. Here are 10 things I tried to teach my sons about sex.

1. God created sex, so it’s good.

Sometimes in our quest to get across the message that sex before marriage is bad, we communicate that sex itself is bad. But it’s not. Sex according to God’s design is a wonderful thing—a beautiful gift—and I wanted my kids to have that foundational belief.

2. You can always talk to me about this topic.

One of my kids asked me a question about something mentioned at school, but prefaced that friends had warned him not to ask a parent because he might get in trouble. Thankfully, I’d made it clear my kids could ask me anything about this topic. It’s not taboo. God created sex, He talked about it (the good and the bad), and He put parents in charge of instructing kids. I tailored my answers to age and context and so on, but my door was open for tough topics. It’s part of the parent job.

(By the way, that question was about condoms. The friends had erroneous information, and because he asked, I got to provide better information, along with our biblical values.)

3. Pregnancy and STDs aren’t the only consequences for premarital sex or promiscuity.

These concerns get drilled into teens’ heads so much. Many believe the worst, or only, consequences of having sex before marriage or having multiple partners is unwanted pregnancy or contracting an STD.

Yes, kids, those things could happen, but the scars left on your heart, the disruption to your future marital happiness, the disobedience to God—these matter so much. They may be intangibles right now, but in time poor choices can wreak havoc on your life. So make the right choice.

(That said, God can redeem and wounds can heal. See #7.)

4. Birth control is not 100% effective.

Speaking of which, many expect to dodge an undesired pregnancy with birth control. Sure, we have some great contraceptive methods that couples have used successfully. But I could also sit down and make a list of couples I know who got pregnant while using contraception. If a birth control method is 99% effective, that means that 1 time out of 100, you’re on your own. So don’t rely on it, and only make love in the context that could properly support a child (aka marriage).

5. Sex is more than intercourse.

What constitutes sex? Is it merely intercourse? Is foreplay fair game? When I was a teen, the phrase “technical virgin” meant you’d done just about everything else, yet considered yourself a virgin because you hadn’t done “the deed.”

I look back and think how utterly stupid that perspective was! Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle. If you’re getting the least bit naked to do something with someone, welcome to the world of sex. Even purveyors of porn and erotica know this, so we really have no excuse. I wanted my kids to understand sex isn’t everything but, and that sex encompasses far more than intercourse.

(By the way, this is good news for future marriage. There could be times when intercourse is unavailable, but they won’t have to give up being intimate with their spouse!)

6. “How far is too far?” is the wrong question.

However, that’s the question youth workers hear again and again when the topic of sex is brought up with teens. Teens want to know where the line is—how far can they go without sinning or risking consequences. It’s basically, “What can I get away with?” Which is not the attitude God wants us to have toward Him or His gift of sexual intimacy.

Rather, we should ask, “How can I honor God when it comes to sexual intimacy?” Framing it that way, some of our nitpicking questions simply go away, and it becomes clearer what we should and shouldn’t do.

7. If you mess up, it’s not over.

Activities such as dabbling in online pornography, chatting promiscuously in a chat room, going much too far on a date, engaging in premarital sex—yes, they are bad, but they definitely don’t make the unforgiveable list.

Messing up doesn’t mean it’s all over… and you might as well give in, and God’s already mad at you so what’s the point, and you have to hide your ugly stuff or people will know how bad you really are, etc. No, no, no! If you fail at some point, God’s grace and healing can cover our sins and both He and your parents are here to help you get back on track.

8. The Bible has a lot to say about sexuality.

It’s easy for kids and teens, and plenty of us adults, to feel that a book written thousands of years ago has little bearing on our modern-day challenges. After all, where are the verses about sexting and 50 Shades of Grey and the hookup culture?

But the Bible is relevant. There are direct stories of sexual sin and sexual love, as well as many verses about guarding our hearts, measuring our actions, and honoring others. If God’s Word is true, it permeates every aspect of our life, including the bedroom. You can’t compartmentalize, believing that “loving your neighbor” has nothing to do with treating that girl or boy in your arms with respect. So if you want to know the real deal about how we should approach sexuality, read the Bible.

9. More sex happens in marriage than outside it.

One might think it’s the opposite based on media, entertainment, and conversations. But studies show that married couples are getting more, and more satisfying, sex. If kids think the sex well is going to dry up the second they say “I do,” they’ll buy into the sow my wild oats theory before marriage, or put off marriage for fear of their sex drive going unheeded.

But I love what one newlywed man told our youth group: “I’m having lots of sex now, and I never, ever think, ‘Man, I wish I’d had sex back in high school.'” It’s kind of like Christmas, kids: It takes a while to get here, but the gift you receive is worth the wait.

10. Your parents love each other—yes, even in the bedroom.

My kids were well aware that marriage includes sexual intimacy, because they saw it hinted at with their parents. Of course, they didn’t have details, because that aspect of our relationship is private. But they saw us flirt and display appropriate affection in front of them, and they knew the bedroom door got closed and locked at times.

They rolled their eyes at our hugs or kisses, but they also smiled. It’s reassuring to know our parents love each other and that marriage, even long-term, includes true passion.

Parents, if you want to help your children have a better shot at a healthy, holy view of sex, you have to be involved, use the opportunities you get, and be intentional about what principles you want to teach. I pray these 10 takeaways are a good place to start.

Above all, remember Relationship Before Rules. I first heard that from Jim Burns of Homeword, but I don’t know if it originated with him. The principle, however, is that being there with and for your kids goes a long way toward them trusting what you tell them. And when you reach the end of what you know, you can never go wrong by pointing them toward God and His Word. That relationship with their Heavenly Parent is the one we most want our teens to have.

The post Top 10 Things To Teach Teens About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

My parents had a terrible marriage.

This is not news, since their divorce is public record. But recently, I’ve been contemplating once again the example I grew up with. Let’s just say they didn’t set me up well to address issues in my own marriage.

You can probably relate. Some of you had functional families (yes, they exist!), with flaws of course. Some of you had problematic families that didn’t provide the support you should have received. And some of you had awful childhoods with emotional pain that bruised your tender heart in ways few people understand.

Regardless of your history, when you get married, you hope to create a healthy, intimate relationship with your spouse. But how has your family background affected your ability to achieve that worthy goal?

When you get married, you hope to create a healthy, intimate relationship with your spouse. But how has your family background affected your ability to achieve that worthy goal? via @hotholyhumorous
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What Did They Teach?

What did your parents tell you about marriage? About the opposite sex? About sexual intimacy? Can you still hear their words in your head? Many of us can. Others experienced deafening silence, their parents sharing little if anything, especially when it came to sex.

Your parents may have promoted bad ideas about marriage generally, or one’s ability to change, or how children will impact your marital happiness. Or just the opposite sex altogether.

Truly, if I had a dime for every wife who’d told me her mother said negative things about men, I’d be basking in the French Riviera right now with an umbrellaed drink in hand. Mind you, I believe we should caution our daughters about the small minority of men who harass and abuse. But I’m talking about general statements like: “Men are perverts.” “All men look at porn.” “If you don’t give him sex, he’ll get it somewhere else.” “Men are just big children.” What awful messages that set a wife up for believing the worst about her husband!

Even so, I often feel sympathy for those who taught their children poorly, because they may not have known better. Many well-meaning women, trying to fulfill their Titus 2:3-5 duty, instructed younger women to control sexual impulses before marriage and have duty sex after marriage, “because he needs it.” They weren’t trying to screw us up—they simply didn’t understand God’s design for sex!

But whether they were motivated by selfishness, resentment, or just plain ignorance, we may have received bad teaching from our parents. Mull over what you learned from them and ask, “What do I need to challenge and correct?”

“Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.” ~ Mark Twain

What Example Did They Set?

Philosopher Edmund Burke said, “Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other,” while Novelist James Baldwin said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

Your parents were imperfect people, so no matter how great they were, they didn’t model everything perfectly. But some of you had bad examples, perhaps because they were struggling so much with life themselves. And some of you had little to no example of marriage, with divorce and/or absentee parents.

Even if you decide firmly that you will break that mold, be honest: Didn’t you pick up some of their dysfunction? We can find ourselves behaving in ways they did—even when we disliked it so much ourselves or swore we wouldn’t be like that. We can also create problems by overreacting in our own marriage in an effort to avoid repeating our parents’ mistakes.

For example, my mother took care of my dad like Edith Bunker took care of Archie, constantly attending to his needs and wants. Because I did not want their marriage, early on in my marriage, I would get prickly about my husband asking me to perform basic courtesies like bringing him a drink from the kitchen while I was in there anyway. For much too long, I allowed my fear of following in my parents’ footsteps prevent me from speaking my husband’s love language (acts of service) and showing kindness to my beloved.

Ask yourself what example your parent(s) set and how that has benefited or hurt your marriage. If you didn’t have a good example from your parents on something, including sex intimacy, find another one. That’s part of why I’m here—to show that healthy, holy, and sizzling hot sexual intimacy can be found, even if you’ve failed in the past.

“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

What Change Do You Need to Make?

It’s one thing to know where the issues lie and another to change what needs to be changed. Recently, I’ve been going through my father’s old files, and it’s been disheartening to see how much information he collected about how to have a good relationship … that he didn’t put into practice for his own marriage.

Head knowledge is not heart knowledge. And even heart knowledge is not the same as commitment and active practice.

Head knowledge is not heart knowledge. And even heart knowledge is not the same as commitment and active practice. #marriage via @hotholyhumorous
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You may need to simply think through what teaching and modeling you received from your parents and adjust your attitudes. You may need to communicate with your spouse about your pasts and how those have contributed to current tension or conflict. You may need to actively adopt new practices that come habits over time, replacing the old, unproductive ways. You may need to seek professional help in the form of marriage therapy, personal counseling, or trauma treatment.

Your journey is unique. But all lasting change requires humility, resolve, and perseverance. If you don’t have those right now, pray for them, and then take your first steps.

What Example Are You Setting?

We married folks exert a lot of influence with our words and actions. We train our children with what we say and do as well. What example do they see in us?

If you panicked at that thought, don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be perfect! You can do this.

You don’t need to pretend everything’s okay or share sentiments you don’t believe; kids eventually see through pretenses anyway. But you can share foundational truths, admit where you’ve messed up and what you’ve learned, and demonstrate how to make difficult but worthwhile change.

Also let your kids see demonstrations of love toward your spouse. Be affectionate; tell stories about how you met, dated, vacationed, etc. (yes, even when they roll their eyes), reaffirm your marital commitment in front of them.

To equip you with better messages about marriage and sex, here are a few worthwhile reads:

• Talking to Your Kids about Sex: No More One & Done
• How to Talk to a Teen about Sex
• Top 10 Things I Want to Teach My Teens About Sex (guest post on To Love Honor & Vacuum)
• What Dads Teach Their Daughters about Intimacy
• The Dating Advice I Gave Teen Girls
• 5 Times You Teach Holy and Healthy Sex to Your Kids

Again, you can do this.

Not only did I have a poor model of marriage from my parents, my husband and I were poor models of marriage when our kids were young. However, neither of my sons remembers that time. They’ve had too many alternate experiences of parents who argue sometimes but love each other and are fully committed to the marriage.

Over time, we re-balanced the scales and changed the image of marriage for our sons. My older son even told me recently that, particularly in light of what he’s learned about our childhood pasts, his dad and I were “incredible parents.”

As we improve our own marriage and provide a positive model for our kids, we can take heart in this truth:

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

The post Were Your Parents Poor Models of Marriage? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Parents have a strong influence in how their children view their sexuality and establish their standards for sexual intimacy.
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And much of that influence is not overt, but rather what we model day by day. With that in mind, here are five times you teach holy and healthy sex to your kids.

1. When you show affection in front of your children.

Young children typically enjoy seeing their parents embrace and kiss, but older children can give us the impression they don’t like it very much. They might roll their eyes, squish up their face, or even say, “Yuck!” Perhaps we don’t want to embarrass them, or perhaps we’re uncomfortable being affectionate when they understand more about romantic relationships, but many couples stop showing much affection in front of their kids.

But even if it feels a little awkward or it causes a reaction from your kids, it’s healthy to show affection in front of them. Children need to know their parents are still committed, loving, and even a little sexy to one another. Flirting, holding hands, hugging, and mild kissing are all wonderful practices for them to see. And yes, it’s good for them to know those actions lead to more intimate encounters that they don’t witness. All of this assures them of their parents bond and the benefits of marriage.

2. When you pursue and protect time alone.

You need time away from your children as a couple. And that time shouldn’t only happen when they are unaware, such as when they’re asleep. Let your children know that Mom and Dad want and deserve time alone together, in the bedroom, without interruption.

Depending on their age, that could mean announcing that it’s Mommy and Daddy’s special time, or that it’s date night, or that you just want to be alone (which teens can decipher and don’t want to know more about). But make a point of letting your children see that a husband and wife pursue and protect alone time, because they enjoy being together in romantic and intimate ways.

3. When you answer their questions about sex.

Sometimes I receive the question, “When should I tell my kids about sex?” For a lot of parents, the answer is “whenever they ask” — to which I could add, “as many times as they ask.” Yes, I think you need to have a specific talk with your children describing the sexual act, but the vast majority of teaching throughout the years will be simply answering their questions.

Think about your own experience growing up: Didn’t you have questions about sex? Who did you go to for answers? My bet is that many of us parents would like our kids to come to us rather than the other options available. So when our children ask us about sex in any way, we need to be open to the conversation, willing to listen to their thoughts and concerns, and able to respond in a way that encourages a positive, God-honoring view of sexual intimacy.

4. When you protect them against predators.

When I was growing up, minors had to intentionally seek out porn; now they have to avoid it like a stream of dodge balls coming at them. And it’s not just pornography, but mature-rated shows on streaming sites and Google searches on unrelated topics. Then there are online chats and multi-player games where a predator could interact with your child. I’m not trying to scare you, but we should be aware of risks out there.

Consequently, our kids need us to be their protectors. This involves talking to them about what’s out there and how to make good decisions. Even young children can understand, “If something on the screen makes you uncomfortable, press this off button, then come and get me or Daddy.” You can talk to tweens and tweens more openly, asking them what they encounter and coaching them on how to handle it. And you can install internet filters on their computers to keep them from being targeted by adult sexual content.

By the way, you won’t have much moral authority on this one if your internal attitude is “I can look at the XXX stuff, but they can’t.” So if you are struggling with porn use or lust, you need to address that as well. Don’t hold off helping your kids while you work on this sin, but recognize that teens in particular are smarter than you think and, if you keep it up, will likely pick up on you being a hypocrite.

5. When you point them to what God says about sex.

I didn’t leave this point for last because it’s least important, but rather because I want to make sure it’s the last point you hear and process. Our goal with our children should always be teaching them about God’s design for sexuality. As the Creator of sex, what did He say it’s for, how does He talk about it in Scripture, and what does purity really mean? Why is God’s design better than the world’s teaching? And how can they have a great sexual relationship once they’re married?

When they’re young, these messages are as simple as celebrating the way God made their bodies—all of their bodies. As as they age and you answer their questions, bring God into that conversation, making sure they fully understand that sex was and is God’s idea. Demonstrate with your words and actions that sex in marriage is not simply physical, but also emotional and spiritual. Let them know that the Bible likens the marriage relationship to the intimacy God longs to have with us. We are a mirror of His love.

The Bible likens the #marriage relationship to the intimacy God longs to have with us. We are a mirror of His love.
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Our parental influence is far more than we think at times. This is no guarantee, because we each have free will, but let’s do what we can to set our kids up for a healthy and godly perspective of sex.

The post 5 Times You Teach Holy and Healthy Sex to Your Kids appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I met Rebecca Lemke when she contacted me about appearing on her podcast, The Scarlet Virgins. Her book about her experience in the Purity Culture shares the same name. And I was impressed with how she was speaking up about her experience, both the good and the bad.

We had a wonderful discussion, which will appear soon on her podcast. But in the meantime, I asked her to return the favor and talk to my audience about what she wished she had experienced instead.

This is great information for two reasons:

1. Even if you didn’t grow up in the Purity Culture, many churches embraced its underlying message in subtler ways, and you might need to rethink what it really means to be pure before God.
2. We married folk often have children, who should be our students when it comes to sex, and we should think through what messages will point our kids in the right direction.

I hope you’re entirely convinced now to read every word below, because I’m eagerly turning things over to Rebecca.

My husband and I are currently making our way through the book Making Chastity Sexy by Christine J. Gardner. A generous friend sent it to me because of my interest and extensive work on purity culture. This book has sparked some discussion between my husband and me about the way we would have liked sex and relationships to have been approached in our youth and some of the ways in which we hope we can approach these things with our son.

A point my husband made recently is that much of what we learned was through the Christian pop culture. Yes, there was a lot of in-your-face rhetoric with the purity rings and conferences and concerts, but the fear we learned was subtle in a lot of ways. It crept in on us more through the subtext within the culture and the way people acted than what was actually said.

Which, to be sure, was fear-mongering in many respects. At least in my case, where crushes were considered an emotional STD and therefore you were to marry your first one to avoid contaminating anyone else or yourself.

The number one thing I wish there had been more of is a culture of practicality surrounding sex. One point Gardner’s book makes is that sex was sold as a product, specifically amazing honeymoon sex, if you paid the price of waiting until you were married. A virgin body on your wedding night was made into a commodity to sell abstinence until marriage.

It seems abhorrent to me that information about precious gifts of God (our bodies, our sexuality, our marriages) was spun to produce an outcome rather than just giving us the facts and the Word of God. Why, on God’s green earth, was that not enough?

Instead of trying to make false promises and add to Scripture to up to ante to gain compliance, I wish the Powers That be would have spent time teaching us about how sex and marriage actually work.

Instead of trying to make false promises and add to Scripture to up to ante to gain compliance, I wish the Powers That Be would have spent time teaching us about how sex and marriage actually work. - Rebecca Lemke
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For example:

1. How our bodies work.

Things like hormonal changes, male and female reproductive systems, things that impact libido, what influences attraction, etc.

Purity culture has made sexuality this big bad thing that only becomes good the moment you say “I do.” Even going so far as to say noticing beauty is inherently sinful, which has caused problems for many people in the path of this idea. The body is bad, the spirit is good (amazing how tenacious old gnostic ideas are). Except when you get married, then somehow the body is magically good.

This kind of odd rhetoric combined with lack of any education on puberty, attraction, sex, etc. makes it easy to see sexuality as this conceptually blurry, overpowered bad guy. Appropriate information contextualizes sexuality so you know and believe it is a good thing. With this foundation, you also happen to understand why it is prudent and God-pleasing to exercise it in the proper place within marriage.

2. What healthy sexuality looks like.

Numerous men and women have contacted me since my book came out to tell me that, since being fed a diet of purity culture’s high expectations, they have been extremely disappointed with the realities of sex. This is an issue compounded by exposure to pornography, which is something many of these individuals have experienced as well (oftentimes as the result of an attempt at sexual self-repression that backfired).

Sex isn’t always wild and crazy. You don’t always break a bed frame or wake all the neighbors up. Sometimes pregnancy complications arise and pelvic rest is ordered. But to hear the talk at a purity event, you wouldn’t know this! The existence of this blog and others like it helps to combat this issue, but nothing can replace having practical expectations laid at the beginning.

My husband and I have made it a point to be an open book with our son so he doesn’t have to wonder or feel ashamed or scared about sex. We make it a point not to idolize sex or manipulate its importance in his mind by downplaying or overemphasizing its role in our lives.

Instead of growing up in a subtext and culture of fear and lack of knowledge, I wish we would have had the opportunity we are trying to afford our son, to be surrounded by stability, certainty, knowledge, and respect for sex within the context God created it to be.

Rebecca Lemke was a Good Christian Girl who wanted a Good Christian Husband and a Quiverfull of kids. The sort of blessed, picturesque life promised to people who followed The Rules.

The Scarlet Virgins is a memoir of Rebecca’s journey through the ramifications of spiritual abuse and purity culture, wrestling with the temptation of apostasy, the descent of herself and others into the depths of addiction, alcoholism, anorexia, depression, self-harm, and suicide. She outlines the dangers of finding your identity in your purity or ability to follow the Law rather than in Christ and what he has done for you.

For more information about Rebecca, the book, and her podcast, visit The Scarlet Virgins.

Related posts:
Talking to Your Kids about Sex: No More One & Done
Is “Don’t Have Sex” Enough for Teens?

The post What I Wish I Had Been Taught Instead of Purity Culture with Rebecca Lemke appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.