Chris Taylor and I did a Knowing Her Sexually episode on “choreplay”—that is, spouses doing household and family tasks, with the hope that their mate will be more willing to have sex. Another definition is this one:

When a woman is turned on by the sight of her husband/boyfriend/partner doing regular household chores, that she would normally be doing.

american-wife, Urban Dictionary, 2008

We got a lot of pushback from husbands! Many said it didn’t work or they were already doing a lot of chores around the house but not being treated well in the bedroom or in the relationship as a whole. Indeed, some of them might prefer another definition I saw:

When a beta male listens to the advice of others, usually of the feminine persuasion, that he should take up more household duties, chores, and menial labor from his wife in an effort to help his failing marriage likely plagued by a dead bedroom.

Donlr, Urban Dictionary, 2008

Way back in 2011, however, I wrote a post titled “Is Vacuuming Foreplay?” I’ve updated it and now share the edited version below, because I think there’s something to choreplay. But not as a transaction!!! Rather, helping your wife with her tasks deposits funds into her “love bank” and frees up time, energy, and mental focus that can be redirected to relational and sexual intimacy.

Do You See What I See?

Plenty of us have had that moment, ladies, when your husband walks in from a long day at work. One look around the house should tell your man that the next natural disaster movie could be filmed on location in your living room. Laundry has piled up to heights unseen by Sir Edmund Hillary, dinner is bubbling over the pot like the Sorcerer’s Apprentice cauldron, children are yelling creative epithets at one another, and your face has permanently frozen (as your parents promised) into an expression mirroring Edward Munch’s The Scream. 

Yet, this seemingly clueless husband walks over and (a) kisses neck; (b) grabs derrière; and/or (c) fondles breast of his frazzled wife and then suggests a sexual interlude.

What?!! Doesn’t he see what you see?

Now try Scenario #2: Hubby walks into the whirlwind home and notices his wife collapsed onto the floor praying for a break, a spa day, or—better yet—Jesus’ Second Coming. He scoops her up, gives her a non-sexual hug, and says, “Honey, it looks like you’ve had a tough day. Why don’t you take it easy for a few minutes? I’ll finish supper and take care of the kids.” 

His wife drags herself to the bedroom, locks the door, arranges three chairs in front of that door, grabs earplugs, and lies down with a wet cloth over her eyes. Meanwhile, her smart-sexy guy corrals the kids, straightens up the house, starts a load of laundry, and finishes supper. Is there any wife out there who is not sighing with satisfaction at this thought? 

Do You See Me?

I don’t know any husbands who do that all the time. It’s not fair to expect that all the time. Men have their own frazzled days, and while some clue in better than others, it doesn’t come naturally to most guys. Truth is, many men honestly don’t see the mess, the craziness, the help you need. Instead, they get home, notice your fine figure hovering near the stove, and think YES.

But listen up, hubbies: Though it’s nice to be seen and desired, what most wives want is to be fully seen in that moment—the balls they’re juggling, the stress they’re feeling, the desire they have to make and maintain a good home for the family. You can learn to look for signs of overwhelm and ask questions. And rather than telling her those things don’t matter—at all or as much as sex—you can help your wife cross off the to-dos and shut down the mental browser tabs.

Being seen, accepted, and helped by one’s husband triggers attraction for most wives. And if it involves parenting, many moms feel even more of a swoon for their hubbies. (See Why Being a Good Father Turns Your Wife On.)

You can’t approach this as a transaction, and there’s no guarantee. But it’s a fulfillment of this well-known passage:

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

While some prefer the part that says, “if two lie down together, they will keep warm,” the passage begins with, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.”

Laboring together and helping one another when we fall down—or feel like we’re failing to keep it together—can lead to a willingness to lie down together, keep warm, and even crank up the heat to sizzle.

Now I Can See You.

Long ago, I explained to my own man that it was a big turn-on when he helped me out around the house. I told him that all housework should be considered foreplay. Wave a toilet brush around the bowl, and I start to purr. Fold a load of laundry, and I begin to pant. Run the vacuum around the house for me, and I am good to go. Okay, maybe not quite, but those efforts sure make sex more likely to happen!

Women are wooed throughout the day by all the little things that contribute to making us feel valued and loved. When we feel those things, we are far more open to physical intimacy when opportunity strikes.

In contrast, when we can’t reach our bed because of the mountains of clutter and mess in the way, it’s hard to get in the mood. All many women can think about in that moment is our ever-growing list of to-dos. When hubby marks off some of our to-dos, it clears not only our list but our minds. We can concentrate better on that guy who wielded a broom moments before and find him pretty darn attractive.

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