If you haven’t checked out her podcast, you can find it at her blog, in iTunes, or on Stitcher. (My latest interview — broken into two segments — should be right at the top.)

I can’t wait to share with you what Belah has to say about beauty, specifically that tendency we all have to make comparisons. Bring it, Belah!

Everything comes with you into the bedroom. What you think about affects your intimacy with your husband. What you think about yourself matters. So, it’s time to get this straightened out: comparing yourself to others is unwise (as it says in 2 Corinthians 10:2b).

Why we compare ourselves

We see pictures of beauty all over the place, from the checkout line to the actual ladies waiting to buy groceries. It’s easy to get into the habit of comparing what they have to what we have. We’ve started this habit as children. Even my two-year-old son notices when I have some tasty snack that he doesn’t.

But when we compare, if ours is better, we feel better. If ours is not, we feel worse. It’s not okay to let our feelings of beauty and self-worth be subject to what we see at any moment.

Why we shouldn’t compare ourselves

God cares very much about our hearts. He cares about what we meditate on. We may be having low confidence or self-esteem because we saw that someone else has something we wish we had. But God says, “What is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18b). So, when you are meditating on negative feelings, that is actually more real than what you viewed that affected your feelings.

Instead, we need to be focusing on what we do have: a body made by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He was the one who beautifully and wonderfully knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). There was no mistake about His making you exactly as you are.

How to build our sexual confidence

When we grow in believing that our body is made by The King, we start to feel a little more relaxed. Your body wasn’t made to be measured according to some societal standard of beauty. God made you beautiful regardless of what someone else looks like.  

When we think about the purpose of sexual confidence, it is to bring wonderful unity and pleasure to our marriage. And if we think about what comparison does: it tears down a necessary element — confidence. So, we need to get to a place where comparisons aren’t happening in our hearts.

Comparisons are not helpful. They do not serve us. Comparisons throw us off track and undermine our sexual confidence. That is enough reason to shield our eyes from what derails our thoughts of comparison.

What should you be comparing

I think there is at least one time comparisons are helpful. That is comparing yourself with yourself. Only you and God know the road you’re on and what it has taken to get you there. Only you know what you’ve been through. It’s pointless to look at someone else’s life and compare; they haven’t been in your shoes.

I would challenge you to compare yourself by yourself and consider how you have become better, more beautiful, and more radiant. What areas of your heart have grown since before? What ways have you become more wonderful on the inside (the eternal places)? And let God have the glory for all of your comparing. Remember He delights in you and who you are. Basking in the true delight of God is far better for your confidence and your sex life than anything else!

Belah Rose is an author, coach, and host of the Delight Your Marriage podcast where she interviews wives and intimacy experts on how to have a fulfilling marriage and wonderful intimacy in it. She wrote Delight Your Husband: Make Him Crazy About You to help wives move past their reservations to feel free and confident in spicing up the bedroom.

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