In my last post, 4 Sex Research Findings I Keep Coming Back To, I shared that I’m involved in a research study about married women’s sexual experiences and provided a link for wives to take our survey. And then, I found out the link wasn’t working. (Of course it wasn’t. Why should months of work culminate in everything going smoothly when we release the link? Sigh.)

Please Participate

If you were able to take the survey (the QR code presumably worked), thank you for doing that! If you tried but couldn’t reach it, the proper link is below. And if you didn’t click the link or scan the QR code, please do so! Here’s info about the study:

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

A Few Notes About Research

Having reported on many studies, and now helping with a study, I’ve learned a lot about how research is conducted. In a prior post, I noted The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research. But here’s a short list of research considerations:

• Sample. Quality research involves a representative sample (unless it’s a case study, which is different). For instance, in the work I do here, findings of a study of committed couples are more relevant than one of single college students.
• Purpose. Studies ask a question and then attempt to answer it. However, most of the time, researchers don’t tell you the specific question(s) they’re looking into because sharing their hypotheses ahead of time could influence participants’ responses.
• Measurement. A key question is how to measure whatever the researchers are looking for. In sex studies, researchers typically have people engage in sexual activities in a lab or fill out questionnaires (obviously, more people would prefer to do the latter). To reach credible outcomes, a measurement should be valid and reliable; that is, it measures what it says it measures and produces the same results when repeated under similar conditions.
  • Note: Some research uses more than one questionnaire previously established as valid and reliable, and the questionnaires may overlap. While it can feel weird to answer similar questions more than once, researchers usually can’t remove “repeats” because that would affect the validity and reliability of their findings.
• Confidentiality. Researchers should always tell you how the information you provide will be used and lay out how your private details will be protected.
• Institutional Review. Well-respected research normally goes through an institutional review process, meaning those conducting the study submit the why and how of their research to an expert board to make sure everything’s on the up and up. If the board finds any problems, they can and should request changes.
• Participants’ Rights. Participants should have the right to opt out at any time and also be made aware of where and how to report any concerns or complaints.

If you want to know more about how research involving humans should unfold, check out the US Department of Health & Human Services page About Research Participation. The World Health Organization also has information about conducting human research ethically.

One More Time

If you’re willing, wives, please take 20 minutes and complete our survey. Here are the link and QR code again. Thank you!

The post A Call to Wives to Help Our Research (w/an updated link) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in the 1950s and 1960s, the duo of William Masters and Virginia Johnson began conducting research experiments about sexual arousal and climax. They were groundbreakers for sure, but their participant pool and methods skewed the results a bit. Thankfully, scientists have improved their approach since then, and we now have some fairly good studies that tell us a lot about how our bodies function and our relationships flourish.

Of course, not all studies can be trusted and/or widely applied. For instance, finding out how single college students approach sex won’t tell you that much about how middle-aged couples married for decades approach sex. And certainly, some researchers go in with a biased viewpoint and use methods—often unintentionally but still—which influence the results.

Today, I thought I’d share some of my favorite findings from sex research. But first, I need to ask for your help with an important study that I’m involved in. Please, wives, consider participating! Just click the button or scan the QR code below to get to the survey.

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

Please remember to take that survey! In the meantime, here are four favorite research findings I’ve come back to again and again.

Sexual Desire Isn’t About Being “In the Mood”

Those sex research pioneers, Masters and Johnson, proposed a sexual response cycle that included excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Everyone they studied showed up to have sex or masturbate, so they weren’t really looking much into what sparks desire. Rather, for a very long time, the notion was that you felt in the mood, then you headed into those four stages of sexual interaction. But a lot of spouses reported not feeling in the mood, like maybe ever.

Hats off to Dr. Rosemary Basson who dug deeper and realized that we were missing a huge chunk by focusing on those who independently, or “spontaneously” experienced sexual desire. Many people’s sexual interest is more responsive. That is, they might start in on excitement—engaging in actions that stir arousal—and thus awaken their sexual desire.

This shift is understanding can be HUGE for some spouses and couples! Did you think you were broken because you didn’t want sex like your husband or wife did? Maybe it’s just that you get into it after it starts. Did you feel rejected because your spouse never seemed to be in the mood? That doesn’t mean they don’t desire you or sex; they just need some other stuff to happen first. Have you been at odds with each other because your sexual interest works differently? What if you learned to appreciate your differences and figured out how to get both of you fully engaged?

Intercourse Isn’t the Best Way for Her to Climax

Speaking of researchers, Sigmund Freud had problems. Including his insistence that clitoral orgasms were inferior and immature, while vaginal ones were superior and mature. We now know that all orgasms emanate from the clitoris—some from direct stimulation of the bulb (the part at the top of her vulva you’re likely most aware of) and some from indirect stimulation of the wishbone-shaped clitoris (which can produce what feels deeper, or “vaginal”). And one climax isn’t better than another. You might prefer one more than another, but they all count.

Indeed, research has shown that many women don’t regularly climax from intercourse. Some simply can’t. And that’s okay. As Song of Songs says, “at [your] door is every delicacy” (7:13). That is, you have options.

One wonderful study shared about the “Golden Trio.” These are the three actions most likely to lead a wife to reach climax, and they are genital stimulation, oral sex, and/or deep kissing. So if you want the wife to reach that peak of pleasure, aim for one or more of those actions. If you want the orgasm to arrive during intercourse, add genital stimulation or deep kissing during that part. Or simply go for a second one for her with intercourse after she’s reached her climax in a different way.

Wear Your Socks to Bed!

Have you heard of serendipitous discoveries? It’s when someone is studying one thing and discovers something different. For instance, Alexander Fleming was studying staphylococcal bacteria when mold contaminated a Petri dish and the bacteria around died. “Wait a minute,” Fleming said (more or less) and discovered penicillin, the first antibiotic. Percy Spencer was working on radar magnetrons when a chocolate bar in his pocket melted. “Wonder what would happen if I tried popcorn,” he thought . . . and the microwave oven was born. Then there’s sildenafil, a drug originally tested as a treatment for angina. It didn’t work well for the heart, but travel 18 or so inches down and it was quite effective! Don’t know what sildenafil is? It’s the generic name for Viagra.

Likewise, some researchers in The Netherlands were looking at brain scans during orgasm to see which parts light up and which turn off. They published the scan findings but noticed something else worth reporting: Both men and women reached orgasm more easily while wearing socks. And it wasn’t a small effect. Couples who kept their feet cozy had a 30% increase in climax.

It’s no guarantee, but why not try wearing your socks to your next lovemaking session? Not having cold feet could make other places heat up more easily.

Sexual Growth Really Can Happen

One of the most damaging beliefs one can have about sex in marriage is that you’re either compatible or not. Having this attitude can lead one to try out various lovers before marriage, looking for The One that they enjoy sexually the most—when that isn’t the best way to choose a partner and adds sexual baggage you both may need to deal with later. It also allows people to excuse their stubbornness and unwillingness to change. After all, if that’s just who you are, then there’s no point in even trying. And it soaks us in a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. If you’re married to someone you’re simply not sexually compatible with, then it’s never going to change and you have to live with the tension and despair for the rest of your life. Or divorce and find someone you are sexually compatible with—at least until you hit a speedbump in that relationship.

Sexual compatibility has been talked about a lot, but it’s not evidence-based. Marriages have seasons. Sexual problems can be resolved. Plenty of people change. But they have to ditch that fixed mindset and adopt a malleable perspective regarding sexual desire and satisfaction.

Across multiple studies from 2017–2021, researchers consistently found that believing sexual intimacy can grow and develop is linked to better outcomes. Growth beliefs were associated with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, greater sexual desire for both partners, healthier coping with sexual problems, lower rejection sensitivity, and even lower problematic pornography use. Meanwhile, fixed or “destiny” beliefs were tied to lower satisfaction, more conflict, more anxiety and depression, and more negative coping responses. One study also found that, without reinforcement, the benefits of a growth mindset fade over time, suggesting that we have to intentionally nurture this perspective.

One way to do that is to stay close to God—His Word, prayer, worship—because one core message of our faith is that He brings restoration and transformation. Also look for marriage resources that promote nurturing your relationship, including your sexual intimacy.

Quality research reveals God’s design for sex. Sex was God’s idea, and He made it to be an intimate experience between husband and wife. But of course, we live in a fallen world, so not everyone is experiencing that right now. It’s important to remain in His Word to understand His plan, but we can also get at God’s truth through well-conducted research. Which is why I want to remind all wives again to please complete the 20-minute survey described above. Here are that link and QR code again. Thanks!

Related Posts: Fun Findings about Sex, What Research Says You Need for Better Sex, The “Golden Trio” That Could Bring Her to Orgasm, 4 Research-Based Tips for Better Sex, 4 Curious Findings from Sex Research, The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research, Embrace a Sexual Growth Mindset, Volunteer for Marital Intimacy Research Today

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Lately, I’ve been reading academic papers about faith and sex. I don’t usually pick up detailed studies with tiny font, research lingo, and statistics for my summer reading, but it’s for a project I’m involved with. And it turns out that it’s much more interesting than it sounds.

The main question of several of these papers is how “religiosity” impacts satisfaction with one’s sex life. Researchers measure religiosity in both external and internal ways (e.g., church attendance vs personal commitment). And so far in my reading, it appears that the internal measures—that is, an internalized faith—has a positive effect on one’s sexual satisfaction.

Let’s look at how faith helps one’s sexual satisfaction in marriage, as well as when it doesn’t.

Faith leads to values associated with sexual satisfaction.

Oftentimes, researchers attempt to “control” for factors that could influence the outcome. For instance, if I run a study of 100 couples and discover a correlation between wearing socks and having an orgasm (an actual outcome of one study!), I might immediately conclude we should all wear socks. But what if a different variable was actually at work—say, whether participants fantasized during sexual activity? I could ask about sexual fantasy and include it as a “statistical control” to see if that had as much or more to do with orgasm than wearing socks. If sexual fantasy didn’t correlate high enough, then I could safely advise: “Slip on some socks!”

In the studies I’ve read, religiosity—or how much a person engages with and values their religious beliefs and practices—is definitely correlated with higher sexual satisfaction in marriage. But once researchers controlled for some factors like commitment to one’s spouse and time spend together, the impact of religiosity itself was less significant.

But wait a minute! What’s actually happening is that higher religiosity individuals tend to view marriage as sacred and requiring a higher commitment, while couples who live out their faith—such as having faith conversations and praying together—spend more time together. So researchers agreed that genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.

But religion has hurt some of your sex lives.

While the research at this point seems pretty clear—internalized and practiced faith fosters better outcomes for marital sex—it would be foolish to say being a Christian always leads to better sex. Indeed, some of you have been hurt by messages and people in our faith.

If you combed through news stories, social media posts, memoirs, or my email, you’d find plenty of stories from folks who were abused by someone in the church, absorbed terrible messages about sex, were mistreated by a spouse who claimed faith while acting without compassion, and felt abandoned by God. You’d read about people who cried out for help from fellow church members, leaders, and/or Christian counselors and received responses that doubled the pain.

I can make a biblical case for faith in God leading to a better sex life. I’ve done that quite a lot on my website and in my books. But let’s look again at the research.

It matters what you believe.

Among the research were studies about how “sanctification” of sex—that is, beliefs about the meaning and reverence of sexual intimacy—improves satisfaction. But that’s not what a lot of Christians have been taught.

Instead, many men were taught entitlement while many women were taught obligation and then tried to live that out. Plenty of folks were taught that the appearance of commitment mattered more than actual fidelity and kept sexual secrets that wounded them and their spouses. Some people were taught that sex being sacred in marriage meant it would be easy, and when problems came, they had few or no resources to address them. And far too many Christians were taught through sexual trauma that they didn’t matter as persons but only as tools for someone else’s pleasure.

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

None of that is God’s design for sex. Rather, the message Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love. Anything less than that is not a sanctified view of sex.

It matters what you (both) practice.

Identifying as Christian isn’t enough. As James put it: “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves” (James 1:22, NLT).

In fact, a little bit of church or the Bible can be worse than none at all. Why is that? For men in particular who attend church or read the Bible irregularly, they can pick up phrases and verses to use against their wives rather than surrendering to the whole counsel of God.[1] For instance, they may pull 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 out of context and use it to pressure their wives for frequent sex, or embrace the concept of male “headship”—the validity of which we can discuss another time—without grasping that the King of Kings got on his knees and washed the dirty feet of those he led (see John 13:1–17).

Of course, many wives also listen to the Word of God like someone “who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (James 1:23–24). Rather than living out 1 Corinthians 13 love, we can become selfish, harsh, or dismissive of our husbands. I say this as someone who’s been guilty of all of those.

As individuals, we can make choices about what we put into practice. And you don’t get those better outcomes in sexual satisfaction—not to mention our lives and our very souls—without a deeper dedication to God’s will.

But you also lose out on it if your spouse does not embrace faith or practice its tenets—such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).

Predictably, the best situation is when both husband and wife commit to religiosity and sanctification of their sexual intimacy.

It matters what support you have.

Do friends, family, and fellow Christians encourage your faith and your marriage? Does your church speak about sex in a biblical-yet-practical way? Do you have resources to turn to when you face challenges in your life, marriage, or sexuality? Do you have the time and space to devote to spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible study, worship, and service? Does your spouse support your desire and efforts to live out your faith?

If you answered yes to all of those, I suspect you have a better sex life than most … or can and will get there. But for those who don’t have such support, you may struggle to internalize and practice your faith as fully as you could and should. (I answered one of those questions with a “no.” So again, speaking to the choir here!)

Community matters. If your current circles are not sufficiently supportive, look for ways to build a stronger community for yourself and your marriage. And someone out there needs to hear this next part: It’s okay to cut ties with contacts or churches that have profoundly hurt you. You can forgive someone without staying connected. Look for the kind of friends and support that God would give a big thumbs-up.

God created us to have better sex.

I’ll still be reading research studies for a while yet, but I feel certain that there will be no big surprises. I appreciate the small ahas, but the umbrella conclusion is exactly what I’d expect: Doing life the way God created us to live is better for us.

I’m not suggesting any guarantees here. You could do absolutely everything right, and an accident or illness could render you unable to engage in any sexual activity. We can get off-track if we believe the benefits of faith are all experienced here on earth. Instead, the Bible promises us trouble, persecution, sorrow, and death. But the odds are far more in your favor to follow God.

This world was broken by sin, but God’s goodness still abounds. We see it in the beauty of nature, we hear it in the moving sounds of music, and we feel it in the joy of a newborn baby. We touch it when we embrace our loving spouse in a sanctified sexual encounter that expresses and increases our intimacy.

In short, God created us to worship Him and live out His commands, and doing so will likely lead to better sex. The research agrees.

[1] Nancy Pearcey goes into this in detail in her book The Toxic War on Masculinity, and researcher Brad Wilcox also discussed it in Soft Patriarchs, New Men.

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One of the most frustrating comments I ever get goes something like this: “I wish I’d slept with my spouse before marriage, so I would have known whether we were sexually compatible.” I see at least three major errors in that statement:

1. Regretting that you did the right thing (see What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?)
2. Believing that sex before marriage, a particular point in time, would provide sufficient information about physical intimacy going forward
3. Embracing “sexual compatibility,” the idea that your libidos, bodies, and preferences either match or don’t

I don’t even know where we got this notion of sexual compatibility, because it’s certainly not in Scripture. Rather, the overwhelming message in the Bible is that loving well and prioritizing physical intimacy are the prerequisites to mutually satisfying sex in marriage. God’s plan for great sex in marriage lands in that category of Simple to Understand, Difficult to Consistently Do.

Thinking there’s some magic formula or that couples either fit or don’t simply creates obstacles to progress in your marriage’s sex life! Let’s talk about a better perspective.

Are we fixed or malleable?

Kudos to Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, who coined the term “growth mindset.” Way back in the late 1980s, she began to look at two perspectives students used to measure themselves in regard to performance: the view that personal attributes were largely fixed or that they were malleable. For example, two students who each failed a test might draw different conclusions:

• “I failed because I’m stupid” (fixed)
• “I failed because I didn’t study effectively, but I can learn” (malleable)

That can also be true of successes—where the fixed view of that someone succeeds because they’re inherently smart or capable (fixed) or because they worked hard and overcame challenges (malleable). Dweck called that malleable view a “growth mindset” and proposed that it causes less overall anxiety and leads to a more successful life.

Sounds like common sense, right? If you think your efforts aren’t that related to how things go for you, you won’t want to put in as much effort and you’ll experience greater stress, at least in those areas where success doesn’t come easily. But we often believe that fixed version of ourselves and others.

How does this relate to sex?

Later researchers looked at the issue of fixed vs malleable perspectives when it comes to sexual desire and satisfaction. At least 5 studies drew conclusions worth considering:

1. The title of a 2017 study by four Hungarian psychologists summarizes their findings perfectly: “The pervasive role of sex mindset: Beliefs about the malleability of sexual life is linked to higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction and lower levels of problematic pornography use.”
2. Another 2017 study from seven psychologists noted that “Individuals high in sexual growth beliefs think that sexual satisfaction is attained from hard work and effort, whereas individuals high in sexual destiny beliefs think that sexual satisfaction is attained through finding a compatible sexual partner,” then went on to show that “those higher in sexual growth beliefs experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, and have partners who are more satisfied.” (How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being)
3. A 2018 study from two psychologists in Canada focused on how women cope with sexual problems by explicitly priming their subjects with either fixed or malleable viewpoints and then asking how they would respond to sexual challenges. “Results from both studies showed that women primed with entity [fixed] theories who expected to experience a sexual desire issue reported significantly more negative coping than women primed with incremental [growth] theories.” (Viewing Sexual Desire as Stable Versus Fluid: The Impact of Implicit Beliefs on Women’s Coping With Sexual Desire Problems)
4. A 2021 study by 5 (female) psychologists wanted to know the impact of sharing about sexual growth with couples experiencing clinically low sexual desire and arousal for the woman. Their research concluded that “endorsing greater sexual growth beliefs was associated with higher sexual desire for both partners, whereas, with some exceptions, endorsing greater sexual destiny beliefs was linked to lower sexual desire and relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and more depressive and anxious symptoms.” (By the way, the effects did not persist a year later, suggesting that a sexual growth mindset must be regularly nurtured.) (Navigating Women’s Low Desire: Sexual Growth and Destiny Beliefs and Couples’ Well-Being)
5. A 2021 study by three psychologists from Rutgers and Duke considered how a growth mindset affected sexual rejection sensitivity; that is, “the inclination to anxiously anticipate and react to perceived interpersonal rejection.” The results indicated that “Participants who perceived that their partner had a fixed mindset tended to have greater sensitivity to sexual rejection, and those with higher sexual rejection sensitivity tended to have lower sexual satisfaction.” (Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction)

In case you wonder how you might have answered some of these surveys, here’s a sampling of statements participants were asked to agree or disagree (on a scale) with:

• Everyone is a certain kind of sexual partner, and there is not much that they can do to really change that.
• The kind of sexual partner someone is, is something basic about them, and it can’t be changed very much.
• People can do things differently, but the important part of who they are as a sexual partner can’t really be changed.
• An unsatisfying sex life suggests that the relationship was never meant to be.

(PDF) Sexual Growth Mindsets and Rejection Sensitivity in Sexual Satisfaction

You’re not the only one with a viewpoint.

Perhaps you’ve gotten this far and want to yell at this post or me or the universe, “I have a positive growth mindset! It’s my spouse who believes things can’t get better!” You make a good point, friend. Indeed, the fifth study listed above looked at not only one’s own mindset, but their partner’s mindset—both real and perceived.

If you think your spouse isn’t going to respond well to a suggestion to try something different, you may well be more sensitive to rejection and less satisfied with your sex life. Even more so if your spouse really isn’t going to respond well.

And from what I’ve seen, a number of less-than-cooperative spouses seem to have a fixed view of their own sexuality yet expect their spouse to change. Or at least drop the subject.

So yeah, hands-up in surrender, I hear you. I know that’s true for some of you. And it’s disappointing, frustrating, and even heartbreaking for you.

But looking into all this research, a few things stood out to me:

We’re often not as good at reading our spouse as we think we are. For instance, men tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in sex, while women tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in foreplay. We also may read into our spouse’s reactions more resistance or rejection than is there.

For many, a healthy sexual growth mindset must be, well, grown. You can’t expect someone who believes that sexual interest or satisfaction is largely fixed to simply wake up one day and see it all differently. Sharing a growth mindset can have a positive impact, but it won’t last if it’s not regularly nurtured until it reaches maturity.

If we really believe in that growth mindset, we should look into what we ourselves need to change. For instance, I’ve heard from far too many men who use porn and yet wonder why their wife isn’t willing to work on the sex in their marriage. Well, in the first study above, having a sexual growth mindset led to lower levels of problematic porn use. That’s great, but just having a growth mindset should lead there too. And to any other changes we really should make to be a better friend, supporter, and lover to our spouse.

Like it or not, we’re the only ones we can really change (with God’s help). We can certainly influence our spouse, and one of the best ways to do that is to change our approach in a way that invites change on his/her end. (See Who Are You Praying to Change in Your Marriage?)

God calls us to grow.

If you want, you can forget all those studies previously mentioned and just focus on God’s Word. Because the research supports what God has said all along—we’ll be more content and successful when we make space and effort to grow.

 We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.

Colossians 1:9a–12

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

1 Peter 2:2–3

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4

And every time the word repent is used, it basically means “CHANGE!” Okay, literally, it means turn around, but the idea is to set out for a new direction, and the underlying assumption is that transformation is possible.

Repenting, growing, and becoming a better person in the arena of sexual intimacy is my story. It’s the story of many others, as well. God redeemed us, but we had to agree with Him that He could.

Maybe you’ve embrace His redemption in other areas, but do you have a growth mindset when it comes to sex? Are you looking to grow in other areas that could impact the sex in your marriage? What part of your life is calling for personal growth and God’s intervention?

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But not all research is well-done or applicable to the Christian life. We should use caution and discernment when looking at these studies. So let’s look at the perks and pitfalls of sex research.

What’s the purpose?

If you remember anything about the scientific method from school, you know that a study begins with a hypothesis. Ideally, observation and background research inform the hypothesis, but the research itself follows a pattern of asking a question, forming a hypothesis, determining the sample and design, conducting the experiment, analyzing data, and drawing conclusions.

What hypothesis researchers propose impacts how they design the study, which data they look at and which data seems irrelevant or tangential to their purpose, and how they process the results of the study. The researcher might be biased or simply might be looking at A and not B, and that needs to taken into consideration when deciding whether the research is applicable to our marriage.

For instance, let’s say a researcher wants to know whether a couple is more likely to climax after watching pornography together. The researcher presumes pornography to be a benign or beneficial act and then looks at short-term effects on sexual arousal and satisfaction. Indeed, plenty of studies have noted some positive, short-term effects of viewing porn. But that purpose is at odds with our goals for marriage!

We want our marriages to honor God and others. We want our sexual focus to be on one another, not bringing in others outside the bedroom. And we want to understand the negative, long-term effects of viewing porn (see An Open Letter on Porn | gottman.com), as well as the cost to those involved in the porn industry (By the Numbers: Is the Porn Industry Connected to Sex Trafficking? | fightthenewdrug.org).

Other research might be right in line with our goals, despite being from a secular viewpoint. For instance, a 2016 study of 52,588 people showed a 30-point orgasm gap between men and women. That is, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same. The study’s purpose of determining how often men vs women orgasm is useful information for husbands and wives as well.

Who’s the sample?

The study’s sample is a key factor in deciding whether (1) the study was well-designed, and (2) its conclusions apply.

When looking at a study, ask: Where did the study subjects come from? What are their demographics (age, gender, etc.)? Were the participants already primed in some way to respond one way or another?

Early on, sex studies were biased toward people willing to participate in a sex study. While that’s still somewhat true, the culture was more hush-hush about sex years back, so those who did volunteer tended to be more sexually inclined than the average. At times, those skewed samples made for skewed conclusions.

Not long ago, I saw a headline boasting that new research showed women were just as high drive as men. The study turned out to be a survey of visitors to an adultery site. Yep, these were men and women actively seeking sex with someone outside their marriage, so duh, they consider themselves higher drive. That’s not a good sample!

Chris Taylor also pointed out in our latest Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode that college students are easy-to-get study participants, so they are overrepresented in research. But studying the sex lives of college students won’t tell you all that much about the sex lives of couples married ten years or more.

Another common research sampling is whoever comes to your website. It can certainly be interesting and even useful to hear what my readers or another’s readers think about a topic, but that’s not a representative sample. So take those “I polled my readers and they said…” statements less as fact than as food for thought.

Basically, anytime research conclusions are cited, one question should be: Who did they study? Some researchers do a great job of sampling, others not so much.

What are they selling?

I hate to be so cynical, but a number of research studies are financed by or connected with individuals or entities who would like you to buy their stuff.

For example, if a sex toy company commissions a study that shows vibrators are the number one way for women to climax, I have questions. Maybe the conclusion is accurate, or maybe there was heavy or light pressure to deliver a certain outcome.

It doesn’t even have to be intentional bias. Sometimes we’re just in inner rings where we’re influenced by friends and colleagues. We know the general thinking of the people we hobnob with, and we don’t really want to stray too far from that.

It’s just worth asking who financed the study, what entities are associated with the researchers, and whether the sale of any products or a person’s career advancement is impacted by the results.

How do you really study sex?

If I want to study the migration patterns of butterflies, or the efficacy of a prescription drug, or whether people prefer Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper, it’s pretty easy to imagine how one can do that objectively. But how does one really learn about sex between humans? Obviously, we don’t want to observe people doing it, so studies typically use self-report, exposure to sexual stimuli (like arousing images), and/or masturbation + physiological readings. But do those yield accurate results?

More importantly, do they tell us enough about the whole of the sexual experience?

• Imagine a wife who shows all the physiological signs of arousal, orgasm, and release. But throughout the experience, she feels guilty.
• Or take an elderly couple who can no longer complete penetration due to medical issues, yet they engage in lovemaking nearly every day.
• How about the husband who can become aroused easily and masturbate to climax, but struggles to reach that peak with his wife?

In each of these scenarios, a study might draw the wrong conclusion. How do you design research that captures the complexity of sexual intimacy between husband and wife?

Well, you don’t. Rather, you take a piece here and a piece there and put them together to highlight important aspects of the sexual relationship. And underneath that, you need a foundation of understanding God’s design for sex in marriage.

Believe me, I’m fascinated by sex research. I’ve written about it here, here, and here. But no study expresses the depth of your sexual experience and your spouse’s and how those come together to form your current situation. We should use discernment when considering takeaways from research about sexual intimacy, looking at the purpose, sampling, and more. We should prioritize what God says about sexual intimacy above any specific research finding, for He is the one who created sex and knows what it is supposed to look like.

And oftentimes, the best sex research we can conduct is in our own bedroom, with our own beloved, studying one another and figuring out how to nurture a physical, emotional, and even spiritual connection there.

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