Like many of you, I’ve heard, seen, and read multiple articles about the alleged rape at Cornell University. In case you haven’t followed this story, the short version is that an inebriated woman attended a fraternity party, engaged with several men also under the influence, and ended up engaging in sexual encounters with several fraternity members—very likely without her full consent.

When the story was fresh, I considered hopping in with my perspective but thought better of it. I really don’t know all the facts of this case, the persons involved, or the legal parameters (consent is defined differently depending on jurisdiction). I defer to the authorities to decide whether rape occurred.

But after letting the issue settle for a bit, I decided that I can speak about this incident as an example of three problematic issues in our culture. So let’s look at those and how they impact our view of sexuality by God’s design.

Sex Isn’t Just Transactional

When I read the story of “Jane Doe,” my heart ached. She showed up at a frat party, agreed to a threesome, and later texted that “honestly i really like being w u and matt…. I don’t think we should feel any shame for the part. our body our choice.” Soon after, she realized that it wasn’t all her choice. She’d been far too intoxicated to agree to what happened.

Meanwhile, the frat boys shared texts that night with such stomach-churning messages as:

• Free p*$$y
• Like you can walk in and whip it out
• Shop still open?

We likely recoil from these messages, but let’s ask ourselves: How have we treated sex like a transaction?

Because that’s what everyone in this awful story seemed to have done. Jane Doe originally thought that sex was a feel-good interaction that only required consent, and the fraternity guys looked at her as an opportunity to have a good time. Did anyone consider sexual intimacy to be a more emotional—perhaps even spiritual—experience? It doesn’t seem like it.

Look, I’m not blaming the victim here! Simply imagine the Cornell scenario where everyone involved accepted that sex was a deeply spiritual and/or emotional experience. What would have happened? Certainly not the horrific event that occurred!

Our culture has failed both women and men by insisting that anything goes, as long as participants consent. We’ve minimized the intensity of physical intimacy by making sex seem transactional. She gets what she wants, he gets what he wants, and everyone leaves happy, right? No, not right.

We were made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), and our bodies should be treated with honor (1 Corinthians 6:19‑20). While there is give-and-take in a healthy marital relationship, sex was never meant to be transactional (see The Bad Plan of Bartering for Sex).

Our current culture promotes the idea that sex is about self-expression and pleasure, and in doing so, robs us of both. People end up pursuing selfishness and personal pleasure to the detriment of others.

Our current culture promotes the idea that sex is about self-expression and pleasure, and in doing so, robs us of both.

Few of us are likely to find ourselves in the circumstance of the Cornell students. Rather, let’s ask ourselves where we’ve fallen short of honoring our spouse. Where have we considered sex to be transactional rather than relational?

Take All Accusations Seriously

You may have heard of the hashtags #BelieveWomen or #BelieveAllWomen. I appreciate the goal, but I differ somewhat on the message. Mine would be #TakeAccusationsSeriously.

Men are not inherently worse than women, and I don’t put it past some women to, well, lie. I can conceive of instances where accusing a man of sexual harassment or assault would benefit a woman. At the same time, men perpetuate far more sexual crimes than women and we have looong history of ignoring women’s accurate reports of sexual harassment and assault. What’s the answer? Take all accusations seriously.

By the way, plenty of allegations not taken seriously involve a male accusing a man or woman of harassment or assault. We must take those seriously too!

Don’t assume that because you know Mr. X and he seems okay that he is not capable of horrific sexual violations. That’s how Jeffrey Epstein and Larry Nassar got away with their crimes. Pastors also get away with sexual abuse when we don’t take accusers’ reports seriously! One book I recommend on this topic is The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids In Our Home And Church For Decades And How I Finally Stopped Him by Jimmy Hinton.

But not every allegation is 100% true. That’s why we should take each seriously and investigate! Most research finds that 2–10% of rape allegations are false (though that’s arguable). That’s not a high number—which confirms take all allegations seriously, but if you’re one of the 2–10 men falsely accused of rape, that’s a big deal.

Not a single rapist should get away with his crime! But we need to investigate allegations to ensure that we’re not assuming guilt where it doesn’t exist.

As I write this, I think about readers who’ve experienced sexual assault. Maybe you struggle to call what you experienced rape. Maybe you’ve never told anyone about it, or you told someone and your allegation wasn’t taken seriously. It should have been. You should have received full-throttle support and had your story valued and confirmed! You should have received compassion and justice!

But a few readers have been erroneously accused of misconduct, and I feel for those people too.

TRUTH should be our guiding principle. And while I hope and pray that justice prevails on this side of Heaven, I want you to know that God sees, God knows, and God will deliver ultimate justice on your behalf. He loves you and will make things right in the end.

If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, please get help. Your story matters.

We’re in an Ongoing Fight

The way the world understands sexuality and the truth of God’s design are constantly at odds! I’ve read so many views about this case that miss the mark. I considered naming all the ways that news stories and commentaries have gone awry, but they are legion and the specifics are not the point. Rather, we need to all take a breath, step back from our preferred news sources, and reflect on what God has to say about all this.

So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

We all bear the image of God. That said, we live in this realm on a spectrum—following Christ, rejecting Him, actively pursing evil, and everything in between.

Rapists actively pursue evil and should be treated as such! But plenty of others do evil without aggressively attacking others. Some of you reading this now have looked at pornography in the past week—knowing that it’s not okay but also telling yourself that you’re not actually hurting anyone. Please, please recognize that you’re in an ongoing fight … and right now, you’re losing. That doesn’t say anything about you as a person. Plenty of heroes were backed into a corner before they found the courage to step out, oppose evil, and prevail! Many of them benefited from support from others (Marvel and DC Comics have superhero groups for a reason!).  

Daily, we’re bombarded with sexual temptation of various kinds. Not just pornography, but also erotica, porn-adjacent TV and movies, strip clubs, chat rooms, social media groups, and even sites masquerading as Christian sex resources while promoting unbiblical ideas.

I wonder how many erroneous sexual messages Jane Doe and, even more so, the Cornell fraternity brothers consumed before that fateful night. I guarantee you the number is not zero. I suspect it was an appalling amount of content opposed to what God designed sex to be.

What’s informing our view of sexuality? Is it God’s Word or other sources? Some of you know it’s more the latter. What will you do next?

Like many of you, I am heartsick—and sick to my stomach as well—by what happened at a frat house in Cornell in October 2024. But every single minute of every single day, God’s design for sexual intimacy is violated in some way or other. What are we doing to pursue His plan for sexual intimacy?

I don’t know what will happen with Jane Doe and her case, but I do know that God’s justice and mercy prevail in the long run. In the meantime, we must do our part, by embracing that:

1. Sex is more than transactional; it’s emotional and even spiritual.
2. All allegations of sexual abuse and harassment should be taken seriously and properly investigated.
3. We are in an ongoing fight, and if we’re not winning our personal battle with sexual temptation, we need to get help and support to get on God’s side.

The post What the Cornell Case Reminds Us About Sexuality appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

One man I dated before meeting my wonderful husband told me about a scary incident from his childhood. He was nine years old, kicking around outside a neighborhood grocery store, and was grabbed by an adult man who pulled him to the back alley, yanked his pants down, and attempted to penetrate his anus. My friend told me that he’d never squeezed his butt cheeks so hard in all his life, and thankfully, something interrupted the would-be rapist and made him run off.

It was a traumatizing event. But sexual assault, abuse, and harassment happen every day, every hour, every minute … to boys.

That abuse takes its toll on the individual and on his marriage. Some of you are struggling right now with the consequences of a husband having been sexually abused—and you may or may not know it.

Was the husband in your marriage abused?

Men are much less likely to report sexual abuse and acknowledge its impact. They may have labeled what happened to them as unpleasant without realizing it rose to the level of abuse.* Some men don’t even recall what happened, their minds having blocked it out to keep them from dwelling on that horrible experience.

Thus, many husbands don’t admit to their wives, or even to themselves, that they were victims of sexual abuse. Or they downplay how it affected their sexuality. After all, if they are attracted to their wife and can complete the sex act, how bad could it be?

But not addressing past trauma means you’re probably missing out on having a better sex life than what you’ve known. And past abuse can lead to persistent pornography use, low sex drive or periodic performance issues, hypersexuality, tension and shame in the bedroom, and/or difficulty being emotionally vulnerable and intimate.

Sweeping past sexual abuse under the rug doesn’t make it disappear. It just makes a lump that can trip you (both) up.

If you’re curious about the things that happened to you, and whether they were simply difficult or perhaps abuse, a book like The Wounded Heart by Dan B. Allender could help.

How common is abuse of boys?

As with girls, abuse of boys is far too prevalent. Experts estimate that 1 in 6 boys will experience sexual abuse. I’m skeptical at times of statistics that get batted around, so I went digging for what went into that number. From the studies I found, it seems pretty solid.

Where there could be some debate is how we define sexual abuse. The 1-in-6 statistic describes it as “experiences in which children are subjected to unwanted sexual contact involving force, threats, or a large age difference between the child and the other person (which involves a big power differential and exploitation).” Sexual abuse can include fondling, penetration, exposure, forced masturbation, oral-to-genital contact, child pornography, or prostitution.

While my friend’s story involved a stranger, the vast majority of time, sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member, friend, or acquaintance. And while the perpetrator is more often male, it can certainly be a female.

So if you were sexually abused as a boy, or if this is your husband’s story, you are (or he is) not alone. If that guy went to a men’s retreat with 50 guys, seven others present could relate. It’s awful that it’s so many! But it’s also good to realize that plenty of other men know what it was to go through awfulness … and you can help one another heal.

Are you ready to heal?

My father died 10 years ago, so I can’t confirm this, but I’m 99% convinced that he was sexually abused as a child. He had too many wounds in this area that make the most sense if he experienced that kind of trauma. But he never talked about it. He never got help. He had two marriages fall apart.

In contrast, I’m inspired by the story of Joe Buchanan, cohost of Behind Our Smiles. He and his wife Tara talk about marriage overall on their podcast, but he’s addressed the sexual abuse he experienced as a child, and Tara has spoken on our podcast about it (Helping Your Husband Heal – Sex Chat for Christian Wives). It took time, but he was able to speak honestly with his wife about what had happened and get the support he needed.

Many other men have discovered hope and healing. It’s not an easy road to walk, but it’s so much better than staying stuck. By getting help, making the effort, and staying with it, you’re taking a path toward sexual freedom and wholeness. And the sexual intimacy in your marriage could become deeper and more meaningful than ever.

One of my readers shared his own personal account of childhood sexual abuse and building something better with God’s help. I was originally going to link to that post (Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse: One Powerful Story), but when I rewatched the video and felt convicted that I needed to include it here. This man has been there and can speak better to other men than I can.

You may want to start by seeking outside help (such as trauma-informed counselors or mentors), or you may want to start by sharing with your wife that you were sexually abused. That depends on you and your circumstances. But you don’t have to dump everything at once. You can simply begin to tell your story, knowing that you can take your time to let it all come out. You’ll likely find compassion and support from your wife, who hurts for the little boy you were and wants you to be the man God created you to be. And God will be there to in the pit and the pain, ready to restore what’s been broken.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Looking for professional help? I highly recommend Brad Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries, who has worked with men in this area. And for more information on abuse of boys, here are some sources I found while researching this article:

• Support for Men Healing from Sexual Abuse | 1in6
• Get the Facts About Sexual Violence Against Men & Boys – RAINN
• Fact Sheet: Sexual Abuse of Boys | Prevent Child Abuse America
• Jim Hopper, Ph.D. | Statistics on Sexual Abuse of Boys
• Statistics on Child Abuse — GRACE

The post When He Was the One Sexually Abused appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

A wife recently reached out to me about her struggling marriage, and in the course of our back-and-forth, I made this observation:

Lack of safety may be the #1 reason marriages dissolve. It could be emotional safety. Physical safety. Financial safety. Whatever. But when you no longer feel safe with someone, intimacy is simply not possible.

Do You Feel Unsafe?

At times, we all feel a little unsafe. Most people have some nervousness about sharing private thoughts and feelings, becoming physically and sexually vulnerable, and relying on the other person in a relationship.

Plus, we have all experienced disappointment and hurt. Our past wounds can make us more skittish about trusting others. Some of that hurt might well have come from your spouse, because we are flawed humans and too often say or do something careless or rude. We may even lash out at our mate when our self-protection feels triggered.

Such typical caution is not what I’m what I’m talking about when I use the word “unsafe” regarding marriages in crisis or already severed.

Rather, it happens when a spouse demonstrates a pattern of cruelty, neglect, disrespect, and/or selfishness. They have disregarded your sense of safety, leaving you feeling alone and on edge.

Let’s Look at Real-Life Examples

What makes for that deep sense of being unsafe? Here are a few examples:

• He physically abused her, making her fear for her physical safety.
• He refused to work or couldn’t hold down a job, risking their financial safety.
• He viewed pornography or acted out with others, shattering her sexual safety.
• He belittled and insulted her, eroding her emotional safety.

I worded those as he did something to her, because women more often share their stories with me, but it could certainly go the other way. A husband might feel unsafe around his wife.

Can You Come Back?

Once one spouse feels unsafe, is the marriage over? Not necessarily. Plenty of marriages come back from the brink—moving from a lack of safety to genuine, sustained trust.  But it requires honesty, humility, sustained effort, and often outside help. That help might be from a couples’ therapist or simply one of you pursuing counseling on your own to shift the relationship dynamic.

Frankly, my husband and I never had a great couples’ therapy experience, but counseling on my own did wonders for my perspective and approach. Once I stopped messing up my part of things, my husband eventually changed what he was doing, and together we worked out a lot of our problems.

Others I know have had marvelous couples’ therapy experiences. And of course, some have changed their side of the relationship dynamic only to find their spouse unwilling to put forth any effort on their part.

Whether you can come back depends on your willingness to work hard and hurt more—as you work through difficult issues—to achieve true healing.

You Matter More Than Your Marriage

Some marriages absolutely should not continue because they involve the kind of oppression God consistently stood against! Isaiah 1:17 instructs us: “Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.” 

If one or both spouses have been guilty of abuse, neglect, sexual betrayal, addiction, etc., they must take full responsibility for their actions and get help to overcome. And their mate should set healthy boundaries to encourage that (see Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud & John Townsend).

If the offending spouse repeatedly refuses to work on their issues, then you are not safe. And as I’ve discussed before on my site, some abusers can reform (“situational abusers”), and others will not (“characterological abusers”). If you’re married to an abusive spouse who does not own their problem and want to fix it, then get help and get out. As Ephesians 5:11 says, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

Marriage should not be sustained at the cost of one’s body, heart, and soul. Some emotional pain is normal in any relationship, and marriages in crisis usually experience greater emotional pain as they tear down the old and broken foundation to build a new one, but God doesn’t call us to suffer for no good reason. God created marriage to be between two equally valued partners, not for one to be the bully and the other to be their victim.

Take Stock of Your Safety

Do you feel unsafe in your marriage? Is it because of what your spouse has done? Or are you perhaps misreading your spouse or bringing your own baggage into your perceptions?

Is your spouse aware of how you feel? Are they acting with intention or maybe reacting to their own baggage, stress, personal flaws, etc.?

Have there been times in your relationship when you felt truly safe? If so, what made you feel that sense of security? And how could you foster that bond?

What outside help might you need to discover or regain safety in your marriage? Do you need to work on some issues individually to overcome sin or heal from past wounds?

Have you been oppressed or mistreated by your mate so much that you are truly unsafe and need to get out?

As you consider these questions, the best place to start is likely with prayer—asking God to give you wisdom and clarity. I’m saying a prayer for you too.

I write mostly about sex in marriage, but this topic has been on my mind for a while. If you want to know more about how these issues impact sexual intimacy, here are a few other posts to check out:

• What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?
• What I Hate About Sex
• What about the 3 A’s? Addiction, Adultery, and Abuse

And an episode of our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives:

• Episode 191: What Is Sexual Betrayal and How Can You Address It? – Sex Chat for Christian Wives

The post Why Do Marriages Fall Apart? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Last time, I addressed the issue that some wives have encountered—a husband who forces, demands, pressures, or intimidates his wife into having sex. I labeled such men “bedroom bullies,” because of the tactics they use to satisfy their own sexual desires without regard to the impact on their wife.

Before reading this post, I encourage you to read that one: You Are Not Your Husband’s Sex Toy.

Today, I want to talk about what to do if you’re married to a bedroom bully.

Before Anyone Says “But What About…?”

A few things I want to stipulate before I jump in:

• Wives can also be bedroom bullies. Husbands shouldn’t experience bullying either. But this post is aimed at wives because the vast majority of communications I’ve received on this subject have been from women. (The one husband who wrote me about his bully wife got an individualized response.)
• Ongoing sexual refusal can also be a problem. A concerned husband wrote me after my last post saying that for every bullying behavior I listed, an opposite extreme from a selfish wife could be cited. Fair enough, but none of that is the purpose of this post. If you want to know what I’ve said about refusal and sexless marriages, you can check posts here, here, and here.
• While I have a master’s degree in counseling, I’m not licensed, nor am I trained in the specific areas of addiction or trauma. If you’re dealing with such issues, I strongly encourage you to seek someone with experience and expertise to address your particular situation.

What’s Not a Bedroom Bully

Also, some attitudes and behaviors could be labeled bullying when they’re not. For example, expressing a strong desire for more frequent sex is not bullying. Nor is saying that sex should be part of marriage. A longing for variety in the bedroom is not bullying, nor is a request for a specific act.

Being asked to do something you don’t want to do does not make your spouse a bully.

But too many wives have been deluded into believing their husband is pursuing reasonable requests or marital rights when in fact he’s being coercive or abusive. That’s what I want to talk about today.

Your Body Belongs to You Too

Among the reasons given for a husband to have sex on his terms in the marriage—and thus bully to get it—are that a wife is called to submit (Ephesians 5:22) and that her body doesn’t belong to her but to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:4).

I encourage you to read those scriptures in context, but let me reiterate that Submission Doesn’t Mean Putting Up with Sexual Misbehavior. Wherever you fall on the egalitarian/complementarian spectrum, there is no doubt that a wife is not expected to fall in line with her husband’s sin.

Moreover, let’s look at 1 Corinthians 7:4 (NASB):

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Inasmuch as the wife’s body belongs to her husband, the husband’s body belongs to his wife. He doesn’t get to do anything and everything he wants with his body and hers while she has no say!

Besides, this verse isn’t about getting sex whenever and however you want it. Paul was writing to a situation in which some new Christians, specifically men, suggested that abstaining from sex would make them more spiritual. These husbands were depriving their wives of sexual intimacy, and Paul says, “Knock it off! Share your body with her.” (Loose paraphrase.) Plus, he goes on to stress the mutuality of lovemaking in marriage, making sure that each command to a husband has a parallel for the wife and vice versa. (For more on that, see Rescuing 1 Corinthians 7:4 from Abusers.)

Finally, you can’t hang everything on one text to somehow prove that a husband gets to have sex his way because he has authority over her body. Even if this verse said that—and it doesn’t—numerous other passages indicate that a wife’s body belongs to her too. Just one example is Song of Songs where the husband and wife clearly view one another as having independent desire and capacity for consent.

Marital Rights Are More Than Sexual

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 is about the inclusion of sex in marriage and mutuality between spouses. But doesn’t this passage indicate that a husband has conjugal rights? That he is owed sex in marriage?

A bedroom bully focuses on those conjugal rights to the exclusion of other rights and responsibilities in the marriage. What are those rights and responsibilities?

Well, God has long called on husbands to give their wives proper care, to remain faithful, and to avoid violence. Where that’s not displayed in a story in the Bible, it is not prescriptive (an example we should follow) but descriptive (showing human failings). The reader is expected to draw conclusions based on consequences; that is, a man reaps what he sows.

Consider also how the apostle Peter intimates that God won’t listen to the prayers of a husband who mistreats his wife:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

If God won’t grant prayer requests from your husband while he’s being dishonorable to you, why would God expect you to grant any and every sexual request from your husband while he’s being dishonorable to you?

Again, I’m all for sex in marriage. I have 10 years of blogging, five books, and three ministries to back that up! But as another well-known Parker once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Sex in marriage is important, but a spouse’s conjugal rights come with responsibilities to treat their mate with honor.

What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully? " Sex in marriage is important, but a spouse's conjugal rights come with responsibilities to treat their mate with honor." @hotholyhumorous
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So What Can You Do?

Hopefully, I’ve said something so far that convinces a sexually bullied wife that she deserves better. I took a long time to get to this section, because you likely have and may continue to experience such things from your husband as:

• Gaslighting, in which your husband challenges your perception in a way that makes you question what’s real, reasonable, and right.
• Shifting blame, in which the victim is blamed for the bullying with “if only you would/had/did A, then I wouldn’t B.” That could be something like, “If you would give sex to me the way I want, I wouldn’t have to force you” or “If you hadn’t already done this with a boyfriend, I wouldn’t make you do it with me.” (See Knowing Her Sexually Episode 34: “She Did It with a Boyfriend, So Why Not with Me?”)
• Rationalization, in which the bully believes his own lies. Narcissists and addicts are particularly given to convincing themselves what they are doing is okay through a series of rationalizations.
• Compartmentalizing, in which the bully sees sex as separate from the rest of their relationship to their spouse and/or to God and the bedroom as a place where anything that provides pleasure is fine—since it’s happening in marriage.

But let’s talk about what you can actually do to address your situation.

Embrace Boundaries

Get Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s excellent book Boundaries in Marriage. If you cannot afford it, borrow it from the library, a church, or a friend. If you can’t do that either, find articles online about establishing boundaries in relationships. You can start with their website here. I’ve also written about boundaries in the bedroom here and here.

Basically, you can and should set parameters, or boundaries, for what you will and won’t do.

Everyone sets boundaries, but spouses in healthy marriages don’t have to insist on them so firmly because they’re understood or respected once stated. If your boundaries have been repeatedly crossed, however, it’s like your fence has been damaged and needs to be rebuilt and reinforced.

In such a case, it’s good to state calmly but firmly what your boundaries are, such as:

• If you speak foul language you know I don’t like during sex, I cannot engage. I feel degraded by those words and need you to stop saying them.
• I will have vaginal intercourse, but not anal sex. If you try to have anal sex with me, I will stop altogether.
• I know that oral sex is okay and that you want it, but it’s part of the abuse I endured and I need time, space, and understanding to work through that trauma. I may have oral sex someday and may not, but you need to stop pressuring me because it’s triggering.
• I will be sleeping in the guest room until you put filtering software on your devices and get help for your pornography habit.

I should warn you that when there’s been a dysfunctional system and you change what you’re doing within it, you’ll likely get a counter-reaction from your husband. You’ve thrown a wrench in the gears, and at first the grinding might get louder and sparks might fly.

But rest assured that you are worth the effort. And if your marriage and sexual intimacy can be made better, it must begin with someone saying, “Enough. We can do better.”

Limit Sexual Interaction

That is likely the one and only time I’ve written “limit sexual interaction.” Generally, I’m trying to get spouses to have more sex in their marriage, not less. However, when you’re dealing with the three As (adultery, addiction, abuse), it may be the best course of action to declare a sex fast.

What is a sex fast? It’s a break from sex for a defined period of time, so that intimacy in the marriage can ultimately be restored. It’s like a reboot for your sex life, and a reboot involves shutting the system down, clearing certain stored data, and starting afresh. The primary reasons for a sex fast are:

• to help the sexually unhealthy spouse reset their perspective—cognitively, behaviorally, and neurochemically
• to give the betrayed spouse time to grieve and heal
• to focus on the relationship and building intimacy outside the bedroom before reintroducing sex

A sex fast is sometimes recommended for couples dealing with sexual betrayal, trauma, addiction, and compulsion. Some have said this was a crucial step in their recovery.

For those screaming that this is “depriving one another” (1 Corinthians 7:5), note that a sex fast follows the biblical prescription of taking a break “for a time” and for a higher purpose. Moreover, the Bible provided for couples to take a break from having sex now and then, primarily to protect against illness and infection.

Should you have a sex fast? And can you declare one on your own? Well, ideally this is decided in concert with a licensed counselor and includes ground rules for length of time, what happens during the fast, etc.

But a fast doesn’t have to be total either. When Daniel and his friends were called on to eat what their faith declared detestable, they engaged in a vegetables-and-water-only fast (Daniel 1). Likewise, if a wife is being called to do detestable things in the bedroom, she could limit sexual interaction to more basic activities. That’s what some might call “vanilla sex,” but as my colleague Chris Taylor has pointed out, vanilla is a flavor.

Personally, I can tell you that if my husband started forcing himself on me or treating me like a prostitute instead of his wife, sex in this marriage would stop. My husband wouldn’t get to break his covenant with me and then demand I fulfill that broken covenant with sex for him.

Get Professional Help

Please get help from someone who knows what they’re talking about in this area. Counseling from a licensed professional, particularly one with training in abuse or trauma, could be the key to getting on the right track for yourself and your marriage.

In this case, marriage counseling is not the first step. If there has already been such an imbalance of power in the relationship, that will likely carry over to the therapy environment. You wouldn’t feel free to say what needs to be said, and the bedroom bully could re-frame what’s happening as no big deal or your fault. A good therapist can see past some of that, but it’s easier to get a grip on what’s happening when s/he hears from spouses separately.

Whether or not your husband seeks counseling—and yes, he should—you should go. Talk about what’s going on, find out where you might have bought into wrong messages or pressure, learn appropriate communication and behavioral skills, and determine whether and how the marriage can be saved.

It’s Not Your Fault

There’s a powerful scene in the movie Good Will Hunting in which the therapist explains to Will that the abuse he endured as a child was not his fault. (Warning: strong language in that scene.) Although Will logically knows it’s not his fault, it takes a while for him to absorb that truth. Why was that scene poignant to so many viewers? Because when someone we love mistreats us, we tend not to blame them but ourselves.

A wife instinctively believes that a husband who loves her wouldn’t treat her so badly, so maybe it was something she did or didn’t do that caused his bullying. I want to finish this post by saying no, it’s not your fault.

I don’t know why a particular husband becomes a bedroom bully. It could be that he’s a narcissist, a sex addict, or compulsive porn user. It could be that he experienced sexual abuse in his own background and is now acting out. It could be that he embraced terrible messages about being owed sex however he wants it. It could be something else entirely. What I do know is that his bullying is about him, not you. It’s not your fault.

But you can do something to protect yourself and your marriage. God designed sexuality to be a gift, not a weapon. Pursue what God longs for you to have.

The post What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Sex is supposed to be part of a marriage. You can see what I said about that here, here, and here. However, sex isn’t just about the physical connection or release; rather, God’s design for sex involves mutual desire and pleasure, emotional security and intimacy, and continuing to live out godly virtues in the bedroom.

Yet I continue to receive messages from wives explaining how their husband insists on having sex his way—with his timing, his repertoire, and his pleasure. Oftentimes, the wife is desperately trying to be a “good wife” and meet “his needs” and doesn’t want to “deprive” him of sex in marriage.

So, once again, let me make this super-clear: You are not your husband’s sex toy. That is not God’s design or will for sexual intimacy.

You Are Not Your Husband's Sex Toy. That is not God's design or will for sexual intimacy. via @hotholyhumorous
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Is Your Husband a Bedroom Bully?

Most husbands are good-willed men who love their wives, and even those who ache for more frequent or varied sexual encounters would not force an act on their beloved. But some husbands are bullies in the bedroom—manipulating, insisting, demanding, and/or forcing their wife to engage sexually in ways that are harmful and dishonoring.

How do you if you’re married to a bedroom bully?

Your specific circumstances determine the answer to that question, but here are examples of what it looks like.

• Despite your objections, he insists on engaging in irregular sexual activities, such as BDSM, anal sex, or fetishes.
• He demands that you dress and/or present yourself in provocative ways that make you feel objectified.
• He insists on watching porn together to get ideas and/or suggests acting out what he’s seen in porn.
• Sex consistently unfolds and concludes with his pleasure, not yours—including which acts you do and who orgasms.
• He dismisses your past sexual trauma, saying you need to “get over it” and have sex / oral sex / whatever with him.
• He picks out scriptures about how you owe him sex and cites them to pressure or guilt you.

In all these situations, the husbands attempts to use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires, without regard to what impact his actions have on her.

That is how you treat a sex toy—as a tool to achieve a goal. But people are not tools, toys, or trophies. Sex isn’t about one spouse getting what they want at the expense of the other!

You Are Not Your Husband's Sex Toy: "People are not tools, toys, or trophies. Sex isn't about one spouse getting what they want at the expense of the other!" via @hotholyhumorous
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Can’t women be bedroom bullies too? Yes, a wife could also treat her husband like a sex toy, but that isn’t the focus on this post simply because I’ve gotten exactly one email describing that scenario but multiple emails about a husband way out of line. If you are a husband being sexually used by your wife, obviously that is not okay! You are not her sex toy either.

Both church and secular culture hold some responsibility for creating bedroom bullies. Without going into every situation that has caused this result, let me cover one big aspect of each.

Where Churches Have Failed

Churches are doing better overall with marriage and sex messages. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t get wrong messages or receive bad counseling or that you don’t currently attend a church that seems to have zero clue how to talk honestly and biblically about sexual intimacy.

There are plenty of myths out there, including ones from Purity Culture, long before that, and still today. But perhaps the one that has hurt the most is the idea that a husband needs sex and a wife has a duty to give it to him.

“But Marital Rights…”

Someone might ask, “Isn’t that what 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says?” No, that’s not the point of that passage.

The apostle Paul was addressing some in Corinth who suggested that if sex outside marriage wasn’t okay, wouldn’t it be best to abstain inside marriage as well? Paul responded that God intended sex to be part of marriage and spouses should be mutually engaged in physical intimacy.

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (RSV)

So yes, we have what some refer to as “marital rights.” But too often, the focus has been not on owing sex to one another or to the marriage, but a wife owing her husband.

By the way, I’ve come to really dislike the words owe and duty regarding sex. They hold some truth in the same way that a parent owes their children sustenance and affection. But doing that out of duty would obviously stink for all involved—parent and child. There’s no way that a relationship built on duty is what God desires. The better foundation is Christ-like love. For more, see Are You Owed Sex in Marriage? and/or Does Your Wife Owe You Sex?

“But He Needs Sex”

Sorry, but no husband needs sex.

Some guy just started screaming at this post, and someone(s) will likely argue in the comments that he needs it. But hear me out: You can assert that the marital relationship needs sexual intimacy to complete the one-flesh design God intends. With that, I entirely agree!

But an individual can live without sex, even in marriage. If tomorrow, my husband was unable to have sex again, I wouldn’t leave and I wouldn’t die. I’d miss sex with him a lot, but I’d still want him as my husband for all the other benefits.

Yes, going without sex for a long time can be physically uncomfortable and emotional painful (see How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels). So I’m not downplaying the deep longing higher desire spouses have! But if we constantly talk about a wife having a duty to meet her husband’s needs, the result is often to:

• Overlook that the duty is mutual (by the way, Paul mentions the wife‘s fulfillment first)
• Set up the expectation that she has a duty while he has a right
• Create anxiety and guilt for the wife who is struggling to engage sexually
• Endorse a husband’s use of pressure, demand, and intimidation to get his “needs” met
• Preclude the opportunity, now or later, for a wife to fulfill that “marital duty” willingly, lovingly, mutually

Sex for Both of You

Sex isn’t for him or her—it’s for them. As Scripture says:

So God created mankind in his own image,
  in the image of God he created them;
  male and female he created them.

Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

See also Sex Is for You Too (by Scott Means, Heaven Made Marriage) and Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too (by Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy).

Where Secular Culture Fails

Secular culture has also long pushed that idea that men need and want sex more than women do. But the bigger problem is the widespread acceptance and prevalence of porn.

Short of being raised in a cave, a shack, or mountain cabin somewhere, I don’t know how anyone reaches adulthood these days without having at least seen pornography. You no longer have to seek out porn; you have to block out porn. And its negative impact can be seen in far too many marriages.

You Are Not Your Husband's Sex Toy: "You no longer have to seek out porn; you have to block out porn. And its negative impact can be seen in far too many marriages." via @hotholyhumorous
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While there are multiple reasons that porn is a bad idea, it fosters bedroom bullying in particular ways, including:

• Cultivating a selfish, consumer perspective of sex through individual pleasure and satisfaction
• Normalizing sexual activities that might otherwise be considered fringe or deviant
• Portraying women enjoying acts that many or most women do not enjoy
• Showing violence toward women as an arousing experience

Even a man who was good-willed before might be hoodwinked into thinking that this is what the best sex looks like. He can be enticed by how sex seems exotic, adventurous, and so gratifying. It reminds me of what God said to Cain:

“If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

Genesis 4:7 (NSRV)

If a man watches porn, sin is lurking behind that door. It creates unrealistic expectations, promotes self-serving sexuality, and minimizes one’s sexual partner.

Even if the porn was not sought out or is in a husband’s past, it can still have such impact. Moreover, it doesn’t even have to be what we think of as porn. You can find such porn-like attitudes in certain shows labeled TV-MA.

Just like we have to actively block out porn, we have to actively reject these messages and embrace a view of sex as mutual and honoring the other.

You Matter More Than Sex

A few years back, Gary Thomas wrote a fantastic post titled Enough Is Enough, in which he boldly asserted that God cares about each women more than He cares about saving the marriage she’s in. Here’s one poignant statement from that post:

Church, God hates it when a woman is sexually degraded and forced to do things that disgust her.

Amen. God did not create sex so that a man can get his jollies and a woman can be victimized.

Now, that’s not to say that any marriage with a bedroom bully can’t be saved. Some husbands believe these are their rights and don’t realize the damage they’re doing. Intervention with better knowledge, understanding, and relationship skills could make a big difference! I’ve heard from husbands who changed once when they recognized the false messages they’d embraced and the harm they’d caused.

Other husbands are characterological abusers, meaning they lack empathy for others and are unlikely to change. (See Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage?)

Either way, a wife should understand that God’s plan for sex in marriage does not involve one spouse being used for the other’s satisfaction. You are not your husband’s sex toy.

I hope the wives who need to hear that can absorb this truth. You matter more than anyone’s sexual desires, needs, or rights. Read and re-read this post, think about this truth, pray for God’s wisdom, and pursue help if you need it.

Next time, however, I will try to address what to do if your situation is one in which you’ve been bullied and used in the bedroom.

The post You Are Not Your Husband’s Sex Toy appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.