Tag Archives: tips for grooms for the wedding night

Q&A with J: Will Sex in Marriage Be a Letdown?

Today’s question is from a man getting hitched very soon. He’s wondering how the whole sex-in-marriage thing is going to go:

I’m a 24-year-old man who is soon to be married and has never had sex (I know a 24-year-old virgin is quite a rarity in American society).

Anyway, I’ve been reading up on many of your articles on this website, and while I understand that in several of them that are geared towards newlyweds you typically give advice like lower expectations and that it won’t be perfect, I am afraid that I’m going to let my future wife down on our wedding night (or the first time we have sex, because I hear sometimes the wedding wears people out to the point where they don’t feel up to it that evening).

I have a few friends who waited until they were married to have sex and they all seem to say the same thing: that it wasn’t worth it to wait and that it wasn’t as big of a deal as everybody made it out to be.

I really don’t want to feel that way about it. Do you have any advice/links to articles that I could read to help alleviate these fears?

Q&A with J: Will Sex in Marriage Be a Letdown?

Wow. Sometimes in an effort to set realistic expectations, we can inadvertently sound like the bearers of doom and gloom. Perhaps at times my site has come across as Sex is great! Sex is great! But don’t expect much. What’s someone to do with that message??

So Mr. Fiancé, let me try to clarify a few thoughts about what to anticipate for your first sex on the honeymoon.

Expectations. I actually think you should have very high expectations. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage is beautiful, bonding, and a whole lot of fun. (If I didn’t believe that, wouldn’t this website be a complete waste of time?) However, some people place all their expectations on that first time, and that’s where issues can arise.

Indeed, I’ve heard spouses conclude based solely on their wedding night that they don’t like sex because it didn’t feel all that fabulous. Well, hello! If you’re making chocolate soufflé, it may not come out perfect the first time — but it’s yummy-for-your-tummy chocolate soufflé, so try again.

Likewise, sexual intimacy is worth developing over time. You and your wife might rock the foundations of the Earth the first time you make love, or it could simply be a tremor, but the entirety of sex in marriage does not rest on a single night. Not the first night, not the next night, not the night 17 years from now when your kids have driven you crazy all day and you barely have enough energy to connect your parts together much less rock each other’s world.

Set expectations high, but understand you may have to make some effort to get there. And sexual satisfaction should be evaluated on the sum of your experiences together.

Performance. “I am afraid that I’m going to let my future wife down…” The worst lovers are often those who think they already know everything and don’t pay attention or listen to their partner. The fact you’re already thinking in terms of how can I make this good for my wife? makes me wanna high-five your bride-to-be. She’s probably going to be just fine.

But what can you do to make this a great experience for her? In addition to this post with specific suggestions, here’s what you should know about making sex good for your wife:

  • She’s a sexual person apart from you. Meaning there are things going on her head and her body that are about who she is —  based on her own physiology, her mind, her past history, and her expectations. Her ability to respond as passionately as you, or she, might like isn’t entirely in your control. This is one reason why I believe sex in marriage should be covered in premarital counseling. Not with graphic details or flip charts, but rather getting on the same page about how you’ll approach each other in the bedroom — when things work well and when they don’t.
  • The person best able to tell you how to arouse and satisfy your wife is your wife. Likewise, you’re the best person to tell and show her how to arouse and satisfy you. You two can figure out sex together by being willing to communicate, engage, explore, and evaluate. Ask if she wants you to touch her with different strokes, pressure, etc., and help her figure out what feels good.
  • Make sure she “finishes.” That might mean climax, but it might take her some time to figure out the orgasm. It’s fairly easy for some, and not so easy for others. But what really stinks is the husband who does a little bit of foreplay, gets to the intercourse part, finishes fast, and fall asleep. I’m telling you like it is, dude — don’t do that. Prioritize her pleasure, and you’ll likely both enjoy the experience more.
  • Relax. A recent comment to another post made me realize that we ladies sometimes make it sound like sex with your wife is rocket science. You have to navigate all those emotions, expectations, and obstacles just to get busy with your woman, and even then some hubbies don’t have a clue whether she’ll enjoy the whole shebang. But you’re a man! I repeat: You. Are. A. Man. So man up, and believe you’ve got this. You are specially designed by God to be just the sexy partner your wife needs and desires.

Comparison. You also mention friends who’ve said sex wasn’t that big a deal once they started having it. Like maybe the show wasn’t quite as entertaining as the billing promised.

We live in a sex-glutted culture, and this causes too many people to believe sex is the end-all-be-all or that it should be a camera-worthy session of passion that leaves your loins burning and your mind blown. We compare our lovemaking to the last movie sex scene we saw, or the romance novel we read, or the porn video we watched. And then you do it with your spouse, and it’s like, “Huh.”

I remember being surprised by how little time it actually takes to make love. I probably got the wrong impression from AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long that a couple could actually make love for eight hours. Tantric sex not withstanding, you can take anywhere from five minutes to two hours to do the deed. Yet not once have I ever shaken my husband “all night long.”

But once you throw out the misguided comparisons, something more intangible and more beautiful can replace it. You can stop measuring exactly how much pleasure you get and focus on what pleasure you can give. You can become more open and vulnerable, worrying less about how everything’s going and releasing yourself to savor the sensations. You can begin to see how each sexual encounter weaves you two closer together as one flesh. You can appreciate the beauty of God’s design for sexual intimacy in marriage.

Forget the comparisons. All that matters in the marriage bed is you, your wife, and your Heavenly Father who gave you this intimate gift. Appreciate that.

Positivity. For all those couples who struggle at the beginning of their marriage with sexual intimacy, I can name plenty who came right out of the chute and rode successfully to the finish. Meaning you two might just be one of those couples where things click, and you’re satisfied and she’s satisfied and the heavens open and streams of sunlight beam down so you can bask in your delight.

You sure don’t want to hurt your odds by getting all worried and uptight. Look, I know you can’t get rid of the anxiety altogether, but make your sex-talk be positive messages.

Tell yourself that sexual intimacy with your wife is going to be amazing, that it’s a gift from God, and that any problems that arise can be resolved. Honestly, one reason for good sexual intimacy in my own marriage is that I talk it up in my head — everything from “What a hottie I married! ” to “This is going to feel great!” I remind myself of how awesome and unique this relationship is with my husband. And that cultivates more enjoyment and gratitude.

And here are a few more posts for those getting married soon or newlyweds:

What Should a Groom Know about His Wedding Night?
Preparing for the Wedding Night
Wedding Night Sex
What I Wish I’d Known before the Wedding Night

Congratulations and may your wedding night, honeymoon, and many years of marriage be filled with all kinds of intimacy and delight!

Wedding Night Sex

We’re back to Monday — the day I have designated to answer readers’ questions. I intended to answer a different question (sorry if it was yours) until Gray left this comment on my Q&A for J at HHH post:

I came across this on twitter and is just in time! I am getting married in 12 days and me and my fiance are both virgins and have only “pop kissed.” I am really not nervous at all and am so excited for Gods gift of intimacy to us! I was just wondering if you could give me some tips or things I should know going into this so I can make it the best possible experience for my future wife and I. I am a blank slate 🙂 Thank you so much!

This one is time-sensitive! At this point, Gray is less than a week away from tying the knot. Congratulations to the groom and lovely bride.

Just Married bride & groom in car

Photo Credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

So here are my tips for first-timers:

Lower your expectations. I kind of hate to start with that; however, I wrote a post about having High Standards and Low Expectations in marriage. Our standard is not just good marriages, but great marriages; not just good sex, but great sex. However, we don’t expect every single moment to give us the body shivers. Sometimes we put so much pressure on the wedding or the first time to set the stage for the whole marriage. The wedding and honeymoon are the kick-off (American football reference). It’s an important beginning, but there’s a whole game left to play.

So treat this moment for what it is: The beginning of physical intimacy with your wife. It may be amazing, or it may be the preview to amazing. Either way, enjoy it.

Talk to your bride about preconceptions. I had a Christian friend in college who told me that he didn’t want to consummate his marriage on the first night; rather, he wanted to hold his new bride all night long. My response was something like, “Pfft, you’re kidding! This poor girl been physically ready for the last 10 years, and you’re going to put her off another night? What are you?! A sadist??!” (I was expressive back then too.) Now he may have found his hold-me-all-night girl, but that is not at all what I wanted for my wedding night.

Have a quick chat with your bride about what you each want. You can chat ahead of time — though not in the same room (too tempting) — or wait until after the wedding but before the festivities. Does she want to don a pretty nightgown, order room service, and slow dance in the room before making love? Does he plan to walk through the hotel room door, strip down, and get busy? Both approaches are perfectly fine in marriage, but you can imagine how this is going to cause trouble if hubby and wife show up with different scripts for how this momentous night should go. Check for any mismatch in your expectations for the night and clear the air.

Go slow. No, slower. Take your time. This wedding night is your first chance to explore one another’s bodies, find out what feels good, and revel in the beauty and intimacy you will share this time and many others for years to come. Why rush?

Spend time with her whole body. Have you heard that song Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer? Whatever you think of that song, I love the way he describes lovemaking. The singer doesn’t focus on breasts, booty, etc., as many of today’s pop artists do. No, he talks about his lovely woman’s skin, lips, hair, and shape. He’s into all of her.

But thousands of years before Mayer penned his lyrics, the Lover in the Song of Songs described his Beloved’s “wonderland.” Three different times, the husband goes into detail about the beauty of his wife’s body, including this passage:

Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman’s hands.
Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.
Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses.
How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

Take time to find pleasure in all of your wife’s gorgeous form on this first night.

Plus, women take longer to become aroused than men. Most likely, as soon as your bride drops the nightgown, Groom Jr. will salute and be ready to charge. But he isn’t in charge; you are. So quiet him down and slow the pace so your wife can catch up. Expect to spend up to a half hour or more getting her ready for intercourse. Bluntly speaking, she needs to be dripping wet and her inner vaginal lips must be swollen to two times or more their normal size for penetration to feel comfortable. She will need foreplay — lots of it.

Try to make it last. Virgin men seem to me a lot like the soda bottle that has been shaken up for a long time. You have been aroused over and over without the opportunity to fully express that build-up. Now, here’s your chance! So what happens with a shaken-up Coke bottle when you remove the lid? Yep, that’s right. It bursts out, and a few seconds later the fizz is down and the hullabaloo is over. Now before you swear at me for insulting manhood: I love men. I love men so much that I compared your breed to Coca-Cola (which, if you knew my soda-consuming habits, you would recognize as a high compliment!). You see, I don’t think any Coca-Cola should go to waste.

Yet, the first time you might enter your wife and two seconds later, you’re done. Can that happen? It can. It does. You can try to hold off by coming close to ejaculation, pausing for a few minutes, and then resuming stimulation or thrusting. But if you “come” quickly, be assured that your ability to last will increase with age and sexual experience. Plus, your Coke bottle will fill back up and you can go at it again later in the night, in the morning, or on your honeymoon.

If early release continues to be an issue, One Flesh Marriage posted on premature ejaculation with tips for increasing how long a husband can last before climax. That excellent post is HERE.

Help a girl out after. It ain’t over until your bride says it’s over. Approach the before, during, and after as a we thing. When you’re done, you may still need to attend to the following.

  • Does she want you to keep stimulating her? If so, continue to stroke her until she feels satisfied.
  • Would she like you to hold her? This is a biggie for a lot of wives. For the act to have deeper meaning, a woman often wishes to be embraced afterward for a few seconds, a few minutes, or longer. This may also be a good time to talk, as many spouses become emotionally vulnerable after they have been physically vulnerable.
  • Help her clean up, if she wants. Sex is messy. There are fluids. Get a washcloth or towel for herself or the bed. You could even plant it near the bed beforehand.
  • Encourage your bride to empty her bladder. Her private areas are more susceptible to infection with sexual activity. Indeed, enough newlywed women have gotten urinary tract infections that it is sometimes referred to as “honeymoonitis.” Using the bathroom after sex can help a woman rid her body of bacteria that can cause infection.
  • Reassure your bride of something great about the experience. In the Song of Songs, the lovers continue to talk after their encounter about how wonderful it was, how handsome or beautiful their spouse is, and how much they love one another. Take a tip from the Bible: Pay a genuine compliment.

Rinse and Repeat. Ha! Seriously, though, you get to do this over and over and over and over . . . Ain’t God generous? I love the findings that Sheila Wray Gregoire reported in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex that the best sex is had by couples who have been married for many years. With time, effort, and know-how, we get better at it.

After __ years of marriage, my hubby knows my body far better than he did in the first year or two. I also know what I can do to contribute to his pleasure and my own. We’ve explored and experimented, learned and laughed, grown and groaned. (I needed another g-word to keep up the alliteration.) We have a sex life that doesn’t include a few encounters, but thousands. That makes for a very special bond.

Have fun. Whenever I send my kids somewhere, I load them down with rules like be respectful, mind your manners, etc. and then add one last “rule”: Have fun.

That’s true for your wedding night and honeymoon as well. I didn’t include the anatomy lesson you might have expected because you two can figure that out as you go. Don’t overthink it. Don’t worry if the first time doesn’t cause the earth to open and the angels to sing above you. Of course, it may. But have fun. And keep having fun.

May you have many years of happiness, personal growth, and mind-blowing sex.

Note: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex would be a great read for your bride, and Sheila specifically addresses newlywed wives.