When I first began blogging (way back in 2009), only a few Christian books about sex were available. You might find on the shelves of your local Christian bookstore such offerings as The Act of Marriage by Tim & Beverly Lahaye, Intended for Pleasure by Ed & Gaye Wheat, Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, and The Gift of Sex by Cliff & Joyce Penner. There were a few others, but not many. And Christian publishers resisted using terms like “vagina” and “penis,” concerned that such direct talk would put off sensitive customers. (Perhaps they should have re-read their oh-so-frank Bibles, but I digress.)

I read all of those books years back, within a short time, and checked out as many other resources as I could find … and still discovered a lot of open space and opportunity to share biblical and practical advice for better sex in marriage.

Nowadays, the problem isn’t a lack of Christian books about sex, but a lack of time to read them all and deciding which ones to prioritize. I currently have 10 books about sex in my To Be Read pile. And since I tend to flip-flop between fiction and nonfiction, it will take me a while to get through them! Maybe you’re facing a similar issue: wanting good resources about sex but needing to figure out which ones are worth your time.

Which Books to Read

How can you discern which sex/marriage books are right for you? My to-read list could easily be 30 books long instead of 10, but I pick and choose before I begin reading which ones I want to spend time on. You can do the same.

First, consider your needs.

What aspect of your marital intimacy needs attention? If you’re in a season of sexual betrayal, a book about how to spice things up will not address your issues. But maybe your sex life is going good but not great, and you could use that sex tip book.

Maybe you’re facing issues of aging, and a sex book about lovemaking in your golden years could be useful (e.g., A Celebration of Sex After 50 by Douglas Rosenau). Maybe you’re just starting out and need some newlywed advice (Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start by Cliff & Joyce Penner, Lovemaking by Dan & Linda Wilson). Or maybe you have bigger issues and need resources about sexual brokenness (Rethinking Sexuality by Juli Slattery, Sexpectations by Dr. Carol Tanksley).

When I’m asked which of my books someone should buy, I describe what they each are and ask which one might speak to their particular issue. And if none of them speaks to what they’re going through, I happily recommend another resource. Maybe someday one of my books will serve that spouse, but their immediate needs should steer what book they pick up today.

Second, learn something about the authors.

Start with finding out why they wrote a book about sex. Those who write books about sex do so for one or more reasons:

1. They have credentials in the area (doctor, marriage counselor, sex therapist, etc.) and possess useful information through training and experience that they can share with others.
2. They have a personal testimony about how they learned God’s design for sex, began to live it out, and experienced improved pleasure and intimacy.
3. They became intrigued by the topic, engaged in deep, personal study, and now want to share what they’ve learned with others who could benefit.
4. They have strong opinions about how sex should be happening in marriage and feel others need to hear their message.
5. They see that books on sex sell well, and they figure why not.

With the exception of that last reason, I could name excellent books on sex primarily motivated by any of the other four reasons. But knowing the reason the author penned the book can help you identify whether their insight will be useful for you and what angle they’re writing from.

In my case, I do a ton of research to make sure my advice is as accurate as I can make it, but I constantly let y’all know that I’m not a doctor, a licensed therapist, or a trauma-trained counselor. If you want those expert opinions, I’m not your best resource.

Also, if someone’s ministry focuses on a strong message that they feel needs to be said, they may see many issues through that lens. They may not cover scenarios outside their purview. Sometimes, that’s great, because we need resources that speak to specific situations! Sometimes, that’s not so great, because they can lose the view of the forest for the trees. It all depends on the author and resource, but again, knowing something about the author’s background and purpose can help you decide whether a particular book is worth your time.

Third, sample the message.

You can get a taste of what a book is about by checking out the description or an excerpt, reading a review, and/or listening to an author interview.

Every book on Amazon or Christian Book has a description. For instance, mine for Pillow Talk reads:

The description can give you an overview of what to expect. You can also read an excerpt by clicking Read Sample or checking out my post with a sample chapter. Most authors offer samples of their books so that you can get a sense of the book’s purpose, tone, and format.

You can also read reviews from online bookstores or others you admire. From time to time, I offer reviews of books here, and colleagues have done the same. If you like a particular author, you might like another author your trusted one recommends.

How to Read the Book

I have some tips on how to read a marriage book, including:

If you get a marriage book in which 80–90% of the advice is good, it’s a wonderful resource. Ignore the 10–20% and focus on how much good stuff you’re getting, some of which you can put into practice and reap the benefits.

But I encourage you to read the entire post: How to Read a Marriage Book. As well as the tips in the top half of this post: Which Sex Books Should You Read?

What about My Books?

Here are short descriptors of my books:

• Hot, Holy & Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design – a how-to book for Christian wives on improving sexual intimacy in their marriage
• Intimacy Revealed (soon to be retitled Biblical Intimacy) – a devotional book for wives on what the Bible says about sex, along with practical takeaways to put God’s design into practice
• Pillow Talk – a conversation guide (not just starters) for couples to go through together so that they can navigate the challenges of sex, experience greater pleasure, and embrace true intimacy

I also wrote Beatitudes in the Bedroom: Embracing the Blessings for Your Marriage Bed, applying those passages to sexual intimacy, and a collection of short stories titled Behind Closed Doors: Five Marriage Stories.

If that first one appeals to you, I’m having a sale on the print book for anyone who lives in the contiguous United States: $5 for each signed copy, shipping included! (Sorry, others, but the shipping elsewhere is painfully high.)

Announcing My Next Book

While I love every one of my books, I’m particularly excited about my upcoming release. I have long felt called to write a book specifically for those 20–25% of wives who desire sex more than their husbands. Thankfully, my wonderful agent, Karen Neumair of Credo Communications, believed I was the right person for this project as well and pitched our proposal to several publishers. It was a Dream Come True when Baker Books, the largest independent Christian publisher, offered me a contract.

Since then, the book has gone through drafting; editing, editing, editing, and more editing; cover design; formatting; and other preparation you don’t care about. The main point is that The Higher Desire Wife will be available on March 18, 2025! And you can preorder your copy now.

A husband always wants more sex than his wife, right? Many marriage resources make that assumption, but up to 25 percent of marriages have a higher desire wife! While these women are not alone, they may feel that way as standard sex advice doesn’t address their needs. They may even feel like there is something wrong with them or they should be ashamed of their high sex drive.

Author and speaker J. Parker has been there. In The Higher Desire Wife, she pairs extensive research and personal stories to help the higher desire wife nurture healthy and holy intimacy in her marriage. In these frank and compassionate pages, you’ll learn how to

• understand potential causes of your husband’s lower sex drive
• approach the topic with him in a loving and effective way
• find solutions and compromises to close the desire gap

God designed marriage to fulfill both husband and wife. J. Parker comes alongside you as a trusted friend to help you understand that you’re normal, you’re not alone, and things can get better.

Click to Buy or Learn More

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I have a full chapter on orgasm in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, and that remains my best advice on how to get there. But although I incorporated the following information into what I said based on personal experience and hearsay, I didn’t have the study I want to share about what researchers call the “Golden Trio.”

It starts with 52,000 participants in an online survey, which is obviously a huge sample. Admittedly, it’s not a perfect sample, because this survey was hosted on the NBC News website, so there was self-selection in who participated. Still, given that number, there should be some interesting insights.

Among the many questions about sex that they asked, they queried about orgasm. And while 95% of heterosexual men reported usually or always reaching orgasm during sexually intimate encounters, only 65% of heterosexual women reported the same. That’s a good-sized gap of 30%.

Now one question that I don’t believe was there was whether there was a concerted effort to reach orgasm and the woman was unable to do so. Because, for reasons that men sometimes don’t understand, some wives don’t always feel the need to orgasm (see Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm).

However, it’s pretty clear based on God’s design for sex — our sexual responsiveness, our physiology (thank You for that clitoris!), and the importance of mutual pleasure in the marriage bed — that wives should be achieving orgasm regularly in their lovemaking. Meaning that 30% gap is way too big.

How do you close that gap?

Researchers found that vaginal penetration alone (as I and others have said) is not likely to get most women to climax. A PIV orgasm can be great, but it often follows on the heels of an orgasm achieved in a different way. Specifically, according to this study, through the combination of three actions — that is, the “golden trio.”

1. Genital Stimulation

In basic terms, stimulation of the clitoris is what brings a wife to climax. Since vaginal penetration is indirect stimulation of the clitoris, it’s more difficult to get the right angle, pressure, and intensity to bring her to the peak.

More effective is hubby taking his hand and touching the clitoral hood directly. Remember that hood is just the part of the clitoris that protrudes from the body, while more of the clitoris can be aroused by massage of the vulva. Regardless, make sure there’s sufficient lubrication, find the touching that she likes, and directly touch her in that sensitive spot.

2. Deep Kissing

Are you surprised to see that one? I’m not. But I do think we overlook this important activity after we get married and in the midst of making love. All the other bits seem so fun and sexy and only-in-marriage that we forget how fabulous kissing can be. It’s why I wrote You’re Not Kissing Enough.

But this was reported by women in the study as so significant to reaching orgasm that it got equal time with genital contact. Actually, long before that, in the one book of the Bible devoted to marital, sexual intimacy, God shared this wisdom. Song of Songs opens with this line: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (1:2). Are you spending enough time delighting in your spouse’s better-than-wine lips? Maybe you should spend more.

3. Oral Sex

That’s oral sex for her, by the way. It’s the same principle as genital stimulation above, in that hubby can directly stimulate the clitoris, helping her to edge up the slope to orgasm and reach that peak with a cry of victory. Why is oral sex (aka cunnilingus) so helpful in this regard? Well, she’s getting lubrication with his mouth, he can cover a larger area with his mouth and tongue, and the tongue can do more delicate things than a man’s finger. It’s a pretty cool pleasure tool.

There are yet some wives who are reluctant to give this activity a green flag, and some husbands who hesitate as well, but oral sex really is a good way for many wives to finally achieve orgasm. Whatever mental barriers you have to this practice, I’ve answered a lot of those in my blog and my book. And let me direct you to this verse from Song of Songs: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16b).

Actually, all three of these actions get their own treatment in my book too — a whole chapter each on kissing and oral sex, and a section in the hands-on chapter about manual play for her (genital stimulation, that is).

What else helps a woman reach orgasm? The survey concluded something else interesting: Women who played music, changed sexual positions, or exchanged I love yous during their last sexual encounter were about 20% more likely to report usually or always orgasming. Atmosphere and adaptability matter too.

Also, women who orgasm more frequently tended to have a longer duration of sex and higher relationship satisfaction. Smaller but significant factors that also influenced orgasm were asking for particular behaviors in bed and flirting with your partner throughout the day.

Good gravy, it’s almost like they’ve been reading my blog and my book.

Seriously, though, if you’re pre-orgasmic (haven’t gotten there yet), want to have more orgasms, or just want to give this “golden trio” a go, why not try genital stimulation, deep kissing, and oral sex with your next lovemaking encounter? Of course, you can have intercourse too. In fact, many wives who experience this level of pleasure will desire intercourse even more after hitting that high note.

They say that good things come in threes. Maybe “this golden trio” will bring a very good thing to your sexual intimacy.

Sources: The Guardian – ‘Golden trio’ of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, say researchers; Archives of Sexual Behavior – Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample

The post These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

For my release, I thought I’d revisit the question of why Hot, Holy, and Humorous.

Hot. Maybe I should have started with holy, since that’s really what matters to me most. However, I had a feeling hot was a huge missing piece for many Christians. I was rightly raised to believe that sex in marriage was the way to go and that it was a special experience to make love with your covenant partner. But to me, it sounded like all those people preaching this path had no idea just how steamy and sexy and satisfying sex really was. Too many of them kept the conversations so highbrow or low-volume that we might as well be discussing doilies at a tea party.

Let’s understand this: Sex is supposed to feel really good. Look at the difference between how God created the sex act for most animals and then how He gifted us — the ones made in His image — to experience sex. For animals, it’s primarily an urge, a release, a reproductive necessity. I’m not saying they don’t enjoy the moment, but I’ve never seen a bull grazing on grass and suspected that he was thinking, “Getting lucky tonight…oh yeahhhh.”

Meanwhile, we have the beauty of anticipation, desire, affection, foreplay, lovemaking, afterglow. And we can make love on whatever schedule we want — no mating season required. Plus, we ladies have a clitoris, which has absolutely no reproductive purpose whatsoever. It’s simply there for our stimulation and satisfaction.

God intended sex between husband and wife to be hot. Rev-your-engines hot. Steam-rising hot. Hunka-hunka-burning-love hot. And it’s entirely Christian to experience that gift from God.

Holy. Sex can feel physically good in many different contexts, but the full blessings of sex don’t come outside of the context God designed. God created sex to happen between a covenant husband and wife with all of His commands about love infusing the experience.

Although physically satisfying, sex has a higher purpose. It bonds husband and wife together (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:6), and it represents the relationship between our Lord and His people (Ephesians 5:31-32, Isaiah 54:5). Within marriage, sex should be a holy act of love.

Within marriage, sex should be a holy act of love.
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The biggest change in my own perspective of sex happened when I stopped compartmentalizing sexual intimacy and allowed every Scriptural command and principle to shed light on my marriage bed. Thus, every Bible verse about how to be holy . . . applies to my marital intimacy. If it doesn’t honor God to lie outside the bedroom, it doesn’t honor Him to lie inside the bedroom. If it doesn’t honor God to neglect my husband outside the bedroom, it doesn’t honor Him to neglect my husband inside the bedroom. If it doesn’t honor God to be demanding outside the bedroom, it doesn’t honor Him to be demanding inside the bedroom.

But it’s not just about all the things we shouldn’t do. Rather, we have the promise of something far more beautiful and meaningful and satisfying when we take all of the positive instructions from God into our marriage beds. Sex is holy, but also exciting and intimate, when we are patient, kind, protective, trusting, hopeful, persevering (1 Corinthians 13:4-7); when we’re filled with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23); when we feel that depth of belonging and desire for one another (Song of Songs 7:10).

I genuinely believe God wants to bless our marriage beds! He has some parameters He asks us to follow, and He has wisdom on how to nurture our marriages by following His commands and His example of love. We should embrace the holiness of sexual intimacy in marriage, by God’s design.

Humorous. God is hilarious. I say this with absolutely certainty. If we’re all made in His image, consider how important our sense of humor is to us individually, in our society, and for our happiness. We didn’t get our wit or silliness from nowhere; it came from God. And, if you ask me, He told some humdingers.

Did you hear the one about a camel going through the eye of a needle? (Matthew 19:24). How about this instruction found in Exodus 20:26? “And do not approach my altar by going up steps. If you do, someone might look up under your clothing and see your nakedness” (NLT). Good point, God. Then there’s one of my favorite Bible stories when the judge Ehud gets an evil, and terribly fat, king alone and stabs him in the belly so far that the hilt of the knife disappears into the fat. After Ehud leaves and the king doesn’t let them back in, his servants don’t enter because they think the king is busy using the toilet. (Judges 3 – Thanks, God. Our Bible class full of elementary boys were truly engaged by this story!)

What does any of this have to do with sex? Well, you have to get naked, get in weird positions, communicate about things that used to crack us all up in junior high, and you have the ongoing possibility of getting interrupting by children or pets, accidentally pulling hair or pinching skin or even falling, and all the strange things that can happen with your body like a poorly timed fart. In the course of your long marriage, you may experience all kinds of sexual situations that are, objectively speaking, funny.

So learn to laugh in the moment. In fact, invite playfulness into your bedroom. Let your marriage bed be a place that is hot and holy, but also humorous. Lighten up and enjoy! Flirt and have fun. Use word play to discuss your lovemaking or one another’s body parts or to recall a private memory.

I don’t know if you currently have all three of these operating in your marriage, none of the three, or maybe just one or two. But I encourage you to think about what’s missing or what you can nurture more. God gifted us to have all three in our marital bedrooms — the hot, the holy, and the humorous.

And that’s why I wrote my book. It contains biblical and practical tips for helping you develop whichever one of these you need. Pick it up and let it bless your marriage!

Buy Now:

Amazon

ChristianBook.com

Barnes & Noble

iBooks

Kobo

The post Why Sex Should Be Hot, Holy, and Humorous appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Fast forward a few years, and her self-published book caught the interest of a literary agent and traditional publisher. Bringing their expertise to the table, Sex Savvy took on new life. It was expanded, reworked, repackaged, and generally made a whole lot better.

And now I get to share it with all of you!

This has been working behind the scenes for a while, but Sex Savvy is going off sale and will be replaced by Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. This is truly a new and improved version, put out by the fabulous folks at BroadStreet Publishing. What can you can expect from Hot, Holy, and Humorous? I thought I’d answer a few questions you might have.

Is it the same content as Sex Savvy? Yes, and no. Everything in Sex Savvy is in this book, but there are several added chapters with even more information and tips for sexual intimacy in your marriage. Also, chapters have been reworked for better flow and readability. If it were me, I’d definitely buy the new version.

Why go with a traditional publisher, instead of sticking with self-publishing? A couple of reasons. One, if you go to a Barnes & Noble, a Lifeway Christian Store, or ChristianBook.com, you won’t find my self-pubbed book. Large book retailers almost exclusively buy from traditional publishers. BroadStreet has relationships with bookstores, and I’m hoping that my book will reach a broader audience through their efforts. Two, traditional publishers have a whole lot of experience putting out their products. They bring their know-how to bear on the quality of the product, and I saw that firsthand as I worked through this process. Hot, Holy, and Humorous is professionally packaged, polished, and produced.

When does it go on sale? June. I’ll be here with a specific date, but that’s when it will go up for sale. Whether it hits your local bookstore depends on the buyers in your market. But it will be up on major online retailers, like Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and hopefully several other, easy-to-reach book distributors.

How can you help the book launch? Order it today! Buy it when it releases. Tell others about it. If you read it, please post a positive review online at B&N, Amazon, iBooks, Goodreads, etc. (By the way, anything less than 4 stars doesn’t work to an author’s advantage for Amazon’s algorithms. Just an FYI.) And ask your local bookstore to carry it. Sometimes, book buyers will respond to requests from their customers.

Why do you need this book? That’s really the most important question of all. Why on earth should you buy a book about “Sex in Marriage by God’s Design” anyway? First of all, I assume you being here means you’re at least mildly interested in the subject. Second, I’ve gained a bit of wisdom on this topic — made it my forte, my bailiwick, my wheelhouse, my passion. I have a personal story about sex done the wrong way and done God’s way, but I’ve also read a lot on the topic, studied the Bible for God’s instructions, talked to many people about their sexual struggles and successes, and advised plenty of spouses and couples on improving their marriage beds. I’ve heard from more than a few that I have indeed helped, for which I give all credit to God.

But whether you’re clueless about your marital intimacy, have a few issues left to resolve, or think things are going pretty well overall, Hot, Holy, and Humorous has biblically based perspectives and tips for you. It’s a easy-to-read book with lots of practical suggestions, all from a Christian point of view.

So why do you need this book? Because it will help your marriage.

Over the years, I’ve invested in resources that have nurtured my marriage, and it’s a great feeling to be able to offer that to others. I pray this book blesses you and those you love!

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At last count, I had 3,567 books in my To Be Read pile. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I have so many books I need or want to read that it feels at times I’ll never reach the end. This is my explanation, or excuse, for why Jennifer Smith’s The Unveiled Wife released in March 2015 and I only recently finished it. It was a priority, but I can only read so fast and several books were ahead on my list.

If you’re not familiar with Jennifer Smith, she is a marriage author who runs a site by the same name: Unveiled Wife. She has built an amazing Facebook community, encourages wives regularly with prayers for our husbands, and has spoken honestly and poignantly about her own struggles.

Among those struggles was sexual dysfunction that made her body unable to engage in intercourse for years of her marriage. She and her husband did engage in sexual intimacy, but intercourse itself was off-limits until she discovered the source of her physical problems.

She details this personal story and other marital challenges she and her husband faced in the beginning years of their marriage. Although aligned with God in many ways — being involved with church communities, engaging in mission work, praying together — she ultimately attributes her struggling marriage years to her flailing relationship with God.

The Unveiled Wife may be the most honest memoir I’ve ever read. Jennifer doesn’t hold back in describing what she got right, what she got very, very wrong, and how bad things got in her marriage. From what she described, many people would have placed her marriage in the Not Gonna Make It category. There was baggage in the relationship, concrete problems to resolve, and ongoing misunderstanding and conflict between her and her husband.

I can’t tell you how many times I read her story and thought, That’s my story. Baggage? Check. Concrete problems? Check. Ongoing conflict? Check. In particular, her crying out to God and feeling few answers in return was déjà vu for me. When my marriage was going through the pit, it seemed that no matter how much I told God that I was nearly done, things stayed the same — or got worse.

But I also relate to her unwillingness to let go of God and her husband altogether, because deep down they were who she loved. As John 6:68 says about Jesus, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” Through the study of Scripture, the wisdom of others, and the opening of her heart, Jennifer came to understand changes she needed to make to have what God intended for her and her husband.

Again, my life mirrors that discovery. It is simply the beauty of the Gospel, lived out day by day, that improved my marriage. By leaps and bounds. As it turns out, God had been answering my prayers. I was just too thick-headed to respond to his subtle nudging, instead expecting some kind of burning bush revelation. Thank goodness I finally listened.

Jennifer’s story relates so well to the marriage memory verse theme I’ve had this month — gaining victory over your past. Whether it’s past abuse, premarital promiscuity, or failures in your marriage, there is hope and redemption, healing and victory.

Thanks to Jennifer, this is the marriage memory verse I want to share today, from 2 Corinthians 3:18: “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

When Jennifer became transparent before God and sought His answers for her life, her marriage was transformed. I felt that too. And I believe you can feel it as well.

Taking off the “veil” — the barrier you have erected between you and God, your and your spouse, you and other Christians ready and willing to walk with you — is the first step. Then you contemplate His glory — His design, His will, and His healing for your life. God then works in us, through the Spirit, to transform us. Not once, not twice, but “ever-increasing.”

The Unveiled Wife is both real and inspiring. I encourage you to read Jennifer’s story and find hope for your own situation. There are answers, there is victory.

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