Couples often struggle to discuss sex, or other issues in their marriage, because they approach communication differently. Today, I want to address a particular communication hang-up—the frustration many a husband has when his wife expects him to pick up on what she wants based on hints, clues, and open-ended questions.

Now I’ve have explained to wives why they should be more straightforward with the men in their lives, but I also think it’s helpful for husbands to hear from a woman that your wife isn’t trying to be difficult but rather behaving in a way that makes sense to her. Because men and women tend to send and receive messages in distinct ways.

A quick reminder: When we talk about how men and women tend to do something, it doesn’t mean you or your spouse fit the typical. Please use generalizations as a launching point for conversation with your mate. The question “Is this true for you?” can be especially helpful in figuring out how you each function and how you can better understand and support one another.

Here are some common male and female differences in communication.

Assertive vs. Polite

Have you heard of “nice girl syndrome”? It’s a real thing, believe me. If you are too straightforward or blunt as a woman, you get labeled a, well, a word that rhymes with “ditch.” And that’s about how you get treated too. Women socialize one another to be polite more than assertive, sweet more than strong, “nice” more than bold.

Growing up in the church, one of the verses I heard most was: “Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4). “Gentle and quiet” was often conveyed as “don’t speak your mind.” So having to say something straight out can actually feel like being too pushy, even unfeminine or ungodly.

Status vs. Connection

Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., linguist and author of You Just Don’t Understand Me: Women and Men in Conversation, has studied gender communication extensively, and she makes the point that men’s conversational rituals are often about exchanging information and negotiating status, while women’s conversations tend to be about building and maintaining relationships.

By our very nature, women’s goal in communication is to understand each other better. We often think that should be your goal too — so why aren’t you trying just as hard to figure us out as we try to figure you out? It’s not a shell game we’re playing; it’s a relational dance we learned while growing up and playing with other girls.

Direct vs. Indirect

One research study about communication differences in the workplace had participants identify strengths and weaknesses in one another. Women said that men were “overly blunt and direct,” while men said that women were “meandering—won’t get to the point.”

Okay, but if the point for her is to build relationships, then just cutting through all the red tape and saying, “I want X” feels like a cheat. To her, the conversation becomes transactional rather than relational. So there’s a reason she’s being indirect, because the point is, again, getting to know each other and showing you understand each other.

Us vs. Them

There’s a real debate in the research about whether women are better at detecting emotions than men. More studies have said yes, others have said no, but one interesting finding from two separate studies was that women read women better and men read men better.

Which means that sometimes we think we’re broadcasting an emotion that he should be able to get, because our girlfriends all see it. Sure, we should know better, but people instinctively do this — expect that how we view things is how others view them. What helps is to become aware of findings like this and recognize that you have to ask, clarify, and confirm your understanding with each other.

Straightforward vs. Subtle

Research has supported what many of us women have also experienced: we pick up on subtlety better than our male counterparts. While men and women are equal in identifying full-blown facial expressions, women are better able to recognize less intense expressions.

God may have hardwired this one, since many women consider this ability key to good mothering. As nurturers, we often need to look at our child and quickly determine what he or she needs. But that also means we can (erroneously) think you in turn can figure out our subtlety.

There you go—several common differences in how men and women communicate.

Of course, communication shouldn’t be all on her terms, or yours. But when we understand that these differences are kind of built into the system, we can at least give ourselves a break for not understanding each other right away and make the effort to put ourselves in one another’s shoes, or brains, as best we can. So that we can communicate well in marriage—whatever the topic.

Related Post: When Women and Men Struggle to Communicate

Sources

• Science Daily – Science Daily – Women Outperform Men When Identifying Emotions
• NY Daily News – NY Daily News – Men have harder time reading women’s emotions: study
• Deborah Tannen – Deborah Tannen – gender specific language rituals
• Forbes – Forbes – Is Your Communication Style Dictated By Your Gender?
• Yes! Magazine – Yes! Magazine – Women Are Better At Expressing Emotions, Right? Why It’s Not That Simple
• PubMed.gov – PubMed.gov – Expression intensity, gender and facial emotion recognition: Women recognize only subtle facial emotions better than men

This article first appeared as a guest post on The Generous Husband as Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think) on June 5, 2018. It has been updated and edited for my readers.

The post When He Wants Straight Talk and She Wants—What DOES She Want? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

This question, more or less, came up in a series of posts written by Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband and The XY Code. You can go read those posts here:

First You Have to Know – The Generous Husband
Why He Thinks It’s a Game – The XY Code
He’s Not As Careful with His Words – The XY Code

I took issue with the word “game” as a description of what’s happening for most women. In addition to commenting, I had a great online conversation with Paul, at the end of which I volunteered to write a post about why women often aren’t as direct in their communication.

Generally speaking, she’s not trying to manipulate him or make it difficult. Most women who haven’t learned a lot about men’s brains and communication style don’t understand they’re being unclear to him. We honestly believe you should be able to see what we’re saying!

Especially because … sometimes he does.

Case in point: My husband, whom I fondly call Spock because he is super-logical and not instinctively romantic, does not pick up on hints. When he tries, he often guesses wrong. However, we stepped into a local furniture/knick-knack store one time, and I commented on how much I loved a particular painting. I thought nothing of it, because I was simply admiring a product at the store.

Lo and behold, at my next birthday my husband presented me with the painting! It now hangs next to my desk:

I don’t know why that one time he paid attention to my interest and followed through with the gift. But had I not already known the way his mind generally works, I might have concluded that his willingness to meet my understated desires was selective. Some women might figure: Because he did it this one time, why can’t he do it all the time? 

But it’s not fair to take a one-off and try to force that into a pattern. That would be like thinking that one time I made a perfect meal means I could deliver chef-worthy food every single night. (Not.)

It’s easy to misread one another if we don’t make an effort to understand the inherent differences in our communication styles, which come from our backgrounds, our personalities, and our gender. Not all of the stereotypes will apply to your spouse, but it’s worth asking whether such things are true.

And give one another the benefit of the doubt when your spouse says you misunderstood their intentions. Yes, if you said X, it would mean Y. But for your spouse, saying X might mean Z. Because we think and communicate differently.

Again, I believe God made it this way because, to have a good marriage, we’re then forced to let go of our selfishness, aim to understand our spouse, and stretch ourselves in loving them. The way Christ modeled.

But let me back to the original question: Do women try to manipulate men? Sure, some do. But most of the time, if a wife’s dropping hints and thinks her husband should pick up on them, she’s not trying to manipulate him. She’s lived her life learning how to pick up on subtlety, and her brain is even hardwired better for this task, so it’s difficult to understand why he can’t. Especially when, as I pointed out, now and then something does stick for him.

Meanwhile, ladies, take those moments as a treat, but try to be more direct with the men in your life. I hear from a lot of husbands who feel frustrated because they want to give their wives what they want, but their wives won’t tell them and the guys cannot figure out the hints. Because men are hardwired that way and learned that communication style.

Look, a lot comes down to verses like these: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). What would it look like to devote yourselves to one another in communication? Would it be one of you getting his or her own way? And what about honoring? Can we honor one another’s way of looking at things and work together to reach understanding?

Let’s not accuse each other of intentions that aren’t there, but rather work through our differences to reach unity.

“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3).

Now please go read my guest post at The Generous Husband: Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think)

Also check out a great podcast episode I just listened to: The Art of Manliness – The Male Brain

And a great one for wives to read: You’re Not Allowed to Complain About Not Getting What You Didn’t Ask For (It’s more balanced than the title conveys.)

Plus one more: Is It Manipulation? Motive Matters from The Forgiven Wife

The post Q&A with J: Do Women Try to Manipulate Men? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.