From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

The post Why Isn’t Sex in Marriage Easy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in 2013, I contributed a guest post to Jolene Engle’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage series. I re-read the post, tweaked it just a bit, and wanted to share it with y’all. So here it is, on a subject near and dear to my heart: wives who desire and enjoy sex in marriage and what that says about them.

Can sex-driven wives be godly wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.

Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being.

God gifted marriage with sexual intimacy.

God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.

In the Song of Songs, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the wife eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).  And after the couple makes love, there’s a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that it represents God’s voice. What does that voice say? “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love” (5:1). In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!

Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris.  For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose seems to be female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.

Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that higher desire wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.

It’s still common to hear Christians talking about the importance of sex in terms of a wife needing to meet her husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have!

And those of us who really like and want sex feel like dodo birds … or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label from my own mind and embrace the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.

Even spiritual. Yes, spiritual.

Spiritual values can have physical manifestations.

Consider that Jesus’s spiritual commands have a physical component:

• Love someone … by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew.
• Help others … by giving to the poor.
• Serve others … by giving your time and resources to care for them.

Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.

Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: affection, yes, but also sex. And as long as you’re doing it in a way that honors your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.

Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate.

If you’re focused on sexual intimacy to the neglect of other parts of your relationship, that’s one thing. (And a thing you should look into and resolve.) But if you simply desire and enjoy sex with your husband, that’s a longing from God. One who wants to fulfill.

The post Can Sex-Driven Wives Be Godly Wives? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before I began speaking up about sex in marriage, I looked to see what resources were already out there. It was over 15 years ago that I hunted for books on the subject and came across four or five. Some of that content involved stereotypical assumptions and/or weren’t all that practical.

After I launched my website in December 2010, I discovered several others blogging on the topic—some of whom would go on to publish books. Now and then, another author would enter the arena with a book on sex, and then the speed of publications increased. Book after book after book about marital sex came out, and also social media content, podcasts, and online courses.

These days, we don’t lack for resources written by Christians that address sex in marriage. Why such a shift in such a short time?

We’re more comfortable talking about sex.

When my grandparents, my parents, and I grew up, sex simply wasn’t an open topic like it is in today’s culture. We had written and unwritten rules about what could be talked about publicly, aired on radio or TV, and shared in magazines or publications.

I’m not saying no one talked about sex. Of course they did! But there was scant sex education, sex-related statements or lyrics were often metaphoric, and most adults were hesitant at best to talk about sex with others.

Now, people are largely comfortable talking about everything from bodies, to masturbation, to sex toys, to fantasies and experiences. Often shared with words once considered profane or at least crass.

Given that the whole culture has shifted, it’s no wonder that Christians are also more comfortable talking about sex. Even if we speak more responsibly about it, it’s not that big a deal anymore to discuss it.

We had a lot we needed to correct.

The Church always has messages it needs to correct. There’s never been one era for which we could say, “They did Christianity right all the way around.” Just read the New Testament letters (aka epistles), and you’ll see how quickly and easily churches can mess up.

But in the area of sexuality, churches have failed a lot of people. Some grew up with silence so oppressive, they had no place to turn when they experienced trauma, betrayal, or simply confusion. Others soaked in the messages of Purity Culture, which often overemphasized abstinence to the point of missing redemption and preached a sexual prosperity gospel for those who waited until marriage. And then, there are the numerous sexual scandals in which we learned not only that there were predators among us, but that many of them had been protected and enabled by supposed spiritual leaders.

While the Christian resources out there didn’t promote sexual abuse, they often didn’t address it. They also didn’t address other situations spouses struggled with, such as sexual pain, pornography use, recovering from trauma, and higher desire wives and lower desire husbands.

Some messengers didn’t care that much about godly sexuality, but others did the best with what they knew and still got things wrong. We needed take a fresh look at God’s design for sexuality and create resources helped people navigate their challenges in a more informed, compassionate way.

We have more ways to communicate.

As a young person, what I learned about sex from Christians mostly came from my parents, my church, and my youth group. Once I was an adult, the Church actually talked less about sex, despite the expectations that we marrieds were having it.

But now, we have many ways to get the message across! No longer must we wait for the pastor to deliver an awkward sermon about God’s plan for sex or that one class in our church’s marriage course that mentions prioritizing “intimacy.”

In addition to books, we have websites, social media, search engines, and even AI (for those using it). We have videos on YouTube, podcasts on players, apps on our phone, and reels on Instagram and TikTok. I’ve participated in webinars, online conferences, and live Q&As.

With so many options, people with different teaching and learning styles can find a medium that works for them. Christians can, and should, make use of various tools to share the good news about Christ . . . and the good news about God’s plan for our sexuality.

We realized that sex sells.

Let’s be honest: many people will spend money in the pursuit of better sex. That can be a twisted thing, but it can be a good thing. For instance, when you buy my books! ~smile~ Actually, my point here is that Christian authors, businesses, and entrepreneurs figured out that this was an area ripe for sales.

Christian publishers that wouldn’t have touched a book with the word “vagina” in it twenty years ago are now happy to turn out several books on sex each year, because they expect to make money on them. Oh, and help people. I’m not saying they don’t want to help people, but they’re also trying to pay staff and turn profits.

Authors who previously wrote about marriage in general decided to jump on this train and put out a book on sex. Again, they likely did so to help people as well, but writing a book isn’t easy, so it’s motivating to know you can find an audience for it.

And plenty of others jumped into this space, believing that they could offer not only wisdom but get paid something for it. And they should get paid for their labor. As Jesus Christ himself cited, “the worker deserves his wages” (Luke 10:7).

Mind you, not everyone who has worked in this space has made a living. For instance, me. But that’s a story for another day. The story I’m sharing here is that there’s greater supply because there’s greater demand. As long as people are willing to pay for Christian sex resources, we’ll continue to get Christian sex resources.

We became willing to share our stories.

God redeemed my sex life. But I didn’t share my story widely for a long time. As I said on my blog: “While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung ‘that saved a wench like me’?”

I had good reason to believe that judgment and shame would be heaped upon me for past sins. I’d witnessed it happen to others and experienced it a bit myself. But an odd thing happened when I finally decided to step out and talk about it: Far more people thanked me for my candor than disparaged me for it. Yes, there were detractors, but most people were thirsty for openness and insight about sex.

Moreover, once a few people started talking about this topic—I definitely wasn’t alone in this!—more people felt free to share. And more and more and more.

We discovered and demonstrated that our testimonies matter. For God’s glory, for ourselves, and for others. As Psalm 66:16 says: “Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.” As we share our stories, we can “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4).

For many of us, it’s not about being pro-sex as much as being pro-God. We wanted to highlight sex not for its own sake but so that more couples can experience the healing God can provide, the bonding that couples in Christ can have, and those glimpses of intimacy that God longs to have with us.

Have you witnessed a shift in how and how much Christians talk about sex?
What are your thoughts on the changes you’ve seen?

Quick Reminder to Wives

If you can help out my research project with Regent University, please complete our 20-minute survey!

Take the 20-minute Survey

The post What’s Behind the Boom in Christian Sex Resources? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I promise you and me that my next post will be practical tips on improving sexual intimacy in marriage. But today’s post is a bit more in-depth, as I’ve been thinking about something my father used to talk to me about—that the church is often fighting the last battle instead of the current one.

What is the past battle regarding sexuality that we’re fighting?

I don’t know for sure, but I’ve been wondering about several issues. Let me share my thoughts and encourage you to chime in with yours.

Purity Culture

Hear me out. The Purity Culture movement, while well-intended in many regards, damaged many spouses who have struggled to come back from wrong messages about sexuality and instead embrace God’s design for sexual intimacy. Or those spouses ended up leaving their marriage, their faith, or both. I do not take that lightly.

But Purity Culture peaked in the 1990s and early 2000s, yet a look at how much books are talking about it shows that we’re far more engaged with the concept today. Take a look at this Google Ngram (cool tool!) showing mentions of Purity Culture terms in books from 1980 through 2022:

We should absolutely keep addressing the wrong messages about Purity Culture that impact couples today. But are churches really spreading that message now? Or do we have other issues that might need more focus?

Pornography

We will always be fighting pornography. Looking upon images or people with selfish lust has never been God’s plan for our sexuality. But the framework of pornography is likely to change a lot in the next few years.

I grew up in a world where you had to seek out porn, while today you have to block out porn. But pornography has remained a mostly visual, two-dimensional experience. Whether a movie produced by an industry studio or a direct-to-user platform, porn has been a performer-consumer interaction.

With the advent of artificial intelligence (AI), we’re very likely to see the development of virtual reality and sex-bot partners that simulate not only sex but emotional connection. Is the Church ready to answer that?

I’ve used ChatGPT for brainstorming and specific research tasks, and one thing that has bothered me about it is how flattering it tends to be! I ask a question, and it praises me for my curiosity. I give a suggestion, and it commends me for my insight. I push back on misinformation, and it hails me for my knowledge. I roll my eyes and move on, but if this AI can stroke my ego about basic questions, what could a person-like AI do for someone who’s lonely and longs for intimacy?

Surely some will be drawn into this easy fix rather than pursuing the more difficult route of a relationship with a real person. Do we have a response to that temptation?

Intimacy Obstacles

Christian Boomers and Gen Xers mostly grew up in the don’t do it / don’t talk about it generation. Christian Millennials felt the brunt of Purity Culture and its emphasis on a sexual prosperity gospel. But Christian Gen Z is dealing with a different set of challenges. Having grown up in the era of smartphones, the shutdown of a once-in-a-lifetime (we pray) pandemic, and endless sexual content online, they’re often unsure of how to pursue intimacy…of any kind.

What answers are we ready to provide for the generation now getting hitched and starting their lives together? Is what I’ve written about being sexually intimate applicable to young couples who’ve never learned to be fully present with one another in other contexts?

I don’t know the how to respond to this upcoming generation, but I’m increasingly aware that yesterday’s solutions won’t meet tomorrow’s troubles. And we need to be thinking through what newlywed couples need to hear and know about God’s plan for sexual wholeness.

Sexual Identity

Speaking of younger generations, no one distinguished between my sex, gender, and orientation growing up. I was a girl, identified as a girl, and thus was presumably attracted to boys. I was a sophomore in high school when American Movie Classics (AMC) began airing old movies, soon joined by Turner Movie Classics (TMC) and Chicago’s WGN. Watching those shows, I fell in love with the likes of Cary Grant, Gene Kelly, and Rock Hudson. One year later, Hudson contracted AIDS, and it was revealed that he’d contracted this awful disease through homosexual relationships. Shock rattled me. How could this hunky heartthrob be gay?

If you read that thinking what?!, then you’re likely a generation or two younger than me. But trust me—sexual orientation was not widely discussed a few decades ago. Now? We not only discuss it about those who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual; it’s a topic everyone is expected to consider.

Some Christian authors have done a great job taking this on! Juli Slattery, Preston Sprinkle, Jackie Hill Perry, Rebecca McLaughlin, and others come to mind. But have the rest of us grappled with the implications of this change?

How do we address couples who enter marriage wondering where they really are on the sexual orientation spectrum? Do we have a gentle yet biblical answer for what male and female really mean in the sexual content? Does any of this impact the sexual insights and tips we give to newlywed couples?

Do any of these issues concern you? Where do you think we’re fighting the last battle instead of today’s battle? And what other issues do you see coming down the pike?

The post Are We Fighting Today’s Sexuality Battles? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Lately, I’ve been reading academic papers about faith and sex. I don’t usually pick up detailed studies with tiny font, research lingo, and statistics for my summer reading, but it’s for a project I’m involved with. And it turns out that it’s much more interesting than it sounds.

The main question of several of these papers is how “religiosity” impacts satisfaction with one’s sex life. Researchers measure religiosity in both external and internal ways (e.g., church attendance vs personal commitment). And so far in my reading, it appears that the internal measures—that is, an internalized faith—has a positive effect on one’s sexual satisfaction.

Let’s look at how faith helps one’s sexual satisfaction in marriage, as well as when it doesn’t.

Faith leads to values associated with sexual satisfaction.

Oftentimes, researchers attempt to “control” for factors that could influence the outcome. For instance, if I run a study of 100 couples and discover a correlation between wearing socks and having an orgasm (an actual outcome of one study!), I might immediately conclude we should all wear socks. But what if a different variable was actually at work—say, whether participants fantasized during sexual activity? I could ask about sexual fantasy and include it as a “statistical control” to see if that had as much or more to do with orgasm than wearing socks. If sexual fantasy didn’t correlate high enough, then I could safely advise: “Slip on some socks!”

In the studies I’ve read, religiosity—or how much a person engages with and values their religious beliefs and practices—is definitely correlated with higher sexual satisfaction in marriage. But once researchers controlled for some factors like commitment to one’s spouse and time spend together, the impact of religiosity itself was less significant.

But wait a minute! What’s actually happening is that higher religiosity individuals tend to view marriage as sacred and requiring a higher commitment, while couples who live out their faith—such as having faith conversations and praying together—spend more time together. So researchers agreed that genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.

But religion has hurt some of your sex lives.

While the research at this point seems pretty clear—internalized and practiced faith fosters better outcomes for marital sex—it would be foolish to say being a Christian always leads to better sex. Indeed, some of you have been hurt by messages and people in our faith.

If you combed through news stories, social media posts, memoirs, or my email, you’d find plenty of stories from folks who were abused by someone in the church, absorbed terrible messages about sex, were mistreated by a spouse who claimed faith while acting without compassion, and felt abandoned by God. You’d read about people who cried out for help from fellow church members, leaders, and/or Christian counselors and received responses that doubled the pain.

I can make a biblical case for faith in God leading to a better sex life. I’ve done that quite a lot on my website and in my books. But let’s look again at the research.

It matters what you believe.

Among the research were studies about how “sanctification” of sex—that is, beliefs about the meaning and reverence of sexual intimacy—improves satisfaction. But that’s not what a lot of Christians have been taught.

Instead, many men were taught entitlement while many women were taught obligation and then tried to live that out. Plenty of folks were taught that the appearance of commitment mattered more than actual fidelity and kept sexual secrets that wounded them and their spouses. Some people were taught that sex being sacred in marriage meant it would be easy, and when problems came, they had few or no resources to address them. And far too many Christians were taught through sexual trauma that they didn’t matter as persons but only as tools for someone else’s pleasure.

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

None of that is God’s design for sex. Rather, the message Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love. Anything less than that is not a sanctified view of sex.

It matters what you (both) practice.

Identifying as Christian isn’t enough. As James put it: “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves” (James 1:22, NLT).

In fact, a little bit of church or the Bible can be worse than none at all. Why is that? For men in particular who attend church or read the Bible irregularly, they can pick up phrases and verses to use against their wives rather than surrendering to the whole counsel of God.[1] For instance, they may pull 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 out of context and use it to pressure their wives for frequent sex, or embrace the concept of male “headship”—the validity of which we can discuss another time—without grasping that the King of Kings got on his knees and washed the dirty feet of those he led (see John 13:1–17).

Of course, many wives also listen to the Word of God like someone “who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (James 1:23–24). Rather than living out 1 Corinthians 13 love, we can become selfish, harsh, or dismissive of our husbands. I say this as someone who’s been guilty of all of those.

As individuals, we can make choices about what we put into practice. And you don’t get those better outcomes in sexual satisfaction—not to mention our lives and our very souls—without a deeper dedication to God’s will.

But you also lose out on it if your spouse does not embrace faith or practice its tenets—such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).

Predictably, the best situation is when both husband and wife commit to religiosity and sanctification of their sexual intimacy.

It matters what support you have.

Do friends, family, and fellow Christians encourage your faith and your marriage? Does your church speak about sex in a biblical-yet-practical way? Do you have resources to turn to when you face challenges in your life, marriage, or sexuality? Do you have the time and space to devote to spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible study, worship, and service? Does your spouse support your desire and efforts to live out your faith?

If you answered yes to all of those, I suspect you have a better sex life than most … or can and will get there. But for those who don’t have such support, you may struggle to internalize and practice your faith as fully as you could and should. (I answered one of those questions with a “no.” So again, speaking to the choir here!)

Community matters. If your current circles are not sufficiently supportive, look for ways to build a stronger community for yourself and your marriage. And someone out there needs to hear this next part: It’s okay to cut ties with contacts or churches that have profoundly hurt you. You can forgive someone without staying connected. Look for the kind of friends and support that God would give a big thumbs-up.

God created us to have better sex.

I’ll still be reading research studies for a while yet, but I feel certain that there will be no big surprises. I appreciate the small ahas, but the umbrella conclusion is exactly what I’d expect: Doing life the way God created us to live is better for us.

I’m not suggesting any guarantees here. You could do absolutely everything right, and an accident or illness could render you unable to engage in any sexual activity. We can get off-track if we believe the benefits of faith are all experienced here on earth. Instead, the Bible promises us trouble, persecution, sorrow, and death. But the odds are far more in your favor to follow God.

This world was broken by sin, but God’s goodness still abounds. We see it in the beauty of nature, we hear it in the moving sounds of music, and we feel it in the joy of a newborn baby. We touch it when we embrace our loving spouse in a sanctified sexual encounter that expresses and increases our intimacy.

In short, God created us to worship Him and live out His commands, and doing so will likely lead to better sex. The research agrees.

[1] Nancy Pearcey goes into this in detail in her book The Toxic War on Masculinity, and researcher Brad Wilcox also discussed it in Soft Patriarchs, New Men.

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