It’s beyond common. I hear it all the time. Wives saying that they got their husband to perform some task by promising sex in return. I’ve often joked that I can’t get my husband to do anything that way. He knows I can’t hold out long enough to use sex as a bartering chip.

But sex shouldn’t even be a bartering chip.

Why is bartering a bad plan for sex?

It’s a selfish version of sexual intimacy.

It’s a you-scratch-my-back (or whatever), I’ll-scratch-yours mentality. You are focused on what you can get out of the sexual experience, not what you can give your spouse or what you two can experience together.

It puts one of you in control.

If you are the one who surrenders sex when you get some nonsexual favor from your spouse, you become the person in control of your marital intimacy. You hold the keys to whether the door to sex is locked or unlocked. Your spouse must comply with your requirements before you let him/her in.

Yes, an imbalance of control can occur without bartering! (See, e.g., What If Your Husband Is a Bedroom Bully?)  But it certainly happens when you barter for sex.

It downplays your own enjoyment.

Numerous psychological studies have studied how reward-punishment systems work for other tasks. For instance, people have long debated whether paying kids for good grades is a good or bad idea. But one conclusion regularly drawn is that when you attach payment to a task, it conveys that the task is not one a person would happily perform without payment. That is, it can make the task itself seem somehow unpleasant.

If you attach sex in your mind to being payment for some other task, you downplay your own desire and enjoyment of sexual intimacy for its own sake. Your end becomes the other task, with sex as the method for achieving that . . . rather than seeing the sexual encounter as an end to itself, an experience worth pursuing and savoring with your spouse.

It communicates that you don’t want sex.

If you only want to engage in sex when he knocks off your honey-do list, then your hubby figures that you don’t like sex with him nearly as much you like home improvement or whatever. If you only show up when she makes your favorite sandwich or watches the TV series she doesn’t really like with you, then your wife concludes you like meatball subs or Game of Thrones more than her.

But your higher desire spouse wants to know that you desire them, that you want to be intimate with them, that you are happy to be in their arms enjoying their love. Over and over, I hear from higher drive spouses who say that sex is 100 times better when they know their beloved is enjoying the experience.

So what if you have been bartering for sex in your marriage? How can you change that dynamic?

Do things for their own sake.

Don’t expect rewards from your spouse for anything from doing the dishes to remaking the garage into a hobby room. Do it because it’s a generous thing to do and demonstrates love for your spouse.

Communicate your desire.

If a spouse has been doing the tit-for-tat, he/she may not be talking honestly about where sex fits into his/her view of the relationship. Openly discuss how you want physical intimacy to be a part of your relationship regardless of how many to-dos get crossed off the list. In fact, sometimes it would be nice to throw the list aside for a bit, let the unnecessary tasks slide, and focus on the necessary joining of your flesh.

Prioritize.

Consider which expectations you can let go and how you can foster relational intimacy. Yes, you should have a fully participating partner in the home! But sometimes we put to-dos ahead of our relationship when they don’t need to be. Ask yourself what’s really important, and make sure you include sexual intimacy with your spouse on that list.

Work together.

Some things really do need to get done. If possible, work together. Make it a “we” time. Even better, make it a fun “we” time. Cook dinner together . . . and feed each other as you go. Paint the room together . . . then paint each other’s bodies. Do the dishes together . . . naked.

Of course, there are some chores that you should each handle. For instance, I learned long ago that my husband hangs the pictures. If we’d tried to hang each picture on our walls together, I would have divorced killed lost my patience because he is far more meticulous than I with those things. No worries. He does the pictures; I do other things.

Barter chores, not sex.

If you don’t work together well on a task, barter chores, not chore + sex. For the majority of my marriage, we’ve had an I cook you clean policy. You can look at that as a division of labor or a bartering arrangement (he gets a meal; I get a bye from doing dishes). But that’s a far more even trade and allows you to act within areas that suit your personality and skills.

Meanwhile, both of you should have the personality and skills to make love with each other.

What about the typical advice that husbands doing chores will get them more sex?

I mostly agree, but it’s not because it’s a bartering arrangement. Heaven forbid!

Instead, many wives have a long list of household chores, and if they are juggling child-rearing with them, and even add a part-time or full-time job (oh my!), they don’t have a lot of energy left for sex. Since one of the main reasons women say no is fatigue, then whatever a husband does to alleviate that burden makes it more likely that his wife will be up for sex.

Plus, when my husband notices something that needs doing and does it, that unselfish act on his part demonstrates love for me, makes our marriage feel like a true partnership, and fosters my admiration for him. All those gushy feelings mean that he looks even more attractive to me as a whole package deal when he comes a-courtin’ for sex later.

But don’t do a task to get sex. Do a task to show and foster your love for your spouse. Have sex to show and foster love for your spouse.

[Love] is not self-seeking.

Corinthians 13:5

This post first appeared on Hot, Holy & Humorous on July 25, 2013. It has been edited and updated.

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The 5 Whys is a problem-solving technique first proposed by Taiichi Ohno, an executive with the Toyota Motor Corporation. He suggested getting to the root cause of a problem by asking a series of whys. While his method was developed and is primarily used in the business world, it can be helpful with personal problems as well. It might even help you figure out why your marriage is struggling in the sexual arena.

How the Five Whys Works

Let’s start with how this approach can help uncover a task-oriented problem—the original purpose of the technique. Imagine I missed a podcast episode deadline. (Not a stretch, believe me.) I’d start by stating the obvious:

Problem: I missed the deadline.

And then I ask why, using each answer to spur the next question:

1. Why did I miss my deadline? I didn’t have enough time to complete it.
2. Why didn’t I have enough time to complete it? I only left a couple of hours to do it.
3. Why did I leave only a couple of hours? I didn’t think the project would take as long as it did.
4. Why did the project take longer than expected? There were a lot of places in the audio file where I needed to cut out extraneous stuff.
5. Why were there a lot of places with extraneous stuff? My fellow hosts kept getting off topic.

Kidding! I kid. This is not why I’ve missed a podcast deadline. My cohosts are delightful! But you can see how one could get to the underlying issue.

I could have stopped after Why #3 and decided that I simply need to leave more time for editing in the future, or I could conclude by Why #5 that we need to stay on track better during recordings. But either way, continuing to ask why until you get to deeper issues can help reveal your next steps in solving the problem.

Tackling Your Sex Problem

We can try this method with a couple of common sex problems and see whether it can reveal underlying issues. How about not making love often enough?

Problem: We only have sex a few times a month, if that.

A wife might sit down and write out her whys and answers for what she and her husband aren’t sexually connecting as much as they used to.

1. Why are we having sex only a few times a month? We don’t have time for it.
2. Why don’t we have time for it? We’re too busy with work, kids, and more.
3. Why are we too busy with work, kids, and more? We’re involved in so much stuff.
4. Why are we involved in so much stuff? Some, because we need to be; some, because we choose to be.
5. Why do we choose to be involved in so much stuff? We’re not good at saying no to others so we can say yes to ourselves.

Maybe you can relate to that one. Or maybe not. Your reasons might be entirely different. What if someone else has the same issue but different reasons? Perhaps a husband would sit down and write something like:

1. Why are we having sex only a few times a month? My wife says no to more than that.
2. Why does my wife say no to more sex? She says she doesn’t like it that much.
3. Why does she not like it that much? She won’t let me focus on figuring out how to really arouse her and bring her to orgasm.
4. Why won’t she let me focus on her? She seems to believe that sex is for me, not her.
5. Why does my wife believe that sex is for me and not her? She grew up hearing that wives owe their husbands sex.

Same issue, different underlying problem. And therefore, a different approach is needed to resolve the issue.

Now what about when the problem is your own, but it’s wreaking havoc on the sexual intimacy in your marriage? Someone recently wrote me about his wife consuming erotica so much that it constitutes infidelity. Let’s roll with that scenario—recognizing that I don’t know the actual reason why that particular wife engages in “mommy porn.”

Problem: You’re reading and watching a lot of erotica.

1. Why are you reading and watching a lot of erotica? Because I enjoy it.
2. Why do you enjoy it? It makes me feel sexy.
3. Why does it make you feel sexy? I can imagine how good it would feel to do some of those edgy activities.
4. Why would it feel good to do edgy activities? I would feel more in control of my arousal.
5. Why do you want to feel more in control? I felt used when I was younger, by men who wanted stuff from me, and I don’t want to feel that anymore.

Very often, when someone gets caught up with porn or erotica, it’s because of a past wound. Digging deep with why can unveil root causes for behaviors you want to stop, or at least know you should stop, but can’t seem to quit. Until you deal with that root cause, you may find breaking away near impossible. You’re just cleaning the surface when the real problem is a deep clog in the system that must get cleared out.

What Why Reveals

You may not need to go through five why questions to get to the root cause of an issue. You might find the answer after two, three, or four inquiries. It’s not about the number 5, but rather digging down into our internal reasons for what we are, or our spouse is, doing.

As much as I believe that spouses and couples can benefit from straightforward tips on having great sex, plenty of marriages are dealing with more complex issues. They need to start with addressing their sexual story; that is, what they’ve dealt with thus far that led them to the sexual struggle they now have. In those cases, sex tips aren’t the right place to start. Rather, you need to figure out your underlying why.

Only then can you discover the root causes of your reluctance to engage, or the way your identity is wrapped up in your sexuality, or the baggage you can’t seem to let go of, or the reason why a spouse’s single rejection flattens your heart. You may also discover that you’re not entirely over that porn (it’s still influencing your expectations), that trauma (you’re understandably triggered), or that heartbreak (things didn’t go the way you expected). And you simply won’t have great sex—much less true sexual intimacy (the real goal)—until you address the foundational causes of your struggle.

In addition to all that, the why reveals two major issues we all need to fess up to:

1. We live in a broken world that negatively affects all of us, meaning we’re all sexually broken to some extent.
2. We need the Spirit to intervene and heal our broken places.

Bringing It Into the Light

Let’s face it: confession sucks. Yes, there’s all that “confession is good for the soul” stuff, but the actual moment of bringing our deep issues out into the open can be awkward, embarrassing, and anxiety-inducing. That said, I’m a fan of bringing stuff into the light! After all, Luke 8:17 says: “For nothing is concealed that won’t be revealed, and nothing hidden that won’t be made known and brought to light.” As my bestie used to tell her children: “The truth will out.” Better to have the truth come to and through you than to have it revealed by outside accusers like a bright lamp in an interrogation room.

Once you discover the root causes of your sexual problems, through the five whys or another approach, what next? You should share that light with others. That is, you should tell others what you’ve learned and talk about what to do next.

That could include a spouse, a trusted friend or mentor, your pastor, an issue-specific support group, or a counselor, but don’t just take note of the why and move on. Use that information to seek the help and healing you need.

Of course, you should cover this whole process in prayer. After all, it’s God Himself who is the light and can bring true illumination to our lives. Ask for His wisdom on what next and keep checking in with Him as you pursue healing.

The 5 Whys of God

If you’re wondering whether you can trust God with your sexual struggle, your underlying issues, your deep secrets, how about trying the five whys method to this question?

Problem: I don’t fully trust God with my sex stuff.

1. Why don’t I trust God with my sex stuff?

Some of you would answer that the Church shamed you about sex, or biblical passages have been used against you, or you were sexually mistreated by another Christian, or something else. Or maybe you have a less painful answer. Regardless, go through the five-why approach and discover why you’re holding back.

And then ask whether that represents the true God—who created sex, who intended it to bless married couples, who doesn’t hold our sin against us after we repent (see Psalm 103:12), and who is close to the brokenhearted (see Psalm 34:18). Maybe you can trust Him after all.

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Yesterday afternoon, I was wiped out from having gone to the dentist. It was a simple exam and cleaning, but every time I visit the dentist, tension grips my muscles like zipties secured two notches too tight. It occurred to me that some of you might have the same experience with sex that I have with getting dental care.

Let’s talk about ways in which sex can feel a bit like going to the dentist.

You’ve Experienced Pain.

I have a very sensitive mouth, had several cavities as a child, and only in adulthood realized that I have an insensitivity to the local anesthetic commonly used for most dental procedures. All of which means that going to the dentist historically HURTS.

Ask me about the worst pain I’ve ever been, and childbirth doesn’t even come close. It’s either the time I got a root canal retreatment, when the anesthetic worked some but not enough, or when I received a filling with no numbing whatsoever. Dental care is not supposed to hurt that much!

Likewise, many women in particular have suffered pain or discomfort during sex. Sometimes their husband knows, but oftentimes he doesn’t. One review of the 2018 U.S. National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior suggested that half of women don’t tell their sexual partner about the pain they experienced. Reasons for pain include dryness, vaginismus, infection, pelvic floor dysfunction, and many more, but almost every cause can be addressed in some way. Sex is not supposed to hurt!

And even if an encounter is not painful, you may have past pain and discomfort imprinted in your memories that makes it hard to relax. This last dental appointment was only mildly uncomfortable, but I was on edge the whole time—because my mind and body remember. Yet, I believe with several positive experiences, the mental and emotional scripts will shift, my tension will ease, and I might even come to enjoy having my teeth cleaned. Since good sex is way more enjoyable than any dental procedure, couldn’t the same happen for you?

What to do:

• Acknowledge your pain or discomfort.
• Share your struggle with your husband.
• Look for ways to eliminate or address the problem.
• Give your mind and body take to adjust the script.

Your Needs Have Been Minimized.

While no dentist I’ve visited has been like Orin Scrivello, DDS from Little Shop of Horrors, some have been more sympathetic than others. The same with hygienists, who varied in how gentle they were cleaning and polishing my teeth. While my mouth sensitivity and anesthetic insensitivity couldn’t be controlled, it made a real difference in my trust level whether my needs were honored or minimized. If a dentist wants to get on my bad side, they give me lidocaine anyway when I’ve repeatedly said that it doesn’t work on me.

Can anyone relate to this in the sexual arena? For instance, if you’ve repeatedly told your spouse that you need more foreplay or additional lube, but they ignore that request and expect you to just go ahead with it, your reasonable requirements aren’t being respected. Or perhaps the way you get aroused—that is, your particular sex drive—isn’t heeded as an acceptable way to be. Rather, you’re criticized for not being in the mood all the time or having stronger sexual interest in sex than your spouse.

I’m not addressing sins against you here—the Little Shop dentist version of how to approach sex, which should definitely be opposed—but rather ignoring or downplaying what would make sex so much better for you. And that ignoring can come from your spouse, but also from a healthcare provider, pastor, or counselor who doesn’t take your concerns seriously.

It has taken me decades to get to the point where I now speak up boldly for what I need at the dentist. “What is that anesthetic? [Their answer.] Nope, that won’t work. Get something else!” “Yes, I want the nitrous oxide.” “Please pause for a moment while I take a few cleansing breaths.” “Excuse me while I put in my earbuds and turn on my meditation music.” Being my own advocate makes the experience better for all involved. They don’t unnecessarily hurt me, and I feel more comfortable and confident.

What to do:

Be your own bedroom advocate.
Speak up for what you need.
Pause what’s happening if needed and reiterate your reasonable request.
Cooperate with good care, but don’t let your needs be minimized.

You showed up out of duty.

Given my history with dentistry, you’d think I wouldn’t go very often. But other than a few lapses due to other issues in my life, I’ve gotten regular exams and cleanings twice a year and accepted treatments deemed necessary for my health. Nearly every time that I dreaded, despised, and despaired going to my appointment, I still did so—because it was my duty. It struck me as what responsible grownups did to avoid worse outcomes, such as tooth decay or gum disease.

Too many spouses—and it’s almost always women I hear this from—have too long showed up for sex in their marriage out of duty. Maybe they believed that’s just what grownups in marriage do, or they succumbed to pressure from others, or they wanted to avoid presumed worse outcomes, such as a husband turning to pornography or another woman for sexual release.

Is sex an obligation in marriage? We can certainly argue that it is, but that’s not the reason to have sex! You shouldn’t ever schlep yourself to the bedroom to “get it over with” because you “owe him” (or her). Nor should you feel that you must have sex, or your spouse will sexually betray you.*

Even with dentistry, I’d rather go because I want healthy teeth and gums, because I like the look and feeling of cleaned and polished teeth, and because I want to have a mouth that my husband wants to kiss. Continuing to show up out of pure duty has only made me more anxious about going to the dentist. Finally, I’m seeking out ways to both reframe the experience and to make it much better so that I’ll look forward to caring properly for my teeth.

How much more should this be true for sex?! If a sense of duty does anything, it should motivate us to figure out this area of sex, but not just have it. If you continue to show up solely because you feel obligated, then sex will never be something you look forward to doing.

Instead, reframe the experience as something you get to do and work on how to make it better! If sex becomes truly intimate and enjoyable in your marriage, you won’t need anyone to guilt you into having sex. Rather, you’ll want to have sex! And you’ll appreciate how it adds to your own and your marriage’s health and happiness.

What to do:

• Reframe the experience as physical intimacy with your spouse rather than a marital duty for your spouse.
• Don’t let your spouse (or anyone else) guilt you into having sex, because you and your marriage deserve better.
• View any obligation toward sex in marriage as an obligation to figure out your desire, pleasure, and intimacy. (It’s not about the destination as much as the direction.)
• Take concrete steps to make sexual engagement better for you.

You’re Ready to Try Something Different.

My parents long told a story from my childhood that I don’t personally recall. But apparently, they once took me to the dentist and, despite every dangled carrot or threatened stick, could not get me to open my mouth. They finally had to take me home, hoping the next time I’d be more cooperative.

Now that I know about my specific dental issues, I think that was a rather understandable—and even wise—choice on my part. Giving me enticements or ultimatums didn’t change what would happen when I eventually opened my mouth. Rather, my dentist was going to perform his tasks the way he always had. If only he could have offered something different—something less uncomfortable for me.

But the last time I went to the dentist, they cleaned my teeth with something I’d never experienced before. Some dentist reader may correct me, but I think it was a magnetostrictive ultrasonic scaler, which feels a bit like waterpik. Anyway, it wasn’t a terrible experience like teeth scraping has been for me. It actually felt pretty good when it wasn’t hitting a few extra-sensitive spots in my mouth—and the dentist shifted around those spots when I indicated mild discomfort. What a difference it made to try something different!

If having sex has felt like going to the dentist, you may need to try something different. And there are different things to try! I don’t know what your sex version of a magnetostrictive ultrasonic scaler is. (Though I can imagine the sex-toy jokes some of you are now making from that analogy. ~smirk~) But seek out different strategies, activities, ways to communicate, etc.

What to do:

• First, visit your healthcare provider if you’re experiencing pain, discomfort, dryness, or no sexual interest at all.
• Then, consider seeing a counselor if past trauma or mistreatment are a part of your life story.
• Read articles on this blog or others that provide helpful tips to make sex better for you.
• Listen to Sex Chat for Christian Wives, where we cover a lot of practical stuff about sexual interest and satisfaction.
• Get my how-to book for wives, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, for lots of ideas!
• Sign up for a sex seminar or marriage conference package through my shop and watch it with your spouse.

Please don’t settle for painful dentistry or bad sex! Especially not bad sex!

Sex as God designed it should be many multiples better than a visit to the dentist. It should make you happy you went there and eager to return. If it doesn’t feel that way for you, don’t just keep showing up, tensing up, and gritting your teeth through it. Discover the physical pleasure and relational intimacy God wants you to have in your marriage! Prioritize it. Pursue it. Persist for it.

*If your spouse sexually betrays you, it’s their sin, not yours. Even if you withheld sex, your spouse has many options besides cheating, and God calls your spouse—and all of us—to sexual integrity.

Resources: “Why Do Only Half of Women with Sexual Pain Tell Their Lovers?” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers. Accessed April 12, 2023. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202005/why-do-only-half-women-sexual-pain-tell-their-lovers; Cedars-Sinai Staff. “What Women Need to Know about Pain during Sex.” Cedars Sinai, September 12, 2018. https://www.cedars-sinai.org/blog/pain-during-sex.html.

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A husband wrote me about premature ejaculation, and as I began to answer his email, I realized I hadn’t written about this before and should! He began by saying that he and his wife have a great sex life, but…

I am an extremely fast finisher. I tend to finish well within one minute of penetration. I am usually ready for a second round within another few minutes, however those only ever last a couple of minutes maximum as well. This is something my dear wife and I have talked about before and she has always reassured me that this is of no bother to her, and I have always made it a point to be sure that she is “satisfied” by the end of any sexual encounter. She has mentioned to me before a desire to orgasm via penetration (she thinks this may be possible for her) however I am never able to last long enough to even think about making this happen for her. Is there anything I can do to overcome this and try to provide that experience for her?

J Answers

First up, I want to high-five this husband on his attentiveness as a lover, which his wife clearly appreciates. I was reminded yet again, as I attended and spoke at an event this weekend hosted by the Intimate Covenant podcast, that the primary purpose of sexual intimacy is connection (See What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?). Pleasure certainly serves that higher purpose, but even if sex isn’t everything that we want it to be physically, it can still be amazing emotionally, relationally, and even spiritually.

While working on this or any other issue, be sure to treasure the intimacy of sex as you’ve experienced it with your beloved.

Now on to the question…

What you describe is known, of course, as premature ejaculation (PE). Many experts simply say that PE is finishing sooner than desired, but WebMD gets more specific in saying that PE is when “you have an orgasm before intercourse or less than a minute after you start.” They also add that 30-40% of men experience it as some point, so it’s a common issue. If it’s occasional, then it can be overlooked.

But you want to address the ongoing fast finishes you’re having. And there are ways to do that, from techniques to medications/creams to other aids.

First introduced by sex researchers Masters & Johnson, this common technique is prescribed to men experiencing premature ejaculation.

When you feel ready to ejaculate, stop and squeeze the frenulum of your penis, where the head meets the shaft (see diagram below), with your thumb and forefinger … or ask your wife to do it. Hold that squeeze for several seconds until you no longer need to climax then resume thrusting. Repeat as needed.

Over time, you may be able to delay ejaculation without that squeeze.

Another option is at that ready-to-come moment, simply stop all sexual activity. Freeze in place, so to speak, until that eagerness to climax subsides. Then begin activity again. Do this as often as wanted until you’re ready to finish.

Often referred to as “edging,” some suggest practicing this technique with solo masturbation first. I don’t think that’s necessary; rather, you and your wife can work together to practice this until you feel more confident that you can last longer.

Kegels are simply exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor. Doctors often recommend Kegels to women, but they’re good for men as well. In addition to helping a man gain more control over ejaculation, this practice can increase bladder control, which—sorry to tell you—otherwise decreases with aging.

First, find the pelvic floor muscles by stopping urination halfway through or imagining that you’re trying to stop passing gas. The muscles you tense for either of those should be the right ones. Now lie on your back, tighten those muscles slowly through the count to 5, then release slowly for that same 5 count, and repeat 10 times each day.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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A couple of weeks ago, I published a Facebook post about the need for individual and couples’ counseling and how churches can and should help.

I got a huge favorable response to that plea. Today, I want to go deeper into this issue.

Why am I making this plea?

As I hear from folks struggling in their marriage, it’s often clear that a spouse or couple should be in therapy with a licensed professional who can address their specific issues. Maybe one of the spouses has an addiction or there has been childhood sexual trauma or abuse. Maybe the couple has fallen into destructive patterns that could be addressed with proper intervention. Maybe there are mental health disorders interfering with relationship interactions. Maybe the couple simply needs a mediator to help reveal underlying issues or teach healthier communication and conflict resolution.

Yet up to half the time I recommend counseling to someone, I hear back that they can’t access this resource. Sometimes, there aren’t options near them, but more often it’s simply that they cannot afford it.

It’s frustrating to see how many people need a resource but cannot get it. What if churches really devoted themselves to providing the help individuals and couples need to thrive?

We need well-informed, godly counsel.

Let’s be honest: the Bible doesn’t say, “Go thou to therapy!” But it conveys that we should go to God for His counsel (e.g., Job 12:13, Psalm 73:24) and also to fellow believers who have wisdom about our situation. In our time, place, and culture, we have resources with wisdom that simply weren’t available to people in the past.

For example, getting a master’s degree in counseling helped me to understand how people make decisions, undergo change, and replace bad habits with better choices, as well as how past wounds affect our perspective. I learned about mental health diagnoses and what approaches might be useful in addressing them. While my foundation has been, and always be, God’s truth as revealed in Scripture, my grad-school training provided additional insight that I have used in my ministry.

Other Christians have different or deeper knowledge and training to address various issues, from lay counselors who walk alongside those in emotional pain to trauma-informed specialists who address sexual abuse, and everything in between. While our faith sets the destination we aim to reach in our lives and relationships, well-informed, personalized help can lay out the path to reach that destination.

Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.

Proverbs 15:22 (NASB)

“You can’t afford not to!”

If we believe that quality Christian counseling can play an important role, why aren’t individuals and couples getting it? A fair number would go but can’t manage it.

Unfortunately, when a spouse says they cannot afford counseling, they often hear retorts such as:

• You can’t afford not to!
• Divorce is more expensive than counseling.
• Isn’t your marriage worth it?

To people who’ve said such things, I wonder if you’ve ever had less than $10 in your bank account. I have. While in college, a meal at Taco Bell for me was two 49¢ tacos and a water because that’s all the money I could spare. I was never poor (had everything I needed), but I was definitely broke.

It’s tone-deaf at best to tell people scrambling to make their next rent payment or put food on the table that they don’t care about their marriage if they won’t find money from somewhere to pay for counseling.

Yes, some couples simply aren’t prioritizing their marriage, but many truthfully cannot afford it. And it’s not reasonable to expect the counselor to provide their time, effort, and expertise for free (“the worker deserves his wages,” Luke 10:7).

Why is counseling so expensive?

A quick aside on the cost of counseling. If many people say they can’t afford counseling, does that mean counselors charge too much? While some make good money, that’s not the primary reason counseling costs what it does. Rather, a counselor must deal with such expenses as:

• Education/training to become a counselor, ranging from a short course (e.g., lay counseling or coaching) to several years for a PhD
• Certification or licensure, which has an upfront cost but may involve annual fees as well
• Continuing education, required for licensure and/or beneficial to stay informed in your field
• Office space and supplies to host therapy sessions
• Insurance, both general and malpractice
• Books and other resources required or desired to provide quality counseling

On top of that, insurance often doesn’t cover personal therapy or does so at such a low level that many counselors simply choose not to accept insurance. (See Why Is Therapy So Expensive? | HuffPost Life.) Plus, you really can’t see 40 clients for 40 hours per week; yet when you’re not seeing a client, you not making money.

For reference, the average salary for a Licensed Professional Counselor in my home state of Texas, according to Salary.com, is $53,650. Meanwhile, the cost of getting my graduate degree from my alma mater (University of Houston) is now over $20,000. And that doesn’t consider any of the other costs outlined above.

Honestly, most therapists are not going into this field to get rich but to help people.

Why should churches help?

Romans 12:13a tells us to “share with the Lord’s people who are in need,” and Acts 2:44-45 says, “All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.” The Church has a specific and direct calling to help those among us who need help.

One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages: "The Church has a specific and direct calling to help those among us who need help." @hotholyhumorous
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1 John 3:17 puts it this way: “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”

Are we open-hearted toward those who could use marriage help? Do we, as the Body of Christ, reach out to those in need?

Consider all of the challenges to individuals I mentioned above and apply them to the Church itself:

• You can’t afford not to!

The health of our church in part relies on the health of its families, and we can’t afford to lose them. Moreover, we cannot afford the hypocrisy of saying that God’s love abides in us while neglecting brothers and sisters in need. Faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26).

• Divorce is more expensive than counseling.

Divorce is expensive in the emotional and spiritual cost it exacts. Hearts and homes are broken, and some leave the faith altogether after the pain of a divorce. The cost of helping now can prevent far greater cost in the future (see Luke 14:28-35 NIV).

• Isn’t your marriage worth it?

Aren’t our brothers and sisters, their relationships, and our relationships with them worth it? Doesn’t our marriage to Christ, the bridegroom, call for us to pay that cost? “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

Please understand that the cost of staying in an abusive, high-conflict, and/or unfaithful marriage is often higher than divorce. I’m not saying there’s never good reason to leave, because sometimes there is! (See Are You in an Abusive or Destructive Marriage? and Enough is Enough – Gary Thomas.) In that case, therapy can be a godsend for the spouse who should leave.

How can churches help?

How a church can assist depends on its own resources.

While we hear a lot about megachurches, the average church has 65–75 congregants (although many of those are part of larger congregations). Larger churches can provide counseling, and some have full-service marriage ministries and professional therapists. But for smaller churches, their budgets are stretched tight to cover facility costs, staff salaries, and basic charity and/or mission goals. Asking them to pony up money for professional counseling is like asking College Me to splurge on a soft drink—it’s simply more than they can do.

But let’s look at some ideas so that you can see the wide array of alternatives:

Open and staff a counseling center at the church.

For a larger church, hire licensed professionals as part of the ministry staff. Once a counseling center is established, be sure to regularly inform members about this benefit and how to access its services. Smaller churches could pool their resources to establish a counseling center.

Provide onsite counseling with prorated fees paid through church funds.

Invite a Christian therapist to set up their office in your church facility. That person, or persons, would function as their own business with the church agreeing to pay some portion of their fees. Some churches prorate based on membership, financial need, or both.

Research has established that a client who pays at least something for their therapy tends to be more invested in it. If money is not an option, then the counselee(s) might be able to provide a service to the church as partial payment.

Support a counseling center or practitioner in your area.

Find a trusted resource in your community and set up a mutually beneficial arrangement where you help pay for therapy while the counselor prioritizes your members.

Invite local counselors in for seminars and/or classes.

Host a qualified therapist for a seminar or series of classes. Both couples who need therapy and those who currently don’t can benefit from learning communication tools, attachment styles, conflict-resolution skills, and yes, common sexual problems and treatments.

Help members obtain counseling education.

What Jesus said about spreading the Good News could be said about investing in holy and healthy marriages: “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field” (Luke 10:2).

We could use more devoted Christians with quality training to assist individuals and couples. But it’s not cheap to get the training and credentials required to become a licensed counselor. If a church can provide some scholarship money to defer a member’s cost, that might be a great way to bring in a good resource in the future. (Check with a financial advisor on how to do this properly).

Maintain a list of recommended resources.

Keep a list of recommended mental health, crisis, and marriage therapy resources that members can access. Let congregants know it’s there and remind them regularly. That person who didn’t hear the first 13 times because they didn’t think the list applied to them may now need to know, so say it another time.

Not all counseling is created equal! Which is why I often use the phrase quality counseling, not just counseling. See Have You Received Bad Marriage Counseling? and/or The Experts Who Are Damaging Your Sexual Intimacy. And for a list of the types of counseling one can receive, see this Facebook post on my Hot, Holy & Humorous page.

Let’s do what we can.

Do we want marriages to make it? Then we have to help them make it. “Marriage should be honored by all…” (Hebrews 13:4).

And for those in marriages that shouldn’t make it (due to ongoing abuse or other intransigent problems), we should help spouses transition out of their terrible situation. “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble” (Psalm 9:9).

Let’s approach our church leaders, talk about the need for counseling that is both professional and Christian, and propose solutions to support our brothers and sisters in need.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.

Proverbs 12:15 (NKJV)

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