One of the most frustrating comments I ever get goes something like this: “I wish I’d slept with my spouse before marriage, so I would have known whether we were sexually compatible.” I see at least three major errors in that statement:

1. Regretting that you did the right thing (see What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?)
2. Believing that sex before marriage, a particular point in time, would provide sufficient information about physical intimacy going forward
3. Embracing “sexual compatibility,” the idea that your libidos, bodies, and preferences either match or don’t

I don’t even know where we got this notion of sexual compatibility, because it’s certainly not in Scripture. Rather, the overwhelming message in the Bible is that loving well and prioritizing physical intimacy are the prerequisites to mutually satisfying sex in marriage. God’s plan for great sex in marriage lands in that category of Simple to Understand, Difficult to Consistently Do.

Thinking there’s some magic formula or that couples either fit or don’t simply creates obstacles to progress in your marriage’s sex life! Let’s talk about a better perspective.

Are we fixed or malleable?

Kudos to Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, who coined the term “growth mindset.” Way back in the late 1980s, she began to look at two perspectives students used to measure themselves in regard to performance: the view that personal attributes were largely fixed or that they were malleable. For example, two students who each failed a test might draw different conclusions:

• “I failed because I’m stupid” (fixed)
• “I failed because I didn’t study effectively, but I can learn” (malleable)

That can also be true of successes—where the fixed view of that someone succeeds because they’re inherently smart or capable (fixed) or because they worked hard and overcame challenges (malleable). Dweck called that malleable view a “growth mindset” and proposed that it causes less overall anxiety and leads to a more successful life.

Sounds like common sense, right? If you think your efforts aren’t that related to how things go for you, you won’t want to put in as much effort and you’ll experience greater stress, at least in those areas where success doesn’t come easily. But we often believe that fixed version of ourselves and others.

How does this relate to sex?

Later researchers looked at the issue of fixed vs malleable perspectives when it comes to sexual desire and satisfaction. At least 5 studies drew conclusions worth considering:

1. The title of a 2017 study by four Hungarian psychologists summarizes their findings perfectly: “The pervasive role of sex mindset: Beliefs about the malleability of sexual life is linked to higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction and lower levels of problematic pornography use.”
2. Another 2017 study from seven psychologists noted that “Individuals high in sexual growth beliefs think that sexual satisfaction is attained from hard work and effort, whereas individuals high in sexual destiny beliefs think that sexual satisfaction is attained through finding a compatible sexual partner,” then went on to show that “those higher in sexual growth beliefs experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, and have partners who are more satisfied.” (How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being)
3. A 2018 study from two psychologists in Canada focused on how women cope with sexual problems by explicitly priming their subjects with either fixed or malleable viewpoints and then asking how they would respond to sexual challenges. “Results from both studies showed that women primed with entity [fixed] theories who expected to experience a sexual desire issue reported significantly more negative coping than women primed with incremental [growth] theories.” (Viewing Sexual Desire as Stable Versus Fluid: The Impact of Implicit Beliefs on Women’s Coping With Sexual Desire Problems)
4. A 2021 study by 5 (female) psychologists wanted to know the impact of sharing about sexual growth with couples experiencing clinically low sexual desire and arousal for the woman. Their research concluded that “endorsing greater sexual growth beliefs was associated with higher sexual desire for both partners, whereas, with some exceptions, endorsing greater sexual destiny beliefs was linked to lower sexual desire and relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and more depressive and anxious symptoms.” (By the way, the effects did not persist a year later, suggesting that a sexual growth mindset must be regularly nurtured.) (Navigating Women’s Low Desire: Sexual Growth and Destiny Beliefs and Couples’ Well-Being)
5. A 2021 study by three psychologists from Rutgers and Duke considered how a growth mindset affected sexual rejection sensitivity; that is, “the inclination to anxiously anticipate and react to perceived interpersonal rejection.” The results indicated that “Participants who perceived that their partner had a fixed mindset tended to have greater sensitivity to sexual rejection, and those with higher sexual rejection sensitivity tended to have lower sexual satisfaction.” (Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction)

In case you wonder how you might have answered some of these surveys, here’s a sampling of statements participants were asked to agree or disagree (on a scale) with:

• Everyone is a certain kind of sexual partner, and there is not much that they can do to really change that.
• The kind of sexual partner someone is, is something basic about them, and it can’t be changed very much.
• People can do things differently, but the important part of who they are as a sexual partner can’t really be changed.
• An unsatisfying sex life suggests that the relationship was never meant to be.

(PDF) Sexual Growth Mindsets and Rejection Sensitivity in Sexual Satisfaction

You’re not the only one with a viewpoint.

Perhaps you’ve gotten this far and want to yell at this post or me or the universe, “I have a positive growth mindset! It’s my spouse who believes things can’t get better!” You make a good point, friend. Indeed, the fifth study listed above looked at not only one’s own mindset, but their partner’s mindset—both real and perceived.

If you think your spouse isn’t going to respond well to a suggestion to try something different, you may well be more sensitive to rejection and less satisfied with your sex life. Even more so if your spouse really isn’t going to respond well.

And from what I’ve seen, a number of less-than-cooperative spouses seem to have a fixed view of their own sexuality yet expect their spouse to change. Or at least drop the subject.

So yeah, hands-up in surrender, I hear you. I know that’s true for some of you. And it’s disappointing, frustrating, and even heartbreaking for you.

But looking into all this research, a few things stood out to me:

We’re often not as good at reading our spouse as we think we are. For instance, men tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in sex, while women tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in foreplay. We also may read into our spouse’s reactions more resistance or rejection than is there.

For many, a healthy sexual growth mindset must be, well, grown. You can’t expect someone who believes that sexual interest or satisfaction is largely fixed to simply wake up one day and see it all differently. Sharing a growth mindset can have a positive impact, but it won’t last if it’s not regularly nurtured until it reaches maturity.

If we really believe in that growth mindset, we should look into what we ourselves need to change. For instance, I’ve heard from far too many men who use porn and yet wonder why their wife isn’t willing to work on the sex in their marriage. Well, in the first study above, having a sexual growth mindset led to lower levels of problematic porn use. That’s great, but just having a growth mindset should lead there too. And to any other changes we really should make to be a better friend, supporter, and lover to our spouse.

Like it or not, we’re the only ones we can really change (with God’s help). We can certainly influence our spouse, and one of the best ways to do that is to change our approach in a way that invites change on his/her end. (See Who Are You Praying to Change in Your Marriage?)

God calls us to grow.

If you want, you can forget all those studies previously mentioned and just focus on God’s Word. Because the research supports what God has said all along—we’ll be more content and successful when we make space and effort to grow.

 We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.

Colossians 1:9a–12

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

1 Peter 2:2–3

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4

And every time the word repent is used, it basically means “CHANGE!” Okay, literally, it means turn around, but the idea is to set out for a new direction, and the underlying assumption is that transformation is possible.

Repenting, growing, and becoming a better person in the arena of sexual intimacy is my story. It’s the story of many others, as well. God redeemed us, but we had to agree with Him that He could.

Maybe you’ve embrace His redemption in other areas, but do you have a growth mindset when it comes to sex? Are you looking to grow in other areas that could impact the sex in your marriage? What part of your life is calling for personal growth and God’s intervention?

The post Embrace a Sexual Growth Mindset appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

You know the song, right? Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”? Well, let’s hope the vast majority of us don’t want to leave our lover—that is, our spouse—nor do we want to leave them unsatisfied with our sexual intimacy!

God’s design is for sex to be mutually desired and enjoyed. And yet, we can intentionally or unintentionally do things that undermine that goal. Hot and holy sex requires continually checking our motives, our attitudes, and our behaviors to make sure we’re creating a safe, healthy environment in which genuine intimacy can flourish.

Having heard from spouses for over 12 years now, I came up with a list of 50 ways we can leave our lover unsatisfied. My list assumes a couple is having sex in their marriage but missing out on truly satisfying sex, either from time to time or often. As you read my list, don’t look for the areas where your spouse isn’t nailing it; rather, ask where you could improve and click on some of the links for more help in that area.

1. Don’t practice good hygiene before showing up in the bedroom.
   Why She Needs Him to Shower
2. Skip kissing.
   You’re Not Kissing Enough
   Why Kissing Is So Intimate for Her – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
3. Complain about how long it takes for your spouse to become aroused.
   It Takes As Long As It Takes
   How Much Foreplay Does She Need? – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
4. Call your spouse that nickname he/she hates.
   Is He Sweetheart? Stud Muffin? Romantic Nicknames
5. Avoid using lube when it would help.
   Let’s Talk Lube
   Why Your Wife Needs Extra Lube – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
6. Deny the emotional part of sex, asserting instead that it’s just physical.
   Pursuing 4-Dimensional Intimacy (Debi Walter guest post)
   Don’t Just Have Sex. Make Love.
   Why Sex Should Be Hot, Holy, and Humorous
   What is Intimacy?
7. Just lie there.
   Two Words Your Higher-Desire Spouse Needs You to Hear
8. Look at your phone during sex.
   Do You Check Your Phone During Sex?
9. Expect that having sex resolves an unfinished argument.
   Episode 9: The Myth of Make-up Sex – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
   Episode 145: When the Relationship Gets in the Way of Sex – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
10. Resume an unfinished argument immediately after having sex.
    Q&A with J: How to Handle Arguments in Your Marriage
    How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse
11. Get your orgasm and then stop.
    How a Good Husband Can Be a Great Lover
    Q&A with J: “How Do I Get My Turn?”
12. Engage with porn or erotica before, after, or…actually, any time.
    5 Reasons to Stop Using Porn…Now
    It’s True: Porn Can Kill Your Sex Life
    When Should You Stop Battling Porn?
    Why I Haven’t Talked about 50 Shades
    Episode 3: 50 Shades of Here-We-Go-Again – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
13. Insist your spouse wear lingerie she/he dislikes.
    Episode 47: Lingerie – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
    Why Won’t Your Wife Wear Lingerie? – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
14. Criticize your spouse’s body.
    Husbands, Help Us Feel & Be Beautiful
    Are Women Harming Male Body Image?
15. Make birth control your spouse’s responsibility.
    Intimate Covenant Podcast: Birth Control – specific methods [128] on Apple Podcasts
    What’s So Great about “Shooting Blanks”?
16. Downplay your own or your spouse’s pain during sexual intercourse.
    Episode 33: When Sex Hurts Her – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
17. Require darkness to get naked, never letting your spouse see your body.
    Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband
    Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby
18. Often stop, listen, and worry about others hearing you.
    Q&A with J: Avoiding Sex Because the Kids Can Hear
    Making Love When You Have Teens in the Home
    7 Tips for Having Sex at the Parents’ House
19. Tell your spouse to ignore children who need immediate attention.
    Helping Your Wife Balance Motherhood and Sexual Intimacy – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
    Sexual Privacy Matters More to Your Wife – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
20. Mention the exact number of days it’s been since last time because you’re keeping score.
    Should You Track the Frequency of Sex in Your Marriage?
21. Laugh at instead of with your spouse.
    Does He Make You Laugh?
22. Don’t show affection afterward.
    After the Lovin’: What Happens after Sex?
    Episode 18: The End of Sex – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
23. Pressure your spouse to do a specific position or activity.
    4 Principles Christian Bloggers Should Affirm About Sex
    Setting Boundaries in the Bedroom
    What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?
24. Bring up a past lover.
    Does Your Spouse Think about Previous Lovers?
    Why You Feel Worse Than He Does about the Premarital Sex
25. Leave your spouse to clean up any mess from lovemaking.
    10 Things to Do After Sex
    Creating an Inviting Bedroom – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
26. Use crass language your spouse doesn’t like.
    Let’s Talk About Talking Dirty Webinar with J. Parker & Dr. Jessica McCleese
    Talking Flirty vs. Talking Dirty
27. Constantly suggest the newest sex tip you found, as if your sex life isn’t complete without trying something new.
    Vanilla Is a Flavor – Honeycomb & Spice (honeycombspice.com)
    Episode 59: “Why Won’t My Wife…?” – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
28. Never try something new.
    Freshen Up Your Foreplay
    Q&A with J: Adding Variety to Your Marriage Bed
    Episode 126: Is Your Sex Life Boring? – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
    Is Your Wife Bored in Bed? – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
29. Don’t respond to your spouse’s suggestions on how to touch/arouse them better.
    Q&A with J: How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On?
    How Do You Like to Be Touched?
30. Don’t keep a scheduled sex date.
    Episode 5: Sex Scheduling – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
    Rain Check Sex
31. Quote Bible verses at your spouse to guilt them into having sex.
    3 More Principles Christian Bloggers Should Affirm About Sex
    Does Your Wife Owe You Sex? – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
32. Choose a bad time of day for your spouse to have sex.
    5 Times of Day to Make Love
    Sexual Timing Matters – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
33. Ignore messes you made when you know it distracts your spouse from focusing on sex.
    Episode 67: Romance and Your Bedroom – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
34. Don’t listen to your spouse share their heart before or after a sexual encounter.
    Connect Through Conversation – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
    Two Important Aspects of Sexual Intimacy
35. Claim that God has nothing to do with your sex life.
    Is Sex a Spiritual Experience in Your Marriage?
    The Gospel in the Bedroom
    Praying Before, During, and After Sex
36. Rush through foreplay.
    Newsflash, Hubbies! She Loves Foreplay.
37. Don’t lock the door.
    Lock the Door, for Heaven’s Sake!
38. Let your spouse know the sex was only for them, not you.
    The #1 Myth Christian Women Learned about Sex
    Sex Is for You Too (Scott Means guest post)
    Episode 118: Sex Is for You Too – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
39. Withhold sexual struggles you’ve having so they don’t get resolved.
    10 Tips for Talking to Your Husband About Sexual Intimacy
    Wives, Your Voice Matters (in the Bedroom & Beyond)
40. Share with others private information about sex with your spouse.
    How Much Should You Share about Your Sex Life?
    What Should You Share about Your Sex Life with Friends?
41. Never, or rarely, be the one to initiate.
    40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband
    5 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Spouse
    10 Quick Tips for Initiating Sex – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
42. Rely on sex toys instead of learning how to pleasure your spouse yourself.
    Q&A with J: “Is It Okay to Use Sex Toys?”
    Q&A with J: “I’m Desensitized to My Husband’s Touch!”
43. Whine about not getting to do sexual activities your spouse doesn’t want to do.
    Why Doesn’t She Want to Give You Oral Sex? 5 Reasons That Are About You (and What You Can Do About Them) – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
    Should You Share Your Sexual Fantasy?
44. Don’t apologize to your spouse for past sins or mistakes regarding sex.
    Two Words That Could Change the Course of Sex in Your Marriage
45. Never have quickies.
    5 Reasons to Love a Quickie
    Episode 62: Why Not Have a Quickie? – Knowing Her Sexually (khsministry.com)
    Episode 144: What About Quickies? – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
46. Only have quickies.
    3 Tips for More Intimate Lovemaking
47. Treat sex as if it’s always serious business.
    Lighten Up! And Laugh a Little about Sex
    Episode 25: Sex Is Funny – Sex Chat for Christian Wives
48. Avoid eye contact during sex.
    Where Should I Look during Sex?
    The Power of Sexual Empathy in Bed
49. Fail to express “I love you” in whatever way works for you both.
    What Husbands Long to Hear from Their Wives (In Their Own Words)
    What Wives Long to Hear from Their Husbands (In Their Own Words)
50. Expect sexual intimacy to improve without intentionality and effort.

Yep, great sex involves intentionality and effort. Which is why I’ve launched the 2023 Hot, Holy & Humorous cruise! Not only will we cover some don’ts and dos, we’ll go deeper with interactive learning, specifics for your marriage, and opportunities to put insights into practice in your private stateroom (~wink, wink~). It’s a marriage conference and romantic vacation all in one!

The post 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Unsatisfied appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

By Julie Sibert

Not long ago, after a particularly enjoyable and passionate sexual encounter with my husband, I reflected on what makes sex great. You don’t have to be married for more than about a month to realize that all sexual encounters are not created equal in a relationship.

We’ve been married 18 years, so I have a lot of practical “research” to draw upon.

Sometimes sex is quite profound, right? Other times, eh … not so much. And there are countless encounters that fall somewhere in between those two extremes. Being reflective is a bit of a baseline for me, and as a writer and speaker on sex in marriage, clearly this is my wheelhouse—pondering what makes sex authentic, intimate and great.

I know we can’t narrow something like this down to three things, but for the sake of brevity, I would say the below three would be at the top of my list. Before you read them, I encourage you to think about your own marriage.  Maybe the three things I share will spark some motivation and reflection of your own.

Or maybe your list would be wildly different, yet equally invigorating. That’s cool too. The point is to be willing to unpack the question, “What would make sex great in our marriage?”

3 Things that Make Sex Great for Me

1. Showing Up

Who among us hasn’t had our mind wander during sex? You could be meandering down the path of foreplay, only to then find yourself thinking about the appointment you forgot to make or the fact you’re out of milk again.

And don’t even get me started about actual physical distractions, like your neighbor’s noisy backyard barbecue that has gone too late or the sound of your teens watching TV or the intermittent baby noises coming through the baby monitor.

What makes sex great for me is when my husband and I truly show up and engage without the mental and physical distractions that creep in to disrupt our connection. When I think of amazing sexual intimacy with the man I married, I think of moments when we were dialed into each other emotionally and physically in such an attentive and consuming way.

Of course, sometimes what this means is we have to intentionally limit the distractions. What are you doing to best prepare your heart, mind and physical surroundings for uninterrupted lovemaking? What are you doing to genuinely and fully show up emotionally and physically?

2. Being Mutual

I think men have disproportionately been stereotyped into this corner that simply because they are male, they intuitively know how to please a woman sexually.

A better approach is that a husband and wife humbly embrace what it means to teach and be teachable. Are you and your spouse intentional about building rapport in giving and receiving sexual pleasure? When my husband and I lean into this kind of mutual giving and receiving, it is sacred ground.

Arousal, pleasure and orgasm should be a place of mutuality in a marriage. Is your spouse’s pleasure as important as your own? Are you both growing in the touches and techniques that make pleasure deeply satisfying? Are you helping your spouse understand specifically what feels good for you sexually?

3 Things that Make Sex Great for Me (and Might Just Work for You Too!) "Arousal, pleasure and orgasm should be a place of mutuality in a marriage. Is your spouse’s pleasure as important as your own?"
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Contrary to what society may tell us, a husband and wife climaxing at the same time is not the be-all end-all of sexual greatness. Being mutually attentive to each other’s arousal and pleasure throughout the experience is a better gauge. The moments of each spouse’s pleasure intermingle in such a beautiful ebb-and-flow way. No one is keeping score. No one is selfishly consumed by only their pleasure, but rather is as fascinated by their spouse’s pleasure as well.

I think a real lightbulb realization for my husband and me was when we recognized we were as turned on by turning each other on as we were by our own pleasure.

This kind of mutuality makes sex great for me.

3. Embracing Sexual Pursuit

I probably should have listed this one first, because it has to do with what’s happening before your clothes come off. I put it here at the end, though, because I think it carries the most transformative message regarding sex in marriage.

It is affirming when the person I love and married desires me. When my husband expresses his desire for me, maybe even hours before we actually have the time and space to have sex, that desire makes everything all that more amazing when we connect intimately.

Sadly, sexual pursuit can fall by the wayside in a marriage. Maybe it’s all those distractions and responsibilities that fill our waking hours day in and day out. Maybe healthy comfort drifts into taking each other for granted. Or maybe you’ve bought into this idea that the further a marriage goes along, the less sexual it has to become.

Certainly, a lot can sabotage sexual desire in a marriage, and we can lose sight of what it means to be intentional in the face of those things thwarting desire.

And yes, I know there are some circumstances that can make actual sexual intercourse difficult or impossible in a marriage, whether it be illness, injury, or some effects of aging. Even in these circumstances, though, a couple can still show affection and learn to be intimately close to each other emotionally and physically.

When was the last time you expressed desire for your spouse? When was the last time you showed affection while clothed—affection that lovingly conveyed how much you want to be naked with them later?

The caveat I would add here, too, is that nurturing your friendship in your marriage makes sexual pursuit not only more relevant, but also more likely. It is about pouring into your relationship in such a way that says, “Hey, I don’t just want sex. I want sex with YOU!”

So there are my three things that make sex great for me and possibly could make sex great for you, too. I could add to the above list for sure, but these three things definitely would top my list. I love it when my husband and I both truly show up, when we are mutual in valuing each other’s pleasure and when we intentionally pursue each other sexually.

What makes sex great for you? Reflect. Talk amongst yourselves. It is worth figuring out, not only for your own health and happiness, but also for the strength and endurance of your marriage.

Fabulous stuff, Julie! I so appreciate her being here. And please go check out her own content at her website and beyond.

Julie Sibert is an author, speaker, blogger and advocate for healthy sexual intimacy in marriage. You can find her at her website www.intimacyinmarriage.com. Be sure to check her out on Patreon at www.Patreon.com/intimacyinmarriage, where for the mere cost of one latte a month, you can get exclusive video content she doesn’t put out anywhere else.  When she’s not writing and speaking on sex, she’s enjoying her husband and sons, deep conversation, a wide array of music and a ridiculous number of books.

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