None of those is a terrible goal in and of itself, but I’m always struck by how hard we woman are on ourselves. When it comes to appearance, we can be our own worst critic, looking in the mirror and giving ourselves a one-star review.

We have to stop being so hard on ourselves! But I agree that it’s a struggle. Here are some common messages we tell ourselves, along with reality checks.

“I can’t compete with those women!”

It’s easy to compare ourselves to others, and notice when they have physical characteristics we wish we had. Maybe another women you know has smoother skin or a flatter stomach or lovelier eyes or sleeker hair or perkier breasts.

Maybe that woman just has the whole package. And standing next to her makes one feel like a garbage heap next to the Taj Mahal. How can we compete with that?

Reality Check: If we think we’re competing, we all lose.

We don’t like being judged solely on our appearance, so why do we do it to others? That woman who is gorgeous-times-ten may not have your singing voice or your cooking talent or your math skills or your wit. Maybe she had terrible parents or went through a bad divorce. Or perhaps she’s just spent the majority of her life having everyone size her up based on her looks or batting away ongoing harassment.

God created us as total beings, and appearance is just one part of our appeal. Stop comparing yourself on one aspect of the total and finding yourself wanting. For all you know, that woman is doing the same thing, comparing herself to you in another area and believing she doesn’t measure up. Isn’t it time we gals instead encourage one another to own our unique worth?

“But I used to look so much better.”

Another option is comparing to our own selves, to those days when we looked and felt better about ourselves. Maybe you used to have that flat tummy, when you were a ripe 20 years old; or your skin was smooth, before a murder of crows’ feet clawed all around your eyes; or your breasts once stood at attention, and now they’re fully at-ease.

(Moreover, 2020 was not kind to many of us as we couldn’t engage in our usual exercise program or ate through the Ben & Jerry’s flavor options as a coping mechanism.)

It aches not to have the beauty you once possessed.

Reality Check: We can only go forward.

Time only goes one way. Not even Hermoine’s time-turner can take you back a single hour. Now that you know that, what’s your plan? How about looking ahead to what you can do?

If you looked better before because you were in better shape before, prioritize health and exercise. If you just want to be your best, study up on how to look and feel better at your age. (I have actually watched YouTube videos with makeup and style advice tailored to ladies over 50.) If you’re simply stuck on how the past was kinder to you than today, shift your thinking.

Remind yourself of all the great aspects of getting older! Seriously, I’m wiser, calmer, more confident, and closer to being a grandmother than ever before. These are all good things! Make your own list.

Many women also report being better off sexually as they get older—more aware of their body, able to speak up for their desires, capable of orgasm or even multiples, and more. All good reasons to embrace the body you have!

“My husband notices other women!”

Your husband notices pretty women. Because God—what was He thinking?—gave your man eyes. And you notice your husband noticing. Which makes you feel like his taste is, well, not you. Because otherwise, wouldn’t he only have eyes for you?

So we wallow in feeling inadequate, even to the guy who swore at the altar that you were his one and only. Maybe you should have gotten that in writing…in blood.

Reality Check: Noticing isn’t wanting.

Can you name a male celebrity you think is attractive? You can?! Oh my, that means you noticed him. That doesn’t mean you want that guy. And your husband noticing some other woman, and her beauty, doesn’t mean he’s lusting or wanting her either.

(Now, he may be lusting, in which case you have every reason to object! See What Is Lusting? and Does Your Husband Look at Other Women?)

If you have noticed him noticing, tell him it bothers you. Not in an accusatory, how-could-you way, but rather letting him that his actions are sending a hurtful message. It’s reasonable to ask your beloved to change a little something about their habits or behaviors to help you feel more secure and loved in your marriage.

“I can’t get away from the negative messages.”

The messaging about what women are “supposed” to look like can feel relentless. Impossible standards of beauty are held up everywhere from Photoshopped magazine covers to fashion runways to social media attacks on those who don’t fall in line (just ask celebrities who’ve been “fat-shamed”).

Reality Check: The messages won’t stop.

While we could make a pastime railing against the purveyors of ridiculous beauty criteria—and we should speak up routinely—it probably won’t stop. Because if they can convince us we’re not good enough, we’ll buy their beauty product, clothing line, plastic surgery, or fashion magazine.

The ease of promoting such messages and the economic incentives to do so are much too high to expect they’ll cease. It’s up to us, as individuals, couples, and communities, to believe in the beauty of the individual woman, whoever she is.

We as Christians, in particular, must hearken back to a Creator who created us to feel beautiful and strong and confident when we rest in Him.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
 the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
 and the son of man that you care for him?
Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
 and crowned him with glory and honor.

Psalm 8:3-5

Summary: heavens awesome, but wait—we’re even more awesome, made in God’s image!

Okay, don’t be a jerk about it. (I can find plenty of Bible verses against that idea.) But own the idea that you are enough.

Beauty isn’t the only thing or the most important or even that big a thing when you’re talking about the value of your body. Your body was made to do things, and it does them pretty well!

Stop comparing to others, your past self, what you think someone else is thinking, and the ads meant to make you buy things. Let’s go easier on ourselves and our view of our bodies.

The post Body Image: Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I haven’t even worn cowboy boots my whole life; just the last few years. But they are so comfortable on my feet that I wear them with everything I can, including dresses. A few of those dresses I’ve worn so much, they were getting tattered. What’s a Southern gal to do? Go shopping, of course!

So I spent two days over the July Fourth weekend clothes shopping in my area. Rather than give you a play-by-play of my excursion, simply imagine a horror film with you shouting at the screen, “Don’t go in there, girlfriend! It’s dangerous!” Only instead of a dark basement with a serial killer inside, my threat was the dressing room with poor self-image lurking.

In the course of those two days, I looked through scads and scads of dresses and tried on over 50 items. Oh yeah, 50. How many did I buy? A whopping four, and one of those was a clearance T-shirt bought on a whim.

Why was it so difficult? Because my body sucks!

No, no, that’s not the reason. Yet I had several moments when self-doubt crept up and settled in my bones. “I hate my stomach.” “I look pudgy in this.” “My butt is flat.” “Have I always had all this arm fat?”

After Day One of 32 items tried on and zero purchased, I returned home and fell into a funk. I’m not proud, but there may have even been thoughts of buying a tube of Pillsbury chocolate chip cooking dough, grabbing a large spoon, and drowning my discouragement in sugar and chocolate.

However, I did not succumb!

In fact, I’m a few days out from that whole experience, and I want to share what I learned:

1. I continue to struggle with feeling beautiful at times. I still have my moments of frustrations with my body, struggling with getting older, and not appreciating the masterpiece God made me to be. I’m not perfected on this point.

2. Those times are fewer and shorter-lived than before. Since actively trying to feel beautiful, I’ve done better. I recently listened to a sermon by James MacDonald of Harvest Bible Chapel, and he noted we often think of changing as a steady decrease of our brokenness; however, the truth is we usually struggle with the same things as before, but as intentional Christians they become less frequent and shorter-lived. We recognize our moments of struggle more quickly and respond better with godly answers. I see that in my own life.

3. The scriptures I’ve memorized come to mind when I need them. When I slipped into my body-image blues, Psalm 139:14 came to mind: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” And principles I’ve learned about God’s love, His provision, His care for me were all present in my heart, keeping me from staying too long in that bad place.

4. My husband helps me feel beautiful. Hubby was with me on Day One (that trooper!), and we made love that night. He doesn’t care that my tummy isn’t getting fitness awards or that my body isn’t as young as it once was. He simply sees the woman he loves, God bless that man.

5. Fashion designers don’t always “get” real women. Or maybe rarely get real women. We ladies commonly complain that we don’t know who they’re designing clothes for, because it isn’t for our bodies. So why did I expect it to be easy? That said, it is possible to find clothes that fit and flatter you.

6. Learn what looks good and stick with that. It took me many tries, but by the end of the weekend I had some things figured out. Certain styles would not look good on my body (as it is now) no matter what, and other styles held possibility. Let yourself experiment and figure out what works on the (beautiful) body you have. Then you can avoid grabbing something off the rack to try on that will not flatter and choose styles that likely will.

7. Keep up the positive self-talk. It really does matter what you say to yourself. After a while, you start believing it. At first, I didn’t do this well during my shopping trip and beat myself up for not looking goh-geous in everything I tried on. By Day Two, I had a different perspective and stayed far more positive. I was a beautiful woman, and my goal was simply to hunt down clothes that helped me show and feel that truth.

8. Rely on godly friends. Just a shout-out here to my friend “L” who stuck with me on the phone as I hunted down the right look. She even let me text her photos and ask for her thoughts. She helped with opinions, but also keeping my spirits up.* You might do better shopping with an encouraging friend, a family member, or your spouse. It certainly helped me.

Do I feel beautiful? Not all the time.

But it isn’t always about how I’m feeling. I know I’m beautiful, because I was crafted by an amazing Creator. I want to take care of the body He gave me, and that includes appreciating it, even when a shopping trip isn’t going my way.

I am still on the journey of feeling beautiful, but I’m getting better and better.

And since I’m sure some of you are wondering, here’s one of the outfits I came home with:

*Just a quick note that Spock (hubby) was with me on Day One. He really tried to encourage me, but he’s not a wordy guy and didn’t know what to say. His reassurance when we got home helped me more than we were out and about. And that’s okay. Your husband doesn’t have to be and do everything for you. I let Spock be who he is, and seek out friendships to support me as well.

The post Feeling Beautiful: 8 Things I Learned While Shopping appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.