From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

The post Why Isn’t Sex in Marriage Easy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in 2013, I contributed a guest post to Jolene Engle’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage series. I re-read the post, tweaked it just a bit, and wanted to share it with y’all. So here it is, on a subject near and dear to my heart: wives who desire and enjoy sex in marriage and what that says about them.

Can sex-driven wives be godly wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.

Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being.

God gifted marriage with sexual intimacy.

God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.

In the Song of Songs, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the wife eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).  And after the couple makes love, there’s a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that it represents God’s voice. What does that voice say? “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love” (5:1). In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!

Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris.  For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose seems to be female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.

Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that higher desire wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.

It’s still common to hear Christians talking about the importance of sex in terms of a wife needing to meet her husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have!

And those of us who really like and want sex feel like dodo birds … or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label from my own mind and embrace the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.

Even spiritual. Yes, spiritual.

Spiritual values can have physical manifestations.

Consider that Jesus’s spiritual commands have a physical component:

• Love someone … by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew.
• Help others … by giving to the poor.
• Serve others … by giving your time and resources to care for them.

Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.

Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: affection, yes, but also sex. And as long as you’re doing it in a way that honors your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.

Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate.

If you’re focused on sexual intimacy to the neglect of other parts of your relationship, that’s one thing. (And a thing you should look into and resolve.) But if you simply desire and enjoy sex with your husband, that’s a longing from God. One who wants to fulfill.

The post Can Sex-Driven Wives Be Godly Wives? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before I began speaking up about sex in marriage, I looked to see what resources were already out there. It was over 15 years ago that I hunted for books on the subject and came across four or five. Some of that content involved stereotypical assumptions and/or weren’t all that practical.

After I launched my website in December 2010, I discovered several others blogging on the topic—some of whom would go on to publish books. Now and then, another author would enter the arena with a book on sex, and then the speed of publications increased. Book after book after book about marital sex came out, and also social media content, podcasts, and online courses.

These days, we don’t lack for resources written by Christians that address sex in marriage. Why such a shift in such a short time?

We’re more comfortable talking about sex.

When my grandparents, my parents, and I grew up, sex simply wasn’t an open topic like it is in today’s culture. We had written and unwritten rules about what could be talked about publicly, aired on radio or TV, and shared in magazines or publications.

I’m not saying no one talked about sex. Of course they did! But there was scant sex education, sex-related statements or lyrics were often metaphoric, and most adults were hesitant at best to talk about sex with others.

Now, people are largely comfortable talking about everything from bodies, to masturbation, to sex toys, to fantasies and experiences. Often shared with words once considered profane or at least crass.

Given that the whole culture has shifted, it’s no wonder that Christians are also more comfortable talking about sex. Even if we speak more responsibly about it, it’s not that big a deal anymore to discuss it.

We had a lot we needed to correct.

The Church always has messages it needs to correct. There’s never been one era for which we could say, “They did Christianity right all the way around.” Just read the New Testament letters (aka epistles), and you’ll see how quickly and easily churches can mess up.

But in the area of sexuality, churches have failed a lot of people. Some grew up with silence so oppressive, they had no place to turn when they experienced trauma, betrayal, or simply confusion. Others soaked in the messages of Purity Culture, which often overemphasized abstinence to the point of missing redemption and preached a sexual prosperity gospel for those who waited until marriage. And then, there are the numerous sexual scandals in which we learned not only that there were predators among us, but that many of them had been protected and enabled by supposed spiritual leaders.

While the Christian resources out there didn’t promote sexual abuse, they often didn’t address it. They also didn’t address other situations spouses struggled with, such as sexual pain, pornography use, recovering from trauma, and higher desire wives and lower desire husbands.

Some messengers didn’t care that much about godly sexuality, but others did the best with what they knew and still got things wrong. We needed take a fresh look at God’s design for sexuality and create resources helped people navigate their challenges in a more informed, compassionate way.

We have more ways to communicate.

As a young person, what I learned about sex from Christians mostly came from my parents, my church, and my youth group. Once I was an adult, the Church actually talked less about sex, despite the expectations that we marrieds were having it.

But now, we have many ways to get the message across! No longer must we wait for the pastor to deliver an awkward sermon about God’s plan for sex or that one class in our church’s marriage course that mentions prioritizing “intimacy.”

In addition to books, we have websites, social media, search engines, and even AI (for those using it). We have videos on YouTube, podcasts on players, apps on our phone, and reels on Instagram and TikTok. I’ve participated in webinars, online conferences, and live Q&As.

With so many options, people with different teaching and learning styles can find a medium that works for them. Christians can, and should, make use of various tools to share the good news about Christ . . . and the good news about God’s plan for our sexuality.

We realized that sex sells.

Let’s be honest: many people will spend money in the pursuit of better sex. That can be a twisted thing, but it can be a good thing. For instance, when you buy my books! ~smile~ Actually, my point here is that Christian authors, businesses, and entrepreneurs figured out that this was an area ripe for sales.

Christian publishers that wouldn’t have touched a book with the word “vagina” in it twenty years ago are now happy to turn out several books on sex each year, because they expect to make money on them. Oh, and help people. I’m not saying they don’t want to help people, but they’re also trying to pay staff and turn profits.

Authors who previously wrote about marriage in general decided to jump on this train and put out a book on sex. Again, they likely did so to help people as well, but writing a book isn’t easy, so it’s motivating to know you can find an audience for it.

And plenty of others jumped into this space, believing that they could offer not only wisdom but get paid something for it. And they should get paid for their labor. As Jesus Christ himself cited, “the worker deserves his wages” (Luke 10:7).

Mind you, not everyone who has worked in this space has made a living. For instance, me. But that’s a story for another day. The story I’m sharing here is that there’s greater supply because there’s greater demand. As long as people are willing to pay for Christian sex resources, we’ll continue to get Christian sex resources.

We became willing to share our stories.

God redeemed my sex life. But I didn’t share my story widely for a long time. As I said on my blog: “While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung ‘that saved a wench like me’?”

I had good reason to believe that judgment and shame would be heaped upon me for past sins. I’d witnessed it happen to others and experienced it a bit myself. But an odd thing happened when I finally decided to step out and talk about it: Far more people thanked me for my candor than disparaged me for it. Yes, there were detractors, but most people were thirsty for openness and insight about sex.

Moreover, once a few people started talking about this topic—I definitely wasn’t alone in this!—more people felt free to share. And more and more and more.

We discovered and demonstrated that our testimonies matter. For God’s glory, for ourselves, and for others. As Psalm 66:16 says: “Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.” As we share our stories, we can “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4).

For many of us, it’s not about being pro-sex as much as being pro-God. We wanted to highlight sex not for its own sake but so that more couples can experience the healing God can provide, the bonding that couples in Christ can have, and those glimpses of intimacy that God longs to have with us.

Have you witnessed a shift in how and how much Christians talk about sex?
What are your thoughts on the changes you’ve seen?

Quick Reminder to Wives

If you can help out my research project with Regent University, please complete our 20-minute survey!

Take the 20-minute Survey

The post What’s Behind the Boom in Christian Sex Resources? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In my last post, 4 Sex Research Findings I Keep Coming Back To, I shared that I’m involved in a research study about married women’s sexual experiences and provided a link for wives to take our survey. And then, I found out the link wasn’t working. (Of course it wasn’t. Why should months of work culminate in everything going smoothly when we release the link? Sigh.)

Please Participate

If you were able to take the survey (the QR code presumably worked), thank you for doing that! If you tried but couldn’t reach it, the proper link is below. And if you didn’t click the link or scan the QR code, please do so! Here’s info about the study:

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

A Few Notes About Research

Having reported on many studies, and now helping with a study, I’ve learned a lot about how research is conducted. In a prior post, I noted The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research. But here’s a short list of research considerations:

• Sample. Quality research involves a representative sample (unless it’s a case study, which is different). For instance, in the work I do here, findings of a study of committed couples are more relevant than one of single college students.
• Purpose. Studies ask a question and then attempt to answer it. However, most of the time, researchers don’t tell you the specific question(s) they’re looking into because sharing their hypotheses ahead of time could influence participants’ responses.
• Measurement. A key question is how to measure whatever the researchers are looking for. In sex studies, researchers typically have people engage in sexual activities in a lab or fill out questionnaires (obviously, more people would prefer to do the latter). To reach credible outcomes, a measurement should be valid and reliable; that is, it measures what it says it measures and produces the same results when repeated under similar conditions.
  • Note: Some research uses more than one questionnaire previously established as valid and reliable, and the questionnaires may overlap. While it can feel weird to answer similar questions more than once, researchers usually can’t remove “repeats” because that would affect the validity and reliability of their findings.
• Confidentiality. Researchers should always tell you how the information you provide will be used and lay out how your private details will be protected.
• Institutional Review. Well-respected research normally goes through an institutional review process, meaning those conducting the study submit the why and how of their research to an expert board to make sure everything’s on the up and up. If the board finds any problems, they can and should request changes.
• Participants’ Rights. Participants should have the right to opt out at any time and also be made aware of where and how to report any concerns or complaints.

If you want to know more about how research involving humans should unfold, check out the US Department of Health & Human Services page About Research Participation. The World Health Organization also has information about conducting human research ethically.

One More Time

If you’re willing, wives, please take 20 minutes and complete our survey. Here are the link and QR code again. Thank you!

The post A Call to Wives to Help Our Research (w/an updated link) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in the 1950s and 1960s, the duo of William Masters and Virginia Johnson began conducting research experiments about sexual arousal and climax. They were groundbreakers for sure, but their participant pool and methods skewed the results a bit. Thankfully, scientists have improved their approach since then, and we now have some fairly good studies that tell us a lot about how our bodies function and our relationships flourish.

Of course, not all studies can be trusted and/or widely applied. For instance, finding out how single college students approach sex won’t tell you that much about how middle-aged couples married for decades approach sex. And certainly, some researchers go in with a biased viewpoint and use methods—often unintentionally but still—which influence the results.

Today, I thought I’d share some of my favorite findings from sex research. But first, I need to ask for your help with an important study that I’m involved in. Please, wives, consider participating! Just click the button or scan the QR code below to get to the survey.

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

Please remember to take that survey! In the meantime, here are four favorite research findings I’ve come back to again and again.

Sexual Desire Isn’t About Being “In the Mood”

Those sex research pioneers, Masters and Johnson, proposed a sexual response cycle that included excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Everyone they studied showed up to have sex or masturbate, so they weren’t really looking much into what sparks desire. Rather, for a very long time, the notion was that you felt in the mood, then you headed into those four stages of sexual interaction. But a lot of spouses reported not feeling in the mood, like maybe ever.

Hats off to Dr. Rosemary Basson who dug deeper and realized that we were missing a huge chunk by focusing on those who independently, or “spontaneously” experienced sexual desire. Many people’s sexual interest is more responsive. That is, they might start in on excitement—engaging in actions that stir arousal—and thus awaken their sexual desire.

This shift is understanding can be HUGE for some spouses and couples! Did you think you were broken because you didn’t want sex like your husband or wife did? Maybe it’s just that you get into it after it starts. Did you feel rejected because your spouse never seemed to be in the mood? That doesn’t mean they don’t desire you or sex; they just need some other stuff to happen first. Have you been at odds with each other because your sexual interest works differently? What if you learned to appreciate your differences and figured out how to get both of you fully engaged?

Intercourse Isn’t the Best Way for Her to Climax

Speaking of researchers, Sigmund Freud had problems. Including his insistence that clitoral orgasms were inferior and immature, while vaginal ones were superior and mature. We now know that all orgasms emanate from the clitoris—some from direct stimulation of the bulb (the part at the top of her vulva you’re likely most aware of) and some from indirect stimulation of the wishbone-shaped clitoris (which can produce what feels deeper, or “vaginal”). And one climax isn’t better than another. You might prefer one more than another, but they all count.

Indeed, research has shown that many women don’t regularly climax from intercourse. Some simply can’t. And that’s okay. As Song of Songs says, “at [your] door is every delicacy” (7:13). That is, you have options.

One wonderful study shared about the “Golden Trio.” These are the three actions most likely to lead a wife to reach climax, and they are genital stimulation, oral sex, and/or deep kissing. So if you want the wife to reach that peak of pleasure, aim for one or more of those actions. If you want the orgasm to arrive during intercourse, add genital stimulation or deep kissing during that part. Or simply go for a second one for her with intercourse after she’s reached her climax in a different way.

Wear Your Socks to Bed!

Have you heard of serendipitous discoveries? It’s when someone is studying one thing and discovers something different. For instance, Alexander Fleming was studying staphylococcal bacteria when mold contaminated a Petri dish and the bacteria around died. “Wait a minute,” Fleming said (more or less) and discovered penicillin, the first antibiotic. Percy Spencer was working on radar magnetrons when a chocolate bar in his pocket melted. “Wonder what would happen if I tried popcorn,” he thought . . . and the microwave oven was born. Then there’s sildenafil, a drug originally tested as a treatment for angina. It didn’t work well for the heart, but travel 18 or so inches down and it was quite effective! Don’t know what sildenafil is? It’s the generic name for Viagra.

Likewise, some researchers in The Netherlands were looking at brain scans during orgasm to see which parts light up and which turn off. They published the scan findings but noticed something else worth reporting: Both men and women reached orgasm more easily while wearing socks. And it wasn’t a small effect. Couples who kept their feet cozy had a 30% increase in climax.

It’s no guarantee, but why not try wearing your socks to your next lovemaking session? Not having cold feet could make other places heat up more easily.

Sexual Growth Really Can Happen

One of the most damaging beliefs one can have about sex in marriage is that you’re either compatible or not. Having this attitude can lead one to try out various lovers before marriage, looking for The One that they enjoy sexually the most—when that isn’t the best way to choose a partner and adds sexual baggage you both may need to deal with later. It also allows people to excuse their stubbornness and unwillingness to change. After all, if that’s just who you are, then there’s no point in even trying. And it soaks us in a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. If you’re married to someone you’re simply not sexually compatible with, then it’s never going to change and you have to live with the tension and despair for the rest of your life. Or divorce and find someone you are sexually compatible with—at least until you hit a speedbump in that relationship.

Sexual compatibility has been talked about a lot, but it’s not evidence-based. Marriages have seasons. Sexual problems can be resolved. Plenty of people change. But they have to ditch that fixed mindset and adopt a malleable perspective regarding sexual desire and satisfaction.

Across multiple studies from 2017–2021, researchers consistently found that believing sexual intimacy can grow and develop is linked to better outcomes. Growth beliefs were associated with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, greater sexual desire for both partners, healthier coping with sexual problems, lower rejection sensitivity, and even lower problematic pornography use. Meanwhile, fixed or “destiny” beliefs were tied to lower satisfaction, more conflict, more anxiety and depression, and more negative coping responses. One study also found that, without reinforcement, the benefits of a growth mindset fade over time, suggesting that we have to intentionally nurture this perspective.

One way to do that is to stay close to God—His Word, prayer, worship—because one core message of our faith is that He brings restoration and transformation. Also look for marriage resources that promote nurturing your relationship, including your sexual intimacy.

Quality research reveals God’s design for sex. Sex was God’s idea, and He made it to be an intimate experience between husband and wife. But of course, we live in a fallen world, so not everyone is experiencing that right now. It’s important to remain in His Word to understand His plan, but we can also get at God’s truth through well-conducted research. Which is why I want to remind all wives again to please complete the 20-minute survey described above. Here are that link and QR code again. Thanks!

Related Posts: Fun Findings about Sex, What Research Says You Need for Better Sex, The “Golden Trio” That Could Bring Her to Orgasm, 4 Research-Based Tips for Better Sex, 4 Curious Findings from Sex Research, The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research, Embrace a Sexual Growth Mindset, Volunteer for Marital Intimacy Research Today

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