Tag Archives: sexual climax

Q&A with J: He Wishes I Could Orgasm More

Today’s question is from a recently married wife.

Orgasms have always been difficult for me. I’ve probably had a dozen or so in nine months of daily sex. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying sex — far from it! I absolutely love, and get a lot of pleasure from, our intimate times. But while I can get up to, say, an 8 out of 10 on a scale of “Brushing Your Teeth” to “Screaming Orgasm,” it’s pretty rare for me to actually tip over the edge. But I’ve found that one of the surest ways to enjoy sex LESS and be LESS able to get there in the end is to worry about whether or not I’m going to get there in the end. I’m happy most of the time just to relax, have a good time naked with my awesome hot husband, and let things happen (or not) as they will. I’m confident that as we learn to care for each other even better sexually in the coming months and years of our marriage, it’ll get easier for me to have orgasms.

So what’s the issue, then, you may be asking? Well, it’s my sweet, selfless husband, who feels absolutely terrible about the fact that he has 20 orgasms for every one I have. He’s told me he feels selfish, and like it’s unfair. I keep insisting that I’m having an awesome time, that I love having sex with him, and that I need to relax and not spend the first 30 minutes of sex worried about the last 30 seconds. But he still feels anxious and disappointed and, I think, a bit like he’s letting me down or failing me.

What should I do? Should I start… I don’t know, recommending books to him on how to bring a woman to orgasm? Are there such things from a Christian perspective, or that at least aren’t all about impressing your latest partner? Or do I just keep plugging away with the encouragement? I know it’s a bit silly to be writing in for advice because my husband is just too focused on my pleasure (and I can hear the folks in the comments section rolling their eyes now, haha!), but I really don’t know how best to approach it.

Q&A with J: He Wishes I Could Orgasm More

I’m not rolling my eyes, because I can see how this could cause some issues in the marriage. Yes, of course it’s awesome that her husband wants her to experience the mind-shattering climaxes, but not having those every time makes him feel like she’s missing out and then she’s wondering why she can’t orgasm more and it makes sex this chasing-the-golden-ring event. When what they both want and should have is an intimate, exciting experience in the marriage bed.

Now I agree she’s not having enough orgasms for all that daily sex, but I’ll get to that a bit later. First, I want to deal with some other issues brought up.

Is it unfair? She says he feels selfish for having so many more climaxes and thinks it’s unfair. It’s pretty clear he’s not selfish, because he’s concerned about her pleasure. But I agree: It is a little unfair. I know plenty of wives who’ve felt this way when they saw how much easier it can be for many guys to become aroused and to reach the apex of pleasure.

However, even though orgasm can take a long time to figure out or even a long time to reach, we ladies can have multiples. And isn’t that a little unfair to the guys? Rather than comparing apples and oranges here, we should appreciate the benefits and drawbacks to the biology we each have. If she skips orgasms from time to time, but has multiples other times, it can even out. But even if it doesn’t, we’re not keeping score.

Why is he anxious? Beyond his obvious desire to pleasure his wife, why else would he feel anxiety? Look, guys partly judge their sexual performance by how great they make their wives feel. If he has a hard time getting her to orgasm, he might take it personally — like there’s something wrong with his sexual prowess. And I’ll be supremely honest here: Maybe he could improve and help her get there more often.

Now much of the time, not orgasming has more to do with the physiological, emotional, and mental factors she has to deal with to reach climax. However, the popular notion that just by virtue of being a guy, he’ll know exactly how to turn you on is just bunk. Our bodies are complex and varied in how they respond.

It doesn’t help that movies and novels make it seems like women almost always climax during sexual intercourse with their man, yet other methods are far more likely to get her there. Since orgasms are tied to stimulation of the clitoris, direct stimulation from manual play and oral sex are often easier ways for wives to reach the Big O.

You can suggest resources to him, but even better is you two seeking them out together. My book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, is directed at wives but has a lot of tips you can both put into practice. It also has a whole chapter on reaching orgasm, including those multiples I mentioned. I also recommend Lovemaking by Dan and Linda Wilson and Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.

But let him know you’re willing to explore and discover what feels especially pleasurable to your body. Not like an All Encompassing Mission, but a playful adventure of trying new things and sharpening your skills together. You want to become experts in one another’s unique bodies. And for that, the best sex classroom is your own marital bedroom.

The best sex classroom is your own marital bedroom. Click To Tweet

Why is he disappointed? I’m not sure about this husband, but I hear generally from hubbies that they get an extra kick of excitement when their wives climax. It really turns them on to see their wives turned on. It wouldn’t be a shocker, then, for this husband to long for her to orgasm more often. Why not watch her reach the peak and fly right over with a big smile on her face? It makes the whole sex experience even better for him.

However, climax isn’t the only indicator of how fabulous sex feels to us gals. Sure, I’m all for rock-the-bed-frame orgasms, but what you describe is what I and other wives have also felt: Sometimes we can be happy to “have a good time naked with my awesome hot husband.” There’s a lot to be said for the vulnerability, closeness, and general pleasure of having sex, even if climax doesn’t happen this time around.

How can you get him to understand? That’s a tougher question. I’ve had some success drawing analogies that my husband would understand. Like for the sports lover: “What if you started playing a game, but got rained out before it finished? Would you feel the whole thing was a waste of time, or would you appreciate the time you got to play?” Or for the video gamer: “Do you feel like you have to win every round you play? Or do you sometimes enjoy just playing for the sake of it?” Not sure those are great, but you get the idea. Come up with your own analogy that he might relate to.

Should you keep plugging away? Your actual question was: “Or do I just keep plugging away with the encouragement?” But I’d say yes to both: encouragement and plugging away (if you know what I mean, *wink*). You’re absolutely right that you don’t need the extra pressure of Must Climax This Time. Trying too hard to reach orgasm can prevent a wife from reaching orgasm.

Keep things light with encouragement that you love the experience, that you enjoy orgasms when they happen, and that you believe you can work together to make your peaks more frequent. Keep reminding him that you like the whole shebang, not just the she-goes-bang. But then plug away with the sexual experience! Help him make small adjustments with his hands or mouth or your angles during intercourse. Speak up for what feels good . . . and what feels even better.

Let’s face it: Your current sex-to-orgasm ratio could be improved. And since orgasm feels so incredibly awesome, why not have more of them? Check out the tips on getting there from my book, go slower with arousal and foreplay, and figure out what makes your body sing.

And yes, I think orgasms will get easier as you grow accustomed to one another’s bodies. After all, according to the famous 10,000-hour Rule, we need about 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to become experts at something. Sure enough, couples report more satisfying sex after a decade or two of being together. Thankfully, you have a lifetime together to get in all that great practice. Enjoy!

Q&A with J: “I Just Can’t Seem to Orgasm”

My Q&A with J feature has moved to Thursdays, giving me more time in the week to contemplate my response and answer. Today’s reader question is about one of our favorite topics (right, ladies?): orgasm.

We’ve been married for only 18 wonderful months, and have enjoyed the journey so far! But, I just can’t seem to orgasm. . . . I’m very body confident and pro sex, so I don’t think negative attitudes are what is holding me back. We have tried so many things to help me get there, and I often read blogs and Christian books to glean information. . . . When we make love it’s like I go up and up and up, and feel like I can’t possibly go any higher, but just can’t find what will help me tumble over the edge. It’s frustrating.

I know you encourage masturbation in these circumstances, to find out what works, but my husband closes up at the idea of me going solo, even if he were to be present. This is probably because I had an issue with masturbation when I was a sexually frustrated single woman. Because it was sin to me then, he has a hard time even accepting that it could be part of our marriage bed.

So I was wondering if you have any other ideas that might help, or are we just too green yet? Can I expect that with more time, trial and error and getting to know one another will eventually get me where I want to go?

Q&A with J: "I Just Can't Seem to Orgasm"

How many wives have experienced that annoyance of not getting all the way to orgasm? At times, that climax can feel as elusive as the answer to that one crossword puzzle clue you can’t solve. So how can you “tumble over the edge”?

I have stated before that wives who cannot seem to orgasm may want to explore their own bodies to see what works and to demonstrate to their husbands how to touch them. This is very different from pursuing solo masturbation as a habit, because it’s for information and intimacy between husband and wife. But that’s certainly not the only way to go about this, and given the reader’s history, I can understand not wanting to introduce this activity.

First, here are a few prior posts about orgasm:

Orgasm: If Only I Could O
3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm
What’s So Great about an Orgasm?
But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

And Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has a reference page for orgasm posts written by her and others. Reading those posts may help.

Ah, the frustration! I can’t help but think that one is issue is how hard we wives try. I understand that moment when you’re in the midst of making love and what your husband is doing is totally turning you on, and you think any minute now this is going to give me the kind of orgasm that deserves a standing ovation, and then . . . you’re waiting . . . you’re waiting . . . still waiting . . .

“Frustrating” is accurate. But here’s what happens to your body when you’re frustrated:

Throat closes
Stomach hardens
Chest tightens
Blood pressure rises
Head aches
Jaw hurts*

Does any of that sound sexy? No, not really. Of course, your body can tighten up and your blood pressure can rise when you’re in the midst of an amazing high, but most physiology of frustration runs counter to getting you fully to climax.

Which is why when you reach that why can’t I edge over?! moment, one help is to back off that ledge, breathe deeply, and focus merely on the sensations happening in your pleasure zones. This may take you to an earlier point so that you have to build back up again, but you’re more likely to reach orgasm if you can lean into those feelings rather than having them tighten you up.

But what about sex toys? I know exactly what some readers are thinking right now: Just grab a vibrator already and let the buzz do the job! And I know vibrators have helped wives who really struggle with orgasm to finally reach climax. I think there’s a place for such marital aids.

But honestly, the longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the less eager I am about sex toys. Maybe it’s because I watched this shift in our culture to sex being a purely physical experience, and then saw that perspective move in and take hold in some Christian circles. And while I’m 100% sold on sex being physically pleasurable (thank you, God!), if that’s our main focus, we’re missing out on God’s full design for sex in marriage.

There’s something valuable and sensual about using only the body parts God gave you to satisfy one another sexually. Not that it has to happen that way every time, but sex toys can shortcut the opportunity to really get to know our own body and our spouse’s body. Speaking for myself, I find it seriously sexy what my husband’s hand can do, but I wouldn’t be so impressed if a device with batteries did the same thing.

My point is simply that the ideal is to figure out together how to bring complete sexual satisfaction to one another without depending on outside frills. If the problem continues for a long time, however, I’d certainly look into marital aids as an option.

Practical tips. This wife says, “We have tried so many things to help me get there.” Since I don’t know what “so many things” includes, here’s a quick roundup of ideas:

Parts. Contact with his penis is the least easy way to reach orgasm. (Sorry, guys, it’s great — but I’m being honest here.) To reach that first, second, or maybe fifth orgasm, he should use his hands or his mouth.

Pacing. Take time with the build-up. This might feel like a slow-motion movie to a guy itching to get it on with his wife, but oftentimes it’s that first orgasm that’s hardest to reach. Once you know your bodies better, it can become a quicker process. Let your hubby know where to start and what you need, guiding the pacing with clear communication.

Pressure. The right pressure matters. Too hard, and you won’t feel good. Too soft, and you won’t feel. Help him know how much friction you’d like and whether he should press or stroke harder or softer. He’ll likely need to change the pacing as you go, so help him make adjustments.

Positions. Try lying on your back, lying on your stomach, straddling him, butterfly pose (knees cocked out, opening up access), on your knees, sitting on the edge of a chair, whatever you can think of. Despite all of us ladies having the same basic parts, our sensitivities are not the same, and some positions will give you more pleasure than others. See what works for you.

Clitoris. That’s what he’s aiming for. Make sure he starts elsewhere and gets you warmed up, but when it’s time to aim for the climax, he needs to be making pleasurable contact with that little knob of flesh between your urethral opening and your vagina.

Edging. I’ve been planning to write a whole post about this technique, so I’ll move that up in my queue and get to it soon. But edging in mutual sex is bringing your partner close to orgasm, slowing things down, and then bringing her back up again — a few times. This can increase the intensity so that when he finally follows through, it’s easier to reach orgasm.

He’s doing great. One last thing I want to mention: It’s frustrating for hubby too. The general message out there is that real men make their women hit the ceiling with orgasms every time. I have yet to see a rom-com or read a romance novel where the guy was a great lover but his woman didn’t climax. Which is frankly silly.

To husbands reading this, you’re a terrible lover if you aren’t trying. But if it’s a more of a challenge than you expected, hang in there and help her reach the height of pleasure that she, and you, deserve.

And for you wife, reassure your hubby that he’s doing great, that you’re in this together, and that you love that closeness with him. Of course, you want the orgasm and that should be a priority, but let your husband know he rocks your world in many ways.

What other ideas would you add for reaching orgasm?**

*From The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman & Becca Puglisi, a must-have book for fiction authors!

**You might want to check out my Comments Policy. Highly graphic comments or comments linking to questionable resources do not get approved.

3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage

I’m so thrilled today to have Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage on my blog! Julie is one of my favorite marriage bloggers and a fabulous friend. Let me tell you, folks: In real life, she’s just as wise, sincere, and funny as you see on the page.

And she’s writing about orgasm. I’m ready to read. How about you?

Okay, this one is for the ladies. (Feel free to tag along husbands. You might learn a few things too.)

I write about sexual intimacy in marriage, so obviously great orgasms are fairly high on my list of “All Things Married Couples Should Be Experiencing.” (The list exists only in my head, BUT if I ever wrote it out, “great orgasms” would be on it. No doubt.)

If you want a great orgasm, here are three tips: 

1. Let the Clitoris Fulfill Its Purpose!

Sounds like a motivational seminar, doesn’t it?! Can you picture the marketing materials for that?

Seriously, though, I think it would do marriages a world of good if married folks would remember the purpose of the clitoris. I will give you an analogy that might help with this point.

Imagine that someone handed you the keys to a brand new race car, took you out to racetrack and said, “Take her for a spin.”

Would you hop in that driver’s seat, start the engine and let loose at a top speed of 45 mph? Or would you drop that gas pedal and feel what it’s like to drive over 100 mph?

Yes, powerful pleasure of that sort is scary and exhilarating and intense — all at the same time! That’s true about sexual pleasure too. If you are apprehensive about it, it’s good to keep in mind that sexual pleasure for a wife is the clitoris’s one job description, bestowed on it from our Creator.

Try to skirt around this as much as we may, the truth is sexual pleasure is a beautiful gift from God for married couples. Appreciating intense sexual pleasure is kind of like appreciating that driving a race car at more than 100 mph feels different and better than driving it at 45 mph.

Even if you are not a car person, my guess is you still recognize that when race car creators envision a car, they never see it just hanging out at 45 mph. Oh, the tragedy of poor little race cars that never get to fulfill their purpose.
Poor little clitoris. Waiting to drench you in waves of sexual pleasure. Will you let it?

2. Get to Know Your Body.

Appreciating the general purpose of the clitoris is a good start, but not nearly as fabulous as understanding specifically what you personally need to feel sexually aroused. Tip number 2 is “get to know your body.”

I think most wives would agree that it can take our bodies a while to warm up to the idea of sex. For many of you, this means foreplay that involves plenty of caressing, kissing and connecting with your husband emotionally and physically as you lead up to making love.

Don’t assume your husband knows what turns you on. Show him. Tell him. Teach him.

And for that matter, don’t assume you even know what turns you on. I always find it ironic when people think that newlyweds have the best sex right from the start. You know who more likely is experiencing remarkable sexual pleasure? Married couples who have intentionally spent time learning each other’s bodies.

It’s okay to explore your body and to allow your husband to explore it. Intentional exploration and communication are bound to lead to somewhere profound. If there were road signs for this journey, “Great Orgasm Up Ahead” would be flashing in neon.

3. Lean into the Pleasure.

What. In. The. World. Does. That. Mean? Lean into the pleasure.

In simplest terms, when sexual pleasure builds, let your body feel it. Fall into it. Don’t shy away from it.

Honestly, I think this is one of the biggest stumbling blocks, especially for Christian wives. For some reason, we often associate intense sexual pleasure with sin. No wonder so many wives resist it or are scared of it.

Strive to walk in the truth, though. When you are enjoying sexual pleasure in an exclusive God-honoring sexual relationship with your husband, you are pleasing God, not disappointing Him.

So when you feel that sexual sensation that really can’t be put into words, focus on it and lean into it. Receive it for what it is and be grateful for it.

Not only is this good for you, but it’s good for your husband too. If he is like most husbands, he wants to see his wife in the grips of intense sexual pleasure. It turns him on to turn you on.

So, there you have it. 3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm. You didn’t even need to go to a motivational seminar. Or buy a race car.

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.

Beyond the Single Orgasm

Q&A

On Mondays, I have been answering questions I received from my Q&A with J at HHH post. If you have another one to pose, head over there and leave a comment. I will eventually get around to all of the inquiries.

Today’s questions are to-the-point and were asked by anonymous commenters.

1. The multiple orgasm myth – busted? true? Tips?

2. Any tips on how to arrive at orgasm at the same time?

Since both questions deal with orgasm, I’ll answer them in one post.

Now some of you wives may be asking yourself, “Multiple orgasm? Simultaneous orgasm? Good gracious, I’ll settle for ONE Big O!” If you have difficulty reaching climax, then I suggest you pop right over to my post on If Only I Could O.

I also recommend posts from To Love, Honor and Vacuum (Sheila Gregoire) – The Pleasure Center, Intimacy in Marriage (Julie Sibert) – Your Orgasm is Your Responsibility, Mostly, and Generous Husband (Paul Byerly) – Orgasmic Massage. There are other great resources, but I recall these in particular.

If you currently have orgasms and want to increase the intensity even more, multiples and simultaneous orgasm certainly do that. In particular, having multiple orgasms is enjoyable and delights your husband, while achieving climax together can be a breathtaking, intimate moment for the two of you. But the question is HOW?

Lest you think such a thing is impossible, I have heard several orgasm statistics for which I cannot find a legitimate source. For instance, presumably the world record for the most number of orgasms in an hour is 134. This “stat” makes me wonder several things: How was this measured? Why would any woman want to do this? Was she still alive at the end? The longest orgasm is purported to be 22 hours. Again, Who? Why? What is wrong with people? And there is a couple who wrote a book suggesting that you can have a one-hour orgasmReally? Is this necessary? Is it even wise? Who has the time?

Yet getting back to the real world where 2-4 orgasms per sexual experience are quite enough, thank you very much, and achieving a sexual high together would be a nice thing to do sometimes…here are some tips.

MULTIPLE ORGASMS

First of all, it isn’t a myth. Quite a few women experience multiple orgasms in a single sexual encounter.

The easiest orgasm to achieve is purely clitoral — meaning that your husband stimulates your clitoris to the point of intense pleasure and eventually that tension releases as a physical wave of spasms and a mental holy-shivers-that-feels-good recognition. You know you have had an orgasm when you feel your vagina squeeze and release and your eyes roll to the back of your head and fall onto your pillow. (You can pick them up and return them to your sockets later.) As you can see, I’m rather happy with God giving woman a clitoris, as it has no purpose whatsoever but to provide pleasure for the wife during sex. What a generous God we have!

But wives can also have a vaginal orgasm, which typically occurs with penetration. How can I describe that one? It feels less frenetic and deeper and may last longer. Some experts believe that the key factor for a vaginal orgasm is contact with the G-spot; I’m not sure that’s a must. The clitoris is still involved in this orgasm, however, because it receives indirect pressure through thrusting.

Given that not all orgasms are the same, not all multiple orgasms feel the same either. You may have more than one clitoral, a clitoral and a vaginal, more than one vaginal, or whatever. And they will feel different. In fact, clitoral orgasms range as well in their intensity, contractions, feeling of sparks or waves, etc. Which is awesome, ladies! We wives can experience a variety of orgasmic experiences; meanwhile, husbands report that their climaxes are fabulous but pretty straightforward.

As to HOW TO, here are my tips:

Slow, fast, climax, slow, fast, climax, etc. This is particularly true with clitoral orgasms. You can make it a loop. Typically, wives wants husbands to go slow for a while and then quicken the pace and increase the pressure. Once a wife has reached the pinnacle of pleasure and achieved orgasm, hubby needs to back down on the pace and pressure. He doesn’t need to start over, but since the wife has fallen down the hump in excitement level, she needs to be built up again to reach climax.

Think of it like a roller coaster. The ride inches slowly up to that first peak and then you go careening down the hill with a huge grin and a scream, and then the next hill comes. You have to get up that hill again, and you lose a little speed doing so. But then when you go down that second hill, you’re screaming again (Yippee! This is fun). It’s slow, fast, slow, fast — or, if you prefer, up, down, up, down.

Roller coaster

See? Doesn’t that look fun?! By Mazku at fi.wikipedia [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Clitoral stimulation, then vaginal. Even though a wife can have more than one vaginal orgasm, the clitoral is easier for most women to get to. So I suggest focusing on getting there first, and then having the husband enter. To get that second (or ninth, whatever your goal) orgasm, you can do a few things:

  • Play with sexual positioning. I’m not talking about some contortionist act — just tilt your hips, raise your legs, try woman-on-top, use the edge of the bed get into an angle that arouses you more or provides deeper penetration, etc.
  • Have him stimulate other areas of your body. If your breasts are erogenous zones or having him kiss your neck makes you go crazy, add that extra attention to see if that gets you over the brink.
  • Continue to stimulate the clitoris while hubby is inside. He can do this with his fingers or, if you are comfortable, you can do it yourself. In fact, most husbands are highly aroused to watch their wives touch themselves. However, you and hubby may wish for him to take charge of this as well. Whatever works for you.

You could also go for a succession of clitoral orgasms and wait on the intercourse longer. Make that decision together to see what you want to do.

If at first you don’t succeed… Seriously, don’t sweat this. Sex can be very enjoyable for a woman without an orgasm (a brownie). Sex with an orgasm is even better (dollop of ice cream). Sex with multiple orgasms is unnecessary, but rather nice (chocolate sauce). Believe me, if you don’t have Hershey’s syrup in your cabinet and offer me a brownie and ice cream, I’m still eating and enjoying every bite. You can enjoy it too.

Brownie w/ice cream & chocolate sauce

I know, I know. What’s with me and brownies?

If you don’t get wave after wave of awesome orgasm on your first (or fifth) try, keep making love! Try something a little different. Communicate. Experiment. Have fun with it. Ultimately, the best way to know what turns you on the most is not for me to draw a diagram or write an instruction manual, but for you and your husband to explore one another’s bodies and sexual responses.

SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM

Timing. It’s ALL about mastering the timing. If you can each reach climax, then you simply have to figure out who needs to hold off until the other spouse gets there. One spouse must come very close and then have patience while the other spouse gets very close, and then knock yourselves out. The ideal simultaneous orgasm is with penetration. It may be easier for some women to have a clitoral orgasm beforehand and then have their husband enter and bring them to climax again. Unlike the guys, we gals can handle a twofer and the first orgasm may in fact help get a wife to a sexual plateau where it isn’t that hard to shoot her up again into orgasmic pleasure.

Indeed, once you both get very close, one of you having an orgasm will likely help the other get there. That’s because the spasms of a wife’s orgasm provide pressure on her husband’s penis to bring about ejaculation; while the husband’s ejaculation will likely cause him to thrust deeper, thus contacting sensitive spots inside a woman that may respond with orgasm.

Luck. You can do some planning with this, but it’s my opinion that there is a bit of luck with simultaneous orgasm. Getting the two of you to climax together is a bit like trying to get two runners to cross the finish line at the exact same moment. You can do your best to match another’s stride, but breaking that finish line tape together would be difficult to achieve consistently. So take it when it happens, but as a friend of mine said, “This isn’t synchronized swimming.”

Synchronized swimmers

Marital intimacy is NOT synchronized swimming! By Pierre-Yves Beaudouin via Wikimedia Commons

Experience. Couples are better able to climax together when they are older and have been together longer. This is because is it relatively difficult for a young man to postpone climax while an older man can often control his climax better. Additionally, over time married, sexually active couples learn to gauge one another’s physical responses and adjust accordingly. At this point in my marriage, no one has to say, “I’m almost there,” because the other spouse can tell; we’ve just been there enough to know. Thus, simultaneous orgasm is actually easier to achieve with age and time together. That doesn’t mean the young-ins can’t get it, but it does mean that if you haven’t experienced it yet, you may in the future.

HAVE FUN TRYING

I think most women can achieve multiple and simultaneous orgasms at some point in their marriage. However, from a biblical perspective, my experience, and talking with other wives who have had multiples and simultaneous orgasm, the most enjoyable sex comes not from meeting such goals but from having physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy in the bedroom. Seeking these goals in turn helps you reach the physical ones. Feeling comfortable and confident sexually with your husband, being able to explore and communicate with one another during sex, and each having the attitude of pleasuring the other will go a long way toward experiencing multiples and simultaneous orgasm.

So learn about your body, take these tips, and apply them. But focus on one another. Take your time. Make these goals something fun to go for, but not the be-all-end-all. Remember that if it was about just multiple orgasms, you could get that with your hand or a toy. Ultimately, sex is about connecting with your spouse.

Orgasm: If Only I Could O

Orgasm. Have you had one? I recently got a question from a commenter. Here’s what she (Anonymous) said:

“My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to believe that I can’t. I love sex… I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?”

So if I were a sex therapist (which I’m not), I would likely ask questions about sexual history, events that shaped sexual perspective, marital health, techniques, and so on. But maybe it’s just as well to give a general “How to” lesson – which will be broad, but may include helpful tips. So without further ado, here’s my rendition of How to Orgasm.

Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally

from When Harry Met Sally

Don’t try to orgasm. Yes, it’s a worthy goal, and I’m in favor of reaching that awe-inducing climax and yelling “Yippee!” at its apex. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you’re out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voilá! there they are – the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.

Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.

Learn about your body. There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. The most thorough treatment I’ve read was from Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, but there are other sources. One important fact is that the clitoris is where orgasm occurs for women, and this body part appears to have no other purpose than inducing sexual arousal. (Thank you, God.) The Wheats state that “sufficient physical stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce orgasm in nearly all women.” Of course, what constitutes that “sufficient physical stimulation” is what wives, and husbands, need to know.Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband’s, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.

You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he’s already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.

Slow way down. Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. In fact, husbands have been compared to microwaves and wives to slow cookers for how long it takes them to heat up. (Thanks to Sheila Gregoire for reminding me of this comparison.) It takes some time for most women to become aroused, fully lubricated, and for the inner vagina lips (labia minora) to swell.

Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.

And that’s okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.

Focus on the sensations. The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it’s easy for us to think about sex and — sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex i the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what’s happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.

Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration – getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.

Communicate. Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.

Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I have never seen a Hollywood love scene where one actor said to the other, “Oh, not there. Over a little bit. Yeah, right there.” (Actually, I see very few such scenes these days by avoiding R-rated films, but that’s another story.)

I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn’t mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he’ll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” move his hand and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Smiles, oohs, aahs, and groans also let a hubby know when he’s hit the jackpot. You could throw in a “You rock my world, baby!” if you feel so moved. That usually goes over well.

Surrender to the moment. Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.Give in to the moment when it arrives. Makes noises. Grimace. Scream. Flail about. Whatever floats your boat. I wonder about couples who videotape their lovemaking sessions because I’m pretty sure that orgasms are not pretty. If you watched a woman undergoing an intense orgasm, she might look like a rabid animal. But this is not the time to worry about how you look or what the neighbors might think if they heard you. (Hey, they’re probably thinking “Good for her!”) At that apex of pleasure, let go and revel in your one-fleshness.

My analogy would be riding a roller coaster (which I LOVE to do!). Tension grows as you slowly inch up to that tallest peak. When you reach the top, you must decide: Am I going to grip this safety bar and close my eyes? Or am I going to raise my hands and scream with delight? As you might guess, I always go for #2. It’s so much funner that way. Surrender to the moment.

Well, that’s it. Today’s tips for how to orgasm.

You know what was so great about this reader’s question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. “I love sex,” she wrote.

By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don’t require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don’t hit that Big O, and that’s okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. The Generous Husband recently had a great post on this very topic: Okay – but only if I can skip the “O”.Still, orgasms remind me of ordering a peppermint hot chocolate (my go-to drink) at Starbucks. They always ask if I want whipped cream. I want to say, “Duh. The cocoa is great, but if I can get whipped cream, I’m totally there.”

Sex = chocolaty goodness. Orgasm = whipped cream. Definitely a great combo.

Starbucks cocoa

Now readers, what are you tips for achieving an orgasm? Have you struggled in this way? Learned anything along the way? Share your story or your suggestions.

Quick Note: Stu and Lisa Gray have revealed nominees for their 2011 Top Marriage Blogs List. Check out the links and vote at the Stupendous Marriage website.