Welcome to another monthly roundup of marriage and sex resources with links to recent posts, as well as:

• podcast episodes with Knowing Her Sexually and Sex Chat for Christian Wives
• my monthly post over at KHS Ministry (for husbands)
• any new resources I’m involved in (from online seminars to new site store products)
• resources and products I can recommend for your marriage and sex life
• news and events I need or want to share with y’all
• biblical inspiration for the upcoming month

Scroll through to find what you might have missed or your next great resource for marriage.

This Month on the Blog

Quick note: I’m trying to blog twice a week, but sometimes I only get one blog post out.

From Sex Chat for Christian Wives Podcast

• Episode 101: Enjoying Sex, with Joyce Penner
• Episode 102: What You Need to Know About Sex
• Episode 103: Take Time to Titivate

From Knowing Her Sexually Podcast

• Episode 26: What “Take It Slow” Means to Her
• Episode 27: Does My Wife Think I’m Hot?

My Post at KHS Ministry

Click the image below to read.

A Few Great Reads Elsewhere

• I’m in love with my podcast partner Gaye’s Healthy Life Toolbox series. I have felt seen, called out, and encouraged! Here’s a particularly great one: Decide What You Really Deserve – Healthy Life Toolbox, Tool #11 – Calm.Healthy.Sexy. (By the way, Gaye has also pointed out that Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too).
• Some great thoughts about sexual release vs. sexual relationship in marriage in this guest post from Juli Slattery: Stop Hooking Up In Your Marriage  | Shaunti Feldhahn.
• How does the security of your marriage relate to your words? I wrote it about it this past month, but here’s another excellent post on that topic: The Importance of Encouraging Words – Fierce Marriage.

Also, to the WIVES, please help Chris Taylor of Honeycomb & Spice learn more about chronic illness & sex. You can visit her post about it below or just take the survey at: https://tinyurl.com/chronic-survey

Recommended Resources & Products

I’ve often mentioned Christian Friendly Sex Positions as a good resource for positions tastefully drawn yet well displayed and described. But it can be rather unwieldy to lie in bed with your spouse searching through their database. Hey, CFSPs just launched a deck of physical cards with 52 of their most popular positions! It comes in a blank box, so no one but you and your beloved will know what’s inside, and cards include QR codes that you can scan to find the online instructions. (affiliate link)

I wrote a whole post about this product, but I just have to say again: what a smart idea! Ladies, if you want to do Kegels right and in a way that’s actually fun, check out the Perifit pelvic floor exerciser. (And no, this is not a sex toy, but a device for women’s health.)

What J’s Up to These Days

These days, I’m down more than up. Meaning I sleep way more than I used to, but it is what it is. I’m in a season of rest.

• My battle with chronic illness continues, with several doctor appointments lined up and ongoing investigation to answer the question: What is wrong with me? (I mean, beyond my fun craziness. ~wink~) No certain answer yet, but I found an app that helps me track symptoms. In case it helps someone else, the app is Bearable.
• My TBR (to be read) pile is quite large, but sadly it’s been difficult for me to read anything longer than a few pages. I’ve been keeping up with my field through online articles—often read to me with the text-to-speech function—and audio/video content. All of which reminds me that I really need to get my own books into audio!
• Spock and I recently took a short driving date outside Houston to soak up the beauty of Texas wildflowers. Unfortunately, the flowers were in short supply. Some have wondered if Snowmaggedon (our rare snowstorm in mid-February) impacted their growth, but Texas Parks & Wildlife says the flowers should still blossom, though more in April. We hope to take another drive soon and verify that “the sage in bloom is like perfume, deep in the heart of Texas.” (It is.)

Biblical Inspiration for the Coming Month

How do we read the Bible? That is, a lot of us “read” the Bible by seeing and sharing verses or short passages. While time doesn’t always permit, I now try to open up my Bible where the excerpt appears and scan the context. Sometimes, it’s an eye-opener to see the verses that come before or after what was cited.

For instance, we love to share Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

That sounds great, God! Let’s do that.

But if you read the whole chapter, that verse appears in a section telling the Israelites to hang out in Babylonian captivity for a while yet. Wait a minute—I didn’t know CAPTIVITY was part of this deal!

My point is that we want to rest on all of God’s amazing salvation promises, and they are true! He loves us so much and wants the best for us. But sometimes we have to hang out for a while, doing the best we can and finding contentment in an imperfect situation.

If your marriage or sex life isn’t everything you know God wants it to be yet, don’t give up hope. But also don’t demand a miracle from God by tomorrow.

His plan may unfold more slowly, but incremental improvements are often the ones that become permanent and teach us gratitude for both the result and the journey.

The post Resource Roundup: March 2021 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

This spawned an interesting conversation among several of us in which we posited why someone might do this, and what other aspects of our devices can be distracting — like the screen light flashing on or off.

Then I jokingly challenged the fabulous author of the site Christian Friendly Sex Positions, who also provides the illustrations for the Ultimate Intimacy app, to come up with device-friendly positions for those who just don’t think the notification can wait.

And wouldn’t you know it? He rose to the challenge! So peppered throughout this post are his illustrations, and you’ll just have to keep reading to see them all. (Yes, please read my words interspersed between his illustrations. Tempting as it may be to just scroll… )

Good reasons to check your phone

You can read more about the research Stu mentioned here, but I contend there actually are some good reasons to check your phone during sex. For instance:

• Your driving-age child is on the road and is supposed to text when he arrives at his destination. A mama’s mind might relax and enjoy the sex more once she’s checked that notification and knows her family is safe.
• You’re referencing the Christian Friendly Sex Positions website, Ultimate Intimacy App, or — best of all — your ebook copy of Hot, Holy & Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design for ideas and instructions.
• You forgot to turn off the volume, so when it sounds at that inopportune moment, you reach over to mute any further notifications.

Not-so-good reasons to check your phone

Your team is playing.

This is your alma mater. Your fantasy football picks are riding on the outcome. C’mon, it’s the World Cup! The last time you ignored a game, the other team won — so clearly, you’re the lucky charm.

I can just hear her saying, “Why did you pause? Is that clicking I hear? Wait, what are you doing back there!” Not your best move, guys.

That two to three-hour game can be put on hold for a period of time to give full attention to your spouse, showing your beloved that you value them ahead of all but God. Even ahead of … gasp! … sports.

Exception: Your team is the Astros playing in the World Series. At least, that’s an exception in my Houston area, in which case sex might look more like this:

Your social media site pinged you.

Did you know that FOMO is an actual word? It’s an anagram that stands for Fear Of Missing Out and is described by Oxford Dictionaries as “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on social media.”

Thankfully, very few are actually addicted to social media, but plenty of people have created habits whereby they check their social media sites so often that it disrupts other real-life activities. Like … for example … SEX.

I’ll let you in on a little secret about social media. It’s like a soap opera: You can miss a day, jump back in, and catch up really quick. If there’s a huge event, they’ll still be talking about it when your lovemaking session is done. And there’s this neat feature whereby you can scroll backward to see anything you missed!

Ignore the phone and instead give yourself and your spouse reasons to ? , , and ? your sexual encounter.

A news story just popped up.

The news cycle is down to minute-by-minute, and if you don’t know what’s happening in the world, what kind of citizen are you? Not to mention that the universe yearns to hear your opinions on every latest political event — meaning you must stay on top of the news feed.

Consider this a public service. I’ll summarize the news for you: The United States Congress thought about doing something, but didn’t. Your taxes are too high, and your services for that money are too low. The Middle East is in conflict. People in countries we cannot pronounce and/or locate on a map are engaged in war, famine, or hardship. Someone’s secret sins were discovered, and now they will either pay for it, use the shameful revelation to get a book deal, or both. A woman somewhere, somehow made a fashion faux pas that will give the media something to talk about for the hours they might otherwise use to cover something else just as trivial.

Okay, that’s not quite as detailed as you might like, but it should be enough to get you through your next sexual rendezvous without checking your phone. If you do decide to look at the screen, consider yourself unfair and imbalanced.

Family or close friends are trying to reach you.

“But if I don’t reply, she’ll just keep texting,” you say. After all, this is the person who:

• nursed you back to health after your last surgery
• was your best friend throughout college
• shared a room with you throughout childhood
• gave you life!

How can you ignore the people you love? And besides, it will only take a moment to type out: “Yes, I’m fine. TTYL.”

Again, unless it’s a matter of life-or-death — like your driving-age child is on the road or your parent is dying — it really can wait. If your friends and family cannot be put on hold for the time it takes to give full intimate attention to your spouse, you need to reflect back on those vows you took to put your beloved ahead of all others. (Excepting God, of course.)

In short, leave and cleave, baby! Leave. And. Cleave.

Because Siri is secretly your best friend.

Or Alexa. Or Bixby. Whatever device you have, I understand feeling like it’s an extension of your right arm. My husband and I went on a date recently, and I forgot my phone. He was shocked: “You’re never without your phone.” Well, not never, I wanted to answer. But he had a point in that I now choose pants, shorts, skirts, and even robes that have pockets so I’ll have a spot to hold my phone while I walk around. And I wear headphones like a necklace.

But seriously, the following is not cool.

Can you imagine the Song of Songs couple saying:

He
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves.

She
How handsome you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

He
Hold that thought — our phones are pinging!

(Song of Songs 1:15-16.)

Set the phone side, turn off the notifications, and focus on your beloved. Remember: I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for… his phone? No. It’s “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10).

The good news about the 10% who check their phone during sex … is that 90% of us don’t. If you’ve interrupted sex for the sake of your mobile device or been tempted, however, you might want to consider how to keep that from happening again. Make a habit of setting the phone aside, turning of off the volume, and giving sex with your spouse your full attention.

The post Do You Check Your Phone During Sex? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I have a question that I would love to get your thoughts on: Is it “OK” for a Christian woman to go to secular websites (such as Cosmo) for sex tips? I do this every so often to find new positions/foreplay ideas/etc. Obviously, there is a ton of trashy/sinful stuff that goes against God’s Word (porn, threesomes, etc.) and I bypass this. As for sex positions, they are obscure drawings…..but is that considered “pornographic material?” I don’t feel like I’m going against my conscience in looking at these sites, but to be honest, I would feel awkward telling my girlfriends (or even my husband) that I do, I guess because Cosmo has a rep for being trashy. But, are there Cosmo-type Christian sites to get ideas?? Yours is the closest thing I’ve found (for which I’m grateful! As is my husband. ;). But it’s not as detailed as what I can find on secular sites. Anyways, I’m interested to hear your opinion!

While standing in the grocery store line, I sometimes pick up the latest issue of Cosmo magazine and flip over to an article titled something like “14 New Ways to Drive Your Lover Wild!” or “Do These 3 Things for a Stronger Orgasm!”  Am I looking for ideas? Not really. I’m just curious what they have to say.

But to gather ideas, I have looked through secular sources like books in used bookstores, articles from websites unaffiliated with Christianity, and studies conducted by state universities and research labs. Even if they don’t share my values, they can have useful information.

You can guess my general answer based on what I do, but the complete perspective requires some clarification. (Please read to the end, because the most important conclusions are at the bottom!)

Lay a strong foundation. At one point in my life looking at Cosmo magazine articles on sex would have been a very bad idea, because I didn’t have a godly view of sexuality. You need spiritual maturity to keep your Christian perspective intact while looking through secular sources — that is, a strong foundation.

In Ephesians, the apostle Paul speaks of the importance of God’s people being fully equipped so that “we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming” (4:14). But I suspect more Christians believe they’re mature enough than really are. 1 Corinthians 10:12 always warns: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” Apparently, people can think they’re standing firm, and still be susceptible to falling into temptation.

I can’t tell you when your foundation is strong enough. But I do know what it feels like. I can actually look at more now because I mentally blow off anything that falls short of the beautiful lovemaking I’ve experienced that matches God’s design. At the same time, I’m less interested in looking at anything that wanders from His truth, because it feels like a waste of time. Maybe that’s a paradox, but it’s one way I know that my foundation is solid. And I think that’s the place to start.

Exercise your filter. It’s impossible to avoid all stimuli that contrast with our worldview. Every day, we have to be able to sort through all the messages and choose what’s good and true … while discarding the lies and temptation that Satan wants to put in our path. It’s smart that the reader said, “Obviously, there is a ton of trashy/sinful stuff that goes against God’s Word (porn, threesomes, etc.) and I bypass this.”

Some secular sources have good information we can access and use, as long as we use discretion and wisdom. For some time, the best sexual position site I’d found was a secular, UK-based site that had some too-revealing images on certain pages but their positions section had tastefully drawn images and excellent descriptions. So I made the conscious effort to avoid anything untoward on their website while accessing the areas that met my moral standards.

In fact, my sharing an article or post on social media doesn’t mean I agree with everything on a website. I’m presuming my smart readers will check out the article or post, but filter through anything else on that site that might not agree with biblical teaching. As Proverbs 2:9-11 says, “Then you will understand what is right and just and fair — every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.”

Know your weaknesses. I don’t keep candy bars in my house. It’s just a very bad plan, because I know how quickly I can devour chocolate if it’s easily within reach. I don’t have a poor foundation of health, nor would I only eat chocolate and avoid broccoli. But it’s a weakness … so I’m better not to plant that temptation in my house.

I don’t know what, if any, weaknesses you have regarding sexuality. But if something appeals to or arouses you that you know isn’t good for you, you’d be far better to avoid it. Which might mean flipping past an article or images or simply putting the Cosmo back on the shelf.

So take stock and ask yourself honestly, deeply, mercilessly whether there’s something you shouldn’t expose yourself to. If something would turn your thoughts away from your husband or God’s design for your sexual intimacy, maybe you should pass over that resource. Just know your weaknesses going in.

Seek better resources. At one time there was a scarcity of quality sources regarding Christian sexuality. But that’s changed! Yes, we still have strides to take in discussing this topic more in churches and small groups and friend circles. But as for articles, books, podcasts, video classes, etc., I can name a lot of current sources. I have a books I recommend page you can check out. And HEY, I wrote a whole book with lots of how-tos, all from a Christian perspective, and you can find it online and in many Barnes & Noble bookstores: Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

Remember how I mentioned that secular website where I accessed a positions section? That was years ago, and now there’s Christian Friendly Sex Positions. So why go to a site with lots of stuff I don’t agree with when there’s another website that provides all that information from a biblical perspective? New Christian resources arrive all the time, including Awaken Love’s recent video class launch that gets pretty specific.

Also, you need to think about who you’re supporting. Cosmopolitan‘s cover price is $3.99. I personally don’t want to put that money into the pockets of people who shove cleavage and sensational headlines at me and everyone else every single month. Especially when $4.99 will get me an ebook of Sheila Gregoire’s 31 Days to Great Sex or some other Christian resource. So if you’re actually purchasing the magazine, think about whether that’s really where you want your hard-earned money to go.

So can you get sex tips from Cosmo? Yes, I think you can. But whether you should depends on several factors, and it’s best to make spiritually sound resources your initial go-tos. On that note, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has been doing a series highlighting marriage blogs and has a blogs and websites page listing quite a few resources.

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