Some believe that Christian marital intimacy speakers and writers overemphasize sexuality in marriage. It can seem at times that we are obsessed with sex.

When you write about this area of marriage, you do think about sex a lot. You hear people’s stories, contemplate topics, and research the subject in secular sources and the Bible.

Yet while I often consider the broad topic and specific issues about sexuality, my own married sex life doesn’t get nearly as much contemplation. Sure, I anticipate it, flirt with my husband about it, remember special times we made love, and engage in beautiful intimacy with my man. But I’m not obsessed.

Why? Well, in Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis made the analogy of food to sex—to convey how those obsessed with food or sex are either terribly hungry or overly indulged. He said, “Starving men may think much about food, but so do gluttons; the gorged, as well as the famished, like titillations.”

Let’s break down Dr. Lewis’s descriptions more.

Starved

Have you ever had to go without food for a period of time? Maybe you were stuck in meetings all day or had to fast for bloodwork or didn’t have anything more than an apple and expired milk in your fridge. (Live on the edge, drink the milk!) Go without food for a while, and you will not be able to ignore the fact that you are desperately hungry!

Even worse is when you’re in the presence of delicious food and can’t have any. This is why hangry dieters absolutely hate watching their super-thin friend eating chocolate éclairs. When you’re really hungry, the presence of food in your midst is like dangling a million bucks in front of a poor person.

I believe the same happens in marriages where one spouse is around the person they love and yet are unable to sate their intimate desire for that person. The lack of what you need and want is on your mind because you cannot scratch that itch often enough, or in some sad cases ever, so your mind turns its attention to that aspect. The spouse who desires physical intimacy and doesn’t get it anywhere near enough can become obsessed with sex, even pleading or begging their mate to engage.

Because they are sex-starved! It’s no wonder that sex is seemingly always on their mind.

Saturated

On the other hand, how many of you could work at Godiva Chocolatier and not want to taste-test every single truffle? Or stay thin while working in a bakery? When you place yourself in a saturated environment, you’ll think long and often about your surroundings.

It’s easy to obsess about sex when you metaphorically line the walls with it—which includes looking at porn, reading erotica, shopping at certain sex stores, etc. You may be having sex with your spouse (yummy truffle), but it may not feel like enough.

The secular world makes this particularly difficult to manage. Music, movies and TV, magazines and newspapers, and even our conversations are inundated with sexuality. With so many ways to partake, it’s easy to fall victim to indulgence.

One can become so obsessed with having more sex, better sex, and even riskier sex, that the person with whom they are engaging is little more than cheesecake on a plate to satisfy a sweet tooth. The sex-saturated don’t feel that they’ve had enough, or maybe that they are enough, because their attention is rapt by sex itself and not by intimacy with their mate.

Satisfied

When the physical intimacy in marriage is healthy, you don’t need to obsess about sex. It’s there when you need and want it, and if it isn’t available at the moment, it won’t be long before you have a taste of it again. Moreover, the sexuality between a couple isn’t the focus of their relationship, although it is still an important aspect.

(For a quick self-check, see Are You Having Enough Sex? – Kevin A. Thompson.)

Just as the body needs food, sleep, exercise, etc. to remain healthy, so a marriage needs emotional, spiritual, and relational intimacy in addition to physical intimacy. All aspects are important in keeping a marriage healthy.

Avoid starvation or saturation and find true satisfaction in marital sexuality.

Sure, I’m on this topic a lot, but I don’t think I’m personally obsessed. I’m like the person advocating for feeding the starving in a third-world country or your personal trainer batting away that Hershey bar and telling you to get on the treadmill already. I’d like to see more of us here in category number three: sex-satisfied.

Are you starved, saturated, or satisfied? What can you personally do to adjust your attitude and marital intimacy to be in the satisfied category?

[This article was originally published on The Marriage Bed in 2013, but has been revised and updated.)

The post Do You Think About Sex Too Much? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I’ve been hearing more and more from spouses refused sex for a long time in their marriage. They are understandably disheartened and frustrated, but some are also angry.

Not just angry with their spouses, but angry with me and other Christians for letting their spouse off the hook. What they seem to want is the full force of Christendom, or at least a fair number of Christian marriage bloggers, to insist their spouse owes them sex.

First, let me say that if you are in a marriage that is abusive or emotionally destructive, lack of sex is not the problem. The good and godly thing to do is to address the abuse! Please go read Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage? instead.

For the rest of us, let’s consider: Do marriage vows infer an obligation to have sex? Does your spouse have a duty to say yes to your sexual advances? Are you owed sex in marriage?

Here’s the “marital duty” passage.

Most proof-texters open up their Bibles and turn to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to demonstrate that yes, we have a duty in marriage to have sex.

Just in case you haven’t read this passage nearly enough on my blog (I sure have!), here it is:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5, NIV

But that passage wasn’t written in the context of one spouse withholding sex from another and Paul intervening with marriage counseling.

Rather, it was a theological question for the Corinthian Church, where some had begun to believe that sex itself was unspiritual and should be avoided even in marriage.

The apostle Paul answers that sex is good and should be a regular part of marriage; in fact, if you feel you must avoid it focus for a period of time solely on spiritual things, make sure your abstinence is agreed to by your spouse and short-lived.

Paul is not addressing in this passage specific obstacles to lovemaking tonight or tomorrow or even next week, but the way marriage is supposed to function generally.

Sex should be part of marriage.

Even without 1 Corinthians, however, we’d know that marriage is supposed to include sex. It’s in a whole lot of other places in the Bible. Here’s just a sampling!

• Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” How are you united? Not only in partnership to live life—which you could do with a friend—but physically.
• Genesis 29:21: “Then Jacob said to Laban, ‘Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.'” Get married –> make love. Not only that, when Laban deceived Jacob and gave him Leah instead, what did Jacob do? We may think this is awful in our non-polygamous culture, but he made love to Leah. Why? Because it was understood that taking a marriage covenant involved physical intimacy.
• Proverbs 5:15, 18-19: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” A father is giving his son advice here, saying, “Have sex with your wife, and your wife only, for the rest of your life.”
• 1 Samuel 1:19: “Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her.” Despite Hannah being unable to conceive, they’re still getting busy. Why? Married.
• Luke 1:18: “Zechariah asked the angel, ‘How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years.'” When told by an angel that Zechariah and Elizabeth will have a son (John the Baptist), Zechariah doesn’t say, “But we don’t have sex anymore.” Despite infertility and age, it seems they were still sexually active.
• Song of Songs. The whole book. The fact the book is even in the Bible.

Basically, every time you have a married couple in Scripture, they are expected to have sex, and not just for procreation. Marriage is a covenant relationship that God designed to include lovemaking.

Marriage is a covenant relationship that God designed to include lovemaking. via @hotholyhumorous
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So you’re owed. Now what?

Or maybe instead of “now what?” I should have said, “So what?” Because I’ve witnessed many spouses camp out on this concept that they are owed sex in marriage. They get upset that I won’t just tell their spouse to have sex with them already. Instead, I address reasons why a spouse doesn’t want sex and suggest tips for getting your lower drive spouse to say yes to sex.

Why? Because I believe it’s not only the ends that matter, but the means. And so does God. Even with a covenant debt as important as sex in marriage.

Let’s imagine the sex you’re owed is an invoice to your spouse.

Now, how are you going to get your spouse to pay up?

I can say with 100% certainty that your spouse owing you sex will not get you sex. Just shoving an invoice in someone’s face is no guarantee they’ll pay.

How you try to collect this debt matters not only in whether you reach your goal of more sexual intimacy, but also in whether you make your marriage worse or better and whether you become a worse or better person.

What kind of debt collector are you?

Have you ever had to deal with debt collectors? I have.

Some debt collectors are wholly intent on the amount you owe and getting paid any way possible. Others are willing to negotiate to collect what’s possible for you to pay. Still others take the approach of “let me see how I can help you with this issue.” Which collector would you like to encounter?

I can tell you that the harassers’ calls are the ones most likely to be ignored or actively avoided.

You won’t get paid in the way you want if you take a Guido’s Goons approach to your spouse’s debt of sex to you. Plus, in the process, you turn into a bully. And believe me, even if you haven’t said it aloud, when you’ve soaked in resentment, it seeps out in interactions with your spouse.

With that in mind, ask how your spouse views your attempts to collect the sex debt. Are you a harasser or a helper?

What if your spouse really could pay?

We’ve all seen those news stories where someone is knee-deep in debt while living in a mansion and vacationing on a yacht. Such people could pay what they owe; they just don’t. Their priorities are way wrong.

Plenty of you view your spouse’s withholding the same way.

Some of you are correct.

Many more of you are incorrect.

Most of the time, a spouse withholds sex for what seems like a good reason to them. They aren’t “yachting” with their sex life elsewhere. They really, truly feel they have little or nothing to give in the sexual arena.

Yes, I know you’re hurting, but so are they. And that is why I have become ultra-focused on helping spouses figure out why a spouse is refusing sex and showing them how to address the baggage and the barriers.

Consider it the difference between taking someone’s last dollar and setting them up to make enough money. When someone is flush with cash and they care about you a great deal, then you can say, “Hey, can I have a dollar?” and they’ll say, “Sure” and hand it right over. It’s easier to pay a debt and even be generous when you have more than enough to give.

Debts in a healthy marriage get paid.

Imagine this scenario: Husband and wife are both aware and appreciative of how God created them as sexual beings. They enjoy their physical intimacy, but also the companionship, the flirting, the sensuality, and the generosity that all lead up to those special moments in bed.

One night, as they’re cleaning up the kitchen together, she leans back against his chest and says, “According to our marital contract, you owe me some sex, handsome.” He pulls her close and whispers, “Ready to fulfill my marital duty, gorgeous.”

Despite the words “owe” and “duty,” would you find that banter troublesome? I wouldn’t. These spouses understand the marriage covenant includes sex, but their exchange is surrounded with respect, honor, and love.

Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.

Romans 13:7-8

Although this passage is about how to treat governing authorities, there’s a principle here: The debt we most owe one another is love.

When we focus in on being owed sex to the exclusion of other callings about how we should treat one another, then we’re missing what matters to God.

When we focus in on being owed sex to the exclusion of other callings about how we are to treat one another, then we're missing what matters to God. @hotholyhumorous
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Yes, marriage should include sex. If it’s not happening, it should be a priority to figure out why and address those issues. But while working on our frustrating lack of sex, we also owe our spouses respect, honor, and love.

From a practical standpoint, that approach is far more likely to work anyway.

What’s the upshot?

The upshot is that marriage involves a debt of sexual intimacy. But you are not the one who should demand payment. God is the ultimate creditor.

The more you can come alongside your spouse, figure out the issues, and help your beloved fill their coffers, the better a person you will be, the better your marriage is likely to become, and the better chance you’ll have that your sex life will turn around.

Also see my post Does Your Wife Owe You Sex? on KHS Ministry.

The post Are You Owed Sex in Marriage? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Actually, I do convey to lower interest spouses that they should have sex with their higher interest mates. I wholeheartedly believe that sex is good for a marriage, a gift from God that expresses and fosters intimacy.

But I have received numerous messages over the years—primarily from men but not entirely—complaining that Christian bloggers, authors, speakers, ministers, and counselors cater to the lower interest spouse, letting them off the hook for their sexual refusal. Why, they ask, don’t we tell their spouse to have sex with them already?! Why is everything on the higher interest spouse to figure it out and draw the lower interest spouse into doing what they should have been doing all along?

I hear the hurt. I know the hurt. But I understand that many tactics to change the situation not only won’t work but can make things worse. Let’s look at six answers to why I won’t just tell your spouse to have sex with you.

1. There’s a reason your spouse won’t have sex with you.

Most spouses are not ill-willed jerks who don’t want their spouse to have the intimacy they deserve. Rather, they genuinely don’t understand its importance and/or have their own hangups. Their obstacles could involve anything from bad teaching, to past sexual harassment or abuse, to relationship strife, to health challenges, and many more.

So just telling them to have sex already would be like telling someone to run a race when they don’t see the point of running or have severe asthma. Wouldn’t it be more effective to resolve the issues keeping them from running and then invite them to race?

2. Pressure can backfire or build resentment.

Those of us in marriage ministry receive heartbreaking emails. Among them are stories from spouses feeling enormous pressure to have sex despite good personal or relationship reasons to hold off. Sex is not a positive for them (right now), and then someone says they have to do it anyway because it’s their biblical duty, or men need sex, or it will keep a spouse from cheating, or whatever.

Let’s go back to my race analogy. When I was a young student in gym class, I struggled to run long distances. Most of the time, teachers and coaches believed the problem was my lack of stamina or poor attitude and simply yelled louder at me to keep running. Turns out, I had mild, undiagnosed asthma. I finished my laps back then, but I hated every one of them and rarely run now.

That can happen to spouses with unresolved issues who schlep themselves to the bedroom anyway. They end up disliking sex even more and resenting the person (spouse) who forced them into that experience. That isn’t the outcome you want, and it could break your whole relationship.

Spouses with unresolved issues who schlep themselves to the bedroom anyway…end up disliking sex even more and resenting the person (spouse) who forced them into that experience. @hotholyhumorous
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3. God may be trying to teach you something.

Sometimes, sexual refusal is a natural consequence of the rejected spouse’s actions. For example, some spouses want their mate to play out scenarios seen in porn, or neglect their mate until they want sex, or pursue sex that’s brief or coarse and only for his pleasure, etc.

In such cases, not only is frequency of sex not the real problem, increasing frequency could embolden a spouse to keep hurting their mate. After all, they’re having their cake and eating it too.

Look, I don’t want to enable sin—neither the sin of ongoing sexual rejection nor the mistreatment of one’s spouse to get sex. Which is why I have spent nearly 10 years and millions of words trying to persuade spouses to treat one another well, to work through their problems together, and to find unity, mutual pleasure, and intimacy in the marriage bed.

Perhaps you’re not sinning as egregiously as any of my examples, but this could still be a wake-up call for you and your marriage. Before pointing fingers at our spouse, we should ask what God wants to teach us, and then let him do His work.

4. You’re the one reading my blog.

If my posts focused on telling lower interest spouses they needed to stop withholding and start having sex, I’d get a lot of kudos from certain readers. They would feel affirmed, vindicated, justified.

But how would that ultimately help? Yes, I recognize your hurt, ache for your pain, and have made it clear that sex should be happening in your marriage far more. Yet telling your spouse to just have sex with you isn’t going to resolve your issues, because your spouse isn’t reading my blog.

Many of them won’t read my blog—because it’s been presented as part of a pressure campaign or because they have underlying issues that make them reluctant to read such material. Moreover, it’s unlikely that a blog post from a stranger writing about a topic they don’t want to address will be the epiphany moment that gets them to change.

Meanwhile, you’re reading my blog, and you have more clout with your spouse. (After all, you once convinced them to marry you!) Maybe I can provide insight, encouragement, practical ideas, resources, etc. that help you persuade your beloved, and help you hold on until that breakthrough comes.

5. Duty sex won’t fill your emotional need.

A friend once explained that the longer he goes without sex, the more physical his desire feels. It becomes a raw hunger for his wife that longs to be sated. That’s where a number of rejected spouses are—yearning for physical closeness, a release of tension, and the surge of pleasure.

You’re like a starving person, and any food sounds like a fantastic idea. If offered spam, you’d take it.

But imagine a diet of spam. Every single time you sat down to eat, it was spam. Very soon, you would not be sated. You’d long for something more, something better.

Duty sex is spam. (If you like spam, substitute some other don’t-like-it food into this analogy.) You, your spouse, and your marriage deserve the full menu of sexual intimacy, the one that sates not only your nether regions but your mind, your heart, and your relationship. You may think any sex will satisfy, but it won’t.

And if it satisfies you long-term to use your spouse for sex, then you are not a loving spouse. Scroll back up and read about God wanting to teach you something.

6. I want you to have the sexual intimacy you deserve.

Demanding your spouse have sex with you might get you laid tonight (unlikely, but let’s presume for the sake of argument), but it will undermine the ultimate goal of sex in marriage by God’s design. The sexual intimacy you and your spouse deserve is mutually satisfying and strengthens your unity.

The sexual intimacy you and your spouse deserve is mutually satisfying and strengthens your unity. @hotholyhumorous
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Again, if you’re in a sexless marriage, please know that I ache for your situation. It’s not good, it’s not right, it’s not sustainable. But because I want the best for you, and your spouse, I’m not going to take the short-term or harsh view of just telling someone who doesn’t want sex to “lie back and think of England.” Rather, I want that person to want sex as God intended, for all of its many benefits and for its own delight.

Marriages do turn around in this area. It happens. Thankfully, I get those emails too!

But it usually isn’t the flip of a switch. Rather, it’s a journey. The path depends on your particular situation, but God wants better for you. I want better for you.

And so, I’ll keep encouraging spouses to prioritize sex, address obstacles in the way, embrace God’s design, and invite one another lovingly into the bedroom, step by step.

The post Why I Won’t Just Tell Your Spouse to Have Sex with You Already appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Q&A with J: “My Sexless Marriage Is Making Me Lose My Faith in God”
Is the Church Failing Sexless Marriages?
Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 1
Q&A with J: How Do I Write a Post that Helps Sexless Marriages?
A Prayer for Those in Sexless Marriages
Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 2
Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 3

Today, as promised, I’m providing some concrete steps of what to do to address the issue of sexlessness in your marriage. But I encourage to look back at the above posts to make sure you’re laying a foundation of trust and avoiding negative communication styles that could undermine your efforts.

And let’s return to this gem: Love must underlie all your efforts. Without genuine love for your spouse, it’s all for nothing.

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1-13).

If you do all the right things but your spouse feels manipulated, that won’t help your marriage.

If you do all the right things but your spouse feels manipulated, that won't help your marriage.
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Sure, your spouse might comply out of guilt or the seeming futility of arguing, but that short-term win will damage your relationship over the long-term. Not to mention that God isn’t impressed with a spouse getting more frequent sex merely to satisfy his or her selfishness; that’s just not the picture of sex in marriage our Creator paints. Rather, it’s one of shared, mutually satisfying intimacy.

Some of you are likely saying, “I don’t care how begrudging the sex is right now; I just need some sex.” Oh, how I ache for you! But I stand by the belief that it’s worth pursuing higher, long-term goals so that you and your spouse can have the physical blessings God wants you both to have.

So what can you do? Let’s talk about steps for addressing a sexless marriage.

Set reasonable goals.

According to the popular SMART acronym, goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Your goal, I presume, is specifically to have more sex which is measurable by a certain number of encounters per week or month. But the third and fourth criteria, which overlap, are tricky. Because what’s currently achievable and relevant probably isn’t what you ultimately want. It may be far less than you want.

However, if your wife’s issue is that she endured sexual assault in her past, she isn’t going to suddenly switch her emotions and start jumping your bones the moment you walk through the door. That’s not achievable. Nor is it reasonable to expect a mom of four little ones to clear her calendar for a long night of lovemaking twice a week when she’s exhausted and can barely stand the thought of being touched by any more hands. (Trust me, that’s a thing.) And the husband who stopped having sex because his libido tanked with his high-stress job and decreased testosterone with age won’t simply rediscover his mojo buried somewhere under the bedroom pillow.

So write out your ultimate objective, but then break it down into smaller steps. If you find out that you two can leapfrog a couple of steps, great. But by setting goals that are baby steps forward, achieving each one will show you’re making progress and encourage you both to continue. Here’s an example I put together:

You could break this into even smaller steps, but maybe this gives you an idea of how to approach such a task.

Start a conversation.

Notice I said start, not have. Few of us are convinced from a single discussion to change our minds, hearts, attitudes about any subject. So why do we keep thinking we can launch into one conversation with our spouse and achieve a major breakthrough? I’m betting 99.9% of you will need to have multiple talks about the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

I’ve learned a lot about effective conversations from my parenting successes and failures. Those areas in which I’ve influenced my teens the most are ones where I opened up communication lines and slowly, albeit intentionally, got my message across. I didn’t push my opinion, but I did let them know where I stood. Then I asked what they thought, and I listened. When their perspectives seemed skewed, I calmly gave my two cents without expecting them to immediately see things my way. But when I’ve tried to control their conclusion in a single conversation? Yeah, that’s where I’ve fallen on my face. Most people don’t want to be told what to do, much less what to think.

Likewise, take an easy, multiple-conversation approach to your spouse with this sensitive subject. Start the conversation by letting them know that you want to be able to discuss issues freely and supportively in marriage, whether it’s finances or annoying habits or your sex lives. Don’t push much beyond that in your first go-round. Just get across that you intend to do whatever you can to provide a safe atmosphere for the two of you to work together to increase all forms of intimacy in your marriage.

Later you can follow-up with a “Have you thought about what I said?” and/or “Is there anything you wish I understood about your sexuality?” And yeah, listen and don’t expect a ten-second miracle. Miracles do happen, but oftentimes we forget how many steps the Israelites took to reach the Red Sea that God parted for them.

Invest in your friendship.

We’re far more likely to do things for people we like — including listen to their concerns, help them solve issues, and spend time together. But let’s face it: In some marriages, the spouses love each other, but they don’t much like each other. Is it any surprise then when sex doesn’t happen?

If you’ve neglected your emotional and recreational intimacy, it’s time to revive that part of your marriage. Do it because it’s a good and right thing to pursue, but you may well reap the benefit of better communication and progress with your sexual intimacy.

Think about what activities your spouse enjoys and make them happen. Show interest in their hobbies. Listen to their stories. Chuckle at that joke you’ve already heard eighty-seven times. Ask how you can help with their day. Engage in random acts of kindness, just because.

Again, don’t do it out of manipulation. Your spouse likely knows you well enough to sniff out ulterior motives like a hunting dog on a fox. This is when you’ll need to keep your own lines of communication open with the Heavenly Father, to stay on track with keeping a pure heart.

Woo your spouse like you did before.

Remember when you snagged that honey-bun of yours? All you did to capture their attention and adoration? Of course you can’t just pretend to be back on those falling-in-love days. In fact, half of your friends couldn’t stand how mushy you were back then, and it’s good that you’ve settled down into a more mature relationship with bills to pay, a home to maintain, and family to care for.

However, some of the ways in which we wooed each other could have hung around and benefited our marriage. I can’t say exactly what those things are because they vary from relationship to relationship. In my own marriage, we let dating fall by the wayside for too long after the kids came, and until a few years ago, we didn’t foster kissing nearly enough. Re-introducing such romantic connections helped us feel more connected and opened up more opportunities for sexual intimacy as well.

Ask yourself this question: What do I do regularly that makes my spouse feel special?

Not what do I do for my spouse, but what do I do that makes my particular spouse feel special. Some of you could write a page-long list of all the things you do for your spouse, but they don’t really speak love to your spouse. Figure out what actions make your spouse feel special and loved and then do them, regularly.

Set proper boundaries.

So far, you might be feeling like everything’s geared toward your spouse getting what they want and none toward you getting what you want. Well, here’s a rubber-meets-road statement: Your needs and desires matter just as much as theirs. Not more, mind you, but not less.

Some of you pursuing the steps I’ve laid out so far will get push-back that is simply unacceptable. It’s not okay for your spouse to call you a pervert because you want to have regular sex in your marriage. It’s not okay for your spouse to keep blaming you for past hurts you’ve apologized for and done everything to rectify. It’s not okay for your spouse to compare you to someone else who mistreated them. It’s not okay for your spouse to accuse you of egregious sins you haven’t committed. It’s not okay for your spouse to call you bad names.

Setting boundaries is the process by which you encourage the extinction of bad behavior. People tend to continue with bad behavior when it allows them to get what they want. Take away the payoff, and they’re less likely to repeat the behavior. However, where people get caught up in applying boundaries well is one of two areas:

1. You stop before the process has sufficient time to work. It takes time for the other person to recognize that things won’t return to their former state. Most people are likely to push even harder before finally accepting that a new normal has been set and adjusting themselves accordingly.
2. You start behaving badly yourself. Instead of setting a boundary, you launch a counterattack. Your message gets lost with the other person feeling like they have to defend or argue back. When using boundaries, you constantly need to check your emotions and remain calm.

What does a boundary look like? If your spouse calls you a pervert, it’s not: “I don’t have to put with that! I’m a completely normal husband who just wants to have sex with his wife.” Instead, it’s something like: “It hurts that you would call me a pervert when I just want to be intimate with my wife. I want to hear why you feel that way, but I reject that label.” And if your spouse continues on that trajectory, you end the conversation, calmly but firmly. “I really want to know why you feel like this so we can address it, but I just can’t stand here and let you call me names. We’ll have to talk later.” And then, you walk away.

But ack!I that means no progress happened, right? No, it doesn’t. It means you’ll need to take more time to establish communication guidelines to foster better conversations in the future. Remember — long-term view.

Offer to pursue outside help.

Let’s say your spouse is refusing because:

1. They have an issue they own (e.g., prior molestation, health problems, a porn addiction) that makes it difficult to have sex; or
2. Not feeling any real libido themselves, they see no point in pursuing sex in your marriage.

These scenarios cover the vast majority of sexless marriages. And both of them could benefit from outside help.

In the first case, you offer to move heaven and earth to help your spouse heal, emotionally and/or physically. You encourage your spouse not to give up on getting answers. You research the issue with them, making sure your sources are solid and biblical. You suggest a new doctor, a new treatment, a new support group, a new marriage counselor. You watch the kids while she goes to the support group. You have a garage sale to pay for his subscription to porn-blocking software. You make it clear that whatever outside help you (both) need, you’re all in. And you will not give up until you both experience the blessing of physical intimacy God intends for your marriage.

The second case is obviously harder. Because most such spouses just don’t understand how hurtful and isolating their refusal is. They don’t feel this need to have sex, and they can’t fathom why it’s such a big deal to you. It would be like someone trying to sell this South Texan a pair of snow tires. Why would I need that? Why would anybody need that?

You should still offer to get help — to speak with a counselor, a pastor, a mentor couple in your church. Tell your spouse you know this is an area of contention, but you’re willing to sit down with an external mediator and hear what they have to say. But here’s where you have to do your homework: Find out who will be sex and marriage positive. Don’t pick the first Christian counselor in the phone book, but ask around and see who’s got a good reputation for giving both spouses a fair shot in the counseling room. You don’t need someone just taking your side or just taking your spouse’s side, but rather someone who will listen to both of you and address the underlying issues so that you can find unity. Say to your pastor, “What do you think is going on with the sex lives of married people in our congregation?” and see how he responds. You can learn a lot that way.

Don’t try to stack the odds in your favor by speaking specifically about your situation and making sure that person’s on your side. Your spouse will likely learn about that and feel manipulated. (Because they were manipulated.)

Also, if your spouse thinks you need a help in some area, be willing to go get it for yourself. Indeed, some of you would benefit from saying to your spouse, “I want us to get marriage counseling, but if you don’t want to go, I’m going on my own. I need someone to talk to.” That alone will motivate some spouses to show up, if only to spout their side of the story. But if they don’t, you’ll still have someone to speak with who can help you get perspective and take active steps to help your marriage.

Call it quits?

That’s a question mark there, because it’s not what I advise, but something I get asked about often: Is it okay to leave my spouse if he/she refuses to have sex with me?

Is it okay to leave my spouse if he/she refuses to have sex with me?
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After a lot of thought on this one, I believe divorce likely is permitted when sexual refusal is deep-seated, persistent, and aggressive. But in such cases, they’re are usually many other problems in the marriage that make calling it quits an option.

But just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should do something. There could be good reasons to stay.

I’ve heard from several spouses who’ve said that as soon as the children are grown, they’re done with their spouse. Do you really think divorce won’t affect your adult children? My parents divorced when I was in my mid-twenties, and it still hurt. Moreover, the consequences of having two separate families where there had once been one continues. Look, my parents had good reasons to call it quits, but I just want you to understand that divorce isn’t an easy walk-away for anyone. Sometimes divorce is the best choice, the only choice, but sometimes we think it is when it isn’t. As difficult as it would be for you, it might be worth staying for the sake of your family and community as a whole.

Here’s another reason to stay: I’ve got several testimonies in my inbox from couples who rediscovered their sex life in later years and are so glad they didn’t throw in the towel. Sometimes a refusing spouse finally realizes the damage they’ve done and decides to turn things around. Or a libido awakens when the demands of parenting or a high-stress job fall away. You just don’t know how this is going to go, and shouldn’t you give everything of yourself to your marriage before walking away?

Stop being a jerk.

I added this last one, because I do hear from spouses (male and female) who are so harsh in the way they talk about their spouses that my initial reaction is, “Good gravy, who wants to sleep with that?” Frankly put, some of you aren’t getting laid because you’re acting like a jerk. So stop it.

Stop insulting your spouse publicly and privately. Stop looking only for people to agree that you’re getting a bum deal and be willing to seek real answers. Stop grousing about the unfairness of life, and deal with the hand you’ve been given. (Someone else who’s getting more sex has a different crappiness in their life. Trust me.) Stop being an unhappy person your spouse doesn’t want to be around. For more on this point, you might want to read Kevin A. Thompson’s excellent post, I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either.

And this is now the longest post I’ve ever written. If you stayed with me this long, I pray you found something helpful. Believe me, I’m pulling for you.

The post Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 4 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But let me go back and clarify something for those of you in the midst of a sexual drought in your marriage due to a refusing spouse: You’re in a terrible spot, and I ache for you. Likely you’ve tried everything you can think of to deal with the sexlessness in your marriage.

Some of the things refused spouses have tried:

• Opening up conversations about sexual intimacy, only to be shut down by their mate
• Trying to explain their level of desire, only to be accused of being obsessed with sex
• Expressing their emotional pain, only to have their feelings dismissed by their mate
• Working harder to meet their spouse’s emotional needs, only to have their own remain unappreciated or unacknowledged
• Praying for God to take away their libido, only to struggle more with frustration and loneliness
• Telling a marriage counselor about the sexlessness, only to have the issue tabled or being advised to deal with “more important things” first

It’s all very unfair. And I have no desire to add to the burden you already feel. Literally 100% of my ministry’s mission is to get marriages to embrace God’s design for sex in marriage — which includes frequent, meaningful encounters that satisfy both spouses.

However, here’s the difficulty I face in trying to help marriages like yours:

1. Your spouse isn’t reading my blog. Refused spouses rarely read up on biblical sexual intimacy until after they’re convicted that something needs to change.
2. Your spouse probably doesn’t understand the significance of sex. Yes, you’ve told them and they should get it, but what I’ve heard from spouse after spouse who eventually came around is they really, honestly didn’t understand what sex meant for their marriage.
3. Your spouse is likely reacting from a place of fear or insecurity. It may have nothing to do with you, and it may not even make sense based on their previous willingness to engage, but after talking to formerly refusing spouses, I also believe this to be true. Many spouses put up barriers to engaging in sex or talking about their lack of libido out of self-protection.
4. Your spouse isn’t likely to change unless and until you do. Whatever else Dr. Phil did or didn’t do, he gave us this gem of a phrase: “How’s that working for you?” Meaning that if what you’ve been doing hasn’t resulted in sufficient progress, it’s time to try something else.

So are you willing to try a different path and see if you can break through? I make no guarantees, but after looking at this issue from every which way I can think of, hearing others’ stories, praying for wisdom, studying the Bible, and culling through relevant research … I believe the place from which change can begin is a renewed bond of trust.

I believe the place from which change can begin is a renewed bond of trust. #marriage
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If your spouse trusts you, he/she is far more likely to listen to your concerns, express their own fears and insecurities, and be willing to work on sexual intimacy — because they trust that you have their best interests at heart.

Yet when the Bible talks about trust, it primarily focuses on our need to trust God. There are few Bible verses about trusting others, but several actually warn against trusting others:

• “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans” (Psalm 118:8).
• “Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save” (Psalm 146:3).
• “Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?” (Isaiah 2:22).

Based on those verses, I have a lot of nerve suggesting spouses should trust each other. But while we’re often commanded to trust in God, the Bible doesn’t command us to trust but instead to be trustworthy. That is, it’s not “hey, go trust so-and-so” but rather “hey, be someone others can trust”:

• “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy” (Proverbs 12:22).
• “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2).
• “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much” (Luke 16:10).
• “In the same way, the women are to be worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything” (1 Timothy 3:11).

You see, we’re not commanded to trust people willy-nilly. Rather, God thinks it’s reasonable for us to discern whether someone is worthy of our trust.

And I’m going say this one without reservation: If your spouse is refusing sex and unwilling to even discuss the situation, he/she doesn’t trust you.

If your spouse is refusing sex and unwilling to even discuss the situation, he/she doesn't trust you.
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I’m not saying you deserve that! I’m not saying it comes from what you’ve done! It likely doesn’t. But right now, their fear and insecurity are bigger than their trust and willingness to be vulnerable. You’re going to have to build even more trust … by demonstrating (repeatedly) that you’re trustworthy.

How do you convince your refusing spouse that you’re trustworthy?

How do you convince your refusing spouse that you're trustworthy?
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I recently listened to an audiobook titled The Code of Trust, in which a former FBI agent lays out five principles he used to get informants to trust him and share relevant information without payment and sometimes at personal risk. As I listened, I realized that so much of what he recommended coincides with how Jesus showed us to treat others. Here are his five principles, along with a biblical viewpoint of each.

1. Suspend Your Ego. Let go of your own agenda, your own desires, and remind yourself that it’s not about you. If anything, it’s about them. When people believe someone else is pursuing their good, they don’t have to protect and defend themselves so much. They can let down their guard and just communicate. This is tough, because we’re automatically egocentric. We experience everything through our own perception, but if we can let of our egos and really prioritize the other person, it can open up the path for trust.

The Bible says we should “have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Philippians 2:5-8). Jesus said it this way to His apostles, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all” (Mark 9:35). Later, the apostle Paul adds, “No one should seek their own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:24).

2. Be Nonjudgmental. No one feels safe to express fears or insecurities when they expect criticism or contempt. Even if what your spouse feels seems utterly ridiculous to you, take it at face value and accept that it’s true for them. It’s not where you want to end up, but it makes sense from their context. Treat them with the same non-judgment you’d like to have for your feelings about sex.

Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2). That doesn’t mean that we don’t use discernment about what’s right and wrong, or we don’t set boundaries, because other scriptures cover that. But it does mean that we don’t approach others with a judgmental attitude.

3. Honor Reason. What the author means here is to stick to reason rather than reaction as you interact. We tend to let our emotions get caught up in an issue as personal as sexual intimacy, and from a place of hurt, it’s easy to lash out — even with something as subtle as body language. (The issue my family has identified for me is vocal tone.) But try not to let emotion rule, and instead focus on listening to your spouse and responding calmly to what they say.

James puts it this way: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20). And from Proverbs 25:28: “Like a city breached, without walls, is one who lacks self-control” (NRSV).

4. Validate Others. You don’t have to agree with your spouse’s point to validate the person who makes it. Just try to see things from their perspective and figure out why they might have arrived at the conclusion they reached. From the point of putting yourself in their shoes, you can probably validate their thoughts and feelings. Once you recognize where they’re coming from, you can better figure out where to go from here.

There are so many examples of how Christ met people they were. You can read story after story in the Gospels where Jesus tailored his message to the audience he faced, and by validating the person in front of him, He broke through their barriers. See His interaction with the Samaritan Woman and Zacchaeus for examples. The apostle Paul approached people this way as well: “Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some” (1 Corinthians 9:20-22).

5. Be Generous. Give more than you get. I’m not talking about all the stuff you’ve done to help or show love to your spouse (though that’s all well and good), but consider how your spouse could walk away from the conversation feeling they got something out of it, that you gave them something worthwhile. Depending on your circumstances, that could be anything from more time to talk while you listen to a specific promise to follow up with something they desire.

Proverbs 11:25 says: “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” Jesus sets a more challenging standard in Luke 6:30-35: “Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.” Of course your spouse isn’t your enemy, but when you’re at odds about your sex life, they can feel like an opponent. And surely your spouse deserves as well or better than an enemy anyway.

Now I don’t expect y’all to head off and start having incredibly effective conversations with your refusing spouse in which everything turns around in a moment. I wish that would happen, but since I choose to live in the Real World (when I’m not living in Crazy Town as referenced above), I don’t want to give false hope.

Rather this is what I’m suggesting: Spend the next week thinking about these principles. Do you agree or disagree with any of these being good for your marriage? Where have you fostered trust and where have you lost trust in your interactions around sexual intimacy? What would it take for your spouse to view you as entirely trustworthy?

If you want to know more about this Code of Trust, you can check out the book or listen to a podcast interview with the author aired on The Art of Manliness. And if you want to know more about trust generally, for heaven’s sake, pick up your Bible! Do your own study and see how Jesus fostered trust with people who came to believe in Him.

The post Q&A with J: “What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage?” Part 2 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.