Last time, I addressed the issue that some wives have encountered—a husband who forces, demands, pressures, or intimidates his wife into having sex. I labeled such men “bedroom bullies,” because of the tactics they use to satisfy their own sexual desires without regard to the impact on their wife.

Before reading this post, I encourage you to read that one: You Are Not Your Husband’s Sex Toy.

Today, I want to talk about what to do if you’re married to a bedroom bully.

Before Anyone Says “But What About…?”

A few things I want to stipulate before I jump in:

• Wives can also be bedroom bullies. Husbands shouldn’t experience bullying either. But this post is aimed at wives because the vast majority of communications I’ve received on this subject have been from women. (The one husband who wrote me about his bully wife got an individualized response.)
• Ongoing sexual refusal can also be a problem. A concerned husband wrote me after my last post saying that for every bullying behavior I listed, an opposite extreme from a selfish wife could be cited. Fair enough, but none of that is the purpose of this post. If you want to know what I’ve said about refusal and sexless marriages, you can check posts here, here, and here.
• While I have a master’s degree in counseling, I’m not licensed, nor am I trained in the specific areas of addiction or trauma. If you’re dealing with such issues, I strongly encourage you to seek someone with experience and expertise to address your particular situation.

What’s Not a Bedroom Bully

Also, some attitudes and behaviors could be labeled bullying when they’re not. For example, expressing a strong desire for more frequent sex is not bullying. Nor is saying that sex should be part of marriage. A longing for variety in the bedroom is not bullying, nor is a request for a specific act.

Being asked to do something you don’t want to do does not make your spouse a bully.

But too many wives have been deluded into believing their husband is pursuing reasonable requests or marital rights when in fact he’s being coercive or abusive. That’s what I want to talk about today.

Your Body Belongs to You Too

Among the reasons given for a husband to have sex on his terms in the marriage—and thus bully to get it—are that a wife is called to submit (Ephesians 5:22) and that her body doesn’t belong to her but to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:4).

I encourage you to read those scriptures in context, but let me reiterate that Submission Doesn’t Mean Putting Up with Sexual Misbehavior. Wherever you fall on the egalitarian/complementarian spectrum, there is no doubt that a wife is not expected to fall in line with her husband’s sin.

Moreover, let’s look at 1 Corinthians 7:4 (NASB):

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Inasmuch as the wife’s body belongs to her husband, the husband’s body belongs to his wife. He doesn’t get to do anything and everything he wants with his body and hers while she has no say!

Besides, this verse isn’t about getting sex whenever and however you want it. Paul was writing to a situation in which some new Christians, specifically men, suggested that abstaining from sex would make them more spiritual. These husbands were depriving their wives of sexual intimacy, and Paul says, “Knock it off! Share your body with her.” (Loose paraphrase.) Plus, he goes on to stress the mutuality of lovemaking in marriage, making sure that each command to a husband has a parallel for the wife and vice versa. (For more on that, see Rescuing 1 Corinthians 7:4 from Abusers.)

Finally, you can’t hang everything on one text to somehow prove that a husband gets to have sex his way because he has authority over her body. Even if this verse said that—and it doesn’t—numerous other passages indicate that a wife’s body belongs to her too. Just one example is Song of Songs where the husband and wife clearly view one another as having independent desire and capacity for consent.

Marital Rights Are More Than Sexual

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 is about the inclusion of sex in marriage and mutuality between spouses. But doesn’t this passage indicate that a husband has conjugal rights? That he is owed sex in marriage?

A bedroom bully focuses on those conjugal rights to the exclusion of other rights and responsibilities in the marriage. What are those rights and responsibilities?

Well, God has long called on husbands to give their wives proper care, to remain faithful, and to avoid violence. Where that’s not displayed in a story in the Bible, it is not prescriptive (an example we should follow) but descriptive (showing human failings). The reader is expected to draw conclusions based on consequences; that is, a man reaps what he sows.

Consider also how the apostle Peter intimates that God won’t listen to the prayers of a husband who mistreats his wife:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

If God won’t grant prayer requests from your husband while he’s being dishonorable to you, why would God expect you to grant any and every sexual request from your husband while he’s being dishonorable to you?

Again, I’m all for sex in marriage. I have 10 years of blogging, five books, and three ministries to back that up! But as another well-known Parker once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Sex in marriage is important, but a spouse’s conjugal rights come with responsibilities to treat their mate with honor.

What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully? " Sex in marriage is important, but a spouse's conjugal rights come with responsibilities to treat their mate with honor." @hotholyhumorous
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So What Can You Do?

Hopefully, I’ve said something so far that convinces a sexually bullied wife that she deserves better. I took a long time to get to this section, because you likely have and may continue to experience such things from your husband as:

• Gaslighting, in which your husband challenges your perception in a way that makes you question what’s real, reasonable, and right.
• Shifting blame, in which the victim is blamed for the bullying with “if only you would/had/did A, then I wouldn’t B.” That could be something like, “If you would give sex to me the way I want, I wouldn’t have to force you” or “If you hadn’t already done this with a boyfriend, I wouldn’t make you do it with me.” (See Knowing Her Sexually Episode 34: “She Did It with a Boyfriend, So Why Not with Me?”)
• Rationalization, in which the bully believes his own lies. Narcissists and addicts are particularly given to convincing themselves what they are doing is okay through a series of rationalizations.
• Compartmentalizing, in which the bully sees sex as separate from the rest of their relationship to their spouse and/or to God and the bedroom as a place where anything that provides pleasure is fine—since it’s happening in marriage.

But let’s talk about what you can actually do to address your situation.

Embrace Boundaries

Get Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s excellent book Boundaries in Marriage. If you cannot afford it, borrow it from the library, a church, or a friend. If you can’t do that either, find articles online about establishing boundaries in relationships. You can start with their website here. I’ve also written about boundaries in the bedroom here and here.

Basically, you can and should set parameters, or boundaries, for what you will and won’t do.

Everyone sets boundaries, but spouses in healthy marriages don’t have to insist on them so firmly because they’re understood or respected once stated. If your boundaries have been repeatedly crossed, however, it’s like your fence has been damaged and needs to be rebuilt and reinforced.

In such a case, it’s good to state calmly but firmly what your boundaries are, such as:

• If you speak foul language you know I don’t like during sex, I cannot engage. I feel degraded by those words and need you to stop saying them.
• I will have vaginal intercourse, but not anal sex. If you try to have anal sex with me, I will stop altogether.
• I know that oral sex is okay and that you want it, but it’s part of the abuse I endured and I need time, space, and understanding to work through that trauma. I may have oral sex someday and may not, but you need to stop pressuring me because it’s triggering.
• I will be sleeping in the guest room until you put filtering software on your devices and get help for your pornography habit.

I should warn you that when there’s been a dysfunctional system and you change what you’re doing within it, you’ll likely get a counter-reaction from your husband. You’ve thrown a wrench in the gears, and at first the grinding might get louder and sparks might fly.

But rest assured that you are worth the effort. And if your marriage and sexual intimacy can be made better, it must begin with someone saying, “Enough. We can do better.”

Limit Sexual Interaction

That is likely the one and only time I’ve written “limit sexual interaction.” Generally, I’m trying to get spouses to have more sex in their marriage, not less. However, when you’re dealing with the three As (adultery, addiction, abuse), it may be the best course of action to declare a sex fast.

What is a sex fast? It’s a break from sex for a defined period of time, so that intimacy in the marriage can ultimately be restored. It’s like a reboot for your sex life, and a reboot involves shutting the system down, clearing certain stored data, and starting afresh. The primary reasons for a sex fast are:

• to help the sexually unhealthy spouse reset their perspective—cognitively, behaviorally, and neurochemically
• to give the betrayed spouse time to grieve and heal
• to focus on the relationship and building intimacy outside the bedroom before reintroducing sex

A sex fast is sometimes recommended for couples dealing with sexual betrayal, trauma, addiction, and compulsion. Some have said this was a crucial step in their recovery.

For those screaming that this is “depriving one another” (1 Corinthians 7:5), note that a sex fast follows the biblical prescription of taking a break “for a time” and for a higher purpose. Moreover, the Bible provided for couples to take a break from having sex now and then, primarily to protect against illness and infection.

Should you have a sex fast? And can you declare one on your own? Well, ideally this is decided in concert with a licensed counselor and includes ground rules for length of time, what happens during the fast, etc.

But a fast doesn’t have to be total either. When Daniel and his friends were called on to eat what their faith declared detestable, they engaged in a vegetables-and-water-only fast (Daniel 1). Likewise, if a wife is being called to do detestable things in the bedroom, she could limit sexual interaction to more basic activities. That’s what some might call “vanilla sex,” but as my colleague Chris Taylor has pointed out, vanilla is a flavor.

Personally, I can tell you that if my husband started forcing himself on me or treating me like a prostitute instead of his wife, sex in this marriage would stop. My husband wouldn’t get to break his covenant with me and then demand I fulfill that broken covenant with sex for him.

Get Professional Help

Please get help from someone who knows what they’re talking about in this area. Counseling from a licensed professional, particularly one with training in abuse or trauma, could be the key to getting on the right track for yourself and your marriage.

In this case, marriage counseling is not the first step. If there has already been such an imbalance of power in the relationship, that will likely carry over to the therapy environment. You wouldn’t feel free to say what needs to be said, and the bedroom bully could re-frame what’s happening as no big deal or your fault. A good therapist can see past some of that, but it’s easier to get a grip on what’s happening when s/he hears from spouses separately.

Whether or not your husband seeks counseling—and yes, he should—you should go. Talk about what’s going on, find out where you might have bought into wrong messages or pressure, learn appropriate communication and behavioral skills, and determine whether and how the marriage can be saved.

It’s Not Your Fault

There’s a powerful scene in the movie Good Will Hunting in which the therapist explains to Will that the abuse he endured as a child was not his fault. (Warning: strong language in that scene.) Although Will logically knows it’s not his fault, it takes a while for him to absorb that truth. Why was that scene poignant to so many viewers? Because when someone we love mistreats us, we tend not to blame them but ourselves.

A wife instinctively believes that a husband who loves her wouldn’t treat her so badly, so maybe it was something she did or didn’t do that caused his bullying. I want to finish this post by saying no, it’s not your fault.

I don’t know why a particular husband becomes a bedroom bully. It could be that he’s a narcissist, a sex addict, or compulsive porn user. It could be that he experienced sexual abuse in his own background and is now acting out. It could be that he embraced terrible messages about being owed sex however he wants it. It could be something else entirely. What I do know is that his bullying is about him, not you. It’s not your fault.

But you can do something to protect yourself and your marriage. God designed sexuality to be a gift, not a weapon. Pursue what God longs for you to have.

The post What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Sex is supposed to be part of a marriage. You can see what I said about that here, here, and here. However, sex isn’t just about the physical connection or release; rather, God’s design for sex involves mutual desire and pleasure, emotional security and intimacy, and continuing to live out godly virtues in the bedroom.

Yet I continue to receive messages from wives explaining how their husband insists on having sex his way—with his timing, his repertoire, and his pleasure. Oftentimes, the wife is desperately trying to be a “good wife” and meet “his needs” and doesn’t want to “deprive” him of sex in marriage.

So, once again, let me make this super-clear: You are not your husband’s sex toy. That is not God’s design or will for sexual intimacy.

You Are Not Your Husband's Sex Toy. That is not God's design or will for sexual intimacy. via @hotholyhumorous
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Is Your Husband a Bedroom Bully?

Most husbands are good-willed men who love their wives, and even those who ache for more frequent or varied sexual encounters would not force an act on their beloved. But some husbands are bullies in the bedroom—manipulating, insisting, demanding, and/or forcing their wife to engage sexually in ways that are harmful and dishonoring.

How do you if you’re married to a bedroom bully?

Your specific circumstances determine the answer to that question, but here are examples of what it looks like.

• Despite your objections, he insists on engaging in irregular sexual activities, such as BDSM, anal sex, or fetishes.
• He demands that you dress and/or present yourself in provocative ways that make you feel objectified.
• He insists on watching porn together to get ideas and/or suggests acting out what he’s seen in porn.
• Sex consistently unfolds and concludes with his pleasure, not yours—including which acts you do and who orgasms.
• He dismisses your past sexual trauma, saying you need to “get over it” and have sex / oral sex / whatever with him.
• He picks out scriptures about how you owe him sex and cites them to pressure or guilt you.

In all these situations, the husbands attempts to use his wife to satisfy his sexual desires, without regard to what impact his actions have on her.

That is how you treat a sex toy—as a tool to achieve a goal. But people are not tools, toys, or trophies. Sex isn’t about one spouse getting what they want at the expense of the other!

You Are Not Your Husband's Sex Toy: "People are not tools, toys, or trophies. Sex isn't about one spouse getting what they want at the expense of the other!" via @hotholyhumorous
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Can’t women be bedroom bullies too? Yes, a wife could also treat her husband like a sex toy, but that isn’t the focus on this post simply because I’ve gotten exactly one email describing that scenario but multiple emails about a husband way out of line. If you are a husband being sexually used by your wife, obviously that is not okay! You are not her sex toy either.

Both church and secular culture hold some responsibility for creating bedroom bullies. Without going into every situation that has caused this result, let me cover one big aspect of each.

Where Churches Have Failed

Churches are doing better overall with marriage and sex messages. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t get wrong messages or receive bad counseling or that you don’t currently attend a church that seems to have zero clue how to talk honestly and biblically about sexual intimacy.

There are plenty of myths out there, including ones from Purity Culture, long before that, and still today. But perhaps the one that has hurt the most is the idea that a husband needs sex and a wife has a duty to give it to him.

“But Marital Rights…”

Someone might ask, “Isn’t that what 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says?” No, that’s not the point of that passage.

The apostle Paul was addressing some in Corinth who suggested that if sex outside marriage wasn’t okay, wouldn’t it be best to abstain inside marriage as well? Paul responded that God intended sex to be part of marriage and spouses should be mutually engaged in physical intimacy.

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise the wife also to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband also does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (RSV)

So yes, we have what some refer to as “marital rights.” But too often, the focus has been not on owing sex to one another or to the marriage, but a wife owing her husband.

By the way, I’ve come to really dislike the words owe and duty regarding sex. They hold some truth in the same way that a parent owes their children sustenance and affection. But doing that out of duty would obviously stink for all involved—parent and child. There’s no way that a relationship built on duty is what God desires. The better foundation is Christ-like love. For more, see Are You Owed Sex in Marriage? and/or Does Your Wife Owe You Sex?

“But He Needs Sex”

Sorry, but no husband needs sex.

Some guy just started screaming at this post, and someone(s) will likely argue in the comments that he needs it. But hear me out: You can assert that the marital relationship needs sexual intimacy to complete the one-flesh design God intends. With that, I entirely agree!

But an individual can live without sex, even in marriage. If tomorrow, my husband was unable to have sex again, I wouldn’t leave and I wouldn’t die. I’d miss sex with him a lot, but I’d still want him as my husband for all the other benefits.

Yes, going without sex for a long time can be physically uncomfortable and emotional painful (see How the Sexually Rejected Spouse Feels). So I’m not downplaying the deep longing higher desire spouses have! But if we constantly talk about a wife having a duty to meet her husband’s needs, the result is often to:

• Overlook that the duty is mutual (by the way, Paul mentions the wife‘s fulfillment first)
• Set up the expectation that she has a duty while he has a right
• Create anxiety and guilt for the wife who is struggling to engage sexually
• Endorse a husband’s use of pressure, demand, and intimidation to get his “needs” met
• Preclude the opportunity, now or later, for a wife to fulfill that “marital duty” willingly, lovingly, mutually

Sex for Both of You

Sex isn’t for him or her—it’s for them. As Scripture says:

So God created mankind in his own image,
  in the image of God he created them;
  male and female he created them.

Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

See also Sex Is for You Too (by Scott Means, Heaven Made Marriage) and Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too (by Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy).

Where Secular Culture Fails

Secular culture has also long pushed that idea that men need and want sex more than women do. But the bigger problem is the widespread acceptance and prevalence of porn.

Short of being raised in a cave, a shack, or mountain cabin somewhere, I don’t know how anyone reaches adulthood these days without having at least seen pornography. You no longer have to seek out porn; you have to block out porn. And its negative impact can be seen in far too many marriages.

You Are Not Your Husband's Sex Toy: "You no longer have to seek out porn; you have to block out porn. And its negative impact can be seen in far too many marriages." via @hotholyhumorous
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While there are multiple reasons that porn is a bad idea, it fosters bedroom bullying in particular ways, including:

• Cultivating a selfish, consumer perspective of sex through individual pleasure and satisfaction
• Normalizing sexual activities that might otherwise be considered fringe or deviant
• Portraying women enjoying acts that many or most women do not enjoy
• Showing violence toward women as an arousing experience

Even a man who was good-willed before might be hoodwinked into thinking that this is what the best sex looks like. He can be enticed by how sex seems exotic, adventurous, and so gratifying. It reminds me of what God said to Cain:

“If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

Genesis 4:7 (NSRV)

If a man watches porn, sin is lurking behind that door. It creates unrealistic expectations, promotes self-serving sexuality, and minimizes one’s sexual partner.

Even if the porn was not sought out or is in a husband’s past, it can still have such impact. Moreover, it doesn’t even have to be what we think of as porn. You can find such porn-like attitudes in certain shows labeled TV-MA.

Just like we have to actively block out porn, we have to actively reject these messages and embrace a view of sex as mutual and honoring the other.

You Matter More Than Sex

A few years back, Gary Thomas wrote a fantastic post titled Enough Is Enough, in which he boldly asserted that God cares about each women more than He cares about saving the marriage she’s in. Here’s one poignant statement from that post:

Church, God hates it when a woman is sexually degraded and forced to do things that disgust her.

Amen. God did not create sex so that a man can get his jollies and a woman can be victimized.

Now, that’s not to say that any marriage with a bedroom bully can’t be saved. Some husbands believe these are their rights and don’t realize the damage they’re doing. Intervention with better knowledge, understanding, and relationship skills could make a big difference! I’ve heard from husbands who changed once when they recognized the false messages they’d embraced and the harm they’d caused.

Other husbands are characterological abusers, meaning they lack empathy for others and are unlikely to change. (See Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage?)

Either way, a wife should understand that God’s plan for sex in marriage does not involve one spouse being used for the other’s satisfaction. You are not your husband’s sex toy.

I hope the wives who need to hear that can absorb this truth. You matter more than anyone’s sexual desires, needs, or rights. Read and re-read this post, think about this truth, pray for God’s wisdom, and pursue help if you need it.

Next time, however, I will try to address what to do if your situation is one in which you’ve been bullied and used in the bedroom.

The post You Are Not Your Husband’s Sex Toy appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.