I have a friend who hates the word “sexy.” It has a negative connotation for her, while I’m eager to embrace the word when my husband uses it to refer to moi. Our histories and perspectives aren’t the same, and that’s okay. I’ve learned to adjust my word choice when I’m in conversation with her.

Especially since I have my own words about sex that trigger a negative feeling. Do you have trigger words as well? Do you know why they don’t work for you? And have you and your spouse discussed what language you both like?

Two Words I Dislike (from Ministries I Admire)

Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy has a fantastic ministry that addresses sex in marriage, but also sexuality throughout one’s life and in various circumstances. I heartily recommend that people check out her resources. But…

She talks a lot about “sexual discipleship.” And I cringe every time I see that phrase. I recognize her use of this term refers to something biblical and beautiful. However, years ago, someone close to me joined a “Christian” cult that emphasized having a mentor (monitor) who discipled you in the faith. That person eventually left, but the damage done by that experience left a scar in my life. From that experience, I concluded that, rather than relying on those who might abuse their power, I would allow myself to be discipled by Jesus alone.

But here’s the thing: the verb disciple simply means to teach or train. In that sense, Ananias discipled Paul. Aquila and Priscilla discipled Apollos. Paul discipled Timothy. And so on. My background makes me wary of that word, but that’s not Juli Slattery’s problem. She’s saying that Christians who understand God’s design for sex need to teach and train Christians and searchers who don’t know God’s design. Which is a great idea!

The second term I struggle with is “sexual anorexia.” It was coined decades ago by psychologist Nathan Hare to refer to a deep aversion, or a “loss of appetite,” for sexual activity, but it was perhaps more popularized by author Patrick Carnes in his book titled—[checks notes]—Sexual Anorexia. Many Christian counselors, marriage coaches, and sex therapists have adopted the term to discuss how individuals starve themselves of sexual intimacy due to fear, anxiety, and a desire for control—sometimes due to past trauma.

While I entirely agree with describing and confronting this scenario, the word anorexia was used against me time after time after time growing up. You see, I was a very thin girl. The most I ever weighed in high school was 104 pounds, my senior year. Believe me, I ate. But no matter what I took in, I was still a size 4 or less. And before you hate me for that…my thin frame involved having little to no curves. I ached to weigh more, to feel more womanly, to shop for clothes and have them just fit.

Instead, I had people constantly asking me if I was anorexic. Including my father. That word became a reminder that I was odd, skinny, less than woman. So I would never, in turn, use the word anorexic about someone without sure evidence, even with sexual in front of it. Something inside me flinches at the idea.

But that’s not Hare’s or Carnes’s problem. They weren’t the ones labeling me anorexic when I wasn’t. (And let me pause here and say that I have enormous compassion for those who have struggled with anorexia. It’s a terrible condition, and I pray for all who have experienced it, especially that they find healing and health.)

Have I Used Your Trigger Word?

Sometimes I say something in a way that triggers a reader and they let me know. I try to clarify my meaning, but it’s more than possible that I used a word or phrase that has a negative connotation for them. And I don’t always know what to do about that. Should I stop using perfectly good words because they don’t work for a few people out there?

If someone makes a good case why I shouldn’t use a term, I certainly take that into account. On our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, I try to stay away from words that don’t land quite right for my cohosts. Knowing, of course, that they represent not only themselves but other wives who feel the same way. But of course, we can’t catch everything that might trigger someone out there.

Indeed, when I read the Bible, I may come across a word or phrase that hits me all wrong. Sometimes I wish we could change some words that have so much baggage the core meaning of a passage gets lost (e.g., submission). But that’s not the fault of God’s Word. Rather, I have to know my triggers and discern accordingly.

Still, if I’ve used a term that made you wince, I’m sorry. That was not my intention. Rather, I try to speak clearly while also varying my word choice to reach an array of readers.

Does Your Spouse Know Your Trigger Words?

Whatever I say pales in comparison to how your spouse speaks to you about sex. I’ve devoted a fair amount of time and effort over the years helping couples communicate more tenderly and effectively about sexual intimacy. I wrote a whole book about it!

I’ve also addressed using words that work for your beloved, with such posts as Talking Flirty vs. Talking Dirty, 5 Sex Words I Really Want to Change, and 101 Words for Your Private Parts (But No Curse Words).

But the best way to know what triggers your spouse is to ask. And the best way your spouse can learn your trigger words is to tell them. I’m hoping this post will encourage couples to have this important conversation!

Just find a time when stress is low, when you can focus a bit, and when you’re in a neutral or positive-for-both-of-you space and then pose questions like:

• “Are there words or phrases I use to talk about sex that bother you?”
• “What words would you like me to use to talk about our bodies and sex?”
• “Did you know that I don’t like _____ [word/phrase]?”

Talk about the why behind your triggers. Some spouses use vulgar or condescending language that most spouses would object to, but sometimes—like the words I shared above—it’s just about your own background. If that’s the case, interpret their words in the best light while requesting a change in how you discuss the topic.

And if you’re the spouse asked to change your words, follow through. It doesn’t have to make sense to you. You may not ever understand why a particular term makes your beloved cringe, but “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31). Show love and honor by cooperating with their request.

By speaking in ways that demonstrate esteem for your spouse, you foster emotional safety and greater marital intimacy overall—both of which are prerequisites for a healthy and happy sex life in marriage.

The post What Are Your Trigger Words? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I can’t give you a “Guaranteed to Work or Your Money Back” promise, but I can give you some advice on how to increase the odds you’ll actually experience progress. Mind you, progress is not immediate resolution. Some problems have quick fixes, some don’t. But almost all of them can be resolved with two willing spouses.

And what you ultimately want to do in a conversation about sex is get the two of you willing to work on whatever ails the marriage bed.

Choose a good time and place. I’ve reiterated maybe a hundred times on this blog that bringing up your frustrations about sex right before or right after you make love or get rejected is not likely to go well. Your tension and desire and vulnerability are all very high, so poking at a sensitive subject may bring out the defense mechanisms or offensive fire for one or both of you.

Instead, get away from the bedroom. It can be your living room, a secluded area in a nearby park, a corner table at a restaurant, a neighborhood sidewalk as you walk together, etc. Simply consider your location, opting for a place that is either neutral or — better yet — positive for both of you. Also pick a time that’s conducive for discussion. Attempting to discuss problems when one of you is stressed or weary or angry won’t lead to effective listening and problem-solving. Set aside time and do your best to find which part of the day or week is most likely to result in calm conversation.

Ask questions and listen to answers. Most of the time when we’re distressed, we feel a deep need to get our own issues of our chest. We want to “clear the air,” “tell you how I really feel,” and “be completely honest with you.” All that’s well and good, but what you need from the conversation is not a vent session but to figure out what your spouse is thinking and feeling. You already know what you believe, but — even if you think you’ve heard it a million times — you probably don’t fully understand where they’re coming from, why they feel that way, what their fears and hurts and dreams and desires are. And that’s what you need to uncover.

So you have to ask questions, then get out of the way and let them answer. Get comfortable with silence even, because it may take some spouses a little while to gather their thoughts and their gumption to say what they want to say.

Consider how you express your concerns. Want more frequent sex? You aren’t likely to get it by saying things like:

• “There’s something wrong that you don’t want sex more.” [Translation: There’s something wrong with YOU.]
• “I’m a man! I need to have sex more!” [Translation: It’s not about intimacy, just a physical need.]
• “If I’d known you didn’t want sex, I wouldn’t have married you.” [Translation: I don’t really love you; it’s just about the sex.]

Have people said stuff like this? Oh yeah, definitely. Did it work? Maybe they got some duty sex, but it doesn’t work in the long-term and it builds resentment for one spouse and dissatisfaction for the other. It isn’t true sexual intimacy.

Focus instead of what the sex means for the marriage. Why do you want to have it with your spouse so very much? Express that deeper need and desire. Yes, it feels good, but if it were only about a physical release of tension, let’s face it: You could do that yourself. Instead, you desire to be one with your spouse. Figure out how to communicate that.

Talk about what you want your sex life to look like, rather than bringing out a list of perceived offenses. Look ahead to a positive, progressing future for your marriage bed, rather than dwelling on problems in the past.

Ask for baby steps. If you’ve been having sex once a month and you expect to start having it every day, you need to dial back your expectations. Yes, I know you feel like you’re in a sexual desert and a spoonful of intimacy isn’t nearly enough. However, change takes time. Talk to people who have quit smoking or drinking or lost a lot of weight, and they’ll tell you it happened day by day, decision by decision. Prioritize moving in the right direction, and over time you can make a lot of progress.

Ask to add an additional sexual encounter to your regular routine. Encourage her to try one new position. Request he spend a few more minutes in foreplay. Purchase together one sexual aid (lubricant, game, etc.) to try. Celebrate small successes and improve your sexual intimacy bit by bit. Being married has the distinct advantage of a long period of time to make huge strides in fostering intimacy — but they’re made step by step.

So those are a few tips for addressing sexual problems in your marriage. What have you found that works? What challenges do you still face in getting your spouse to discuss sexual issues?

The post How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.