In my last post, 4 Sex Research Findings I Keep Coming Back To, I shared that I’m involved in a research study about married women’s sexual experiences and provided a link for wives to take our survey. And then, I found out the link wasn’t working. (Of course it wasn’t. Why should months of work culminate in everything going smoothly when we release the link? Sigh.)

Please Participate

If you were able to take the survey (the QR code presumably worked), thank you for doing that! If you tried but couldn’t reach it, the proper link is below. And if you didn’t click the link or scan the QR code, please do so! Here’s info about the study:

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

A Few Notes About Research

Having reported on many studies, and now helping with a study, I’ve learned a lot about how research is conducted. In a prior post, I noted The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research. But here’s a short list of research considerations:

• Sample. Quality research involves a representative sample (unless it’s a case study, which is different). For instance, in the work I do here, findings of a study of committed couples are more relevant than one of single college students.
• Purpose. Studies ask a question and then attempt to answer it. However, most of the time, researchers don’t tell you the specific question(s) they’re looking into because sharing their hypotheses ahead of time could influence participants’ responses.
• Measurement. A key question is how to measure whatever the researchers are looking for. In sex studies, researchers typically have people engage in sexual activities in a lab or fill out questionnaires (obviously, more people would prefer to do the latter). To reach credible outcomes, a measurement should be valid and reliable; that is, it measures what it says it measures and produces the same results when repeated under similar conditions.
  • Note: Some research uses more than one questionnaire previously established as valid and reliable, and the questionnaires may overlap. While it can feel weird to answer similar questions more than once, researchers usually can’t remove “repeats” because that would affect the validity and reliability of their findings.
• Confidentiality. Researchers should always tell you how the information you provide will be used and lay out how your private details will be protected.
• Institutional Review. Well-respected research normally goes through an institutional review process, meaning those conducting the study submit the why and how of their research to an expert board to make sure everything’s on the up and up. If the board finds any problems, they can and should request changes.
• Participants’ Rights. Participants should have the right to opt out at any time and also be made aware of where and how to report any concerns or complaints.

If you want to know more about how research involving humans should unfold, check out the US Department of Health & Human Services page About Research Participation. The World Health Organization also has information about conducting human research ethically.

One More Time

If you’re willing, wives, please take 20 minutes and complete our survey. Here are the link and QR code again. Thank you!

The post A Call to Wives to Help Our Research (w/an updated link) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in the 1950s and 1960s, the duo of William Masters and Virginia Johnson began conducting research experiments about sexual arousal and climax. They were groundbreakers for sure, but their participant pool and methods skewed the results a bit. Thankfully, scientists have improved their approach since then, and we now have some fairly good studies that tell us a lot about how our bodies function and our relationships flourish.

Of course, not all studies can be trusted and/or widely applied. For instance, finding out how single college students approach sex won’t tell you that much about how middle-aged couples married for decades approach sex. And certainly, some researchers go in with a biased viewpoint and use methods—often unintentionally but still—which influence the results.

Today, I thought I’d share some of my favorite findings from sex research. But first, I need to ask for your help with an important study that I’m involved in. Please, wives, consider participating! Just click the button or scan the QR code below to get to the survey.

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

Please remember to take that survey! In the meantime, here are four favorite research findings I’ve come back to again and again.

Sexual Desire Isn’t About Being “In the Mood”

Those sex research pioneers, Masters and Johnson, proposed a sexual response cycle that included excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Everyone they studied showed up to have sex or masturbate, so they weren’t really looking much into what sparks desire. Rather, for a very long time, the notion was that you felt in the mood, then you headed into those four stages of sexual interaction. But a lot of spouses reported not feeling in the mood, like maybe ever.

Hats off to Dr. Rosemary Basson who dug deeper and realized that we were missing a huge chunk by focusing on those who independently, or “spontaneously” experienced sexual desire. Many people’s sexual interest is more responsive. That is, they might start in on excitement—engaging in actions that stir arousal—and thus awaken their sexual desire.

This shift is understanding can be HUGE for some spouses and couples! Did you think you were broken because you didn’t want sex like your husband or wife did? Maybe it’s just that you get into it after it starts. Did you feel rejected because your spouse never seemed to be in the mood? That doesn’t mean they don’t desire you or sex; they just need some other stuff to happen first. Have you been at odds with each other because your sexual interest works differently? What if you learned to appreciate your differences and figured out how to get both of you fully engaged?

Intercourse Isn’t the Best Way for Her to Climax

Speaking of researchers, Sigmund Freud had problems. Including his insistence that clitoral orgasms were inferior and immature, while vaginal ones were superior and mature. We now know that all orgasms emanate from the clitoris—some from direct stimulation of the bulb (the part at the top of her vulva you’re likely most aware of) and some from indirect stimulation of the wishbone-shaped clitoris (which can produce what feels deeper, or “vaginal”). And one climax isn’t better than another. You might prefer one more than another, but they all count.

Indeed, research has shown that many women don’t regularly climax from intercourse. Some simply can’t. And that’s okay. As Song of Songs says, “at [your] door is every delicacy” (7:13). That is, you have options.

One wonderful study shared about the “Golden Trio.” These are the three actions most likely to lead a wife to reach climax, and they are genital stimulation, oral sex, and/or deep kissing. So if you want the wife to reach that peak of pleasure, aim for one or more of those actions. If you want the orgasm to arrive during intercourse, add genital stimulation or deep kissing during that part. Or simply go for a second one for her with intercourse after she’s reached her climax in a different way.

Wear Your Socks to Bed!

Have you heard of serendipitous discoveries? It’s when someone is studying one thing and discovers something different. For instance, Alexander Fleming was studying staphylococcal bacteria when mold contaminated a Petri dish and the bacteria around died. “Wait a minute,” Fleming said (more or less) and discovered penicillin, the first antibiotic. Percy Spencer was working on radar magnetrons when a chocolate bar in his pocket melted. “Wonder what would happen if I tried popcorn,” he thought . . . and the microwave oven was born. Then there’s sildenafil, a drug originally tested as a treatment for angina. It didn’t work well for the heart, but travel 18 or so inches down and it was quite effective! Don’t know what sildenafil is? It’s the generic name for Viagra.

Likewise, some researchers in The Netherlands were looking at brain scans during orgasm to see which parts light up and which turn off. They published the scan findings but noticed something else worth reporting: Both men and women reached orgasm more easily while wearing socks. And it wasn’t a small effect. Couples who kept their feet cozy had a 30% increase in climax.

It’s no guarantee, but why not try wearing your socks to your next lovemaking session? Not having cold feet could make other places heat up more easily.

Sexual Growth Really Can Happen

One of the most damaging beliefs one can have about sex in marriage is that you’re either compatible or not. Having this attitude can lead one to try out various lovers before marriage, looking for The One that they enjoy sexually the most—when that isn’t the best way to choose a partner and adds sexual baggage you both may need to deal with later. It also allows people to excuse their stubbornness and unwillingness to change. After all, if that’s just who you are, then there’s no point in even trying. And it soaks us in a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. If you’re married to someone you’re simply not sexually compatible with, then it’s never going to change and you have to live with the tension and despair for the rest of your life. Or divorce and find someone you are sexually compatible with—at least until you hit a speedbump in that relationship.

Sexual compatibility has been talked about a lot, but it’s not evidence-based. Marriages have seasons. Sexual problems can be resolved. Plenty of people change. But they have to ditch that fixed mindset and adopt a malleable perspective regarding sexual desire and satisfaction.

Across multiple studies from 2017–2021, researchers consistently found that believing sexual intimacy can grow and develop is linked to better outcomes. Growth beliefs were associated with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, greater sexual desire for both partners, healthier coping with sexual problems, lower rejection sensitivity, and even lower problematic pornography use. Meanwhile, fixed or “destiny” beliefs were tied to lower satisfaction, more conflict, more anxiety and depression, and more negative coping responses. One study also found that, without reinforcement, the benefits of a growth mindset fade over time, suggesting that we have to intentionally nurture this perspective.

One way to do that is to stay close to God—His Word, prayer, worship—because one core message of our faith is that He brings restoration and transformation. Also look for marriage resources that promote nurturing your relationship, including your sexual intimacy.

Quality research reveals God’s design for sex. Sex was God’s idea, and He made it to be an intimate experience between husband and wife. But of course, we live in a fallen world, so not everyone is experiencing that right now. It’s important to remain in His Word to understand His plan, but we can also get at God’s truth through well-conducted research. Which is why I want to remind all wives again to please complete the 20-minute survey described above. Here are that link and QR code again. Thanks!

Related Posts: Fun Findings about Sex, What Research Says You Need for Better Sex, The “Golden Trio” That Could Bring Her to Orgasm, 4 Research-Based Tips for Better Sex, 4 Curious Findings from Sex Research, The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research, Embrace a Sexual Growth Mindset, Volunteer for Marital Intimacy Research Today

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Lately, I’ve been reading academic papers about faith and sex. I don’t usually pick up detailed studies with tiny font, research lingo, and statistics for my summer reading, but it’s for a project I’m involved with. And it turns out that it’s much more interesting than it sounds.

The main question of several of these papers is how “religiosity” impacts satisfaction with one’s sex life. Researchers measure religiosity in both external and internal ways (e.g., church attendance vs personal commitment). And so far in my reading, it appears that the internal measures—that is, an internalized faith—has a positive effect on one’s sexual satisfaction.

Let’s look at how faith helps one’s sexual satisfaction in marriage, as well as when it doesn’t.

Faith leads to values associated with sexual satisfaction.

Oftentimes, researchers attempt to “control” for factors that could influence the outcome. For instance, if I run a study of 100 couples and discover a correlation between wearing socks and having an orgasm (an actual outcome of one study!), I might immediately conclude we should all wear socks. But what if a different variable was actually at work—say, whether participants fantasized during sexual activity? I could ask about sexual fantasy and include it as a “statistical control” to see if that had as much or more to do with orgasm than wearing socks. If sexual fantasy didn’t correlate high enough, then I could safely advise: “Slip on some socks!”

In the studies I’ve read, religiosity—or how much a person engages with and values their religious beliefs and practices—is definitely correlated with higher sexual satisfaction in marriage. But once researchers controlled for some factors like commitment to one’s spouse and time spend together, the impact of religiosity itself was less significant.

But wait a minute! What’s actually happening is that higher religiosity individuals tend to view marriage as sacred and requiring a higher commitment, while couples who live out their faith—such as having faith conversations and praying together—spend more time together. So researchers agreed that genuine faith leads to higher sexual satisfaction, but through mediators like commitment, fidelity, and time together.

But religion has hurt some of your sex lives.

While the research at this point seems pretty clear—internalized and practiced faith fosters better outcomes for marital sex—it would be foolish to say being a Christian always leads to better sex. Indeed, some of you have been hurt by messages and people in our faith.

If you combed through news stories, social media posts, memoirs, or my email, you’d find plenty of stories from folks who were abused by someone in the church, absorbed terrible messages about sex, were mistreated by a spouse who claimed faith while acting without compassion, and felt abandoned by God. You’d read about people who cried out for help from fellow church members, leaders, and/or Christian counselors and received responses that doubled the pain.

I can make a biblical case for faith in God leading to a better sex life. I’ve done that quite a lot on my website and in my books. But let’s look again at the research.

It matters what you believe.

Among the research were studies about how “sanctification” of sex—that is, beliefs about the meaning and reverence of sexual intimacy—improves satisfaction. But that’s not what a lot of Christians have been taught.

Instead, many men were taught entitlement while many women were taught obligation and then tried to live that out. Plenty of folks were taught that the appearance of commitment mattered more than actual fidelity and kept sexual secrets that wounded them and their spouses. Some people were taught that sex being sacred in marriage meant it would be easy, and when problems came, they had few or no resources to address them. And far too many Christians were taught through sexual trauma that they didn’t matter as persons but only as tools for someone else’s pleasure.

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

None of that is God’s design for sex. Rather, the message Christians should declare is that God wants spouses to experience mutually desirable and satisfying sexual intimacy and marriage beds should be filled with Christ-like virtues like compassion, honor, and love. Anything less than that is not a sanctified view of sex.

It matters what you (both) practice.

Identifying as Christian isn’t enough. As James put it: “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves” (James 1:22, NLT).

In fact, a little bit of church or the Bible can be worse than none at all. Why is that? For men in particular who attend church or read the Bible irregularly, they can pick up phrases and verses to use against their wives rather than surrendering to the whole counsel of God.[1] For instance, they may pull 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 out of context and use it to pressure their wives for frequent sex, or embrace the concept of male “headship”—the validity of which we can discuss another time—without grasping that the King of Kings got on his knees and washed the dirty feet of those he led (see John 13:1–17).

Of course, many wives also listen to the Word of God like someone “who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like” (James 1:23–24). Rather than living out 1 Corinthians 13 love, we can become selfish, harsh, or dismissive of our husbands. I say this as someone who’s been guilty of all of those.

As individuals, we can make choices about what we put into practice. And you don’t get those better outcomes in sexual satisfaction—not to mention our lives and our very souls—without a deeper dedication to God’s will.

But you also lose out on it if your spouse does not embrace faith or practice its tenets—such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).

Predictably, the best situation is when both husband and wife commit to religiosity and sanctification of their sexual intimacy.

It matters what support you have.

Do friends, family, and fellow Christians encourage your faith and your marriage? Does your church speak about sex in a biblical-yet-practical way? Do you have resources to turn to when you face challenges in your life, marriage, or sexuality? Do you have the time and space to devote to spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible study, worship, and service? Does your spouse support your desire and efforts to live out your faith?

If you answered yes to all of those, I suspect you have a better sex life than most … or can and will get there. But for those who don’t have such support, you may struggle to internalize and practice your faith as fully as you could and should. (I answered one of those questions with a “no.” So again, speaking to the choir here!)

Community matters. If your current circles are not sufficiently supportive, look for ways to build a stronger community for yourself and your marriage. And someone out there needs to hear this next part: It’s okay to cut ties with contacts or churches that have profoundly hurt you. You can forgive someone without staying connected. Look for the kind of friends and support that God would give a big thumbs-up.

God created us to have better sex.

I’ll still be reading research studies for a while yet, but I feel certain that there will be no big surprises. I appreciate the small ahas, but the umbrella conclusion is exactly what I’d expect: Doing life the way God created us to live is better for us.

I’m not suggesting any guarantees here. You could do absolutely everything right, and an accident or illness could render you unable to engage in any sexual activity. We can get off-track if we believe the benefits of faith are all experienced here on earth. Instead, the Bible promises us trouble, persecution, sorrow, and death. But the odds are far more in your favor to follow God.

This world was broken by sin, but God’s goodness still abounds. We see it in the beauty of nature, we hear it in the moving sounds of music, and we feel it in the joy of a newborn baby. We touch it when we embrace our loving spouse in a sanctified sexual encounter that expresses and increases our intimacy.

In short, God created us to worship Him and live out His commands, and doing so will likely lead to better sex. The research agrees.

[1] Nancy Pearcey goes into this in detail in her book The Toxic War on Masculinity, and researcher Brad Wilcox also discussed it in Soft Patriarchs, New Men.

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But not all research is well-done or applicable to the Christian life. We should use caution and discernment when looking at these studies. So let’s look at the perks and pitfalls of sex research.

What’s the purpose?

If you remember anything about the scientific method from school, you know that a study begins with a hypothesis. Ideally, observation and background research inform the hypothesis, but the research itself follows a pattern of asking a question, forming a hypothesis, determining the sample and design, conducting the experiment, analyzing data, and drawing conclusions.

What hypothesis researchers propose impacts how they design the study, which data they look at and which data seems irrelevant or tangential to their purpose, and how they process the results of the study. The researcher might be biased or simply might be looking at A and not B, and that needs to taken into consideration when deciding whether the research is applicable to our marriage.

For instance, let’s say a researcher wants to know whether a couple is more likely to climax after watching pornography together. The researcher presumes pornography to be a benign or beneficial act and then looks at short-term effects on sexual arousal and satisfaction. Indeed, plenty of studies have noted some positive, short-term effects of viewing porn. But that purpose is at odds with our goals for marriage!

We want our marriages to honor God and others. We want our sexual focus to be on one another, not bringing in others outside the bedroom. And we want to understand the negative, long-term effects of viewing porn (see An Open Letter on Porn | gottman.com), as well as the cost to those involved in the porn industry (By the Numbers: Is the Porn Industry Connected to Sex Trafficking? | fightthenewdrug.org).

Other research might be right in line with our goals, despite being from a secular viewpoint. For instance, a 2016 study of 52,588 people showed a 30-point orgasm gap between men and women. That is, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same. The study’s purpose of determining how often men vs women orgasm is useful information for husbands and wives as well.

Who’s the sample?

The study’s sample is a key factor in deciding whether (1) the study was well-designed, and (2) its conclusions apply.

When looking at a study, ask: Where did the study subjects come from? What are their demographics (age, gender, etc.)? Were the participants already primed in some way to respond one way or another?

Early on, sex studies were biased toward people willing to participate in a sex study. While that’s still somewhat true, the culture was more hush-hush about sex years back, so those who did volunteer tended to be more sexually inclined than the average. At times, those skewed samples made for skewed conclusions.

Not long ago, I saw a headline boasting that new research showed women were just as high drive as men. The study turned out to be a survey of visitors to an adultery site. Yep, these were men and women actively seeking sex with someone outside their marriage, so duh, they consider themselves higher drive. That’s not a good sample!

Chris Taylor also pointed out in our latest Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode that college students are easy-to-get study participants, so they are overrepresented in research. But studying the sex lives of college students won’t tell you all that much about the sex lives of couples married ten years or more.

Another common research sampling is whoever comes to your website. It can certainly be interesting and even useful to hear what my readers or another’s readers think about a topic, but that’s not a representative sample. So take those “I polled my readers and they said…” statements less as fact than as food for thought.

Basically, anytime research conclusions are cited, one question should be: Who did they study? Some researchers do a great job of sampling, others not so much.

What are they selling?

I hate to be so cynical, but a number of research studies are financed by or connected with individuals or entities who would like you to buy their stuff.

For example, if a sex toy company commissions a study that shows vibrators are the number one way for women to climax, I have questions. Maybe the conclusion is accurate, or maybe there was heavy or light pressure to deliver a certain outcome.

It doesn’t even have to be intentional bias. Sometimes we’re just in inner rings where we’re influenced by friends and colleagues. We know the general thinking of the people we hobnob with, and we don’t really want to stray too far from that.

It’s just worth asking who financed the study, what entities are associated with the researchers, and whether the sale of any products or a person’s career advancement is impacted by the results.

How do you really study sex?

If I want to study the migration patterns of butterflies, or the efficacy of a prescription drug, or whether people prefer Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper, it’s pretty easy to imagine how one can do that objectively. But how does one really learn about sex between humans? Obviously, we don’t want to observe people doing it, so studies typically use self-report, exposure to sexual stimuli (like arousing images), and/or masturbation + physiological readings. But do those yield accurate results?

More importantly, do they tell us enough about the whole of the sexual experience?

• Imagine a wife who shows all the physiological signs of arousal, orgasm, and release. But throughout the experience, she feels guilty.
• Or take an elderly couple who can no longer complete penetration due to medical issues, yet they engage in lovemaking nearly every day.
• How about the husband who can become aroused easily and masturbate to climax, but struggles to reach that peak with his wife?

In each of these scenarios, a study might draw the wrong conclusion. How do you design research that captures the complexity of sexual intimacy between husband and wife?

Well, you don’t. Rather, you take a piece here and a piece there and put them together to highlight important aspects of the sexual relationship. And underneath that, you need a foundation of understanding God’s design for sex in marriage.

Believe me, I’m fascinated by sex research. I’ve written about it here, here, and here. But no study expresses the depth of your sexual experience and your spouse’s and how those come together to form your current situation. We should use discernment when considering takeaways from research about sexual intimacy, looking at the purpose, sampling, and more. We should prioritize what God says about sexual intimacy above any specific research finding, for He is the one who created sex and knows what it is supposed to look like.

And oftentimes, the best sex research we can conduct is in our own bedroom, with our own beloved, studying one another and figuring out how to nurture a physical, emotional, and even spiritual connection there.

The post The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

A caveat about sex research.

But when looking at any sex research, we should ask a few questions:

• What was the purpose of the study? Sometimes, a study is designed in such a way as to deliver the very answer the researchers wanted to get. But more often, it’s a question of what narrow topic they were covering and not applying the results beyond their focus.
• What methods were used? For example, it’s worth noting who was in the study, was it self-report or observation, how were results compiled and analyzed for takeaways. How accurate the answers are depends on how you ask the question.
• Do the results align with God’s plan? No matter what research shows or doesn’t show, our priority as believers is to ask how our lives and sex lives can honor God. One example is prioritizing what creates intimacy between a couple over what provides short-term pleasure for an individual.

My overall point being that if you see a headline like 50% OF WOMEN WANT MORE BONDAGE IN THE BEDROOM (totally made up, solely for the purpose of illustration), don’t just buy that as true! They might have used a skewed sample—like those who purchased BDSM toys from a sex shop or members of a sexual fantasies forum. They might have counted “I want more bondage” as anything from doubling down on hard-core kink to “I might be willing to try a silk tie around my wrists.” And they might not be reporting that 40% wanted less bondage, or whatever.

Headlines about studies are written like everything else these days: click-bait. Do diligence on your end, and I’ll try to sort out what’s worth looking to as well. But let’s not take any one finding as definitive or let go of our main purpose—to honor God and our spouse in our sexual intimacy.

With all that upfront, let’s look at 4 curious research findings about sex!

Is night-time the right time?

If I had a dollar for every time a spouse said to me, “I thought we were going to have sex, but by the time we got to bed, I (or s/he) was too tired,” I’d be writing this post from my French chateau while sipping my Bordeaux.

But is night-time the only time? Or the right time? Many couples would do better with intimacy if they stopped putting sex last on the list of to-dos or only thought about it at all when they crawled into bed and felt too exhausted to move.

Research has shown that morning is the best time for many couples to make love. One study went so far as to say that 7:30 am was the best go-time. Why? Because that’s when energy levels peaked. More specifically, that happens about 45 minutes after you wake up. So if you’re more like me—a night owl who rarely goes to sleep before midnight—adjust your schedule accordingly.

But the benefits of morning lovemaking include:

• More energy for sex
• Lowered stress levels throughout the day
• Release of oxytocin, making you feel more bonded to your spouse the remainder of the day
• Better sleep the following night

Does it have to be morning? No. But I can vouch that sexual frequency and satisfaction in my own marriage improved when we got creative about when to have sex—making the most of late afternoons, early evenings, and daytime on weekends, as well as mornings now and again.

Are your walls the right color?

A 2016 study for Travelodge surveyed 2000 homes in the United Kingdom about wall color and bedroom habits. Mostly, they wanted to know what wall colors were most conducive to sleep (answer: blue), but they also asked about lovemaking.

Researchers found that a caramel color was most correlated to sexual frequency. Those couples had sex an average of about 3 times a week. Meanwhile, those with red walls got it on about once a week.

Now there’s always a chicken-egg question with research like this: Do the caramel walls promote frequent sex, or are people who have frequent sex more likely to paint their walls caramel? Who knows. One theory, however, is that caramel reminds us of chocolate, a natural aphrodisiac.

Oh, and the research also found that silver walls correlated with more online shopping and less sleep.

Anyway, if you need to save money, get more snooze time, and/or up your love game, maybe take out your paint roller this weekend?

Maybe it’s not so bad to “earn it” a little?

Having been the higher desire spouse in my marriage for some years, this title particularly caught my eye: Study: Men underestimate how much their wives and girlfriends want sex. But that was nothing compared to what the study found, specifically:

On days when men underestimated their female partners’ libido, the women showed higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

This suggests that, whether consciously or not, men might be better partners when they think they have to work for it—in other words, a man will try harder to please his female partner if he thinks she’s not responding to his advances, which keeps him from taking the relationship for granted and getting lazy.

Whoa. “Work for it”? A fair number of gents who read this blog have decried how unfair it is to feel that they have to work for sex—that it’s So Much Effort to get her to want and enjoy sexual intimacy, when it should come more naturally, easily, satisfactorily.

But you know what? I’m not sure it’s so bad for us to have to earn it a little. Not in the Sisyphus Pushing His Rock Up a Hill way, where the effort is hardly worth the reward! Indeed, I’ve written about being your husband’s sure thing. But in the Let’s Not Take Each Other for Granted way.

If you replace the word “work”—which has a negative connotation for some—with “effort,” then yeah, sexual intimacy requires effort. And perhaps more effort for husbands overall, since the more typical situation is the wife having a responsive drive. (Though, as I said before, plenty of us wives have the spontaneous drive.)

That effort might look like wooing, helping her around the house so she can have a freer mindset, or additional time for her arousal, but pleasing your spouse is a worthwhile effort regardless. And perhaps even more sex if it leads to more sex and better relationship satisfaction.

Don’t underestimate interest or hope.

Actually, let’s backtrack to the same study, but a different finding—that men tend to underestimate how often their mate wants sex. I’m well-aware that some spouses don’t seem to want sex at all, and if that’s your case, then (1) I’m sorry, that stinks, and (2) you might want to check out my sexless marriage posts.

But I’ve come believe that most marriages that have a discrepancy of sexual interest actually have a discrepancy in perception of sexual interest. A lower drive spouse may be more interested in sex than you think, but:

• It’s more time and effort for them to become aroused or satisfied, so the cost-benefit analysis plays into how often engage.
• They have sexual baggage they wish wasn’t there, but it is and it’s frightening to admit, confront, or process through it to get to the other side.
• Just the issue of sex has become unpleasant in their marriage, so they avoid not only sex but addressing the challenges they face.
• They worry something is wrong with them—the attractiveness of their body, their lack of drive, their inability to perform, etc. Also scary.
• Based on prior teaching or experience, they feel guilty, incompetent, or broken when they have sex.
• The marital relationship isn’t what they long for, so they can’t or don’t want to be vulnerable in the bedroom.

Those are just some options, but the point is that your spouse might want sex more than you believe—if the obstacles could be pushed away, leaving only their desire for physical intimacy.

Hey, I’ve heard from plenty of LD spouses that they want to want sex. That is, it’s not a priority right now, but they’re interested in physical intimacy with their mate overall. That should provide a lot of marriages some hope and desire to work through the problems, whatever they are.

Hope one or more of these research findings helps your marriages! And remember, the best research you can do involves reading God’s Word and studying your own spouse.

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