Back in 2023, I hosted the first Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise, and it went great! If you could talk to the couples who attended, I believe they’d tell you the same thing. We spent a wonderful week cruising the Caribbean, learning more about marital intimacy as God intended, strengthening our marriages, and getting to know one another as friends and encouragers. We also enjoyed excellent food, fun experiences, and beautiful ports of call.

In 2027, I’ll be hosting the second—and last—Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise. And I’d love for you to join us!

Invest in Your Intimacy

Most couples understand the value of investing in their marriage. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. But neither does healthy sex in marriage. Whether you’re a couple who’s struggled to get on the same page, encountered obstacles, or simply want to keep the spark alive, this cruise is for you.

During our time together, I’ll be teaching sessions focused on building healthy, holy, and satisfying sexual intimacy. We’ll talk honestly, biblically, and practically about what it means to nurture this gift God has given married couples. Plus, you’ll have the big-time bonus of a personal coaching session with Brad and Kate Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries! (That rated as a favorite perk on our last cruise.)

This is an investment worth making!

More Than a Conference

This isn’t a typical marriage conference where you spend all day moving from session to session. Think of it as a marriage retreat at sea.

We’ll gather for teaching sessions and discussions, but you’ll also have plenty of time to relax together, enjoy the ship’s amenities, explore beautiful destinations, and simply reconnect as husband and wife.

The combination of biblical teaching, personal coaching, intentional couple time, and a relaxing vacation creates something truly special.

Why a Cruise?

When some people hear “cruise,” they picture deck parties, loud music, and crowds. Others imagine sitting quietly by the water with a good book. The truth is that a cruise can be either of those experiences—or neither.

One of the things I enjoy most about cruising is that it’s largely what you make it.

Want to dance the night away? You can do that.

Want to play shuffleboard on the deck, watch the ocean roll by, and turn in early? You can do that too.

You can fill your days with activities, shows, excursions, and adventures, or you can spend much of your time simply relaxing together. A cruise offers something many vacations don’t: choices. Lots of them.

And because your lodging, dining, entertainment, and transportation between destinations are all wrapped into one experience, it’s easy to focus less on logistics and more on enjoying time together.

Once you’re onboard, many of life’s usual responsibilities simply disappear for a while. There’s something refreshing about stepping away from normal life and remembering why you chose each other in the first place.

The Details

The Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise will sail aboard the Carnival Liberty from February 14–21, 2027.

We’ll depart from New Orleans, Louisiana, and enjoy stops in:

• Montego Bay, Jamaica
• Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
• Cozumel, Mexico

Your registration includes:

• Seven-night cruise accommodations
• Onboard entertainment, including shows and live music
• Use of pools, hot tubs, and fitness center
• Main dining, as well as included restaurants such as Guy’s Burger Joint, Blue Iguana Cantina, and Mongolian Wok
• All conference sessions
• A personal coaching session with Brad Aldrich (Pennsylvania-licensed marriage therapist) and wife Kate (certified coach)
• Taxes and fees
• Prepaid gratuities

Pricing begins at $2,750 per couple for an interior stateroom, with upgrades available.

Is This Cruise for You?

This cruise is not an intensive intervention for marriages in crisis. But the Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise is a great fit if:

• You’d like practical, biblical teaching about sexual intimacy.
• You and your spouse would benefit from becoming more aligned in your expectations and experiences.
• You’d like to keep the spark alive in your relationship.
• You need time away to reconnect.
• You’ve been wanting a vacation that combines relaxation with relationship growth.

And if you’re still not sure about the cruise part? That’s okay. Many first-time cruisers discover they love it.

Either way, I encourage you to check out the details here and prayerfully consider joining us. I’d love to spend a week with you investing in one of God’s greatest gifts to married couples: intimacy.

The post The Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise Is Back! appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Why aren’t you having the sexual intimacy you anticipated experiencing after marriage? Good question. And the answer is: I don’t know. Because every situation is different. But I can tell you some common reasons why sex isn’t happening in many marriages, and that might include yours.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Whenever I list the various hats, or roles, that I wear, the list is far too long. But I’m nowhere near as busy as I was when I was a young mom. Many of you can relate to the feeling of overwhelm. There’s so much to do, and not enough time or enough you to accomplish it all. Add sex on top of that, and phew, you need a solo vacation right now.

Exhaustion certainly takes a toll—on us individually and on our marital intimacy. Finding time to connect sexually is difficult enough, but finding time to connect emotionally so that you feel open to connecting sexually is a double-whammy challenge. I hear you. I’ve been there.

And yet, I have regrets about not paying more attention to my marital sex life. If I could go back and do it over, I’d tell younger wife me to delegate some responsibilities, let some things go, communicate more with my husband, and prioritize our sexual satisfaction. When I did release all that tension and leaned into sexual enjoyment with my husband, I felt connection with him and a much-needed release of tension. You might find refreshment there as well.

Physical Challenges

If one or both of you have physical limitations, ongoing pain, or chronic illness, sex is either difficult to engage in or doesn’t feel all that good. Most of the time, the spouse is aware of what’s going on, but not always. In particular, a fair number of wives don’t admit sexual pain or discomfort to their husbands, instead choosing to bear through the pain.

If you’re having physical struggles, please let your spouse know and get on the same page to seek relief. Sometimes, you can resolve the problem, and other times, you can find ways around it that allow you to enjoy sexual intimacy. It might require medical treatment, marital aids, or an expanded view of what constitutes a successful sexual encounter, but don’t give up when physical challenges appear.

By “don’t give up,” I don’t mean keeping having sex that hurts! You may need to take a break while pursuing ways to address your physical challenges. In the meantime, stay connected in your marriage in other ways, so that if/when you can re-engage in sexual intimacy, you have outside-the-bedroom intimacy fueling your desire and satisfaction.

Relational Conflict

Speaking of which, if you’re not eager to spend time with your spouse outside the bedroom, it’s no wonder you’re not eager to spend time with him/her inside the bedroom. Many couples have tension or conflict in their marriage that makes sex far less appealing that it would be with a healthy relationship. On top of that, a lack of sex can create more tension and conflict, meaning that couples can find themselves in a loop where frustration with each other results in less sex and less sex results in more frustration with each other. Rinse and repeat.

Higher desire spouses may think the answer is to begin with having more sex, and to be fair, that has helped some marriages out there, including mine. But higher sexual frequency without emotional safety has hurt more marriages. Most spouses need to feel relationally secure to be eager for the vulnerability and surrender of truly intimate sex.

If your relationship isn’t going well, work on that. If your spouse is on board, great! If not, go first. My husband and I came back from the brink of divorce because I stopped arguing with him so much and started working on my own issues. That didn’t mean he didn’t have issues, but once I changed how I approached him, the dynamic of our relationship changed and we built something solid, lasting, and joyful.

Where should you start? It depends on how bad things are. You might benefit from reading a marriage book together, taking a relationship course or attending a marriage retreat (or my upcoming cruise—more details soon!), or seeing a counselor. You may simply need to work on certain relationship skills, like better communication or deal with deeper issues (see Trauma section below). But remember that mutually desired and satisfying sex is one part of a whole marital relationship, and that relationship must be tended for it to thrive.

Pressure/Demand

Let’s say you feel pressured for sex—consciously or subconsciously—so you do the normal human thing and push back. That pressure may come from your spouse, or it could be messages about owing your spouse sex whether or not you feel like it at the moment.

Among the myths I’ve tackled are that sex is for the husband rather than the wife, a spouse cannot say no to a sexual encounter, 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 says we owe our spouse sex no matter what, not having sex with your spouse means you’re responsible when they cheat or watch porn, and you should perform the sexual acts your spouse desires whether or not you want to. Spouses (mostly women in these cases) who have absorbed these message may feel pressured or obligated, whether or not their beloved is actually pushing them.

That said, some spouses are pushy. In a recent episode of our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, I mentioned that I’ve witnessed husbands complain publicly about their wife not giving them sex and then add, “I don’t know why she won’t have sex with me.” To which, I want to say, “I know why you’re not getting any, sir.” Whether she knows about the comments or not, he’s harboring ongoing resentment toward her that makes her naturally retreat. Now, before you gents get mad at me, I truly believe that sex should be happening in most marriages! I have devoted over 15 years to helping spouses get laid, so to speak. But while God intends for sex to happen in our marriages, more than that, He intends for us to be loving to our spouses. (See Are You Owed Sex in Marriage?) Demand and pressure are never okay in the marriage bed.

If pressure or demand might play a role in your or your spouse’s resistance, start a conversation. Explain that you desire closeness but not pressure. Ask about myths you’ve each embraced. Talk about what a sex life where you both feel free to give a not-now no and a truly willing yes would look like. Do you need to back off for a bit? Trade out initiation? Talk to a counselor?

I don’t know what you need in your particular marriage, but bring up the topic. Oh, and recognize that you may not able to discuss it at that first meeting. You may need a few times before you each feel safe and able to express yourselves in a way that moves the ball forward. (For quality conversations about sex, get my book, Pillow Talk.)

Sex Doesn’t Go Like It Should

Once you begin a sexual encounter, you and your spouse should engage in affection and foreplay that leads to increasing arousal, followed by connection and/or climax. If that’s not how sex goes, you may not want it the next time. Or the next or the next.

What went awry that makes you less eager for sex in the future? It could be a number of things, such as:

• Not enough foreplay to get you aroused enough for intercourse and/or orgasm
• Hormonal challenges that prevent your body from reaching sufficient arousal (especially true for women with issues like vaginal dryness)
• Erectile dysfunction (not being able to achieve or to maintain an erection throughout the sexual encounter)
• Premature or delayed ejaculation
• Inability to reach climax

When sex doesn’t unfold the way it should, or that would feel satisfying for you, you can become anxious and/or discouraged about the next time. And if it’s happened more than once or multiple times, you can come away with the sense of why bother? After all, you know you’re going to be disappointed, right?

Only, I used the word should very deliberately here. We don’t want to should all over ourselves, but if you know that sex isn’t going the way God intended it to go, then you might want to ask why and then see if there might be some answers to your struggles.

All of the issues named above can be addressed in some way. It could be that the solution is rather simple, or it could be that you have to make some adjustments that might not be ideal but still provide delight and intimacy between husband and wife. As I’ve said before, start by seeing your healthcare provider (Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First. – Hot, Holy & Humorous).

Trauma

The statistics on how many people have been through sexual trauma are heartbreaking, but even more so are the stories told by those who’ve been through it. That never should have happened to you. But in our broken world, sexual abuse or assault have touched the lives of many spouses and their marriages. When your body has been misused so badly, it can be hard to see sex as the good thing God intended it to be.

But it’s not just sexual trauma. Other forms of trauma—general abuse, chronic neglect, loss of loved ones, etc.—can impact how you view yourself and others in ways that in turn impact how you approach sexuality.

You may not even realize that past trauma is at least one reason why you don’t feel comfortable or interested in having sex. You may simply know that your body tenses and your mind clouds when the topic comes up, or your spouse initiates, or even at some moment during the encounter. Trauma experts now recognize that our bodies remember the trauma, even if we’re not fully conscious of what’s happening.

From everything I’ve learned on this topic, the only way out is through, and most survivors need trauma-informed care. If this is your story, look for a counselor with that background. One source I can recommend is the Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network, which has coaches who’ve been through in-depth trauma training at the well-regarded Allender Center. Don’t seek help for your sex life. Seek healing for you. You, God’s dear son or daughter, are worth it.

That wraps up six reasons why many married couples aren’t having the sex they could be having, and they range from common busyness to tragic trauma. But all of them have answers, if you will seek them. And especially if you seek them together, bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and honoring one another (Romans 12:10).

Mark your calendars! More info coming in just a few days.

The post 6 Reasons Why Sex Isn’t Happening in Your Marriage (and How to Address Them) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before we get started, I have an announcement.

Mark your calendar and watch for more info soon. Now to the content!

My book Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design has a chapter on sex positions with this excerpt:

There are only a few main positions, but many variations. Those sixty-four positions in the Kama Sutra, and any others people come up with, are really variations within a few major categories.

I still believe that, but it can help to have a bit more information on how to strike a good pose for your lovemaking, adjust as needed, and increase your mutual pleasure. So let’s talk about sex positions.

And thanks to Christian Friendly Sex Positions for their wonderful site and permission to use their illustrations.

What are the major categories?

There’s no definitive list. But might I suggest these mix-and-match categories?

1. Man on top / Woman on top / Side by side
2. Standing / Sitting / Kneeling / Squatting / Lying down
3. Facing each other / Rear entry / Side angle

Take any sex position, and it will likely fit into these categories. With #2, you’re not necessarily doing the same pose. For instance, he could be kneeling while she lies down, or she could be squatting while he lies down. But you can see how almost everything fits pretty well into these general body poses.

Within those main positions, you can do a lot of shifting, angling, and moving that make a difference in how pleasurable the experience is for both husband and wife.

What are the variations?

As the 18^th century poet William Cowper said, “Variety’s the very spice of life!” I don’t think he was referring to sex, but it certainly applies. Within those main categories, varying what your arms and legs are doing, the visual you get of your spouse’s body, and the angle of entry can all lead to more interesting and satisfying sexual intimacy.

Let’s take a very basic position and see how “spicing it up” can create different and possibly better sensations: The Missionary Position.

Missionary is a lying-down, man-on-top position and what you’re most likely to think of when you first think of sex between man and woman. It’s certainly the one we’ve seen on screen the most, and the one historically approved of by the church. (It was also known as the matrimonial position.)

Before we pan it, let’s note that this “vanilla sex” position is satisfying to many couples. That said, with a few adjustments, we can end up with all kinds of variations, including the Reclining Lotus:

And the Over Easy:

FYI: That red triangle is a Liberator wedge pillow (highly recommend), and no, I did not name these positions.

These variations have the spouses’ hands in the same place, more or less. But other categories allow him or her to add manual stimulation. For instance, the Reverse Cowgirl (access to him):

Or the Dragonfly (access to her):

Full disclosure: I did suggest and name the Dragonfly. (You’re welcome.)

How can you find the best positions?

What’s immensely enjoyable to one wife may not be to another. Same with husbands, of course. Even though we all have the same basic body parts, our sensitivities and desires differ, so what works best for you as a couple should take into consideration:

Your body’s capabilities. This is increasingly an issue for me and my husband, because aging has made some positions more difficult to attain or sustain. Our muscles and joints simply don’t like them anymore.

But you may have other challenges, such as height differences, being plus-sized (see this excellent post from my friend Chris), or chronic pain. Don’t try positions that you can’t do without hurting yourself. You won’t be able to focus on the pleasure you’re feeling when discomfort is competing for your attention.

Your goals for this encounter. One perk of sex within a long-term marriage is experimenting with a variety of encounters. Like is this going to be a long lovemaking session, a quickie, or something in between? Are you focused more on her this time, him this time, or an equal exchange of pleasure? Is this encounter more about feeling connected to one another or having exciting orgasms?

Taking that last question as an example, if you want to feel especially intimate with your spouse, you might choose a face-to-face position where you can look into one another’s eyes and share ongoing kisses. But if you want an explosive climax, you might look for a position that allows deeper penetration or rubbing against her clitoris.

Your experience. After you’ve tried a position, talk about your experience with it. Maybe not right after the sexual encounter but whenever you can calmly revisit how it went. Let your spouse know how it felt and decide together whether that position was a one-off or gets added to the repertoire.*

*Quick note to husbands: Just because she orgasmed doesn’t mean it was a good position for her. I’ve heard from wives whose husbands concluded that, but she in fact didn’t like it because it felt impersonal or for some other reason. Just trust each other’s feedback and go from there.

How do sex positions work in real life?

So you’ve got your new position to try. Do you just strike that pose and then let the thrusting begin? Maybe. But more often, you’ll use more than one variation during a sexual encounter.

Let’s say you start with what my podcast co-host Chris Taylor named Stallion Style (aka “doggy style”):

After a little while at this position, you may decide to change the angle of entry by having him stand beside the bed instead. She shifts as well, perhaps hoping for deeper penetration. And you end up in the Beep Beep position:

If it’s taking a while for climax to arrive, that position might become uncomfortable for her to sustain. So she moves to join her husband in standing, with the Man on Fire position:

Of course, not every encounter is going to have three positions! But you can see that it’s not just a matter of striking a pose. You’re likely in movement during sex and adjusting as needed. It could be small changes, like the wife moving her legs from lying on the bed to wrapped around his torso to pull him closer or the husband going from bending over her to sitting up straight to get a better view of his beloved. Feel free to go with what your bodies are telling you so that you can enjoy your intimate experience together.

Then again, if you’re both feeling lazy but still want to be intimate, you could stick with this one position called Banana Pancakes:

I also suggested and named this position, but I promise that’s the last one! (At least for now. ~wink ~)

Wives and husbands, I encourage you to try something new. It doesn’t have to be a particularly adventurous position. Maybe just a variation of what you’ve already been doing. You might find that better sex positioning helps you experience more satisfying sex.

P.S. If you’re wondering if sex positions are ever mentioned in the Bible, I’m pretty sure the Lover and Beloved were actually doing more than sleeping in this verse…

The post Strike a Pose! (But Don’t Stay There.) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

The post Why Isn’t Sex in Marriage Easy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in 2013, I contributed a guest post to Jolene Engle’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage series. I re-read the post, tweaked it just a bit, and wanted to share it with y’all. So here it is, on a subject near and dear to my heart: wives who desire and enjoy sex in marriage and what that says about them.

Can sex-driven wives be godly wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.

Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being.

God gifted marriage with sexual intimacy.

God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.

In the Song of Songs, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the wife eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).  And after the couple makes love, there’s a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that it represents God’s voice. What does that voice say? “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love” (5:1). In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!

Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris.  For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose seems to be female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.

Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that higher desire wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.

It’s still common to hear Christians talking about the importance of sex in terms of a wife needing to meet her husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have!

And those of us who really like and want sex feel like dodo birds … or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label from my own mind and embrace the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.

Even spiritual. Yes, spiritual.

Spiritual values can have physical manifestations.

Consider that Jesus’s spiritual commands have a physical component:

• Love someone … by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew.
• Help others … by giving to the poor.
• Serve others … by giving your time and resources to care for them.

Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.

Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: affection, yes, but also sex. And as long as you’re doing it in a way that honors your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.

Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate.

If you’re focused on sexual intimacy to the neglect of other parts of your relationship, that’s one thing. (And a thing you should look into and resolve.) But if you simply desire and enjoy sex with your husband, that’s a longing from God. One who wants to fulfill.

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