Higher desire spouses by definition want sex more than their mate. But sometimes they don’t want it either. What causes a higher desire (HD) spouse to pass up or avoid sex.

Well, I asked some HD spouses.Let’s look at their top nine reasons for saying no, thanks.

Rejection Still Stings

Recalling the last time they got a no means it can take more effort to try the next time. Do they want to risk rejection again? As one spouse put it, rejection “deflates my desire.”

Many HD spouses feel both vulnerable and hopeful when they initiate or suggest that “maybe, perhaps later, if you’re open to it” they could have sex with their spouse. And hearing another no leads to disappointment and discouragement. (See How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels.)

Does this mean the lower desire (LD) spouse owes their let-down spouse sex? Look, it’s your body and God designed sex to be mutually agreed upon and enjoyed—meaning you should have the option to say yes or no to any particular sexual encounter! Also, the HD spouse may need to lower their expectations. That said:

1. Rejection stings more if it’s common. If it’s a no now and then, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. (Listen to Episode 35: “Be Worth Sleeping With,” with Kevin A. Thompson – Knowing Her Sexually for more on that.)
2. Not now is so much better than no. If you can, giving a rain check—even better, with a window of time in which it will happen—can make the occurrence a put-off rather than a put-down.

If this is an ongoing issue, see 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and address what you can.

My Lover Isn’t Into It

One HD wife said it this way: “It is just a chore or check list for him.” Other spouses report that their beloved sighs, rolls their eyes, or says yes with weariness in their voice—making it clear that they will but they don’t wanna.

In a recent webinar with Dr. Jessica McCleese, a certified Christian sex therapist, we talked about the problems with “duty sex.” You can still register and view the free webinar: Negative Teaching About Sex: How It’s Hurt Your Marriage and What To Do About It.

Among the problems with duty sex are that it makes sex transactional rather than mutual and it doesn’t really satisfy either spouse. It’s dissatisfying for the LD spouse who feels put upon and shows up only because they feel they must or should.

But it also doesn’t meet the longings of the HD spouse. While it might temporarily scratch an itch, what I hear time after time from HD spouses is that they long to be desired, to share sexual pleasure with their beloved, and to feel deeply connected through physical intimacy.

Now if you’re the one struggling to get into it, the answer isn’t more duty sex. It isn’t additional pressure or pep talks to show up in the bedroom with a smile. It isn’t suggesting you fake enthusiasm to stroke your HD spouse’s ego.

Rather, figure out why you’re not into it. Do you need to embrace the beauty of your body? Do you need to speak up more for what you want? Do you need to tap into your sensuality? Do you need to improve your marital relationship? Do you need your spouse to kiss you more, engage in longer foreplay, and/or understand how your sex drive works?

If the issue runs deeper, do you need to get counseling for yourself or the both of you?

The first step may be believing that you could get into it, that there are answers, and that you deserve a great sex life too.

Unwanted Consequences

The sex was great! But now, I don’t want to get pregnant. Or get a UTI or yeast infection. Or experience pain or fatigue afterward.

Both HD wives and husbands resist sexual activity if they deem the risk not worth the benefit. That is, a pleasurable encounter that lasts minutes to an hour may not seem worth the week-long infection or another child you’re not ready to have. Maybe you know it’s going to sap your energy, and you need that energy for something else.

And some may have experienced discomfort or pain afterward, making sex a less appealing event.

The best option, of course, is to address the underlying consequence. If you’re prone to infections, work with your doctor to figure out how to manage or avoid them. If you’re concerned about getting pregnant, figure out which contraceptive method is best for you. If you’re having pain, find a good doctor and troubleshoot the issue until you get it resolved. If you’re just too tired, check your schedule and see if you can find other times for sex.

Not all consequences can be entirely removed, but most can be managed.

Sex Is Only for My Mate

Maybe you’re an HD wife whose husband gets his climax, but you don’t get yours. And it feels like you shouldn’t insist, because it was already a “win” for him to make love at all. Or maybe you’re an HD husband whose struggle with erectile dysfunction makes finishing a hit-or-miss proposition. Whatever the reason, you want sex, but when you get there, it feels one-sided.

Now there’s nothing wrong with one-sided sex now and then. But if that becomes the norm in your marriage, it can be particularly frustrating.

It’s probably time to talk about this with your spouse. Without accusation or anger, explain how you really want sex to be mutual and ask how you could work together to reach that goal. If your spouse has really been trying, but it hasn’t gone as well as you’d hoped, be sure to show appreciation for where you are while setting a vision for where you want to be. And if you need resources to deal with the underlying issues, whether physical, emotional, or relational, then seek those out.

Only One to Initiate

Being the one to initiate every single time can be exhausting for some spouses and make them feel that if they stop, all sex in the marriage will die. They wonder why such an important aspect of the marital relationship is squarely and solely on their shoulders.

At times, an HD spouse just can’t find the will to initiate again. They long for their spouse to take charge, even if it’s just now and then.

Ideally, a couple needs to discuss how sex is initiated. The LD spouse may feel their sending signals that don’t get heard or feel awkward initiating and need some ideas. You might come up with simple ways to indicate willingness, like lighting a candle or wearing a certain item to bed. And an HD spouse may want to switch from outright initiation to availability (see Flip the Switch from Initiation to Availability).

Relational Conflict

When the relationship outside the bedroom is strained, it’s difficult to be vulnerable and intimate in the bedroom. That can happen when one of you is angry, when there’s ongoing criticism or disrespect, when there’s been a betrayal, or simply when relational tension is high.

Not surprisingly, the best course of action is to resolve the conflict. That might start with breathing space so that one or both can calm their physiological and emotional reactions. It might involve several discussions to reach unity. It might require intervention in the form of counseling or a marriage intensive.

The best sex happens in a loving, respectful, committed marriage. Make that a high goal.

On a related note, check out Knowing Her Sexually podcast Episode 9: The Myth of Make-up Sex.

Not Feeling Good

Her period. His illness. Surgery recovery. Mood disorder. Chronic pain. Whatever the issue, if you’re not feeling good, you probably don’t want to have sex.

Some temporary issues simply resolve, but others require intervention. If that’s where you are, visit your doctor, address your diet, find exercise you can and will do, get more and better sleep, and/or engage in more self-care.

Get back to feeling good so you can feel really, really good in the bedroom.

Sex Is a Tool

Some LD spouses, knowing how much their mates desire physical intimacy, have used sex as a tool to get other things they want. Whether stated aloud or not, the message is “I’ll have sex if you _____.” I actually know a woman who tried to get her husband to eat healthier with this formula (specifically trading blow jobs for fruit consumption).

At first, a HD spouse might go along, because hey…sex! But, as stated earlier, transactional sex is ultimately unsatisfying. Because if you have to give your spouse something else for them to show up, then they don’t want to be there or they feel okay about manipulating you.

By the way, this is just as bad an idea for the HD spouse to suggest bartering sex for something else (“You give me sex, and I’ll give you _____”). While I understand the intentions behind some such recommendations—such as affection for her and sex for him—sex was designed to be should be mutually desired and enjoyed! It doesn’t have be equally desired, but you should both want to be there for the sake of sex itself. If an LD spouse doesn’t want sex, then that should be addressed.

It’s fine to playfully suggest a “trade” and even to cater to one partner over another from time to time, but a sex life built on bartering sells you and the experience short.

Worried Others Will Know

Plenty of spouses who want sex shut down if and when they think their kids, relatives, or neighbors will overhear or know they’re “doing it.” It’s all well and good, as long as nobody suspects you’re having an orgasm.

Let me assure you parents, first, that even kids who know about sex rarely know what’s happening in their parents’ bedroom. They don’t want to know the specifics and will concoct their own explanations for unusual noises or locked doors. By the time they’re teens, they should respect your privacy and go elsewhere or put in their headphones if they believe something’s going on behind that door.

Besides, what if your children did realize that their parents have sex? Would the world crumble? No, it would not. In fact, it’s good for kids to recognize that sex can and should continue well into marriage.

As for the neighbors, be respectful enough not to wake anyone at 3:00 am, but they probably aren’t listening and don’t care. Use a noise machine or turn up some music, if you’re concerned.

And you can find ideas for engaging in sex with relatives around here and here.

Each of those reasons has a slightly different fix. And of course, your have to consider your own particular situation, including your beloved spouse.

Yet I hope it’s helpful to break down some reasons why a higher desire spouse isn’t up for sex sometimes.

The post 9 Times Higher Desire Spouses Don’t Want Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Based on my personal experience and the reports of others, let me share what I’ve learned. And I believe these tips can help both higher drive wives and husbands.

1. Ask your spouse for sex.

Instead of or as part of initiating, directly ask your spouse if they’re interested in having sex right then.

Too often, we expect sexual intimacy to unfold naturally as one mate feels desire, moves toward the other, and the next thing you know they’re tumbling into the bed together. Cue passionate music, heavy breathing, and extreme pleasure. You can picture that based on some movie you saw or novel you read, right? Or even the way we talk about sex generally.

But over here in Real Life, it’s a good idea to simply ask a lower interest spouse if they’re interested or might become interested through affection and arousal. And no, such a request is not unromantic or dispassionate.

Indeed, to a lower drive spouse, asking can come across as honoring their choice in the matter, rather than insisting on your need, your desire, or your timing.

2. Respect your spouse’s responsiveness.

Don’t expect they have or should have the same drive you do. Lower desire spouses tend to have more responsive sexual interest.

That physiology or personality is not an indication of their love for you. They would likely be that way no matter whom they’d married. But of course, your spouse chose and married you.

Now it’s difficult for some higher desire spouses to appreciate responsiveness, because their love genuinely drives them to seek out physical connection. They just can’t comprehend loving their spouse and not wanting to do it often and well. But your spouse being different doesn’t make them wrong or broken or unloving.

Remind yourself that responsive sexual desire is still sexual desire. Choosing to engage and experiencing sexual intimacy is what really matters.

Remind yourself that responsive sexual desire is still sexual desire. Choosing to engage and experiencing sexual intimacy is what really matters. @hotholyhumorous
Share on X

3. Help your spouse get in the mood.

Among the common reasons a lower desire spouse doesn’t engage? Too busy. Exhausted. Stressed. Distracted. Not in the mood.

Why not help your spouse remove obstacles whenever and wherever you can? This is why “choreplay” works—not because it’s earning sex. Of course not! That’s not God’s design for physical intimacy. But coming alongside your spouse to ease their burden and help them prioritize sexual intimacy is entirely biblical.

Find out what facilitates your spouse’s sexual readiness, then do what you can to assist. If that means putting the kids to bed so a wife has time to shift roles from exhausted mommy to hot mama, become the best bedtime daddy ever. If that means learning how to touch his body in the morning to “awaken his manhood” just right, perfect your moves. If that means setting the stage for lovemaking with low lighting, music, and a massage, head to the bedroom and get to it.

What actually helps your spouse get in the mood is specific to them, so ask what they need or want—and then deliver.

4. Initiate more often than you expect to have sex.

Prepare yourself going in that there will be more nos than you would give, and that’s okay. Your lower desire spouse may not say yes every time, but aren’t there things you pass on from time to time?

Not sex perhaps—if you’re usually ready or rarin’ to go—but shouldn’t it be all right for a spouse to pass on joining their spouse for a conversation or an activity now and then? It hardly means you don’t love your spouse if you’re not up for something at a particular moment. The same may be true for your spouse and sex.

In a good marriage, the initiation success rate shouldn’t be low, but allow that you may need take more swings than you’ll get hits. You two can still round the bases plenty if your sexual intimacy is otherwise healthy.

5. Request the rain check.

This is an important point. Star this tip.

If your spouse says no, don’t leave it there. Ask when would be a better time. Would later today work? How about the morning? Does it need to wait until the weekend?

By calmly following up, you let your spouse know your sexual interest doesn’t just disappear with a no from them, you show respect for their input on when to best have sex, and you settle your anxiety about when it will happen next.

But make sure you ask for that rain check calmly. Don’t poke and prod and pester about getting your sex fix. Simply ask what works for your spouse, inviting your beloved into intimacy at a more conducive time.

6. Talk about what sex means to you.

Often we list “talk about it” first, and you may need to have a conversation. But make it an ongoing practice to express gratitude for those moments that sated your desire for intimacy with your spouse. This is not the whole “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” plan. Speak instead with honor and grace.

Letting your spouse know how much the sexual encounter fed your heart or soul can make the next experience more likely and more enjoyable.

Letting your spouse know how much the sexual encounter fed your heart or soul can make the next experience more likely and more enjoyable. @hotholyhumorous
Share on X

Those are the six tips for inspiring your spouse to say yes. It may be worth taking this list to your beloved and asking where they feel you could improve.

The post 6 Tips for Inspiring Your Lower Drive Spouse to Say Yes to Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Now my actual experience in working with eating disorder clients is zero. So I cannot attest personally to that wisdom, but it made some sense to me that there are just some groups you don’t want to put together. It’s too tempting to make comparisons, feel worse about yourself and your situation, and draw conclusions that harm you more in the long run.

This is how I sometimes feel about high-drive wives and high-drive husbands reading each other’s comments on my blog.

I can’t tell you how many times a higher-drive wife has said something like, “It’s so discouraging to read about all those husbands who are eager to have sex in their marriage when I can’t get my husband interested in me.” And the same from higher-drive husbands too.

Faced with comments from high-drive spouses of the other gender, when you’re struggling with your own low-drive spouse, it can be easy then to do one or more of the following:

• Feel even worse about your circumstances
• Believe your spouse doesn’t really love you
• Push your spouse even harder to meet your sexual needs
• Imagine there’s something seriously wrong with you or your spouse
• Fantasize about being with someone whose libido matches yours
• Throw up your hands and give up

Not a single one of those options is a positive development for your marriage, but I understand why you might go there. It’s tough to be struggling and see that others have it not only easier, but seemingly really easy.

What can you do when you read comments like those? How can you avoid having a swarm of negative emotions rise to the surface? Let’s talk about some options.

1. Recognize it’s just one area of life. Obviously, I believe it’s an important area of marriage, or I wouldn’t spend most of my time here writing about sexual intimacy. However, sex isn’t the only kind of marital intimacy. And marriage isn’t the only thing going on in your life either. I know couples with great marriages who’ve dealt with ongoing stress and emotional pain from caring for a disabled family member, grieving the loss of a child, facing financial hardship, and much more.

When you’re struggling in an area where someone else seems to be doing well, it can appear that everything is unicorns and rainbows in their world while you’re living through a personal apocalypse. That’s just not true. Everyone has problems, and you don’t always know what challenges someone else is facing in their life.

2. Be grateful for what you have. This is the flip side of encouraging you to not focus all the time on what you don’t have. Rather, seek out and positively reinforce the good happening in your life and your marriage. Very few things are all bad or all good; rather, we have helpings of both. Look for what’s working and celebrate that.

Indeed, by focusing on the good in your spouse and your relationship, you might encourage an atmosphere in which you can start dealing with your challenges in sexual intimacy. We all tend to be more successful working problems from a place of strength and encouragement. And if after searching and searching, you can’t find anything  in your marriage to be grateful for, then it’s time to go talk to a Christian counselor.

3. Pay more attention to the low-drive comments. If you’re a higher-drive wife wanting to get a husband on board with more sexual intimacy, what you need are ideas of how you can reach out to a lower-drive spouse. Focus in on what low-drive spouses say about why they don’t want sex as much. Could some of those issues be present in your marriage? How could you address them?

Recalling the testimonies I’ve heard, I can’t think of a single marriage bed that improved without one spouse making an effort to understand where the other one is coming from. What often happened is one spouse went first in becoming more sympathetic, and the other followed. Read the other side for low-drive spouses and start building your sympathy for what your own spouse is going through. Develop a better understanding of what’s happening so you can address the issues.

4. Stop reading comments. If you know that reading the comment section is going to sink your heart and make you feel worse about your marriage, why do you do it? You could do other things with your time, like read other informative blogs or marriage books or take a walk or go sit with your husband and watch a show.

I know you’re desperately looking for answers. I want so much to give you help and hope, but if you’re not getting it here in the comments section, or even in my posts, maybe you need to try something else. Blogs are one part of marriage ministry, but there are many other resources and maybe something else would work better for you. (Also see Should You Be Reading My Blog?)

One final note to high-drive husbands. I want to address something I’ve seen ongoing on my blog and Facebook page, when high-drive husbands say something like, “I can’t imagine a man not wanting sex as much or more than his wife” or “If your husband doesn’t want sex, something’s wrong with him.” I know you’re speaking from experience and trying to help, but it’s really not helping higher-drive wives and lower-drive husbands.

I rarely hear from low-drive husbands, because what guy is going to risk having his Man Card taken by confessing that he doesn’t have a high libido? Too many men are not getting help and addressing a mismatch of sex drives in their marriage because they are embarrassed to speak up.

The truth is that in the majority of marriages, the husband is indeed the higher-drive spouse, but a substantial minority of marriages, estimated at 15-30%, have higher-drive wives. That’s millions of men whose wives want more sex than they do. So please don’t treat it like it’s a rare disorder or a lack of masculinity, because it just isn’t. Thank you.

Remember that we all see our world from our own lens. Let’s get rid of the smudges of comparison on our lenses and look at our own marriages clearly, positively, and hopefully. As Theodore Roosevelt or Dwight Edwards (depends on who you ask) said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In turn, I believe hope is a bringer of joy. Focus on hope.

And be sure to listen tomorrow to our next Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast episode on Mismatched Sex Drives.

The post Why High-Drive Spouses Get Frustrated Reading Comments appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

What do you recommend for wives who do not become aroused during love making? My husband has a very high sex drive. He wants it every night and would like it several times a night not just once. We have been married almost 40 years. I [used] to enjoy sex but in the last 10 years I have found it impossible to become aroused. We still have sex even though he knows I get nothing out of it. I am just going through the motions. I try to keep him happy. I spoke with my Doctor but he didn’t have any suggestions as to why this happened. I am beginning to feel used because my husband doesn’t seem to care as long as his needs are met and on his days off hounds me for sex all day long even if we had sex the night before. If I give in, he then starts in a couple of hours later wanting sex again. It seems the more sex he has the more he wants. I am at the end of my rope. I want him to be happy but I don’t know how much more I can take.

Honestly, my first reaction was: Of course, you’re not aroused during lovemaking! You’re exhausted, honey. And he’s not considering your needs and desires.

Upon further thought, my second reaction was the same. But let’s break this down further. Because that thought—true as it may be—doesn’t lead to solutions.

His extra-high sex drive

One of the tough things when you’re dealing with an issue that feels off in your sexual intimacy is knowing what’s normal. You think to yourself, Is this how it should be? If you get your information from media (please, don’t), you’d think that everyone is either having sex constantly or that they experience a complete death of their sex lives upon saying “I do.” Neither of those scenarios is anywhere close to true. But you’re hardly going to take up your own research study and ask around about everyone else’s sex lives until you have a statistically significant sample and then draw conclusions about what’s healthy and normal.

But I’d read a lot on this subject, so let me assure you that a husband at his age who expects several times a day is atypical. Yes, men can continue with high libidos well into their elder years. But by this time, the desire is not usually as frequent and urgent. I wouldn’t be asking simply why your body isn’t aroused, I’d want to know why his body is on overdrive. For instance, is he on testosterone supplements and needs his medication adjusted?

It may not have a physical/hormonal cause, but I’d sit down with my hubby and explain that, while I respect his desire for frequent sexual intimacy, several times a day is just more than you can handle and more than men of his age typically want. Ask why he thinks his sex drive is so strong, and talk about ways he can release some of that pent-up feeling that doesn’t involve more sex than your body can take. I’m not talking about masturbation, but rather physical activity or meditation or a hobby that gives him something to do. If you think there could be a physical component, ask him to see a doctor and request to go with him for support and understanding.

You’re his wife, not his sex service

You say, “I am beginning to feel used.” I immediately wondered why you’d only just begun to feel that way.

It sounds like he’s treating you as his sex service, more than his wife. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage isn’t about either one of you being at the other’s beck-and-call. It isn’t about relieving pent-up stress with a “fix.” It isn’t about one person’s pleasure to the neglect of the other person’s pleasure.

While you have an obligation in marriage to have sex with each other (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you also have the right to set boundaries. I can’t remember who said this first, but that scripture has been explained something like this: Yes, your body belongs to him, but his body belongs to you. Thus, he might expect your body to be up for grabs one night, but you could turn around and say, “Fine, but your body will treat my body in this way.” Bluntly put, he has part ownership of your vagina, but you have part ownership of his penis. He doesn’t get free rein with his body parts to subjugate your body parts.

Now I believe that if he only wanted a physical release, he knows he could take care of that on his own. He does want you, because he’s not simply pursuing sex, but sex with you. However, he may think that you’re not supposed to be as into this as he is, and thus it’s okay to treat your body the way he’s treating you. And it’s just not okay.

I hope you’ve explained calmly but firmly how his constant advances make you feel. If not, sit him down and talk about the kind of intimacy you desire for your marriage. Talk about that verse in the Bible and what it should mean in your marriage. Open up the Song of Songs and read together—seeing how mutual the sexual pleasure was for this married couple.

If he responds, great! If he doesn’t get it, set some boundaries. You don’t have to say yes every single time he proposes sex. And you can make suggestions back to him, like “I need time to mentally and physically prepare” or “Can we reschedule until the morning when I’m feeling better?” If he starts treating you like your his personal love doll, you can stop things right there and say, “I want to cooperate and enjoy this, but you have to respect me as a person and how I feel.” Be aware that when you set boundaries with someone, you will likely get some pushback—because you’re changing how things work—but if you can calmly stick with it, you can get the point across over time and alter the pattern of behavior.

Your arousal and satisfaction matters

Twice you said how you want him to be happy, and that’s great. Oftentimes that’s where we need to start with improving our sexual intimacy—a desire to give our spouse delight. But sex in marriage isn’t about one spouse being happy. God intended sexual intimacy to be a mutually satisfying experience.

You say: “We still have sex even though he knows I get nothing out of it. I am just going through the motions.” And your initial question was: “What do you recommend for wives who do not become aroused during love making?” I recommend you speak up and ask for what you need in the marital bedroom.

You say that you used to enjoy sex, so you know what arousal and enjoyment feel like. But you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling because your arousal and enjoyment has not been prioritized in your marriage. Your husband obviously has no problem requesting (again and again) for what he wants in the bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with you advocating for your sexual pleasure.

Want examples?

• “Honey, I’m open to making love tonight, but I cannot just go through the motions. I want to feel pleasure in your arms. I need you to slow down tonight and help me feel truly aroused before we begin intercourse.”
• “I remember enjoying sex so much in the past, and I want to enjoy it again with you. Can we please work on helping me climax? I think that would increase my enjoyment a lot.”
• “I want you to be happy with our sex life together, but I’m not happy with the lack of pleasure I feel. I need your help to get my body back in the game. I promise we can make love later, but for now, can we focus on what makes my body aroused enough to crave sex with you?”

You should also feel free to speak up in the moment with comments on what feels good, where you’d prefer him to move his hand, what sexual position you’d like to try, etc. Take charge sometimes so you can learn what you like and he can see that you’re trying to get involved but you won’t settle anymore for sex not feeling good.

Get your own body checked out

Usually, I start with this one. But given your story, I think the more likely cause of your lack of sexual responsiveness is the dynamics in your marriage. However, it’s worth asking your doctor again if everything’s going the way it should. We ladies can have issues as we age, especially with dryness. Make sure your hormones are balanced and your vaginal walls are secreting properly. If your doctor waves it aside, be a little more insistent. Tell him this is causing issues in your marriage, and you want to know without a doubt that everything is fully functional.

As you can see, a lot of what I say here equates to being your own advocate. I believe God intended you to have a beautiful experience in the bedroom as well. While we should absolutely serve one another in our marriage beds, sometimes the balance shifts so drastically, the neglected spouse needs to speak up. I think that’s where you are in your marriage, and I pray that you find the godly wisdom, the right words, and the loving actions needed to make healthy changes in your sexual intimacy.

The post Q&A with J: “He Wants It Every Night…Several Times” appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.