Finally, we’ve reached the last post in a four-part series about premarital sex. While I usually address sex in marriage, I received a question about whether the old rules about waiting until marriage still apply. Short answer: yes. Longer answer:

Part 1: What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?
Part 2: “But What About…?”: Challenges to the Church’s Ban on Premarital Sex
Part 3: Is Abstinence Before Marriage the Right Goal?

Today, let’s look at how someone with God-given sexual interest can hold off until marriage and/or maintain sexual integrity throughout our lives.

Do You Want to Wait?

Nothing I say in this post will help you wait until marriage to have sex if you don’t really want to. The same is true for breaking off an affair, quitting pornography, addressing issues with lust, or changing problematic dynamics around sexual intimacy in your marriage.

You may wish you weren’t in the situation you’re in, yet also find sufficient pleasure in your situation that you secretly want to continue. In psychology (and medical fields), that’s called “secondary gain.” It can help to ask yourself how much you really want to maintain sexual integrity and what secondary gain you’re getting from the sin, struggle, or slip-ups you experience.

Now that doesn’t mean you need willpower of steel. Rather, the question is whether you have enough desire for God to work with. Because God won’t force obedience, but He will be there if you want Him.

Consider the story of a man at the Bethesda pool who’d been disabled for 38 years. Jesus approached him one day and asked, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6). Oddly, the man doesn’t answer with an emphatic YES. Rather, “Sir…I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” In other words, “I’ve tried.”

If Jesus were a motivational speaker, he’d say, “That’s not good enough. You have to really want it! Only if you crave it with all your heart will you achieve your goals!” Thank goodness Christ wasn’t a motivational speaker but a savior. Instead, He cures the invalid and tells him to get up, pick up his mat, and walk. Jesus takes “I’ve tried” as being enough wanting that He can work with it to bring healing.

Of course, it will be easier to maintain sexual integrity if your whole heart and soul are dedicated to it, but God can also work with little to make it much more. You simply have to want sexual integrity enough to get started on your journey—to pick up your mat and take those first few steps.

TAKEAWAY: Ask how much you really want sexual integrity. What “secondary gain” (side benefit) would you or do you get from choosing a different path? Will you ask God to work with the desire you have and heal you the rest of the way?

Why Do You Want Sex Outside Marriage?

Obvious answers to that question include “because it feels good,” “because my body is screaming at me to have sex,” and “because I love him/her so much,” and those reasons make sense. However, for many people, the struggle to maintain sexual integrity is wedded to other, deeper causes.

Let me illustrate from my own life. Yes, sex felt good, and my first time was with a guy I cared for deeply. But also:

• I had poor body/self-image, and feeling sexually desired made me feel more attractive.
• I had a conflict-ridden relationship with my father and sought male affection elsewhere.
• I grew up in a church with some grace-filled people and some legalists. The legalists’ rules about dating frustrated me enough that I rebelled a little. Over time, a little became a lot.
• I learned about the hypocrisy of several older members of our church and reasoned that premarital sex was nowhere near as bad as extramarital affairs or sexual predation of minors.

Others’ reasons may be entirely different. I’ve known widowed Christians who don’t want to get married again but miss having sex, younger folks who want to finish their educational program before marrying but want to have sex, and one teenage girl who aimed at getting pregnant so her parents would let her marry her boyfriend and move out of her abusive household.

If you know the why, then you can address the why. Many times, premarital sex seems like the answer to your longing when it isn’t. For instance, having sex to get affection created all kinds of other fallout for me, and that teenage girl got pregnant, left her home, but became a struggling single mom soon after.

Even if your why is a good why, you can look for alternative ways to satisfy your longings and/or manage your desires.

TAKEAWAY: Beyond feelings of pleasure or wanting to be intimate with someone, why does sex outside marriage appeal to you? How could you meet those needs or desires in different ways?

How Can You Stand Firm?

Many times in my premarital promiscuous past, I longed to stop sinning and have sexual integrity. I had an understanding of God’s will and some desire to follow it, but no strategy. I’d get into a dicey situation and find myself saying yes when I’d planned to say no.

Speaking of strategy, John 8:1-11 tells the story of a woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus for condemnation. Jesus simply tells her to “go and sin no more.” Have you ever thought, as I have, “Easier said than done!” Where was the 10-point plan for avoiding adultery? The affair recovery group? The 40 Days to a Sinless Sex Life self-help book?

Actually, all we need is in Scripture, if we’ll absorb what’s there and pray for guidance. Too often, however, churches have focused on extrabiblical measures as strategies for purity. Perhaps the biggest headscratcher I heard was a church camp that insisted teenage couples hold hands like pancakes instead of waffles. Um, because weaving fingers is too sexually tempting?

What strategies does the Bible suggest for sexual integrity? As covered in Part 3 of this series, the number one thing you can do is pursue an intimate relationship with God. Knowing God and being righteous are intimately intertwined. As Psalm 119:10 says, “I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.”

After that, consider what you’re doing with your:

EYES. Do you consistently view bared bodies or sex scenes? You may need to change your viewing habits and/or introduce filtering software. That’s the modern-day equivalent of not going down the street of the adulterous woman (Proverbs 7:1-9).

But also, are you looking at the opposite more than body parts or eye candy…as children of God? Jesus’s approach, even to a sinful woman, was to look deeper and see the person behind the appearance (see On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference).

MIND. Here’s a sampling of what Scripture says about our minds:

• “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads” (Deuteronomy 11:18).
• “Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness” (Psalm 26:2-3).
• “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind’” (Matthew 22:37).
• “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5).
• “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” (Colossians 3:2).

When you find yourself thinking about doing something outside sexual integrity, fix God’s Word in your mind, consider God’s unfailing love and faithfulness, remind yourself that you want to love God with all your mind, set your thoughts on what the Spirit desires and things above.

It’s not enough to keep telling yourself not to think about sexual temptation. That works about as well as telling someone to close their eyes and not imagine a large rabbit. What immediately pops into their head? A large rabbit. Instead, replace the thoughts you don’t want with thoughts you do want.

HEART. The heart is implicated nearly every time someone strays from God’s commands. The Bible speaks of hardening one’s heart, losing heart, not taking God’s word to heart, turning away one’s heart, having pride in one’s heart. And Jesus said that “out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19).

Is your heart where it should be in relationship to God? And what is your heart toward others? You may not have a sexual temptation problem as much as a heart problem.

But God can help with that too: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 26:36).

BODY. If you take care of your eyes, mind, and heart, you may not even need this part, because choices about what to do with your body will come more easily. But God made us sexual beings, and our physiology responds to sexual cues. Also, while working on those other pieces, you may need to focus especially on this piece, which is don’t put your body at risk.

As 1 Corinthians 6:18 reminds us, “Flee from sexual immorality.” That’s a move-your-body command.

In my case, my body didn’t need to be sitting in a dark car, in an isolated area, and passionately kissing my date. That was a recipe for disaster. But while that’s a pretty clear nope, the line you need to draw and the line someone else needs to draw may not be the same. Perhaps you need more distance from your date while someone else can cuddle at the movies and have no problem. But be honest with yourself! Don’t do that “in a perfect world, I can resist XYZ.” Fess up to where your boundaries should be and keep them.

TAKEAWAY: Where does your struggle come from: eyes, mind, heart, body, or all of the above? Think through how you can guard each to maintain holiness. Make a plan.

Will You Do What It Takes?

Long before the man at the Bethesda pool, there was another man who desired healing. Naaman, an army commander, had leprosy, and Elisha was called to heal him. Elisha told Naaman to dip seven times in the Jordan River. Naaman was furious, not only because “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy” (2 Kings 5:11), but also because “Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” (v. 12). But then:

Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’?

2 Kings 5:13

So Naaman steps way outside his comfort zone, dips in the Jordan seven times, and “his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy” (v.14).

I think we’re a lot like Naaman when it comes to having sexual integrity. We want to be fully restored and clean, but we balk at doing the uncomfortable things that it will take to get there. Consider some of these choices that could help us reach sexual integrity but would cause discomfort in the moment or for a time:

AVOID. If you’re having sexual thoughts about someone who isn’t your spouse, you likely need to avoid certain situations with them. Marriages have broken up because a spouse had an affair with someone at work, but typically they spent a lot of time with their affair partner before having sex. Why were they alone so often with someone of the opposite sex?

Alternately, why snuggle with your girlfriend or boyfriend on the couch with no one else around? Why have easy access to pornography that you need to shut down? What do you need to actively avoid?

CONFESS. Confessing about your struggle and inviting help can make a big difference, but we worry that we’ll be shamed for being tempted or crossing lines.

In fairness, people have been shamed for that, and then they keep quiet and keep struggling. The better move is to find a different person, someone who will listen and agree to help you stay on the right path. There are trustworthy Christians, but I admit you may have to search a bit to find the right person to confess to. Still, it’s worth it.

SEEK ACCOUNTABILITY. Beyond confession, you may need someone to regularly report to about your difficulties. Yes, this can make you feel supervised, but it’s often just for a time until you develop good habits.

If you don’t want to enter a support group or have an accountability partner, consider seeing a quality Christian counselor who can help and is legally bound to maintain your confidentiality.

GRIEVE. No one wants to go through grief, but this could be the uncomfortable step you need to take. More and more in my life, I see the benefit of grieving what you want but can’t have, or your past that set you on a poor path, or choices you made that hurt God, yourself, and others. Too often, we don’t sit in that sadness long enough and lament where we are.

But only by going through mourning can we reach the other side. “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing” (Psalm 30:11). Go ahead and grieve.

START OVER. Thank goodness for Peter. He’s the believer I most understand, because he had zeal for the cause but kept messing up. But every time he made a mistake, small or huge, he sought out Christ, learned something, and started over. Peter got Jesus’s 70 X 7 forgiveness and became a rock of faithfulness.

Did you blow it? Go to God, ask for forgiveness, listen to Him better, and try again. As I said before, God’s not thinking, “Well, he’s no longer a virgin, so we’re done with Him.” Rather, He can wash you clean every single time. Now don’t go sinning so that grace may abound (Romans 6:1), but don’t waste weeks, months, years beating yourself up when God just wants to set you on the right path and let you get to living with greater integrity.

TAKEAWAY: Resolve to take those actions that feel awkward, difficult, or even silly to others to preserve your sexual integrity. If/when your resolve wavers, pray for strength and wisdom from God and get back on the right path.

Will You Embrace Repentance and Redemption?

Humility is where my own journey of repentance and redemption began. I sought God’s amazing grace when I admitted that He could save a “wretch like me.” Maybe you don’t feel like a wretch, but I don’t know anyone who’s had a 100% perfect track record in the area of sexual integrity. We could all use a little humility to approach God, seek repentance, and accept redemption.

Wherever you are with premarital sex or extramarital sex or pornography or adultery or what-have-you, it’s worth asking:

1. Do I have any sexual sin or struggles that I need God’s help with?
2. Will I let Him redeem me and embrace His forgiveness?

If you’ve made wrong choices, you may have consequences to face. But please know that God isn’t holding your sin over you or wanting you to have a difficult sex life in marriage because of sin in your past or struggles in your present.

I’m living proof of God’s goodness in the area of sexual sinfulness. But for His redemption and forgiveness, I don’t know where I’d be. Since I have them, though, I know where I am: in a hot and holy marriage, with a ministry to wives and couples, and, most importantly, made pure in Christ.

Let me close with this: Please share what encouragement or strategies have worked for you or others in maintaining sexual integrity. You may come upon something I didn’t think of that would be golden advice to someone else.

Related posts worth reading:
Sexual Disintegrity – My Journey Toward Sexual Wholeness #1 | The Forgiven Wife
5 Lies That Make Sexual Purity More Difficult – Boundless | Juli Slattery
“Just Get Married”: The Worst Advice for the Sexually Struggling | Phylicia Masonheimer

The post How to Maintain Sexual Integrity Before, and After, Marriage appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

On Monday, I wrote a long post asking whether we live in a rape culture. Before you react to that query—with all the preconceived notions you may or may not have about that term—go read the post. But as I explained there, that topic didn’t come out of current events as much as from my recent study of the Book of Esther.

Today, I want to talk about Esther’s story. Why? Because we learn from stories in the Bible about who God is, how He intervened and didn’t, what good and bad choices His people made, and how their ongoing failures demonstrate our desperate need of a savior.

Plus, these biographies help us launch conversations about how sex should be treated in our culture today.

The Typical Tale of Esther

Esther was a young Jewish woman living in Persia during the time of exile. Her parents died, and she was taken in by a cousin, Mordecai. When the king was looking for a new queen, pretty women were taken from their homes to the palace and tried out for the role of queen by spending a night with him.

Esther was among those auditioning, and she impressed everyone in her presence, including the king who chose her as his next queen.

Later, when the Jews were at risk of being destroyed, Esther risked her own life and convinced the king to backtrack on his decree, thus saving her people.

That’s how the tale was told to me and many others for most of our lives.

An Intro to the Real Story

Before we begin, I want to point out that Esther isn’t even her name. It’s Hadassah.

Her name was changed from a Jewish to a Persian name, perhaps to keep her safe. Now, this isn’t sexist, because it happened to Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, whom you probably know as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. But I prefer to tell their tales with their real names. So from here on out, I’ll be talking about Hadassah (aka Esther).

Now maybe it was all those current events, or the stories I’ve heard from wives who write me about their trauma, or certain aspects of my background that I’ve been revisiting lately with fresh eyes, but when I read the Book of Esther this time, I was struck, hard, by the horrors of this one woman’s life and what it meant for all the other women living at that time.

If you want to know what a rape culture is—that is, a culture that normalizes or downplays nonconsensual sex—Hadassah lived in it.

A Foolish, Drunken King

I’ve watched enough Disney princess movies to know that hardship often comes before the realization that one is destined to become queen! Okay, fine, those are fairy tales. But still, I don’t imagine a commoner-to-queen story will come without some struggle. But Hadassah’s story isn’t struggle so much as gambling with your life.

King Xerxes was hardly Prince Charming. Rather, he was a drunk who allowed himself to be persuaded this way and that by his advisors. And he had the power to destroy, through exile and murder.

Indeed, the king exiled his first wife for her unwillingness to be paraded around in front of a bunch of his drunk friends. Warned by advisors that letting the queen get away with such behavior (you know, setting a reasonable boundary) might encourage other wives to disobey their husbands, the king then declared that “every man be master in his own household.”

By master, no one here means leader. I almost imagine this scene as a bunch of cads in a pub ranting about disobedient women needing to be put in their “proper place,” and the culmination of that conversation being a royal decree that came with serious consequences if one disobeyed.

So when Hadassah is taken to the king, what did she think of him? Might she have been enamored of him and/or his position? Could she have been a willing participant in what happened to her? Was she happy to be chosen and made queen?

Like the story of Bathsheba, we’re not told. But at least King David had been and would be again a man of God, while King Xerxes was a foreign, pagan, alcoholic king who had seen fit to force women into subjugation by their husbands. I have a hard time believing Hadassah fell in love with that.

Rather, she was taken into the palace because she had no choice but to “try out” for the role of queen; that is, the king’s trophy wife.

A Woman Taken by the King

In two separate verses (2:10,20), both before and after she becomes queen, it says that Hadassah concealed her identity because Mordecai advised to keep it hidden.

Now, Bible authors often use specific words or phrases to subtly reference other passages in the Bible. Those deeply familiar with the Torah would recognize similarities and note parallels between stories or commands.

Are there any stories or passages with similarities to the story of Hadassah? Well, here’s another beautiful Hebrew woman instructed to conceal her identity and taken by the king ruler into his house. Note the similar wording between this passage and the next one from Esther.

When [Abram] was about to enter Egypt, he said to Sarai his wife, “I know that you are a woman beautiful in appearance, and when the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me, but they will let you live. Say you are my sister, that it may go well with me because of you, and that my life may be spared for your sake.” When Abram entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman was very beautiful. And when the princes of Pharaoh saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh. And the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. And for her sake he dealt well with Abram; and he had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels.

Genesis 12:11-16

And now from Esther:

The young woman had a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at, and when her father and her mother died, Mordecai took her as his own daughter. So when the king’s order and his edict were proclaimed, and when many young women were gathered in Susa the citadel in custody of Hegai, Esther also was taken into the king’s palace and put in custody of Hegai, who had charge of the women. And the young woman pleased him and won his favor. And he quickly provided her with her cosmetics and her portion of food, and with seven chosen young women from the king’s palace, and advanced her and her young women to the best place in the harem. Esther had not made known her people or kindred, for Mordecai had commanded her not to make it known.

Esther 2:7b-8

But wait, Mordecai took Hadassah in as his daughter, while Sarai was Abram’s wife. Except…

While studying the Book of Esther, I came upon an interesting angle. Specifically, it’s possible Hadassah was not like a daughter to Mordecai, but rather his wife. I stress possible because, with the information we have, we cannot know for sure, and it’s not how biblical scholars have typically interpreted the passage.

However, the Babylonian Talmud (one of the two major Talmudic texts) translates that passage as Hadassah being taken as Mordecai’s wife.

And consider Esther 2:7: “He was bringing up Hadassah, that is Esther, the daughter of his uncle, for she had neither father nor mother. The young woman had a beautiful figure and was lovely to look at, and when her father and her mother died, Mordecai took her as his own daughter.” Why bring up her beauty if Mordecai only took her as a daughter? But if she was his wife, that makes a lot more sense.

And that would make Hadassah’s story even more analogous to Abram and Sarai. In which case, Mordecai’s motivation to conceal Hadassah’s identity may have been the same as Abram’s.

The Identity of Hadassah

Now some say that, whether Hadassah was Mordecai’s wife or daughter, he loved her and perhaps wanted her to conceal her identity to remain safe in the palace. After all, “Every day he walked back and forth near the courtyard of the harem to find out how Esther was and what was happening to her” (2:11). But an alternative or supplemental option is that Mordecai might have appreciated an “inside man” in the palace in case things went poorly for him because of his known identity as a Jew.

Perhaps, like Abram, Mordecai was at least willing to use Hadassah to save his and/or his nation’s hide by gaining the king’s favor.

That view would also work with the text, as Hadassah—rich as she becomes—remains at the beck and call of a drunken, angry king, while she “set Mordecai over the house of Haman.” Just like Abram:

And for [Sarai’s] sake he dealt well with Abram; and he had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels, and Abram kept all of that when he left Egypt.

Genesis 12:16

Both Hadassah and Sarai were taken into a ruler’s house, were sexually used by men to save others, and the men who had cared for them before profited in the end.

A Lack of Sexual Consent

Yet, it seemed that Hadassah went along with all this—at least nothing in the text says she spoke up against it. So might Hadassah have consented to sex with the king?

Even if she technically did, she didn’t have a choice. She was expected to sleep with the king according to his timing, desires, and ways, without regard to any rights she might or should have had.

And since being taken into a harem would be ruinous for a Jewish virgin and adultery for a Jewish wife, it’s far more likely that she shut up and put up only because she didn’t want to be cut up.

Again, we expect that from the king. But perhaps Mordecai would show more compassion for her situation? Perhaps?

But once the king issues a decree to kill the Jewish people, Mordecai pleads with Hadassah to intervene. When Hadassah explains that she could be killed for approaching the king without permission, his response isn’t, “My dear daughter [wife], if only there was another way.” Nope, he says:

…“Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”

Esther 4:13-14

And this time, that plea didn’t sound quite as heroic to me. It’s certainly not sympathetic. This time, I found myself wondering whether Mordecai was cashing in on having that inside man and guilting her into putting her life on the line?

Now I know this is a harsh reading of the text, probably unlike what you’ve heard before. But it isn’t an unreasonable interpretation. It is a possibility. It is something to consider the next time you read through the Book of Esther. And none of it dismisses the courage Hadassah showed and what God accomplished in saving His people through one young Jewish woman in a Persian palace.

Sexual Assault Then and Now

Did every man in Bible times treat women so poorly? Absolutely not. Good men have existed in every era!

But Hadassah’s culture permitted sexual misuse, abuse, and even rape—because women were to obey their husbands or risk life and limb. Those who wanted to force sex upon women could do so without great fear of retribution.

And here’s the thing about sexual assault (and harassment, for that matter). It often happens a lot like it unfolds in the Book of Esther:

• Men and/or women view the genders as Us/Them
• Others’ value is based on what they can do for someone
• People misuse their power to gain advantage over others
• Another’s career, family, or survival is held hostage by the perpetrator
• People who know or should know don’t come to the rescue and/or demand justice

What irks me and aches me is how little Hadassah felt that she had a choice—and how often that same feeling has been shared by women throughout history. Including in our day.

After typing that last bullet point above—”People who know or should know don’t come to the rescue and/or demand justice“—I had to stop and cry. Yes, cry. Because when I was much younger, I personally knew about two women sexually mistreated and had no idea what to do about it. If I could go back and do something, anything, to come to the rescue and/or demand justice for these women, I would.

Back then, and given their stories, it would have been hard to report and prove what had happened. Still, I know what happened, and I live with not having done enough.

An Ally for Hadassah

The point of the Book of Esther is not that the Jews showed heroism, through Mordecai and Hadassah, while in Babylonian Exile. The point is that God used even the worst of circumstances to bring about His sovereign plan, and even when it felt that God might be absent, He was there. What happened to Hadassah was not okay—not by a long shot—but God knew her pain, stayed beside her, worked through her, and welcomed her home when her time here was done.

We cannot be an ally for Hadassah, but we can be an ally for others like her. Whether women or men, sexual assault has impacted far too many people.

I don’t know what that looks like for each person. But I think it begins with recognizing where our own culture has fallen short, especially our church culture. Would someone feel they could reveal that they were a victim-survivor of rape? That they had endured sexual assault or harassment at the hands of a fellow Christian or family member? Would they feel that they had a choice—that their consent mattered?

Someday, maybe we’ll sit with Hadassah and she can tell us the full story in her own words. I’ll surely have to backtrack on something I said here, but I suspect the main idea remains: Because you matter, your sexuality matters. Your consent matters. And that should never be taken from you.

The post What Esther’s Story Teaches Us About Sexual Consent appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

First, however, the recent Atlanta shooting brought the issue of purity culture out in the news, and I briefly discussed that fact in my prior post. However, a reader contacted me with more information about the gunman and his concern that I left a wrong impression. I appreciated his insight and inserted this note in that last post:

Others have used this opportunity to discuss purity teaching in the church, but I don’t know the shooter’s motives or what he was taught. Please do not take anything in this post as knowledge of the shooter’s history or reasoning.

Moving on to the issue at hand!

What is purity culture?

Let’s quickly revisit that Purity Culture as a concept largely began with the True Love Waits curriculum launched by Lifeway in 1993. That turned into a movement with pledge cards, purity rings, conferences, books, and more—all emphasizing the importance of sexual abstinence before marriage.

Some of the messages were biblical, but too many were extrabiblical and/or dismissive of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness. Other forms of godly purity were not given sufficient coverage while this one aspect was elevated and at times treated as determinative of one’s standing in the kingdom.

Yes, God is concerned about our sexuality, but as an outgrowth of our hearts and souls.

Yes, God is concerned about our sexuality, but as an outgrowth of our hearts and souls. #Christiansex #purityculture #marriage
Share on X

Let’s do some myth-busting.

Again, I want to say that not all of the messages were bad. Some attacks on Purity Culture want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. But y’all are too smart for that. ~wink~

We can keep the good and filter out the bad and not-quite-right. Let’s take on a few prominent myths.

Courtship, not dating.

The Bible does say, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14), and God repeatedly tells His people to choose a mate from among their own—not referring to race, ethnicity, or nationality, but to their faith. So yes, we shouldn’t choose a marriage partner who doesn’t share our devotion to Christ.

(To those already in that situation, please understand there’s no condemnation for that! See 1 Corinthians 7:13-14.)

But is going out on a date being “yoked”? And is courtship—”the time when people have a romantic relationship with the intention of getting married“—from the beginning the best or only way?

Actually, the Bible shows a number of ways people ended up with their mate. Some were matched by their parents, some found and pursued their love interest, some were rewarded a wife for heroic deeds (sigh…it was the culture then), some fulfilled a family duty, some made a great first impression, and so on.

Moreover, I know Christians who dated, Christians who courted, one couple who dated everyone else in their social circle before they finally courted, Christians who met in person, Christians who met online, and Christians who [fill in the blank] and ended up with solid, godly marriages.

Conclusions

• If possible, God wants us married to (“yoked” with) a fellow believer.
• Being in a relationship that could lead to marriage with someone who isn’t a believer is unwise.
• Though dating could lead to a relationship, a date isn’t the equivalent of a relationship.
• God accepts a variety of paths from meet to marry—including courtship, but not only courtship.
• God wants to bless your marriage however you got there.

Waiting ensures good sex in marriage.

Yes, God’s initial and ideal design is a single sexual partner (one man, one woman), and physical intimacy after a God-blessed, witnessed commitment (husband and wife).

Benefits of waiting include the security of that commitment underlying a very vulnerable experience, the joy of discovering and exploring sexual pleasure and connection together, no pop-up-window comparisons in your mind to prior lovers or worry that you’re being compared, a high unlikelihood of sexually transmitted infections, and the structure of a family for children if/when conception occurs.

Hey, I wish I’d waited. I wish my husband had been my only lover. I wish I hadn’t entered marriage with that particular baggage or added baggage for my previous lovers to take into their marriage. But EVERYONE enters marriage with baggage, whether it’s inaccurate theology, past experiences, erroneous expectations, etc.

And if you didn’t have any of those challenges, give it time. Somewhere in your marriage, something will crop up to challenge your sexual intimacy.

We need to stop guaranteeing something God didn’t guarantee: an easy life. Sure, Christ promised His disciples such beautiful things as salvation, peace, joy, wisdom, the Holy Spirit, and eternal life. But He also said that the world will hate His disciples, we will be persecuted, and we have to carry our cross.

Conclusions

• God’s design is for sex to happen in the covenant relationship of marriage.
• Waiting until marriage comes with certain benefits to oneself and for the marriage.
• Both those who waited and those who didn’t will have problems to resolve.
• I beg your pardon, God didn’t promise you a rose garden* here on earth. We get glimpses of Eden, but not Eden itself, yet.
• Good sexual intimacy is God’s desire for every married couple, whatever their background. (It’s worth the effort.)

Modest is hottest.

That slogan was on t-shirts during the height of Purity Culture. You would have had to pay young adult me a whole lot of money to wear one. (I was a little busy back then pushing the boundaries of my Christian university’s overly strict dress code. ~grin~)

But that isn’t just a slogan. Rather, there’s an entire subgenre of books and resources all about how a women should dress modestly so that men won’t be tempted to lust. Yes, sometimes it went the other way—with men encouraged to be modest—but not often. Rather, the primary modesty message fell on girls, while the don’t-lust message fell on boys.

What’s true about this is that we should consider how our appearance does or does not reflect Christian values. For instance, the one passage where modest attire is addressed is this one:

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

But notice that’s not about how much skin is showing, but rather not displaying one’s wealth. Moreover, let’s discuss the Greek word translated as modesty here. It’s aidos, and it means “a sense of shame or honour, modesty, bashfulness, reverence, regard for others, respect.” It doesn’t mean “cover yourself up, girlfriend!”

Sure, you can make a case that honor, regard for others, and respect means dressing in a way that doesn’t tempt or distract, but really this is about dressing in a way that doesn’t offend or detract. In fact, I think this translation captures the meaning a bit better:

And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 (NLT)

Now if you turn to the passages about lust, not one of them blames the target of lust. Not. One. (I searched.) Indeed, when Job makes his covenant, he holds himself responsible for his choice.

I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.

Job 31:1

In Proverbs, the father tells his son:

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.

Proverbs 6:25

And Jesus warns:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:28

And while I’m at it, none of those passages tell you to “bounce your eyes.” I fully respect the intention here, but constantly avoiding women doesn’t deal with the underlying issue and conveys to women that they are the issue.

I honestly used to believe “bounce your eyes” was a good idea, but when I started to look at the Word of God for what it said, the closest you can come are the next two verses: “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29-30).

It would seem that looking away is better, or at least less painful, than gouging out your eye. But unless you’re at the level of addiction or compulsion—where avoidance is your only way of gaining control—then the approach should be not to look away but to look deeper. That’s what Jesus did (see On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference).

Christ encountered women likely dressed in ways conveyed immodesty (see Luke 7:36-50, John 4:1-26, and John 8:2-11), yet treated them with kindness and respect.

Conclusions

• Modesty is about acting in ways that do not offend or detract from the good works we do as Christians.
• Dressing appropriately—whatever that looks like in your culture—can be part of modesty, but a mature Christian chooses that out of reverence for Christ, not demands by others or the fear of being ogled.
• (By the way, there are passages that make the case for not being naked or close to naked in public—both men and women—but the modesty verses aren’t it.)
• Scripture never blames the target of lust for the sin of lust. It’s the person lusting who’s responsible.
• Most people who struggle with lust don’t need to look away but to look deeper—that is, to see others as a whole person and a child of God rather than the culmination of attractive body parts.

And a quick word about object lessons.

Long before I had a sex blog, I worked in children’s ministry. I’ve done a lot of object lessons! Let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like explaining the resurrection of Christ with a matchstick that you blow out and then watch spark back to life. The kids literally oohed and aahed.

So I understand the power of a great object lesson. But I’m perplexed by some I’ve heard being used to explain the importance of sexual integrity to youth. For example:

• Taking the petals off a flower one by one to show how each sexual experience removes something from you that can never be put back.
• Sticking two pieces of duct tape together and claiming that’s how it is with your first sexual partner, no matter what—you cannot be pulled apart without ripping.
• Asking people to take a bite of or spit on food and then offering it to a volunteer who refuses, to show that no one wants something or someone used by others.

Good heavens! First off, that’s all focused on our behavior more than the heart and faith from which actions flow. Second, every one of those situations is well within God’s power to fix. Seriously, if God can bring dead plants back to life (Ezekiel 17:24), if He can pull the sea apart into two pieces (Exodus 14:21-22), and He can create fresh food for thousands from scraps (Matthew 14:19-21), don’t you think He can handle torn flowers, duct tape stickiness, and spoiled food? And yes, our mess-ups in the sexual arena too.

For too long, I didn’t believe He would. Maybe I thought God could, but I didn’t think He would. Now I think: Balderdash! I think too much of myself and too little of God if I cannot accept His forgiveness for the past, believe in His ability to heal, and embrace the blessings He wants to bestow on my marriage.

I really hope these damaged-goods lessons are not still happening. It’s fine to let singles know that sexual integrity matters, but God matters far more. If I’d understood God’s true love for me, maybe I would have waited. It certainly would have been easier.

What is sexual purity?

Sexual purity is about following God’s design for sex, which is holy and healthy sexuality within the covenant of marriage. Yes, that includes waiting until marriage, and we should teach and practice that, because it’s always better not to have sinned than to have sinned!

But you’re not irrevocably damaged or impure if you messed up. Christ purifies us!

[Jesus] gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

Titus 2:14

And you’re not guaranteed ease and first-in-line through the pearly gates if you kept your V-card until your wedding night. We live in a fallen world that comes with trouble.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

The question teens and singles tend to ask is “How far is too far”? I long ago concluded that was the wrong question. The right question is “How can I honor God with my body and my life?”

The question teens and singles tend to ask is "How far is too far"? I long ago concluded that was the wrong question. The right question is "How can I honor God with my body and my life?" #Christiansex #purityculture
Share on X

Within marriage, it’s honoring to God to pursue mutually satisfying physical intimacy with your spouse. Whatever you were taught, whatever your history, that should be your present and it can be your future.

The post Where Purity Culture Got It Wrong, Let’s Get It Right appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Through the years I’ve received emails from wives who’ve described sexual misuse and even abuse from their husbands and went on to say that they were trying to be submissive. Many shared how they’d had scriptures cited at them—by husbands, church leaders, or other Christians—as evidence that they need to shut up and put up with it. They were raised or instructed to believe that the husband’s leadership should be followed no matter what.

Based on those beliefs, some wives (and husbands) have endured or gone along with pornography, adultery, marital rape, deviance, and abuse.

But wherever you land on the complementarian vs egalitarian debate, there’s no reasonable biblical interpretation that submission means putting up with harmful or degrading sexual behavior from your spouse.

Wherever you land on the complementarian vs egalitarian debate, there's no reasonable biblical interpretation that submission means putting up with harmful or degrading sexual behavior from your spouse. via@hotholyhumorous
Share on X

An aside for my egalitarian friends.

Immediately a number of Christians yell, “See what awful results complementarianism evokes!” and then make arguments for egalitarianism. (If you’ve never heard these terms, I recommend reading this article for a good rundown on the different viewpoints.)

I hear you. I understand. I have studied the large spectrum of perspectives on the issue and have my own opinions, but I’m not taking up a debate here between complementarian and egalitarian roles:

1. Because my ministry isn’t about that, but rather sex in marriage.
2. Because all reasonable Christians along that spectrum should be able to agree on the biblical principles I address below.
3. Because, from a purely practical standpoint, if you have to convince someone on one end of the spectrum to move all the way to the other end before they can address abuse, that’s a long journey and a hard sell.

Moreover, I’m well aware of a case in which a wife insisted her husband become the leader in their house through sexual “discipline.” She would have agreed entirely that the wife should be submissive to her husband and translated that into the dominance-submission framework of BDSM. Through this version of “submission,” the wife got her husband to do things he didn’t want to do in the bedroom and thus degraded him.

I’m not, therefore, going to entangle myself in the comp vs. egal dispute. It’s a worthwhile theological debate, but not the purpose of my ministry or this post. I’m taking a different approach.

Submission is a complex word.

There are about a gazillion treatises on what the word submission, as used in the Bible, means. Theological scholars, church leaders, and laypeople have delved deep and wide into this subject and come up with thorough evaluations of how to apply such passages as Ephesians 5:22-33. But that’s not what I mean here in saying that submission is a complex word.

Rather, what I mean is that Christians come to the word submit with preconceived notions, experiences, and histories regarding its meaning. We may have positive or negative views, but almost no one has a neutral view of the word.

Think about it: If I say the word remember or keep or give, you likely don’t have a strong visceral reaction, even though those are common command words in the Bible. You would want to hear the rest of the sentence before knowing what you think about those verbs.

Yet I could walk into a Bible class at nearly any church, say the word submit, and watch a wave of reactions ripple through the room. Depending on where I was and who I was with, I could predict whether that word would evoke positive or negative responses, but the responses wouldn’t be neutral.

And for some wives, the reaction can be both positive and negative. That is, they believe biblical submission is a positive and want to carry out the command of Ephesians 5:22-24 through submission to their husband. Yet, they have experienced the negative of what this means in their marriage bed—as their husband’s headship has been used to force, demand, or pressure them into acts they would otherwise decline.

Husbands can also experience this disconnect, as they attend to the mandate of Ephesians 5:21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” But in an attempt to accommodate their wife, they might ignore their own desires and ethics, engaging in acts they would never otherwise do.

When must we submit?

If you want to do a personal study on what the word translated as submit in Ephesians 5:22 actually means, go for it. The Greek word is hupotasso, and it’s defined in the New Testament Greek Lexicon as:

A Greek military term meaning “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.”

Hupotasso Meaning in Bible – New Testament Greek Lexicon – New American Standard. (n.d.). Retrieved September 28, 2020, from https://www.biblestudytools.com/lexicons/greek/nas/hupotasso.html

But I want to talk about something else. Let’s look at other passages that command us to submit or even obey others.

We can find numerous passages telling us that we should submit to governing authorities, including Romans 13:1-6, Mark 12:13-17, Titus 3:1, and 1 Peter 2:13-17. Jesus even said to Pilate: “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above” (John 19:11), thus seeming to say that our governing authorities serve at the pleasure of the Ultimate Ruler. This is not the same as saying God supports these authorities or condones their behavior, but rather that He can oust or overrule them if it furthers His sovereign plan. And if He doesn’t, then we’re expected to comply, as Jesus did when arrested, charged, and sentenced.

Yet, there are a number of times when God’s people challenged authorities.

• When the Hebrew midwives refused to kill baby boys, as ordered by the Pharaoh (Exodus 1:15-21).
• When Jonathan refused his father’s/king’s order to kill David (1 Samuel 19:1-4).
• When Nathan confronted King David about his adultery (2 Samuel 12:1-12).
• When Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (aka Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) wouldn’t bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar’s idol (Daniel 3:1-18).
• When Daniel ignored King Darius’s edict and continued to pray to God (Daniel 6:1-10).
• When Mordecai refused to kneel to Haman, according to the king’s order (Esther 3:1-4).
• When John the Baptist spoke publicly against Herod’s incestuous marriage (Mark 5:17-18).
• When temple guards defied an order to arrest Jesus (John 7:32-46).
• When Peter and John escaped from jail then protested the Sanhedrin’s command to stop spreading the gospel (Acts 4:18-21).
• When Peter and the apostles again told the high priest they would defy the Sandrehin’s orders and continue to spread the news about Jesus (Acts 5:27-32).

I could cite more examples—even one in which a judge assassinated the king—but you get the point.

Moreover, Jesus challenged authorities repeatedly: the Pharisees, Sadducees, teachers of the law. He did not return violence or launch an insurrection, but He did not back down from stating the truth and standing up for what was right.

Is it different for wives?

All but one of the examples above are men challenging other men. What I hear from some Christians is that it’s different for wives with husbands. Specifically, they point to how Ephesians 5:22-24 instructs wives to submit to husbands “as you do unto the Lord” and “in everything.” As you do unto the Lord and everything sound rather all-encompassing.

So let’s look specifically at women in the Bible:

• Abigail defied her husband Nabal, making peace with David instead (1 Samuel 25:1-38).
• Esther violated her husband’s/king’s law by entering the inner court without being summoned (Esther 4:5-15).
• Hannah took a vow that obligated not only herself but her husband to give their son into temple service, an unusual if not defiant action (1 Samuel 1:9-11; also see Numbers 30:10-15)
• Jael violated her husband’s treaty when she killed Sisera, the general of the Israelites’ enemy (Judges 4:4-22).

And then there’s Sapphira, a wife who did submit to her husband “in everything.” Her story is told in Acts 5, and here are some verses we should note:

With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself [Ananias], but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet….

About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened [her husband’s death]. Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”

“Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”

Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”

v. 2, 7-9

The apostle Peter doesn’t praise Sapphira’s support of her husband, but rather holds her responsible for her sin. And this is the same Peter who said: “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands” and praised Sarah for her submission to Abraham (1 Peter 3:1,5). What gives?

One piece of faith is not the whole.

There’s a great illustration that’s been used by pastors. I don’t know the original source, as it’s been passed around so much, but the tale goes something like this:

Once upon a time, a young man, longing to know God’s will for his life, decided he would seek the answer by letting his New Testament fall open and trusting that God would speak to him. With a prayer in his heart, he opened his Bible and read the first verse that caught his eye: “So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.”

That seemed odd, but determined to trust God and this process, the young man flipped pages until another verse seemed to jump out at him: “Jesus told him, ‘Go and do likewise.'” With a knot in this throat, he decided to try one more time—to see what else God might want to convey. The young man flipped again and read, ” So Jesus told him, ‘What you are about to do, do quickly.'”

If this guy goes out and hangs himself, he’s obviously not aligned with God’s will!

By cherry-picking certain verses or commands, you can reach a conclusion that’s very far from where God actually wants you to be in your life. In the same way, if the primary piece of Scripture you’re following is about wives submitting to husbands, or submitting to one another, you’re likely missing a lot of the other stuff. As important as that command may be, it is not the whole of God’s message to His sons or daughters!

We should also know what God says about living out the Fruit of the Spirit, what agape love looks like, fleeing from sexual immorality, confronting someone’s sin, and our accountability before God.

You can set reasonable boundaries.

We are not called to participate with sin. In fact, we are called—both men and women—to resist sinful practices.

Let’s head back to Ephesians 5, and scroll up a few verses and you’ll see this, in a letter obviously written to both husbands and wives:

Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

Ephesians 5:8-11

If your spouse says that you must participate in porn viewing, have sex with another man or woman, endure physical restraint or bodily harm, restrain or hit your spouse, engage in forced oral or anal sex, pretend to be someone else in the bedroom, have sex in public areas, videotape your sexual sessions, forgo foreplay you need or want for readiness, and/or provide daily or more than once daily sex, you do not have to submit to that. Regardless of your theological position regarding headship and submission, your higher calling is to honor God.

Let me repeat that. Your priority submission is not to any human being, no matter what authority God has granted to them on earth, but to God Himself. Go back and look at all those biblical examples, if you need the reminder.

Start setting reasonable boundaries. You can learn more about how from Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries in Marriage book and studying more of Scripture itself.

If your husband or wife continues to force or demand, you may need to expose their deeds to the light—following the biblical approach—in hopes that they will repent.

If it is unsafe for you to speak up against egregious sin, then please get help. (See Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage?)

Can you leave the marriage?

People ask this question from time to time, and I hate answering it because:

• Whether you can leave and whether you should leave are two different questions;
• The specific fact pattern and people involved play into that decision;
• You’re likely to get a better answer from mentors or experts you personally consult; and
• Frankly, I don’t want to get it wrong.

But over the years, I’ve heard a few truly appalling stories that made me want to yell, “Get out now!”

Even worse, perhaps, a wife recently shared that her husband had cherry-picked my posts, shared them with his wife, and thus argued that she should comply with his deviant sexual demands. That email cracked my heart, right down the middle. When I replied with what I’d actually said, she felt both encouraged and empowered to hear something even as simple as “You are not your husband’s sex toy.”

Look, I don’t know if you should leave your particular marriage. But I want to be oh-so clear in telling oppressed spouses that submission does not mean putting up with sexual misbehavior. God did not knit your body together so it could be used and abused by someone, even the someone you married.

God did not knit your body together so it could be used and abused by someone, even the someone you married. @viahotholyhumorous
Share on X

For more about whether divorce is permissible, see A Biblical Response to the Abused Wife.

The post Submission Doesn’t Mean Putting Up with Sexual Misbehavior appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Is anal sex ok with your wife?

The second email came from a single-but-searching woman. She’d found another Christian-based site that so praised anal sex she became emotionally distraught. As she explained:

Even though I am not naive to this concept, the idea espoused in the post and comments that this form of sex is more pleasurable and intense for men and more desirable than PIV intercourse turned me off men so badly that I no longer desire to get married….It’s embedded in my mind now that unless I go down that road, I can never truly please a man.

There was more to that email, but basically anal sex receiving so much approbation was a huge turnoff for her.

I’ve talked about anal sex in the past and on the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, but I didn’t have a post dedicated to it. Here’s that post.

What Is Anal Sex?

Some have used anal sex and sodomy interchangeably, but anal sex is more specific.

The term sodomy is based on a reference to the story of Sodom in Genesis 19, in which the men of the town approached Abraham’s nephew Lot about his house guests: “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.” Lot calls this act “wicked,” and soon after the Lord destroyed the entire town.

In some times and places, sodomy thus referred to homosexual anal sex. But it’s also been used to reference all homosexual sex, all anal sex, and even bestiality.

Meanwhile, anal sex specifically refers to sexual penetration of the anus by a penis. Some include penetration by a finger, but I’d categorize that as anal play rather than anal sex.

As for the flip side, a penis-shaped object into his anus, I’m not covering that this time. If you want, you can check out this post.

Why Does Anal Sex Appeal to Some Men?

Several factors contribute to the desire some men have for anal sex.

First, there’s interest or curiosity of having an even tighter fit around his penis. The rectum is tighter the vagina, so the pressure can be more intense.

Also, some claim that the prostate gland—accessible to touch through the rectum—is an erogenous zone more sensitive than the testicles or penis.

Moreover, pornography and erotica often display and convey anal sex as a peak experience that is enjoyable for both partners.

Is Anal Sex a Safe, Healthy Practice?

In short, no.

What’s often not covered by those who advocate anal sex is that it is unsafe, often painful to women, and unnecessary to achieve the ends they recommend. WebMD and others recommend against anal sex and provide important considerations, such as:

• The rectum is not designed to expand and contract like a vagina, so it’s relatively easy to tear tissue.
• The rectum lacks natural lubrication, thus increasing friction and tearing.
• Ongoing anal sex can lead to fecal incontinence.
• Receiving anal sex increases the likelihood of anal cancer.
• For women, anal sex increases HIV transmission by 17 times over vaginal intercourse and is twice as likely to pass the infection as a shared needle.
• Unlike the vagina or the urinary tract, the rectum is full of harmful bacteria.
• Other infections can be easily passed through anal sex.
• In one study, about 3 in 4 women reported pain during anal sex, with higher intensity than the pain or discomfort some might experience with vaginal sex. (By the way, the latter can almost always be resolved, the former not so much.)
• In the same study, about 15% of men reported pain during anal sex.

(See “The Consequences of Heterosexual Anal Sex for Women.” Medical Institute for Sexual Health, August 26, 2016; “Pain Experienced during Vaginal and Anal Intercourse with Other-Sex Partners: Findings from a Nationally Representative Probability Study in the United States.” The journal of sexual medicine. U.S. National Library of Medicine, April 2015.)

But What About the Benefits?

What about that tighter fit and prostate stimulation?

If he desires tighter pressure on his penis, other options include sexual positioning, hand jobs, and penis rings.

As for prostatic massage, anal play with a finger is a possibility, though to remain safe, one could use lubrication and a hand or finger glove. And a wife can also stimulate the prostate gland from the outside, rubbing the stretch of skin and tissue that runs between her husband’s testicles from penis toward anus.

But let’s also put prostate stimulation into perspective. According to a 2015 study: “The orgasm induced through deep prostatic massage is thought to be different from the orgasm associated direct penile stimulation. Although penile stimulation orgasms are associated with 4–8 pelvic muscle contractions, prostatic massage orgasms are associated with 12 contractions. Prostatic massage orgasms are thought to be more intense and diffuse than penile stimulation orgasms, but they require time and practice and are not liked by many men.” (emphasis added)

Are Married Couples Having Anal Sex?

From my online research, the percentage of couples engaging in anal sex is disturbingly high, up to one-third. But it’s not that many when you consider who’s doing it and how.

For instance, 25% of women in one study said they were coerced into having anal sex. Coercion can include force, pressure, guilting, etc., but the ages of those engaging in this behavior top out in the 20s and go down in the 30s. That says to me that some people may try it when they’re younger, but once married—when they feel they can speak up for what they want and don’t want—they do not largely choose to have anal sex.

In my own experience, having heard from hundreds of couples, a large majority of married Christian couples are not having anal sex. Most husbands aren’t even asking for it!

Rather, the vast majority of men who contact me talk about the joy of seeing and touching their wife’s bodies, providing her the pleasure she most desires, giving and receiving oral sex (yep, that’s in there for some, though not all), and above all, penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse that culminates with orgasm.

Why Do Christians Disagree about Anal Sex?

Some Christians out there look at questions like this with the lens of “does the Bible forbid it?” and if the answer is no, then they figure it’s okay and if they want to do it, they will. I understand the desire behind that; such folks have often cited scriptures like Galatians 5:1: “For freedom, Christ set us free. Stand firm then and don’t submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

I’ll skip over the fact that Galatians 5 is not about sexual freedom but Judaic Christians trying to get Gentile Christians to be circumcised. But the intent such Christians have is not to place undue burdens on people or to let prudery of the past determine our course.

Other Christians, like me, think a specific prohibition is not required to say something is at least a bad idea. For instance, I don’t need the Bible to tell me not to do heroin or cross a busy street without looking. And if I do, I can go flip through Proverbs and find a lot of advice about just not being a fool.

Wisdom involves looking at the evidence, including God’s creation. The design of our bodies provides strong evidence that the rectum is not intended for penetration by something as large as a penis; rather, its purpose is to eliminate feces and harmful bacteria, which does not really signal have sex here.

Do You Disagree?

I’m prepared for the comments section to have detractors—even angry ones. My favorite such comment is when someone says, “Who are you to tell me what to do!” Look, I’m not forcing my opinion on anyone. But I’m someone who has researched, read, and writes extensively about sex in marriage from a Christian perspective and whose blog you willingly visited and can click away from any time. Ideally before you leave me a hateful comment.

I’m also someone who says this is not a salvation issue. Some good Christians think anal sex is okay. I think they’re wrong, they think I’m wrong, and we don’t think either is unsaved. However, it is wrong for anyone to advocate so strongly for anal sex that a spouse feels mistreated or deprived if they don’t get it or at least get to try it.

Because whatever you believe, for the love of all that is good and holy, do not pressure your spouse to engage in sexual act they don’t want to do! Love should rule the day in determining your sexual repertoire. You have so many sexual alternatives that your beloved should be able to simply say “no, thank you” to certain sex acts without you getting angry or complaining.

If you want ideas of lots of great stuff you can do instead, scroll down to the footer, click Blog Topics, and look for my How To Tips. Or pick up my book with a plethora of spice-it-up suggestions.

But for those who wanted to know my thoughts on anal sex, I’ll sum it up as I can’t say it is sinful, but I can say it’s an unwise practice.

“All who are prudent act with knowledge, but fools expose their folly” (Proverbs 13:16).

The post Is Anal Sex Okay? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.