From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

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Plenty of Christians proclaim a strong belief, read the Word of God, and try to live godly lives. However, when it comes to the bedroom, we may be tempted to base our beliefs on traditional viewpoints about sex, our gut feelings about the issue, or secular teachings about sexuality.

Let’s look at each of these.

The Way It’s Been Done

I’ve got nothing against tradition per se. If something has been successfully done a certain way for a number of years, we should take notice that we may want to do the same. That’s the basis of the Book of Proverbs—godly people sharing hard-earned wisdom. However, our traditions can get off kilter. After all, Jesus was on a constant mission to rid His people of traditions that didn’t make sense and led to undue burden.

I hear this at times from people who are uncomfortable with Christians talking about sex or advocating things like different positions or oral sex. Or from those who want to stick with the message that men like sex more than women do instead of realizing that women can want and enjoy sex too. It comes from those who continue to promote problematic purity culture messages despite the harm many have reported from this approach.

The basis of their objections seems to be tradition—that traditionally sex was hush-hush, primarily for procreation, a wife’s duty rather than her pleasure, and that maintaining virginity until marriage largely determined one’s sexual worth (especially women). These people likely wouldn’t describe their views as such, but tradition plays a huge part in how they view sex and what they’re comfortable with. To them, anything outside of that realm seems distasteful or even anathema. “Why can’t we do things how we’ve always done them?”

What I Feel in My Gut

I could easily stand on my soapbox and rant about all of the nice-sounding but somewhat ridiculous sayings our society has spread. Such non-gems as “follow your heart” (see Jeremiah 17:9; Mark 7:21-22), “do what feels right” (see Proverbs 14:12; 16:25), and “be true to yourself” (see Luke 9:23; 1 Corinthians 10:24). It’s a common belief in our society that our minds, hearts, and guts will clue us into the right decisions—that if only we’ll listen to the still voice inside us, we’ll know what’s right.

Sometimes, we even cover our Christian tracks by talking about “having peace” about something — which is fine if your peace is entirely in line with God’s will, but we can misinterpret as well. (“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12)

Of course, we can train ourselves through study of the Bible, time with God and His people, and prayer to have more godly discernment. However, our guts can still get things wrong at times. After all, the apostle Paul’s gut told him to go preach in Bithynia, but he was wrong; an angel had to point him in the right direction of Macedonia (Acts 16:7-10).

Look at All We Now Know About Sex!

The secular world has exploded with information and advice about sexuality. Not to mention aids and products to assist our arousal and satisfaction. Certainly, there are good research studies, quality advice, and helpful aids for marital intimacy. However, there are many horrible ideas and suspect recommendations. It’s fairly easy to spot the horrible stuff, but not as obvious when a suggestion trumpeted by secular society is subtly bad—undermining God’s plan for sexual intimacy or causing damage over a long period of time.

I’ve been disheartened by a few Christian authors and speakers who address sexual intimacy in a way that gives far more credence to psychology and human sexuality experts than their faith. Perhaps lip service is paid to biblical teachings, but as long as something isn’t strictly, word-by-word, forbidden in the Scripture, not much Bible study is involved and sexual experts are taken as the definitive voice.

I’m not arguing with responsible Christians who differ with me, or others, on particular points. I’m simply contrasting those who look at the world through a biblical lens, and those who look at the Bible through a world lens.

The Right Foundation: God, the Creator of Sex 

God reveals His plan and purpose in His Word—through direct teachings on marriage and sexuality and through instruction on how to honor Him and treat others well.

It took me a long time to realize the importance of starting with God’s truth. When I was sexually sinning prior to my marriage, I was a believer who rationalized my choices. I applied my beliefs to the Bible, not the other way around. Since then, I have time and time again seen the wisdom of setting God’s Word as the foundation for my life, including sexual intimacy.

My interpretation and someone else’s can differ on various theological and practical points, so we may not always reach the same conclusion. However, those who begin with God as their foundation will look first for answers in His Word, they will apply biblical principles to the marriage bed, they will align their sex lives with Christianity and proclaim the Gospel even in the marital bedroom. In doing so, they will reap the rewards of having sown good seeds.

Likely, their sexuality will reflect God’s intention for their lives, their spouses will feel their Christ-centered love, and their marriages will be better for having taken the higher, narrower road.

[This article was originally published on May 14, 2014 but has been edited and updated.]

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Not long ago, I received an email from a husband who was beyond weary of the Church not addressing the issue of his sexless marriage. That was hardly the first email I’d received from a frustrated spouse complaining about a lack of wisdom or even compassion they received from church leaders or fellow members for their sexual struggles.

Cue my heart breaking. Because yeah, our hearts should break over the same things that break God’s heart. And since God said such things as “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) and “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), we know that He intends for us to help one another in times of strife. James 4:17 expresses it more boldly: “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”

We know, or should know, that helping people whose marriages are failing—whether due to communication conflict, financial trouble, or sexual refusal or mistreatment—is good. So whenever we can help, we as fellow Christians ought to do so.

What a Difference a Church Makes

Now the burden does not fall on each individual, but rather the Body of Christ as a whole (see 1 Corinthians 12). And that body is the Church. Yet, here we are—back at the beginning, with the admission that not every church teaches healthy and holy sex in marriage.

But some do. In my now-defunct Facebook group, someone shared this post:

At church my pastor just said from the pulpit “sex is awesome!” I almost burst out in cheers. He’s always so good about talking about sex and not shying away from the topic.
He was teaching on sexual sin and he talked about pornography and having a healthy sexual life in alignment with the Lord.

And it was SO good to hear the message that married sex is good! He always says that married couples need to be having regular sex! …
[[My church leaders] are so good about teaching about sex the right way. I felt like I needed to share how there really are some churches who truly get it!!

How encouraging! Some churches really do step up and speak positively about marital intimacy.

But what if yours doesn’t?

Test the Waters

I don’t know how many church choices you have in your area, but I recommend people look around. Don’t join a church based on a worship experience (how we often choose) but rather what kind of community the church has.

Which involves talking to members and even having private meetings with the pastors and/or elders. Before my husband and I joined our previous church, we asked to speak directly with our elders about our concerns and how they viewed certain issues. They were open to that, we got our answers, and we joined (over a decade ago).

That church’s minister supported classes that addressed sex and encouraged me in my ministry. Plus, we had a counselor on staff who was comfortable talking about sex in marriage as well. So I knew, not based on sermons, but the people in my church what kind of answers someone would get if they approached a leader and reported they were in a sexless marriage or suffering abuse.

After we moved, we began looking for a new congregation, and I made a point of sharing with church leaders about my ministry and watching their reactions. Were they comfortable with the idea that God had something to say about sex? Admittedly, I have an “in” with the ministry I’m engaged in, but it’s fair to ask questions before you commit to a particular community.

Check Their Resources

You can learn a lot about a church’s view of marriage and sexuality by asking what resources they recommend. Do they have an on-site counseling center? Do they help couples seek therapy, through connected resources and/or helping with cost? Do the ministers know about local interventions to address pornography use, healing from trauma, and marriage overall? If there’s a church library, does it include recent books about sexuality from a biblical perspective?

You probably don’t want to pitch all those questions at once, but it’s worth knowing whether your church recognizes the importance of sex in marriage. You can always ask a staff member an open question like “What resources do you have for those addressing marriage struggles?” and see what they say.

However, if they don’t have a lot on hand, that doesn’t mean they’re not open to providing assistance. You might follow up with suggestions and see where that goes. Many churches want to provide more but don’t know where to start. You could be the breakthrough they need.

Look at the Archives

Let’s say you visit a church, and the current sermon series is on prayer. Great topic—one we could all learn more about. But that doesn’t tell you much about whether this pastor and the church support healthy and holy marriage and sexuality.

Do they have archives?

Many churches now have video or audio files of past sermons on their website, on a YouTube channel or Facebook page, or through a podcast. Look at the archives and see if marriage and/or sex have been addressed before. If so, how was it handled? Was mutuality of sexual desire and satisfaction affirmed? Were obstacles to trust and intimacy addressed? Did the sermon hold to simple stereotypes or purity messages, or did it delve into what God’s Word really says about our sexuality?

Ask for Recommendations

There are a handful of cities that, if someone told me they were moving there, I could suggest a church. Not because I necessarily agree with every theological point of that denomination, but I know that pastor is a champion for practicing faith and prioritizing healthy marriage.

But don’t write me for recommendations. Check with folks in your social circle! You may be surprised to discover that a friend of a friend would welcome you into their fold. Or that a preacher you love has spoken at a church where you could find common cause. Asking around might uncover options you hadn’t considered that work well for you.

When someone recommends their church, ask specifically what they love about it. You may or may not prioritize the same things. But you may well find a marriage- and sex-positive church by seeking others’ recommendations.

Listen to Members

The first time or two that you visit a church, you’re unlikely to get beyond small talk with the members there. But go to a Bible class, attend a church potluck, or visit a small group, and you’ll be able to participate in conversations that give you the feel for things. Even listening to what others are saying can help you get a sense of the culture, including the culture around marriage.

For instance, I’ve been around groups of wives talking about having sex with their husbands like it was a terrible burden. Now, I’ve heard from enough women to know that some women should feel that way about the sex in their marriage. But when no one in that circle speaks up in favor of sex as God intended it, that’s a red flag. Again, it may be that they’re entirely open to that viewpoint, and you could speak up for it and find several women who hadn’t spoken up before agreeing with you. But that experience at least tells you something about the current culture of that church.

Meanwhile, in my current church, there has been such beautiful openness among married couples about their struggles and victories. I learned these stories in Bible class, at the annual marriage retreat, and through conversation. I don’t know all the specifics, and don’t need to, but this church gets real about the challenges of marriage and points people to Jesus and helpful resources.

Don’t Give Up

Again, while too many churches have failed in the areas of marriage and sexuality, there are good congregations out there. And churches need those of us willing to speak up biblically and practically about sex.

I hope the tips in this post help. I understand the struggle about finding a church that represents Him on this topic. But please don’t give up on God and His people, because He wants so much more for you. For both of you.

The post How Do I Find a Supportive Church? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

From time to time, I read an article, listen to a podcast episode, or see a social media post from a Christian about sexual intimacy in marriage and find myself wondering what Bible they’re reading.

While the overall message about sex from the Church has improved a lot in my lifetime, misconceptions and false teaching still circulate. In an effort to correct the record, let me set forth seven principles Christians should know and affirm about sex. The first four are below, and my next blog post will have the final three.

1. Sex is for both of you.

Through the years, too many Christian-based resources have acted like God created romance for women and sex for men. Excuse me, but there is zero evidence of this perspective in God’s Word. God created sex to benefit and delight both husband and wife. And romance is for both of them too!

Just look at these verses:

• “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8).
• “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10).
• “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
• “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1).

God intends for two people to be willingly involved in sexual intimacy. Sex is not just for men. It’s for women too.

If we don’t understand that important truth, we may:

• Overlook her unique sexual response, making male sexuality the standard
• Define a man’s sex drive as “too much”
• Fail to recognize intimacy obstacles as solvable
• Ignore the reality of marriages with a higher desire wife
• Excuse pressuring and demands from a higher drive husband
• Deny both spouses the delight of mutual physical intimacy

Let’s get this one right: God created them male and female, and He wants both to be sexually satisfied in marriage.

2. God created sex for more than reproduction.

Too many Christians historically believed that sex was just for the sake of having babies.

But if sex’s sole purpose is reproduction, does it matter whether you enjoy it? In fact, isn’t it better to do other things with your time when no baby is possible? Could sex simply be a necessary evil for the sake of breeding and/or a temporary surrender to the flesh?

While all this was happening, I imagine God up in Heaven like this:

Today, Christian theologians and leaders rarely argue that sex is only for having children. But many husbands and wives report that their spouse checked out after the children arrived or reached adulthood. And I’ve seen tacit support for this idea from several Christians.

While it’s incredible that connecting our body parts has the potential to create life, the Bible teaches that sex in marriage goes beyond reproduction. God designed it to bring pleasure and intimacy as well. Consider Proverbs 5:19: “A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Ever sounds to me like past those childbearing years. And the entire book of Song of Songs celebrates marital intimacy without once mentioning children.

God’s design of our biology also displays His intention—with the health benefits of regular sexual intimacy, the presence of a woman’s clitoris (serving no reproductive purpose but providing ample pleasure), and the release of Oxytocin, a “bonding chemical,” during lovemaking. Research also shows that couples who engage in ongoing sexual intimacy are closer and happier.

3. Sex is not just a transaction.

It may seem obvious that God did not intend sex to be merely transactional, but plenty of statements suggest the opposite. Well-meaning Christian leaders have identified sex as something one spouse wants while the other spouse wants a different thing and then propose negotiating a trade.

Thus, sex becomes a quid pro quo. Quid pro quo is a Latin phrase that means “this for that.” It’s like the saying, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

There’s subtlety here. Because we might negotiate frequency, suggest taking turns with sexual pleasures or climax, or tend to our spouse’s emotional needs knowing all along that makes them more likely to attend to ours. But those aren’t in the same vein as “You do X, and I do Y, and we’re done.”

Sex should not be something a spouse does only to get some unrelated goodie from it. God designed sex to have goodies for both husband and wife!

Do things for each other because that’s what Christ-like love looks like! But don’t look at sex—or other good things in marriage like affection and communication—as trading chips in the game of marriage. You both deserve better.

4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.

For the love of all that is holy, if I one more Christian suggests you have every right to demand, pressure, or even force your wife to have sex with you…

No, I did not say “force your husband,” because oddly, I’ve never seen that. (I’m sure it’s out there, but I haven’t seen it.) I have, however, read several articles written by both men and women with notions like “there’s no such thing as marital rape.” Oh hogwash!

But, you say, doesn’t my spouse owe me sex? Hey, I’ll be first in line to say that marriage should, if at all possible, include sexual intimacy! That’s how God intended marriage to roll.

But hopefully, you’ve read the rest of the Bible in which God makes it eminently clear that His people should not demand their rights or ignore the feelings and value of another person. Hopefully, you’ve read about Christ’s sacrifice and humility, providing us the example we should follow. And maybe we should all camp out on this passage for a while: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8).

Now I’m not talking about communication or even confrontation, which could be reasonable at various times in marriage. I’m talking about abuse, force, or persistent pressure.

Even from a practical standpoint, those are terrible ideas. Think of times in adulthood you’ve been forced or pressured to do something. Did it make you more excited about the event or less likely to enjoy it? Of course others can pressure us to do things we’re later glad for, but most times we walk away with resentment and a desire not to repeat the experience. Do you really want your spouse to feel that way about sex with you?

Stay tuned next time for three more principles Christians should affirm about sex.

This post was originally published November 22, 2019 and has been lightly edited and updated.

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