One challenge to embracing sex as God designed it to be is erroneous messages we’ve absorbed. Some such messages are truly heinous and harmful, others are not quite right, and plenty fall somewhere in between. This post is the first of a series that will appear now and then over the next couple of months, with each post correcting the record on a specific topic in the realm of sex.

Today let’s address myths perpetuated in the Church and beyond about lust and modesty and replace them with biblical truth.

What’s So Bad about Lust?

The word translated as lust in the Bible refers to intense longing, not sexual desire specifically. The longing can be good or bad, depending on the motives and target of your longing. For instance, it’s good to long for (“lust” after) your spouse, as long as it involves not merely physical desire but respect and intimacy. It’s bad to long for (“lust” after) the skimpily clad stranger walking down the street.

But let’s talk about the latter—when lust is misdirected and becomes sin. As Jesus said:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:28

In an effort to avoid such adultery of the heart, people have suggested “bouncing your eyes,” avoiding the opposite sex, and/or insisting women dress more modestly. Let’s look at each of these.

Bouncing Your Eyes

“Bouncing Your Eyes” is the title of a chapter in the well-known book Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It begins:

To set up your first defense perimeter with your eyes, you want to employ the strategies of bouncing your eyes and starving your eyes as well as the tactic of taking up a “sword” and a “shield.”

Let’s first consider bouncing. You can win this battle by training your eyes to “bounce” away from sights of pretty women and sensual images. If you “bounce your eyes” for six weeks, you can win this war.

The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, and you’ve made no attempt to end this habit. To combat it, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove.

Part of me understands the theory here. After all, the verses after Jesus’s warning about lust are:

If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Matthew 5:29-31

Might bouncing be a less messy version of gouging out your eyes?

But the problem with that theory is Jesus himself. He didn’t bounce His eyes from women, and He never told His disciples to do that.

From Myth to Truth: Lust & Modesty: "[Jesus] didn't bounce His eyes from women, and He never told His disciples to do that." @hotholyhumorous
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Then there’s Job statement: “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1). He did not say he wouldn’t look at a young woman. He wouldn’t look lustfully.

In fact, the majority of biblical teaching is about training your eyes and mind to see beyond flesh and selfish desires. It’s about looking at someone through the ideas of a transformed believer, governed by the Holy Spirit. For example:

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.

Romans 8:5-6

It’s not about bouncing your eyes, but seeing the whole person.

Sure, some are at the level of addiction/compulsiveness and might need to adopt this approach for a time. (I haven’t read the book, but even that snippet from Every Man’s Battle suggested six weeks to get things under control. Did the authors intend men to bounce eyes for a lifetime? Surely not. Hopefully not. Anyway, that book is not the point.)

Stop bouncing your eyes, gents, and follow Christ’s example. He engaged with women even of highly questionable sexual character and looked at them for the whole person they were.

Avoiding the Opposite Sex

Setting boundaries is a good idea and might include:

• not traveling alone with a member of the opposite sex
• not meeting behind closed doors with a member of the opposite sex
• talking positively in public about your spouse, so others are aware of your marital commitment
• regularly wearing a wedding ring (or having one tattooed on) to convey your marital status
• checking in with your spouse frequently through phone calls, texts, etc.

But boundaries shouldn’t mean isolation or exclusion. That is, some women have been denied opportunities in the workplace because they can’t get into the offices, boardrooms, country clubs, lunch meetings, etc. where deals and connections are. All because some guy(s) can’t look beyond her physical features to the work talents she possesses!

Moreover, if we never interact with each other, we don’t learn how to be around people of the opposite sex without viewing them as “other” or forbidden or even dangerous.

Now, I’ve personally avoided the opposite sex in some circumstances. But then, I had a bad premarital history, have admitted that I’m not naturally monogamous (I’m wholly dedicated to Spock, but monogamy wasn’t my initial tendency), and witnessed friends descend into adultery through a series of ill-advised choices. Yet, the more I’ve mulled it over, the more I believe the boundaries I’ve set are largely applicable no matter who I’m with.

For instance, put a window in your office door and meet with whomever you need to. Take that work lunch, but remain in public. Talk positively about your spouse whenever you can. Wear the wedding ring. Check in with your spouse.

If you cannot interact with a member of the opposite sex without a struggle, that’s not a red flag about them. It’s a red flag about you needing to figure out what’s up. Do you have baggage you need to work through? Should you see a counselor or join a support group? Have you matured sufficiently in your faith and honoring of others?

Insisting Women Dress Modestly

Could women insist that men dress modestly? Sure, but I’ve rarely heard that one. Instead, the vast majority of messaging on this topic could be summed up as:

Here’s another area where I kind of get it. That is, I raised two sons, and it did not seem to their mom particularly helpful for them to see a lot of images of highly sexy women or actual girls with TMI about their bodies appearing through their dress, or lack thereof. It would be nice if young women would at least understand—fair or unfair—how the way they dress can impact how they are seen.

But for every woman dressed in a very provocative way, there have been a thousand messages to women not dressed that provocatively being blamed for men ogling them!

Meanwhile, Scripture never blames the target of lust for the sin of lust. It’s the person lusting who holds the responsibility for his/her actions. Let’s revisit Jesus’s warning from Matthew 5:28:

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

That says nothing about how the woman is dressed. And Jesus encountered women likely dressed in ways that conveyed immodesty (see Luke 7:36-50, John 4:1-26, and John 8:2-11), yet treated them with kindness and respect.

Moreover, let’s look at the one and only time “modest apparel” is mentioned in the Bible:

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

1 Timothy 2:910

Modesty here doesn’t refer to how much clothing one is wearing, but rather how elaborate the adornments are.

And the word translated modest in that verse is the same Greek word translated as “respectable” in this verse:

Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

1 Timothy 3:2

Do you think Paul was telling Timothy that overseers need to cover up? I don’t think so. Rather, modesty—the New Testament Greek word kosmios—is about conducting yourself respectably. It means well-arranged, orderly, proper.

You know what’s respectable behavior? Not lusting after women! Hey, in that second verse, the word “self-controlled” comes right before “respectable” (aka modest).

When speaking to women, yes, I think it’s reasonable to say, “Let’s be respectable by dressing appropriately according to culture, context, and morality.” But no woman is responsible for a man sinning by lusting after her. That’s his immodesty, not hers.

From Myth to Truth: Lust & Modesty: "No woman is responsible for a man sinning by lusting after her. That's his immodesty, not hers." @hotholyhumorous
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Shifting the blame and responsibility to someone else is like becoming a glutton and blaming the cook.

Are Lust & Immodesty Related?

Lust and immodesty are related in that each doesn’t show the reverence for God and respect for others we should have.

Honestly, a lot of arguments about lust and modesty would just disappear if we followed Christ’s example for how to treat one another and remembered that each of us is a unique individual made in the image of God. Let’s aim for that!

Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus…

Philippians 2:4-5 (HCSB)

The post From Myth to Truth: Lust & Modesty appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Today I’d like to take a stab about clearing up exactly what lust means and what it doesn’t, as well as when lust is okay and when it’s not.

What Lust Is and Isn’t

Dictionary definition

Let’s start with that Merriam-Webster definition. The first entry to consider is “usually intense or unbridled sexual desire,” and the second is “an intense longing/craving,” such as a lust for power. That should rule out a few things that people sometimes want to list as lust, such as:

• noticing an attractive person
• saying someone is attractive

Mind you, these may not be wise choices in certain contexts, but they aren’t lust. These actions are no more inherently dangerous than noticing a beautiful sunset or commenting positively about a work of art.

While God prioritizes inner beauty, our Divine Sculptor also made some rather appealing exteriors. I mean, if you can’t acknowledge that the Chrises — Evans, Hemsworth, Pine, and Pratt — are good-looking men, you don’t have eyeballs. Not to mention guys named Idris. But I digress.

Biblical definition

More importantly, let’s look at the biblical definition of lust. That’s what really matters to us, right? While there are other relevant scriptures, our concern about lust mostly stems from this verse: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Jesus says lust = adultery. Obviously, that’s a line we don’t want to cross.

Now the Greek word for lust in this verse is epithumeó. This word appears 15 other times in the New Testament. Do you know how many of those times it’s translated in the NIV as lust? None. Not a single one.

In fact, you might be surprised to see the other verses where epithumeó appears, such as:

For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it (Matthew 13:17).

And he said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer (Luke 22:15).

What shall we say, then? Is the law sinful? Certainly not! Nevertheless, I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “You shall not covet” (Romans 7:7).

For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want (Galatians 5:17).

Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task (1 Timothy 3:1).

(See footnote below.)

As you can see, the word used by Jesus to mean lust isn’t strictly negative. It can have positive connotations as well. Epithumeó simply means a strong desire (that second Merriam-Webster definition), and the problem occurs when our strong desire is in conflict with what God intends for us to have — like someone else’s spouse.

Again, with these verses it becomes clear that lust isn’t merely noticing someone, but rather having a strong desire or longing. Lust happens when it reaches the level of coveting — when you think sexually about someone you’re not married to or dwell on their physical attributes in your mind.

Lust happens when it reaches the level of coveting — when you think sexually about someone you're not married to or dwell on their physical attributes in your mind.
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Revisiting my comment above, some celebrities are rather attractive men. But it’s one thing to recognize that, and another thing to seek out shirtless photos or flip through images in your mind or talk up how that person turns you on. No, no, and no.

Lust isn’t gender-specific

Did you notice all of my examples focused on women finding men attractive? Because one other thing lust isn’t — a purely male problem.

Too often when we talk about lust in churches or Christian circles, we assume that men struggle with lust and women really don’t. That’s balderdash.

First of all, not every guy struggles with lust, and second, plenty of women have issues with lust. Although Jesus speaks in Matthew 5:28 about men lusting after women, it’s pretty clear throughout the Bible — in stories and other verses — that women also have issues wanting what they shouldn’t have.

What’s the percentage breakdown of how the genders struggle with lust? I don’t know. Maybe it’s 70% of men and only 30% of women, but if you’re in the group that struggles, does it really matter? Don’t you just need an understanding that improper, selfish longing happens with both sexes and that God wants something much better for you?

Desire versus physiology

Finally in this section, I want to touch on an issue some worry about: When you see an attractive person and your body responds sexually, is that lust?

When you see an attractive person and your body responds sexually, is that lust?
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Let’s go back to Matthew 5:28: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Where does Jesus say the lust originates? It is in your eyeballs? In your groin? Or in your mind and heart?

God recognizes that we are physical beings here on earth. Having eyes that see a person doesn’t make you lust. Likewise, an erection or lubrication or a tingling in your nether regions could simply be a physiological reaction. What matters is the choice you make in your mind about how to view someone.

Now some might be saying that there’s not a conscious moment when you think, “Hey, I’m going to lust.” Rather, it just happens in a split second, as if your brain is responding to your genitals instead of the other way around.

As someone who mastered rationalization in my premarital promiscuous past, I’m just going to call you on that fish tale. Maybe you haven’t yet figured out how to interrupt the communication channel between your sexual physiology and your free-will brain, but you are making a choice and God calls you to make a different choice. He believes that — with intention and prayer and even support — you can do it, and so do I.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for having an arousal reaction that you cannot control, but own the part you absolutely can control — your decision whether or not to lust.

When Lust Is Okay and When It’s Not

Surely, after reading those examples, you can see that not all epithumeó longings are bad. Some are praised! Having a deep desire for something in line with God’s will gets a golden stamp of approval. In those cases, “lust” all you want after the thing God also longs for you to have.

Which means that lusting after your spouse is not only okay — it’s good. Deeply good. Godly good.

Lusting after your spouse is not only okay — it's good. Deeply good. Godly good.
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Sexual desire for your husband or wife is God’s intention for your marriage. When you think about their attractiveness, when you dwell on their physical attributes in your mind, and when you look longingly at your beloved, you’re in line with God’s will.

Go read Song of Songs and how often those spouses are basically like, “Hubba hubba, I love lookin’ at you, babe!” (Loose paraphrase.) Take, for instance, just these few verses from Song of Songs 7:6-8:

How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
  my love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
  and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
  I will take hold of its fruit.”

Wow, that husband clearly has a strong desire for his wife. And God made sure that’s in our Bible!

So perhaps we need to re-frame how to talk about lust. To summarize:

1. Lust isn’t just about sex. It’s about strong desires that can be in line with God’s will or not.
2. Noticing and acknowledging beauty isn’t lust in and of itself. It has to go further into desire, longing, coveting.
3. Even the sexual connotation of lust can be healthy and godly when it’s in the right context — just like sex. God blesses both in the confines of a committed marital union.

A related Greek word, epithumia, is also translated sometimes as lust (most notably in 1 John 2:16) but also more often desire — because the sexual connotation that the word lust has in modern English simply doesn’t apply to many of these verses. Thus, translators moved away from translating epithumeó and epithumia as lust between the time of the King James Version (1611) and more modern translations such as the current New International Version (updated 2011). For a full list of these verses, click HERE.

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