As someone who pays attention to news and information about higher desire wives, I’ve noticed an increasing number of confessions and articles from wives who long for sex more than their husbands. But I rarely see features from husbands sharing their experience of being the lower desire spouse. Why don’t men admit when their sexual interest falls short of their wives’?

Let’s talk about some likely reasons why husband doesn’t confess his lower drive publicly.

He feels like a freak.

Higher drive wives (HDWs) have told me again and again that they feel like the odd one out—an anomaly. Given the messages they absorbed, from both secular and Christian sources, they presumed the natural state of things involved a rarin’-to-go husband and a lesser interested wife. Indeed, the conversations among women and men continue to support that scenario, as some husbands brag about all the sex they want and wives complain about all the sex their husbands want.

Why wouldn’t the husband feel like an anomaly as well? Surprised to discover he’s not as interested as she is. Questioning whether something’s wrong with him. Wondering if he’s the only one. After all, he’s heard all those messages too.

My first message to higher desire wives is always: You are not alone. And let me say the same to lower desire husbands (LDHs)! Not only are you not alone, you are 20–25% of husbands.

Does that seem high to you? It did to me too. But when I went digging into the research on this question, I very quickly discovered that 15% was a solid baseline, meaning LDH/HDW happened in at least 15% of marriages. However, the best studies I’ve seen place the likely range in that 20–25%, and some show up to 30%. This is also consistent with reports I’ve heard from marriage counselors and sex therapists.

Lower desire husbands are not freaks. They just have a different dynamic in their marriage. So if that’s you, remember that a bunch of those guys saying, “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to get my wife home!” are embellishing at best. Probably because they don’t want to feel like a freak either and don’t realize how frequent LDH/HDW occurs.

He feels like a failure.

Men don’t like to do things they aren’t good at.

You might say, “That describes women too!” and I agree that describes many women. But it seems especially true for men that they feel judged on their ability to accomplish things. This perspective begins way back in childhood, as noted by linguist Deborah Tannen:

For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships … For most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order.

Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Boys try to one-up each other, showing that they’re capable and confident, even if they secretly don’t feel as capable and confident as they sound. But they want to feel like they’ve got this. They know what they’re doing and can do it well.

So what happens for that kind of man when he enters marriage and feels that he doesn’t satisfy his wife sexually? She wants sex more than he does and/or more than he feels he can perform. In some cases, that sexual desire gap makes a husband shut down even more. If he can’t be good at something, why bother?

Mind you, HDWs don’t feel this way. Sure, they’re disappointed by rejection and lack of physical intimacy, but they don’t see their husbands as sex failures. In fact, they’d give their guy an A+ for effort. That is, if a husband works with his wife to figure out how to address the interest gap and prioritize lovemaking that meets both of their desires, a wife is usually pretty happy.

You only really fail when you don’t try. Working through the gap may involve confusion, setbacks, and negative feelings along the way, but success follows trial-and-error, learning, and remembering that you’re on each other’s team. And intimacy with your wife is worth the effort!

He fears the feedback.

What will his friends think? Actually, a lower desire husband probably knows what other men would think about his wife wanting sex more than he does. I’ve received pushback from certain men ever since I wrote my first higher desire wife post over 10 years ago. I have to believe LDHs see and hear all this stuff too.

These aren’t exact quotes, but I can definitely summarize the kind of things said:

• “If he doesn’t want sex more than she does, there’s something wrong with him.”
• “I don’t believe that many guys like this exist. I’ve never heard about it!”
• “Why would any red-blooded man not want to have sex with his wife?”
• “Maybe he’s gay.”
• “I can’t even understand that.”

Given such responses, can you see why a husband wouldn’t want to volunteer his lower sex drive? He risks losing the respect of his peers, and some men would even take away his “man-card.” My own husband noted that for many “one sign of male virility is the strength of his sexual desire.” But masculinity is not defined by being more sexually driven than your wife!

To all of you who have said discouraging things about lower desire husbands, please, please stop. You likely didn’t mean to hurt others, but statements like these keep LDHs from acknowledging, discussing, and resolving the sexual interest gap.

And to you lower desire husbands, you know what gets my respect and the respect of many others? Speaking up in spite of the risk and showing that real men can and do have lower sexual interest their wives. That requires courage. You may find the feedback isn’t as big a deal as you expected. Plus, there’s strength in numbers. Another husband may step forward, relieved to find someone else who gets it.

He doesn’t know the fix.

My husband and I also have a different dynamic in our marriage when it comes to asking for road directions: He will ask right away, and I will drive an hour out of my way trying to figure it out myself. I recognize this is not a good approach, but I relate to you men who don’t want to admit you’re lost and believe you really can get there on your own! Also, plenty of y’all would rather watch 30 hours of YouTube videos on how to repair something than call someone else to do it, and you listen to nearly from every complaint the people in your life with the hope that you can provide the right answer to fix the problem.

But what if the problem is that you don’t want sex as much as she does? Do you know the fix? Do you know where to look for the fix? Is the fix even something you want to do?

Instead of admitting you don’t know what to do, you’d rather ignore the problem, hoping it will go away, or wander around with the silent prayer that you’ll figure it out eventually.

But what if the fix isn’t that difficult? What if I could tell you what’s going on and how to deal with it? Okay, I can’t exactly diagnose your situation, but I’ve learned a LOT about navigating the sexual interest gap, and there are answers. Some are rather simple, and others require more effort. They range from talking through issue with your wife, to figuring out what sparks your arousal, to improving your health, to quitting porn, and beyond. (I’ll cover more of that in a later post.)

But if you don’t admit you’re lost and seek directions, you may well end up with your marriage in a place where you don’t want to be. You don’t need to know the fix right now, just that there are fixes—or rather ways to pursue satisfying sexual intimacy in your marriage.

What now?

Giving you a list of ideas to follow-up on requires another post, which I will write later. BUT in the meantime, I do have a resource to recommend. It’s really for your wife, but since this live event for higher desire wives will be fully recorded to be watched (or rewatched) later, you may want to encourage your beloved bride to sign up! What she learns, she can share with you, and you can talk out the issues together.

Also, this should convince you that you’re far from the only one. And that couples can navigate this challenge together! (Believe me, I’m pulling for you.) Click the banner below to learn more!

RELATED POST: A Letter to the Low Drive Husband

The post Why Don’t Men Fess Up About Having the Lower Drive? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Higher desire spouses by definition want sex more than their mate. But sometimes they don’t want it either. What causes a higher desire (HD) spouse to pass up or avoid sex.

Well, I asked some HD spouses.Let’s look at their top nine reasons for saying no, thanks.

Rejection Still Stings

Recalling the last time they got a no means it can take more effort to try the next time. Do they want to risk rejection again? As one spouse put it, rejection “deflates my desire.”

Many HD spouses feel both vulnerable and hopeful when they initiate or suggest that “maybe, perhaps later, if you’re open to it” they could have sex with their spouse. And hearing another no leads to disappointment and discouragement. (See How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels.)

Does this mean the lower desire (LD) spouse owes their let-down spouse sex? Look, it’s your body and God designed sex to be mutually agreed upon and enjoyed—meaning you should have the option to say yes or no to any particular sexual encounter! Also, the HD spouse may need to lower their expectations. That said:

1. Rejection stings more if it’s common. If it’s a no now and then, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. (Listen to Episode 35: “Be Worth Sleeping With,” with Kevin A. Thompson – Knowing Her Sexually for more on that.)
2. Not now is so much better than no. If you can, giving a rain check—even better, with a window of time in which it will happen—can make the occurrence a put-off rather than a put-down.

If this is an ongoing issue, see 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex and address what you can.

My Lover Isn’t Into It

One HD wife said it this way: “It is just a chore or check list for him.” Other spouses report that their beloved sighs, rolls their eyes, or says yes with weariness in their voice—making it clear that they will but they don’t wanna.

In a recent webinar with Dr. Jessica McCleese, a certified Christian sex therapist, we talked about the problems with “duty sex.” You can still register and view the free webinar: Negative Teaching About Sex: How It’s Hurt Your Marriage and What To Do About It.

Among the problems with duty sex are that it makes sex transactional rather than mutual and it doesn’t really satisfy either spouse. It’s dissatisfying for the LD spouse who feels put upon and shows up only because they feel they must or should.

But it also doesn’t meet the longings of the HD spouse. While it might temporarily scratch an itch, what I hear time after time from HD spouses is that they long to be desired, to share sexual pleasure with their beloved, and to feel deeply connected through physical intimacy.

Now if you’re the one struggling to get into it, the answer isn’t more duty sex. It isn’t additional pressure or pep talks to show up in the bedroom with a smile. It isn’t suggesting you fake enthusiasm to stroke your HD spouse’s ego.

Rather, figure out why you’re not into it. Do you need to embrace the beauty of your body? Do you need to speak up more for what you want? Do you need to tap into your sensuality? Do you need to improve your marital relationship? Do you need your spouse to kiss you more, engage in longer foreplay, and/or understand how your sex drive works?

If the issue runs deeper, do you need to get counseling for yourself or the both of you?

The first step may be believing that you could get into it, that there are answers, and that you deserve a great sex life too.

Unwanted Consequences

The sex was great! But now, I don’t want to get pregnant. Or get a UTI or yeast infection. Or experience pain or fatigue afterward.

Both HD wives and husbands resist sexual activity if they deem the risk not worth the benefit. That is, a pleasurable encounter that lasts minutes to an hour may not seem worth the week-long infection or another child you’re not ready to have. Maybe you know it’s going to sap your energy, and you need that energy for something else.

And some may have experienced discomfort or pain afterward, making sex a less appealing event.

The best option, of course, is to address the underlying consequence. If you’re prone to infections, work with your doctor to figure out how to manage or avoid them. If you’re concerned about getting pregnant, figure out which contraceptive method is best for you. If you’re having pain, find a good doctor and troubleshoot the issue until you get it resolved. If you’re just too tired, check your schedule and see if you can find other times for sex.

Not all consequences can be entirely removed, but most can be managed.

Sex Is Only for My Mate

Maybe you’re an HD wife whose husband gets his climax, but you don’t get yours. And it feels like you shouldn’t insist, because it was already a “win” for him to make love at all. Or maybe you’re an HD husband whose struggle with erectile dysfunction makes finishing a hit-or-miss proposition. Whatever the reason, you want sex, but when you get there, it feels one-sided.

Now there’s nothing wrong with one-sided sex now and then. But if that becomes the norm in your marriage, it can be particularly frustrating.

It’s probably time to talk about this with your spouse. Without accusation or anger, explain how you really want sex to be mutual and ask how you could work together to reach that goal. If your spouse has really been trying, but it hasn’t gone as well as you’d hoped, be sure to show appreciation for where you are while setting a vision for where you want to be. And if you need resources to deal with the underlying issues, whether physical, emotional, or relational, then seek those out.

Only One to Initiate

Being the one to initiate every single time can be exhausting for some spouses and make them feel that if they stop, all sex in the marriage will die. They wonder why such an important aspect of the marital relationship is squarely and solely on their shoulders.

At times, an HD spouse just can’t find the will to initiate again. They long for their spouse to take charge, even if it’s just now and then.

Ideally, a couple needs to discuss how sex is initiated. The LD spouse may feel their sending signals that don’t get heard or feel awkward initiating and need some ideas. You might come up with simple ways to indicate willingness, like lighting a candle or wearing a certain item to bed. And an HD spouse may want to switch from outright initiation to availability (see Flip the Switch from Initiation to Availability).

Relational Conflict

When the relationship outside the bedroom is strained, it’s difficult to be vulnerable and intimate in the bedroom. That can happen when one of you is angry, when there’s ongoing criticism or disrespect, when there’s been a betrayal, or simply when relational tension is high.

Not surprisingly, the best course of action is to resolve the conflict. That might start with breathing space so that one or both can calm their physiological and emotional reactions. It might involve several discussions to reach unity. It might require intervention in the form of counseling or a marriage intensive.

The best sex happens in a loving, respectful, committed marriage. Make that a high goal.

On a related note, check out Knowing Her Sexually podcast Episode 9: The Myth of Make-up Sex.

Not Feeling Good

Her period. His illness. Surgery recovery. Mood disorder. Chronic pain. Whatever the issue, if you’re not feeling good, you probably don’t want to have sex.

Some temporary issues simply resolve, but others require intervention. If that’s where you are, visit your doctor, address your diet, find exercise you can and will do, get more and better sleep, and/or engage in more self-care.

Get back to feeling good so you can feel really, really good in the bedroom.

Sex Is a Tool

Some LD spouses, knowing how much their mates desire physical intimacy, have used sex as a tool to get other things they want. Whether stated aloud or not, the message is “I’ll have sex if you _____.” I actually know a woman who tried to get her husband to eat healthier with this formula (specifically trading blow jobs for fruit consumption).

At first, a HD spouse might go along, because hey…sex! But, as stated earlier, transactional sex is ultimately unsatisfying. Because if you have to give your spouse something else for them to show up, then they don’t want to be there or they feel okay about manipulating you.

By the way, this is just as bad an idea for the HD spouse to suggest bartering sex for something else (“You give me sex, and I’ll give you _____”). While I understand the intentions behind some such recommendations—such as affection for her and sex for him—sex was designed to be should be mutually desired and enjoyed! It doesn’t have be equally desired, but you should both want to be there for the sake of sex itself. If an LD spouse doesn’t want sex, then that should be addressed.

It’s fine to playfully suggest a “trade” and even to cater to one partner over another from time to time, but a sex life built on bartering sells you and the experience short.

Worried Others Will Know

Plenty of spouses who want sex shut down if and when they think their kids, relatives, or neighbors will overhear or know they’re “doing it.” It’s all well and good, as long as nobody suspects you’re having an orgasm.

Let me assure you parents, first, that even kids who know about sex rarely know what’s happening in their parents’ bedroom. They don’t want to know the specifics and will concoct their own explanations for unusual noises or locked doors. By the time they’re teens, they should respect your privacy and go elsewhere or put in their headphones if they believe something’s going on behind that door.

Besides, what if your children did realize that their parents have sex? Would the world crumble? No, it would not. In fact, it’s good for kids to recognize that sex can and should continue well into marriage.

As for the neighbors, be respectful enough not to wake anyone at 3:00 am, but they probably aren’t listening and don’t care. Use a noise machine or turn up some music, if you’re concerned.

And you can find ideas for engaging in sex with relatives around here and here.

Each of those reasons has a slightly different fix. And of course, your have to consider your own particular situation, including your beloved spouse.

Yet I hope it’s helpful to break down some reasons why a higher desire spouse isn’t up for sex sometimes.

The post 9 Times Higher Desire Spouses Don’t Want Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

It’s been too long since I posted here! I do have things to say about sex, but maintaining my blog has been a distant second to regaining my health lately. I need that health to keep both myself and my ministry on track. So today, I’m going to do something I never, ever do: just write a post and publish it without editing much, if at all.

I’ll cover a few things that have been on my mind lately, talk about them a bit unfiltered, and let the chips fall where they may, so to speak.

Oh, for the love, Bill Gates too?

The news of Bill and Melinda Gates splitting was sad. We all like the idea of long-term couples, and it’s particularly hopeful to see a couple work together on charitable causes. But then, more information came out.

Now, it appears that Bill Gates regularly pursued women and had affairs during his marriage (pick your source: Bill Gates Had Reputation for Questionable Behavior Before Divorce – The New York Times, Bill Gates ‘pursued’ several women in his office during marriage to Melinda: report | Fox Business).

In wake of this discovery, I texted some friends:

Can we PLEASE have just one guy with real power who turns out to be a good, faithful husband and doesn’t use the workplace as his own personal pick-up bar?!!!!

I’m not anti-Bill Gates. But I am sick and tired of hearing about men with power abusing their status to sate their sexual fantasies. This isn’t about men’s sexual “needs.” It’s about being a jerk and using other people for your own gain.

And it begs the question of why sex is the avenue that So Very Many Men in power choose to flex their muscle? I could do a whole breakdown of the psychology, but it comes down to selfishness and seeing others as your way to fill the empty holes of yourself rather than treating them as people. PEOPLE. Not women I can bang. People that God created as complex humans in their own right.

If you can’t get your psyche right, then I’ll make it easy for you: don’t do anything in the workplace that leads to one of you taking off your pants.

And for the rest of us, if anyone in the workplace acts that way, I don’t care who they are. They don’t deserve a job working with others. Trust me, if there was no Bill Gates, we would still have word processing software.

Hellfire & damnation sermons don’t work in the long run—even for sex.

I grew up in the Church of Christ, which is to say a denomination that had both theologically evangelical congregations and fundamentalist ones. The fundamentalists among us were given to a lot of hellfire and damnation sermons back in the day, and they scared a fair number of people into becoming Christians … to avoid eternal damnation.

Now, Jesus was certainly concerned about our eternal status, but the vast majority of Scripture is about God pursuing an intimate relationship with His people. The reason we want to go to Heaven and not Hell (however you perceive that) shouldn’t be because one has mansions and gold streets and the other has gnashing of teeth. Rather, one is where we can be close to God our Father, and the other is distant from Him. (An excellent treatment of this is C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce.)

So to all you men writing me to say that I’m insufficiently concerned about your lack of sex because I won’t tell your wife she’s a horrible sinner for denying you what you need, well, I have said that long-term sexual refusal is a sin. But so is badmouthing your wife at every turn, especially publicly on my blog or social media. (I tend not to approve spouse-bashing comments.) And the ratio of me saying, “Hey, wife, this is missing the mark—aka sin,” to the times I say, “Sex is an important part of overall marital intimacy, so let’s figure out how to help you have a healthy and holy sex life,” is going to lean heavily on the latter.

I will not “hellfire and damnation” your wife into having sex with you. Even if it worked—and it rarely does—she’d be there for all the wrong reasons! You, husband, are supposed to be like God, pursuing an intimate relationship with your wife.

For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
“For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.

Isaiah 54:4-8

That includes sex, but it’s about a lot more than sex. Yes, I know it’s difficult and emotionally painful and you want to give up or scream or something. But I am here, and will be here, doing everything I know to help you figure out why she isn’t interested in sex and what you can do to help her get there. Because I do care, and I care enough to suggest things that actually work and don’t make you into the jerk you sometimes seem to be.

So yes, I want you get to laid, but I won’t pressure your spouse to have sex with you.

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Sex is more important than many believe and less important than some believe.

In that same vein, I must reiterate that sex matters in a marriage. It really, genuinely, deeply matters. The physical act of sex, done in a way that honors one another and the Creator of it, can bring a couple together in ways that nothing else quite can. It’s revealing, vulnerable, powerful, and intimate. It’s exciting, reassuring, calming, and sweet.

If I didn’t believe sex was important, I wouldn’t have focused my attention on it for over 10 years of ministry. I wouldn’t think I still have a lot more to say on the subject. I wouldn’t be eager to share excellent resources from myself and others to help couples navigate sexual intimacy.

But I also haven’t had sex in a while. It’s been over a week and less than a month in my marriage. We both miss it. But we also both know that I just can’t right now. I had nose surgery last week, and the first set of painkillers didn’t take. The doctor had to call in a second prescription—oddly, a weaker opiod—that finally took the edge off enough for me to sleep more than an hour at a time. I’ve been sleeping with ice packs (when I can sleep) and had a cast on my nose until a couple of days ago. Now I have a very bruised nose and am being very careful not to get close enough to anyone that they could accidentally bump my nose. I might just faint and die. (Okay, I exaggerate a little for effect! Lol.)

I have another surgery scheduled in June. (Oh yes, J’s Health Quest has been quite the journey!) I will need weeks to recover from that one. No idea how soon sex can happen then, though I’m hoping we can squeeze in some lovemaking between this recovery and that one.

But you know what? I don’t feel less connected or loved by my husband. He feels disappointed that we can’t, but not rejected or unloved. It does make me believe that if tomorrow, God forbid, we couldn’t have sex anymore, I would grieve. But I wouldn’t leave.

Now I KNOW that not being able to make love and refusing to make love are two entirely different things! I’m not equating them, and if you’re in the Being Refused group, that is wrong and sucks and see all points above. But I also believe that, whatever the reason, you can still pursue intimacy in other areas that strengthen the marriage as a whole.

In fact, sometimes when you have to find other ways to connect, you and your spouse become more interested in connecting physically overall. I really do want to make love to my husband soon, in no small part because of how he has prioritized our sex life. He believes it matters, and even when I was all casted up and had some, um, nasal discharge, he was helping me put on clothes one day and managed to feel me up a little—demonstrating that he still finds me attractive, even now, go figure. But he believes that I matter more than sex.

By placing the proper emphasis on sex, I’m more interested not less. And I feel more connected to him.

We’re doing better discussing higher desire wives, but we still have a ways to go.

I read an article recently about men who desire sex less than their wives and why that might be. I won’t share the author because that’s not the point and I don’t like the tactic of attacking colleagues who are giving it their best. Rather, I want y’all to learn how to discern for yourself which resources are worthwhile and which should get a full pass.

But this Christian author did a good job on some aspects of addressing the subject and a rather poor job in other areas. Reading it with the lens of a higher drive wife, I could see how plenty of such wives would come away feeling even more discouraged and upset, rather than heard and empowered. Not that it’s about us all feeling heard and empowered; of course, I’m all for reporting biblical truth and giving practical yes-this-works advice.

However, if a wife comes away from reading about their higher desire with the feeling that “Yes, I am undesirable,” then the next logical step isn’t working the issue but sitting down with box of chocolates and a screw-top bottle of wine and watching reality TV until you’re finally convinced others’ lives are worse than yours, meaning you can stomach at least one more day of sexual rejection.

Here are just a few things I know about higher desire wives, based on my own experience, engaging with many HD wives, and extensive research:

• HD wives/LD husbands constitute about 15-20% of marriages.
• Some marriages are always HD wife/LD husband, and some shift to that over time.
• LD husbands run the gamut from ongoing sexual refusal (sexless marriage) to just not initiating as much.
• Reasons for lower drive include physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual areas, and most husbands have more than one reason for their lower drive.
• For HD wives, emotional support can be as important as practical advice.

And here are a few things I hear about higher desire wives that make me want to scream:

• If a husband doesn’t want his wife, it’s because she’s unattractive or not doing enough to sexually attract him.
• All LD husbands should get on testosterone boosters—problem solved.
• Porn is the reason men don’t want their wives.
• HD wives should just read all the advice about HD husbands and apply it to themselves.

It’s not that there aren’t some things about the second list that have some truth to them. (For instance, porn is evil, and it plays a role.) However, we have umpteen resources nowadays that presume the scenario that he wants sex more than she does. With all that’s out there, you can have a lot of ideas and tips and theological deep-dives and relational ideas and whatever to help such couples. There’s room for complexity.

With higher-desire wives, they are still mainly the one-off article from people who otherwise don’t talk about it much. Or maybe the one-off paragraph in various articles. Without more coverage of the topic, we miss stuff. I’ve missed stuff in the past, and I’ve been the higher desire spouse!

What can I do? How can I make a difference? Well, I’d been working on a book for higher desire wives for a while when my current illness took over. I’ve become even more determined to make that a primary focus of my ministry when I regain my health! I’d love for y’all to pray that I can make that happen.

Also, I’m starting to reach out to colleagues about higher desire wives, letting them know who I am, why I have special interest in this topic, and sharing what I know so that they can address the topic with greater effectiveness. Again, prayers please! I need wisdom to communicate with respect and kindness and convince prominent authors and speakers to consider their words more carefully.

Not out of things to say, but spent.

Wow, 2000+ words spit out in a single sitting. And it’s not all that I have to say, but it’s all I could do today. And all you people want to read from me in a day anyway!

How shall I wrap it all up? Well, basically, my thoughts these days about sex run along various lines. Some involve how seriously screwed up sex is in the world and even in the Christian church. Some involve how individuals have such deep hurts in the area of sex that seem insurmountable at times. Some involve how a lot of couples just need biblical truths, encouragement, and practical tips to keep prioritizing sex in their marriage! Some involve how marriage can be both fabulous and challenging. Some involve how good my husband looks when he wears those Wranglers and the boots and he… Oh, wait, that’s not something y’all need to hear about! ~wink~

All of my thoughts come down to this:

1. Sex as God designed it to be –> Powerful and Intimate.
2. Sex any other way –> Nope. Keep trying until you have #1.

The post A Hodgepodge of Thoughts About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Based on my personal experience and the reports of others, let me share what I’ve learned. And I believe these tips can help both higher drive wives and husbands.

1. Ask your spouse for sex.

Instead of or as part of initiating, directly ask your spouse if they’re interested in having sex right then.

Too often, we expect sexual intimacy to unfold naturally as one mate feels desire, moves toward the other, and the next thing you know they’re tumbling into the bed together. Cue passionate music, heavy breathing, and extreme pleasure. You can picture that based on some movie you saw or novel you read, right? Or even the way we talk about sex generally.

But over here in Real Life, it’s a good idea to simply ask a lower interest spouse if they’re interested or might become interested through affection and arousal. And no, such a request is not unromantic or dispassionate.

Indeed, to a lower drive spouse, asking can come across as honoring their choice in the matter, rather than insisting on your need, your desire, or your timing.

2. Respect your spouse’s responsiveness.

Don’t expect they have or should have the same drive you do. Lower desire spouses tend to have more responsive sexual interest.

That physiology or personality is not an indication of their love for you. They would likely be that way no matter whom they’d married. But of course, your spouse chose and married you.

Now it’s difficult for some higher desire spouses to appreciate responsiveness, because their love genuinely drives them to seek out physical connection. They just can’t comprehend loving their spouse and not wanting to do it often and well. But your spouse being different doesn’t make them wrong or broken or unloving.

Remind yourself that responsive sexual desire is still sexual desire. Choosing to engage and experiencing sexual intimacy is what really matters.

Remind yourself that responsive sexual desire is still sexual desire. Choosing to engage and experiencing sexual intimacy is what really matters. @hotholyhumorous
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3. Help your spouse get in the mood.

Among the common reasons a lower desire spouse doesn’t engage? Too busy. Exhausted. Stressed. Distracted. Not in the mood.

Why not help your spouse remove obstacles whenever and wherever you can? This is why “choreplay” works—not because it’s earning sex. Of course not! That’s not God’s design for physical intimacy. But coming alongside your spouse to ease their burden and help them prioritize sexual intimacy is entirely biblical.

Find out what facilitates your spouse’s sexual readiness, then do what you can to assist. If that means putting the kids to bed so a wife has time to shift roles from exhausted mommy to hot mama, become the best bedtime daddy ever. If that means learning how to touch his body in the morning to “awaken his manhood” just right, perfect your moves. If that means setting the stage for lovemaking with low lighting, music, and a massage, head to the bedroom and get to it.

What actually helps your spouse get in the mood is specific to them, so ask what they need or want—and then deliver.

4. Initiate more often than you expect to have sex.

Prepare yourself going in that there will be more nos than you would give, and that’s okay. Your lower desire spouse may not say yes every time, but aren’t there things you pass on from time to time?

Not sex perhaps—if you’re usually ready or rarin’ to go—but shouldn’t it be all right for a spouse to pass on joining their spouse for a conversation or an activity now and then? It hardly means you don’t love your spouse if you’re not up for something at a particular moment. The same may be true for your spouse and sex.

In a good marriage, the initiation success rate shouldn’t be low, but allow that you may need take more swings than you’ll get hits. You two can still round the bases plenty if your sexual intimacy is otherwise healthy.

5. Request the rain check.

This is an important point. Star this tip.

If your spouse says no, don’t leave it there. Ask when would be a better time. Would later today work? How about the morning? Does it need to wait until the weekend?

By calmly following up, you let your spouse know your sexual interest doesn’t just disappear with a no from them, you show respect for their input on when to best have sex, and you settle your anxiety about when it will happen next.

But make sure you ask for that rain check calmly. Don’t poke and prod and pester about getting your sex fix. Simply ask what works for your spouse, inviting your beloved into intimacy at a more conducive time.

6. Talk about what sex means to you.

Often we list “talk about it” first, and you may need to have a conversation. But make it an ongoing practice to express gratitude for those moments that sated your desire for intimacy with your spouse. This is not the whole “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” plan. Speak instead with honor and grace.

Letting your spouse know how much the sexual encounter fed your heart or soul can make the next experience more likely and more enjoyable.

Letting your spouse know how much the sexual encounter fed your heart or soul can make the next experience more likely and more enjoyable. @hotholyhumorous
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Those are the six tips for inspiring your spouse to say yes. It may be worth taking this list to your beloved and asking where they feel you could improve.

The post 6 Tips for Inspiring Your Lower Drive Spouse to Say Yes to Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Not long ago, I posed a simple question in my higher drive wife group.

Over 100 Responses

The 111 answers I received reveal a lot about how a spouse regularly rejected in marriage feels.

Of course we’re not talking about the occasional no or not-now answers that are entirely reasonable within the course of a marriage! Rather, these are emotions experienced by spouses who see a pattern of sexual refusal or disinterest from their spouse.

Instead of writing a lot about their responses, I simply want to share the list of emotions, in hopes that:

1. Frustrated, higher drive spouses will recognize they are not alone.
2. Refusing or gatekeeping spouses (not just lower drive, which is normal) can see how emotional sex is for the HD spouse.

Related posts: Is Sex Disconnected from Love for Men?, Do You Personalize Sexual Rejection?

Take the Vow

One caveat, though: We higher drive spouses will now raise our hands and promise the following:

I will not use this post to feed my resentment or anger, but rather to grieve through my own situation and sympathize with others. Moreover, I will not use this post to challenge or berate my spouse for not giving me sex.

Later this week, I will share what those same HD wives believe their LD husbands feel about their situation. Because a big gap in sex drives affects both spouses emotionally. And it’s important to also consider the feelings our spouse is experiencing.

A big gap in sex drives affects both spouses emotionally. @hotholyhumorous
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Here’s the List

Question: What primary emotion do you feel as a result of not getting the frequency and/or quality of sex you desire in your marriage?

Don’t Give Up

Those are heavy words to process. But I want to leave off with the encouragement that many couples who’ve been in this place found their way up and out. We hear success stories in that higher drive wife group too, as sexual intimacy in marriages begins to improve with love, intentionality, prayer, and perseverance. The road isn’t always easy, but it’s a path worth taking.

As the higher drive spouse, do you relate to any of these emotions? If you’ve been a reluctant sexual partner in your marriage, did any of these emotions surprise you?

The post How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.