When I first started talking about scheduling sex, there was a lot of pushback. Scheduling sex sounded to many—and still does—like removing all the spontaneous excitement out of a sexual encounter with your spouse. Plus, if we really wanted sex like we should, would we need to put it on the calendar?

These days, thankfully, many more marriage and sex experts suggest scheduling sex, because that’s often how to make sure it happens and goes well. Let’s break down not only why you may want to schedule sex but also how to make it happen.

What Scheduling Is and Isn’t

Having tried various ways to keep track of my schedule, I finally found the right approach when my best friend surprised me with an Erin Condren planner. I keep nearly everything I need to do in this beautiful notebook—appointments, to-dos, trips, notes. But one item you won’t find there is sex with my husband. Even though we do schedule it.

For some, scheduling means taking out your calendar and penciling in a date and time. For others, it’s a standing appointment, like Wednesdays after the kids go to bed. And for those like us, it’s a verbal agreement worked out the day of or a day or two ahead of the scheduled encounter.

Whatever preconceived notion of scheduling sex that doesn’t appeal to you, you don’t have to do. Find the kind of scheduling that works for your marriage! It could be as simple as a text to your husband that “tonight’s the night!” or as steady as Sex Sunday. Or it could be pulling out your planners and finding the best meetup time for both of you.

What You’re Scheduling

The obvious answer to “What are you scheduling?” is “Sex,” but what comes to mind when you read that? Too often, a modifier sneaks in before the word “sex” that we may not even be conscious of adding. For instance, see if any of these adjectives fit your idea of scheduling:

• Obligatory sex
• Uninspired sex
• Mechanical sex
• Passionless sex

Let me assure you that you’re not scheduling any of those! You’re scheduling a sex date. Just like you scheduled dates when you were courting. You chose a day of the week, a time, and a place to meet, because you were prioritizing one another. You anticipated the arrival of that moment, because you were eager to see your guy or gal. You didn’t know how everything would unfold, but you expected to have fun. And once there, you were happy you showed up and savored the experience.

Okay, maybe not all dates went swimmingly back then, nor will all sex dates you schedule. But if you take the same attitude, you’re far more likely to have a good time. Even better, this date comes with the hope of an extra-happy ending!

Benefits of Scheduling

But why bother? What are the benefits of scheduling sex?

Regular sex has positive benefits for you. From lower blood pressure to better sleep to decreased risk of heart attack, the health benefits of sex have been well documented. Sex can also relieve stress and boost your immune system. And it’s exercise. Not much of a calorie burner, but exercise nonetheless.

Regular sex has positive benefits for your marriage. Couples who have sex at least weekly report higher relationship satisfaction. Not surprisingly, they feel closer to their mates and more secure in their bond.

Scheduled sex makes sure it happens. Life gets so busy that even your best intentions won’t lead to action unless you have a plan. I love how Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage says it: “We never drift into anything healthy. Healthy patterns are intentional.” She’s made the comparison that people don’t suddenly find themselves on the treadmill; they create a goal or a routine. Likewise, “If we want healthy intimate sex in our marriage, we have to be intentional.” Scheduling sex is an intentional plan to create the healthy habit of sexual intimacy.

Scheduled sex can help a lower desire spouse prepare. Lower desire spouses often appreciate having a heads-up on when sex is going to happen so they can prepare for it mentally, physically, and emotionally. While that may not sound sexy to some, it’s a lovely gift that your responsive mate wants to do all they can to come to the bedroom ready to engage fully.

Scheduled sex can help a higher desire spouse wait. Higher desire spouses can stop ruminating over when the next sexual encounter will happen. If they know that it’s on the calendar, they can relax, wait, and anticipate.

Planning the Sex Date

How much you plan depends on what you’re planning. If you’re wanting a super special encounter, you can go all out with bedroom preparations, getting yourself ready for perfect presentation, and even setting out a menu for the evening. But you can also just plan to show up at the appointed time and take it from there. Then, there’s all the options in between.

What you shouldn’t do is the opposite of what your spouse wants you to do. That is, if it matters to your beloved that you put a bit of effort into the date, put in the effort. If a lot of pre-planning makes your spouse feel stuck to the schedule, then make room for spontaneity.

Discuss your expectations ahead of time, talking about what kind of sex dates you’d like to have. If you’re different in what you’d like, then trade out planning some, so that you each get a chance to do it your way or serve it up the way your spouse prefers.

Whatever you do, “don’t schedule boring sex” (Matt Schmidt, Intimate Covenant). Make sure it’s the kind of event you can both look forward to.

Need some ideas? Here you go:

• Plan a Sex Date | The Forgiven Wife
• The Ultimate Quickie Sex Date | The Dating Divas
• Epic Birthday Sex Date That Brings the Heat | The Dating Divas
• 9 Unique Sexual Positions + Date Night Game | The Dating Divas
• Clue Date Night With A Sexy Twist | The Romantic Vineyard
• Freshen Up Your Foreplay | Hot, Holy & Humorous

Keeping the Sex Date

First, you may want to build some anticipation toward your date time. Send a “looking forward to tonight” text or whisper in your mate’s ear that morning that you’re eager to spend special time together. Touch more frequently that day or wink knowingly across the room at your beloved. Just get some sparks started in anticipation of the flames of passion to come.

When you were first getting to know each other, did you up your game a bit for date night? Shower a second time? Shave your legs? Brush your teeth and/or use mouthwash? Wear something nice? Try that again with sex dates. That is, give your spouse a good view, smell, and touch to work with. No, we’re not trying to be fake here, but just sprucing up a bit. (And remember, guys, her sense of smell tends to be innately better than yours.)

Let things unfold with romance, flirting, wooing, and seduction. Please don’t just show up with the idea that intercourse is what’s happening. That’s actually a small part of sex date (albeit to many of you an important one). Take time to connect, tease and arouse one another, and then move into lovemaking. And don’t forget the afterglow!

Also, remember that this date may not go as planned. Like any other date, it may need to be postponed or rescheduled due to someone’s illness or another event that must take precedence. It may start off well, then flounder or even fail. Pain or discomfort, erectile dysfunction, or simply an ability to get things going as hoped could cut this date short. That’s okay. Not all sexual intimacy involves intercourse or climax. Sometimes the intimacy is being there, pleasuring one another, and giving grace when things go awry.

As I’ve said many times, one of the many perks of having sex in marriage is that no one sexual encounter equals your sex life. You have a lifetime together to build beautiful intimacy. It’s really not just one sex date. You’re sexually dating. You can try again another time.

Spontaneous Sex

Scheduling sex doesn’t mean you can’t also have spontaneous sex. Many couples both schedule sex and have encounters they didn’t anticipate beforehand. Both approaches have merit, so why not incorporate scheduling and spontaneity into your sexual intimacy?

Indeed, scheduling sex might lead to more spontaneous sex as well, because you’ve made sure physical intimacy is a regular part of your relationship and your body and marriage can feel the ongoing benefits of lovemaking.

So pull out your calendars, schedule some sex, and then let the rest of your hot-and-heavy happen when the mood strikes! And the husband and wife both said, “It’s a date!”

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My husband approached me in the bathroom with the corners of his mouth slightly upturned and asked, “Do you want to copulate this morning or wait until this evening?”

Really? Is this what we’ve come to?

After telling him it might be time to consult the Romance 101 manual again, I informed him that I didn’t have time that morning. Sex would have to get penciled into the calendar for that evening—somewhere between cleaning the kitchen, putting the kids to bed, folding a load of laundry, donning pajamas, removing make-up, and passing out on my mattress. So much for romance.

What is “maintenance sex”?

As much as I wish that our every sexual encounter was a long and soulful experience, sometimes we’re relegated to what my husband once termed “maintenance sex.” Perhaps you can only fit in a 10-minute quickie before breakfast. Maybe you have to schedule a half-hour into the calendar because otherwise it won’t happen. 

But that maintenance can be very important. Think about it this way: It’s fun to make home improvements. New carpet, fresh paint, kitchen or bathroom renovations are exciting and satisfying. But we can’t ignore the minor repairs that the keep the house going—steaming the carpet, painting touch-ups, cleaning those kitchens and bathrooms. Both are good for your home.

It’s the same with sex. We married couples might wish that our sexual encounters were all as spectacular as the community fireworks display, but shorter encounters can be fun too, like playing with sparklers. They’re all firecrackers!

Why maintenance matters…

If you neglect that God-given longing for each other, eventually it will affect your relationship. You’ll feel less desired, less connected, and even less patient with one another. I’ve known a few couples who were testy with another for several days and then realized, “It’s been a while!” So, they made love, and voilá! a measure of patience and perspective returned.

Look, I’m all about the music-in-the-background, candles-in-the-bedroom, silky-lingerie, sweet-talking, slow-going lovemaking. But sometimes, you don’t have an hour or so to devote to sex. Don’t feel like those scheduled sessions or spur-of-the-moment quickies aren’t valid in increasing physical intimacy.

Sometimes, it is the most selfless love to shove all the folded laundry off the bed, lock out the demanding children, resolve to be five minutes late to work, and sate your spouse’s longing. Sometimes, it is the most selfless love to throw off the robe, grab the KY, and get tangled up for a few minutes on the unmade bed. Sometimes, it is the most selfless love to engage in “maintenance sex” until you can get your real groove on—like at an overnight hotel stay or a fortuitous night when the kids all fall asleep a little early.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:3 (NKJV)

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