In a recent post, I gave three cheers and a hooray to good-willed husbands who want the best for their wives and marriage. But not every husband who wants the best for their wife and marriage is living up to that goal. Numerous challenges—from past wounds to current confusion, from personal selfishness to relational conflict—can keep a man from being the husband he wants to be.

And then there’s the issue of being a good lover. What does that mean for a husband pursuing his wife’s heart and his marriage’s health? Not to mention holiness for all involved.

Setting the Foundation

Let’s start with being a good husband. In many Christian circles, men and women hear a lot about specific biblical commands to husbands and wives. If someone wants to know what a good spouse looks like, we head to Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and/or 1 Peter 3.

But before we get to what it means to be a good husband, we should ask what it means to be a good person. A husband’s (or wife’s) calling begins not with the verses about marriage but with attitudes like those expressed in Philippians 2:5-8:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

And with love as defined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Passages that show us how to treat one another underlie any other passage about how husbands and wives should relate within marriage. It’s with that foundation that we can better read specifics like:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:25-28

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Colossians 3:19

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

1 Peter 3:7

Having set a good foundation, let’s talk about loving your wife sexually.

Learning Your Wife’s World

I spend a lot of time these days encouraging wives and husbands to stop assuming things about each other and instead ask what s/he feels, thinks, believes, wants, enjoys, and aspires to. We often think we know our spouse better than we actually do.

We have this tendency to think If I did X, it would mean I thought/felt Y and then conclude it’s the same for our spouse—when it’s not. Maybe doing X means Z for them! You married someone different from you for a reason. As it’s been said: “If two people alike get married, one of you is unnecessary.” This should be a “two are better than one” partnership in which you complement one another.

Since you’re not the same, you should always be learning about your wife’s world. What is her daily life like? What does she wish you understood about her? How would she like your help or support? What does she find attractive about you? What does she find annoying about you? What keeps her awake at night? What does she find romantic?

And yes, what does she think, feel, and believe about her sexuality? What messages about sex has she heard through the years? Why is it hard for her to even discuss sex? What does sexual intimacy mean to her? Has she experienced sexual harassment, and how did that affect her view of men? Is there trauma in her past, and how does she wish you’d help her with that pain? What’s her favorite aspect of sex? How does she feel about having an orgasm?

There so much you can ask, because there’s so much to learn.

And even though you’ll never know your wife 100%—she doesn’t understand herself 100% either!—learning what your wife’s world is like can deepen your appreciation for who she is and your understanding of what she wants in your marriage and in the bedroom.

Studying Your Wife’s Body

As David Lee Roth sang, “My homework was never quite like this.” And yeah, you probably did miss some education, so it’s time to buckle down and become a studious husband.

Before you think this means she gets naked and you get busy, note that your wife has a lot of real estate that has nothing to do with her genitalia. Do you know where she likes to be caressed? How she likes you to hold her hand? What kind of snuggling she prefers?

No, everything doesn’t have to go her way, but you should explore touches you both enjoy. Since you already know what you like, you have to find out what she likes. Investing in nonsexual touch can make a big difference in how much and often she desires sexual touch. (See Episode 40: Her Erogenous Zones | Knowing Her Sexually.)

You may also need to learn more about female anatomy. In a survey of 2,000 Britons in 2017, 50% of men couldn’t correct label the vagina on a diagram. Young women weren’t much better, by the way. Oddly, the clitoris was the easiest to identify. Or thankfully, should wives say? It could benefit both of you to learn more about the mysteries and beauties of a woman’s genitalia.

To do that well, and without exposure to problematic content, consult a health-focused website or a Christian resource like our For Christian Wives webinar for husbands.

And if you’ve seen a fair amount of porn, you will likely have to unlearn whatever you gleaned there. What appears to arouse and satisfy women in porn is not what arouses and satisfies real women in real life. If you’re still watching porn—whether addiction, compulsion, habit, or casual use—it’s time to stop and get help if you need it.

Finally, take your time down there and with her breasts. Truly be a student of how her body responds, what gets her going and what stops her short, when she’s really ready for penetration (typically, vulva 2–3 times their regular size and plenty of lubrication), and what helps her reach orgasm. You’re the only one in the classroom, so make the hands-on learning last.

Listening to Your Wife’s Voice

In the good-willed husband category, I’ve encountered three types of men who haven’t fully listened to their wife in the bedroom:

1. Those whose wives don’t know what they want or how to speak up for what they want. That is, the husband is eager to listen and please, but his wife is struggling to find her voice. (For those wives, start with this post: Wives, Your Voice Matters (in the Bedroom & Beyond).)
2. Those who believe they’re supposed to know what a woman likes without having to ask. Requesting feedback and direction makes that husband feel inadequate. (Julie Sibert has written well about this issue; e.g., No One is Born Knowing How to Have Great Sex | Intimacy in Marriage.)
3. Those who believe they already know what a woman likes—and may give their wife great pleasure—so they don’t invite instruction or listen to it when it comes.

The first issue of a wife not sharing what she wants or likes can be addressed by asking some of those questions mentioned above, going through my book Pillow Talk together, and/or encouraging her to listen to our podcast for wives, such as Episode 90: Getting Him to Touch You Where You Want.

As to the second concern of feeling inadequate, I have learned a lot about men in this regard. For one thing, you’re often judged in male community based on your mastery of a task. Saying “I don’t know what I’m doing” in presumably masculine areas like sports, fixing things, grilling meat, etc. could result in your social status being diminished. (Which is stupid, by the way, but I’ve seen enough of it to know it happens.) And what is more manly to some than arousing and satisfying a woman? You definitely don’t want to feel inadequate in that area.

Plus, you want to be your wife’s hero. More than one husband has become frustrated when he cannot get his wife to climax—even if it has little to nothing to do with him. But that feeling of inadequacy can run deep for a man when he longs to lead his wife to pleasure paradise.

But guess what? Most wives don’t even begin to judge you that way. In fact, one of the reasons we fell in love with you is because you listened to us. Hey, I still remember sitting on my husband’s couch, long before we got married, and the intent look on his face as I explained what I knew about church history (my bachelor’s degree focus).

When a husband invites his wife’s guidance, and then listens to that guidance, he communicates that he values her perspective and intimacy with her. Guys, that comes across as pretty heroic.

"When a husband invites his wife's guidance, and then listens to that guidance, he communicates that he values her perspective and intimacy with her." @hotholyhumorous How a Good Husband Can Be a Great Lover
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The third issue is husbands who believe they already know what a woman likes. What’s left to learn when you’re an expert, right?

Well, you may not be quite as expert as you think. Here’s why:

• Your wife’s responses and preferences change. What she loved at age 25 may not be what works when she’s 45. This is a lifetime course of learning.
• Romance and affection are a big part of physical intimacy for many wives. If you haven’t invested there, you’ve likely skipped some steps that could take your sex life from mediocre to marvelous.
• Any other women you based your skills on—previous partners or porn stars—are not your wife. She is an individual with her own history, sexuality, and desires.
• You may not understand how what your wife advises could possibly be what she really wants. It’s not what you envision as sexy, but if she says it’s sexy to her, you could roll with it and see what happens!
• Husbands tend to revert to their way of lovemaking. We all do, don’t we? But for men, that could mean you’re not giving her enough kissing, foreplay, cuddling after sex, or something else she wants.
• Orgasms don’t equal satisfaction for many wives. Yes, they can be awesome! But as my ministry partner, Chris Taylor, has pointed out, “Your wife’s orgasm does not mean she enjoyed sex.” But even if she truly enjoyed it, she might have missed the relational intimacy that makes sex something she treasures, desires, and seeks.

Communicate to your wife that you want to hear her voice in the bedroom; that her desires, preferences, and boundaries matter; and that you want her to enjoy sex as much as you do. (See also, Are You Listening to What Your Spouse Says about Sex?)

Becoming a Great Lover

Almost no one picks up a musical instrument and masters it quickly. So what makes us think we can become great lovers overnight? A woman is far more complex than a piano or a violin.

It may take time and effort to go from good to great. But with marriage, you have a covenant length of time to devote yourself to learning about your wife and building beautiful marital intimacy.

You will never arrive at “perfect lover.” But many a wife has told me how deeply she appreciates a husband’s willingness to please her and the sexual skills he developed over time. You’re a good husband; you can be a great lover.

DON’T MISS MY SESSIONS AT THESE CONFERENCES & MUCH MORE GREAT CONTENT!

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Last week, I took on the tough subject of husbands who are bullies in the bedroom, using coercion, pressure, and intimidation to get their wives to do what they want sexually. Today and next time, I want to talk about all the other husbands—men who love their wives and want a healthy, honorable sex life with her.

Celebrating the Good Guys

Sometimes I think y’all should read my email. Of course I wouldn’t share personal communications—though I do select questions to answer on my blog or Facebook at times. But if you could see the kind of messages I get from husbands, you might better understand what I believe about men.

I’m not saying this is scientifically representative, but if I had to break down the email I get from men, it would be:

• 10% from husbands who are complete jerks yet blame their wives when they are the problem
• 20% from husbands who are behaving badly because they’re upset about their sex life or marriage or have individual problems but can be reasoned with or helped
• 50% from husbands who want to make their sex life and marriage better but don’t know how to proceed (with a specific or in general)
• 20% from husbands who are simply encouraging me, sharing a thought, or praising their amazing wife

That’s 70% of husbands who are already good-willed and another 20% who could get there quickly or eventually. I’m not saying that 90% are men without sin, but they are the “good guys.”

With the right attitude, information, insight, and support, most men are capable of being good husbands and good lovers.

To Good-willed Husbands Who Want a Great Sex Life: " With the right attitude, information, insight, and support, most men are capable of being good husbands and good lovers." @hotholyhumorous
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Good-Willed Men in a Broken World

Some marriage authors and speakers make clear that their resources are primarily intended for “good-willed” spouses.* What does it mean to have goodwill?

Goodwill can be defined as “benevolent interest or concern” (Merriam-Webster). It means that you care enough about another to pursue their good. A lot of husbands want good things for their wives—including wanting their wives to enjoy sex!

But we live in a broken world, meaning that sin has entered, selfishness and pride are often present in our hearts, and we carry wounds from past experiences and life’s hardships. Husbands with goodwill toward their wives mess up and even hurt their wives through their actions or inaction. (I’m not talking about abuse—an altogether different issue—but emotional pain that comes with tension or conflict in relationships.)

In short, many men struggle to be the husband they want to be. Maybe they:

• Don’t understand her physiology or emotional makeup and thus neglect meeting her longings
• Have a past porn habit that haunts them at times (if the habit is current, get help—it’s hurting your marriage and your soul!)
• Lack communication and/or lovemaking skills that would improve intimacy
• Experience a lot of stress that carries over to their marriage relationship
• Lack as much interest in sex as they want and feel like they’re failing their wife
• Have far more interest in sex than their wife and often feel frustrated or hurt

But they haven’t given up. They continue to struggle, and striving matters.

Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

1 Thessalonians 5:15

The person in the Bible I most relate to is Peter, who fell down a lot but kept getting back up and trying again. Eventually, Peter learned how to trust God more fully, yet he still recognized that effort was involved:

So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with [God].

1 Peter 3:14

If wanting better and messing up is where you are, keep fighting the good fight. With your eyes fixed on Jesus, finish the race (Hebrews 12:2, 2 Timothy 4:7).

Supporting a Good Husband

When I was younger, I swore I would never own a truck. (There’s backstory there, but it’s not worth telling right now.) Fast forward to 2013, and I said to Spock, “You want a truck? Great! Buy a truck.”

I once thought I’d never have an extra-large TV. Not only do we have one now, I recently said to Spock, “Hey, if you want the whole wall to be a TV, go for it.”

Why did I change my mind? Because Spock is a good husband, and at some point, I decided my reluctance on those issues was less important than supporting his reasonable desires.

Do NOT use this example to tell your wife you need a truck, bigger TV, or whatever. Spock didn’t push me! He expressed his desires then let it go, and I concluded these things on my own.

My point is not that you should get more man-toys. [insert eye roll here] Rather, I want to talk to the wives of good-guy husbands.

Just as I believe husbands should learn how to appreciate and affirm his wife’s personality, femininity, values, and desires, a wife should do the same for her husband. That might involve thanking him, speaking his love language, supporting his hobbies, or pursuing him sexually. It might be something altogether different. But think how much more attracted you feel to your husband when he’s meeting your emotional needs. Your husband likely feels the same.

(Again, I’m NOT talking about abusive or emotionally destructive marriages. In such a situation, sacrificing yourself to meet his “needs” won’t have the intended effect. We’re talking about good-willed husbands here.)

Think about what would speak to your husband’s heart, and then pursue that. If your husband has deeper problems, do what you can to help him get help!

Good Men Do Good Somethings

Perhaps you’ve heard or even memorized this popular saying: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing.” (It’s often attributed to Edmund Burke, though he never actually said it.) The antidote to bad men is more good men.

Yes, good women absolutely matter as well! We can, and should, stand up to bad men and share our insights about what it looks like to be a good husband and father and coworker and brother in Christ. But if we want to the world to have a better view of masculinity, that has to come from good men stepping up and displaying good masculinity. (For a few tips, see Titus 2:2,6-8.)

I’ve been lucky. For every guy who sexually harassed me, many more treated me with respect. For every abusive guy I’ve known, many more displayed tenderness. For every guy who betrayed me, many more behaved with integrity. The bad guys are definitely out there, but I’ve encountered more good than bad.

For any woman reading this who has not experienced the same, I’m sorry. Such mistreatment should never have happened to you. Please know that good-willed men do exist and do what you can to to have those men in your life and not the bad ones. Protect yourself and get help.

To the good-willed husbands out there, please continue to pursue what’s best for your wife and family. Own up for your own flaws and take on the responsibility to address them. Please get help if you need it—whether that’s seeing a physician, getting into therapy, joining a support group, or installing filtering software on every device you own. Learn about her body and her sexuality. Share the household burden. Take care of your children. Keep dating your wife. Pray regularly. Let Christ be your example.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:25-27 (NRSV)

I and many other wives, likely including your own, are cheering you on.

See Also: What’s So Great About Men? – Knowing Her Sexually and On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference – Hot, Holy & Humorous

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

The post To Good-willed Husbands Who Want a Great Sex Life appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I was thinking about advice I’ve given to husbands over the course of this blog. I seem to give one particular sex tip over and over and over . . .

What is that tip? What is the one practical idea that would help a husband engage his wife more fully in the bedroom? It’s simple really. Two words. Here they are.

Admittedly, this isn’t the end-all-be-all advice for satisfying sexual intimacy in your marriage. But men, it’s a good start. And it covers a lot of bases.

Slow down the start-up.

Romance isn’t something that only happened way back when you had a full head of hair and your wife was maybe a size smaller. Women want to be pursued and wooed throughout your relationship.

A husband would be wise to take his time and expend a good amount of effort on shared activities, romantic gestures, embraces and cuddles, lovey-dovey talk, and kissing. Write your wife a love note. Ask her to slow dance with you in the living room. Yes, bring her flowers — if she likes that kind of thing. Sure, we wise women know you eventually want to make it to the bedroom, but we also want to know that you still enjoy the other mushy-gushy stuff. So slow down when it comes to the start-up.

Many men can go from ho-ho-hum to hey-baby-I’m-ready! in about three seconds flat. Just have his wife walk by naked, maybe even jiggle a little, and his body screams YES! But God, perhaps in an effort to stretch and grow us, created men and women to be different.

Most wives need a while to heat up. Your wife may need time to plant the notion of sex in her brain, check off those items on her to-do list that absolutely must get done (like tucking kids in bed), and even prepare herself physically and/or mentally for sexual intimacy. She needs time to switch gears from overwhelmed mommy to hot mama. Just because she isn’t in the mood right this very second doesn’t mean she can’t get in the mood, but she may require a slower build-up.

Slow down the work-up

(Hey, I’m sticking with the “up” theme.) Foreplay. I’ll say it again: Foreplay. Yeah, it’s important for most women. It’s not that we don’t enjoy the sex itself, but our brains have to be aroused and our bodies stimulated to readiness. And that may take a while. Or at least longer than it takes the average husband.

We ladies can shortcut some of this with personal lubricant or jumping right to our favorite moves or positions, but if we can draw it out…well, why not? Why rush? So hubbies should move slow, spending ample time kissing, touching, stroking, and stimulating their wives. Take time to get her worked up.

Slow down the “sex-me-up.”

You know what rocks? Slow sex. (Okay, fine, I like fast sex too, but still . . . ) The point is that a husband can draw out his wife’s pleasure by thrusting into his wife at increasing speed . . . and then slowing down for a while. Plus, slowing down intercourse helps the husband to hold off on his climax for a while in hopes that his wife can get there too.

If you’re interested in trying to reach simultaneous orgasm, slowing down may be needed to coordinate that timing. Also, if you finish first, you don’t have to stop! Keep the sexual encounter going until your wife is satisfied with her experience. Regardless, she may want you to slow down the sex, so that she can fully appreciate the sensations.

When the party’s over, there’s the clean-up, right? I recently wrote about the importance of afterglow, and it does matter. After you’re both sated, you may feel just done, ready to shut off the lights, and — let’s face it — fall asleep. She may even want to shift gears quickly to cleaning up the sheets and herself. But wait…slow down.

Whether it’s immediately, or after a trip to the bathroom, take some time to savor one another. Gather your wife into your arms and let her know how much she and your physical intimacy mean to you. In Song of Songs 5:1, the Lover (husband) expresses his post-sex satisfaction: “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.” You can dispense with references to myrrh and honeycomb, but expressing a similar delight is not a bad idea — you know, something like “I’ve come into our messy bedroom, my bride. I’ve gathered sugar and spice. I’ve eaten apple pie and ice cream; I’ve drunk my Red Bull and sweet tea.” Yep, slow things down afterward too and keep those feelings of intimacy going. That somethin’ extra-extra also makes an investment for the next time you come together sexually.

So that’s the one practical sex tip for husbands I come back to again and again: Slow. Down.

Now, ladies, what do you think? In what way do you wish your hubby would slow things down? And men, of course you’re welcome to pipe up! Share what you think.

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