It’s already February, and this is only my second post of the year! But we greeted January with illness in our house, an unusual snow and ice event (for Texas), and my husband having knee replacement surgery.

While he was in the hospital recovery room, the nurse went through discharge instructions with me. She covered things like no bathing but showers are okay, keep the dressing on until the doctor removes it at the post-op appointment, full pelvic rest so no intercourse for four weeks, follow the medication schedule as prescrib—

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” I interrupted. “You brushed right over that. Can we back up?”

She gave me a sheepish smile.

“Four weeks?” I whisper-shrieked. “I knew it would be a little bit of time, but FOUR WEEKS?!”

Good Reasons to Not Have Sex

For fifteen years, I’ve iterated and reiterated good reasons to have sex. It’s a part of marriage that helps to distinguish it from other relationships. It feels good (and if it doesn’t, please read more or my site or seek help because it’s supposed to). It yields health benefits. It can result in wonderful tiny humans that unsettle our nerves but capture our hearts forever. It builds intimacy between husband and wife. It reflects the kind of connection God (our husband) wants to have with His followers (His bride).

I’m definitely pro-sex in marriage.

But I’ve also learned that there are times when you shouldn’t be having sex. 1 Corinthians 7:5 notes that you may want to take a break to devote yourselves to prayer; that is, a sex fast on par with food fasts that God’s people have done for centuries to focus more time on God. The Old Testament also commanded a break from sexual activity during menstruation and after childbirth. We’re not under the same ritual restrictions today, but those laws show that God was in favor of a couple not having sex when one’s health was at risk.*

My husband’s knee surgery certainly counts as a health issue, but four weeks is hardly the longest we’ve gone without. We were sex-free for four months while I was carrying our second child, a high-risk pregnancy that warranted no pelvic activity to keep me from going into too-early labor. Other couples have stopped sexual encounters during cancer treatment, while experiencing chronic illness, or to address sexual pain. (If you’re having sexual pain, please listen to this podcast episode and this one.)

There’s also the emotional health aspect. Most couples should pause sexual activity while dealing with past trauma or recent betrayal. You may need time and space to process what’s happened and build greater safety before reintroducing sexual intimacy.

And if a spouse is having mental health issues—depression, anxiety, psychosis, etc.—they may need a break from sex while they tackle those issues.

Once the health issue passes, a spouse can return to the sexual relationship with greater peace, more confidence, and a higher ability to bond with their spouse.

Sexual Desire Doesn’t Go Away

Well, sexual desire might not be a pressing issue for one of you, but the other one often still feels a desire to sexually connect. Obviously, I was planning to jump my husband’s bones well before four weeks post-surgery. You may have gone through a season when sex reasonably couldn’t happen and yet felt strong urges.

It’s not surprising. Indeed, that verse mentioned above, 1 Corinthians 7:5, suggests that after a sex fast for the purpose of focused prayer, the couple come together again, in part to avoid temptation. Sure, some individuals aren’t that sex-driven, but the apostle Paul recognizes that it’s not uncommon to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Because yeah, God created us as sexual beings.

Even if the goal is a worthy one—prayer, health, relational trust—it can be difficult to wait. And wait. And wait.

When Sex Is Off the Table

So what do you do with your sexual interest when sex can’t happen? Here are a few options.

Do Other Sexual Stuff

After my protest to the discharge nurse about four weeks of no intercourse, I turned to my husband and muttered, “Well, there’s still your hand.”

Depending on why you’re not having intercourse, you might have other sexual activities open to you. Perhaps a hand job for him, manual play for her, or oral sex for either is an option. If so, savor what’s still available to you.

Rebuild Your Relationship

If no sexual stuff is happening, look at this time as an opportunity to invest in your friendship and study your spouse more deeply. Get curious about who she or he is, ask questions and listen to their answers, work on the struggles you’re facing, romance your spouse like you used to, and become the person they can turn to, trust, and rely on.

Invest in Other Forms of Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is only one type of intimacy we can have in marriage. I happen to write and speak about this particular aspect, but there’s also emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, recreational intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy that isn’t sex. Find ways to foster these bonds with your spouse. Share your heart. Talk about what you’ve read or what you’re thinking. Do fun things together. Study the Bible and/or pray together. Show affection through hand-holding, hugs, snuggling, and kissing.

Remind Yourself It’s a Season

To those spouses in truly sexless marriages, my heart aches for you (and please see my series for you). But for many couples, a time of no-sex lasts only a season. It can be endured. Reminding yourself that it won’t last forever and you will be back at it again soon can help you make it through the rough period of abstinence.

I marked the date on my planner when Spock (logical hubby’s nickname) and I can engage again. I even added a sticker that reads “Do Something Amazing!” Knowing that an amazing time will be happening helps me to hang on. You can hang on too.

Have you ever had to go without for a while?
How did you handle your no-sex season?

* Infections are more likely to occur when the cervix is open, which occurs during menstruation and for about two weeks after childbirth.

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I’ve covered many of these topics on my site, but here’s another great resource I want to tell you about: The Virtual Sex Seminar 2025.

This one-of-a-kind online marriage event is focused on helping couples like you create deeper intimacy, better communication, and a sex life you actually love.

Here’s what you’ll get:

• 25 expert-led video classes (yours to watch anytime, anywhere)
• Topics like foreplay, desire differences, roleplay, body confidence, pelvic floor health, and more
• All from the privacy of your own home
• Full-year access

And here’s the best part: With my exclusive link, you can grab your pass for just $35. That’s less than $1.50 per session!

My session is titled “The Higher Desire Handbook: Understanding Your Spouse, Clearing the Roadblocks, and Building a Better Sex Life.” I held nothing back, giving as many insights as I could about navigating the desire gap from the perspective of the higher interest spouse.

Right now, you can also get the 6-Year Bundle (2020–2025) for just $69. That includes FOUR sessions from me, plus many more hours of wisdom, laughter, and “aha!” moments—all for less than most date nights.

Ready to invest in your sex life? Click below to get your deal.

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From time to time, this common question lands in my inbox: Does penis size matter? Husbands want to know if they’re big enough or wonder if their wives secretly wish for more, while women worry whether their future husband might hurt them or privately wonder if there is something to the “bigger is better” hype.

So let’s talk about penis size—what science says, what wives experience, and what really makes for great sex in marriage.

What’s “Normal”

What is a “normal” penis size? Research has shown that the average erect penis is between 5 and 6 inches long. For a sense of that length, think between a highlighter pen and a smartphone—like a Samsung Galaxy, iPhone, or Google Pixel.

Not every man is in that average range. But according to a 2014 study, 68% of men measure between 4.5 and 5.8 inches, and 95% are in the 3.9- and 6.5-inch range. Only a small percentage of men are beyond that on either end.

By the way, flaccid penises average 3–4 inches, but you can’t tell much about an erection from looking at one. Because some men are “growers” and some are “showers”—that is, a smaller flaccid penis may expand significantly, while a larger one may not change much.

What’s Needed

Now let’s look at the second half of this equation. A woman’s vagina, when aroused, measures about 4.25 to 4.75 inches in depth. But most of the nerve endings are located in the outer third of the vagina—meaning the part closest to the entrance is the most sensitive.

As Paul Byerly of The Marriage Bed put it: “Since only the first 2 to 3 inches of the vagina has nerve endings, length has little to do with pleasing a wife during intercourse.” Going back to our numbers from the previous section, nearly all men hit that stretch of nerve endings with ease.

Bottom line: Almost every husband on the planet has more than enough to satisfy his wife.

What Wives Think

Some men believe (or fear) that women prefer larger-than-average penises. Research says otherwise.

In a 2012 study, when asked about vaginal orgasm:

• 33.8% of women preferred longer-than-average penises.
• 60% said size made no difference.
• 6.3% preferred shorter.

In other words, two-thirds didn’t think bigger was better. (By the way, that “longer-than-average” wasn’t much longer than average. We’re talking point-something, not an inch or more.)

While a longer penis might reach the so-called “G-spot,” that’s no guarantee of better pleasure—and for some women, deep thrusting can be uncomfortable or even painful. Indeed, women married to men with exceptionally large penises may need extra care, foreplay, and lubrication to make intercourse enjoyable.

Moreover, intercourse isn’t even the best way for most wives to reach orgasm! (Click HERE to learn what three actions are more likely to help her reach climax.) Yes, it feels really good to be filled up that way by a loving husband. But, with that short span of vaginal nerve endings, nearly all husbands’ penises provide that sense of fullness to their wives.

When I hear a woman complain about her man’s penis size, it’s almost always outside of marriage—casual relationships or comparisons from high promiscuity. (By the way, that study mentioned above? Survey of college students.) In committed marriages, wives are usually grateful for and content with their husband’s body. They want the man they love and appreciate pleasure and intimacy with him.

When He’s Really Big

For those worried about him being too big for her pleasure, remember that vaginas are amazingly elastic. God designed them to stretch enough for childbirth, and no penis comes close to the size of a baby’s head.

That said, arousal is key. A woman’s body needs time to relax, lubricate, and stretch before intercourse. That means foreplay isn’t optional—it’s essential. Take your time kissing, touching, and caressing. Explore her whole body, not just her genitalia. When she’s well-lubricated, somewhat swollen down there, and eager, penetration will feel far better for both of you.

And lube is your friend. Keep some on hand, because her body may not produce enough naturally. That’s not a defect; it’s just reality.

Most of all, communicate. Ask how she’s doing, check in with her, and adjust as needed. The first time may leave her sore—like she just attended “Sex Boot Camp”—but that’s normal as her body adjusts. If she experiences sharp or ongoing pain, that’s when you need to pause and see a doctor.

When He’s Really Small

For those marriages where he has a particularly small penis, let me remind you that most of the vaginal nerve endings are in the outer 2–3 inches, meaning that’s all it takes to get it done, plus a wife’s peak of pleasure (orgasm) is often achieved in other ways.

But an exceedingly small percentage (about 1.5 in 10,000 men) have what’s called a “micropenis”—that is, less than three inches. That can still be enough, but I understand if that’s a disappointing situation for a spouse. Certain positions and angles can increase sensation, and adding clitoral stimulation with fingers or oral sex can make intercourse more satisfying.

A more invasive option is a surgery called phalloplasty, but that comes with potential complications. I am NOT a physician, so if you’re interested, see a urologist and do your homework. You may want to go that route or you may decide that your size is just fine, thank you very much, and you already have plenty of ways to create pleasure and intimacy in the bedroom.

Why We Worry

A lot of the anxiety about penis size comes not from actual experience but from comparison. Pornography in particular has warped expectations, with its parade of unusually large men. Men exposed to that imagery often feel inadequate, even if they fall squarely in the normal range. Women who’ve engaged with porn (or erotica) may also have erroneous expectations for size.

Even so, surveys show that 85% of women are satisfied with their partner’s size. Yet nearly half of men wish they were bigger. In other words, men worry far more about this issue than their wives do.

The truth is, wives value confidence and connection far more than size. They’d much rather hear “I want to please you” than “Am I big enough?”

So… Does Size Matter?

Not nearly as much as men tend to think. The real truth is: Almost every penis is big enough.

What matters most is love, intimacy, and skill. Husbands, focus less on measuring yourself against others and more on making your wife feel loved, desired, and pleasured. Wives, cherish your husband for the man he is and the body God gave him.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if your husband is a Tall, Grande, or Venti—as long as he’s your favorite flavor.

“My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.”

—Song of Songs 5:10

Note
I couldn’t figure out where to put this tidbit in the post, but a recent meta-analysis of past studies suggests that penises are growing. In the last 29 years, erect penile length increased 24%. Huh.

Coming Soon! Stay Tuned…

Sources

• King, B. M. (2020). Average-Size Erect Penis: Fiction, Fact, and the Need for Counseling. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47(1), 80–89. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2020.1787279
• Rui M. Costa, Geoffrey F. Miller, Stuart Brody, Penis Size and Vaginal Orgasm, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 10, Issue 11, November 2013, Pages 2875–2876, https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12281
• Veale, D., Miles, S., Bramley, S., Muir, G., & Hodsoll, J. (2015). Am I normal? a systematic review and construction of nomograms for flaccid and erect penis length and circumference in up to 15 521 men. BJU International, 115(6), 978-986. https://doi.org/10.1111/bju.13010
• Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1966). Human sexual response. Boston: Little, Brown and Company.
• Libretexts. (2023, January 17). 26.5E: Vagina. Medicine LibreTexts. https://med.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Anatomy_and_Physiology/Anatomy_and_Physiology_(Boundless)/26%3A_The_Reproductive_System/26.5%3A_The_Female_Reproductive_System/26.5E%3A_Vagina
• Lehmiller, J. (2021, October 7). Does penis size actually affect female sexual pleasure? Sex and Psychology. https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2012/10/17/does-penis-size-actually-affect-female-sexual-pleasure/
• Hatipoğlu, N., & Kurtoğlu, S. (2013). Micropenis: Etiology, Diagnosis and Treatment Approaches. Journal of Clinical Research in Pediatric Endocrinology, 5(4), 217-223. https://doi.org/10.4274/Jcrpe.1135
• Cleveland Clinic. (2024). Phalloplasty: Procedure, risks, benefits, recovery & outlook. Cleveland Clinic Health Library. Retrieved September 4, 2025, from https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/procedures/21585-phalloplasty
• Lever, J., Frederick, D. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2006). Does size matter? Men’s and women’s views on penis size across the lifespan. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 7(3), 129–143. https://doi.org/10.1037/1524-9220.7.3.129
• Belladelli, F., Del Giudice, F., Glover, F., Mulloy, E., Muncey, W., Basran, S., Fallara, G., Pozzi, E., Montorsi, F., Salonia, A., & Eisenberg, M. L. (2023). Worldwide Temporal Trends in Penile Length: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. The World Journal Of Men’s Health, 41(4), 848–860. https://doi.org/10.5534/wjmh.220203

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I can’t tell you the number of times a spouse has contacted me to explain a challenge they’re going through with sex in their marriage and asked for insight on what to do. I don’t feel worthy of how vulnerable and trusting people have been with their stories to me over the years. And I feel the burden of wanting to give them true wisdom that results in hope, breakthroughs, and deep intimacy with their beloved.

But as often as I’m able to answer readers’ questions, I also end up referring and deferring to others with one particular recommendation occurring over and over. What is that slice of advice?

See a Healthcare Provider.

It might be the spouse who writes me or the their mate who needs to see a healthcare provider, but this step is an important one. All too often, there’s a physiological component to sexual difficulties.

Any of the following can diminish or block sexual intimacy:

• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Low testosterone
• Hormonal imbalance
• Heart disease
• Stress
• Poor diet
• Diabetes
• Chronic Illness
• Depression or Anxiety

And there are treatment options to address all of them.

Treating the physiological issue might resolve the sexual difficulties in your marriage, or that aspect might be one of several issues. But even if it’s not the core or primary issue, it’s worth addressing those impediments to sexual interest, pleasure, and satisfaction. From a healthier place, you can then take on other challenges with greater energy and focus.

Make It a Habit.

When’s the last time you had a physical? Ideally, you should have regular visits with your primary care provider to screen for issues and discuss any concerns you have. What constitutes “regular visits”?

• If you’re in your 20s or 30s and healthy, get a physical at least every 3 years.
• If you’re in your 40s and healthy, get a physical every other year.
• If you’re over 50, get a physical every year.
• If you have a preexisting condition or need another issue tracked (e.g., contraception), see your doctor every six months.

Also, be sure to get screened for common problems. Unfortunately, I could tell you a few stories of folks who did not do this and ended up with symptomatic disease that couldn’t be treated nearly as well as if it had been caught early. What are those screenings?

Mental Health Too.

My current primary care provider does a depression/anxiety screening every time I visit. But not every healthcare provider assesses mental health. And mental health often has a physiological component.

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders typically involve your brain’s chemistry, and thus affect your sexual desire and experience. If your PCP doesn’t conduct regular screenings, ask for one and/or check out an online assessment, such as the PHQ-9 or SCAARED.

Be especially aware that past or current trauma can impact sexual interest. If you’ve had adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) or adult trauma, seek help.

Your First Step Isn’t the Last.

For some couples, discovering the physiological obstacles to regular and better sex is the key to sexual intimacy in marriage. But for many, it’s the first step. You may discover a physiological cause, but other factors influence your emotional and sexual health. And some may rule out physiological causes—meaning it’s time to consider other issues.

Regardless, seeing a healthcare provider likely isn’t the last step. Even if that’s the issue, you’ll be encouraged to follow up with treatment. Others need to seek additional reasons why sex isn’t happening as well as it should be in their marriage. That could be a long or a short trip, depending on your situation, but it’s worth embarking on the journey.

Many couples have sought help—medical or otherwise—and built beautiful intimacy in their marriage that both spouses desire, enjoy, and feel grateful to have.

Take that first step TODAY.

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.

3 John 1:2 (ESV)

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A husband wrote me about premature ejaculation, and as I began to answer his email, I realized I hadn’t written about this before and should! He began by saying that he and his wife have a great sex life, but…

I am an extremely fast finisher. I tend to finish well within one minute of penetration. I am usually ready for a second round within another few minutes, however those only ever last a couple of minutes maximum as well. This is something my dear wife and I have talked about before and she has always reassured me that this is of no bother to her, and I have always made it a point to be sure that she is “satisfied” by the end of any sexual encounter. She has mentioned to me before a desire to orgasm via penetration (she thinks this may be possible for her) however I am never able to last long enough to even think about making this happen for her. Is there anything I can do to overcome this and try to provide that experience for her?

J Answers

First up, I want to high-five this husband on his attentiveness as a lover, which his wife clearly appreciates. I was reminded yet again, as I attended and spoke at an event this weekend hosted by the Intimate Covenant podcast, that the primary purpose of sexual intimacy is connection (See What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?). Pleasure certainly serves that higher purpose, but even if sex isn’t everything that we want it to be physically, it can still be amazing emotionally, relationally, and even spiritually.

While working on this or any other issue, be sure to treasure the intimacy of sex as you’ve experienced it with your beloved.

Now on to the question…

What you describe is known, of course, as premature ejaculation (PE). Many experts simply say that PE is finishing sooner than desired, but WebMD gets more specific in saying that PE is when “you have an orgasm before intercourse or less than a minute after you start.” They also add that 30-40% of men experience it as some point, so it’s a common issue. If it’s occasional, then it can be overlooked.

But you want to address the ongoing fast finishes you’re having. And there are ways to do that, from techniques to medications/creams to other aids.

First introduced by sex researchers Masters & Johnson, this common technique is prescribed to men experiencing premature ejaculation.

When you feel ready to ejaculate, stop and squeeze the frenulum of your penis, where the head meets the shaft (see diagram below), with your thumb and forefinger … or ask your wife to do it. Hold that squeeze for several seconds until you no longer need to climax then resume thrusting. Repeat as needed.

Over time, you may be able to delay ejaculation without that squeeze.

Another option is at that ready-to-come moment, simply stop all sexual activity. Freeze in place, so to speak, until that eagerness to climax subsides. Then begin activity again. Do this as often as wanted until you’re ready to finish.

Often referred to as “edging,” some suggest practicing this technique with solo masturbation first. I don’t think that’s necessary; rather, you and your wife can work together to practice this until you feel more confident that you can last longer.

Kegels are simply exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doctors often recommend Kegels to women, but they’re good for men as well. In addition to helping a man gain more control over ejaculation, this practice can increase bladder control, which—sorry to tell you—otherwise decreases with aging.

First, find the pelvic floor muscles by stopping urination halfway through or imagining that you’re trying to stop passing gas. The muscles you tense for either of those should be the right ones. Now lie on your back, tighten those muscles slowly through the count to 5, then release slowly for that same 5 count, and repeat 10 times each day.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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