Couples often struggle to discuss sex, or other issues in their marriage, because they approach communication differently. Today, I want to address a particular communication hang-up—the frustration many a husband has when his wife expects him to pick up on what she wants based on hints, clues, and open-ended questions.

Now I’ve have explained to wives why they should be more straightforward with the men in their lives, but I also think it’s helpful for husbands to hear from a woman that your wife isn’t trying to be difficult but rather behaving in a way that makes sense to her. Because men and women tend to send and receive messages in distinct ways.

A quick reminder: When we talk about how men and women tend to do something, it doesn’t mean you or your spouse fit the typical. Please use generalizations as a launching point for conversation with your mate. The question “Is this true for you?” can be especially helpful in figuring out how you each function and how you can better understand and support one another.

Here are some common male and female differences in communication.

Assertive vs. Polite

Have you heard of “nice girl syndrome”? It’s a real thing, believe me. If you are too straightforward or blunt as a woman, you get labeled a, well, a word that rhymes with “ditch.” And that’s about how you get treated too. Women socialize one another to be polite more than assertive, sweet more than strong, “nice” more than bold.

Growing up in the church, one of the verses I heard most was: “Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4). “Gentle and quiet” was often conveyed as “don’t speak your mind.” So having to say something straight out can actually feel like being too pushy, even unfeminine or ungodly.

Status vs. Connection

Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., linguist and author of You Just Don’t Understand Me: Women and Men in Conversation, has studied gender communication extensively, and she makes the point that men’s conversational rituals are often about exchanging information and negotiating status, while women’s conversations tend to be about building and maintaining relationships.

By our very nature, women’s goal in communication is to understand each other better. We often think that should be your goal too — so why aren’t you trying just as hard to figure us out as we try to figure you out? It’s not a shell game we’re playing; it’s a relational dance we learned while growing up and playing with other girls.

Direct vs. Indirect

One research study about communication differences in the workplace had participants identify strengths and weaknesses in one another. Women said that men were “overly blunt and direct,” while men said that women were “meandering—won’t get to the point.”

Okay, but if the point for her is to build relationships, then just cutting through all the red tape and saying, “I want X” feels like a cheat. To her, the conversation becomes transactional rather than relational. So there’s a reason she’s being indirect, because the point is, again, getting to know each other and showing you understand each other.

Us vs. Them

There’s a real debate in the research about whether women are better at detecting emotions than men. More studies have said yes, others have said no, but one interesting finding from two separate studies was that women read women better and men read men better.

Which means that sometimes we think we’re broadcasting an emotion that he should be able to get, because our girlfriends all see it. Sure, we should know better, but people instinctively do this — expect that how we view things is how others view them. What helps is to become aware of findings like this and recognize that you have to ask, clarify, and confirm your understanding with each other.

Straightforward vs. Subtle

Research has supported what many of us women have also experienced: we pick up on subtlety better than our male counterparts. While men and women are equal in identifying full-blown facial expressions, women are better able to recognize less intense expressions.

God may have hardwired this one, since many women consider this ability key to good mothering. As nurturers, we often need to look at our child and quickly determine what he or she needs. But that also means we can (erroneously) think you in turn can figure out our subtlety.

There you go—several common differences in how men and women communicate.

Of course, communication shouldn’t be all on her terms, or yours. But when we understand that these differences are kind of built into the system, we can at least give ourselves a break for not understanding each other right away and make the effort to put ourselves in one another’s shoes, or brains, as best we can. So that we can communicate well in marriage—whatever the topic.

Related Post: When Women and Men Struggle to Communicate

Sources

• Science Daily – Science Daily – Women Outperform Men When Identifying Emotions
• NY Daily News – NY Daily News – Men have harder time reading women’s emotions: study
• Deborah Tannen – Deborah Tannen – gender specific language rituals
• Forbes – Forbes – Is Your Communication Style Dictated By Your Gender?
• Yes! Magazine – Yes! Magazine – Women Are Better At Expressing Emotions, Right? Why It’s Not That Simple
• PubMed.gov – PubMed.gov – Expression intensity, gender and facial emotion recognition: Women recognize only subtle facial emotions better than men

This article first appeared as a guest post on The Generous Husband as Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think) on June 5, 2018. It has been updated and edited for my readers.

The post When He Wants Straight Talk and She Wants—What DOES She Want? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Normally, I describe my brain as a monkey circus with the trainer on strike. I have many thoughts competing for attention, difficulty sorting them out, and too many ideas to put into practice in real life.

But, as anyone who’s been following this blog knows, I’ve recently had some health challenges. When one doctor asked what my worst symptom was, I answered that fatigue was the worst, but not the most frustrating. By far, the most frustrating symptom has been brain fog.

Monkey Circus or Man Brain?

My monkey circus has mostly gone quiet, with only a trick or two at a time. I’ve had to adjust to a different way of mental processing, and when I talked to my husband and grown son about what I was experiencing, it sounded to all of us like I had “man brain.”*

What is man brain? Well, here’s an explanation of the typical differences between men’s and women’s brains, from marriage authors Bill and Pam Farrel. (Remember, these are generalities, and exceptions exist!)

What I’ve Learned

Partly because I want to help other wives understand their husbands better, and partly because I don’t want to forget myself, I figured I’d share what I’ve learned during this time. What has it been like to have man brain, and what has it taught me about my husband and men in general?

“I can’t do two things at once.”

A friend once explained to a group of moms how she was sharing a list of urgent to-dos with her husband, and he responded, “I can’t do two things at once!” We all shook our heads and agreed that if we couldn’t do two, three, and six things at once, we’d never get through our busy days.

Yes, we thought the husband’s response was a bit of a cop-out. Now, I don’t think so.

Since having man brain, I’ve had to tackle to-dos more linearly. Rather than seeing a whole list of items in my head, I have to consider one item and the next and then the next. Frustrated by this unfamiliar approach, I once turned to my husband and son and said, “How do you people get anything done?!”

But they do. My guys just do things differently, one at a time.

Which reminded me how important it is to give my husband time to process an itemized list (of groceries, vacation ideas, whatever) and encourage him to make an actual list or even make one for him to help a guy out. Letting him work linearly, waffle box by waffle box, honors his mental makeup.

“Please get to the point.”

Studies have shown that women are more likely to meander in conversation. Emerson Eggerichs refers to it as “spiderwebbing.” This can create difficulty for some husbands.

An engineer friend of mine explained it this way: If you tell a man the main point up front, then he can organize and absorb what you’re saying and not be asking himself the whole time: What is she trying to tell me? What’s the thing I’m supposed to get or remember?

Meanwhile, like many women, I’m a storyteller by nature. I like to start with some backstory, set the scene and the characters, add dimension with details and subplots, build tension, and just tell a good tale. What’s my point? Half the time, I don’t know until I’m done. Or the point could be the conversation itself.

Now, I better understand the man-brain perspective. Sometimes, I can’t follow a conversation that meanders. My mind keeps trying to home in on the most important point that I need to know. At times, I’ve become as perplexed as a kitten trying to catch a laser pointer light, and I want to say, “Please get to the point!”

It’s been a good reminder for when I talk to my husband or other men. If I have a point to make, I can begin with it—like a thematic statement. If I don’t have a point, or don’t yet know what it is, I can start with something like, “I just want to share a little about my day.” That lets him know upfront there’s no specific takeaway he needs to track.

“What am I thinking? Nothing.”

Like the Farrels explained in the video, I was among those women who took some convincing to believe that someone could think about nothing at all.

Previously, I’d experienced that in only three situations: unconsciousness, deep sleep, and sexual climax. Indeed, that was a perk of having an orgasm—that my mind got a respite from the monkey circus when it went momentarily blank. (Then, the chimps came scampering back.)

But now? I can think about nothing. Literally nothing. It’s eerie.

It’s also useful. I can fall asleep faster. I can dissociate from what the dentist is doing in my mouth. I can get a mental break between projects or tasks. I can shut out concerns I have about my health, at least for a little while.

I already believed my guys when they said they could think about nothing, but I have a better understanding now of what that looks like. I can see why men like their nothing place, and I don’t feel the need to get them to think something if that’s just where they are at the moment. Soon enough, their mind will gravitate to new thoughts, and they can share those if they want.

I Want My Monkeys Back

All that said, I want my monkeys back! I’ve had some improvement in my brain fog, but the whole circus hasn’t returned. And I miss my crazy, overfull, rarely inactive brain. It’s what I know and who’ve I been, and this time has also taught me to treasure how my own mind worked.

But another reason I want my brain back is that my marriage and our family function better when my husband has his approach, and I have my approach, and together we are more than we are alone. Our differences—confusing or frustrating as they can be at times—complement one another.

It’s like Ecclesiastes 4:9 says: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.” When a husband and wife both function in their strengths and honor one another’s distinctions, that whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Indeed, God Himself is described as having both masculine and feminine traits, and it is only with both man and woman that God’s image is thus fully represented in the world.

Now, of course, if I never get my prior mental functioning back, I’m still the feminine half of this marriage! And we are not incomplete. But the general idea remains—that a husband and wife can together reflect God, when they embrace each other’s strengths.

Mind you, gents, that means you also have to appreciate how your wife’s mind works. But today, I’ve focused on how my experience might help wives understand their husbands better.

What About Sex?

Someone by now is wondering what all this has to do with sex, since that’s what I usually write about! Well, a lot of crossed lines and missed opportunities with sexual intimacy relate to our different ways of mental processing and communication.

For instance, wives tend to struggle more with focusing on sex, while husbands find it easier to jump right into that waffle box (and ignore the rest of the world). It doesn’t help if he feels rejected or gets angry when she can’t flip that mental switch as quickly as he can, or if she considers him selfish because he didn’t hear the kids making noise and stop having sex to check on them. Rather, try to make allowances for your differences, and honor one another’s concerns.

Discuss what you’re thinking and feeling, and look for ways to be generous and gracious. Remember that the primary goal of sex is intimacy (one flesh), and intimacy outside of sex promotes intimacy within sex. The more we feel accepted and loved, the more we can be vulnerable with each other, pursue pleasure, and leave the bedroom fully satisfied.

Related posts: When Women and Men Struggle to Communicate | Hot, Holy & Humorous; Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think) | The Generous Husband (guest post from J)

*Note: Let me be clear that I don’t think brain fog = man brain. Web MD says those with brain fog can be “confused or disorganized or find it hard to focus or put your thoughts into words.” That can look different, depending on your original mental functioning. For instance, if my husband got brain fog, he might lose his singular focus and get the monkey circus instead. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen!

The post What It’s Been Like to Have “Man Brain” appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

The Results of My Survey

Among the reasons were lack of time, agreeing with what was said and having nothing to add, and a few issues with some male commenters. But what caught me off guard was how many women said they did not comment because they didn’t know who would want to hear what they had to say.

Consider these examples:

• I often write a comment … and then don’t post it because I figure I’m not an expert so I doubt my two cents is actually worth anything.
• I generally feel that my words could come across wrong or are not useful as I often speak bluntly.
• I tend to not comment because I always catch myself with “why would my opinion matter?“
• Much like [another commenter] I often wonder why my opinion would even matter, which I know is a little weird considering I don’t have that thought about the comments of others.

While I don’t believe gender differences completely explain this viewpoint, research has shown women are less likely to exhibit boldness than men.

What the Research Shows

According to a commonly cited internal report from Hewlett Packard from the 2010s: “Women…applied for a promotion only when they believed they met 100 percent of the qualifications listed for the job. Men were happy to apply when they thought they could meet 60 percent of the job requirements.” Further studies showed that women didn’t lack confidence in themselves as much as confidence in the system being willing to hire them if they didn’t meet every qualification.

Men have also been shown to be bolder in dating apps, initiating more contacts than women, not by double but four times the number of messages. Certainly some of this is cultural, in that men tend to initiate relationships more often, but it still indicates a bias toward men just going for what they want.

And then there’s the study showing that at meetings where both men and women attend, women speak 25% less than men. Moreover: “Participants who held the floor for a greater percentage of the group’s deliberation were more likely to be seen as influential by the other members of the group. Thus the active use of voice translates into greater perceived influence, as we expected.” Even more discouraging, perhaps, was the researchers’ conclusion that women fare better in homogeneous groups, meaning all women.

So are we ladies really supposed to exist in a world where we only express ourselves fully when in the company of women?

What Are We Missing?

Look, I’m a big fan of gathering into all-female groups at times. I co-host a podcast with that framework, Sex Chat for Christian Wives. I also have a higher-drive wife group, comprised exclusively of women whose libidos are higher than their husbands. And when I speak, I primarily teach women’s groups.

However, I’m really bothered that some of us gals don’t feel like our opinions, our beliefs, our desires are worth expressing, even in mixed company.

And I’ve seen this play out with wives in the bedroom, who have sadly absorbed the message that their sexuality and/or sexual pleasure doesn’t matter as much as their husbands’. When nothing could be further from the truth.

Yet, we have promoted this belief in our culture, both Christian and secular, by talking much more often about the male sex drive, by telling wives their role is to meet their husband’s sexual needs, by presuming that male sex arousal is the sexual cycle for all people (see our “Women’s Sexual Response” episode), and by using scriptures about the mutuality of sexual intimacy to argue that a wife can never say no.

Instead, I want to say unequivocally right now to all of you wives out there: You matter.

The Importance of Women and Their Words

What you feel, what you think, what you believe … is important. What you want, what you need, what you dream about … is valuable. Who you are … is precious.

Just ponder these verses:

• “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26
• “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:16a
• “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7
• “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

And in a society that discounted a woman’s testimony as unreliable in court, our Lord Jesus appeared first to women, making them the initial eyewitnesses to His resurrection (Mark 16:1-8). What a message about how He values the words of women!

What This Means about Your Bedroom

I often feel in my ministry as if I’m balancing two disparate concepts I want wives to understand about their sexual intimacy:

1. We must lovingly care for our spouse’s sexuality.
2. We must speak up for what we need and desire.

Some might say it’s a weaving selflessness and selfishness in the marriage bed. But I think of it as other-focus and self-awareness—an approach that values both of you as equally worthwhile partners in intimacy.

Do you discount your sexual desires? Do you tend to believe his pleasure or climax matters more than your own? Do you hesitate to speak up for yourself and what you want? Do you lack boldness in your bedroom?

Maybe it’s time, or well past time, to value your opinions, express yourself, and create more mutual conversation and sexual intimacy in your marriage.

And hey, comment more here! I’d love to hear what you gals think.

Sources: Harvard Business Review – Why Women Don’t Apply for Jobs Unless They’re 100% Qualified; Forbes – Act Now To Shrink The Confidence Gap; Forbes – The Confidence Gap In Men And Women: Why It Matters And How To Overcome It; The Daily Free Press – Men’s online dating habits more bold than women’s, study finds; Enterpreneur – Head Into Your Next Male-Dominated Meeting Ready to Contribute by Following These Tips; American Political Science Review – Gender Inequality in Deliberative Participation

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This question, more or less, came up in a series of posts written by Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband and The XY Code. You can go read those posts here:

First You Have to Know – The Generous Husband
Why He Thinks It’s a Game – The XY Code
He’s Not As Careful with His Words – The XY Code

I took issue with the word “game” as a description of what’s happening for most women. In addition to commenting, I had a great online conversation with Paul, at the end of which I volunteered to write a post about why women often aren’t as direct in their communication.

Generally speaking, she’s not trying to manipulate him or make it difficult. Most women who haven’t learned a lot about men’s brains and communication style don’t understand they’re being unclear to him. We honestly believe you should be able to see what we’re saying!

Especially because … sometimes he does.

Case in point: My husband, whom I fondly call Spock because he is super-logical and not instinctively romantic, does not pick up on hints. When he tries, he often guesses wrong. However, we stepped into a local furniture/knick-knack store one time, and I commented on how much I loved a particular painting. I thought nothing of it, because I was simply admiring a product at the store.

Lo and behold, at my next birthday my husband presented me with the painting! It now hangs next to my desk:

I don’t know why that one time he paid attention to my interest and followed through with the gift. But had I not already known the way his mind generally works, I might have concluded that his willingness to meet my understated desires was selective. Some women might figure: Because he did it this one time, why can’t he do it all the time? 

But it’s not fair to take a one-off and try to force that into a pattern. That would be like thinking that one time I made a perfect meal means I could deliver chef-worthy food every single night. (Not.)

It’s easy to misread one another if we don’t make an effort to understand the inherent differences in our communication styles, which come from our backgrounds, our personalities, and our gender. Not all of the stereotypes will apply to your spouse, but it’s worth asking whether such things are true.

And give one another the benefit of the doubt when your spouse says you misunderstood their intentions. Yes, if you said X, it would mean Y. But for your spouse, saying X might mean Z. Because we think and communicate differently.

Again, I believe God made it this way because, to have a good marriage, we’re then forced to let go of our selfishness, aim to understand our spouse, and stretch ourselves in loving them. The way Christ modeled.

But let me back to the original question: Do women try to manipulate men? Sure, some do. But most of the time, if a wife’s dropping hints and thinks her husband should pick up on them, she’s not trying to manipulate him. She’s lived her life learning how to pick up on subtlety, and her brain is even hardwired better for this task, so it’s difficult to understand why he can’t. Especially when, as I pointed out, now and then something does stick for him.

Meanwhile, ladies, take those moments as a treat, but try to be more direct with the men in your life. I hear from a lot of husbands who feel frustrated because they want to give their wives what they want, but their wives won’t tell them and the guys cannot figure out the hints. Because men are hardwired that way and learned that communication style.

Look, a lot comes down to verses like these: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). What would it look like to devote yourselves to one another in communication? Would it be one of you getting his or her own way? And what about honoring? Can we honor one another’s way of looking at things and work together to reach understanding?

Let’s not accuse each other of intentions that aren’t there, but rather work through our differences to reach unity.

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).

Now please go read my guest post at The Generous Husband: Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think)

Also check out a great podcast episode I just listened to: The Art of Manliness – The Male Brain

And a great one for wives to read: You’re Not Allowed to Complain About Not Getting What You Didn’t Ask For (It’s more balanced than the title conveys.)

Plus one more: Is It Manipulation? Motive Matters from The Forgiven Wife

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