Can a book really change your life? For faithful Christians, the answer is a resounding YES! We’ve seen and experienced the significance of God’s Word in our lives and others. It’s not the words themselves, but what they reveal about our God and His relationship with us.

With the caveat that nothing I name will have the impact of the Bible, I recently mulled over which books have motivated me to change something about my perspective, myself, or my life.

Here are the standouts over the years—those books I read that I can point directly to as causing a specific change in my life. (Listed in no particular order.) You might be surprised by what’s on my list!

Note: Amazon links are affiliates, through which I get a small commission. Your price, however, does not change.

1. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

I read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People maybe 30 years ago, and I still refer back to the principles quite often as I consider how to approach my career and relationships. Among the principles that have stuck with me:

Seek first to understand, then to be understood
Begin with the end in mind
Think win-win

You can see how those also apply in marriage!

And they align well with Christian commands, like honoring others above yourself and focusing on what matters most.

2. You Just Don’t Understand

Not everything is explained by gender. It’s typically less than we think—with personality, character, and life experiences playing a big role too.

However, gender distinctions have been routinely noted in social research, and in You Just Don’t Understand, linguist Deborah Tannen explains what she discovered about how men and women communicate.

I’ve come back to her points time and time again, often reminding myself that I cannot expect my husband to communicate the way I do. I have to consider his maleness, along with those other aspects I mentioned, and work on building greater understanding and intimacy. Thankfully, my husband read the book too, so he knows he has to attend to my communication style as well.

3. The Millionaire Next Door

You can find great resources about managing your finances, from Financial Peace to Crown Financial Ministries to Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s latest book, Thriving in Love and Money: 5 Game-Changing Insights about Your Relationship, Your Money, and Yourself.

But it was while listening to The Millionaire Next Door audiobook that it sank in how my husband and I could live under our means and become more financially secure. The authors laid out habits of people who become millionaires, and their insights informed how I approached spending and saving going forward.

Indeed, our financial stewardship has allowed me to do this ministry for as long as I have. (Believe me, HHH has not made me a millionaire. Not even close. )

Since money is one of the top reasons for marital conflict, it’s worth finding a resource about handling money that will help you get on the same page.

4. The Omnivore’s Dilemma

The Omnivore’s Dilemma is a book about what we eat and why. The author does a deep dive into this topic, including a whole chapter on something called “corn sex.” (Not nearly as exciting as the sex I write about!)

But my takeaways from this book changed which groceries I bought and agricultural policies I support.

As a person who believes in the Creator, I also would like to see our world do a better job with land and animal management, and this book helped me think more profoundly about those issues.

In the meantime, here’s to healthy eating and brown, cage-free eggs!

5. The 5 Love Languages

Yep, this very popular marriage book makes my list. Because The 5 Love Languages is where I began to identify ways in which my husband and I were trying to express love but not feeling it in turn.

Specifically, I grew up in a family in which my mom waited on my dad a lot, so I’d determined to be the opposite in my own marriage. And then, I married a guy whose #1 love language is Acts of Service.

This book opened my eyes to how I needed to get over my cynicism and embrace generosity instead, knowing my husband was a good man who wouldn’t exploit my acts of service toward him. My change in attitude and behavior paid dividends for both of us. Plus, hubby now gives me more affection—my #1 love language.

6. Schlinder’s Legacy

You’ve heard of Schindler’s List, right? The movie is based on a book written by Thomas Keneally, which my old book club read many years ago. But we also read Schindler’s Legacy, with each chapter a short biography of a Holocaust survivor from the list.

And the accounts have stuck with me for years. Not because of the specifics of any one story—which include some chilling details, of course—but because this book more than any other showed how one’s attitude makes a big difference.

About half of these survivors considered themselves lucky or blessed and felt grateful, to God and/or others, for their survival. The other half were bitter, angry, and believed they’d survived only because of life’s randomness or their own cutthroat choices.

Life throws all of us curveballs, and some of us far more than anyone should have to go through. But we ultimately make the choice of how we will view and address our problems. Will we wallow and become bitter? Will we grieve our losses and find a way to get through?

(Or if you’re in an abusive situation, grieve and get out.)

7. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Almost anyone who does marriage ministry eventually reads The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, because John Gottman has probably done more reputable research into long-term relationships than anyone else. He gained a reputation for being able to discern whether a marriage was headed for divorce by observing mere minutes of a couple’s interaction.

He identified “four horsemen” that signal relational rockiness (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) and also laid out seven ways to foster a healthier marriage.

Spock and I read this book when we were at our wit’s end in our relationship, and we really did learn important principles we could apply to our marriage. These principles weren’t the key to getting our marriage back on track, but they were an important piece.

8. The Gospel of John

Okay, I already addressed the impact of the Bible, but the Gospel of John deserves special mention. I was toward the end of my college career, and I’d gone through a rough time that included friendship challenges, family heartache, and premarital promiscuity.

My faith was shaky at best. I’d concluded there was a God, but did I buy into Jesus and Christianity? As summed up well by another John (the Baptist) in a different gospel, I was asking: “Are You the One who is to come, or should [I] look for someone else?” (Luke 7:19).

I decided to re-read the book of John, trying this time to figure out who Jesus was without all the felt-figure storyboards and preconceived notions in my head. The Jesus I found within those pages was not merely a man of meekness and compassion, but strength and grit. He showed tenderness to some and fierceness to others, depending on the situation and the people. He truly was both the Lamb and the Lion.

And this Jesus—the real Jesus—seemed big enough to handle my hurt and my needs. I had a ways to go to find my firm footing, but through reading the Gospel of John, a spark was lit, my faith rekindled.

And Now, A Challenge

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has been blogging every single day this year! At the end here, I’m issuing a challenge for her to blog about books that changed her life, whether 2-3 or more.

I also want to hear from you! What books positively changed your life and why?

[Quick note: If mention a book that contains what I believe to be dangerous teaching, I may not approve your comment. You can view my comments policy here.]

The post 8 Books That Changed My Life appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

That said, there’s a good way and a bad way to read marriage books. If you go in with the wrong expectations or without an attitude of discernment, you could come away disappointed or learn something counterproductive. So let’s talk about about how to read a marriage book.

Recognize there is no magic bullet.

A magic bullet is “something providing an effective solution to a difficult or previously unsolvable problem” (Merriam-Webster). And oh, how we wish there was a magic bullet to resolve all of our marital conflicts, misunderstandings, and challenges. But there isn’t.

Hey, I could increase my blog traffic and book sales substantially if I chose topic titles like “10 Surefire Ways to Take Your Sex Life from Boring to Breathtaking!” or “Resolve Your Sexless Marriage in Three Easy Steps!” Except I don’t want to lie to you.

Even when the solution is simple and straightforward, putting it into practice can be difficult. You have to overcome bad habits, establish new routines, stick it out during that time between planting and harvesting (which can feel like forever), and pray your spouse responds they way they should.

You should know you’re running a marathon and not just around the block, so you can prepare yourself accordingly. Mind you, it’s well worth the run! But it’s not easy.

Thus, any resource that guarantees following a system will produce the exact result you want is like that diet that says you can lose 10 pounds in one week and never feel hungry. Yeah, right. That doesn’t mean the diet, or marriage program, is a bad idea. It might yield good results, but recognize it’s unlikely to cure all of your marital woes by next Tuesday.

Don’t discard the mostly good for the little bad.

Too often, readers take an all-or-nothing approach to marriage resources. Once they discover something they disagree with, they write off the whole thing or read the remainder through a negative or suspicious lens.

Is there any marriage resource with which I’ve agreed 100% of the time? That would be a big no. Even my own stuff written years ago, I’d probably write differently today. Meaning the only resource I don’t disagree with is the Bible!

Or wait—I do disagree with the Bible. I simply decide in that case I must be wrong and need to adjust my thinking, not the other way around.

But if you get a marriage book in which 80-90% of the advice is good, it’s a wonderful resource. Ignore the 10-20% and focus on how much good stuff you’re getting, some of which you can put into practice and reap the benefits.

Read for what you can do to improve your marriage.

You know what marriage book would be a fun read? One that talked about what a terrific wife you are and then recounted all the problems your husband is bringing to the marriage—basically concluding, “It’s not me. It’s you.”

But hey, even if your husband is 90% the problem, you have 10% to fix. And the reality is that you cannot change your spouse. You can only influence them through what actions you take.

So when you read a marriage book, look for what messages you need to hear that help you improve your relationship. Take ownership for your part. And where you recognize your spouse is indeed the problem, figure out how to influence the issue rather than solely laying blame on them.

Remember that marriage books largely assume good will.

Most marriage resources presume two good-willed spouses who love each other—even if they don’t currently like each other all that much—and want a better relationship. This is not to say that they haven’t said and done things that are hurtful and undermine their ultimate goal.

My husband and I said terrible things to one another when our marriage was bad, many years ago. We wish I could take those things back, but we were both coming from places of deep emotional pain and lashing out carelessly. That said, we were both good-willed people who loved each other and wanted a better marriage. We just didn’t know how to get there.

If you have a good-willed spouse, a marriage book could help you achieve an important breakthrough, improve a struggling relationship, or simply add greater intimacy to an already good marriage.

But if you are in an abusive marriage, you need much more than a marriage book! Get professional help. Leave immediately if your safety is at risk. Find resources not about marriage but abuse in marriage. And if you’re not sure about your situation, check out Family Life’s Are You in an Abusive Relationship? list of questions.

If you are in an abusive marriage, you need much more than a marriage book! via @hotholyhumorous
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Understand that gender doesn’t explain everything.

A number of resources say “men are like this, and women are like this,” and yeah, there’s some truth to that, generally speaking. But it’s an oversimplification that ignores other factors like personality, talents, background, values, and more.

If just the words “man” or “woman” explained everything, then all women would be alike and all men would be alike, and how boring would that be! I suspect your chose your husband because he was a particular kind of man, and you like his unique aspects. (Okay, mostly. You could do without the way he picks his teeth after supper.)

We can misjudge our own husband if we presume a statement about male stereotypes applies to him when it doesn’t. And he can misread you by presuming every female stereotype applies to you.

How do you avoid getting the wrong impression? Ask your spouse.

When you read a statement you’re not sure about, open up a conversation with your beloved like, “Hey, I was reading about how men are ____________, and I’m wondering if you feel like that’s accurate for you.”

I’ve been surprised by the answers I’ve gotten from my husband with this approach. Sometimes, he confirms the statement, and I learn something new I hadn’t recognized before. Other times, he says it doesn’t describe him at all. And then there are times when it’s kinda-yes but with clarification. Regardless, by the end of the conversation, I understand my husband better. And isn’t that a good goal?

You may be thinking by now: With all these potential land mines, what’s the point of reading marriage books or even blog posts?!

Because they often have great advice that can sincerely help your marriage.

I have personally benefited from numerous books and blog posts, as well as podcast episodes, video courses, and devotional products. Various marriage authors have illuminated areas I need to attend to, information about my spouse he had difficulty explaining, and actions that can improve our relationship.

And hey, Hot, Holy & Humorous and my books have a long history of helping married couples in their bedrooms, with many emails to prove it! I know firsthand that marriage resources can make a difference.

But approaching marriage resources wisely will make a real difference in what you get out of them.

What other advice would you add for how to read a marriage book or other resource?

The post How to Read a Marriage Book appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.