Plenty of Christians proclaim a strong belief, read the Word of God, and try to live godly lives. However, when it comes to the bedroom, we may be tempted to base our beliefs on traditional viewpoints about sex, our gut feelings about the issue, or secular teachings about sexuality.

Let’s look at each of these.

The Way It’s Been Done

I’ve got nothing against tradition per se. If something has been successfully done a certain way for a number of years, we should take notice that we may want to do the same. That’s the basis of the Book of Proverbs—godly people sharing hard-earned wisdom. However, our traditions can get off kilter. After all, Jesus was on a constant mission to rid His people of traditions that didn’t make sense and led to undue burden.

I hear this at times from people who are uncomfortable with Christians talking about sex or advocating things like different positions or oral sex. Or from those who want to stick with the message that men like sex more than women do instead of realizing that women can want and enjoy sex too. It comes from those who continue to promote problematic purity culture messages despite the harm many have reported from this approach.

The basis of their objections seems to be tradition—that traditionally sex was hush-hush, primarily for procreation, a wife’s duty rather than her pleasure, and that maintaining virginity until marriage largely determined one’s sexual worth (especially women). These people likely wouldn’t describe their views as such, but tradition plays a huge part in how they view sex and what they’re comfortable with. To them, anything outside of that realm seems distasteful or even anathema. “Why can’t we do things how we’ve always done them?”

What I Feel in My Gut

I could easily stand on my soapbox and rant about all of the nice-sounding but somewhat ridiculous sayings our society has spread. Such non-gems as “follow your heart” (see Jeremiah 17:9; Mark 7:21-22), “do what feels right” (see Proverbs 14:12; 16:25), and “be true to yourself” (see Luke 9:23; 1 Corinthians 10:24). It’s a common belief in our society that our minds, hearts, and guts will clue us into the right decisions—that if only we’ll listen to the still voice inside us, we’ll know what’s right.

Sometimes, we even cover our Christian tracks by talking about “having peace” about something — which is fine if your peace is entirely in line with God’s will, but we can misinterpret as well. (“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12)

Of course, we can train ourselves through study of the Bible, time with God and His people, and prayer to have more godly discernment. However, our guts can still get things wrong at times. After all, the apostle Paul’s gut told him to go preach in Bithynia, but he was wrong; an angel had to point him in the right direction of Macedonia (Acts 16:7-10).

Look at All We Now Know About Sex!

The secular world has exploded with information and advice about sexuality. Not to mention aids and products to assist our arousal and satisfaction. Certainly, there are good research studies, quality advice, and helpful aids for marital intimacy. However, there are many horrible ideas and suspect recommendations. It’s fairly easy to spot the horrible stuff, but not as obvious when a suggestion trumpeted by secular society is subtly bad—undermining God’s plan for sexual intimacy or causing damage over a long period of time.

I’ve been disheartened by a few Christian authors and speakers who address sexual intimacy in a way that gives far more credence to psychology and human sexuality experts than their faith. Perhaps lip service is paid to biblical teachings, but as long as something isn’t strictly, word-by-word, forbidden in the Scripture, not much Bible study is involved and sexual experts are taken as the definitive voice.

I’m not arguing with responsible Christians who differ with me, or others, on particular points. I’m simply contrasting those who look at the world through a biblical lens, and those who look at the Bible through a world lens.

The Right Foundation: God, the Creator of Sex 

God reveals His plan and purpose in His Word—through direct teachings on marriage and sexuality and through instruction on how to honor Him and treat others well.

It took me a long time to realize the importance of starting with God’s truth. When I was sexually sinning prior to my marriage, I was a believer who rationalized my choices. I applied my beliefs to the Bible, not the other way around. Since then, I have time and time again seen the wisdom of setting God’s Word as the foundation for my life, including sexual intimacy.

My interpretation and someone else’s can differ on various theological and practical points, so we may not always reach the same conclusion. However, those who begin with God as their foundation will look first for answers in His Word, they will apply biblical principles to the marriage bed, they will align their sex lives with Christianity and proclaim the Gospel even in the marital bedroom. In doing so, they will reap the rewards of having sown good seeds.

Likely, their sexuality will reflect God’s intention for their lives, their spouses will feel their Christ-centered love, and their marriages will be better for having taken the higher, narrower road.

[This article was originally published on May 14, 2014 but has been edited and updated.]

The post What Is the Foundation for Your Views on Sex? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

When I first started this ministry (over 13 years ago!), there were few resources available for Christians wanting sex advice that was both biblical and practical. Yes, they existed, and I’m so grateful to those forerunners! But given the need, the supply wasn’t nearly enough. Nowadays, I can point to resources that provide quality information and wisdom for fostering healthy and holy sexual intimacy in marriage.

And yet, local churches have typically lagged behind in this area. Some marriage ministries will cover the topic, at least for a class or two, but most churchgoers won’t hear a sermon on sex. And if they do, it’s more likely about avoiding sexual sin than building a God-honoring sex life in marriage. Just where the need and opportunity are greatest, we fall short.

Rather than attack the Church for not doing better, my goal is to encourage and empower those on the “front lines” to engage with their parishioners in positive ways, thus building stronger marriages, stronger families, and stronger congregations. So let’s talk about it.

Churches Speaking Boldly

My husband and I recently settled into a new church, and you can probably imagine my excitement when the preacher stood up one Sunday and his sermon title, displayed on the big screen, included the word “sexual.” Yay, this church felt comfortable going there! And indeed, it was a great sermon about sexual integrity that didn’t mince words and reflected Scripture (2 Peter 2 and Jude, specifically). I can’t imagine a sermon like that being preached when I was growing up … or in my 20s or in my 30s.

And my church is hardly the only one. I can name several preachers who have addressed God’s design for sexuality from the pulpit (or stage) on Sunday morning. While I’m sure they get pushback, the vast majority of people appreciate the church speaking into an area that they struggle with in their lives. Sometimes, it’s a matter of getting past the hump of that first, and maybe second, awkward sermon. Once congregants realize this is something we can talk about because God talks about it, most acclimate to it being mentioned as part of a life lived well in Christ.

After all, marriage reflects our relationship with our Lord (Isaiah 54:5, Ephesians 5:31-32).

But it doesn’t have to happen in Sunday mornings if a church isn’t ready for it, and it shouldn’t happen there exclusively. Rather, marriage ministries can incorporate more content about sexual integrity and intimacy, through classes, special speakers, and conferences or retreats. Church libraries can stock quality Christian books about sex and let people know they’re there. (Hey, I will send your church library FREE books if you’re in the contiguous US and email me the request!). Churches can provide counseling services through their own congregation or underwriting Christian therapists to help couples who need counseling about sexual issues in their marriage (see One Way Churches Could Really Help Marriages).

Women’s ministries and men’s ministries can get involved as well. I’ve spoken at several women’s events, and my content has always been well-received. MOPS groups also welcome real-life insights on how to make sexual intimacy work while raising children and beyond. Other women, including Julie Sibert and Ruth Buezis, have presented to these audiences. Meanwhile, men’s ministries often address pornography use or other sexual sins, and support groups for men have proliferated in the last several years.

To all those churches addressing sex well, or even just starting to address it at all, THANK YOU! Sex isn’t everything, of course, but it is something—something God clearly cares about because it’s addressed throughout His Word.

Churches Speaking Barely

Many churches have good reasons why they don’t address sex much. The most common one I hear is criticism from the congregation.

• “That’s not an appropriate topic.”
• “My children shouldn’t learn that word in church.”
• “You should stick to preaching the Gospel.”
• “We shouldn’t be sex-obsessed like the world.”
• “Sex is about having children, nothing else.”

Yes, ministers hear such things from their members, often with harsh tones and even threats to quit the church if it continues. Sometimes members don’t have to say anything; the minister just knows addressing sex from the pulpit or even a class would not go over well with certain people. Anticipating an earful and worse, they stay silent on the topic or resolve to deal with the subject of sex on a couple-by-couple basis.

Other times, ministers don’t feel qualified to talk about sex, either because they don’t have sufficient knowledge or wisdom in that area or because their own sex lives aren’t great. Maybe they’ve struggled with pornography or sexual intimacy in their marriage is tepid at best. Without having figured it out themselves, how can they teach others?

Still others can’t figure out when and where to talk about sex. If children are in the Sunday service, they don’t want to deliver a sermon that might stir curiosity too early. (“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4.) Bible classes or small groups may involve both singles and marrieds, and they worry about having relevant messages for each. The structures and calendar of their church don’t easily allow a quality conversation about the topic, so they just don’t incorporate it.

While I feel compassion for these situations, the problem is that Christians are struggling in this area. God has answers, and we need to equip ourselves to deliver them and figure out how/when to make it happen. In fact, if you read the New Testament letters, it’s amazing how often the authors provide instruction about sexuality. Rather than shying away from it, they leaned into the topic, knowing that it mattered. And it wasn’t just about avoiding sexual sin, but having healthy, “one flesh” marriages.

As noted before, we have more good Christian resources about sex than ever before. If a ministry or church staff don’t feel qualified to teach on this, they can invite qualified guests to speak and/or go through a book or course about married sex. They can start with an event outside church to help people get used to the idea, such as a marriage retreat or home-based small group. Once you have others on board, it’s easier to get the full congregation to support other efforts to encourage godly sexual intimacy.

Churches Speaking Badly

Sadly, for every church doing a wonderful job addressing sex, I hear of at least two churches speaking badly on the topic. These are congregations that don’t avoid the topic, but instead teach erroneous or even dangerous messages about sex in marriage. Stated plainly or implied, they promote such myths as:

• Husbands need sex, and wives owe it to them.
• If a wife doesn’t give her husband sex, she’s (mostly or partly) responsible when he cheats/uses porn.
• All husbands want sex more than their wives.
• Sex is a transaction: he gets sex, she gets romance or conversation.
• If you stayed pure until your wedding night, you’ll be rewarded with great sex.
• Spouses can never say no to sex or they are “depriving one another,” according to 1 Corinthians 7.
• Spouses in sexless marriages should just put up with it, because sex isn’t that important to God.

Recognize any of those?

While I expect many of my readers to have encountered those messages somewhere in their past, I’m still astounded to discover they are widely taught today. As much as I want churches to speak up about sex, those who speak unbiblically should heed the age-old advice that if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

Not that they can’t ever say anything about sex. Christians are called to speak where God speaks! And He does speak about sexual integrity and intimacy. But we get into big trouble when we say things God never said and put burdens on God’s people that He never intended them to carry. Matthew 23:4 warns about church leaders who “crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden” (NLT), and in Matthew 22:29, Jesus warned, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.”

James 3:1 puts it plainly: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” (Believe me, I take that verse very seriously.) If we desire to teach, we must learn what the Scriptures actually say and always remain open to correction.

If you haven’t deeply studied the Bible for what it says about sex—apart from what you heard or learned elsewhere before—then it’s time to revisit the whole counsel of God. And if you studied a while back, you should probably go back through Scripture to see what’s there, having (hopefully) grown in the last several years in your faith and understanding.

If you’re in a church that teaches myths about sex, ask the leaders about their viewpoints, where they got them, and how they interpret certain scriptures. Be genuinely curious, rather than critical, and open up a dialogue about what the Bible truly says about sex. You could also volunteer to teach a marriage class that reflects what God truly says about sex in marriage–including redemption from past sin, the importance of mutuality, and what love and respect look like in the bedroom. Sometimes, when one person steps up and says the right things, those hungry for that message flock to it and change the perspective of the whole body.

Churches Speaking Biblically

I celebrate the progress so many Christians, book publishers, and churches have made in addressing the topic of sex more authentically, helpfully, and especially biblically! If you’ve been involved in that, give yourself a pat on the back. If you know others who have, pat them on the back.

But let’s not stop there. We’ve come a long way, but we have a long way to go!

Of course, our calling will never go away. God summons every generation, every church, every individual to be faithful in spreading His truth in love. Meanwhile, Satan and his forces continue to attack in the area of sexuality, perhaps because it is a place of such vulnerability and intimacy. In this life, we will never be completely free from sexual temptation, struggle, and sin, but we can make a difference in the lives of so many by speaking biblically about sex. May the church pursue righteousness, boldness, and God’s truth in the area of sexuality.

If you’re interested in having me speak at an event, please contact me! This is one of my favorite things to do, and I have well-developed presentations for both wives and couples. I’m eager to help churches in whatever way I can.

The post The Church on Sex: We’re Not There, But We’re Doing Better appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In the last few weeks, I’ve received three separate questions from wives that overlap in their tone. Summarizing what they asked about:

• Doesn’t a husband need oral sex to be sexually satisfied?
• How can I handle a husband who persists in wanting to be pegged (defined below)?
• Is a wife in the wrong for not wanting her husband to talk about her being with other men, aka cuckolding?

Now, I generally believe that husbands love their wives and want to focus their sexual attention on the woman they chose, love, and married. I’ve written several times about my general admiration for men; for example, To Good-willed Husbands Who Want a Great Sex Life, What I Truly Believe About Men, What’s So Great About Men? – Knowing Her Sexually. I’m a big fan of masculinity and good men.

That said, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and shoot rubber-bands at those husbands who pressure their wives for activities that don’t need to be in the marriage bed. (I’m a really good rubber-band shooter, FYI.)

What’s Okay and Not Okay in the Bedroom

You may have looked at that list above and concluded that these are very different acts. If so, you’d be right. I take no issue with oral sex being part of a married couple’s repertoire, while pegging is at best unwise and cuckolding is just wrong. But the thread that pulls these together is that in each instance, a husband behaves like his sexual satisfaction depends on a particular activity and then attempts to force or manipulate his wife to comply.

Before we go into how a husband should treat his wife and how a wife can respond to such pressure, let me address about what’s okay and not okay with each of these.

Oral Sex. Some Christians believe oral sex is sinful. I’m not one of them. Having studied this issue, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for married couples to engage in oral sex and that, very likely, oral sex is mentioned in the Song of Songs (2:3, 4:16). That said, many couples should skip oral sex.

Why? If sexual abuse or assault involved oral sex, it can be retraumatizing to engage in it again. That may need to be taken off the menu, at least for a time and possibly for a lifetime. In addition, if a sexually transmitted infection is present, oral sex should not happen (except perhaps with a condom or dental dam, but even then, be careful). Some spouses may find oral sex to be degrading or can’t get past concerns about hygiene. I have a hard time imagining germaphobes being able to engage in oral sex without intense anxiety.

If oral sex gets crossed off the list, that’s okay. There are plenty of other ways to arouse and satisfy your spouse. What you thought your mouth might do could be achieved with excellence by your hand or the addition of a marital aid. Maybe what your mouth should do more of is simply deep kissing (one of the three actions that help many women reach orgasm).

Just because an activity can be a part of a couple’s sex life doesn’t mean it should be a part of a couple’s sex life.

Pegging. In case you don’t know what pegging is, I’m sorry. Because I’m about to tell you something you might have gone the rest of your life without knowing and been content with that ignorance. Blissful, one might say. But pegging involves a woman wearing a strap-on penis to provide the man anal sex. I wrote on my views about this practice here: Q&A with J: Pegging. Is It Okay?

In short, however, this practice is unwise at best and possibly wrong. While I cannot point to a scripture that says, “Thou shalt not peg,” we can ask how God designed our bodies. And anal sex isn’t it. (See Is Anal Sex Okay?) Moreover, how does it fulfill our God-given roles as man-woman, masculine-feminine, husband-wife for her to wear a phallus to enter his rectum? It doesn’t.

Where did this idea come from? It’s not strictly gay sex, but pegging also appears with heterosexual men in porn. If a husband persists in asking for pegging, I’d ask how much porn he’s watched and whether he’s still watching it.

Cuckolding. Cuckolding is becoming aroused by your partner engaging in sex with someone else. It can be pursued in reality (watching your partner with someone else) or in fantasy (talking about or imagining your partner with someone else). Clearly, the former is worse because you’ve involved another person, but both are bad because they promote infidelity.

If there’s anything the Bible clearly says about sex, it’s that it should be exclusive in marriage. Bringing in someone else literally or mentally violates the covenant and trust you have with your spouse. We are not to lust after others, but rather focus our full romantic and sexual attention on the beloved we chose and committed to.

Suggesting that your wife take up with another man is asking her to be an adulteress. It’s asking her to sin. And you imagining her with someone else treats her like an object for your arousal rather than a full partner in your exclusive sexual relationship. It’s plain wrong.

But Do You Still Want It?

Explaining why you shouldn’t pressure your spouse for these activities doesn’t kill your desire for them. Plenty of spouses know they shouldn’t want things that they do want. Even if they want to shut off those longings, they don’t know where to find that switch.

Here’s where you need to do some personal work by asking where these desires came from. Your interest in oral sex may have come from a good place, but what about pegging, cuckolding, and other “kinky” activities? Would you have come up with those on your own? Or were they birthed by viewing porn or hearing stories from others who described them as erotic must-haves?

Do they come from a desire to pleasure and satisfy your spouse? Or from a desire to sate your own selfish lust?

Did someone pervert your sexuality through molestation, abuse, or exposure to porn?

If your interest in these activities came from a problematic past, then it’s time to wrestle with that past, re-envision what sex can and should be, and pursue healing for those wounds and misconceptions. Among the paths to healing are stopping porn (now), attending a support group that addresses unwanted sexual behavior, and/or seeing a Christian counselor to work through your issues.

Healthy and holy sexuality involves lifting up your spouse in the bedroom, treating them as a beautiful partner made in the image of God whose sexual satisfaction you value and whose intimacy you treasure. What does that look like? Here you go:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4–7

What If Your Spouse Wants What You Don’t?

It’s okay to say no.

Wait, let me say that a different way. IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO.

Yes, I yelled that at you, because that’s what some of you need to hear. Saying no to a particular activity, especially one you find sinful or degrading, is not saying no to intimacy with your spouse. It’s saying yes to real intimacy!

Saying yes to an activity you don’t want creates resistance, resentment, and even repulsion to sex with your spouse. You may try to be a “good sport” for a while, but the pressure to perform and the disregard for your own choice and pleasure will undermine the care and safety needed to feel known and loved. And what is sex in marriage but being known and loved?

The most common Hebrew word for lovemaking is yada which means “to know.” Thus, Adam knew his wife Eve. Had he demanded and persisted with sexual acts she didn’t want, she wouldn’t feel known. She’d feel used.

But it’s one thing to tell you that you can say no, and another thing for you to figure out the how. Do you just keep dodging the question? Asking him to stop? Engaging in everything but that one thing you’re saying no to?

Let’s Aim for Better

We have a tendency to ask how far we can go without going too far. Teens are known for asking that question to their youth ministers, but adult spouses often do the same thing. They want to know where the line is and then put their toes right up against it, or hey, a few toes over the line wouldn’t really hurt, would it?

What’s okay in the marriage bed is a perfectly fine question! I even answered (up above) regarding the three issues wives asked about.

But a much better question is: What fosters trust, vulnerability, and intimacy in a marriage? Sex as God designed it to be does just that!

Our generous Father designed it to:

• be mutually desired and satisfying
• involve both partners’ consent
• be a place where we can be, physically and emotionally, naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25)
• last throughout a marriage

If you’re being pressured to sin or to do something you find objectionable, speak up. Let your spouse know that you do not want to participate in that particular activity. Moreover, their demands make you feel less safe and less open to sexual intimacy. Explain not only what you don’t want, but what you do want. What would great sex look like for you?

Cast a vision. Talk about what true sexual intimacy could be with you both involved in figuring out what you want.

If he (or she) stubbornly pursues their selfish desires, set boundaries. That could include pausing sex for a time until they get help to address what’s perverted their desire. Be clear that you are more than willing to work toward a great sex life! But you can’t support sex that degrades or dishonors you.

If your spouse refuses to engage in a conversation, counseling, or other help, seek a Christian counselor or mentor for you. Find a trustworthy someone you can check in with to make sure your viewpoint is reasonable and to gain practical suggestions for how to proceed. A qualified advisor who knows your particular situation could be invaluable in helping you move forward.

A Final Word on Consent

It’s my belief that when you say “I Do,” you consent to pursuing sexual intimacy with your spouse. But pursuing sexual intimacy is not the same as having sex! You might go months without sex in a marriage, yet still be seeking intimacy through dealing with a hurtful past, navigating physical challenges to sex feeling good, addressing a porn addiction (his or yours), etc.

Consent is not given on Day 1 and Day 1 only. Rather, each time, we can choose whether to engage or not. Clearly, I’m in favor of engaging more than not. I have a whole ministry devoted to it! BUT all the examples of good sex in Scripture involve consent—for each time and each activity.

In Song of Songs 5, the husband comes to his wife’s bedroom, wanting to make love, but she’s tired and isn’t sure she’s ready (Song of Songs 5:2-3). By the time she finally decides she does want him…

I opened for my beloved,
  but my beloved had left; he was gone.
  My heart sank at his departure.

Song of Songs 5:6

Yep, the husband left. He didn’t break the door down, demand what he wanted, or pout when he didn’t get it. He respected that sexual intimacy involves consent—even in marriage. (I can’t believe I need to say “even in marriage,” but I’ve read enough from other sources to know I do.)

Your body is yours. You share it willingly with your husband or wife in a manner that honors God according to your conscience. I encourage spouses to make sex a priority. But consent is a high priority too.

God believes in free will. If He won’t force us to accept His salvation, He certainly isn’t in favor of a spouse forcing their mate to engage in certain activities, especially unwise or sinful ones.

Figure out what you will say yes to, what you will say no to, but especially how you can nurture healthy and holy sexual intimacy in your marriage.

The post Is It Okay to Say No? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

From time to time, I read an article, listen to a podcast episode, or see a social media post from a Christian about sexual intimacy in marriage and find myself wondering what Bible they’re reading.

While the overall message about sex from the Church has improved a lot in my lifetime, misconceptions and false teaching still circulate. In an effort to correct the record, let me set forth seven principles Christians should know and affirm about sex. The first four are below, and my next blog post will have the final three.

1. Sex is for both of you.

Through the years, too many Christian-based resources have acted like God created romance for women and sex for men. Excuse me, but there is zero evidence of this perspective in God’s Word. God created sex to benefit and delight both husband and wife. And romance is for both of them too!

Just look at these verses:

• “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8).
• “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10).
• “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
• “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1).

God intends for two people to be willingly involved in sexual intimacy. Sex is not just for men. It’s for women too.

If we don’t understand that important truth, we may:

• Overlook her unique sexual response, making male sexuality the standard
• Define a man’s sex drive as “too much”
• Fail to recognize intimacy obstacles as solvable
• Ignore the reality of marriages with a higher desire wife
• Excuse pressuring and demands from a higher drive husband
• Deny both spouses the delight of mutual physical intimacy

Let’s get this one right: God created them male and female, and He wants both to be sexually satisfied in marriage.

2. God created sex for more than reproduction.

Too many Christians historically believed that sex was just for the sake of having babies.

But if sex’s sole purpose is reproduction, does it matter whether you enjoy it? In fact, isn’t it better to do other things with your time when no baby is possible? Could sex simply be a necessary evil for the sake of breeding and/or a temporary surrender to the flesh?

While all this was happening, I imagine God up in Heaven like this:

Today, Christian theologians and leaders rarely argue that sex is only for having children. But many husbands and wives report that their spouse checked out after the children arrived or reached adulthood. And I’ve seen tacit support for this idea from several Christians.

While it’s incredible that connecting our body parts has the potential to create life, the Bible teaches that sex in marriage goes beyond reproduction. God designed it to bring pleasure and intimacy as well. Consider Proverbs 5:19: “A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Ever sounds to me like past those childbearing years. And the entire book of Song of Songs celebrates marital intimacy without once mentioning children.

God’s design of our biology also displays His intention—with the health benefits of regular sexual intimacy, the presence of a woman’s clitoris (serving no reproductive purpose but providing ample pleasure), and the release of Oxytocin, a “bonding chemical,” during lovemaking. Research also shows that couples who engage in ongoing sexual intimacy are closer and happier.

3. Sex is not just a transaction.

It may seem obvious that God did not intend sex to be merely transactional, but plenty of statements suggest the opposite. Well-meaning Christian leaders have identified sex as something one spouse wants while the other spouse wants a different thing and then propose negotiating a trade.

Thus, sex becomes a quid pro quo. Quid pro quo is a Latin phrase that means “this for that.” It’s like the saying, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

There’s subtlety here. Because we might negotiate frequency, suggest taking turns with sexual pleasures or climax, or tend to our spouse’s emotional needs knowing all along that makes them more likely to attend to ours. But those aren’t in the same vein as “You do X, and I do Y, and we’re done.”

Sex should not be something a spouse does only to get some unrelated goodie from it. God designed sex to have goodies for both husband and wife!

Do things for each other because that’s what Christ-like love looks like! But don’t look at sex—or other good things in marriage like affection and communication—as trading chips in the game of marriage. You both deserve better.

4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.

For the love of all that is holy, if I one more Christian suggests you have every right to demand, pressure, or even force your wife to have sex with you…

No, I did not say “force your husband,” because oddly, I’ve never seen that. (I’m sure it’s out there, but I haven’t seen it.) I have, however, read several articles written by both men and women with notions like “there’s no such thing as marital rape.” Oh hogwash!

But, you say, doesn’t my spouse owe me sex? Hey, I’ll be first in line to say that marriage should, if at all possible, include sexual intimacy! That’s how God intended marriage to roll.

But hopefully, you’ve read the rest of the Bible in which God makes it eminently clear that His people should not demand their rights or ignore the feelings and value of another person. Hopefully, you’ve read about Christ’s sacrifice and humility, providing us the example we should follow. And maybe we should all camp out on this passage for a while: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8).

Now I’m not talking about communication or even confrontation, which could be reasonable at various times in marriage. I’m talking about abuse, force, or persistent pressure.

Even from a practical standpoint, those are terrible ideas. Think of times in adulthood you’ve been forced or pressured to do something. Did it make you more excited about the event or less likely to enjoy it? Of course others can pressure us to do things we’re later glad for, but most times we walk away with resentment and a desire not to repeat the experience. Do you really want your spouse to feel that way about sex with you?

Stay tuned next time for three more principles Christians should affirm about sex.

This post was originally published November 22, 2019 and has been lightly edited and updated.

The post 4 Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

It’s daunting to realize that all of those scriptures about how we should treat each other and demonstrate love apply to marriage. Sure, I want to “bear with one another” when discussing worship changes with a friend I see once a week in Bible class, but bearing with my husband when he forgets for the 103rd time to turn off the shower head and I’m doused with water while attempting to draw a bath, ugh. “Share one another’s burdens” is relatively easy when my girlfriend needs a shoulder to cry on but less appealing when it involves my hubby relating for the 226th time the struggles of completing a work project only identified by an acronym that I knew the meaning of back in 1998.

The Bible isn’t “self-help.”

In my self-help dominated world, I would prefer to open up my Bible to the chapter titled “How to Achieve a Godly Marriage in 30 Days.” Instead, God chose to reveal Himself and His will with narratives of His people, commands and guidelines, passages of worship and prayer, and relatively little straight advice. 

Sure, the Proverbs have plenty of tips, but “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife” (21:19) is not what you want your husband to read so much as:

Step 1: Bring her flowers every day.
Step 2: Compliment her cooking. 
Step 3: Remember her half-birthday.

And so on. Even when I look for the word “marriage” in my Bible, it occurs 49 times. That’s all?!!

Yet the recipe for a good marriage is throughout God’s Word.

The Bible has answers.

Marriage is the crucible for personal relationship growth; it’s where we most reveal our capacity to live as loving people.  That’s why 1 Corinthians 13, a passage about how we should love one another in the church, has become standard fare for wedding ceremonies. It applies.

Extrapolate a little further, and you’ll see that all those love principles apply to the marriage bed. 

Imagine placing in parentheses the phrase “in the bedroom” after every description in 1 Corinthians 13. Thus, “Love is patient (in the bedroom), love is kind (in the bedroom). It does not envy (in the bedroom), it does not boast (in the bedroom),” and so on.

Eventually, we get to “Love is not self-seeking (in the bedroom).”

 But to be honest, sometimes we are. At the very least, we’re “scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” We have a tendency to sing Janet Jackson’s What Have You Done for Me Lately? in the back of our minds.

We want sex when we want it, where we want it, the way we want it, and sometimes not at all. Don’t bother me with your sexual needs; I’ll let you know when mine need fulfilling.

This is particularly tempting for the lower desire spouse because the higher desire spouse wants the sexual act more than we do or at least requires less atmosphere, preparation, and general ta-da! to be raring to go. So, we can often set the terms.

If she’s the lower desire spouse…

It’s somewhat like arranging furniture in a new house. When moving in, most women want to direct the placement of love seats, settees, end tables, coffee tables, wall art, bookcases, lamps, knickknacks, and crisp House Beautiful magazines. Typically, he’s content to walk in, plop the recliner in front of the TV, and call it a day.

But since he won’t get to sit in his recliner with drink in one hand and remote in the other until you’re happy with the living room configuration, he hauls stuff from one spot to another until you deem yourself satisfied.

We’re often in control, ladies. But love is not self-seeking (in the bedroom).

Think of the marriage bed equivalent of perching his Lazy-Boy to face a big-screen. What would that look like for you? When was the last time you went in there and thought about what he would like?

I’m not suggesting that you do something against your conscience—and there can be good reasons to refrain—but if you’re in a good marriage overall, consider what speaks love to your spouse. Sex could be among the most intimate expressions of caring for to your beloved spouse.

If he’s the lower desire spouse…

Rearranging the furniture for your wife may be nice, but it’s not how she best connects with you. And you have an opportunity to be her hero—to fulfill her sexually in a way that makes her body shiver and her heart soar. If love is not self-seeking (in the bedroom), what does that look like for you?

Maybe an appeal to verse 7 of 1 Corinthians 13 can help illuminate the goal: “[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Protect your wife’s heart, trust her desires are good, hope for sex that is mutually exciting, and persevere until you find it. You don’t need to shuffle into the bedroom tonight with an “okay, I’m here, let’s do this” attitude, but take that next step in the journey to figure out how to pursue more frequent and better sex in your marriage.

If you’re the higher desire spouse…

The 1 Corinthians 13 passage I referenced starts with this: “Love is patient, love is kind.” That means that in pursuing physical intimacy in your marriage, you need to be patient with your spouse, kind in your initiation and your responses to “not now,” and also remember that “not self-seeking” attitude.

Sex isn’t about you. It’s about the relationship. If the sex you’re craving doesn’t strengthen the marriage you have, what’s the point?

Sex, the way God designed it, isn’t about getting our own Meg-Ryan-in-a-diner moment or “getting it over with,” but rather finding ways to build intimacy with your beloved spouse.

And that, my friends, brings us to 1 Corinthians 13:13: “The greatest of these is love.”

Don’t Miss this
Marriage Conference & Romantic Getaway!

Hot, Holy & Humorous Cruise – October 14–21, 2023

LEARN MORE

The post Love (and Sex in Marriage) Is Not Self-Seeking appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.