It’s a great problem to have: I haven’t been able to blog lately because I’m in a crunch with a book deadline. My wonderful publisher, Baker Books, awaits the latest draft of The Higher Desire Wife, which will be released early in 2025. Since I’ve been steeped in this topic for a while, I decided to look back at the first-ever post I wrote about higher desire wives, way back in 2012.

While I have a LOT more information, insight, and encouragement in my upcoming book (so stay tuned!), what I originally said on this topic held up pretty well. I’d add far more reasons for a husband’s unwillingness to engage sexually, and more advice on how a wife can help her husband get on board, but for what I covered, I stand by it. And I thought it might be worth sharing again, especially since about 25% of marriages have a higher desire wife.

So here it is, originally titled She Wants, He Doesn’t Want (which is a line from the 1967 film Two for the Road, with Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney ).

Men are always the ones hot for sex, while women are lukewarm to cold much of the time. Right? That’s what society, and many churches now, tell us over and over. So it must be true!

No, it’s not always true.

Some wives go day to day questioning what’s wrong with them or their marital relationship because they desire a physically intimate relationship but their hubby doesn’t. It’s the hush-hush secret we don’t discuss that some men don’t care much about having sex, and their wives are silently suffering.

So what happens when a woman isn’t sexually desired by her husband? Most women start to question. They wonder to themselves one or more of the following:

“What’s wrong with me?”

If all husbands are panting and grabbing after their women 24/7 and my husband barely glances my direction when I don a sheer negligee, is there something about me that is distasteful? Am I not attractive?  Why doesn’t he find me physically pleasing?

You are likely a beautiful woman. Your husband desired you enough to marry you. As long as you are reasonably keeping yourself up, your husband should find you attractive. If he doesn’t, there’s something amiss with his standards.

There are things that many women can do to turn their hubbies’ heads (flattering clothes, presentation, etc.), but a man who has almost no sex drive is probably not going to respond merely because you throw on a black lace teddy tonight.

“Is he having an affair?”

If men think about sex every 7 seconds* and my hubby hasn’t thought about it in three weeks, is he getting his fix elsewhere? Is he not pursuing me because he’s already caught another woman?

Some men are having affairs. But if you have no other clues in that direction, this is probably not the case. Moreover, married men in affairs may continue to have sex with their wives, so lack of interest isn’t overwhelming evidence of infidelity. It is probably evidence of lack of interest, period.

“Is he gay?”

Is he simply not interested in sex with women generally? Is he desirous of another kind of relationship? Could he possibly be homosexual? 

There are no good statistics on how many spouses eventually “come out” as homosexual, but it isn’t common. Once again, if you have no other hints that your spouse could be gay, he most likely isn’t. Lack of sex drive is not a good clue for sexual orientation. 

“Is our marriage over?”

Does he not find me physically attractive because he is simply no longer in love with me? Does he not want a sexual relationship because he doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me? 

The marriage is not over. If you have a good relationship otherwise, you can most likely improve this area of your marital life as well.

If you are not experiencing a good marital relationship overall, and your sex life is also poor, you should seek professional help. If your spouse will not go with you, go alone and see if the counselor has suggestions for what you can do to positively impact you both.

Got a desire discrepancy in your marriage? We can help!

“Is something physically wrong with him?”

Is there a medical or emotional problem getting in the way of his sex drive? Is he too embarrassed to admit it? Is he simply okay with not having sex? 

This is the most likely reason for your spouse’s lack of interest! A sufficient amount of testosterone is required for a man to experience a normal sex drive; if he is low on this hormone, his sex drive will decrease.

Low thyroid, depression, high blood sugar, and other factors can also affect your husband’s libido. In addition, negative events of the past can impede a person’s desire and enjoyment of sex with their partner.

If a man was molested or inappropriately exposed to sexual material as a child, it can suppress his ability to engage in appropriate physical intimacy now. 

“What can I do to improve our sex life?”

If I bring up this subject, will I embarrass him? Will he be angry? Hurt? Even less attracted to me? Is there any fix available?

Ultimately, you must bring up the topic if you want to see any improvement. If you are concerned that he will be embarrassed, angry, hurt, or whatever, I recommend scheduling a therapy session with a Christian marriage counselor and addressing it in that safe environment. If you can address it with him alone, select a time away from the children, household interruptions, etc. and find a place with privacy and quiet.

In either setting, don’t complain about the lack of sex or unleash your theories about why he doesn’t desire you; rather, explain that you are concerned about your physical relationship, that you desire greater sexual intimacy, and that you want to address any and all issues that affect your lack of connection in that area. If there was a time when things were better, you can reference a “Remember When…” and explain that you want to experience that closeness again. 

“Is this as good as it gets?”

Am I relegated to a sexless marriage? If it never gets any better, how can I remain in this marriage? How can I be okay with that? 

I wish I could answer this one. A sexless marriage is NOT what God intended. Having said that, if my husband was physically injured tomorrow in a way that made it impossible for us to be physically intimate, would I stay? Absolutely!!! However, I understand that being unable to perform and unwilling to engage are two different things. I simply advise that you spend time in prayer asking for God’s help to work through the hurt and the loneliness you likely feel during this time. Sex is not the only reason to get married; there are many other benefits to having a relationship with your spouse.

Frankly, I don’t know if men ask these questions of themselves when they are living in a sexless marriage. Not having yet cracked the code of the male brain—which my husband swears is a relatively simple connect-the-dots puzzle—I still don’t understand guy thinking. (For instance, when a man says he is thinking about nothing, apparently he is. How is that even possible?!)

But women whose husbands have physically neglected them are probably going through a self-evaluation more extensive than the battery of tests given to a patient on psychiatric commitment. It is okay to ponder the problem, but not good to obsess and question every little thing about yourself or your marriage. Address the issue, seek help if needed, and pray for greater physical intimacy.

The post When She Wants Sex and He Doesn’t (As Much) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

As someone who pays attention to news and information about higher desire wives, I’ve noticed an increasing number of confessions and articles from wives who long for sex more than their husbands. But I rarely see features from husbands sharing their experience of being the lower desire spouse. Why don’t men admit when their sexual interest falls short of their wives’?

Let’s talk about some likely reasons why husband doesn’t confess his lower drive publicly.

He feels like a freak.

Higher drive wives (HDWs) have told me again and again that they feel like the odd one out—an anomaly. Given the messages they absorbed, from both secular and Christian sources, they presumed the natural state of things involved a rarin’-to-go husband and a lesser interested wife. Indeed, the conversations among women and men continue to support that scenario, as some husbands brag about all the sex they want and wives complain about all the sex their husbands want.

Why wouldn’t the husband feel like an anomaly as well? Surprised to discover he’s not as interested as she is. Questioning whether something’s wrong with him. Wondering if he’s the only one. After all, he’s heard all those messages too.

My first message to higher desire wives is always: You are not alone. And let me say the same to lower desire husbands (LDHs)! Not only are you not alone, you are 20–25% of husbands.

Does that seem high to you? It did to me too. But when I went digging into the research on this question, I very quickly discovered that 15% was a solid baseline, meaning LDH/HDW happened in at least 15% of marriages. However, the best studies I’ve seen place the likely range in that 20–25%, and some show up to 30%. This is also consistent with reports I’ve heard from marriage counselors and sex therapists.

Lower desire husbands are not freaks. They just have a different dynamic in their marriage. So if that’s you, remember that a bunch of those guys saying, “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to get my wife home!” are embellishing at best. Probably because they don’t want to feel like a freak either and don’t realize how frequent LDH/HDW occurs.

He feels like a failure.

Men don’t like to do things they aren’t good at.

You might say, “That describes women too!” and I agree that describes many women. But it seems especially true for men that they feel judged on their ability to accomplish things. This perspective begins way back in childhood, as noted by linguist Deborah Tannen:

For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships … For most men, talk is primarily a means to preserve independence and negotiate and maintain status in a hierarchical social order.

Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Boys try to one-up each other, showing that they’re capable and confident, even if they secretly don’t feel as capable and confident as they sound. But they want to feel like they’ve got this. They know what they’re doing and can do it well.

So what happens for that kind of man when he enters marriage and feels that he doesn’t satisfy his wife sexually? She wants sex more than he does and/or more than he feels he can perform. In some cases, that sexual desire gap makes a husband shut down even more. If he can’t be good at something, why bother?

Mind you, HDWs don’t feel this way. Sure, they’re disappointed by rejection and lack of physical intimacy, but they don’t see their husbands as sex failures. In fact, they’d give their guy an A+ for effort. That is, if a husband works with his wife to figure out how to address the interest gap and prioritize lovemaking that meets both of their desires, a wife is usually pretty happy.

You only really fail when you don’t try. Working through the gap may involve confusion, setbacks, and negative feelings along the way, but success follows trial-and-error, learning, and remembering that you’re on each other’s team. And intimacy with your wife is worth the effort!

He fears the feedback.

What will his friends think? Actually, a lower desire husband probably knows what other men would think about his wife wanting sex more than he does. I’ve received pushback from certain men ever since I wrote my first higher desire wife post over 10 years ago. I have to believe LDHs see and hear all this stuff too.

These aren’t exact quotes, but I can definitely summarize the kind of things said:

• “If he doesn’t want sex more than she does, there’s something wrong with him.”
• “I don’t believe that many guys like this exist. I’ve never heard about it!”
• “Why would any red-blooded man not want to have sex with his wife?”
• “Maybe he’s gay.”
• “I can’t even understand that.”

Given such responses, can you see why a husband wouldn’t want to volunteer his lower sex drive? He risks losing the respect of his peers, and some men would even take away his “man-card.” My own husband noted that for many “one sign of male virility is the strength of his sexual desire.” But masculinity is not defined by being more sexually driven than your wife!

To all of you who have said discouraging things about lower desire husbands, please, please stop. You likely didn’t mean to hurt others, but statements like these keep LDHs from acknowledging, discussing, and resolving the sexual interest gap.

And to you lower desire husbands, you know what gets my respect and the respect of many others? Speaking up in spite of the risk and showing that real men can and do have lower sexual interest their wives. That requires courage. You may find the feedback isn’t as big a deal as you expected. Plus, there’s strength in numbers. Another husband may step forward, relieved to find someone else who gets it.

He doesn’t know the fix.

My husband and I also have a different dynamic in our marriage when it comes to asking for road directions: He will ask right away, and I will drive an hour out of my way trying to figure it out myself. I recognize this is not a good approach, but I relate to you men who don’t want to admit you’re lost and believe you really can get there on your own! Also, plenty of y’all would rather watch 30 hours of YouTube videos on how to repair something than call someone else to do it, and you listen to nearly from every complaint the people in your life with the hope that you can provide the right answer to fix the problem.

But what if the problem is that you don’t want sex as much as she does? Do you know the fix? Do you know where to look for the fix? Is the fix even something you want to do?

Instead of admitting you don’t know what to do, you’d rather ignore the problem, hoping it will go away, or wander around with the silent prayer that you’ll figure it out eventually.

But what if the fix isn’t that difficult? What if I could tell you what’s going on and how to deal with it? Okay, I can’t exactly diagnose your situation, but I’ve learned a LOT about navigating the sexual interest gap, and there are answers. Some are rather simple, and others require more effort. They range from talking through issue with your wife, to figuring out what sparks your arousal, to improving your health, to quitting porn, and beyond. (I’ll cover more of that in a later post.)

But if you don’t admit you’re lost and seek directions, you may well end up with your marriage in a place where you don’t want to be. You don’t need to know the fix right now, just that there are fixes—or rather ways to pursue satisfying sexual intimacy in your marriage.

What now?

Giving you a list of ideas to follow-up on requires another post, which I will write later. BUT in the meantime, I do have a resource to recommend. It’s really for your wife, but since this live event for higher desire wives will be fully recorded to be watched (or rewatched) later, you may want to encourage your beloved bride to sign up! What she learns, she can share with you, and you can talk out the issues together.

Also, this should convince you that you’re far from the only one. And that couples can navigate this challenge together! (Believe me, I’m pulling for you.) Click the banner below to learn more!

RELATED POST: A Letter to the Low Drive Husband

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With that in mind, here’s a heart-wrencher question today. This young wife and her husband waited for all the physical stuff until their wedding day, including the kiss. I’ve known others who waited for nearly everything until the honeymoon, and most are like children ripping open the Christmas present with eagerness and excitement; they can’t wait to be intimate! Not so this couple.

My question basically is, how do I encourage my husband to be more comfortable with me when he is (well is seems to me) grossed out by stuff… I try to use my tongue while kissing, and [he] absolutely won’t use his. I have stopped because it makes me feel rejected when he does that, but I really would like to be more intimate that way. I tried reading a book with him called A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds but he didn’t seem interested or at least was to shy to be reading words like sex and orgasm :)…

I don’t know how to help educate my husband so that he is confident in touching me. He doesn’t explore my intimate parts unless I intentionally sit down with him and then he seems to [lose] interest in 3 minutes even though I am doing my best to encourage him. And if I try to move his hand there while in bed he resists me (again rejection feeling). So I want to be respectful of his discomforts so I just suggest every once in a while and leave it at that. But he is fine with me touching him for the most part except that he is extremely ticklish.

So I am feeling frustrated because I want more, but don’t know how to communicate with my shy quite husband. And will I have to keep asking? I also feel frustrated because of the stereotype of the way men should be in my mind and he is not that, i e he does not pursue me aggressively in a sexual manner which is what I want/expect. I feel like I am doing all the work. It seems like he was such a good Christian boy who never ever let his mind wander or fantasize. I ask him if there are things he would like to do or try and the answer is always “i don’t know.” How do I get my husband to want me more and in new ways? I guess the real answer is prayer. I should pray more for him. But again how do I get him interested in learning about sex? 

Mourn with those who mourn. First, I want to hug this wife. Sex is supposed to part of the package deal of marriage, and she’s got a lifetime ahead of her with the man she loves, but it’s just not happening…at all. I want to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), because this is real grief. Yet God knows. And, while I cannot reach her, He can wrap His strong arms around her and her marriage and help her through.

Sexual baggage? Second, my red flags are up and flying at full mast. If this husband were in my counseling office (no, I don’t have one, but let’s pretend), I’d ask a lot of questions about his sexual history. An extreme lack of interest and discomfort with sexual intimacy could relate to events from his past—such as childhood sexual abuse; harsh punishment for sexual curiosity; teaching that sex is “dirty” or sinful; deep and unyielding shame about prior inappropriate activity (e.g., watching porn).

I suggest sitting your husband down outside the bedroom and starting a conversation about your previous experiences with sexuality. When did you learn about sex and from whom? Did you have any awkward experiences as a child? What did you think sex would be like in marriage? If he will not engage—because it’s about S-E-X—state clearly, “I need for us to talk about this, because I want to be intimate with you in every way, including sex. If you cannot talk to me, you have to talk to someone.” Then outline some possibilities for him, like your pastor, a Christian counselor, a mentor friend, a support group.

And yes, I think there could be a point when he’s had ample opportunity to follow through but hasn’t, and you must enlist help from others. That could mean going to your pastor, explaining the situation, and asking him to gently and privately approach your husband. It could mean telling a close friend of his who’s marriage-positive, a wonderful confidant for your husband, and who’ll take a biblical approach. I would not take this step lightly, but it’s also not okay to live like this for years on end.

Just too much? That said, this “good Christian boy who never ever let his mind wander or fantasize” may simply feel in over his head. If he expended a great deal of effort avoiding sex to remain pure, it could be difficult to flip that switch. In which case, I’d put away the Christian sex book (yes, even mine *sigh*) and reach for the ultimate Christian sex book, the Bible. You need to start with helping him understand God Himself is entirely in favor of him exploring, enjoying, and satisfying his wife in the marriage bed.

Three times in the Song of Songs, the Bible says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Many Christians and churches focus on the first half of that verse, making sure not to arouse or awaken sexual feelings and activity before marriage. But the verse doesn’t stop there; it goes on to say “until it so desires,” meaning there will be a time when love should be aroused and awakened because it’s ready. Marriage is that time.

You can share the Song of Songs, or stories from the Bible about sexuality (4 Great Bible Stories about Sex, 3 More Great Bible Stories about Sex). Take him to one of my favorite scriptures on sexuality—Proverbs 5:18-19: “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Pray for him, and pray with him if he’ll agree. It may help to find some of these specific scriptures and adapt them to pray for your husband’s interest and engagement. For instance, using the above scripture: “Bless my husband’s fountain, Lord, and help him to rejoice in me. Give him Your view of me as loving and graceful. Help him to seek satisfaction in my breasts and my body and to become intoxicated with my love.”

Slowly, slowly. On a practical level, go slow. Like insanely slow. Will this nearly kill you? Not being a patient woman myself, I’m freaking out a little just writing about it. But ask for divine help to persevere and slowly pull your husband out of his extreme timidity.

Set aside chunks of time to use as experimentation. Even if your husband isn’t tuned into his body, your body, and sexuality, he can get there. He may need time, permission, and trial-and-error to figure out what gets him going in the sex department. Explain you want to spend time figuring out how to make sex work between you two.

Also, I’m not a big fan of blindfolds, but I can see a use for it here or simply asking hubby to keep his eyes closed. He may need to tune out the visual of oh-my-goodness-what’s-happening and focus on sensations of touch. Ask clearly and often about what he likes or doesn’t like. If he isn’t comfortable answering with words, he can provide a hand signal or soft noise—whatever works for you. You may need for a time to hold off on intercourse while you help him explore sexuality itself. Remember the goal is ultimately physical intimacy, not a grand finish (although, believe me, I’m in favor of the grand finish).

You have a lifetime together, so breathe easy knowing you don’t have to get this all nailed down by Thursday. Does it suck? I’m a candid woman, so I’m going to agree that it sucks to be rejected by your husband and have him get grossed out by something as simple as a French kiss. Will it always suck? I’m also a Christian woman, so I’m confident saying that answer is no. God has worked wonders in so many marriages when it comes to sexual intimacy, and I think He can spin a beautiful miracle in yours.

What advice do you have for this wife? Do you have a similar situation in your marriage?

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