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Many people like to play with words by including “sex” in them. They talk about sexpectations (one’s assumptions about sex), sexperts (apparently I’m one!), sexting (texting sexy stuff with your mate), and—of course—Sextember.

I came across a new one the other day by pure accident. I found a cute monthly budget template on Canva, an online design platform, and printed it out. Not until I saw it on paper did I notice that the curvy arrow looked like an S.

See what I mean? I know it’s not just me, because someone else in my family commented on it. Sexpenses. What exactly would those be?

What Are Sexpenses?

When I looked up the definition of expense, the most straightforward one came from the Cambridge Dictionary: “use of money, time, or effort.” In other words, what you expend to get something else. Taking it to the area of sexuality, sexpenses would be the money, time, or effort you put forth to have sex in your marriage.

But wait! Having sex isn’t enough. It should count as true sexual intimacy—that is, the kind of sex you both want, enjoy, and feel connects with one another.

You might have come into marriage with sexpectations that you shouldn’t have to expend anything to have great sex. It should come naturally as part of being with the one you love. That’s a message common in both Christian and secular circles.

But the truth is, we need to put forth money, time, and effort to create and maintain a quality sex life.

What Are You Willing to Spend?

You may believe you’re already spent plenty! What with the cost of the wedding rings, the wedding itself, and the birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts over the years; all the time you’ve spent together; and every kind word, romantic gesture, date night, and apology you’ve given. Why would you need to expend more? Shouldn’t you be rewarded with great sex after all you’ve done?

While all of those things matter—and good for you for doing them!—let’s not overlook the extras that need to happen to keep our sexy spark going. What are those extras?

More time. As we settle into marriage, we can shortchange the buildup toward a sexual encounter. But spending time on friendship, flirting, and foreplay make a real difference in the quality of what happens once we get to the bedroom.

Also, many couples don’t spend enough time making love. Not that quickies can’t be part of your sexual repertoire, but more often than not, we should devote ample time for both spouses to settle in, come to full arousal, and reach orgasm.

Finally, more time to savor the moment, basking in the afterglow, can help us feel more cherished and bonded.

More effort. It’s funny that both higher and lower desire spouses complain to me about their beloved’s lack of effort in the sexual realm. Higher desire spouses often want their mates to put forth more effort with initiating sex and showing up with enthusiasm, while lower desire spouses often wish their mates would make a bigger effort to woo, arouse, and satisfy them.

Truth is, both spouses could usually expend more effort to meet their spouse’s deep longings. It might be time to talk about what effort from your spouse would be most meaningful in creating better sexual intimacy. Maybe it’s more romance. Maybe it’s greater passion. Maybe it’s more affirmation. Maybe it’s learning other sexual skills.

I can’t say what it is for your spouse and your marriage, but there’s likely something more you could do that speaks to your beloved’s heart.

More money. You may have cringed at the thought of mixing sex and money. But hear me out. Some couples need to expend money on a visit to a healthcare provider to address sexual pain or discomfort, low testosterone (him) or vaginal dryness (her), contraceptive options, etc. Some individuals need to pay for some therapy to heal from past trauma, and couples may need counseling to tackle relational conflict or sexual desire differences. Some couples could benefit from purchasing a marital aid that makes up for a deficiency in their lovemaking (e.g., lube for dryness, a bullet vibrator for additional stimulation to finally reach orgasm).

We could all benefit from spending some money on quality resources that help us have a better sex life (yes, like the Sex Seminar mentioned above). And many of us need to set aside funds to have date nights that reconnect us emotionally so that we feel more eager to reconnect sexually as well.

Spending more money is easy for some couples, but a real struggle for others. If you’re in the latter camp, you may need to get creative about how to manage expenses or ask for help.

Can You Spend Too Much?

Of course you can spend too much. As I said early on in this post, we’re not aiming simply for more sex but genuine sexual intimacy. And if you’ve been expending a lot of time, effort, or money for your spouse to have sex that you don’t want or enjoy, then the sexual budget in your marriage is not working well.

Sadly, I’ve heard too many stories of marriages where one spouse paid all the sexpenses and the other seemed to get all the income. If that’s where you are, then the time, money, and effort you should be spending is figuring out how to disrupt that system and advocate for something better.

Making a Sexpense Sheet

Most couples, though, simply need some tweaking. We need to take stock of how things are going, where we have some deficits, and what money, time, or effort we can expend to make things better.

Maybe jot down a few ideas and share them with your spouse. Invite them to add ideas to your “sexpense sheet.” Discuss what one or two steps you can start with and get those going.

Start now, keep at it, and you may find yourself enjoying a surplus of sexual satisfaction! Wouldn’t that be worth the extra expense?

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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Empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another” (thanks, Google!), so sexual empathy would be understanding and sharing the sexual feelings of another, particularly your spouse. Yes, you can certainly do that to great effect outside the bedroom, but what about inside the bedroom? What if during a sexual encounter, you simply asked yourself this question: If I were my spouse, what would I want to see, hear, know, feel?

That question might alter your approach just enough to improve the experience for both of you!

What Would S/he Want to See?

What you each want to see during lovemaking can differ according to gender, personality, current struggles or desires, or any number of factors. So, consider your own spouse: What sights would appeal to him or her?

Wives, you may want to wear lingerie he likes or his button-down shirt with no buttons fastened. You could position yourself in bed so that your shape or erotic zones are inviting to him. You could simply turn up the lights, so that your hubby can actually see you and what’s happening. You may even be worried about what you look like during orgasm, when it’s actually an exciting sight for him (see Forget What You Look Like While Making Love).

Husbands, you may have a wife who wants a romantic setting, so you could dim the lights or use candles. She may be visually inclined, but in a different way—enjoying the view of your muscular arms or soulful eyes. She may want to be face-to-face during at least some of the lovemaking, to remind her of the binding intimacy of this act.

What Would S/he Want to Hear?

What do you hear when you’re having sex? What would your spouse want to hear? One interesting study suggests that sexual satisfaction increases when couples engage in verbal and nonverbal communication during lovemaking (see 4 Research-Based Tips for Better Sex). But it’s good to know exactly what kind of verbal and/or nonverbal communication appeals to your beloved.

Husbands, many wives want to hear reassurance that they are beautiful, desired as a whole person, and that the sex itself is about intimacy. They may also want to hear words of arousal, excitement, and sensuality—though usually more flirty than dirty. And a fair number of wives enjoy having music on during lovemaking and/or using a white noise machine so the kids won’t hear exactly what’s happening.

Wives, guys want reassurance too, especially that you desire your husband, appreciate his body, and enjoy the sexual experience. Many husbands also say they want their wives to let go and make some noise. In fact, one study suggested that men climax more easily when their sexual partner moans, groans, shrieks, etc. You shouldn’t fake that, of course, but be willing to express yourself, knowing that’s something he likes to hear.

What Would S/he Want to Know?

“What would my spouse want to know?” may seem a little vague, but it’s an important aspect. Think about what struggles you or your spouse have had regarding sex and the underlying issue, and then speak to that. For instance, does your extensive premarital sex background make her wonder if you’re comparing? Let her know you only have eyes for her. Has your lack of interest in the past made him wonder if you really want to engage in lovemaking? Let him know you want to be there.

Husbands and wives, what your spouse wants to know is specific to your situation, your background, your personality, your spiritual walk, and much more. Perhaps the best place to start is to simply ask your beloved what would make them feel safe and loved during sex.

Or you could pull out two sheets of paper, two pens or pencils, and complete the assignment for each of you to finish this question with as many answers as you can come up with: If I knew that ______, I would want and/or enjoy sex more. Then discuss your answers—calmly and respectfully—with the goal of determining how you can help your spouse know, deeply know, what they need to engage in healthy, hot, and holy sex.

What Would S/he Want to Feel?

As designed by God, sex is a feel-good experience. Husband and wife get to touch, kiss, caress, arouse, and satisfy one another in ways that may be best described as ooh la la. But that only works if you actually enjoy the sensations you’re getting.

And even if you and your spouse do enjoy them, could you increase pleasure by asking what your mate wants to feel?

Husbands, given that women have thinner skin (literally, not figuratively!), women tend to like a lighter touch, especially at the beginning of lovemaking. They also typically prefer an outer-to-inner approach; that is, starting with head, neck, hands, legs and working your way in to the breasts and vulva. Even then, an outer-to-inner path from the exterior of her vulva and eventually to her clitoris and vagina is often appreciated.

And don’t forget kissing! Kissing is a biggie for a lot of wives, and it’s one of the top three vote-getters for helping women orgasm (see These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm).

Wives, not surprisingly, men with their thicker skin (literally, not figuratively!) tend to like a firmer touch. While they also enjoy kissing and tenderness, they are often ready for you to touch their penis and/or testicles much sooner than you’d want your husband in that same area on your body. If you’re willing, you might also want to kiss or lick the head, shaft, or frenulum of his penis (see What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)). And many husbands enjoy having their perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus) stroked (see Making the Most of His Manhood).

What Do You Want to Do?

After all of that, you may answer “What do you want to do?” with “Have sex with my spouse!” But what I mean by that question is that you, as a couple, need to figure out what you want to do to make the sexual experience wonderful for both of you.

Now, none of this means that one spouse is regularly catered to over the other. Rather, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). Showing sexual empathy—putting yourself in your spouse’s place and providing what they want to see, hear, know, and/or feel—can power up your lovemaking.

Talk about it, take action, and make such actions a habit.

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