Chris Taylor has been my colleague, podcast partner, and dear friend for several years. She began blogging not long after I did, and we engaged online and then decided to collaborate with two podcasts, Sex Chat for Christian Wives and Knowing Her Sexually. Her resources are top-notch, and her friendship has been an absolute treasure to me.

So, when her husband decided to have a major surgery to address some health issues he’d been dealing with, I was glad he was taking that step. Chris and ” Big Guy,” as she called him, deserved to have many more years together. Unfortunately, he wasn’t recovering after the surgery, so they eventually had to take him back to the hospital. Things had looked grim, but he was improving and expected to be okay in a few weeks or months.

That all changed the day after Thanksgiving. Big Guy experienced multiple cardiac arrests and could not be resuscitated. He died on Friday morning, November 24.

Farewell, Big Guy

Chris and Doug Taylor were married for 32 years and have three grown children and one grandchild. Sadly, I never met him. But I knew a lot about him! Chris and I have shared a lot about our lives with each other, from major goals to minor details. And most of what Chris wanted for her life involved her husband. Even if he did drive her a little nuts at times, she loved him deeply. And she loved telling the story of how they turned their marriage around from distant and contentious to close and supportive.

Doug was especially supportive of Chris’s marriage ministry. He supported her retiring from teaching to pursue this passion more fully, he cheered her efforts and successes, and he even appeared on three early episodes of Sex Chat for Christian Wives with a few other husbands to discuss the importance of sex, a wife’s beauty, and men’s sexuality. Without Doug Taylor, The Forgiven Wife, Honeycomb & Spice, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, and Knowing Her Sexually wouldn’t have happened. Their marriage was her inspiration, and he encouraged her ministries.

To say he’ll be missed is an understatement. He leaves a gaping hole in the lives of those who knew and loved him.

Sending Your Condolences

So many of my readers also know and appreciate Chris Taylor and her ministry. If you want to share your heartfelt sympathy, feel free to comment below and I’ll gather your messages and share them with her at the proper time.

But as you might imagine, Doug’s unexpected death also drastically disrupts the family’s financial situation, right when they have additional expenses. To help Chris get through this trying time, the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association has put together a GoFundMe. If you can help out in any way, large or small, just click below to head to that page and donate.

If you want to know more about Doug Taylor, aka Big Guy, here are a couple of relevant posts from Chris’s first blog:

• Interview with Big Guy | The Forgiven Wife
• 27 Things I Love About Being Married to Big Guy | The Forgiven Wife

The post Saying Goodbye to a Dear Friend’s Husband (and a #GivingTuesday Request) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Several times over, we’ve discussed on our podcast Sex Chat for Christian Wives the importance of building and maintaining a friendship with your spouse. Since true sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, you want it to be with someone you feel fully connected to and trust.

Since true sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, you want it to be with someone you feel fully connected to and trust. #marriage
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For some marriages that means building the relationship first…but is that always true?

This post presumes two good-willed spouses. If you’re in an abusive or destructive marriage or dealing with the fallout of adultery or pornography use, you have every reason not to engage in sex with your spouse unless and until other issues are worked out. Please get help!

The Chicken or Egg Argument

The common advice is that if you want wonderful intimacy in the marital bedroom, invest in your relationship with your spouse. Building your connection outside the bedroom can lead to better connection inside the bedroom.

That’s true, but in my own marriage, the reverse was also true. That is, our connection in the bedroom helped us weather our relationship difficulties, hang in there, and become more connected outside the bedroom.

I’m not alone. Friend and fellow podcaster Chris Taylor has shared that working on the sexual intimacy in her marriage provided several unexpected benefits, including:

I expected our sex life to improve—but I didn’t expect our ability to communicate to improve, or our enjoyment of non-sexual time together, or the overall intimacy that grew. I had no idea that sex had anything to do with all that other stuff. Turns out it does.

Unexpected Benefits: 10 Years of Growth | The Forgiven Wife

And a reader of my blog shared her own story—how she and her husband tackled the sex area of their marriage first, talking honestly and making that a priority. “The funny thing is, when THAT area of our life returned to what, I believe, God intended it to be, everything else in our marriage came together, as well. We communicate better, we laugh more and we talk more openly.”

Maybe it’s the chicken or egg dilemma: Which came first—the chicken or the egg? Better friendship or better sex? Well, whichever one you start with, you might end up getting the other.

A Different Perspective

Understandably, we don’t feel like having sex with a spouse to whom we don’t feel close. I get that. I’ve been there. However, bear with me a moment while I throw out a different perspective.

Higher drive spouses tend to feel more connected to their mates after lovemaking. It’s easier for them to engage in affection, romance, and more when they feel secure in the sexual intimacy. I’m not saying that should be a demand made by any HD spouse. Of course not!

However, positive benefits of sex can include:

• feeling desired and valuable
• lowered cortisol, the “stress hormone”
• relief of pain
• wash of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” that makes us feel connected to our mate
• rush of adrenaline
• sense of closeness
• dopamine, the “reward hormone” that gives us a psychological pat on the back
• lowered blood pressure
• state of relaxation

Having all that happening could help your spouse feel more interested and able to work on relationship issues, pursue friendship activities, and connect more profoundly with you.

You might also feel those benefits yourself and find the motivation you need and want to pursue a better relationship. Sex is definitely not just for your spouse! It’s for you too. But if it’s not as strong a desire for you, you may not fully understand how having more and better sex could provide emotional and relationship reassurance to your spouse.

Sex and Friendship Form a Loop

Ideally, investing in the relationship makes you desire sex more, and investing in sex makes you desire relationship more, and then investing in the relationship… And so on and so on.

Now I don’t think having great sex can salvage a sinking marriage. But great sex could encourage you to work on the relationship.

Want a great marriage? Put yourself into ALL of it—both sex and friendship:

• Foster the friendship.
• Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it.
• Deal with tricky issues like finances, in-laws, and child rearing.
• Practice the Fruit of the Spirit with your spouse.
• Pray for your spouse and your relationship.
• Work on having and improving sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Don’t wait for everything in your relationship to be perfect before you commit to having the marital intimacy God intended for you two to enjoy. Start today.

This post includes Amazon Associate affiliate links.

The post Must a Better Friendship Come Before Better Sex? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But it’s a bit different in the internet age, in that I met Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife through blogging channels and got to know her through comments and Facebook messages. Together, we then hatched the idea of a roundtable podcast, invited Gaye of Calm.Healthy.Sexy. and Bonny of OysterBed7 to join us, and deepened our connection through Skype chats and podcast recordings. We finally got together in person last fall and did it again this past April.

What really seals our friendship is our similar personalities and shared mission to promote godly, intimate, and satisfying sex in marriages. So what a pleasure today to have my good friend Chris with us to share her thoughts on the secret sex lives of real wives. Take it away, Chris!

The Bible very clearly tells us that God created men and women differently.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

Not only do men’s and women’s bodies look different, their sexual response is different too.

I’m going to let you in on a secret about that.

This is God’s design.

A Male Paradigm

Our differences are part of God’s design—yet we seem to think our sexuality and sexual response should work the same way in either sex. More often than not, we look at male sexuality and assume it should be like that for all of us, women included.

This male paradigm of sexual response tells us several things:

• Orgasm is reached after only a few minutes of sexual stimulation.
• Even if you’re tired or stressed, sex should be easy.
• Intercourse is the way to have an orgasm.

For most men (not all), this is pretty much the way sexual response works.

For women? Not so much.

What About Women?

For most women, sexuality looks very different from what we see in men—but far too often this is such a secret that we ourselves don’t know how our sexual response works.

We learn about sex from our parents, our schools, our churches, and popular culture.

We’re taught about how our bodies will change during puberty. We may learn the basics of sexual mechanics (although even that instruction presumes that arousal has already taken place). Some of us have learned from our churches that boys think about sex a lot.

It’s rare to find a woman who arrives at adulthood with information about female sexual response.

It’s rare to find a woman who arrives at adulthood with information about female sexual response. – Chris Taylor via @hotholyhumorous
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Without accurate information about women’s sexuality, we assume that our sexual response should look like a man’s—and when it doesn’t, we easily can feel defective or broken or think it means we have a low sex drive or sexual dysfunction.

A woman’s sexual response has nothing to do with whether she has more or less sexual interest than her husband does. A wife with a higher drive than her husband has a female sexual response, just as a lower-drive woman does.

On our podcast, we’ve often talked about how sad it is that we were married and sexual for so long without understanding our own sexual response. I’ve heard from many women who’ve read my blog and say how relieved they are to learn that they are completely normal.

Secrets of Female Sexuality (and Tips for Husbands)

Female sexuality is shrouded in mystery—and it shouldn’t be. Today I’m going to lift the veil and reveal some things that shouldn’t be secret at all.

Unfortunately, our husbands might be even more in the dark as we are about our sexuality. So for each of the secrets below, I want to include a tip to help husbands make the most of that aspect of female sexual response.

1. Orgasm requires time.

Women require an average of 20 minutes to reach climax, which means that although some women need less time, some will need quite a bit more.

Instead of thinking it is taking you a long time, tell yourself that it takes how much time it takes—and that your sexual pleasure is worthy of both your time and your husband’s.

Tip for husbands

In Song of Songs 6:2-3, we see a husband who takes his time browsing in his wife’s garden. So guys? Take your time to browse. Slow waaaaaaayyyyyyy down. (See J’s The One Sex Tip I Give Husbands Over and Over.) Don’t be in a rush to get to a happy ending. Enjoy the journey of your wife’s body.

2. Sexuality is contextual.

Research into women’s sexual desire and response* shows that women are influenced by many factors that seem to have nothing to do with sex: their emotional state, current life stresses, dysfunction in her family of origin, physical and mental health, self-image, general level of intimacy and connection in non-sexual aspects of her relationship with her husband, and more.

So ladies? Take care of that context. Tend to your health. Learn to deal with stress. Work on intimacy outside the bedroom. Taking care of yourself helps your sex life.

Tip for husbands

Make it easier for your wife to take care of herself. Take on some of the mental and physical responsibilities of caring for your home and children. Create space for her to do things that help her feel good about herself. Encourage her to seek healing of old emotional wounds. Be intentional about fostering non-sexual intimacy in your marriage. The Bible tells you in 1 Peter 3:7 to live with your wife in an understanding way. Let that understanding come with support and encouragement.

3. Intercourse is not the most effective means to reach orgasm.

Only about 30% of women achieve climax through intercourse. Most women find that manual or oral stimulation have the best chance for leading to orgasm.

Many couples find that it works best for her to experience orgasm in some way first. Then they proceed to intercourse and his orgasm. Talk with your husband about what kinds of touching and kissing you like, and when. If you like to be aroused through kissing and your husband’s hands first and then proceed to oral sex, be sure to communicate that to your husband.

Tip for husbands

Learn the kinds of touch that are most helpful and pleasurable for your wife. Be sure to check out this great post at Awaken Love about how to touch your wife.

No More Secrets

Women, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Our sexuality works the way it does because God created us in this way.

If it takes you a while to achieve climax, if you find that you are easily affected by other things in your life, or if you need something other than intercourse to help you experience an orgasm, know this:

You are not broken. You are not lesser than. You are not defective or dysfunctional.

The secret is out: You are a woman.

To learn more about your sexual response, check out the upcoming Sex Chat for Christian Wives webinar series. Two of our webinars about your sexual response—one webinar for you and one for your husband.

If you’d like to talk with other women about women’s sexual desire and response, I’d love to have you join my new Honeycomb & Spice community for Christian wives.

Chris Taylor encourages women to enjoy sexual intimacy in their marriages at The Forgiven Wife, on the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, and in the Honeycomb & Spice community for Christian wives.

She lives with her husband in southeastern Wisconsin where she enjoys Wisconsin weather even in the winter.

Sources:
*Basson, R., et al. (2003). Definitions of women’s sexual dysfunction reconsidered: advocating expansion and revision. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 24, 221-229.
Basson, R. (2002). Women’s sexual desire—disordered or misunderstood? Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 17-28.
Brotto., L., Heiman, J., & Tolman, D. (2009). Narratives of desire in mid-age women with and without arousal difficulties. Journal of Sex Research, 46 (5), 387-398.
Goldhammer, D., & McCabe, M. (2011). A qualititative exploration of the meaning and experience of sexual desire among partnered women. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 20 (1-2), 19-29.

The post The Secret Sex Lives of Real Wives appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Anyway, I didn’t get my blog post written this week. But that’s okay because it gives me an opportunity to extend a last-minute invitation to wives to join a study being run by my close friend and fellow marriage blogger, Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife.

Here’s what she says:

I am leading an online study of the book Passion Pursuit, by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery.

Passion Pursuit is for Christian wives in generally healthy marriages. If you are in marriage that involves on-going unrepentant sin (such as abuse, porn addiction, or infidelity), you are better off seeking professional or pastoral counseling to address those issues.

If you are a Christian wife who wants to learn God’s truth about sex and pursue sexual passion in marriage, this study is for you! 

To read more about it and sign up (now because the deadline is tomorrow), head over to her post HERE.

The post Last-Minute Invite to Sexual Intimacy Study appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

At first, I thought: Really? You didn’t know? Because this is the header on my Facebook page:

Then I thought about how often I scan stuff or don’t recall what I’ve seen. Not to mention that I’ve heard about a gazillion times that people need to see something repeatedly to remember it. I admitted that my fairly new podcast could have easily gotten lost among the noise of life.

So I wanted to make it easy for y’all, in case you haven’t listened yet. Below are links to all the episodes we’ve done. And by we, I mean this group of ladies:

It’s not my podcast. It’s a podcast in which four marriage and sex bloggers — me, Bonny Burns of OysterBed7, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy., and Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife — sit around a virtual kitchen table and discuss various topics. You’ll see the span of stuff we’ve covered so far below.

1. Episode 1: Getting in the Mood – We launch our podcast with a conversation about getting your mind and body ready for sexual intimacy
2. Episode 2: Sex Positions – Going beyond the missionary position, we talk about how and why to try new positions
3. Episode 3: 50 Shades of Here-We-Go-Again – With the release of the second movie in the Fifty Shades series, we talk about this phenomenon and what wives should know
4. Episode 4: Stress & Sex – Stress impacts our ability to engage in sex in marriage, so we discuss realistic ways of dealing with this obstacle
5. Episode 5: Sex Scheduling – We talk about putting sex on your calendar, whether and how you should do it, and what benefits it might have
6. Episode 6: Women’s Sexual Response – Discussing how our sexual response really works and what many people misunderstand about female arousal
7. Episode 7: Exercise and Sex – Talking about why exercising is important for your sex life, not to mention your health and wellbeing
8. Episode 8: Sex Toys – Covering what benefits, drawbacks, and concerns are involved with the use of sex toys
9. Episode 9: Listener Questions –  Chris, Bonny, and Gaye answer questions about honoring feelings, multiple orgasms, and erectile dysfunction
10. Episode 10: Tending Your Garden – We talk about taking care of your “garden,” aka your lady parts; hygiene, grooming, and decorating
11. Episode 11: Introducing the Podcast Team – Digging deeper into who we are and why we do what we do
12. Episode 12: Guy Talk – The Importance of Sex – Chris interviews men from the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association core team, and we comment afterward about their male perspective
13. Episode 13: Mismatched Sex Drives – We chat about the challenge of differences in sex drives and how to handle the mismatch

And tomorrow, look for a new episode with more Guy Talk.

I’m planning to add a fourth day to my blog every other week, in which I share the new episode so that you won’t miss it! But the best way to make sure you are plugged into our (fabulous) podcast is to subscribe to new posts through our RSS feed, and/or find us on your favorite podcast provider. We’re on iTunes, iHeart, Stitcher, and more. I personally listen to podcasts on the Pocket Casts app, and I had no trouble finding Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

Now and then, we encounter some audio issues, because (1) we’re recording the episode via Skype phone call and (2) we are not audio engineers. But we have purchased better equipment, continue working on our editing skills, and try to provide the best episodes we can. Regardless, we believe our content is absolutely worth your time.

We’d love for you to listen, leave a review on iTunes or other podcast provider sites, and share our podcast with others. We want to spread the message about God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage and address the challenges we wives face in embracing that gift fully.

Also, as someone recently said to us, “it sounds like y’all have fun.” We really do. We enjoy one another, our conversations, and the experience of inviting other wives to slide their own chair up to the virtual kitchen table and listen in.

The post Don’t Have Time to Read about Sex? Then Listen. appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.