Most spouses have something they’d love to do with their beloved, if time, place, and happenstance permitted. It could be something as tame as “sex by the fireplace” or something as wild as “multiple orgasms on a mountaintop.” But whatever’s on your fantasy to-do list, have you talked to your mate about it?

Here are a few tips for putting together a Sexy Bucket List with your oh-so-sexy spouse.

1. Don’t Chase the High

A Sexy Bucket List isn’t about chasing the next high. We can get too caught up in believing that a successful sex life involves ever-increasing pleasure or adventurous activities that demonstrate an openness to erotic excitement. But a satisfying sex life actually comes from intimacy with your spouse; that is, the “one flesh” experience God designed for marriage.

So why have a bucket list at all? Well, we know from both research and personal experience that participating in novel activities together can spark the flames of attraction and connection. Pursuing a new sexual experience can ignite fresh passion.

As long as the goal is long-term intimacy, rather than a short-lived high, putting together a Sexy Bucket List together can foster a couple’s sense of we-ness. Not to mention, it gives you memories to savor for years to come.

2. Talk About Your Limits

Nothing on your Sexy Bucket List should be outside your spouse’s boundaries. Even if something sounds great to you, if your spouse doesn’t want to do it, you need to leave it off. Pursuing that item will not increase pleasure and intimacy in marriage; rather, it will be (rightly) viewed as selfishness and pressure.

In time, your spouse might change his/her mind and become open to the idea. But maybe not. They may always think that Project X that you’d like to try is a no-go. And you should respect that.

The good news is that for most couples, there’s still a lot of ideas you can give a shot. Talk about what activities get your hard no, your sounds interesting, and your why not? You could even come up with your own potential lists, trade them with your spouse, and then assign each idea a color:

• RED = Stop, it’s not happening.
• YELLOW = Maybe, but I’m a little unsure or cautious about it.
• GREEN = Zoom, baby, let’s go!

From there, you have a workable way forward that honors your spouse’s personal boundaries.

3. Think Small, Medium, and Big

When I turned 40 years old, I made a general bucket list and titled it “40 After 40,” with forty things to accomplish in the second half of my life. I’ve done 21 of them and have a couple of others near completion. Part of why I’m on track to make it through my list is because I varied the activities, so that some didn’t take too much effort to do (e.g., sing karaoke), others required more effort (e.g., go on a cruise), while others are Go Big or Go Home (e.g., live in Europe).

Do the same with your Sexy Bucket List! Include activities that can be easily achieved (e.g., a new sex position), ones that require more effort (e.g., make love in a tent), and a few stretch goals (e.g., have sex in every state/province). Try to balance the list that you can see some progress, but also have plenty to do in the future.

And you might be surprised that the small and medium goals don’t all end up getting crossed off first. That’s what’s happened with my own list! Sure, it’s no surprise I haven’t been to the Holy Land yet, but you’d think by age 56, I might have ridden in a limousine once. Likewise, you might find that the variation of ideas keeps you going for a while.

4. Brainstorm the Initial List

The first three tips were kinda “rules of the road.” But now, it’s time to get going with this list. You can start by coming up with ideas together or by coming up with ideas on your own, then sharing first drafts. You could also do a combination of both—by making individual lists, trade and crossing off no-gos, then compiling those into a single list and adding any other ideas you come up with together. Whatever you do, just make sure you’re both on board with the process.

Be sure to brainstorm in ways that work for each of you. For instance, I think in words, while my husband thinks in images. So if we came up with individual lists, mine might be a neat list of activities that included explanations; while his might be a mixture of words, images, or even mind-mapping with categories and offshoots. Of course, you should be careful about what images you use (generally speaking, please draw rather than download), but let your spouse’s imagination run in the way it best goes.

5. Review the List

How’s that Sexy Bucket List looking? Does it have enough small goals, medium goals, and large goals? Does it include anything you’re against doing? Is anything on your list not good for others? (One example would be having sex in public, which might sound exciting but isn’t fair to those who might come upon you.) Does cost prohibit too many of the items? And do the activities offer opportunities to increase your marital intimacy not merely through novelty, but also mutual pleasure and connection?

Take some time to edit the list and make sure it represents your overall goal of God-honoring, mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy with your spouse. If you’re on the fence about an item, you can cross it off or add a question mark beside it with the plan of revisiting it later.

Your list may end up with 10 items, 20 items, or 50 items—it’s up to you. But massage that list into something you’re both excited about!

6. Set Up a Plan

Having a list doesn’t mean you actually accomplish it. Just ask any wife who’s given her husband a Honey Do list. (Kidding! I kid!) But it is reasonable to talk about how you will go about crossing off items on your Sexy Bucket List.

Will you visit the list regularly or only when you’re feeling a desire to spice things up? Will you set a timetable for getting things done or let it unfold as life allows? Are there items you need to purchase to make some items happen (e.g., a bedroom game or marital aid)? Will you take turns initiating bucket list items or coordinate with one another?

The plan doesn’t have to be detailed. Just discuss where you go from here—that is, how you’ll use the Sexy Bucket List in your intimate life together.

7. Put It into Practice

This is the fun part, right? You’ve got a Sexy Bucket List, and it’s time to cross things off!

There’s not much else to say here, because knocking off your sexy to-dos is a private affair. Have at it, and enjoy.

8. Assess Your Success

How did it go? You may find that some ideas you thought would be marvelous weren’t so much. While others you didn’t as high hopes for were WOW. And a few others didn’t work at all—to the point that you now have a story of “that one time we tried…” that will make you laugh for many years to come.

But assessing how it went can help you decide what to add to your marital intimacy repertoire, what counts as a fun once-in-a-lifetime event, and what you never ever want to try again. It can also help you with the next tip, which is…

9. Revisit & Revise Your List

You didn’t etch this Sexy Bucket List in stone. It can be changed. As you learn more, hear about new ideas, or change in terms of what you can and can’t do, adjust your list to reflect what you want to try. Years ago, Spock and I made a list of sexual positions to try. If we returned to that list, I guarantee we’d cross several off because our aging bodies don’t bend the way they used to.

But it’s just as likely that you could add something you didn’t think you could do before. Perhaps you come into some money so that “buy sex furniture” is now a reasonable goal or your kids grow up and leave and “make love in the kitchen” can actually happen.

Let your Sexy Bucket List be a framework, not a blueprint. It’s your list after all, meaning it doesn’t control you, you control it.

50 Sexy Bucket List Ideas (Printable!)

Want more help coming up with a Sexy Bucket list? Below are 50 ideas!

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Or just scroll to the bottom, download the PDF, and clicking the link from the saved document should open your browser and the tab.

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