One of the most frustrating comments I ever get goes something like this: “I wish I’d slept with my spouse before marriage, so I would have known whether we were sexually compatible.” I see at least three major errors in that statement:

1. Regretting that you did the right thing (see What Does the Bible Say About Premarital Sex?)
2. Believing that sex before marriage, a particular point in time, would provide sufficient information about physical intimacy going forward
3. Embracing “sexual compatibility,” the idea that your libidos, bodies, and preferences either match or don’t

I don’t even know where we got this notion of sexual compatibility, because it’s certainly not in Scripture. Rather, the overwhelming message in the Bible is that loving well and prioritizing physical intimacy are the prerequisites to mutually satisfying sex in marriage. God’s plan for great sex in marriage lands in that category of Simple to Understand, Difficult to Consistently Do.

Thinking there’s some magic formula or that couples either fit or don’t simply creates obstacles to progress in your marriage’s sex life! Let’s talk about a better perspective.

Are we fixed or malleable?

Kudos to Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, who coined the term “growth mindset.” Way back in the late 1980s, she began to look at two perspectives students used to measure themselves in regard to performance: the view that personal attributes were largely fixed or that they were malleable. For example, two students who each failed a test might draw different conclusions:

• “I failed because I’m stupid” (fixed)
• “I failed because I didn’t study effectively, but I can learn” (malleable)

That can also be true of successes—where the fixed view of that someone succeeds because they’re inherently smart or capable (fixed) or because they worked hard and overcame challenges (malleable). Dweck called that malleable view a “growth mindset” and proposed that it causes less overall anxiety and leads to a more successful life.

Sounds like common sense, right? If you think your efforts aren’t that related to how things go for you, you won’t want to put in as much effort and you’ll experience greater stress, at least in those areas where success doesn’t come easily. But we often believe that fixed version of ourselves and others.

How does this relate to sex?

Later researchers looked at the issue of fixed vs malleable perspectives when it comes to sexual desire and satisfaction. At least 5 studies drew conclusions worth considering:

1. The title of a 2017 study by four Hungarian psychologists summarizes their findings perfectly: “The pervasive role of sex mindset: Beliefs about the malleability of sexual life is linked to higher levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction and lower levels of problematic pornography use.”
2. Another 2017 study from seven psychologists noted that “Individuals high in sexual growth beliefs think that sexual satisfaction is attained from hard work and effort, whereas individuals high in sexual destiny beliefs think that sexual satisfaction is attained through finding a compatible sexual partner,” then went on to show that “those higher in sexual growth beliefs experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, and have partners who are more satisfied.” (How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being)
3. A 2018 study from two psychologists in Canada focused on how women cope with sexual problems by explicitly priming their subjects with either fixed or malleable viewpoints and then asking how they would respond to sexual challenges. “Results from both studies showed that women primed with entity [fixed] theories who expected to experience a sexual desire issue reported significantly more negative coping than women primed with incremental [growth] theories.” (Viewing Sexual Desire as Stable Versus Fluid: The Impact of Implicit Beliefs on Women’s Coping With Sexual Desire Problems)
4. A 2021 study by 5 (female) psychologists wanted to know the impact of sharing about sexual growth with couples experiencing clinically low sexual desire and arousal for the woman. Their research concluded that “endorsing greater sexual growth beliefs was associated with higher sexual desire for both partners, whereas, with some exceptions, endorsing greater sexual destiny beliefs was linked to lower sexual desire and relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and more depressive and anxious symptoms.” (By the way, the effects did not persist a year later, suggesting that a sexual growth mindset must be regularly nurtured.) (Navigating Women’s Low Desire: Sexual Growth and Destiny Beliefs and Couples’ Well-Being)
5. A 2021 study by three psychologists from Rutgers and Duke considered how a growth mindset affected sexual rejection sensitivity; that is, “the inclination to anxiously anticipate and react to perceived interpersonal rejection.” The results indicated that “Participants who perceived that their partner had a fixed mindset tended to have greater sensitivity to sexual rejection, and those with higher sexual rejection sensitivity tended to have lower sexual satisfaction.” (Sexual growth mindsets and rejection sensitivity in sexual satisfaction)

In case you wonder how you might have answered some of these surveys, here’s a sampling of statements participants were asked to agree or disagree (on a scale) with:

• Everyone is a certain kind of sexual partner, and there is not much that they can do to really change that.
• The kind of sexual partner someone is, is something basic about them, and it can’t be changed very much.
• People can do things differently, but the important part of who they are as a sexual partner can’t really be changed.
• An unsatisfying sex life suggests that the relationship was never meant to be.

(PDF) Sexual Growth Mindsets and Rejection Sensitivity in Sexual Satisfaction

You’re not the only one with a viewpoint.

Perhaps you’ve gotten this far and want to yell at this post or me or the universe, “I have a positive growth mindset! It’s my spouse who believes things can’t get better!” You make a good point, friend. Indeed, the fifth study listed above looked at not only one’s own mindset, but their partner’s mindset—both real and perceived.

If you think your spouse isn’t going to respond well to a suggestion to try something different, you may well be more sensitive to rejection and less satisfied with your sex life. Even more so if your spouse really isn’t going to respond well.

And from what I’ve seen, a number of less-than-cooperative spouses seem to have a fixed view of their own sexuality yet expect their spouse to change. Or at least drop the subject.

So yeah, hands-up in surrender, I hear you. I know that’s true for some of you. And it’s disappointing, frustrating, and even heartbreaking for you.

But looking into all this research, a few things stood out to me:

We’re often not as good at reading our spouse as we think we are. For instance, men tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in sex, while women tend to underestimate their partner’s interest in foreplay. We also may read into our spouse’s reactions more resistance or rejection than is there.

For many, a healthy sexual growth mindset must be, well, grown. You can’t expect someone who believes that sexual interest or satisfaction is largely fixed to simply wake up one day and see it all differently. Sharing a growth mindset can have a positive impact, but it won’t last if it’s not regularly nurtured until it reaches maturity.

If we really believe in that growth mindset, we should look into what we ourselves need to change. For instance, I’ve heard from far too many men who use porn and yet wonder why their wife isn’t willing to work on the sex in their marriage. Well, in the first study above, having a sexual growth mindset led to lower levels of problematic porn use. That’s great, but just having a growth mindset should lead there too. And to any other changes we really should make to be a better friend, supporter, and lover to our spouse.

Like it or not, we’re the only ones we can really change (with God’s help). We can certainly influence our spouse, and one of the best ways to do that is to change our approach in a way that invites change on his/her end. (See Who Are You Praying to Change in Your Marriage?)

God calls us to grow.

If you want, you can forget all those studies previously mentioned and just focus on God’s Word. Because the research supports what God has said all along—we’ll be more content and successful when we make space and effort to grow.

 We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.

Colossians 1:9a–12

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

1 Peter 2:2–3

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4

And every time the word repent is used, it basically means “CHANGE!” Okay, literally, it means turn around, but the idea is to set out for a new direction, and the underlying assumption is that transformation is possible.

Repenting, growing, and becoming a better person in the arena of sexual intimacy is my story. It’s the story of many others, as well. God redeemed us, but we had to agree with Him that He could.

Maybe you’ve embrace His redemption in other areas, but do you have a growth mindset when it comes to sex? Are you looking to grow in other areas that could impact the sex in your marriage? What part of your life is calling for personal growth and God’s intervention?

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I’ve written and talked a lot about what a wife can do to make sexual intimacy better in her marriage, including ways to reframe what sex means for her, to get in the mood, and to initiate well. But today, I’m homing in on what she can do during sex to ensure things go smoothly and receive the pleasure and intimacy she desires.

While “sex” can be broadly defined, in this post, I’m addressing the experience of foreplay, arousal, and then—at some point—intercourse.

1. Seek the Foreplay You Want

Kissing. Undressing. Caressing. More kissing. Breast stimulation. Manual play. Oral sex. Whatever gets your motor humming, ask for it. (Caveat: whatever item you request should already be on your mutually decided menu.) Let your husband know what you want, why you like it, and when you’re ready to move on.

I simply hear from far too many wives who want more foreplay before intercourse and don’t feel comfortable asking for it. Or they have asked for it, and it feels like he doesn’t listen because you told him that one time and he changed for the next two lovemaking encounters, but now he’s gone back to his old ways, and why doesn’t he enjoy foreplay as much as you do, and… Except all of us tend to need multiple reminders before we change ingrained habits. So gently prompt your husband again about your need and desire for sufficient, and passionate, foreplay.

2. Share Your Body

Speaking of your arousal, it’s not helpful to suggest he get your engine revving but not give him full access under the hood, so to speak. Deep sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, and that means giving your husband access to see and touch your body. If you’re not ready for the bright-lights reveal, try low lighting with a lamp, maybe even a colored lightbulb, candles, or string lights.

But also get naked. Let him touch where you like to be touched. Open up your legs (no dime between the knees anymore, wives! ~grin~). Share your body with your beloved. (See Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby.)

Need more inspiration? Go re-read Song of Songs 4:1-7 and 7:1-9.

3. Explore His Body

You’re not the only one with interesting parts. Your husband’s masculine body is worth exploring, from his strong jaw to his stiff penis, and all in between. Take time to stroke his body and ask him what feels good. Tend to those places you like most and those places he loves you touching.

You may already be comfortable touching places outside his genitalia. But also, get comfortable with his penis. Learn how to handle his testicles (hint: gently, gently). Massage the perineum—the stretch of skin between his scrotum and anus—which may feel good for his prostate.

You don’t need to do all of this on Day One but start exploring and you may find fresh appreciation for this man you married. And for inspiration on this front, check out Song of Songs 5:10-16.

4. Focus on Arousal

His, yours, both…yes. But concentrate on your senses, so that you are aware of what’s happening, what feels good, and how your mind and body are reacting. If you get distracted, just let the distraction pass and then back into focus on the lovemaking. (See Mindfulness & Meditation During Sex.)

Breathe deep. Relax. Enjoy the sensations. Savor the pleasure.

5. Get into Position

Hopefully, you two have talked about sex positions before you arrive in the bedroom for a sexual encounter that requires you choosing one. But among your options, you should communicate which one(s) you want to try today. And then get into that position and adjust until you’re ready to try intercourse.

6. Check Your Body’s Responsiveness

Before he enters, check to see if your body really is ready for it. Yes, that means touch down there. This is increasingly important from perimenopause forward, as our estrogen decreases and our bodies can become less cooperative with swelling and lubrication.

A wife may think that she’s fully aroused and rarin’ to go, but then discover that her labia have not swollen sufficiently and/or lubrication is insufficient for penetration to feel good. Your inner vaginal lips should swell to 2–3 times their regular size, and things should be pretty slippery down there. You or your husband may want to use a finger or two to draw some of your natural lube from the vaginal interior (just a bit into the opening) and spread it on the exterior vulva.

If you’re not ready, engage in more foreplay and/or add personal lubricant to prepare yourself better for entry. It won’t feel good if you’re not ready, so take the time to make sure you are.

7. Guide Him In

While intercourse seems fairly straightforward with Tab A going into Slot B, a lot of positions don’t allow either of you to really see how penetration is happening. And it’s important for your husband to come in at the proper entry point and angle. So why not guide him in?

You can move the head of his penis to where it would be best for him to enter, and/or you can reach down and spread your vaginal opening out a bit so that the entry point is easier for him to find. If things feel slightly off, use your words and/or hands to adjust so that the moment his penis penetrates your vagina, it’s not a poke-and-prod experience but rather a satisfying feeling of being joined and filled.

8. Fine-tune Your Position

Once he’s inside, you may want to modify your body’s position to make sure his thrusting hits your good spots. Tilt your hips forward or backward to change the angle and/or add friction from the base of his penis to your clitoral bulb. Lift or cross your legs to get new sensations or change tightness. Grab pillows—especially a wedge pillow—and place under your bum or hips (depending on your position) to lift yourself toward him or remove some of your muscle tension.

Of course, if the general position you’re in isn’t working for you, suggest another one! You can always change sex positions midstream. Feel free to experiment and see what feels good for both of you.

9. Participate Fully

Given that you’re in the throes of lovemaking, you might think: How much more fully can a wife participate?! But let’s face it—most ladies can multitask even during sex. We can enjoy what’s happening, yet also wonder:

• How do I look? Does he notice my extra pounds? Is my facial expression all twisted up?
• I wish he’d thrust a little harder. Should I tell him that? Or will that sound weird?
• Oh my goodness, I just grunted. Not very ladylike.
• What’s my husband thinking? Is he just into the physical side, or does he really feel connected to me right now?
• Will I reach orgasm this time? I hate when I’m almost there but can’t get over the hump.

You may need to practice focus and re-focus during sexual intimacy. (See #4 above!) But one way to help it is to give yourself full permission and encouragement to just BE who you are in the moment.

Forget what you look like. Make noise. Grab his bum, squeeze, and draw him in deeper. Ask for what you want; one-word directions can work especially well (e.g., “harder,” “softer,” “faster,” “slower”). Put his hands or mouth where you want them. Make direct eye contact. Say his name.

While you may feel self-conscious doing such things at first, it’s actually pretty arousing to your mate for you to be super into it. There’s even research showing that her making noise helps him climax. But expressing yourself also keeps your attention there and helps you enjoy it more.

10. Engage in Afterglow

What happens after sex can add to or detract from what happened during sex. If you finish and say, “Well, that’s that,” get up and use the bathroom, then go on your way, what impression have you left your spouse? Conversely, if you finish and say, “I love you,” then pull your beloved close, and remain entangled for a few minutes, what impression have you left? Clearly, the second option speaks love in a way the former does not.

That’s not to say that your afterglow needs to look like I’ve described. You may embrace for a while after sex, sit up and have a conversation, watch a show together to spend more time snuggling, be playful with jokes and flirting, shower together, or fill-in-the-blank. But taking a few minutes to extend the closeness you felt during sex can make a difference for how you feel about the physical intimacy itself.

There you go: 10 things you can do, wife, to help sex go well. Believe me, I’m rooting for you! And may you and your husband experience the one-flesh intimacy God intends for you to have.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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What do you call the 1977 movie about Luke Skywalker? My husband and I, a Baby Boomer and a Gen Xer, call it Star Wars, while our Gen Z sons call it A New Hope. Somehow, between the film’s release and the vast expansion of the Star Wars franchise, it got renamed.

Honestly, 2020 for me, and for many others, felt like Star Wars, with planetary-level destruction, personal heartache, and challenges to our physical and/or emotional survival. But maybe we should reframe it and rename it. Maybe we should think more about how difficult times can be defined by A New Hope. Sure, you don’t know how it will all work out, but even a Death Star is surmountable with fresh skills, fresh allies, and fresh hope.

(Can you tell we watched The Mandalorian over the holidays?)

What are your challenges?

There’s a scene in the second Star Wars movie, The Empire Strikes Back (we can all agree about that title!), in which Han Solo decides to enter an asteroid field to escape an enemy attack. It begins with Han saying, “I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one” and ends with the C-3PO droid giving him the statistical probability of surviving an asteroid field and Han answering, “Never tell me the odds!” Spoiler alert: They survive. (Sorry, but if you didn’t know that, where have you been for the last 40 years?)

Han Solo doesn’t know how they’ll go from under threat to surviving and thriving, but he does know the challenges he faces: a ship on the fritz, enemy fire, and no easy path. In the short term, entering the asteroid field makes things seem more dire, but it’s the best way through. And he believes enough in himself, his ship, and his crew to give it his very best shot.

What are your challenges? Personally and relationally?

• Did your sexual intimacy simply get off track in 2020?
• Are there physiological reasons why sex isn’t what it could and should be?
• Have you struggled with personal issues, grief, or baggage?
• Is your marriage experiencing conflict, tension, or distance?

You may not know how you’ll get to surviving and thriving, but the first step is taking stock of what your challenges are. Then you can find the right path and know that, even if that path is a difficult journey, it’s worth your best shot.

Where is your hope?

When Luke Skywalker first meets Obi-Wan Kenobi, he brings the droid R2-D2 with a message from Princess Leia Organa. Leia outlines a request and finishes with “You’re my only hope.”

Whether you’re just hoping next year is an even better year of sex for you and your spouse, or you’re hoping to resurrect a seemingly dead sex life in your marriage, or somewhere in between, where is your hope?

Go search for “hope” in your Bible, and you’ll see that the correct answer is not a something but a someone. Princess Leia also placed her hope in someone, but our someone is far greater than a legendary Jedi like Kenobi—He is Christ the Lord. That’s the theology, but what’s the practical takeaway?

Well, I see a lot of couples looking for hope with a new product, a fix-it system, a one-and-done marriage course, or a begging-God-for-it conversion of their spouse on the issue of sexuality. Believe me, I wish I could give y’all the 10 Surefire Steps to the Sex Life You and Your Marriage Deserve! Actually, that’s a good subtitle for a book. Unfortunately, I’d need to remove the word surefire, because there are no guarantees.

Look, I’m a huge fan of marriage education, insight, encouragement, and products that do all of that. They have helped me in my marriage and many others. But when someone tells me something I wrote or said made the difference in their marriage, I’m a bit baffled. It wasn’t what I wrote or said—it’s what the couple did with the information they encountered.

And all of that important change and renewed love comes back to the foundation of God Himself, where all hope resides. So start by asking yourself: Which do I want more—sex according to my desires or God working through me to love my spouse?

Answering that correctly—putting your hope where it should lie and living that out—will go a long way toward getting that sex life you both deserve.

How can I help?

“You must unlearn what you have learned,” Master Yoda says in The Empire Strikes Back. To embrace God’s design for sex in marriage, we all have bad ideas and habits and selfishness we have to unlearn and replace with new and better practices.

My goal is to share everything I possibly can to help the sexual intimacy in your marriage thrive in a way that strengthens you individually and together. To be your Christian Sex Yoda. (Okay, that sounds a little creepy, but you know what I’m trying to say! ~smile~)

Let me pull out some key features of that goal:

Sharing what I know

My avenues for sharing hope and help are through writing, podcasting, and speaking. I will be focused on providing both free and paid resources within those areas.

Doing what’s possible

Like everyone else, I have limited time, knowledge, and resources. I’m owning that upfront and planning to do only what I can, while believing wholeheartedly that I’m only one small part of God’s plan that involves many other wonderful marriage ministers.

One upshot of that is, as much as I’d like to blog daily or podcast weekly, it’s not happening. I’m aiming for twice a week here with summer and winter breaks and will maintain biweekly podcasts with Sex Chat and Knowing Her Sexually. Within those boundaries, I can follow Yoda’s other advice: “Do or Do Not. There is no try.”

Concentrating on sexual intimacy

I recently asked a question on my Facebook page about how broad my ministry should go, and the answers I received felt like God’s Spirit speaking through the wise counsel of friends. While I personally have opinions on broader cultural and theological issues, my calling is to keep my eyes and ministry firmly fixed on godly sex in marriage.

Helping both individuals and couples

Do I minister to wives? Or husbands? Or couples? I’ve wavered on this in the last 10 years, but the answer is: yes. Some of my resources are aimed at wives (e.g., Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, Higher Drive Wife community, and Intimacy Revealed book), while others are aimed at husbands (Knowing Her Sexually Community and podcast), and even others for couples (blog, Pillow Talk book, Sex Seminar).

But also, as much as I’m a believer in the blessing that marriage and sex in marriage can be, I agree 100% with Gary Thomas’s post in which he said: “If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.” And that’s also true if that marriage destroys a man. Thomas was talking about clear abuse, and his post is well worth reading. My reason for restating his words is that I want it clear that I first and foremost value the people God made.

I believe so much in marriage because I think it’s a blessing to people to be have a life partner, to experience love and joy with another, to be challenged and grow as “iron sharpens iron,” and to form the foundation of family for the sake of children and community. The intimate act of sex between husband and wife supports all of that as well.

If none of that describes your marriage, your issue is not sex. Not even close. Go find the help and hope you need.

Most of what I write assumes both spouses at least want a good marriage, and from that place, you can spark or spice up your sexual intimacy. Even if you don’t exactly know how just yet. But we’re here together—with new and renewed hope. Let’s make our marriages better than ever in the coming year and beyond.

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