The above title promises a lot, eh? But the truth is, I can’t make guarantees. A woman’s orgasm is complex, and numerous issues can impact it.

For instance, if she’s dealing with any of the following obstacles, whatever I suggest here may not make a difference:

• Relational conflict
• Sexual trauma in her past
• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Ongoing suppression of her sexuality (often due to poor teaching / modeling)
• Hormonal imbalance

Such issues can be dealt with, but they should be addressed first before adopting some approach or technique to bring a wife to climax.

That said…

Her Climax Matters

You may have read that heading and thought, “Well, yeah.” But studies have recently drawn attention to the orgasm gap between men and women. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

Not great, Bob.

Yet most husbands I’ve encountered really want their wives to enjoy the sexual experience, including a beautiful climax. And most wives want to get to “I’ll have what she’s having” too.

But it’s not always a simple A-to-B trip to get a wife to climax. You may need a more detailed roadmap to get there. If you want that, read on.

Check Conditions

Before you even get to the bedroom, the likelihood of a woman reaching orgasm is influenced by many factors. Whether she’s the lower or higher desire wife, a wife’s arousal and pleasure depend on such things as:

How safe she feels in the bedroom. Does she feel objectified or valued? Is her husband using pornography or saving his sexual attention for her? Has she healed from past trauma, or does she need more intervention? Does she feel seen as a whole person or mostly as a means to an end?

How well she is physically. Is she experiencing headaches or joint pain? Is she dealing with an injury? Does she have a chronic illness that flares up from time to time? Is she having menstrual cramps or backache?

How depleted she is in her life. Is she exhausted all the time? Does she have sufficient help or support with work, childcare, and other issues? Is she struggling with hormonal issues? Have anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions taken their toll?

How connected your relationship is. Does she still feel wooed and/or pursued by her husband? Is there genuine friendship underlying the marriage? Has there been a focus on romance, flirtation, and other forms of intimacy?

How in tune she is to her body. Is she comfortable, or at least willing, to think about her erogenous zones / genitalia? Does she appreciate her five senses? Does she believe her body is good as God made it, including her sexuality?

Some of those, a husband can definitely impact. While others may be left to the woman herself to figure out. Though a good husband might be able to point his wife to quality resources to help her in her journey.

Step by Step

Assuming conditions are good, what gets a woman to orgasm? Let’s break it down.

Tease now, please later.

Set the stage, guys. You should create an atmosphere of anticipation. That involves teasing what’s coming later with romantic words and actions.

Now if you do these things solely with the intention of getting sex, a smart woman will sniff that out and snuff it out. Rather, cherish those moments whether they pay off tonight or two weeks from now.

Some options:

• Send her texts expressing your appreciation, desire, or love for her.
• Plan a date night for the two of you. (Dads, book the babysitter too.)
• Buy her that flower bouquet at the grocery store, or if your wife is like me, skip the flowers and choose something else that demonstrates you were thinking of her.

Make sure you have enough time.

Plenty of men can achieve erection quickly, and after that, the average time during intercourse for a man to climax is 5 to 7 minutes. So for many husbands, 10-15 minutes can get it done.

Not so for many wives. One study showed that the average length of foreplay women experienced was 11 minutes, while they really wanted 19 minutes to get really warmed up. And the average time to reach orgasm after intercourse begins is 14 minutes. That is, if she can even get to climax that way. Sixty to 70% of women require additional stimulation, through a hand, mouth, or marital aid, to get to orgasm. But all in all, the event requires a half hour or more.

But hey, that’s okay. Because that study showing wives want 19 minutes of foreplay also showed that husbands want 18 minutes. And they want intercourse to go longer, when possible.

Clear some calendar time so you can savor the lovemaking experience.

Undress for success.

Sometimes, it’s great to just show up naked, ready to romp! But it can also be very sensual to undress your wife or help her out of whatever she’s wearing.

Here’s a good progression to consider:

• Stand back, gaze at your wife, and compliment her beauty.
• Take her hand(s) and close some of the gap between you.
• Work your way from her hand(s) up her arm/sleeve, find the place where her clothing meets skin, and spend some time touching her with your fingers just under the hem.
• Move to another place where her clothing meets her skin (neckline, bottom of her shirt, etc.) and tease there as well.
• Kiss her along the lines of her clothing with slow, soft-lipped caresses. You can also gently use your tongue to trace that area.
• Remove her first piece of clothing. If she has fasteners (buttons, zipper, etc.), slowly open those. If it’s a matter of simply taking off the piece, remove it by inches, touching and kissing her as you do.
• With each item removed, take a moment to breathe, gaze, and appreciate. Let her know that you love her body, just as it is.
• If she wishes to undress you as well, enjoy!

Explore with curiosity.

Think you know all about your wife? Think again. No matter how long you’ve been married, you have more to learn. Not only because we humans are complex, but because your wife’s mind, heart, and body change every few years.

As a woman in her mid-50s, I can say without reservation that what turns me on now isn’t what turned me on 20 or 30 years ago. It’s not a massive difference, but it’s enough that my husband needs to alter his technique to keep hitting the mark. Thankfully, he remains a student of my sexuality (as I do of his, by the way).

Also, what feels good at one time during a woman’s cycle may not feel as good during another part of her cycle. Yeah, I know—we’re complicated. Thus, the need for curiosity!

Imagine you need to memorize your wife’s body and explore with your eyes, hands, and mouth. Since the more sensitive parts of our bodies are on our heads and torso, a good rule of thumb is to move outward in.

Some wives enjoy a foot rub followed by touch and mouth moving up their legs, while other wives would like attention to their hands, arms, and shoulders before moving on. Still others would appreciate having their hair brushed (really!) or their scalp massaged to help them relax before moving into foreplay.

Speaking of which…

Amp up the arousal.

It took us a while to get to the goodies, right? But we’re finally here, where you can engage with the truly erogenous areas of her body. What are those erogenous zones?

A study of 793 men and women—who were in college, but the information is still useful as a starting point—had participants rank how “hot” a spot was on the body (1 to 10 scale). From warm to hottest, here’s how females ranked their erogenous zones:

• Lower back (4.73)
• Ears (5.06)
• Back of neck (6.20)
• Inner thigh (6.70)
• Nipples (7.35)
• Breasts (7.35)
• Nape of neck (7.51)
• Mouth/lips (7.91)
• Vagina (8.40)
• Clitoris (9.17)

Don’t start at the genitals, guys! Maybe start with a lower (and upper) back massage, along with kisses along her ears and neck. Or work your way up to her inner thigh, skip the vagina and clitoris for a bit, and tend to her breasts for a while.

You could also pay attention to that nape of her neck, her breasts and nipples, and/or her mouth and lips. In fact, deep kissing is one of three major moves correlated with women orgasming (see These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm).

And if your wife doesn’t know what she likes or wants, check out my How To posts and/or listen to our Sex Tips podcast episodes for ideas to try.

Whatever actions you take, you want to turn her on elsewhere so that by the time you touch her vulva (the word for a woman’s external genitalia), she’s ready and even aching for it.

By the way, some wives report that they’re feeling that buildup of pleasure, wanting their husband to keep doing what he’s doing that’s hitting that special spot, and then he changes tactics, and she loses momentum. If your wife says, “Keep going” or “Ooh yes, that,” take her literally and keep doing that thing. If she wants something different, she can let you know.

Remember that 19 minutes women wanted for foreplay? Expect to spend 10–15 minutes on this part. But hey, y’all wanted that time too, right? And hopefully, she’ll be touching you as well on your favorite places!

It’s all about the clitoris.

All orgasms involve the clitoris. Now the part of the clitoris you’re most aware of is likely the glans, or head, which sticks out well above the vagina and swells when aroused. Direct stimulation of that knobby part often helps a woman reach orgasm.

But the clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ that extends on either side of the vaginal opening, and indirect stimulation can also provide pleasure and help a woman come to climax. Indeed, while the vagina itself is sensitive, some of the good feelings from being touched there (with his hand, mouth, penis, or toy) come from pressure on the wishbone arms of the clitoris.

Some wives prefer direct stimulation of that clitoral head that peeks out, while others prefer indirect stimulation. And what she wants may change during the course of a sexual encounter. While it’s all about the clitoris, how to stimulate her clitoris well is up to your wife.

By the way, contact with the clitoral head is not arousing, and may even be irritating, early on in the process or when insufficiently lubricated. So make sure she’s not dry down there but rather has ample moisture—either natural or added lubricant.

Pleasure is the point.

If you aim for orgasm, you may well miss it. Both of you.

In my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, I advise wives that: “Orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sex as much as you possibly can.”

Both husbands and wives can get in their heads too much, seeking that elusive climax, when the real goals should be intimacy and pleasure.

Husbands, don’t worry about getting her to that Big O. Rather, think about what you can do to increase your wife’s enjoyment. By the way, the brilliant Chris Taylor and I did a webinar on that very topic HERE (at $10, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth). Don’t aim for your wife’s orgasm as much as her moment of abandon—that moment when pleasure overtakes her senses and she feels deeply connected to you.

What Is an Orgasm?

How can you know whether your wife experienced an orgasm?

Let’s face it: About half of women have faked orgasms. I have! Not with my husband, but with lovers in my premarital promiscuous past, and I’d bet a Benjamin (aka $100) that none of those guys knew at the time. But one perk of having years of experience with the same partner is feeling things at a more intimate level. Did she just make some noises, or did you feel her vaginal walls contract?

That’s technically what an orgasm is—muscle contractions in the sexual organs. It’s usually accompanied by intense pleasure, but you and she can know it’s happened if her pelvic region spasms. To help wives recognize the feeling, Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner have described it as a “pelvic sneeze”—a moment of release after a buildup of tension.

A husband may feel such contractions on his penis or fingers (if inserted into her vagina), notice it happening when nearby (e.g., manual stimulation or oral sex), or recognize it when his wife reacts with moans, gasps, screams, etc. (Women vary in how they vocalize orgasm, but most women make sound.)

The wife having the orgasm may not follow the typical “it’s like fireworks!” explanation. Orgasms can be explosive, but they can also be experienced as deep satisfaction or lighthearted joy. They can empty a woman’s mind or fill her heart. They can feel life-changing or simply good.

Orgasm doesn’t need to be one specific thing. It’s a sweet payoff for her—and you—however she experiences it.

Finish Well

Achieving orgasm isn’t the end of the lovemaking experience, for you or for her. For one thing, some wives may want more. That’s one of the perks of being a woman! We can experience a longer climax or sequential orgasms. But let your wife be the one to decide. At some point, an orgasm or orgasms can feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable.

But if you’re really done, take time for a bit of afterglow. Express appreciation through words of affirmation or affection. Embrace for a few minutes. Clean up together. Take time to pray and thank God for the gift of sex you both enjoyed.

What happens at the end of sex often sets the stage for the next encounter. Because it demonstrates how you feel about the value of intimacy with your wife.

What If She Just … Doesn’t?

Sometimes you can do everything near perfect, and a wife still doesn’t reach climax. It’s not your fault or hers. Bodies sometimes don’t cooperate. (Men of a certain age recognize that truth as well.)

If she wants to keep trying, go for it. Assuming your penis is done for the time being, use your finger(s), mouth, or a vibrator to help her get there. Alternatively, she can stimulate herself while you pleasure her elsewhere with kissing, caressing her breasts, etc.

But if your wife doesn’t want to keep trying, let it go this time. Reassure her that you enjoyed being close and giving her pleasure. Comfort her if she’s feeling disappointed or frustrated. If she wanted to orgasm but couldn’t, she may also blame herself; be sensitive to her feelings and remind her that bodies simply don’t cooperate sometimes and y’all can try again at a future sexual encounter.

You may want to do some things differently next time, but right after sex isn’t the best time for that conversation. Approach that subject later on to see if she has any tips you can incorporate into your next lovemaking session.

If she continues to struggle for a long time, encourage her to see her healthcare provider and/or seek out a counselor to help her process what’s going on. Offer to go with her, but don’t push. She may want to check things out herself first before inviting you into that vulnerable space.

___

That was a lot of info. Don’t worry, you won’t be tested on it. At least not by me. (I can’t speak for your wife! ~grin~) And you needn’t check these notes as you’re engaging in lovemaking. My intention, rather, is to give husbands ideas of how to help their wives reach orgasm.

As always, check these ideas with your wife. She may like some of them better than others. Try out one or two tips one time and other tips another time. Incorporate more as you go. Test and refine. And remain a student of your spouse so that you can adapt to changing desires and bodies.

But do prioritize your wife’s enjoyment in the bedroom. God’s design for sex is mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy. In other words, sex is for both of you—including a climax.

Sources Consulted:

•  Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(1), 273–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
• Amanda N Gesselman, Margaret Bennett-Brown, Simon Dubé, Ellen M Kaufman, Jessica T Campbell, Justin R Garcia, The lifelong orgasm gap: exploring age’s impact on orgasm rates, Sexual Medicine, Volume 12, Issue 3, June 2024, qfae042, https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfae042
• Miller, S. A., & Byers, E. S. (2004). Actual and desired duration of foreplay and intercourse: Discordance and misperceptions within heterosexual couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 41(3), 301–309. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490409552237
• How Long People Want Sex To Last Versus How Long Sex Actually Lasts – Sex and Psychology
• How long should the ideal sexual intercourse last, according to researchers? | scienceillustrated.com
• How Long Does It Take Women to Climax During Intercourse? | Psychology Today
• Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex – ISSM
• How long does it take a woman to reach orgasm? – ISSM
• SMSNA – How Long Does It Take the Average Man to Ejaculate?
• Penner, Clifford, and Joyce Penner. Restoring the pleasure: Complete step-by-step programs to help couples overcome the most common sexual barriers. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, an imprint of Thomas Nelson, 2016.

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We’ve been married for only 18 wonderful months, and have enjoyed the journey so far! But, I just can’t seem to orgasm. . . . I’m very body confident and pro sex, so I don’t think negative attitudes are what is holding me back. We have tried so many things to help me get there, and I often read blogs and Christian books to glean information. . . . When we make love it’s like I go up and up and up, and feel like I can’t possibly go any higher, but just can’t find what will help me tumble over the edge. It’s frustrating.

I know you encourage masturbation in these circumstances, to find out what works, but my husband closes up at the idea of me going solo, even if he were to be present. This is probably because I had an issue with masturbation when I was a sexually frustrated single woman. Because it was sin to me then, he has a hard time even accepting that it could be part of our marriage bed.

So I was wondering if you have any other ideas that might help, or are we just too green yet? Can I expect that with more time, trial and error and getting to know one another will eventually get me where I want to go?

How many wives have experienced that annoyance of not getting all the way to orgasm? At times, that climax can feel as elusive as the answer to that one crossword puzzle clue you can’t solve. So how can you “tumble over the edge”?

I have stated before that wives who cannot seem to orgasm may want to explore their own bodies to see what works and to demonstrate to their husbands how to touch them. This is very different from pursuing solo masturbation as a habit, because it’s for information and intimacy between husband and wife. But that’s certainly not the only way to go about this, and given the reader’s history, I can understand not wanting to introduce this activity.

First, here are a few prior posts about orgasm:

Orgasm: If Only I Could O
3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm
What’s So Great about an Orgasm?
But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

And Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has a reference page for orgasm posts written by her and others. Reading those posts may help.

Ah, the frustration! I can’t help but think that one is issue is how hard we wives try. I understand that moment when you’re in the midst of making love and what your husband is doing is totally turning you on, and you think any minute now this is going to give me the kind of orgasm that deserves a standing ovation, and then . . . you’re waiting . . . you’re waiting . . . still waiting . . .

“Frustrating” is accurate. But here’s what happens to your body when you’re frustrated:

Throat closes
Stomach hardens
Chest tightens
Blood pressure rises
Head aches
Jaw hurts*

Does any of that sound sexy? No, not really. Of course, your body can tighten up and your blood pressure can rise when you’re in the midst of an amazing high, but most physiology of frustration runs counter to getting you fully to climax.

Which is why when you reach that why can’t I edge over?! moment, one help is to back off that ledge, breathe deeply, and focus merely on the sensations happening in your pleasure zones. This may take you to an earlier point so that you have to build back up again, but you’re more likely to reach orgasm if you can lean into those feelings rather than having them tighten you up.

But what about sex toys? I know exactly what some readers are thinking right now: Just grab a vibrator already and let the buzz do the job! And I know vibrators have helped wives who really struggle with orgasm to finally reach climax. I think there’s a place for such marital aids.

But honestly, the longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the less eager I am about sex toys. Maybe it’s because I watched this shift in our culture to sex being a purely physical experience, and then saw that perspective move in and take hold in some Christian circles. And while I’m 100% sold on sex being physically pleasurable (thank you, God!), if that’s our main focus, we’re missing out on God’s full design for sex in marriage.

There’s something valuable and sensual about using only the body parts God gave you to satisfy one another sexually. Not that it has to happen that way every time, but sex toys can shortcut the opportunity to really get to know our own body and our spouse’s body. Speaking for myself, I find it seriously sexy what my husband’s hand can do, but I wouldn’t be so impressed if a device with batteries did the same thing.

My point is simply that the ideal is to figure out together how to bring complete sexual satisfaction to one another without depending on outside frills. If the problem continues for a long time, however, I’d certainly look into marital aids as an option.

Practical tips. This wife says, “We have tried so many things to help me get there.” Since I don’t know what “so many things” includes, here’s a quick roundup of ideas:

Parts. Contact with his penis is the least easy way to reach orgasm. (Sorry, guys, it’s great — but I’m being honest here.) To reach that first, second, or maybe fifth orgasm, he should use his hands or his mouth.

Pacing. Take time with the build-up. This might feel like a slow-motion movie to a guy itching to get it on with his wife, but oftentimes it’s that first orgasm that’s hardest to reach. Once you know your bodies better, it can become a quicker process. Let your hubby know where to start and what you need, guiding the pacing with clear communication.

Pressure. The right pressure matters. Too hard, and you won’t feel good. Too soft, and you won’t feel. Help him know how much friction you’d like and whether he should press or stroke harder or softer. He’ll likely need to change the pacing as you go, so help him make adjustments.

Positions. Try lying on your back, lying on your stomach, straddling him, butterfly pose (knees cocked out, opening up access), on your knees, sitting on the edge of a chair, whatever you can think of. Despite all of us ladies having the same basic parts, our sensitivities are not the same, and some positions will give you more pleasure than others. See what works for you.

Clitoris. That’s what he’s aiming for. Make sure he starts elsewhere and gets you warmed up, but when it’s time to aim for the climax, he needs to be making pleasurable contact with that little knob of flesh between your urethral opening and your vagina.

Edging. I’ve been planning to write a whole post about this technique, so I’ll move that up in my queue and get to it soon. But edging in mutual sex is bringing your partner close to orgasm, slowing things down, and then bringing her back up again — a few times. This can increase the intensity so that when he finally follows through, it’s easier to reach orgasm.

He’s doing great. One last thing I want to mention: It’s frustrating for hubby too. The general message out there is that real men make their women hit the ceiling with orgasms every time. I have yet to see a rom-com or read a romance novel where the guy was a great lover but his woman didn’t climax. Which is frankly silly.

To husbands reading this, you’re a terrible lover if you aren’t trying. But if it’s a more of a challenge than you expected, hang in there and help her reach the height of pleasure that she, and you, deserve.

And for you wife, reassure your hubby that he’s doing great, that you’re in this together, and that you love that closeness with him. Of course, you want the orgasm and that should be a priority, but let your husband know he rocks your world in many ways.

What other ideas would you add for reaching orgasm?**

*From The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman & Becca Puglisi, a must-have book for fiction authors!

**You might want to check out my Comments Policy. Highly graphic comments or comments linking to questionable resources do not get approved.

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